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Author Topic: FAQ: Did she ever love me? [romantic partners]  (Read 6862 times)
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Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 217

« Reply #75 on: August 28, 2014, 05:26:12 AM »

Hey Happy... long time no see - hope you are carrying on all right Smiling (click to insert in post)

There is an American actor dearly beloved by many here in the States, Michael J Fox, who was dx'd with Parkinson's at a very young age, has allowed the public to share alot of his highs and lows... his wife Tracey just incomparably beautiful and brave and they have four kids I believe - simply a remarkable family... and he said this in a Rolling Stone mag interview I bought last year bec he was on the cover, he is sort of a touchstone of courage for me - integrity in the flesh - here it is:

"'My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations."

Some personal moments recently for me - burned my late mother's death certificate on a pile of dried roses and lavender, just to send the final sorrow on its way of ... never having had a mother. Not in the "mother" sense of things.

Made choices that were in my favor for once, like spending money on these nice guys mowing my huge lawn in spite of my idea that I'm not worth it - I simply couldn't keep up with it anymore and the lovely almost golf-links velvet of the lawn works in my head.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Have cleared out of a very toxic relationship that I fell into way too soon after divorce, way too knowing better about this man - thinking I could prove him wrong that he was unloveable etc...

Reading your post - what happens when you find irrefutable evidence that those dx'd or seemingly BPD'd "can love?" or cannot? and just how does anyone measure that worldwide? or in relation to our particular family member? it's empirically impossible, I'll safely bet.

If some divine being came down from wherever and told you yes or no about your own loved one, wouldn't you still be sifting through the flotsam and jetsam of having been reared by a troubled individual?

Expectations in light of Mr Fox's quote - you are hoping to read that somewhere out there people who demonstrate these traits CAN love or DO love.

Acceptance - there's no way to know... or NO they cannot.

One seems to leave you dangling in extremis... acceptance seems to just say, who could figure that out in cold hard scientifically certain terms? or... no they can't, not like we needed them to.  Not like we would've dreamt and wished for.

Somewhere along the way, personally, something switched over inside of me about my mother's words of love but actions of harm and near malice. Even before she died. I accepted that nowhere in her mental nor emotional makeup was she able to demonstrate motherly qualities. But to see inside her head and heart and mind and say she didn't love or couldn't love, all I could ever come up with was my subjective certainty that none of it *felt like love* to me. Of that I was certain and could then make choices accordingly.

I'm just trying to encourage you, via Mr Fox's thoughts, who lives out every day overriding a body that wants to fight him and discourage him, that with or without proof that those with this disorder can or cannot "love," you're still in the same bind. Your mother in particular, out of all the other mothers on the planet, wasn't able to provide you with nurturing and care, and instead dished out the very opposite. As did mine.

Your last sentence is the problem - none of it keeps you banging your head against a wall, really... you are banging your head against the wall because you are still dreaming you will get this answer. But what would it change?

I am in the same boat you're in, up a creek, no paddle, as the saying goes. But instead of fighting the current, let it just carry you downstream a bit until you bump into shore. If you see a waterfall ahead, jump and start swimming.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Our shore is a place of acceptance. I never thought, not in a million years, that I would ever be able to look back at my past with the ambivalence I feel about it now. And that is with current upheavals with siblings' kids in contact for first time etc due to fallout of family stuff. So juggling how to interact yet not burden them with crap that has nothing to do with them. If I try to live with integrity, then baggage can't taint new connections.

Good luck on the possible resting and letting the load settle into the dust. That's where it belongs, not in your heart anymore.

Honestly, study that quote - I'm not kidding when I say it seems to have life breathing in and out of it because it's us ACON's in a nutshell.  You take good care. 

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Posts: 540

« Reply #76 on: August 28, 2014, 11:01:17 AM »

Thank you all so much for this thread. It really helped clear up so much torment in my mind about understanding my exBPDbf. It was healing to hear the truth about how  a person with BPD processes love. It hurts to have it confirmed, but is always felt his love was not the same as my love. I feel ok knowing he gave the best he could possibly give. It was hell, with the I love you this month and then I'm not sure the next month then I love you the next. It was what it was. I am 7 days nc. No communication whatsoever and Sept 3 will be a month since we broke up for the last time. The end of recycling and my power back to take a stand and say no more!

I am so glad that I found this thread! It was tough to hear, but I needed the truth.

Thank you again!

Dance like nobody is watching. Love like you have never been hurt before.
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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 234

« Reply #77 on: September 02, 2014, 01:53:52 PM »

And now, my turn to thank everyone who wrote on this thread.

Does my uBPD wife loves me?

To me, an answer like "she loves you the best way she knows" is the most true answer. It's instead of saying "no, she doesn't really loves you and only cares about herself".

In other words, you still say the same message, just you shift the blame from her to her situation.

Which is true, at least the way I see it.

Yet, it's very very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't really love you - based on what most people see love. It's like having to get used to eating with your hands when you learn about forks. It's like listening to kindergarten music after being exposed to adult music.

But that's life.
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Person in your life: Romantic Partner
Posts: 295

« Reply #78 on: October 08, 2014, 04:57:04 PM »

Mine did a BIG effort to avoid abandonment , with acting, crying, was it out of love?, or just losing her supply , (she loves mirroring me), think she loves my personality , being a part of it.

Anyway , guess she did felt hurt by losing an object (me), but it is strange to say this , feel rude, are really like this ?

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Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 31

« Reply #79 on: July 09, 2015, 09:09:55 PM »

Hi everyone, I want to thank you in advance for reading my post. I have been separated for 2 months now from my BPD ex (I believe). I have found so much strength in reading these posts, and educating myself on this mental illness. I feel in SO MANY aspects, I could insert her name into the descriptions, and yet other descriptions make me question if Im reading into this? I decided to post my story, and very much so look forward to feedback, or anything honestly. Lonely phase in my life..  Ill keep this as short as possible.

  I met her in a work setting (5) years ago, she was married, yet we flirted. We became friends and within 2 years of knowing each other, were best friends. Flirting and such, but never crossed the line. I personally was dating, yet always thought how perfect she was to me. We grew into best friends about year 3, and she revealed to me how she had been wearing a mask, and was mentally abused by her husband, wanted out, etc. I cared for her so much that I encouraged her to tell her family and stood by her. Let her know that no one deserved that. I genuinely cared and had good intent. I started to see this hurt, desperate side of her I had never seen. Sad, depressed crying on the phone..such a bubbly person otherwise. Within a few months of knowing this, we started crossing the line with flirting. She would even come over to watch a movie and snuggle, but I admired her strength to not cheat even though she "hated him". About (6) months later, she moved to MN to be around her family for support to leave(supposedly). We were full out having an emotional affair, and sexting by the time she moved. I wrote her a letter stating that I loved her, I couldnt believe how much we connected, and that if she did divorce, I would be excited to pursue things.

   To sum up the next year and a half after she moved, we grew actually. It was an emotional affair, but we couldnt go more than 2 hours without talking, she would tell me "she loved me so much it hurt", basically VERY intense feelings for 18 months. So intense it made me believe I found the one, soul mates do exist, just everything I wanted in a woman. She would tell me the same, that it was so natural, and so right.

   Those were the highs of the roller coaster, however. She would go from picking out children names with me, to telling me her counselor said she shouldnt date after she divorces, and she wanted a hiatus... no emotion, just cold. This hiatus would last a few days, a week sometimes, before she would want to hear something sexy, or break silence and jump right back in. I was on cloud nine again every time(15-20 times this happened) and so I told myself, she is trying to do the right thing. I felt disposable, confused, crossing oceans when she wouldnt jump puddles, but again told myself she loves me so much, she is just coming out of a divorce. We were ridiculously close, when in the high moments. Looking back, I think the hiatus' were the push/pull I read about?

   All the while, Im her set of ears when she was despairingly crying, he is mistreating her, "what if its her", etc.

I would console her, assure her no one deserves that, and she would tell me she didnt deserve me. I would have to convince her I lived her all the time, assure her I wouldnt leave her. The previously bubbly girl I knew, was replaced with an always sad, needing consoling, version. I again said it was due to the ending relationship, and thought "if I cant handle her at her worst, I dont deserve her at her best.

  Me and her would constantly talk about the house we wanted to build, parenting structure, marriage locations, just... deep, intense talk for the better part of two years. I felt it was a match made in heaven.

  Finally, she hands him papers, and moves out. I start flying to see her in MN, and we are finally physical, and its amazing, making love, not just sex. We talk of my transition there, and are marching forward, telling each other we cant wait. She is still in the process of divorce(with boys in the mix) and so the desperate sobbing continues, just such a deep sorrow, hinting at suicide, disassociative even when crying. Side note: Looking back, she would go from so sad, to chipper and confident within a day or two, like nothing happened.

  My last trip there(5 months after her moving out) I was exhausted from the work week, and went to take a nap in the hotel before dinner. I heard her sobbing, and when I looked up, she was on the bathroom floor, sobbing. I went and consoled her, and after a few minutes, she got up and did her make up for dinner. She was fine for dinner, and said my napping reminded her of her ex not caring. I went with it and enjoyed our last night together. The next month after that trip was our last, but was full of love. I left my ring there, and she sent a pic of it around her neck saying " Im not giving it back until you replace it", we talked every day/ said I love you, skyped for hours, loving voicemails, she even went to a bbq and texted she cant wait to be introduced as my wife.

   So, here is our abrupt ending, that has left me in shambles... About a month after my last visit(nothing wrong), she had her court date. She was awarded 50/50 custody in the meanwhile as the actual date was pushed back. She  was hysterical, everyone lied to her, the court was against her, it wasnt fair, and then proceeded to hint at suicide and hang up. She would say "make sure they know", click. She did this multiple times.  I admit, this is poor timing, but after years of this nonsense, I said youre being cynical, i want off this ride. I know thats terrible timing, but it was so bizarre to me, it was just a temporary hearing. I took a few days space, checked on her through her sister, and even said hi a few days later. Within a week, we were talking, and I said I was glad we were, she said she was too. We flirted and all seemed well. (2) days later, she completely was cold, and said she wanted to be platonic. She said her counselor told her she shouldnt date yet, etc. I noticed that same day she became friends with a guy she met at the bbq (the same bbq she told me she couldnt wait to be introduced as my wife) I asked her, and she said none of my business, that I had broke up with her when I said I wanted off the ride, that we had been bad for the last two months and the hotel was a bad sign to her of how I treated her. I tried being nice for a few days, and then she said she had a wall up against me that she wasnt even looking at. On FB, this guy was at a few events she was all the sudden, and again, none of my business, Im free to date, just cold, no emotion. Everything she said had a very punishing feel to it. I asked her sister, and she said she was known to be dramatic all her life, threatening suicide over bad grades in college. That opened my eyes...

   I wrote her a few letters clarifying that after years of being there for her, feeling one sided, etc., I was burnt out, but it didnt mean I was giving up on us growing old like we had talked for so long. She never responded. I finally called after a week, and she said she is being cold, because she has (0) sh#*s to give. She said love like ours doesnt exist, and brought up one bad moment from when we first met (5) years ago. I asked her how could she not believe in what we shared for so long, and she said she didnt know what to believe, and that I was only there all those years to get with her. Just such a care free tone to her, shark eyes via phone if you will.

   I know "normal" women can leave abruptly, but this was cloud 9 to no emotions, punishing even. I told her to keep my ring as it had too much sentimental value, she insisted on sending back..just to toy with me?

  Its been two months and mutual friends told me her and the bbq guy are talking lovingly on FB, pics together, etc. Never a word from her.

  My mom is a psych nurse and introduced me to the term Borderline..Ive done so much research and reading, and believe her to be a high functioning, quiet/waif borderline. Its just hard to accept, we were best friends for years, and then so much more than I thought existed. To... no closure, or empathy?

  Im a wreck still, cant understand it..Did I mess up in my frustrated comment? Was I used? I just want to believe its mental illness and use that as closure. Thank you all
« Last Edit: July 11, 2015, 12:16:25 AM by Suzn, Reason: edit out real name » Logged

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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 37

« Reply #80 on: December 24, 2017, 08:16:07 AM »


Guys lets dont make drama here, I may understand 3 months of relationship but 1+ years of relationship beleiving that he/she didnt love you is just believing in drama. You cannot even stay with someone after one night stand and how come it is possible that you live 1 2 3 years.

Please keep in mind that they loved your, they did it truly with passion. However how easy they love how easy they kill the love. My ex she killed her ex love, and her ex bfs with me she did it. I was believing finally she saw the truth no she FINALLY DEVALUED THEM. I mean consumed it. The way they experience the love is different than us and they do suffer because of it too.

You are fool (me too, all of us unfortunately) to invest a lot it, just because almost we have no choice and non of us knew it before. Dont blame yourself, she wont come back even she comes she will come lots of guilt. She is not a devil but she is a child, love her like this and move on your life with a better women/men.

I dont say delete it completely some of them are really our soulmates, give them time they can date you can date and most probably you have a better chance to get someone you can date in more stable way. Even if you dont if you communicate with them after some certain time I dont think they will refuse.
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Gender: Male
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 993

« Reply #81 on: January 01, 2018, 08:34:26 AM »


This is an awesome thread, thanks to everyone for their sharing and heartfelt stories of tribulation and healing.  

I know my 2bx BPDw loves me.  There are multiple ways in which the love is distorted and I always felt whip lashed by the heartless comments she would make and then a follow through of heartfelt actions that indicated how she really felt.  It was/is all very confusing and kept me off balance for a long time (still regaining or just establishing for the first time my footing).

I wanted to add something to this thread.  I am struck by how many topics are brought up about the BP that I feel are personally applicable.  The whole business of feeling empty and needing/wanting someone to complete me resonates.  I feel guilty in labeling her BP when I see the same characteristics in me.  I did not see her as an object but I did at times objectify her.

Additionally this quote hits me hard:

Quote from: oceanheart
People with BPD are intense by nature: one of the disorder’s basic structures is mood lability (definition:Apt or likely to change). But the force of our love – and our hate, though never indifference – comes from something altogether different: from the deep emptiness inside us, where no warmth seems to reach. It’s an absense of a sense of self, a sense of being a good person, and comes from a lack (or perceived lack) of getting our primary needs met when we were children, for whatever reason: abuse, neglect, trauma, difficult innate temperaments, invalidation, loss of a caretaker, harsh environment, whatever it may be.

YES!  That is what I felt, deep emptiness inside from not getting my needs met as a child.  I did not see my wife as a CURE, but I did see the relationship as a end in itself.  The part that everyone else had that I always saw through the looking glass and fantasized about what it was like to have this.

Anyway, i know this is not a thread for questions, but wanted to add this to the discussion.

Thank you all, on my way to healing, perhaps this is another item I will need to place on my 'to be healed' list.

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