SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[bone_weary]

Christ.  A year out and on significant antidepressants and I still scored an 80.

Admittedly, the REASON for most of my answers has changed, the BPDex has been largely irrelevant for most of the last year, and all my woes stem from courts... .

[calmx]

28 - ok for husband currently in jail for DV charges. Mostly me worried sick of his threats and near future struggles over returning his belongings and any court appearances and any danger. But at least now I am out ad I can start to have hope for a better future.

[peter chu]

Hi,

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

[trax]

I'm at 24.

I'm 3 weeks divorced with xh constantly trying to contact me.  I expect to get better and better.     I have some days where I feel fabulous and thats a feeling that I haven't felt in ages.

[blackandwhite]

Hi,

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

Hi Peter,

I've taken this a couple of times and am in the 2-4 range. Certainly if I'd taken it when I first arrived here over a year ago and was in the midst of mother angst, the score would have been much higher. I wish I could explain that lack of depression; I could bottle it and make a fortune. I grew up with a uBPD mom and a uAsPD/NPD dad, and I certainly have had earlier in my life spells of depression (and more consistently, anxiety). As a young adult, I had a mild eating disorder, which righted itself without treatment. I do seem to have something that protects my mood, a kind of natural resilience perhaps. My T (and yes, that's part of it, LOL!) says I have "good instincts for my own healing." I've been to a few and they're always absolutely astonished at the fact that though I'm clearly damaged, I'm also able to live a really satisfying life. I've had luck, too. There's nothing really stressful happening in my life right now and when there is, I can get pretty wound up (anxious). My job's secure, everybody's healthy... .these things can, eventually will, change. But in general, my set point is to be pretty happy. I think the resilience comes down to a few things, including:

Very long, stable, happy marriage. Totally lucked out there--and worked at it, too.

Thoughtful choices. For example, I figured out for a long time that I wasn't ready to be a mother, because of where I'd come from. Then I figured out that I was ready, and now we have a beautiful little girl.

Great job that I enjoy and excel at. I grew up poor, with inconsistent resources (and considerable neglect), and I determined early on that having a way to make a stable living was very important to me. I'm lucky in having found a way to do it that I like.

Purposeful effort to create community. I'm not a spiritual person, wish I were. But I completely see the value in connections. I try to nurture them.

Good coping skills. As a young child, to escape, I read. (Still do.  ) I do yoga, walk, talk to friends, do relaxing, nurturing things on a regular basis.

Survivor's instinct. If I see trouble coming, I have learned to get the h$ll out of the way.

Pleasant routines. I find them very soothing.

I realized that my childhood left me feeling unconnected, rootless, and in terror of chaos and uncertainty, which is what I faced every day. So I went about my adult life purposely creating connections and order. Sometimes that can drift into enabling and rigidity, but I can usually keep grounded. Yoga makes a huge difference. I did it at first for the exercise, not realizing that it seemed to be rewiring my brain. After 10 years, I'm significantly refitted.

Oh, and did I mention I'm NC with my mother? (Father is dead.) Not facing endless barrages of madness really, really helps!

I hope I don't come off sounding Pollyanna or annoying in this. I know I'm lucky and it almost feels like testing the gods to write this out. There are many, many in my family who have not come off so well in what is a long multigenerational story of mental illness. I don't know how much my okayness is genetic and how much stems from my choices and habits. Wish I did, and I hope for lower scores for all at the next taking of the test.  xoxo

B&W

[colonel]

Woo! I took this ages ago when it was originally posted and had 57. Took it again just now and I scored 38. Not fantastic but I'm actually a bit proud of that, even more proud that i can put big fat zeros for the 'ever have any thoughts of giving up or ending it' ones. I actually wrote those scores in massive print in my journal  .

[TroubledNYC]

Well, I scored a 40 which is not bad for me because I KNOW that two months ago it would probably have been double that so I feel somewhat encouraged. Thanks so much for outting this up!

[Kenneth]

For those who scores below 8, you must have something in you such as   characters, traits, coping skills, way of life, philosophy, etc  to be a happy person. Could you please share your thoughts & experiences in dealing with a BP or yr way of life?

Peter

I scored an 8 for a second time. (The first time I chalked it up to denial!)

In the end, however, I would not describe myself as "a happy person" by any means. But if I'm doing relatively well in the aftermath of my break-up I would cite a few things: 1) Even during the relationship I never stopped doing the things in life that sustain me (in my case, writing, reading, and teaching); 2) Visiting and posting on this board to both vent and work on myself while being supported by and supporting others; 3) Maintaining NC, which has provided the necessary distance from all the crisis and enmeshment so I can work towards healing; and 4) Keeping a strong inner life, both intellectually and fantasy-wise.

I think my score would be very different if I was still in contact with my ex. And I know that my score is relative, depending on the day and circumstances. I still have a lot of work to do. But it's good to have these "8" days--it lets me know that we can all heal and eventually have more good days than bad.

[onAmission]

Hello Skip,

                 I scored 25 , took the test while feeling pretty low and during a crying spell.

WOW - that's pretty amazing!

[DreamGirl]

I got a 10.  

Although my ongoing involvement with the BPD in my life is a little bit of a different dynamic.  

I'm handling it a lot better these days, and am trying to just trudge along finding beauty in the world going on around me... .even when it seems impossible sometimes.

I want to be happy, dagnabit.  

[Sara]

Although I scored 39, I'm actually encouraged because yesterday my score would have been higher.

I've never seen this test before today.  It's a great way to get a snapshot of "now," "now," "now," with those individual snapshots in time becoming points on a graph.  

Today better than yesterday is good.    

Next week... .next month... .next year... .ever better, I hope.

I am working on this.  I did a great deal of inner work yesterday, which was a challenging day for me.  This is a solid indication to me that the inner work does pay off.        

[onAmission]

Matt, thank you for your input. I think I am going to go ahead and set it up. I feel like I really need some help dealing with all of the stress I am facing right now. I'm feeling really depressed today, just kindof hopeless ya know. He may try to use it against me but I think you are right, if it came to that, I feel a court would see it as wise. My reason "I went because I couldn't deal with his BPD alone and he refused to get help."

[onAmission]

 :'(

Today, I scored a 71 and I am feeling it!

[Matt]

Matt, thank you for your input. I think I am going to go ahead and set it up. I feel like I really need some help dealing with all of the stress I am facing right now. I'm feeling really depressed today, just kindof hopeless ya know. He may try to use it against me but I think you are right, if it came to that, I feel a court would see it as wise. My reason "I went because I couldn't deal with his BPD alone and he refused to get help."

Uh, well, I'm not sure that's what I'd say to the court... .

First, I don't think it works well - from my little experience and hearing what others here have found - for you or me to "diagnose" our spouses or exes or stbXes.  It can be seen as playing psychologist and you're likely to be asked "Are you qualified to diagnose your husband?"  Even if there is a diagnosis from a professional, you need to be careful about how you handle that;  it can't be presented as an accusation - "He has BPD and I can prove it!" - because it's a medical condition and it's not his fault.  It has to be presented as information for the court to take into account.  The focus needs to stay on his behavior not his diagnosis.

This kind of comment - "My problems are his fault" - can also look like finger-pointing, or refusing to take responsibility, which is funny because by going to a counselor you are taking responsibility!

Instead I would suggest something like, "I find it difficult to deal with my husband's behavior - like [example] for example.  I was feeling a lot of stress and getting depressed.  So I found a counselor, got some advice - like [example of the advice you got] for example - and I'm following those recommendations.  And that is helping a lot."  The basic message is, "I am taking care of myself and dealing with my issues."  I think that message will be respected both by any professionals that are involved and by the court.  (In my case I handled it more-or-less this way - told about increased cardiovascular exercise as an example of following my counselor's guidance - and it was no problem.)

Best wishes!

Matt

[an0ught]

33 - and I feel like it.

The first block thinking/feeling part is so much better than it was months before. No hopeless, no powerless, no confusion and a lot less fear. Also now a lot less conflict. Thank you everyone here on the board.

The second and third block when it comes to action - I still have issues. But I don't feel they will remain as large as they are now.

I feel good!

[onAmission]

LOL     Oh no Matt... .I would never present it that way. I'm not planning to be in court anyway (but ya never know). I usually deal with all of this better (I think) I'm just having an off day and venting some. Great advice though. If I ever do find myself in court... .will remember it.

I am working on letting his "stuff" be his and my "stuff" being mine - no blaming him for my problems. Still learning. I do hope getting help for me will make me feel more hopeful.

[Matt]

LOL     Oh no Matt... .I would never present it that way. I'm not planning to be in court anyway (but ya never know). I usually deal with all of this better (I think) I'm just having an off day and venting some. Great advice though. If I ever do find myself in court... .will remember it.

I am working on letting his "stuff" be his and my "stuff" being mine - no blaming him for my problems. Still learning. I do hope getting help for me will make me feel more hopeful.

Cool.

When I went through it, I had all sorts of stuff on the tip of my tongue:  "We all know she is mentally ill so I should have control of the kids and only let her see them after she has been treated and is healthy."  All sorts of stuff that actually makes sense but you can't say it anyway.  So I'm glad you are past that phase and already working on your own stuff... .

Matt

[Up From Here]

Well... .it has been a while... .

Hi everyone. 

Currently I'm in the 0-5... .yay!

I have to say that last year at this time, I was in a pretty low place but after what is now 10 months n/c, a finalized divorce, and keeping my commitments to myself to better my life and self, I have serenity.  It doesn't mean I don't have scars and it doesn't mean that every day is a bed of roses but it does mean that what felt like a fog I couldn't see through was exactly that... .fog.

I have been going to counseling now, not to talk about that "backs and forths," the conflicting emotions and the extreme confusion that was the legacy of what I left behind but to talk about what is good in me to build upon.  I can find the strength within myself with honest self assessment that I'll never repeat the choices I had made to first, enter into a relationship with my former and second, to never again stay anywhere near close to any relationship that is toxic and abusive regardless of the "disorder" within it.

I had heard it from day one... .here on this site as well as from my T... .

No contact works wonders.  Counseling works wonders.  The books work wonders and this site is a flat out God send.

On a side note: As my divorce became final, my life began to prosper again.  Call it what you will; miraculous, fortuitous, serendipitous, etc.  The week the marriage ended... .my life began to prosper.

I will say that I had taken a time out from here for a while as I needed time to not "be in it" as I was having difficulty detaching emotionally from all of the stories that were so similar to my own but I no longer have that difficulty.

It gets better my friends.  It truly does.

<---I really like the new thingy.

Peace with you, UFH

[peter chu]

Hi B&W,

I tend to forget bad things easily & can be as quick as 15 minutes.

I also stop my thinking imm if there is any negative emotion coming out driven from my wife.

So, I am doing OK & never get into any depression living with a BP wife as I let go everything quickly.

Peter. 

[blackandwhite]

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W

[vickmeister]

34. Kinda surprised me, thought mine would be lower. I shudder to think what it would have been a year or so ago.

[So Clear]

A low 8, man I feel empowered ! Just a few days ago I had a few crying spells and I was 25, and then I told myself to be true to whom I am. Let me fill you all in, hopefully I won't take too much of your time. Right now I am away from home, helping my D, who is due now for her baby girl, and has a 20 month old that she has no energy to play with. My D asked me for help and because she has not a support system where she now resides ,I said I would help out. My H was not happy with me making up my own mind, refused to drive me to our daughters and even after being here 2 weeks he shows no effort to be involed with us. He chooses to ignore our unhealthy relationship, and has been reading my threads, hope I got a handle on it now with Jonnak help, what a sweetie, like most of you on board with helping others on bpdfamily.com. I truly believe when you are with a group of people trying to heal with no judgements and alot of truth and GRACE, one really does feel hope.

               Now I am with my anxious D, I have been upset not with my H, but with my SIL, for some unknown reason, he has been mean to me, but because my D brought it up, I told her the truth how I felt and she had a talk with her H, and we made peace. I have not cried myself to sleep for a long time, it is hard work and I was thrown off with sil's behaviour ? What is marvelous is that I now realize my H is very ill and chooses to block me and my D out of his life right now. I guess he read a thread that the message was from what he says my D said maybe I would be better off if he was dead. Still in shock that he invaded my threads just to be one up on me, I tried to explain to him, that it was how I felt at the time, but of course he did not get it, and said he would disown our D and did not care if he ever seen her new home, let alone grandbabies :'( Also if I followed her, he would get a new family if he had too.

                Wow, here I am with much hope, and I'm not getting nothing positive from my H. Of course I question did he ever care? As hard as my life is right now, and yes I should be very depressed, but I choose the road to heal for myself. I have to be truthful( which can be brutal) but I also want to have grace and forgiveness for my H's sins, as he may never be in a place to get help and truly live in pure joy. Soo sorry I took so long, just wanted you all to know we are all truly responsible for our own happiness. Much love to bpdfamily.com & Skip who invited me on this site.   So Clear xoxox

[So Clear]

   My D just had her new baby girl, thought H should know , called and he hung up on me.

[Skip]

  My D just had her new baby girl, thought H should know , called and he hung up on me.

Sorry to hear that 

[ellefun2]

Today, I am a 12.  It's a bit discouraging to feel like I have lost some progress that I'd made.  I've accepted that I am prone to depression and have issues of codependency.  I was happier when I wasn't in a relationship, and now that I am and there are difficulties, I am finding my insecurities rising to the surface.  I am feeling uncomfortable with having to face these weaknesses of mine, and if I ever hope to have a rewarding relationship, I am going to have to work on it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I am continuing with my T, independent reading and reflection, and focusing on my inner dialogue.  I still have a lot of work to do.       

[So Clear]

Today, I am a 12.  It's a bit discouraging to feel like I have lost some progress that I'd made.  I've accepted that I am prone to depression and have issues of codependency.  I was happier when I wasn't in a relationship, and now that I am and there are difficulties, I am finding my insecurities rising to the surface.  I am feeling uncomfortable with having to face these weaknesses of mine, and if I ever hope to have a rewarding relationship, I am going to have to work on it sooner or later.  In the meantime, I am continuing with my T, independent reading and reflection, and focusing on my inner dialogue.  I still have a lot of work to do.       

THATS WHY WERE ON bpdfamily.com, we all need to work on ourselves.  to you and keep believing in YOURSELF  So Clear

[peter chu]

Hi B&W

QUOTE:

Hi Peter,

Glad to hear you're able to let things slide away and don't ruminate on them. Do you think that's a characteristic or skill that's helpful for preventing depression? How do you do that? It might help other members to get a sense of some techniques to release negative emotions. I know I have to make an effort at this, doesn't necessarily come completely naturally.

B&W

I think it is more of a skill than a character to side away & ruminate on them as I was conditioned to shut off those negative emotions once it pops out automatically.

It is due to a book that I read in college. The name is "Science and Human Behavior" by Prof B.F. Skinner of Harvard. It is mainly on stimulus/response psychology.

I learnt to condition myself not to response every time it happens. Slowly but surely, it will work out naturally & rarely, it gets me. You stop imm. & think clearly & not to response to those stimulus. Or, you divert yr attention to something else that will keep you happy or you enjoy to do most.


On the other hand, I told myself why I should let those negative thoughts to get me. Just hell with it as living with a BP, those things can happen all the time & erratically. I better do my own thing & enjoy life.

Hope this can help.

Peter

[mn36]

I scored a 21 which I think is pretty good all things considered - separated last summer (August 2008), was still trying to make it work (by myself I might add) until spring, filed in April, signed papers first of October - same day he moved to different hemisphere, discovered something called BPD 2 weeks b4 he vacated the home at the end of August 2009.  Been playing catch up ever since - this website is a godsend btw.   

~mn36

[Manon46]

one year ago it was 54

now i am at 0

[Skip]

Wow - thats great to here!

What do you attribute your progress to?