Let's be clear about what we're talking about.  Leaving the relationship does not necessarily mean you leave the family home and fret over how the children might react to that choice.  In some jurisdictions you can stay and petition the court to have your soon-to-be-ex-spouse (stbEx) move out.  You won't know if that's a possible option until you get some legal advice and options/strategies in a few interviews or consultations with lawyers or solicitors.  You do this well before you decide which lawyer to actually hire.

A reminder here... You have the right to privacy and confidentiality.  You do not share this sensitive topic until you're prepared.  Sadly, this would not be a time to be overly fair or overly whatever since your spouse wouldn't reciprocate similarly.

You do share information - carefully - if you're seeking to repair the relationship.  If you've concluded the relationship has no future then you shift goals and limit sharing to legally required matters such as finances and pertinent child care topics.

As it turns out, I was spot on, the more he came clean about the job and started revealing and confirming everything I suspected he literally opened up overnight, it was wild to see. One by one he revealed all the things I already knew and I opted not to disrupt this flow by revealing that I already knew, maybe sometime in the future. For about a week things were looking good, I even went back to waking up to multiple texts from him and he'd tell me how much he was hating the things he had to do and how absolutely miserable waking up that early was making him (which is ironic because when he first switched to that sleep cycle I couldn't for the life of me understand why he was doing it.. which I might have mentioned, then when he asked back then he dismissed me like I was crazy). So things were looking good. Whether it was shame, guilt, fear of being caught, or a little bit of everything, coming clean was a game changer.

Unfortunately now there's a new issue and this is like the neverending story, it's been almost 24 hours of the silent treatment and it's caused because I confronted him about blocking me on some social media platform for no reason. He has a deep engrained irrational fear as of lately which I might or might not want to discuss and we had a huge fight about it yesterday. Instead of giving me a reason for his behavior and me being blocked for no reason he deflected and projected to the end of the world and then accused me of something that's not just ridiculous but it's not even a bad thing at all, that was somehow his justification. It all started because I was sensing a split and asked him why he was upset at me and of course initially replied by denying being upset at all. I don't know how much more of this I can handle and his living with his dad right now is really bringing up a lot of past issues and they're getting projected onto me (bad parent/ idealized parent dynamics in relationships, it's a real killer)

Good for you for reaching out and being proactive here.  Your partner is in a tough place, so be supportive of them, but you also need to learn to set some boundaries as far as what you will or won't tolerate, and help your partner do the same with their Ex.

Set a boundary. I think for one thing, your partner shouldn't allow their ex to berate them like this.  I don't know their dynamic, but I was pretty firm about not allowing my BPDxw to continue to treat me like she did when we were married.  I simply refused to engage with her on the phone - or in person - and insisted all our communications needed to be in writing (text or email).  In addition, we use a court-ordered messaging app (there are several of these), for formal requests, like custody day switches, or medical appointments for our daughter. 

I never thought much of this, but after reading your post, I realize this was a pretty good move on my part, and a good boundary to establish.  I think pwBPD generally try to avoid going "on the record," i.e. putting something in writing, or leaving verbal recordings, because they know how unhinged and unfair their behavior is.  They prefer talking on the phone, or in-person interactions because they feel they can control those better, with tried-and-true techniques like bullying and lying to get their way.  They dislike being accountable for the things they do and say, and will be on their best behavior if they understand they're being recorded or in writing.

Legal action? As far as the threat of legal action, I'd call their bluff and say "go ahead and sue."

Around here, a retainer for a family law attorney is anywhere from $5,000 to $25,000, and that's just to file the action.  Expect total legal fees from $30,000 to $50,000 or more to actually go to trial to get sole custody.  Do you think your partner's ex has that sort of cash sitting around to risk on a gamble like this?

If so, it might be worth it for your partner to talk to an attorney for a brief consultation on the risks here, but I wouldn't worry too much. 

pwBPD love to make big time threats... following through on them, not so much. 

Don't ignore them completely, but don't let fear of them control your actions.

I want to note a couple points I picked up on in your original post, that I think you should pay more attention to. 

So, this goes to the ideas you have of her maybe appreciating the value of your relationship and changing, yet, even knowing how detached you've gotten and close to divorce at this point, she was angry again over something as silly as not responding to her messages quickly enough. 

This is her established behavior.  If it didn't change after a long separation and with the threat of divorce hanging over her head, you shouldn't expect it to change, well, ever, really.


This comment to me, shows that you think her BPD-type complaints have some validity.  They don't.  If she is a person with BPD, she's not going to be happy with her partner, ever, because her issues are going to be unreasonable fears of abandonment and enmeshment that forever keep her agitated and blaming her spouse for her own feelings. 

She's not going to be happy with someone else, just like she's not going to be happy with you if you come back.  It's not in her nature.  You visited her, you made an effort; she didn't. 

Don't go back into this with your eyes closed...

Hi all, thanks for your responses. It’s really helpful.

I just had the folllowing interaction and was wondering whether you think my response is on the right track:

Partner: You have a special way of confirming the overwhelming parts of me that I am disgusting and will always be abandoned in the end. And that me having those parts in me, telling me, that, is just annoying to you. I'm cancelling our friends staying tomorrow. I can't pretend for anyone atm. We can't pretend. You're continually saying you 'can't do this anymore.' I say Im disgusting and you confirm it all by walking away. half heartedly saying no you're not as you go. thats because We both know I am, and it's a mistake that I'm still alive at all.


Me: I really care about you and am really concerned about your well-being, I see that you’re feeling really terrible and alone and don’t know where to turn and I am not able to much more than I’m doing. That must be really hard. I feel that it is time to get some more support and get a plan together. I would like to work with you to find some more support because as I said, I can’t do more than I’m doing.

Hi LittleSis24,

I understand 100% where you are and how you feel. Been there, and in a sense still there every now and then.
I remember in the past when I had to be available 24/7 whenever my sibling decided he needed to talk, and if I dared saying at 1am "sorry, I am tired, I think I will go to sleep" then he would erupt and tell me "how can you be so selfish, going to sleep while I need to talk". (when the conversation was not about anything vital).
And then there has been the "stalking phase", where if I did not reply immediately he would ask his GF to text me, then send message of FB, email etc etc... On WA I immediately understood when it as him without even checking my phone: I would receive like 25 message in a row.

How to solve the problem? It's really person specific. Not checking the phone, or silencing it, does not work. It just leads you to having problems with other people, and you will still be stressed. At least, with me it worked that way.
The thing is, if she was to write you only, say, via Whatsapp, then you could silence her and only read her messages when you feel like it. Say every evening at 6 or whatever. If she starts writing in any possible means of communication though, I am afraid the only thing to say is to tell her you will reply when you can. Will this start a raging episode: most likely, yes. But you cannot keep going on like this just to please her. You have your own rights to have your life, and you do the best you can. I am sure you are and have been a great sibling, but trust me going beyond your limits does not help. It will burn you down slowly...

Just my 2 cents, from somebody that currently has the worse possible relationship with his sibling, who still manages to send me 20 messages in a day from the room next to mine, despite not wanting to see me in person...

 
I should preface this by saying my parent had BPD and I went no contact years ago. I have since gone through a lot of therapy and am now in a romantic relationship with someone whose ex and co-parent seems to have a lot of the behaviors of somebody with BPD.

My partner has two young kids and they are determined to keep the peace with their ex, which I respect.

Unfortunately, the ex has had trouble accepting that my partner has moved on. Each time they learn about a new phase of our relationship, they call my partner and rage at them, then give them the silent treatment for months. Recently they found out that we are moving in together and are now threatening to sue my partner for full custody. On these calls they berate my partner and tell them they are a horrible parent. In addition, they are starting to bring me into it, making claims to my partner that the kids don’t want to live with me and twisting things the kids are telling them to try to paint me in a bad light.

This all went down yesterday. My partner is obviously scared. My/our first concern is not letting this affect the kids as much as possible. I am new to kids and have never dated someone with kids before. I view my role as supporting my partner. Anything involving the kids or the ex is their territory. I will listen until it affects me, which it seems like it may at some point.

I have found a few books that really helped me in understanding my upbringing, including “Stop Walking On Eggshells”. I asked my partner to read it last night. That’s as far as I’ve gotten. I’m rereading it myself and decided to check out some support groups. All I can do is take care of myself and my actions.

So, my questions is. What are some reasonable boundaries for me to set at this point? I’m navigating new territory here and could really use some guidance.

Thank you.

My best advice if you do decide to go visit your wife is to be sure of your boundary on what you are willing and able to do before you go.

Unless you are willing to do everything she and her family ask you to- you will eventually have to say no. You will need to accept that at some point, they will be upset and disappointed at not having what they want. In this sense- unless you are planning to agree to all of it- you can't have your cake and eat it too- be the good guy and have your boundary. You need to choose which one.

As difficult this is for you now, it will be even more difficult to say no to them in person.

With my BPD mother- if she wants me to agree to something- and she knows I won't or likely won't- she does it in increments. Asks me to do a smaller thing, something I won't likely object to- then adds to it, and with each "yes" the next request gets closer to her actual request. Sometimes I don't even know what the actual request is. Eventually, I have to say "no". Saying "no" to her cancels out anything I previously said yes to because those weren't the actual thing she wanted. So, I will be the bad guy if I say no.

My concern with your posts is that you are undecided and wavering and basing your decision on what someone else is doing, rather than what it is you actually have as a boundary. It's good that you were honest with the new person, and looking at her reaction, but this is between you and her and not something to base staying married on.

Know your financial limits- what you can do and what isn't feasible. Take some time to consider- do you want to be married to this person or not- even if you are single- take the new woman out of the picture for this decision. That relationship outcome is unknown at the moment.

I feel you on the "I'm depressed my family unit isn't like Bluey's" vibe   totally relatable! I heard Daniel Tiger might be another good show for that age range.

Our intuitive reactions -- you describe them well as "knee-jerk" -- are so familiar but so ineffective when BPD is in play. Whether the pwBPD is "trying" to be manipulative/dysfunctional or not doesn't really matter because the dynamic is the same whether intentional or no. It's really playing a whole different game to try to parent supportively/appropriately when the other parent may have a PD. Like -- we have to get off the football field of "knee jerk, normal" parenting and go all the way to the tennis courts.

Have you had a chance to read or watch any of Dr. Craig Childress' stuff yet? He does a good job of not just summarizing "this is your family dynamic" but moving on to "and here is the unexpected way you can work with your child's criticisms/complaints".

While his article on "Ju-­jitsu Parenting: Fighting Back from the Down Position" focuses more on when you're the target of blame of both the other parent and your child, the general structures for communicating with a confused child remain the same.

If you have the time, take a look. It can help you now and prepare you for if your D's dad escalates his blaming.

Yes, this makes sense. It's hard, though, since the knee-jerk reaction would be to respond with "no that's not true." I have been trying hard to respond with "what do you think?" or something like that instead.

Bluey is a great show, but I started getting depressed while watching it because I started getting jealous of Chili because her husband is such a great dad and they have such a healthy relationship.