Hi, I’m in the same spot as you are, but on and off for the past 4 years. I can understand why you would be exhausted after 12. You are a good mom to do it for so long - I couldn’t.

When I read here, I see many parents who try and try and have given up Huge chunks of their time and life, and they often note that their person has not changed or improved. My husband has always said if we don’t change, nothing changes.

I do not want to find out in my 70s that all I put up with didn’t help anyway. Life is too short and no day is promised. I do feel we are supposed to steward our souls and health while being kind and loving.

Abuse is not ok though, no matter how they feel towards us. There’s a book that says we give people access that aligns to their responsibility. If they can’t reliably treat us well, why are we giving them full access to our hearts? I thought that was very thought provoking.

I have moved to limited contact. And what I text is: I'm not willing to be yelled and cursed at. I am taking a break for now but if texts are respectful I’ll answer those when I can.

It hasn’t gone over well, but I’m sticking to
It because like you, I’m burnt out. Plus, from what I read, we are not helping them by allowing them to be abusive and just put up with it. No change is even potentially going to come from us being a punching bag. Please do take a break. Boundaries will give you the break you need to stay in the relationship if you choose.

In most relationships with problems there might be justification in trying to keep things going but a BPD relationship is unlike anything else - especially one like yours where violence and seeking to get someone arrested is involved. That's extreme and must be very hard to endure, even when you love the person despite all they do to you.

I ended my own 4-year relationship when it seemed she might start getting violent - that was the deal-breaker for me. I realised then nothing would change and I could just accept this as my life from now on or get out. Very hard to do but I know I did the right thing.

With a BPD relationship I think there definitely does come  a time to end it, unless the BPD is willing to seek treatment and make serious effort.

With my ex I eventually saw it as 'She can either bring herself down or I can let her bring the both of us down and ruin two lives'. There comes a time when even the most loving and caring of us have to put ourselves first, as we aren't the cause of the problem.

I can put my hand on a Bible and know I treated her well, tried my hardest, went the extra 100 miles, put up with far more than anyone should ever have to and just couldn't give any more. This is enough for me.

Best wishes.

It may well be a 'ping'.. but it might just be a ping sent out to see if you're still there, and not because she necessarily wants to reconnect seriously. Remember, BPD's like to know that their ex's are still available and are an option. She may be having a quiet time at the moment, with nobody else in her life so is testing the waters with you.

She's blocked you for a long time, which you should take into consideration. If you want to send her a brief message then go for it - just don't get your expectations up and end up disappointed. 3 years apart has hopefully given you some time to heal, even though you still miss her, so you need to think whether you want to get back on the train again.

A 'Hey, I loved your cherry photo, brings back the happy memories' would be enough to put the ball back in her court. If she genuinely wants to engage further then great.

Good luck whatever you decide.

In my case at least, I feel like I need to practice more deliberately and be much more self aware during the splitting/rage episodes. Also I need to think about multiple possible ways in which my pwBPD will escalate if I stick to the boundaries and not be shocked in the moment if they escalate in new and unprecedented manner.
Since the boundary setting, enforcement aren't inherent qualities, and it does not come naturally but is a learned/acquired behavior. In the time of anxiety or stress all the considered plans of action go for a toss and the tendency is to calm the rage by any means however.

Thank you so much for your response and my apologies for the long delay in replying! This has been such a struggle. I was always the "strong" one who was able to do things the "right" way. She was always the one who needed "protection" and  who couldn't get along with others. She was always itching for a fight and had "enemies" everywhere she went. You'd think in that situation that I would be the golden child - but that's just not how it worked in my family. I still struggle to understand why. But, it was always my responsibility to make sure she was "okay" and everyone in the family took on a protective role. She is an expert at playing the victim. She moves expertly between helpless victim to ferocious advocate. It's been an incredibly painful process to separate from her and others in the family and to establish/maintain healthy boundaries. Initially, it felt like I was betraying my family and I admit, sometimes still does. For a long time, I tried to convince myself that she wasn't able to really hurt me, she was just a nuisance that I could shrug off. And for a long time, it felt like that was true.

But over the years, as she surrounded herself with people who enable her realized just how good she is at manipulating things. She is so good at looking at a situation, finding a kernel of truth, and building the whole narrative around that little seed of truth into a story that positions her always at the center (whether it is her story or not) and the story arch always begins with her as the victim of some horrible injustice and then as the triumphant moral hero. Early in life it was just minor things, and I would always challenge her when the narrative just didn't make sense or line up with the facts and with logic. She would always cut me out when that would happen. As we got older and had our own families, this tendency became more of a problem and had bigger consequences for others, including me. She has surrounded herself with folks that will not challenge her and/or who benefit from her "stretched" truths. She takes tragedies of loved ones and puts herself at the center of them - always as first a victim and then a hero.

I had already established strong boundaries with her and have had to stand firm in those despite painful responses from her and from my family. In the last year, she concocted a situation in which I had to enforce these boundaries publicly - it was incredibly painful and difficult. But I did it, and I don't think she expected me to stand firm. I'm glad I was able to do it and feel a relief that I'm through that - but there are still times I feel guilty, particularly when she weaves the victim-hero story so well.  

Anyway, thanks for your response, and sorry for both your experiences and for my delay in responding to you! Take care!

I'm nearly three years out from my breakup, which I've written about at length on this board, and gotten so much helpful feedback. Something happened recently which really got my head spinning, wondering if it was a ping after so much silence.

I'm big into cherrypicking and every year post on Instagram about cherry season. Anybody who knows me knows that this is a tradition, and in fact three years ago, the last spring that my ex and I were together, she even participated in my cherrypicking photoshoot.  

Last month, she posted a cherry themed post of her own. Not cherrypicking, but her wearing all red, wearing cherry earrings, and the caption was just a cherry emoji. It was a cherry post.

I immediately polled my friends and pretty much everybody agrees that it can't be an accident or oversight, like she suddenly forgot that I have this cherry season tradition, but people disagree on what to do about it. One friend said that it's clearly a ping, some kind of flirty message that only I would pick up on, and that I should send a flirty easter egg back in my yearly post. More people however have advised me to do nothing about it.

Here's sort of how I'm feeling about it. After the breakup, I begged and sent flowers and gifts and apologies and more flowers and more apologies. I stopped doing that after a few months, but I didn't stop grappling with the breakup. I read books on BPD, and trauma, and surviving BPD parents which I think is her situation. I also took account of my own failings, the ways I JADEd rather than listened, empathized, and validated her feelings. I've done the work.

My texts have been blocked from the beginning, and as of last January were still blocked. I want so badly to reconnect with my ex but after all I've done, I feel like she has to open the door in a more real way. I don't know what to do with red clothes and a cherry emoji.

Does anybody have any thoughts on this situation? I don't want her to feel like "well I tried" with that post, and that my silence is a rejection, but I just don't know what to do about it.

Do you think her post was a ping, and if so, what next?

Hi there,

First, it's not your fault.  Second, your son probably feels like he has to keep his distance from you--literally and figuratively--because his wife likely punishes him any time he shows someone else any attention whatsoever, even if the attention is on a close family member like a parent or child.  Third, anything you say or text will set off your DIL when she's in a mood or stressed.  Since she has little ones, she's likely stressed out all the time.  For example, if you ask in your nicest voice possible, "How are you," she could consider that nosey, an interrogation, an accusation, like you're surveilling her or getting ready to judge her harshly.  I know this because the pwBPD in my life will have a meltdown, purportedly over something as innocent and innocuous as that question.  Why?  It may be for any of the aforementioned reasons, or merely because inside, she's not well at all, and asking her how she's doing reminds her that she's feeling stressed, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, alienated, incompetent or whatever.  She's overwhelmed by these negative thoughts, and her disordered thinking seeks to blame someone outside herself--namely YOU for having the gall to ask her a question.  It's just too much for her to put on a smile, and answer you civilly, let alone keep the conversation going.  Rather than be forced to lie with a creative response, and rather than tell the truth and unleash all her woes, she has a meltdown and attacks the person inquiring about her well-being.  Thus the pwBPD in my life can't seem to handle any conversations about what's going on in her life (or what is going on with other family members) without a meltdown.  It seems that the only topic she can handle is a discussion of her favorite TV shows.  She is just too consumed by feeling inferior, insecure and jealous of other people's fun or accomplishments.

I could be doing a lot of mind reading here, but I can imagine how typical conversation topics could be a landmine:

How's the baby/when can I see the baby?  That could indicate that all you care about is the baby, and not about your DIL.
May we come for a visit?  That's just too hard, she'd have to clean up and then face your harsh judgment; she might be obsessing over looking too fat.
May I send the baby a gift?  Cue jealousy (why aren't you sending the DIL a gift?).

I could go on, but my point is that BPD thinking tends to be very distorted, bordering on psychotic.  When the pwBPD in my life is under stress, I can definitely see her delusional/psychotic tendencies, and it's almost formulaic:  the more stress, the more psychotic (aka disconnected from reality) her thinking gets.  Sancho mentioned a trauma-like, fight or flight response to ordinary interactions.  I agree with that 100%.

I'm not sure what to advise, except to underscore that it's not your fault.  You'll say one thing that is a compliment, and she'll take it the wrong way.  That's not your fault, that's BPD.  Maybe if you understand this, her behavior won't seem so perplexing.  But it is nevertheless irrational, and typically self-destructive.  Maybe you keep your distance from the DIL but try to support your son somehow, as he's likely bearing the full brunt of her behaviors.  Now, your DIL will surely be jealous if your son is paying attention to anyone else.  But maybe you give your son your moral support, and understanding, and remind him he's not alone, because I bet he feels alone right now, as his wife probably tries to isolate and control him.  But I understand that doesn't take away the pain of feeling alienated from your son and grandson.

All my best to you.

everything you say is logical, and I agree. My issue, maybe other's, we continuously question ourselves and break our self worth and reality down to a point where we 'put up' with these things due to the inevitable good times that follow. 'oh it's just how she is'. May be a lack of self respect, no boundaries that mean anything. Something I need to discover and work on.

My son and I are close and it’s true he avoids upsetting her but she and my son moved 8 hours away with my granddaughter who will be two soon and I was getting along great with her but one word which was a compliment set her off and that was the end of months of getting along