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 1 
 on: June 01, 2024, 04:45:40 PM  
Started by once removed - Last post by once removed
Staff only

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358434.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

 2 
 on: June 01, 2024, 02:35:07 PM  
Started by Mikeyz - Last post by Mikeyz
Quote from: Mikeyz on June 01, 2024, 02:14:14 PM
Hello everyone ! This is my first post here and I want to share my experience because it's been hurting me a lot these last days. I apologize if there are some faults, English is not my native language.

I don't know where to begin but I'll try to explain the whole story so you have all details. I'm 22 and I met my ex two and half years ago. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she says she has BPD and I'm pretty sure it's true considering her behavior. She's my first love and it was really intense at first. During the first month of our relationship, she kept telling me that I was special, that I was the only one who could truly understand her, that I didn't judge her at all. I had access to her phone and one day I saw weird messages on her phone, she was talking to another guy and they seemed very close. I was jealous of this guy and told her about that. She told me there was nothing with him and that he was just a friend, that I was paranoid. But then only 2 months later, she broke up with me and admitted she loved that guy (so our relationship didn't last very long). But we stayed in touch. During the next few months, we kept talking every day and she was still very close to me. I was her confident, she always told me about everything that was happening in her life, she kept reminding me I was very important to her. Then one day, maybe 4 months after our breakup, she decided to see that guy she loves. She told me she loved him even more when she met him, but only a few days later, she also saw someone else she met on a dating app and kissed him. Of course, I was really jealous but I also thought that it was not honest and decided to tell the guy she "loves" about the situation. The guy thanked me for informing him and decided to not go further with her even if he liked her. My ex learned about that and since that day, she became mad at me. She told me that I betrayed her, that she will never trust me again. She said that she lost the man of her life because of me and that she would never forgive me. Then a month later, she dated the guy she kissed (so not the guy she "loves") and their relationship lasted 7 months. We were still talking very often during their relationship. At the start of their relationship, she told me that she loves her boyfriend (which is weird since I though she loved the other guy who left). She was always telling me that her boyfriend does a lot for her, that he's the one, that she would move in with him. I remember it hurted me a lot because it seemed like it was always better with him. She made it look like their relationship was healthy. But then after few months, she confessed to me that she still loves that guy who left and she tried to sabotage her relationship. So her boyfriend became tired of her behavior and decided to broke up. I was still there for her everyday. She told me that she doesn't want any relationships anymore and that she has to heal and move on from that guy she "loves". She stayed single for months but we were still talking everyday. It was really toxic tho. We used to argue a lot, and often she would remind me that I betrayed her, that she doesn't love me, that she feels nothing for me, that I destroyed her life. Even if I always tried my best to not argue, she would find a way to argue with me. And as days goes she would become colder and colder, and kept telling me she didn't love me. She would often block me after an argument, but not on every social medias, probably knowing I would reach out. Or sometimes she would block me everywhere but unblock me a few hours after. Then four months ago, she started to become affective with me again. This has not happened for almost 2 years. She was kind to me, flirty and even accepted to see me again. It was the first time I was going to see her again since our breakup. I was so excited, I though maybe she loves me. I saw her 3 months ago and she was so happy to see me. We slept together in a hotel and we didn't kiss or had sex but she slept in my arms, she cuddled my hairs while looking at me. She did everything a person in love would do. And in the middle of that night, I texted a friend on Instagram and she saw a girl in my dm's. That girl she saw was nothing more than a friend but she started to get mad at me and then cried. She told me that I betrayed her again, that I do not truly love her. She said that I was a liar because I told her before the date that I wasn't talking to any girl. But I meant no girls in a romantic way. And even if I showed her my conversations with this girl to show that there was nothing romantic, she didn't believe me and said that I was just a play boy. What's weird is that an hour later she came in my arms again so I though the problem was finally over. In the morning, we both woke up at the same time and she didn't want to leave my arms. That's when I though that she definitely loves me. When we each cameback home, I told her that I missed her a lot and that I was so happy to see her after all that time, she answered "me too". A few days later, I proposed her to see each other again but she replied very coldly. She said that she's not sure that she wants any relationships. I didn't know what to do but said that I could wait for her. Then as the days goes, she became colder and colder and finally told me that she doesn't want to date someone like me "who doesn't know what he wants" and who "talks to multiples girls at the same time". So she used that again as en excuse to not see me. She also said that she doesn't love me at all and that she felt nothing when she saw me. And it hurted me a lot to hear that. So I asked her why did she slept in my arms when we saw each other and she said that it meant nothing, that she could do that with friends and that if she loved me, she would kiss me. That made no sense at all. Then she said that she still loves that guy (yes still the same guy she saw 2 years ago). So she said again that she had to move on from him, that she doesn't want any relationships with anyone because she is lost and won't be able to love anyone for a long time because she's still in love with that guy. As the days goes, we argued a lot and she became even colder and I suspected her of talking to someone else but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested at all by relationships and that she wants to heal alone and I believed her. But then 1 month ago, she told me to move on and find someone else, then she blocked me everywhere. And it was actually the first time she really blocked me without unblocking me directly so I tried to reach her out. I was making new accounts to talk to her and she would always reply with mean words, saying that she didn't care about me. It was truly the first time she really wanted me out of her life so it shocked me. And 10 days ago, she finally told me that she had a boyfriend since 1 month. So she was lying to me when she said she talked to nobody and didn't want a relationship with anyone. It shattered my heart because it's the second time I'm getting replaced, and this time it hurts even more because I had hope to get her back. She says that it's the man of her life, that she will live with him, and marry him (after 1 month ??). She says that he directly proved his love for her unlike me. That he has been there for her (wtf ? I've always been there for her, I've been there for her during 2 years, everyday, everytime she needed to talk). She says that she's happy with him, that it's real love, while a few weeks ago she told me that she still loves the other guy from 2 years ago. So I really don't understand anything but seeing their relationship being perfect destroys me. It's like I'm nothing to her. I'm conscious that they're in the honeymoon stage and that she's probably idealizing him but there is a part of me that think that maybe he's just better than me. When I asked her why she did that to me, she answered that it was all my fault, that she deserved better than me (while in the past she used to say that I deserved better than her). She then blocked me everywhere and I was anxious so I tried to reach her out on tiktok with a new account. She told me to move on and I replied that I'll always be there for her if she need it and that I hope we'll talk again one day because she's very important to me. I also wished her happiness, and she didn't reply to me but didn't block me either (I'm blocked everywhere except there on tiktok). I decided to not send any other messages so now it's been a week since we are in no contact. I can't sleep at night, I'm so anxious. My brain is wondering too much things. Does she really loves her new boyfriend ? Is she really happy with him ? Did she moved on with the other guy ? Am I still important to her ? Does she even think about me ? Will she comeback one day ? Will she reach out ? I know I should move on because it's really toxic and it completely destroyed my mental health and self esteem (these 2 last years) but I still need some explanations because everything happened too fast and I feel lost.

I know it was very long but I wanted to give maximum informations. Thank you very much if you have read everything !
I hope you'll be able to give me constructive answers about that.

 3 
 on: June 01, 2024, 02:27:02 PM  
Started by Augustine - Last post by Augustine
So, it’s now been a year of bloodletting, purging my body and mind of all the insanity after years of exposure to my wayward and intemperate ex partner.

Reaching this milestone isn’t the emotional equivalent of enjoying chilled Sancerre in celebration. No, it has the same long finish on the palate as gargling with a mouthful of Listerine instead.

A quick précis for those of you unfamiliar with my departure from my relationship last year: I was living in Nova Scotia, and the largest forest fire in the province’s history was making its way towards our rural home. I chose to defy the evacuation order, and my partner accepted her friend’s invitation to stay with her and her husband in town. The friend had carved a niche for herself, making a craft industry out of her personality disorder by becoming a regression therapist, and laid claim to being Queen Guinevere in a past life. The friend disliked me intensely, was an unapologetic misandrist…and was a seething termagant. She also treated my partner like her lap dog, the fact of which was rubbing me very raw. I eventually quit my watch on our house when I learned that it was causing my partner considerable distress, accepting her friend’s invitation to stay with them in town.

With factors like these, what could possibly go wrong? All it took was a bit of alcohol to set the whole comic Rube Goldberg apparatus rolling to its doom.

It’s been a year of working with the hand that fate has dealt: a Blackjack 16. A tricky thing to pair that hand with Aurelius’ “Amor Fati” (“Love the hand that fate deals you…”)

It was far easier to mentally accommodate my poor hand by thinking of a dour and indifferent croupier arbitrarily dolling out the cards at life’s gaming table, instead of dealing with a smug-faced, pontificating Aurelius.

A year later, the day did not dawn with the lyrics of “La Marseillaise” commemorating the grand event, drowning out the bird’s early morning chorus, and ushering me into an epoch of liberty, equality, and fraternity after my personal revolution. No, the event was marked by the vestiges of a grim nightmare about my ex partner so vivid that it roused me from my sleep.

Like the rest of you, I’m still treading water some days at Point Nemo, barely floating at the most inaccessible place on the planet.

Like everyone else, I spent months running on a Mobius Strip, working myself into an early grave in my attempts to reach some logical conclusion to this grim business.

There isn’t one when you pursue a route paved with the maddening dichotomies inherent in BPD.

As the expression goes, man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor, and by God, it was a searingly painful experience that stripped me raw over the last year.

I’m not the man that I was. That poor misguided person who’d dedicate himself to any lost cause died a grim death in a house in Nova Scotia a year ago, surrounded by a raging fire, and 6000 kilometres away from the nearest friendly face.

I have one friend remaining in my life, as all the others warmed to me like gonorrhoea when I left Nova Scotia and returned to British Columbia. They filled the air with choking clouds of Lysol at the mere whiff of my name, suspecting my misfortunes to be contagious.

I don’t take it personally, as it’s human nature, and there was no loss worthy of mourning at that point.

So, where does this leave me?

We all potentiate relationships in their absence. In their presence, you rise one morning years later to discover that it has now become a routine, with all the nuanced glamour of mopping a floor.

We become victims of life’s ingenious contrivances. One thinks of them in terms of the feast of Cana, but at the end of the day it’s just natures way of disguising cheap pedestrian pablum.

There’s no glamorous victory to celebrate today. This experience has stripped me of my belief in life’s ingenious contrivances, making me feel like I can never go home again…

“You can’t go back home to your family, back home to your childhood…back home to a young man’s dreams of glory and of fame, back to places in the country, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting, but which are changing all the time-back home to the escapes of time and memory.” Thomas Wolfe

 4 
 on: June 01, 2024, 02:14:14 PM  
Started by Mikeyz - Last post by Mikeyz
Hello everyone ! This is my first post here and I want to share my experience because it's been hurting me a lot these last days. I apologize if there are some faults, English is not my native language.

I don't know where to begin but I'll try to explain the whole story so you have all details. I'm 22 and I met my ex two and half years ago. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but she says she has BPD and I'm pretty sure it's true considering her behavior. She's my first love and it was really intense at first. During the first month of our relationship, she kept telling me that I was special, that I was the only one who could truly understand her, that I didn't judge her at all. I had access to her phone and one day I saw weird messages in her phone, she was talking to another guy and they seemed very close. I was jealous about this guy and told her about that. She told me that there was nothing with him and that he was just a friend, that I was paranoid. But then only 2 months later, she broke up with me and admitted she loves that guy (so our relationship didn't last very long). But we stayed in touch. During the next few months, we kept talking every day and she was still very close to me. I was her confident, she always told me about everything that was happening in her life, she kept reminding me I was very important to her. Then one day, maybe 4 months after our breakup, she decided to see that guy she loves. She told me she loved him even more when she met him, but only a few days later, she also saw someone else she met on a dating app and kissed him. Of course, I was really jealous but I also thought that it was not honest and decided to tell the guy she "loves" about the situation. The guy thanked me for informing him and decided to not go further with her even if he liked her. My ex learned about that and since that day, she became mad at me. She told me that I betrayed her, that she will never trust me again. She said that she lost the man of her life because of me and that she would never forgive me. Then a month later, she dated the guy she kissed (so not the guy she "loves") and their relationship lasted 7 months. We were still talking very often during their relationship. At the start of their relationship, she told me that she loves her boyfriend (which is weird since I though she loved the other guy who left). She was always telling me that her boyfriend does a lot for her, that he's the one, that she would move in with him. I remember it hurted me a lot because it seemed like it was always better with him. She made it look like their realtionship was healthy. But then after few months, she confessed to me that she still loves that guy who left and she tried to sabotage her relationship. So her boyfriend became tired of her behavior and decided to broke up. I was still there for her everyday. She told me that she doesn't want any relationships anymore and that she has to heal and move on from that guy she "loves". She stayed single for months but we were still talking everyday. It was really toxic tho. We used to argue a lot, and often she would remind me that I betrayed her, that she doesn't love me, that she feels nothing for me, that I destroyed her life. Even if I always tried my best to not argue, she would find a way to argue with me. And as days goes she would become colder and colder, and kept telling me she didn't love me. She would often block me after an argument, but not on every social medias, probably knowing I would reach out. Or sometimes she would block me everywhere but unblock me a few hours after. Then four months ago, she started to become affective with me again. This has not happened for almost 2 years. She was kind to me, flirty and even accepted to see me again. It was the first time I was going to see her again since our breakup. I was so excited, I though maybe loves me. I saw her 3 months ago and she was so happy to see me. We slept together in a hotel and we didn't kiss or had sex but she slept in my arms, she cuddled my hairs while looking at me. She did everything a person in love would do. And in the middle of that night, I texted a friend on Instagram and she saw a girl in my dm's. That girl she saw was nothing more than a friend but she started to get mad at me and then cried. She told me that I betrayed her again, that I do not truly love her. She said that I was a liar because I told her before the date that I wasn't talking to any girl. But I meant no girls in a romantic way. But even if I showed her my conversations with this girl to show that there was nothing romantic, she didn't believe me and said that I was just a play boy. What's weird is that an hour later she came in my arms again so I though the problem was finally over. In the morning, we both woke up at the same time and she didn't want to leave my arms. That's when I though that she definitely loves me. When we each comeback home, I told her that I missed her a lot and that I was so happy to see her after all that time, she answered "me too". A few days later, I proposed her to see each other again but she replied very coldly. She said that she's not sure that she wants any relationships. I didn't know what to do but said that I could wait for her. Then as the days goes, she became colder and colder and finally told me that she doesn't want to date someone like me "who doesn't know what he wants" and who "talks to multiples girls at the same time". So she used that again as en excuse to not see me. She also said that she doesn't love me at all and that she felt nothing when she saw me. And the hurted me a lot to hear that. So I asked her why did she slept in my arms when we saw each other and she said that it meant nothing, that she could do that with friends and that  if she loved me, she would kiss me. That made no sense at all. Then she said that she's still love that guy (yes still the same guy she saw 2 years ago). So she said again that she had to move on from him, that she doesn't want any relationships with anyone because she is lost and won't be able to love anyone for a long time because she's still in love with that guy. As the days goes, we argued a lot and she became even colder and I suspected her to talk to someone else but she kept telling me that she wasn't interested at all by relationships and that she wants to heal alone and I believed her. But then 1 month ago, she told me to move on and find someone else, then she blocked me everywhere. And it was actually the first time she really blocked me without unblocking me directly so I tried to reach her out. I was making new accounts to talk to her and she would always replied with mean words, that she didn't care about me. It was truly the first time she really wanted me out of her life so it shocked me. And 10 days ago, she finally told me that she had a boyfriend since 1 month. So she was lying to me when she said she talked to nobody and didn't want a relationship with anyone. It shattered my heart because it's the second time I'm getting replaced, and this time it hurts even more because I had hope to get her back. She says that it's the man of her life, that she will live with him, and marry him (after 1 month ??). She says that she directly proved his love for her unlike me. That he has been there for her (wtf ? I've always been there for her, I've been there for her during 2 years, everyday, everytime she needed to talk). She says that she's happy with him, that it's real love, while a few weeks ago she told me that she still loves the other guy from 2 years ago. So I really don't understand anything but seeing their relationship being perfect destroys me. It's like I'm nothing to her. I'm conscious that they're in the honeymoon stage and that she's probably idealizing him but there is a part of me that think that maybe he's just better than me. When I asked her why she did that to me, she answered that it was all my fault, that she deserved better than me (while in the past she used to say that I deserved better than her). She then blocked me everywhere and I was anxious that I tried to reach her out on tiktok with a new account. She told me to move on and I replied that I'll always be there for her if she need it and that I hope we'll talk again one day because she's very important to me. I also wished her happiness, and she didn't replied me but didn't block me either (I'm blocked everywhere except there on tiktok). I decided to not send any other messages so now it's been a week since we are in no contact. I can't sleep at night, I'm so anxious. My brain is wondering too much things. Does you really loves her new boyfriend ? Is she really happy with him ? Did she moved on with the other guy ? Am I still important to her ? Does she even think about ? Will she comeback one day ? Will she reach out ? I know I should move on because it's really toxic and it completely destroyed my mental health and self esteem (these 2 last years) but I still need some explanations because everything happened too fast and I feel lost.

I know it was very long but I wanted to give maximum informations. Thank you very much if you have read everything !
I hope you'll be able to give me constructive answers about that.

 5 
 on: June 01, 2024, 01:29:12 PM  
Started by joanpilot - Last post by Amina
There is a point when dealing with BPD splitting and rage where validation seems similar to "walking on eggshells." Sometimes calling them out on their illness or dumba*** stuff can work, but assessing if and when it is safe to do so, and if doing so, it will have to settle and you will have time apart, or not--sometimes they split back because of expressing your true self and called them out on it.  It's a bit of a sport to weave between having the connection in its wonderful moments and perfecting it to finite degrees, and treating them as they should be treated when they have utter appalling behaviors and lack of empathy. Not all cluster B's have emotional empathy to weave in and out of.  But--if they do have this beauty, it will be inconsistent.  I can empathize without validating.  That is key.

 6 
 on: June 01, 2024, 12:00:57 PM  
Started by Mad Dog - Last post by Mad Dog
Question: Are people with BPD capable of having religious beliefs or does this run counter intuitive to their mindset and their perception of the world?

Thanks

 7 
 on: June 01, 2024, 11:54:29 AM  
Started by Kashi - Last post by PeteWitsend
Quote from: Notwendy on June 01, 2024, 08:03:26 AM
...

One wonders why someone does this. I think some are probably sociopathic but I also think for many, it's the way they know to meet an emotional need or from trauma.
...

I know I've spent a lot of time wondering this as well.  And some of my close family members that found themselves on the receiving end of BPDxw's random rages and awful personality asked me this as well. 

I figured it was a "nurture" thing: I know in BPDxw's case (according to her at least), her parents largely abandoned her at times during the first few years of her life, and their parenting was spotty for a long time.  And their relationship was rife with alcoholism and mutual infidelity.  She told me one time (and I wondered why she admitted this), that her mom told her always to lie.  "Even if your husband catches you in bed with another man, deny it to his face."  But she was not the most reliable narrator, needless to say, and had no filter; she blamed her parents for a lot of things that conveniently excused her from taking responsibility for herself. 

But it seemed to me she never had a foundation of love and affection and trust, and learned that the only way to behave was to manipulate others to get what you want.  And KEEP them on pins and needles, because if they weren't afraid of what you would do, then THEY would do the same back. 

Others have told me here there's a strong genetic component to BPD.  How that plays out exactly is curious.  I assume there's not a single gene for things as complex as personality & behavior, but perhaps the lack of emotional balance is the key?  That leads them to anti-social behaviors because they otherwise can't survive?

I feel that this would be key to unlocking a lot about humanity, since - as I've read - at times we all display BPD-traits, especially as teenagers.  Why some people can't outgrow them and cling to them long term, and to the extent they do is very curious to me. 

 8 
 on: June 01, 2024, 11:53:02 AM  
Started by Mad Dog - Last post by Mad Dog
Thanks for the reply, NotWendy, very helpful and I really like the analogy. It is very difficult to not take it personally, but I am learning. I stay distant because it's the only way I can have some healing and gain some perspective. Guilt used to be an over riding emotion that took hold of me, but it's getting better.

Question: Do people with BPD have the capacity to forgive? While in therapy as a couple and during a session, I asked my wife if she could forgive me for all my past wrong doings. Her answer, no response, and the therapist did not ask her to respond. Is lack of forgiveness a hallmark of BPD?

 9 
 on: June 01, 2024, 11:20:24 AM  
Started by joanpilot - Last post by Amina
I've read a lot about validation and ways of dealing with my on and off again male partner of 4.5 years. Unfortunately some of his rages and splitting are suddenly about other women, and saying he needs a break, etc.  He will even do this after making love, having a fun vacation, etc.  I cannot validate this, as it is disrespectful and also absolutely bananas.  I am quite experienced with difficult men, but this particular speech about other women is almost like tourette's-- it is soo inappropriate and cruel and out of context.  I've tried validating other aspects of other splitting and raging but he is so close to panic attack/trauma during these cruel moments it doesn't seem to work to be reasonable.  Staying calm, (though no pressure too always be calm under the storm they can heave out unexpectedly) obviously helps or disengaging from the cycle of his words during a split. 

 10 
 on: June 01, 2024, 11:09:24 AM  
Started by hashbrown111822 - Last post by Amina
I've been on and off with a 35 year old man for 4.5 years.  Unfortunately he is not in treatment, and from time to time abuses a non-prescribed Xanax which makes his mood swings worse.  I also feel that there is a deep, meaningful connection that I cannot let go of.  He has split on me countless times, and blocks my number.  He can go from loving to hateful in a split second without any discernable warning.  It can be hard to explain to people why I still want it to work or why I did put all of my energy into the relationship and still re-engage with the cycles of his mood swings and splitting.  There is a tragic, empathic, creative man underneath his trauma and abuse, but unfortunately it is inconsistent.  If your guy is working in DBT and going to AA, there are bound to relapses, and your heart can decide if you want to stick with him--but getting to DBT is amazing because most cluster B's never admit there is anything wrong, or if they do, they do not seek treatment.  I fall prey to grief and sadness when he splits--and I try everything I can within reason, including telling him he is splitting, but he is on his own path of destruction then, and unfortunately will not stop easily, and especially without a support group or DBT. 

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