Hello lorbug and
15 years is a significant amount of time to be together. I wonder if you had a sense that things were "different" when you got together, or if it only became clear later in the relationship?
Regardless of when, I hear a lot of pain in your post. Nobody wants a relationship where the most special person in their life -- their partner -- is so wounding and hurtful. That's the one person who should be cherishing you above everyone else, and to hear deeply wounding statements... whatever the reasoning behind it, doesn't take away the hurt. I'm so sorry this is going on for you.
Why, why, why do BPD's say things they know hurt you terribly?
There's a lot to unpack here. One thing that has sunk in for me over the years here is that we need to remember that BPD is Borderline Personality
Disorder -- emphasis on disorder. pwBPD (persons with BPD) really, really, really don't process or interpret or rationalize things like persons without BPD. I don't think that BPD is just "they're just like us, only with stronger emotions". It does seem like fundamental thinking and perception processes are different.
So when we say "they know that what they're saying is hurtful", I'm not sure that's the whole story.
Each of us is responsible for the words we say, so I'm not saying "pwBPD have different brain wiring, so they get a free pass to do whatever".
I think what I'm getting at is that we have a choice about the motivations we attribute to the pwBPD, and I'm suspecting that a more accurate interpretation of "why do they say such hurtful things" might be this:
if we imagine that we are in a life-or-death situation, we could imagine feeling like "any option is on the table to save my life". I might be a pacifist, but if my life is on the line, I could see myself fighting to the death, for example.
I think that may be a more accurate analogy for why pwBPD say what they say. For whatever reason, they may be "wired" to have a much lower threshold for what they perceive as emotionally threatening. Things like -- their partner sighed, or had a neutral facial expression, or walked differently, or was away on a weekend, or didn't get eggs at the store... can be perceived as 10/10 emotional threats... and if we believe that there is a 10/10 threat facing us, we feel justified in defending ourselves by any means necessary.
Her vast emotional needs and low sensitivity/threat threshold may be what's motivating her. If she feels threatened, then anything is on the table for self-defense. I'm not sure she's thinking rationally, like "Wow, I really want to hurt lorbug, even though I know it's wrong". I'm suspecting it's more lower brain, self-preservation at any cost, shame avoidance at any cost, thinking, versus willfully planning to hurt you.
None of that makes it okay, or makes it not hurt. It may provide some perspective on the dynamic -- it is likely that she really isn't thinking of you much at all, when she's in a place of overwhelming emotional needs. She may be 100% focused on her own intense inner experience and it isn't really about what you did or didn't do, or did or didn't say, etc.
...
We're on the "Bettering a relationship" board, so the big question is -- given that your W is who she is, and you're (currently) choosing to be in the relationship, what are some things under your control that you do have agency in, to make your own life more livable?
A helpful place to start could be our "Tools and skills" section on
Relationship Skills. We also have a section of articles on
When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder that's worth looking at.
...
And no worries about feeling like your post was a pity party
These are some of the most challenging relationships, and having somewhere to come and process how you're feeling, with others in similar situations, can be so helpful. It's a great place to learn new tools, skills, and approaches, to take charge of your own life and make changes that are under your control.
Keep us posted on how things are going...
kells76