Thankful,

I’m glad you decided to go to the funeral to mourn your loss and grieve with family, even if it meant that your wife would punish you for that. Alas, I bet you expected zero support from your wife, because she’s the one who demands support all the time. She resents you for diverting your support of her, even if it’s for a funeral of an immediate family member for just one day. I’m sorry she treats you that way, but I think most people on these boards can relate. I went through a similar situation with my husband last year, and he wouldn’t even qualify for a BPD diagnosis!  It wasn’t enough for him to be petulant, demanding and yelling at me for “neglecting” him, but he tried to sabotage the day of the funeral!  All I’m saying is that this sad behavior is to be expected, unfortunately. It’s not your fault.

I guess my recommendation is that, since no matter what you do, you will make your wife angry, that you go ahead and do what you need to do. Let her have her meltdowns. At least that way, you spend time with your family. Your boundary is, her behavior won’t prevent you from seeing your family, because that is important to you. I think deep down she knows she’s being a jerk. She just can’t control herself.

I’m really sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard not to break down when you’re under so much pressure. I bet some of your colleagues can relate, but I’d be careful about sharing too much, because it is a workplace after all. Maybe something you could consider is getting emotional support from a pastor or therapist?  Of course you have your people here, but it’s not the same thing as in-person support.

All my best to you.

 Thank you not Wendy for your continued support and patience and your condolences. I always knew this would be a challenging time because I don’t have the strength or energy to handle things as I’ve learnt to. When I’m tired, sick, stressed or upset my wife’s behaviour spirals out of control, I guess this is me not being able to play the victim part. This morning she saw a Facebook picture of me with my brother at the pub 11 years ago. She was jealous because he had traveled for an hour to meet her for the first time and she refused to meet him. So I spent the afternoon with him and didn’t get in touch with her (apparently). I am struggling to be honest.

My first thought when seeing your post is that you are looking at this as if it is you- you aren't an idiot. You didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your FIL. This is distorted thinking on the part of your H and we don't have any control over someone else's thoughts and feelings.

You know this accusation is absurd. So why would your H say this?

One reason is that, even though he may not believe it- it's a way to get an emotional response and this is part of the dynamic.

One reason is that it is projected jealousy of time or attention to someone else- whether or not that someone else is related to you or not. He may see that you and his father are getting along. He saw that you were concerned about him being late. There's nothing wrong with your getting along with his father or being concerned about an elderly person.It's that he sees this and projects his feelings.

One reason is that he actually believes this. What he feels doesn't make it true. If he belived you were a pink elephant- that doesn't mean you are one.

Another reason is that if he's jealous of the platonic relationship you have with his father or anyone else- this is a way to "ruin it". Now you are avoiding his father. His father will sense this. The relationship is now different.

IMHO, you know this accusation is not true and it's absurd, so there's no reason to accomodate it or defend it. If he brings it up- you can say- this is between you and your father, I'm staying out of it. I bet he wouldn't have the nerve to bring this up with his father because his father would tell him that's crazy. It works better on you because, now you are accommodating this by creating distance with his father, which lessens your H's feelings of jealousy.

It's said "don't validate the invalid" so- the response to this is to carry on as usual with his father. There's no reason to change your behavior over something that isn't true. Also, the father won't understand why this is happening. He didn't do anything wrong and neither did you. He's an elderly man who asked for help from the two of you, and you were kind and doing that. So if your H is bothered by this- that is his issue to deal with between him and his father. You don't have to fix this for him. Again- put this back on him to deal with. "If you think this, go ask your father"

Hi, I think we've all been through the 'should I contact them again?' phase at one point or another. I actually wrote to my BPD-ex after a very long time apart when I found out she was living quite close to me. I never got any reply - which is probably just as well as I couldn't ever see her changing. I told myself I was just writing to 'see how she was' and nothing more.. but I knew deep down that if she'd wanted to meet up I'd have done it.

Are you thinking of doing this just to find out how she is and possible get some closure or are you actually wanting to get back with her in a relationship? You need to be honest with yourself as to your reasons and know that you could end up on exactly the same treadmill you were on with her, with the same inevitable ending.

As for getting some sort of closure, that's highly unlikely as in the mind of a BPD, they see themselves as the victim. Even if they did feel some remorse at their actions, their feelings of shame and guilt won't let them admit it; they prefer to simply blank it out.

Nothing wrong with sending her a short 'Hi, how you doing?' message. Just be prepared for what it could lead to.

Good luck with whatever you do - keep us informed.

Finally decided to post after reading various posts here for a long time. Late 20s only child male, father is uPWD (but has a diagnosis for OCD) and my mother is the enabler. As background my father had lots of young-adulthood trauma and so for a long time his mental health issues have been traced to that. However, talking to his siblings its clear much of this behavior predates that and is very strongly suggestive of BPD. One of his siblings was diagnosed with BPD.

Both of my parents are also hoarders. Their marriage has been dysfunctional as long as I've been alive. They've never shared a bedroom and are basically two people living in the same house and go most of the day without talking. Since I was a teenager it became my job to communicate between them, though I was also the "golden child" until I became a teenager so it really took me a long time to wake up to all this.

Since COVID everything has completely spiraled out of control and it's become clear to me how extremely dysfunctional this family is. My father started a long list of prohibitions of things we weren't allowed to do because we couldn't do them "right". I always thought this was due to OCD but now its become clear much of this is from his uBPD and his desire to be in control.

I was able to "escape" this to some degree, but my mom's condition has worsened. Here's a list of some things shes not allowed to do: open the windows, open the shades (they live in darkness), dust, vacuum, mop, use the dishwasher, handwash dishes, drive, go outside (yes, I'm sadly serious), go for walks, go in the yard. She only leaves the house when he drives her which truly is maybe ten times a year. This sounds even more extreme when I type it yet when I confront her about how we need to take steps to stop this she pretends there's nothing wrong. "If I wanted to do something I would" she says. Well, she hasn't. She sits on the couch all day long and watches TV and manages his constant never ending outbursts.

So what are the consequences if those "rules" are violated? He has a complete unmitigated meltdown. When I was younger it involved more screaming, but now it involves lots of door slamming, weeks-long silent treatment, and often sobbing. I had a lot of prohibitions growing up too, but I was able to escape most of these by moving out. Though of course in classic BPD fashion he had an extreme meltdown when I moved out. He also surveilles her constantly. Going through her phone and computer and if I'm on the phone with her I can hear him walk by seriously 5-10 times in a 30 minute conversation so he can listen to what we're discussing. All my life during fights he has also explosively accused me of "always liking my mom more than him".

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed by this especially because of this "alternate reality" they both have. They both pretend like things are normal. In addition to the dysfunction between each other their house is squalid. I can't even go into details but think hoarders episodes. I tried to help them clean a few years back. We filled an enormous dumpster. And everything went back to this squalid state. I just feel so hopeless with this. I know I'm an adult and I live away from them but I feel so responsible for their squalid awful living state but I can't do anything. They both make it clear to me explicitly that "I'm the only thing they have to live for" and so it feels like betrayal to criticize. Also my mother was diagnosed with cancer recently which has just made things even worse. That's a whole other post. Just feeling incredibly trapped by this.

My heart is with you. It’s been 12 days since I’ve been cut off and a second doesn’t go by that it’s not on my mind. My ability to function is consumed by thoughts of my D and my grandchildren. I know compared to you this time period is short but it’s the first time she’s cut both me and her father out and it seems like an eternity. There’s little we can do to have any control over the situation and that’s crippling. I hope this community can help support you on your darkest days. We walk the same path and know one another’s pain. We’re lonely but not alone.

Thank you everyone - my heart is broken as I cannot imagine not being able to see my gcs.  I understand what you are saying when you say it consumes your thoughts.  I feel like I am walking around holding my breath.  I reached out to her today to ask her if I could talk to the boys and she confirmed that she does not want anything to do with me and my husband.  I cannot believe we are here.  She is convinced that we are abusive and is looking for an apology for everything we ever did that hurt her in her mind.  She feels that my mother was abusive (she was not) and as a result so am I and until I deal with that then there is no chance of reconciliation.  I told my husband that I do not know when I will be ok. How do you talk to someone who is so unreasonable and cannot see that she is part of the problem.  I have apologized but apparently it is not genuine.  She gives us no opportunity to work through it.  It feels impossible.

Ouch!  Been there, experienced that!

My ex accused me of doing things with my female relatives.  One evening we were at my cousin's home and on the way home she ranted and raged that I should divorce her and marry my cousin's wife, all because we spoke.  I even drove her to the local hospital and she refused to go in so we just drove home.  To say she was highly triggered and sensitized is an understatement.  It was maybe only a few months later when it got progressively worse and my marriage imploded when I called the police and, according to her perceptions, I was the one who created the incident.  (Fortunately our preschooler wouldn't leave my arms so I wasn't carted off despite being asked to "hand the tyke to his mother and step away".)

The reality was that I revealed her private abusive behavior which had been increasing almost month by month.  As in, How dare I do that!  People with Borderline traits (pwBPD) rely on the other's reluctance to disclose the abusive or near-abusive behavior done in private scenarios.

As much as I was concerned for my own welfare, I was even more worried for our preschooler.  My area was known to always default children to mother's care and so it was an uphill struggle to remain an involved father... but it was worth the pain to get through that long dark tunnel and reach the light on the other side, not just for me but also for my now grown child.

I’m looking for some advice if I should reach out to my ex undiagnosed borderline girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago and the last time we spoke was in early February and she still was splitting on me. Of course there was no closure whatsoever. It was a complete. I need to protect myself walked out my front door and ghosted me after being together for three years. The reason for me to contact her is I just wanna see how she’s doing. We don’t have any friend connection so I really don’t know what’s going on in her life nor do I do any social media. I’m on the fence with the decision because I heard some people say sure reach out. Let them know you still care for Her. And others tell me no wait till she reaches out to you. There’s a part of me that really just wants a kind of reckoning for everything that I went through which I may not get and I’m just looking for some simple advice.

Hope you guys are having a wonderful summer if you’re in the northern hemisphere.

I have found telling the borderline how you feel does nothing to help the situation. It seems to infuriate them more as if only their feelings matter.