Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, seekingtheway
.
I think you nailed it there in your description about him having put you in a silo in terms of just being there to offer support and then he leaves again once he feels better. That's a pretty powerful realisation.
It may take me a while to process this, this painful truth that hurts me because on my end I was so utterly devoted to him. I idealized him, what I imagined our life could be if only he `gave me the chance`. I made him into something he was not.
It's helpful I think to remember that what someone with BPD is actually looking for is the perfect parent - they are trying to solve or soothe something from their childhood, and their relationships are dependent on someone else meeting the needs of this immature, wounded, underdeveloped part of their brain. It doesn't actually matter what your needs are, as long as you are fulfilling this role. So no, that's not the true definition of a mature romantic love, or anywhere close to it.
Aside from the fact that it feels good to you to be able to support and help, he's not actually meeting your needs at all, so I'm glad that you're seeing it through this lens, as painful as that is.
This makes me feel sad for him. That he is on one hand a person lost and looking for love, and yet on the other hand is unable to recognize it, and even sabotages it when it is given to him.
I`m sorry that you are going through a similar situation. You express yourself with such clarity and understanding (which helps me), which I know is only one piece of the puzzle, but it feels like a big one when it comes to coming to terms with these relationships we have found ourselves in.
Even if he does have some realisations in the coming weeks or months, which might potentially happen if he is on his own, and you're now seemingly leaving him as well... so be prepared?? But even if he did have all the realisations, the question is does he have the emotional maturity or skills to ever have a relationship where you are appreciated for who you are? And there is reciprocity and interdependence? If you try and project beyond the here and now, which is a painful game of cat and mouse... being in a relationship with someone with BPD traits is most likely going to be a painful and exhausting, and one where your need are unlikely to be important.
This makes me ponder, and I will write my thoughts out (although maybe not in a logical order). First, it`s weird for me to not be blocked (which is a sad statement I know
). Second, I myself have anxiety/ocd coming into play. I haven`t had enough therapy sessions to feel entirely settled yet, but I really hope that managing that aspect will allow for me to feel more peace. Third, I want to recognize that I have grown a lot and gained skills and have a softness to me that will one day make me a good partner to someone (and which already make me a good friend). I feel like after interacting with him, and having him dismiss me, my belief in myself was affected (which I don`t like!). It made me feel like if only I was a different way (more like his ex, less anxious, more firm, more self-assured) then maybe he`d recognize me. Even if it was true, why would I want to change myself for a relationship? If someone wants to be with someone who has blue hair, cool, I don`t have blue hair but that doesn`t take away from my value. I am soft and caring, doting and maternal, I am working on myself and I don`t need anyone`s approval.