Hi Dogwalk
You highlight a really important thing -the difference we feel when we relate to others with disorders compared to relating to someone in our own family. The difference can be huge understandably for many reasons.

We have known our child all their life and have supported, loved, nurtured and cared for them each and every day.

You don't give details or examples of the sort of things that are happening so it is difficult to say how I would respond in such a circumstance. Perhaps you would feel comfortable enough to give some examples?

The information here will be helpful in many ways. The most important way for me was reading others' experience and realising there were others dealing with the same thing. I also learnt - over a period I time - the following things that guide me through the mire that is BPD:

The boundaries I needed to put up were necessary for ME. When I felt overwhelmed I looked to find a way to have some time out no matter how small a period of time. i don't respond to verbal abuse. I told DD that I was not going to respond when she was like this because it made it worse. She needed time to de - escalate and if I responded I made it worse.

I have kept to that and it is easier that she knows why I am not responding. She will now tell me not to respond to a tirade - and of course I don't!

The 3 C's mantra has been a great help: I didn't cause this; I can't control it; I can't cure it.

Not JADE - ing is also a great tool: I try not to Judge, Argue. Defend myself or Explain

That might sound ridiculous but the BPD mind is not rational. We can only defend etc if there is a possibility the person is able to engage in rational discussion.

The not judging can be difficult, but I can honestly say I don't know how I would feel or think  or act as a BPD person.

Living with someone with BPD can have a big effect on our mental health. For many years I think I suffered from PTSD symptoms. When the phone rang I was on high alert - there could be a drama I was supposed to solve immediately, or DD was in some dangerous situation. Then the confusion around money - the impulsivity is one of the symptoms for some BPD people - and what do we do? Sometimes our choices are not clear at all and we feel trapped.

I hope there is some possibility of 'time out' for you - preferably some regular time - when you can step out of the relationship and focus on the gift of your own life, that no matter what is happening around you, your life is special and each of us walks their own journey through all the pain, sorrow and joy.

To be honest my life is very difficult at the moment particularly in that I can't plan from day to day or know what is happening. But I have one thing that takes me out of my narrow focused world. I sit on the back step and tell myself I am spinning through space at great pace, surrounded by other planets all that distance away but connected to me - this is my time here on earth, this is my journey.

Then I can go back inside to the narrow chaos. Sorry if that all sounds crazy - it is, but it keeps me sane!!

Hi SwanOrnament
Some days the impossibility of our situations is just overwhelming. Often these days are linked to a birthday/anniversary/Christmas etc. But not always - it can just creep up and cover us in a blanket of - I was going to say despair, thought again, then thought yes I have felt despair.

Anger of course. I admit that I have found myself at times - when dd is raging and I am trying to let it all go past me - saying to myself 'You ie my dd are turning into a monster'.

That's when the good old not JADE - ing comes in handy!

It is the time to care for yourself now - you have given so much and have carried the pain and sorrow for a long time.

You did the right thing sending the gift etc. How dd responds is out of your control - though it is probably predictable. Dealing with BPD one is damned if we do, damned if we don't. In the end it comes down to 'what is the right thing for me to do in my particular situation.

I think you also did the right thing not initiating SS inquiry. It is so unknowable how that will turn out. In the past I have done so and the situation has stayed the same after an inquiry - only difference was that I was the enemy.

I was very relieved to read your grandchild attends care a few days each week. I think this is a real lifeline. It is good also that they have mandatory reporting requirements if/when they think a child is neglected or in harm's way. So there is some oversight there.

Take care of yourself in any way that you are able. Protecting ourselves from the hurtful remarks, false accusations and 'crazy' demands takes a lot of effort - we can only get there a small step at a time I think.

Thank you for posting and sharing with us here. We all have a shared experience and we are not alone.

I too faced your situation.  In my situation I had thought having a child - wow, some two decades ago - would brighten my spouse's life watching our child discover the joys of life.  Sadly, she drew away, at first I thought she couldn't love both husband and child so chose our child.  But it worsened as our child approached the age she had been when her abuser stepfather entered her family's life.  I later concluded she couldn't trust me, despite over a dozen years married, since I as a father now reminded her of her stepfather, her dysfunctional FOO (family of origin).  I hadn't changed but her perception of me had.

I too tried joint counseling but my now ex-spouse flatly refused.  That in itself was a bad sign.  BPD is most impactful on the people in close relationships and that's precisely why the closest person (me) couldn't get her to listen to me, she could not or would not get past the perceived emotional baggage of the relationship to truly listen to me.  And if she wouldn't listen to therapists either, well...

It wasn't long, a few months later, before I had to face the fact that my marriage was imploding and there was nothing I could do but to protect myself and especially protect my parenting.

Do you have children?  That can greatly complicate a separation and divorce, both in the process and the expense.

Often - but not always - as we look back we can identify some triggers that help explain why it suddenly got worse when it did.  I suspect at this point there's little you can do if she is in such determined Denial and Blame Shifting.  Time will tell.

However we do have a Tools & Skills Workshops board with many communication, boundary, and other tips.  Here is a directory of the topics.  Notice the articles on boundaries.  Since pwBPD resist boundaries, the boundaries are for us to implement and determine how we can respond to poor behavior.  Also, it explains there why JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) doesn't work (logic can't impact such intense emotional perceptions) but SET, DEARMAN, BIFF might, well, at least for a while.

If I may add a suggestion when you call the police... What usually happens is what happened to me.  It was a weekend.  She worked herself into a rage - we were in a private scenario, at home - and threatened to kill me so I called the emergency line.  Two officers responded.  By then she calmed herself down though she was clearly angry with me.  They spoke to her, she must have claimed to be a victim and me an abuser because one of the officers told me to hand my quietly sobbing preschooler over to her and "step away".  I tried to comply but he shrieked and clung tighter to me in my arms.  What kid won't go to the mother?  The officer looked at me for a moment, said "work it out" and they departed.

I had three voice recorders but that one I was using that afternoon didn't have a speaker that worked.  So I had the recording but no way to document to them who the aggressive person was.  Later when I finally got a divorce lawyer ( I had failed to prepare by finding a lawyer in advice) he remarked he had been an officer in a prior career and their goal when arriving at the scene of a domestic dispute was to separate the people and defuse the dispute.  He was almost stunned why I wasn't carted off.

So ponder how you would be able to document to the arriving officers that you weren't the one in an aggressive rage, well aware that your partner would almost surely claim to be the victim (the system generally assumes women are by default the victims) and you the aggressor.  If you both claim to be the victim and no witnesses, police will likely side with the "poor helpless" woman.

I had quietly recorded and it did help slightly in my separation and divorce process, but it also was a form of insurance that I wasn't the aggressive or threatening one, insurance that helped me sleep at night.

While we hope you two figure out whether you have a future together, you would be wise to (very quietly) implement some strategies to protect yourself in advance of further conflict - legally by locating an experienced family law attorney as well as financially and emotionally.

Diagnosing BPD in individuals under age 18 used to be controversial, but that's changed. Diagnosis in adolescents was codified in DSM-V.

In case you might find Dr. Marsha Linehan's story of interest, here's a NYTimes article discussing it. https://archive.ph/EbeNI

Traditional psychoanalysis can actually be detrimental with BPD patients.
Short excerpts from a couple articles:

"The patients that Dr. Stern was seeing appeared neurotic – with intact reality testing – on their first interview, but when they were put on the couch they got worse. Their lives unraveled and they became self-destructive as they were unable to grapple with the intense emotions that psychoanalysis brought up."

"So the prescription was classical psychoanalysis, calling for the patient to free associate while lying on the couch. "At first, she was friendly and cooperative, always on time and eager to talk about herself," Oldham recalled. "She engaged in the treatment and seemed to be benefitting from it."
A couple of months into treatment, however, the patient made an announcement. "She said to me, ‘Here I am doing just what I've always done. I blithely rush into a relationship without even thinking about it, and I don't know you at all. How do I know I can trust you?’"
She began to demand of Oldham information about himself and about his training and blamed him for what she perceived as a treatment that wasn't working. "She became convinced I was keeping secrets from her and told me the problem was that I had been trained in a ‘fly-by-night’ school," he said. "In time, she would become absolutely enraged at me, regardless of what I said. And when I didn't give her an answer she wanted, it became proof that once again she had landed in the clutches of someone who was another disappointment and who might actually harm her."
The treatment and what had appeared to be a promising therapeutic relationship ended abruptly when the patient relocated to another part of the country. For Oldham the case remains an object lesson in how not to treat a patient with BPD.
"Under no circumstances would I treat her today with psychoanalysis," Oldham said."

That's part of what I think happened with my ex. The NPD guy she's now seeing initially offered to act as her therapist (though he has absolutely no training as a therapist). They proceeded with free-association psychoanalysis, and she deteriorated. Then they began their affair. Her BPD symptoms are now far worse than in the years we were together. She believes that her "therapy" with this guy uncovered repressed material that had always been there and needed to be worked on, but the reality is that the pseudotherapy really f*cked her up. And she often does recognize that she's pretty psychologically messed up now. I did subsequently manage to engage her into proper DBT therapy (at a center that works predominantly with pwBPD), but she resisted the DBT therapy and wouldn't do the homework, and then dropped out.

It has often been stated that in our intractable dysfunctional cases - which others not in the direct line of fire (so to speak) don't realize - we generally don't get "closure" from our ex-relationships.

Closure typically is something we have to Gift ourselves... Let Go and Move On.

And if we share children, then we can't let everything go.  While we can end the adult relationship, we will never end our parenting!

Thanks @CC43 for more insight.
When she gets stressed, my daughter seems to be paranoid about various bad actors (the mob, Massad, the CIA, bankers, lawyers) who she feels are trying to kidnap/kill or do something else to her. I have tried to think why this is and it is hard to understand. She has herself taken legal action against a former business partner, and was successful in winning some funds as part of a mediation process - it was very traumatic for her and I think this may be why she now says lawyers are after her (projecting her use of lawyers to go after someone else, maybe?). I'm not sure about the cocaine dealer thing. She has falsely accused her father and brother of being 'violent international cocaine dealers' and often refers to 'cocaine dealers' as another group who are after her for some reason, which is difficult to understand. I don't think she is using cocaine, but I know she is using cannabis (which can exacerbate psychosis) and has tried mushrooms too. I have suggested to her that these can be making her feel worse, not better, without any success.

In terms of turning to other family members, I think she has pretty well used them all up now, and most no longer answer her calls or respond to her other messages. If she does talk to them and they suggest I'm not all bad, or that she should get mental health care, she gets angry and blocks them. She has gradually reached out to more and more distant relatives, who usually contact me, confused as to what is going on with her. You are right, I am really her only ally who continues to connect with her. I agree,  I really hope she will seek help sooner rather than later. It is so hard to watch the current situation!

Your story is very much my story with my wife. Since learning of BPD I now see the paranoia, splitting, rigidity and lack of self awareness. We have been married 48 years, I love my wife dearly and am learning to deal with living with someone with BPD. Continue to read and learn.

Hello to everyone on this blog. My story is not unique, yet despite attempts at counseling I often feel hopeless. 30+ years ago my wife and I had issues which I did not understand. I am an alcoholic and sober for 25 years. As time went on, I began to feel like something was wrong with me and I sought out a therapist. After several sessions the therapist said she would like to meet my wife if possible. My wife agreed to meet as a couple. At the first and only meeting my wife had prepared a written statement which she proceeded to read. When the therapist asked her if we could just talk, her response was "no" and she continued on with her written statement and then had nothing more to say. I continued to work with the therapist for several months, focusing on my self esteem. Several years later, when things again became unbearable, I sought out therapy again for myself. The original therapist retired so I started anew. When my wife would ask, "why are you going to therapy?" I would respond I was "trying to be a better person". After several sessions my wife decided she wanted to attend "to see what lies I was telling about her." The initial visit was like the first therapist, she had a written script which she would not deviate from but at the end of the session said she would come back. I was elated. After several couples sessions the therapist felt it would be best if each of us worked with our own therapist. I willingly agreed to seek out someone for myself, I was thrilled that my wife had established a relationship with a therapist. We continued on with out individual therapists with written consents that the therapists could consult and discuss our sessions as needed. Shortly thereafter, it was recommended that we see a therapist the specializes in "high conflict relationships". After just getting started (2 sessions), the therapist missed out scheduled visit (it was a 40 minute drive) for us. She was apologetic but wife was done. I continued with the individual therapy with my therapist. I expressed my concerns about not getting any answers and nothing seemed any better in my marriage. She assured me she had been in contact with the other therapist. Finally, during one of our sessions (all of which were via Zoom due to Covid, she recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells." More accurately, she stated that someone recommended the book. I quickly bought it and my eyes were opened and things started to make sense. After several more sessions I decided to stop the therapy as I now had an idea of what had been going on all these years! We continue to have episodes of rage and I have learned to accept that they are part of the condition. I have gone on long enough for the moment and just had to unload as I had just been verbally assaulted once again. I feel better now that I have found this forum. Any help and insights would be greatly appreciated. We have been married for 48 yrs. and have 3 grown daughters who are married. I have been warned not to share their mother's diagnosis with them, as it will cause more harm than good. Thanks for your time.

Kindness,

I know this is an incredibly difficult time for you. One aspect of your daughter’s letter that caught my attention was paranoia around “cocaine addicts” and lawyers. That immediately made me think that she herself is abusing drugs, maybe cocaine, which could cause (or exacerbate) symptoms like paranoia, delusions and anger. And maybe there are “lawyers” after her, though I suspect she’s leaving out the reason why—that she might be stirring up trouble or breaking rules in her community. I witnessed a similar behavior with my stepdaughter, who became paranoid after initiating illicit drug use and encountered self-inflicted stress. She told many stories about her being persecuted/bullied, while leaving out her role in stirring up trouble. (I have no doubt that she was the bully.) I don’t mean to frighten you more, but that’s just one possible explanation. My stepdaughter had to hear it from doctors that drug use was likely causing her dysfunction, rather than helping her cope with it.

If my stepdaughter’s experience serves as a parallel, your daughter might soon turn to other family members for help. But when those avenues are exhausted, she’ll come back to you, because you are her one ally. I’m sure she knows that. If she finally comes around and sees the need to get help, she might even admit she never meant any of those terrible things she said and wrote to you. That was her illness and rage talking, not her. You’d think a grown and once successful professional woman would know better, but that’s BPD. I just hope she comes around sooner rather than later. But the timeline is up to her. I just happen to think that unconditional financial support only serves to lengthen the timeline while putting you yourself at risk. She’s going to need you for moral support, so you should be sure to take care of yourself mentally, physically and financially.

I should probably have rephrased that -- my point was that there didn't seem to a be single definitive approach versus a variety of approaches with varying degrees of success.

As I wrote, my ex was taking several medications and seeing a therapist. I don't know what specific treatments she was receiving. She generally was pretty secretive about it. Every once in a while, though, she open up a bit, usually when I was offering to work with her and her therapist, if that was possible. But for the most part, she kept me in the dark.

Interesting about the diagnosis of BPD in adolescence. I was under the impression they don't diagnose such in people under 18.  I've also read conflicting things about the efficacy of treatment.