Hi PurpleRain24,
Your post really resonates with me and my relationship to my uBPD mom. I’m wondering many of the same things, and will be following this thread to see other more experienced members’ responses.

I’m sorry I can’t really add any helpful suggestion, but I hear you and empathize with your situation fully.

On Mother’s Day (predictably), I had a big fight with my mom that left me feeling extremely angry and bitter. She called the next day to “see how I was” , but, as always, there was zero acknowledgement of her role in the misunderstanding or apology for her irrationally explosive behavior.
From what I’m gathering here at the forum, BPDs are shockingly oblivious to how their behavior affects others, perhaps especially loved ones. If anything, people seemingly on the margins of their relationship spheres seem to get way more attention and thought (disproportionately so), whereas those “closest” to them must completely put aside their own feelings and needs to accomodate BPD’s every whim, childlike temper tantrums and attention-seeking outbursts.

Put simply, it sucks and is extremely emotionally draining. It literally takes me days to recover. It all hurts so much, especially when you realize it’s coming from your OWN MOTHER.
Best of luck with everything, I wish you well 

Picking up SD16 at Mom's in the a.m. has been going OK. I just sit in the car and text her when I get there. H did go up to the door and knocked the other day; Stepdad answered the door, called for SD16, and shut the door on H. At least H could laugh it off. And it doesn't seem like Mom or Stepdad are trying to "convince" SD16 that "she doesn't really want to go with us". I don't know why not; that's what they'd usually do in the past.

We all went to a school event for SD16 last night. We saw Mom & Stepdad across the hall, waited for them to go in the room first, then went in and sat on the opposite side of the room. Stepdad was his usual self, center of attention/super loud. H said that Mom looked rough. SD16 did come up to us and chat a bit -- wasn't doing the "if Mom is here then I'll pretend I don't see you" thing.

H has been texting with SD16 to plan some trips this summer. She is really excited about a couple of them and has given input about when she wants to do them. So that's positive, that she still wants to do things with us. I am coping with lots of anxiety about how this weekend (when she should be with us) she said she wants to spend all day Friday, plus Friday night, at Mom's (Friday is all-grades prom at school, and Saturday she has a midday extracurricular event). I can kind of talk myself down by putting myself in her shoes -- she said she wants to get ready at Mom's and plus she has her event stuff (a lot to lug around) at Mom's. The fear is still there, that she's just coming up with plausible excuses not to spend the night at our place, or that after her event on Saturday, she'll say something like "Can I just go back to Mom's, I'm really tired" or something. I am working to get in the headspace of "whatever she and H work out is cool with me" -- it's H's parenting time so if he's good with something then that's his deal.

Overall, I really have no idea what to expect at any moment. I am 1000% looking over my shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Hello UnknownPleasures  ! Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found us and took the brave step in sharing your story. Here, we `get it` when it comes to experiencing relationships that have left us baffled, frustrated and confused. You are not alone, and it can get better from here.

It sounds like you have been through many ups and downs with this individual. You were understandably frustrated, and hurt, from being on the receiving end of hot and cold behaviour. Something that I remind myself of is that when someone behaves in this way, is that it has more to do with them than it has to do with you. It`s a reflection of his own limitations and emotional baggage. That`s not to say that he is a bad person. You are not wrong in having feelings for him, loving him, wanting to be there for him. He himself, in all likelihood, is navigating life with an impairment that won`t go away without serious and ongoing therapy. It is unfortunate that you were on the receiving end of the manifestation of his symptoms, but you can learn and grow and understand yourself through this experience, and you deserve to be loved and respected.


It`s understandable to feel unsettled by the abrupt ending of things. I also think it`s good for you to pause (as you are doing!) and understand your motivations before taking action.

I do think that writing a letter can be beneficial. However, what would sending the letter bring you? What if he does reply to you? Where do you see this relationship going?

Remember that, ultimately, closure is something that we give ourselves. Very rarely is the person who hurt you in the position to help you move on. That is even more so the case when that person is unable to navigate their own emotions.

Looking forward to reading your reply. Take your time, be patient and kind with yourself  .

I have posted here before. My 17YO is diagnosed with BPD. She is getting worse as she is isolating in her room. She is very very irritable and snaps at any point. On Mother’s Day my sons cell phone reflected the sunlight in her eye and she cussed him out and called him every name in the book. Last night we were watching a movie and she began ranting about things. When she does this I will stay present and listen but if I respond she will snap and if I don’t respond she gets even more angry because I am ignoring her she says. Last night I told her I loved her and that I am sorry she is hurting. She then began to rage and tell me she isn’t hurting she hates me and wants me dead. She threw a pillow at me but stayed in her seat. She then began to say very dark things about bashing my face in and how she should just kill me and get it over. All of her problems will be gone she said. She told me how badly she wants to kill me. And how easy it would be to catch the house on fire and kill everyone. I then left the room and locked the door. We removed all of the sharps etc. I’m so tired of being afraid and sleeping with our doors locked. I know she is hurting and says these things out of anger but maybe there is truth in them and that scares me. I will be reporting this to her full crisis team. I am so afraid I don’t want something bad to happen to her for saying this if she was angry but I don’t know what to do. I will definitely be talking this over with the team but I am so sick to my stomach. Why won’t she let me give her my love and support? She says she is happy living in her head because she cannot live in society. I really hope this crisis team helps

Yes, she definitely suffers from body dysmorphia

My mom has BPD and my life has been so very difficult.  She is in her 80s now.  I'm working hard to forgive and I am still in her life-- basically the only person in her life.  I'm an only child. 

I've worked with therapists on and off in the past 12 years for this and childhood sexual abuse.  I'm back at it with a therapist and I feel I am finally making progress.  My poor husband has put up with so much that he didn't bargain for.  But I've almost pushed him to the limit.

I think hearing from others on what they are doing to heal and get past it may help me.  It certainly can't hurt.

Thank you for including me in your group.

I've been facing numerous challenges as a parent of a child with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). (Diagnosed in Family therapy before she dropped out of it.) After reading about other parents' experiences, it's comforting to know I'm not alone. Physical violence, property damage, and boundary violations are just some of the difficulties we encounter.

My daughter, who will be 19 next week, has expressed a desire for a loving relationship with me. However, this is contradicted by her actions and words, often resulting in a barrage of constant provocations. It seems like she wants to push me to do something to justify her behavior. Blame is always shifted, and taking responsibility is never part of the equation.

She frequently trespasses into my room, takes my belongings, and rarely returns them. Despite telling her father that she doesn't want my things, her actions contradict her words. When I installed a hidden camera and filmed her taking my belongings, she came up with an excuse and accused me of instigating trouble.

One incident occurred when she took my jacket, and I politely asked for it back. Her response was a barrage of verbal abuse, spitting, and ultimately, spray painting my clothes and face. This behavior is not isolated, as she often resorts to violence and abusive words when I don't agree with her false narratives. It's like this episode from Star Trek where the antagonists wants the tortured to admit to seeing 5 lights, when there are only 4 lights.  She will do anything she can to force me to agree to her distortions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jk3EsXgXcyQ

Despite my daughter's desire for a loving relationship, her actions make it difficult to trust her intentions. My self-preservation instincts are strong, but navigating this situation feels like walking on eggshells, trying not to trigger her. It's crucial for her to understand that I can't change actions I didn't do in the first place.
As her 19th birthday approaches, she has threatened me by text, telling me to prove that I care about her. While it's true that I've had to emotionally distance myself to protect my well-being, I still care deeply for her and want to work towards a healthier relationship.

In summary, my daughter's BPD has resulted in a pattern of unpredictable emotions, physical violence, and boundary violations. It's difficult to reconcile her stated desire for a close relationship with her behavior. I'm hoping to find a way to understand her motivations better and work towards a healthier dynamic between us.

----   
Threads that resonated
When your are criticised and accused unfairly

The author describes their stepdaughter who invents stories of abuse, using them to manipulate and deflect blame.

Anything said can be used against you. Even good intentions are misinterpreted.

The author interprets the behavior as a response to perceived trauma, even if there isn't any from an objective perspective.

The parent feels like nothing they say is interpreted correctly. Everything is seen negatively, with positive actions dismissed as insincere.

The daughter's behavior is described as erratic and unpredictable, and hateful.

The parent questions their own actions and feels like a failure despite their past efforts to support their daughter.

The daughter is seen as manipulative, using accusations and emotional tactics to control the situation. These include accusations of abuse and neglect.

Despite the pain, the parent expresses love for their daughter and a desire to help, but feels emotionally unsafe due to the ongoing situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357709.0

How do you respond to being called a narcissist?
The daughter uses the term "narcissist" as a way to blame the parent for her problems. The constant blame can make the parent question themselves.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357898.0

My daughter blames me
The author shares their experience of being constantly blamed by their daughter with BPD.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358319.0

How to help and understand my adult daughter.
 The post details a history of challenging behaviors since the daughter was a child.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358146.0

Daughter with diagnosed BPD and extremely abusive
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358033.0

Hello, and welcome  . I`m sorry to hear that you have gone through (and may be still going through) a difficult situation. We here on the forum can most certainly relate. I`m glad to hear that you have started therapy, and have taken control of your healing journey.


How have you been feeling? How has therapy been for you? What have you learned?

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, seekingtheway  .


It may take me a while to process this, this painful truth that hurts me because on my end I was so utterly devoted to him. I idealized him, what I imagined our life could be if only he `gave me the chance`. I made him into something he was not.


This makes me feel sad for him. That he is on one hand a person lost and looking for love, and yet on the other hand is unable to recognize it, and even sabotages it when it is given to him.

I`m sorry that you are going through a similar situation. You express yourself with such clarity and understanding (which helps me), which I know is only one piece of the puzzle, but it feels like a big one when it comes to coming to terms with these relationships we have found ourselves in.


This makes me ponder, and I will write my thoughts out (although maybe not in a logical order). First, it`s weird for me to not be blocked (which is a sad statement I know  ). Second, I myself have anxiety/ocd coming into play. I haven`t had enough therapy sessions to feel entirely settled yet, but I really hope that managing that aspect will allow for me to feel more peace. Third, I want to recognize that I have grown a lot and gained skills and have a softness to me that will one day make me a good partner to someone (and which already make me a good friend). I feel like after interacting with him, and having him dismiss me, my belief in myself was affected (which I don`t like!). It made me feel like if only I was a different way (more like his ex, less anxious, more firm, more self-assured) then maybe he`d recognize me. Even if it was true, why would I want to change myself for a relationship? If someone wants to be with someone who has blue hair, cool, I don`t have blue hair but that doesn`t take away from my value. I am soft and caring, doting and maternal, I am working on myself and I don`t need anyone`s approval.

A thought came to me that I think one of the reasons we may question what our children say is because we are open to honest and kind advice. But what we need to remember is that anything that is said that we need to do to be better people (such as counseling…) is said in anger. Something like a recommendation is said along with hate, judgement, and blame.

It hurts coming from someone so close to us that was loving and kind in the past and would only tell us something like this because they cared. But we must put it into proper perspective with the surrounding words and anger and blame, that it is not well-meaning. And this hurts, it hurts to see and realize how much they are hurting, but for our own sakes, we must come to this realization.