I read your "rant" -- which it really isn't -- a few times. You don't seem to be asking for a reaction or response, but I'm going to post anyway. Everything I'm writing is in good will to you, so I hope you take it that way.
You should reach out to a professional therapist if you haven't already. I realize you're between jobs and such, but there may be free services somewhere online or in your community.
I say this for two reasons:
First, you may be hurting more than you suggest even in the post, and I think talking to someone professional about it could help.
Second, you're only 25 and have had now had four children, including two with your wife with BPD. I think it's important to think not only of your own health and welfare in all this but also your children's. If this is a challenging time for you, it must be for them, as well. The difference is you're a young adult, with some life experience and understanding. They are not.
A lot of the rest sounds familiar -- the outbursts, the arguing, the triangulation with others to keep you isolated or off balance. None of that is unusual when involved with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.). The degree of severity, though, suggests she may well be comorbid with other issues. You suggest psychopathy (or similar), and if so, that would be important to discuss with a professional -- not for them to try to diagnose her from afar, which they won't, but for advice on how you might proceed if, indeed, they have additional issues. Her capacity for violence, for example, is a big red flag.
You don't say she's bisexual, but if I read correctly, she moved in and tried to start a relationship with the mother of your other children? Is that correct? You don't exactly seem fazed by this. I'm not trying to pry, but is that because you were aware of her sexual preferences? Are you and/or she involved in an alternative lifestyle?
Again, I'm not trying to pry nor judge. Sexuality between consenting adults is their business. But I'm wondering if there is a larger relationship dynamic than just you and her -- that is, you, her, and your ex or others. I say this because you say she hates both her children with you and your children with your ex (if I read your statement correctly).
That's a lot of baggage, and the dynamic is confusing since if she feels that way about the children, why would your ex allow her to move in with her? Who has custody of the children with that ex? There's something missing in the details that makes understanding that dynamic -- and how it might be affecting the children, in particular -- digestible.
At the same time, I don't know that it's unusual for someone with BPD to have or claim to have an attraction to both sexes. At various points, mine did. But she would waffle on this. For instance, at one time, she claimed she'd never been with another woman, but then at other times, she intimated she had. With someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.), it's not always clear when they are being honest versus saying what they think you want to hear -- or when they are falsely remembering something. Plus, it's been suggested, someone with BPD (etc.) may experience such intense fears of abandonment, they will use their sexuality regardless of sex or gender to get what they want.
I'll reiterate, I don't mean to be hung up on sexuality. But there's something missing here. She triangulates with your ex and family but then wants to move in with your ex, too. Is that all part of the triangulation or is it her BPD (etc.)? That part is quite fuzzy.
Regardless of whether or not all this is part of your lifestyle, I'd strongly recommend focusing on yourself and your children. That is, getting or staying healthy --including avoiding the toxicity with your wife, at least to the degree you can -- and on the health and welfare of your children. What happens now can have a profound impact on them for the rest of their lives. Whatever battled your wife is fighting should get your sympathy, but only to the degree you understand it's her battle. Your health and the health of your children is your responsibility. Good luck, and I mean that.
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