Hi there,
First, it's not your fault. Second, your son probably feels like he has to keep his distance from you--literally and figuratively--because his wife likely punishes him any time he shows someone else any attention whatsoever, even if the attention is on a close family member like a parent or child. Third, anything you say or text will set off your DIL when she's in a mood or stressed. Since she has little ones, she's likely stressed out all the time. For example, if you ask in your nicest voice possible, "How are you," she could consider that nosey, an interrogation, an accusation, like you're surveilling her or getting ready to judge her harshly. I know this because the pwBPD in my life will have a meltdown, purportedly over something as innocent and innocuous as that question. Why? It may be for any of the aforementioned reasons, or merely because inside, she's not well at all, and asking her how she's doing reminds her that she's feeling stressed, lonely, depressed, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, alienated, incompetent or whatever. She's overwhelmed by these negative thoughts, and her disordered thinking seeks to blame someone outside herself--namely YOU for having the gall to ask her a question. It's just too much for her to put on a smile, and answer you civilly, let alone keep the conversation going. Rather than be forced to lie with a creative response, and rather than tell the truth and unleash all her woes, she has a meltdown and attacks the person inquiring about her well-being. Thus the pwBPD in my life can't seem to handle any conversations about what's going on in her life (or what is going on with other family members) without a meltdown. It seems that the only topic she can handle is a discussion of her favorite TV shows. She is just too consumed by feeling inferior, insecure and jealous of other people's fun or accomplishments.
I could be doing a lot of mind reading here, but I can imagine how typical conversation topics could be a landmine:
How's the baby/when can I see the baby? That could indicate that all you care about is the baby, and not about your DIL. May we come for a visit? That's just too hard, she'd have to clean up and then face your harsh judgment; she might be obsessing over looking too fat. May I send the baby a gift? Cue jealousy (why aren't you sending the DIL a gift?).
I could go on, but my point is that BPD thinking tends to be very distorted, bordering on psychotic. When the pwBPD in my life is under stress, I can definitely see her delusional/psychotic tendencies, and it's almost formulaic: the more stress, the more psychotic (aka disconnected from reality) her thinking gets. Sancho mentioned a trauma-like, fight or flight response to ordinary interactions. I agree with that 100%.
I'm not sure what to advise, except to underscore that it's not your fault. You'll say one thing that is a compliment, and she'll take it the wrong way. That's not your fault, that's BPD. Maybe if you understand this, her behavior won't seem so perplexing. But it is nevertheless irrational, and typically self-destructive. Maybe you keep your distance from the DIL but try to support your son somehow, as he's likely bearing the full brunt of her behaviors. Now, your DIL will surely be jealous if your son is paying attention to anyone else. But maybe you give your son your moral support, and understanding, and remind him he's not alone, because I bet he feels alone right now, as his wife probably tries to isolate and control him. But I understand that doesn't take away the pain of feeling alienated from your son and grandson.
All my best to you.
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