LESSONS: Stop the Bleeding

[BPDFamily]

Stop the Bleeding  
 
A fire breaks out in your home. You stand before the flames.
 
“Should I get the fire extinguisher and fight it? Or should I grab my photo album and run?” You stand there - you can't decide. Not making a decision is a decision in and of itself. OK. Those who are "conflicted" face a similar, significant decision: Do I try to work with my SO and try to rebuild the relationship? Or do I move on and make a new life for myself?
 
The longer you wait - often - the worse it gets. Why? Because most likely your relationship is eroding - and who knows what that may bring. And most likely your psyche is eroding - you feel broken, hurt, trapped.
 
This guide is designed to help you sort it out. This may take time - and you don't want to be rushed - but you don't want to prolong it. It's wise to set a time table for yourself.
 
This isn't easy. Many of us are suffering from some level of depression that arises from long term relationship stress. This is not the blues (that's more of an anxiety). And this emotional weight affects our ability to think and see things clearly. A person with depression tends to see things worse than they really are.
 
Our goal is to provide you with the tools and knowledge to begin to make positive changes in your life.  Generally, the process is something like this:
 
1- Stop the Bleeding - Learn much needed tools and skills: communication skills, emotional validation, boundary setting.  This will help to calm the relationship strife. For more info <click here>
 
2- Take a step backward - Learn to let go of the drama and of who is right or wrong, let go of the hurt feelings, take yourself out of the fray.  This is something you do privately without involving your partner in order to quietly clear some space for you to think more objectively. For more info <click here>
 
3- Look in the mirror - Find out if you are depressed or stressed, or in anyway beaten down.  Start the healing process.  It is difficult to make clear headed analyses and decisions when depression is badly affecting our thinking.  We have a simple test you can take to help determine if you might be dealing with depression. For more info <click here>
 
4- Embrace the realities of BPD - Making a decision to stay in or leave a relationship with a person suspected of suffering from BPD (or with BPD traits) isn't easy. Working towards understanding how someone who suffers from BPD thinks, how they feel, and how they react, can help you begin to recognize that a lot of what happens is driven by the illness and not by you or your actions.  When you stop taking things personally, it helps to lessen your frustration and allows you to be more empathetic. For more info <click here>
 
5- Take inventory - Discuss with others the pro's and con's of staying and leaving (ie, finances, children, recovery, supporting a BPD loved one, etc).  Also consider the impact of making an inappropriate decision.  For example, it might be more conservative to work at it again with better knowledge, than to get a divorce and leave a child behind with a BPD mother.  It might be more appropriate to cut your losses if you're young and single with no kids and with less invested in the relationship. For more info <click here>
 
We're here to help!

[BPDFamily]

Step 1 - Stop the Bleeding
 
Objective: End the destructive, pointless, circular non-communication that you are having with your partner.  Learn how to not worsen your partner's dysregulation.
 
Use the proven communication techniques.  All of us are searching for the need to be heard and understood.  After food and shelter, the feeling of belonging and the desire to be accepted are some of the more basic of human needs.  
 
Connecting to the person with BPD (or with BPD traits) in your life is a powerful way to build trust and closeness, where before there was blame and distrust.  It is possible to stop your relationship from worsening, and it begins with learning a new way of listening and responding to our loved ones.
 
We all need to know how to ask for what we want.  There is a formula for improving our chances of getting what we ask for, if we can apply it properly.  Our attitude, tone of voice, and body language have a huge impact on how our message is heard.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed to help you stop worsening conflict and start improving communication, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge.  You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
VIDEO: Before you can make things better, you must stop making them worse!
We often find ourselves caught in a cycle of conflict with our BPD loved one.  Little good can happen when we are in this conflict dynamic.  Learn how to deal with it here.
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
 
PAMPHLET: Tools to reduce anger
BPD 102 - People affected by Borderline Personality Disorder are often hyper-sensitive and prone to conflict and excessive anger.  Learn how to communicate to sensitive people using "S.E.T.", a tool conceived by Jerold Kreissmen, MD.  Also learn how to break the Cycle of Conflict using a Dialectical Behavior Therapy tool conceived by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD.
  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: What are extinction bursts and intermittent reinforcement?
Often it will get worse before it gets better.  Why is that?  There is a real psychological phenomena that accounts for this, so learning to recognize how and why it happens can help you find the strength to withstand the increased resistance to change when it occurs.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0
 
TOOLS: Are you invalidating your partner?
"I was just trying to explain myself, but they wouldn't listen" is how most arguments keep going.  Each person is trying to be heard by the other, yet neither partner is truly listening. This pattern leads to those circular arguments which can last for hours, with nothing resolved, and which only create more hurt feelings and distance between you and your partner.  
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
 
TOOLS: Positive Reinforcement
 “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  A damaging lie is hidden in this timeworn chant.  The truth is words mold us, torment us and define us, especially those from whom we hold in high esteem. Positive communication is a tool to reinforce good behaviors and discourage bad behaviors; it builds self-esteem and inspires confidence.  Everyone needs to feel loved and accepted, and you can communicate those feelings by the way you speak.  Learn more.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0
 
TOOLS: Communication using validation
One of the most basic human needs is to feel heard and understood.  When you give that gift to someone, you are bringing the two of you closer together, and rebuilding the trust and respect that has been so damaged by all the previous fighting and harsh words.
 https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation
 
TOOLS: Communication with our BPDSO: The power of 3, and consistency/validation
Have you ever tried to validate your loved one, only to be told "you don't really mean that", or "stop using that stuff on me"?  What was your response?  Many have told me that they didn't know WHAT to say when challenged.  Here is a very powerful tool that may make a difference.
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation
 
TOOLS: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)
The idea behind all these tools is that a person with BPD (pwBPD) has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequacy soothed before they can listen.  The non-BP validates that the pwBPD's emotions are real feelings they are experiencing (not that they justified).  The non-BP then shifts the discussion on what the real issue is, and what can be done about it.  These tools put a lot of responsibility on the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy.  The assumption is that that non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations.   Learn these important skills.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
 
~~ These tools and skills won't cure your partner, but they will lessen the conflict and allow things to return to a calmer status. ~~
 
Questions:
 
* Are you willing to try some new ideas?
 
* Do you see how your previous responses (although done with the best of intentions) contributed to things going badly?
 
* Can you describe a time when you believe your loved one showed an extinction burst? What did he/she do and how did you respond? Would you respond differently now that you understand what is happening?
 
* If over 85% of our message comes from our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, what are you "saying" with nonverbal communication that reinforces or contradicts your words?
 
* Develop flash cards for the communication techniques and use them on friends, coworkers, and family first before trying them on a loved one who may be suffering from BPD.

[BPDFamily]

Step 2 - Take a step backward
 
Objective: Quietly clear a significant block of time and space so you can re-balance yourself, and think more clearly.
 
It's important to let go of the drama.  To let go of who is right or wrong, what's fair or unfair.  To let go of the resentment.   And to let go of the hurt feelings.  You can take yourself out of the fray without informing your partner, and quietly clear some space for you.  
 
How do you do this?  For now, admit that you are wrong if it will help, postpone things where you can, give up minor concessions, all in order to buy yourself this time and space.  Make no lifetime commitments, just take the path of least resistance in order to buy time for you to gather your strength.  Allow your partner to feel as if he or she has "won".  Sacrifice the battle, in order to win the overall war.  For now, you're probably not sure exactly what war that is, and this is why you need the time. Spend the time gained in quieting and centering yourself.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing ways to create some space for yourself without triggering your partner.  We've included real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge.  You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
VIDEO: Stop the cycle of conflict
She gives you "the look" and you are instantly on guard.  His sighs sets your teeth on edge.  You just know your partner is looking for an argument. You can feel it coming.  There are ways to break this cycle.  This short video has some great suggestions and ideas to help you.
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict
 
TOOLS: Radical acceptance for family members
Life sometimes sucks.  Many things just aren't fair.  We don't have to like it, but we "do" need to learn how to live with it.  Rather than spending your energy and time railing against the unfairness of life, learn how to spend that time on more productive things through acceptance.  Learn to stop fighting against the realities of life which you cannot change.[/size]
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0
 
US: Acceptance - the final stage of grieving
“I believe that living a life of forgiveness, attending to daily life from the inside out, is the most energy efficient and most productive way to live. I believe that self-forgiveness is essentially inseparable from self-respect and self-responsibility.” --Thomas Rutledge  For many, our lives have been on a detour for some time and we desire to get back into the mainstream of life and motor on down the road.  But before we hit the road, many of us need to free our self of the past.  Read more.  
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=72841.0
 
US: What it means to be in the "FOG"
In a relationship with a person with BPD, we often live lost in the "FOG" of fear, obligation, and guilt. These normal and useful emotions, in the right context, become dangerous tools of manipulation in the wrong hands. Identifying how these emotions are controlling us is a first step toward clearer thinking.[/size]
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
 
BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence
Setting Boundaries" is a life skill that has been recommended by therapists, self-help authors and support groups since the mid 1980's. It is the practice of openly communicating, asserting, and defending personal values. What does it really mean?
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
 
US: Do not allow others to "rent space" in your "head"
We give power to those who may not have our best interests to heart when we allow their voices and opinions to influence our own thoughts. Learn how to "kick undeserving tenants" out of your head.
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=74749.0
 
US: Dealing with ruminations
Our minds sometimes travel in well-worn, yet uncomfortable or even painful, grooves. Learn specific techniques to interrupt the rumination cycle.
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0
 
TOOLS: DBT for non borderlines - mindfulness
Mindfulness is a tool that gives us breathing room from our reactions and emotions. It builds strength and helps us cope. Learn more.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.10
  https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

TOOLS: Practicing mindfulness - how to do it
Mindfulness has tremendous benefits to our physical and mental health. It clears our minds and leaves us refreshed and calmer--mental space many of us desperately need given the chaos and emotional dysregulation that characterize the BPD relationships in our lives. This workshop provides simple explanations, exercises, and strategies for getting started with practicing mindfulness.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111031.0
 
Questions:
 
* Do you think you can take that one step back now in order to take two forward in the future?
 
* Has your anger really changed things for the better?
 
* Does your worry and anxiety keep you up at night?
 
* What are three things you could do starting tomorrow to reduce conflict in your relationship?
 
* What are three things you could do starting tomorrow to give yourself more peace and mental space?

[BPDFamily]

Step 3 - Look in the mirror
 
Objective: This is where you focus on your needs and learn how to care for yourself.
 
Did you know that partners of people with borderline personality disorder often suffer from low self-esteem?  They often exhibit narcissistic tendencies, display codependent tendencies, had very difficult parents, or entered into relationships at very vulnerable points in their life?
 
We say this not to make you feel bad but rather to raise an important matter: We are most likely wounded and contributing to our own difficulties now.  It may be a short-term wound acquired in the relationship, or one acquired in the recent years before the relationship, or it may be one that has plagued us since childhood.  We often miss this point because our partner's disorder may eclipse our own issues.  So we only see their problem.
 
It is very important that we stop and take a look in the mirror at ourselves
 
Below is a very well know test for depression--a good place to start--as well as other workshops and tools to encourage you in your self-evaluation and self-care.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing how we as non-BPs can improve our own mental health and level of well being, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge.  You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
Self evaluation: Are you depressed?
Here is a short test to help you assess that.  75% of the members of bpdfamily are experiencing some level of depression. This test was developed by Stanford University. How do you score?
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79772.0
 
TOOLS: Depression
We often don't realize that we are depressed.  Everything seems fine.  You may not be happy all the time, but you don't think you are one of those depressed people who runs around moping all the time.  You may not see that the years of being criticized and blamed have created a lot of self-doubt and a gnawing sense of hopelessness.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0
 
US: Respecting our anger
Where does our anger come from?  Is it OK to express it?  Why do I bottle up my anger until I explode?  These questions are explored and discussed by our members.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135831.0
 
US: Arguing - Don't pick it up
Since our partners know us best, it makes sense that they would know which buttons to push to cause us to blow up.  It feels like we are being pushed and pushed and pushed.  If feels like we have no control.  The reality though, is that we always have a choice in how we react.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107.0
 
US: Are you offering support or being an enabler?
When does our being supportive and helpful become destructive to both ourselves and our partners?  Isn't helping others a good thing?  Why isn't our help appreciated?
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0
 
US: Our dysfunctional relationships
While it may not seem like it, relationships develop patterns of behavior.  Each partner assumes a role that can shift and change depending on the situation and the timing.  These roles may feel uncomfortable and cause us pain, yet for some reason we continue playing out the same old dance patterns.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0
 
Questions:
 
* Are you feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of?
 
* Do you feel unable to do things for yourself?
 
* When was the last time you could relax and not worry about upsetting your loved one?
 
* What are you doing to improve your score on the Depression Self-Test?

[BPDFamily]

Step 4 - Embrace the realities of BPD
 
Objective: To understand more about this mental illness.
 
For a long time you've been living with this sense of uneasiness and uncertainty, never knowing when a good day or moment would go suddenly and horribly wrong.  That feeling of dread was a constant part of your life, and yet the blame for the problems were always cast onto you.  Our goal is to help you obtain the knowledge to understand the chaos you've been living in and to recognize the various phases and symptoms your loved one will exhibit.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing the symptoms and manifestations of this disorder, with real life stories and examples to help you gain valuable knowledge. You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
VIDEO and checklist of symptoms of BPD
Are you trying to determine if someone in your life may suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? This eight minute video is a good starting point. You will soon find out, however, that this is a complex question. There are no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying BPD requires having a working knowledge of the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in question... .See the video and the standard checklists.
  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm
 
BPD: What is it? How can I tell?
BPD 102 - The disorder is determined by evaluating lifelong behavior patterns. This workshop is about defining BPD and how to reasonably determine if someone in your life has significant traits of a personality disorder.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Poor executive control
At the core of BPD is rejection sensitivity and poor executive control.  Rejection sensitivity is easy to understand, while executive control is a bit more complex. Executive functions and cognitive control are terms used by psychologists and neuroscientists to describe a loosely defined collection of brain processes whose role is to guide thought and behavior in accordance with a person's goals or plans.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79702.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?
For a person with the disorder, as illogical as it may seem sometimes, there is reasoning behind the actions. The pwBPD is often not reacting to the situation at hand--to what's happening then and there and now--but to something that had happened in the past, or to a kind of ready-reference list of beliefs about the world, which was usually learned in childhood.  
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67059.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the Non-partner
We all know neediness is common with BPD... .Distrust of others' motives (especially if the pwBPD was sexually abused) lends a coloring to all personal interactions. Fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. Neediness and fear are all about what is happening to the person, and they leave little room for empathy or even awareness of anyone else's needs. Read more.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87006.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotional immaturity
Immature people often demand immediate gratification. They cannot wait. They may seem thoughtless and impulsive. They may be loyal only while you are useful. The emotional impulsiveness (lack of executive control) results in chaotic social and financial lives.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of intimacy
Is a fear of intimacy part of BPD? Fear of abandonment is so intense in pwBPD that they often can't bear to get too emotionally close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Depression and suicide ideation
Serious depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in two situations--sudden severe loss and long-term high stress levels. Depression is not necessarily about sadness... .it's about faulty, defeated thinking.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way, to someone else.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting
Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.  Some degree of splitting is an expected part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?"
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0
 
BPD BEHAVIORS: Dissociation and dysphoria
Dissociation is a psychological state or condition in which certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, or memories are separated from the rest of a persons psyche. This is sometimes referred to as "splitting."  Read more.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68392.0
 
BPD: Treatments and cures
Recent consensus seems to suggest that behavior modification training is most effective with people affected by BPD.  Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), or one promising offshoot, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the method most heavily evaluated in population studies.  There is also several others--Transference (a preferred method at Columbia Presbyterian in NYC, for example) and the newer Schema and Mentalization therapies that are being evaluated. Learn about these methods.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76487.0
 
NIMH-funded neuroscience research is revealing brain mechanisms underlying the impulsivity, mood instability, aggression, anger, and negative emotion seen in BPD. Studies suggest that people predisposed to impulsive aggression have impaired regulation of the neural circuits that modulate emotion. Within the past 15 years, a new psychosocial treatment termed dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was developed specifically to treat BPD, and this technique has looked promising in treatment studies. Pharmacological treatments are often prescribed based on specific target symptoms shown by the individual patient. Antidepressant drugs and mood stabilizers may be helpful for depressed and/or labile mood. Antipsychotic drugs may also be used when there are distortions in thinking. Read more.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=141634
 
Questions:
 
* Do you recognize any of these symptoms?
 
* How have these impacted your life?
 
* Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?

[BPDFamily]

Step 5 - Take inventory
 
Objective: To understand our conflicting priorities and/or fear which make us undecided.
 
Making a decision to stay in or leave a relationship with a person suspected of suffering from BPD (or with BPD traits) is a often a difficult decision.  If it were not, we wouldn't be "undecided."  Conflicting priorities, conflicting emotions, and/or fear are most often the cause of our indecision.  Often we feel trapped by our own inability to make a hard decision and stick with it.  Making this decision is not about seeing into the future in order to select the best possible outcome.  It is about understanding who we are and what is important to us, so that our decision can account for what we can realistically do, what changes we need to make in order to get where we want, and what will likely be involved should we decide to stay or leave.
 
Directions: Read through the following workshops we've developed discussing issues that come up when we make the important decision to stay or leave.  You may recognize your life in the stories and tales of others.
 
Do I stay? The Do's and Don'ts of a BPD relationship
It takes a great deal of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in severe decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.  Other important points are discussed: Realistic Expectations; Accepting the Role of "Emotional Caretaker"; Protection; Preserve Your Emotional Health; Understanding Your Motivations.  
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0
 
ARTICLE: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Relationships are learned behaviors. Without good models in our families, we have to learn elsewhere for what to strive. This article describes the key features of healthy partner relationships, such as respect, trust and support, and honesty and accountability. Most of these characteristics apply to all close relationships, including those with parents, siblings, in-laws, and children.  
  https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm
 
TOOLS: "Getting" someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment
If my partner would just pursue treatment, I would stay... .It seems logical, but it's important to realize that one cannot control another person's decision to see a therapist or get into treatment. Treatment may be a requirement for us to consider remaining in the relationship. The person with BPD may have other feelings and resent what he or she perceives as an effort to "control." There are 4 techniques that come from motivational interviewing that may help bridge this gap: Express Empathy; Develop Discrepancy; Roll with Resistance; Support Self-Efficacy.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0
 
WORKSHOP: Staying/leaving for the kids?
Kids are a common and very important factor in our evaluation to stay or leave the relationship.  This workshop discusses many of the pros and cons in determining our commitment to the relationship and the effects our decision may have on the children.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61666.0
 
WORKSHOP: Problematic mothering/parenting
Awareness of how BPD affects parenting--sometimes in subtle but important ways--is needed to understand how a decision to stay or go may impact the whole family.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0
 
TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?
In order to weigh the impact of staying or leaving on children, we need to understand the risks. This workshop outlines the types of risks to children with a BPD parent and provides guidance for how and when to help.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.0
 
US: Abusive relationships - are you in one? (for women)
What is an abusive relationship? Are you in one? Getting a clear sense of what constitutes abuse can help you make better choices. This workshop discusses what abuse is and what you can do about it in general, and is specifically for women.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0
 
US: Abusive relationships - are you in one? (for men)
What is an abusive relationship? Are you in one? Getting a clear sense of what constitutes abuse can help you make better choices. This workshop discusses what abuse is and what you can do about it in general, and is especially for men.
  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0
 
Questions:
 
* What are the key factors that you must evaluate in your decision to stay or go (including considerations such as your well-being, your partner's well-being, your goals for an intimate relationship, your children's well-being, finances, housing, and so on)?
 
* If you or your children are at risk, what actions can you take to increase your safety?
 
* Identify one or more people with whom you can safely discuss your decision making process.