I saved her life. Again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

She swallowed about 30 antidepressants. I took her to hospital; spent two days with her taking care of her; her parents hates her. She's clean and wanted to go to a mental hospital. But she ran away from the hospital now. I think she is going out drinking with her ex.

Everytime I am even more convinced she is a severe case of BPD; they just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die. If I didn't help her, she was going to die, for sure.

[Koro]

She swallowed about 30 antidepressants. I took her to hospital; spent two days with her taking care of her; her parents hates her. She's clean and wanted to go to a mental hospital. But she ran away from the hospital now. I think she is going out drinking with her ex.

Everytime I am even more convinced she is a severe case of BPD; they just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die. If I didn't help her, she was going to die, for sure.

[JustWondering]

How did you find out she had taken the anti-depressants?

[2010]

they just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die. If I didn't help her, she was going to die, for sure.

Her parents hate her? I doubt it.  She's clean? I doubt it. She really wanted serious help at an institution? I doubt it. She ran away and is drinking with an ex? That I DO NOT doubt. That's one way of turning her back on you and keeping you on a leash, worried.

She'll be back. You'll be waiting. "They just repeat the same mistakes over and over again." Yep, you said it. Now who is they?

Repeat after me. "I just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die but if I didn't help myself to get out of this nightmare, I am going to die, for sure."

Take care of yourself.

[GCD145]

Shiro-

Every time you help her you make both you and her sicker.

PLEASE find a way to get help for yourself.

GCD145

[Colombian Chick]

they just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die. If I didn't help her, she was going to die, for sure.

Her parents hate her? I doubt it.  She's clean? I doubt it. She really wanted serious help at an institution? I doubt it. She ran away and is drinking with an ex? That I DO NOT doubt. That's one way of turning her back on you and keeping you on a leash, worried.

She'll be back. You'll be waiting. "They just repeat the same mistakes over and over again." Yep, you said it. Now who is they?

Repeat after me. "I just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die but if I didn't help myself to get out of this nightmare, I am going to die, for sure."

Take care of yourself.

Shiro,

you really need to get help, she's obviously not the only one who's got issues.

2010 I agree with you!

[weary]

HI Shiro,

That stuff is pretty awful, isn't it? Feeling as though you are the only one that can get her help when she attempts suicide.

Yes, 30 antidepressants can  kill a person, for sure. It's called serotonin syndrome.

Here is what I have done, with my husband who I am legally separated from. I told him, every time you indicate suicide, do something stupid that looks suicidal, etc, I will call the police.

I have. (well not the first times, I caved... .this is what I learned after I caved in. Because I didn't know what to do. A counselor gave me this advice, and I stuck to it, and have stuck to it each and every time.)

He gets angry, but, it stops the behaviour for awhile.

Sometimes, the police haven't acted when they needed to... .ie. take him in. Now they know.

Finally they did take him in, and they (the county) committed him.

The rest of the story is not so neat and clean, but the basic premise is, I will not molly coddle him or succumb to his threats. I tell him I am not a qualified professional, and when you make suicidal statements or gestures I will call the police each and every time.

Suicide is serious. Each and every gesture and call for help should be responded to. But it shouldn't be what they want, your attention, it should be the professional help they require. I sat down and told him during a quiet moment several years ago, I will call the police each and every time you make a suicide threat or gesture. Period.

That has kept the gestures down a bit. And he knows I mean what I say.

Good luck with all of that.

I'd get out while you can.

She has had her medical care, you can't fix her. You don't have control  over how her family feels about her.

If she's with some boyfriend, then all the better for you, to have someone else deal with her.

I was married to someone with this disorder, and probably other disorderes for 28 years. I am a wreck.

My physical health due to stress is ruined.

I have 3 beautiful adult children with divorced parents. or legally separated. Basically the same thing.

I am not in denial, I am sure that my children, although very good kids, adults, have residual issues. I know I do.

She has given you an out. She has some sort of boyfriend. Take that gift and run.

Find out why you are in a relationship like that to begin with, and work on that. So that you can have a normal and happy relationship and family in the future.

weary

[2010]

I would like to add that I sense that your ex's ability to alarm and to draw out protective impulses in men is remarkable.  Her insistence that your influence keeps her alive is very seductive, I'm sure.  Her approach in seduction is, however, through pity.  I'm certain she uses the ex- in this manner as well.

According to Martha Stout, "The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness." "It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathies." 

Shiro- I hope you take Weary's post to heart. Many of us have gone through what you are going through now. It's never easy. Call 911 at every mention of suicide- but you must get away. As Weary says, She has another relationship of some sort. Take that gift and run.

[JoannaK]

Whether or not she lives is not in your hands.  Yes, you do have an obligaiton to get medical and legal authorities involved when she does something self-destructive that you know about.  That's an act of human kindness.  But that doesn't mean that you stick with her for two days and nights.  If she is in the hospital, she is getting care.  They are "keeping her alive", not you.  If you are saying that you took her to the hospital and then you stayed with her two days at home, there is a good chance that they wouldn't have let her leave the hospital if you had not been with her... You may have kept her from getting better treatment at the hospital.  Did you insist that the hospital hold her for a suicide watch after you brought her in?  Did the ER realize that the overdose on meds was a suicide attempt?  If so, I don't know why they didn't hold her.   

But our tendency to rescue often keeps the person with BPD from getting the help that they actually need.

[Koro]

As for now, her insults, splitting and impulsiveness are WAY out of control. Yesterday was a quick post; let me elaborate.

She went out from the mental hospital about 3 days ago because she attempted suicide by taking pills. Over there, in her hospital, she would talk about our relationship, but of course, she wouldn't tell of all the horrible things she says and do because she would look bad an evil; so the consequence is that I look like an evil monster, because she is in the mental hospital, always crying, have an intense unstable relationship, starts crying her eyes out, wanting her suffering to end, but she doesn't say out loud the truth:

"Hey doc, we are having problems in the relationship, because, even though I abused him silly since the beginning of our relationship, I'm going out with my ex anytime I want now since January 2010, whom I kissed, whom he doesn't like one bit and gets me stupidly drunk everytime; and everytime my boyfriend nurse me back to health or take care of me, and treat me perfectly like the imperfect gentlemen he is, I just create some kind of tension or situation, just to find an excuse for being angry and go out with my ex, because I just get anxious and want to go out and have a drink or two; but then the next day I just come crying to my boyfriend to see if he takes me back again, he always play hard to get, but I always manage to get him one way or another; but sometimes I have to CRY so hard, and he wouldn't take me back or would ignore my calls, that I end up wither going out with my ex or threatening my Shiro to have sex with my ex or date other men, or just trying to kill me because I love him and can't live without him; I'm just an impulsive, dumb BPD I guess. "

She just says: I just get anxious and want to go out and have a drink or two; but then the next day I just come crying to my boyfriend to see if he takes me back again, he always play hard to get, but I always manage to get him one way or another; but sometimes I have to CRY so hard, and he wouldn't take me back or would ignore my calls, that I end up wither going out with my ex or threatening my Shiro to have sex with my ex or date other men, or just trying to kill me because I love him and can't live without him; I'm just an impulsive, dumb BPD I guess. "

Also, she would obviate all the great things I have done for her and the way she have payed me back. So, what the Therapists and docs said?  That she suffers from DEPENDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER and ESTOCOLM SYNDROME; that I am (yes, they haven't even TALKED to me) an pwANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER for making her cry like that and not caring about her feelings and that she should just do whatever she can to get over me. So, they basically said: "you going out with yor ex is the way ur trying to cope up with this BAD person and BAD relationship, so you want to get out, but can't" when the reality of things is that she provoked this whole mess to begin with; and I am behaving in ways no one else would to keep her happy and pleased.

3 days ago: So, she went out of the mental hospital, convinced I am the problem, but after a talk she admits she is wrong and she is not being honest as she doesn't want to be labeled as a horrible person. She says she want to go out to have drinks with me (Cancel a date with her ex); I took her, her depressive drinking state kicked in, mixed with her meds from the hospital; she insulted me (told me I was boring and not as cool and great as her ex), I drove her home, she told me she was going to call her ex; I said "have fun" so, when she calls me about 30 minutes later (her ex refused to take her out; he was sleeping) she asked me what was I doing; I told her I was busy; she assumed I was having sex with someone else, and abandoning her (WTH?) so she swallowed about 35-40 pills.  

Her mom literally would say to her, in my face "if she wants to die, let her die! stupid idiot swallowing pills again." It was matter of time before she died. So, I took her from the hospital, and as Johanak said, they wouldn't let me go, because it was a suicide attempt and since her family doesn;t care, no one came to help her and nurse her back to health.

So, I spent lot of money in food and stuff like that; when the ambulance was about to take her to the mental hospital again, she just split; told me I was a bad person and didn't want me being with her because I asked some questions about her ex. So, I asked her 3 times "you sure u want me to leave?" I knew she didn't want me to, but she insisted on that, so I went out. Then, she ran away and found her way to me. I told her "enough; find ur way home; Im tired of ur f^ckedupness" and went to my house and left her there. So, instead of going to a mental hospital again, which she desperatedly need, she went out with her cousin to have drinks.

Her cousin (a friend of friend) also said I was an pwAPD (of course, she wouldn't say the bad things he does, she only would say "letft me at the hospital sidewalk!" but wouldn't explain why; convenient, right?) and that I was toxic, and blahblah; so she CALL me and tell me tht "I don't love you anymore (in the hospital she told me dozens of times how much she loved me); I want to be with someone else; but I won't say who. Please don't call me again." I say "Sure. I tried my best. Have a nice life."

End of story; that's one day in my life now, since January. A day in my life with a BPD is not composed of 24 hours; but complete weekends of intensity and weeks of devastation.

[GCD145]

Shiro-

At this point, YOU are the problem in your relationship.  Despite any and all suggestions to do otherwise, YOU keep repeating the patterns that are keeping you trapped.

I have written this to you before: you need to find a way to get in to therapy.  You need to stop making excuses for why you can't do so, and DO IT ALREADY.  If it takes all your money, SPEND IT. 

You are not helping the girl. As just one example of a very concrete action that was unhelpful: you took her drinking when she was already on medication, triggering or contributing to her bad behavior.

Everything you do is in fact hurting her.  You are enabling her to keep going under circumstances that offer no chance of improvement.

It is also hurting you.

How do YOU see this going?  Where do you think it will end?  Do you see anything changing if you don't seek treatment?

GCD145

[Koro]

Shiro-

At this point, YOU are the problem in your relationship.  Despite any and all suggestions to do otherwise, YOU keep repeating the patterns that are keeping you trapped.

I have written this to you before: you need to find a way to get in to therapy.  You need to stop making excuses for why you can't do so, and DO IT ALREADY.  If it takes all your money, SPEND IT. 

You are not helping the girl. As just one example of a very concrete action that was unhelpful: you took her drinking when she was already on medication, triggering or contributing to her bad behavior.

Everything you do is in fact hurting her.  You are enabling her to keep going under circumstances that offer no chance of improvement.

It is also hurting you.

How do YOU see this going?  Where do you think it will end?  Do you see anything changing if you don't seek treatment?

GCD145

I don't agree I am the problem in the relationship and that I am hurting her; I'm really not; she's doing this all to herself. But we both are enabling each other to keep going under circumstances that offer no chance of improvement, you are absolutely right; and since I'm the non here, I guess I have to be the better man and walk out.  But of course, I am not being helpful. I don't see anything changing (in the relationship), irrespective if I seek treatment or not. And I see this is getting worse and worse. she will probably call again; she always does (would help if she didn't though)

And you know what, I'm trying my best to find a good T and when I do, I will even PM you so you know about it!

[Koro]

Repeat after me. "I just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Still, I wouldn't let her die but if I didn't help myself to get out of this nightmare, I am going to die, for sure."

Take care of yourself.

Right.

Whether or not she lives is not in your hands.  Yes, you do have an obligaiton to get medical and legal authorities involved when she does something self-destructive that you know about.  That's an act of human kindness.  But that doesn't mean that you stick with her for two days and nights.  If she is in the hospital, she is getting care.  They are "keeping her alive", not you.  If you are saying that you took her to the hospital and then you stayed with her two days at home, there is a good chance that they wouldn't have let her leave the hospital if you had not been with her... You may have kept her from getting better treatment at the hospital.  Did you insist that the hospital hold her for a suicide watch after you brought her in?  Did the ER realize that the overdose on meds was a suicide attempt?  If so, I don't know why they didn't hold her.   

But our tendency to rescue often keeps the person with BPD from getting the help that they actually need.

They wouldn't let me and I tried talking them out so I could go home (I could walk away and they wouldn't stop me though; like I did in the end) I said that she was suicidal, and tried to kill herself; beats my as of why she wasn't strapped or something like that. Also beats me as of why they didn't stop her!

[GCD145]

I don't agree I am the problem in the relationship and that I am hurting her; I'm really not; she's doing this all to herself. But we both are enabling each other to keep going under circumstances that offer no chance of improvement, you are absolutely right; and since I'm the non here, I guess I have to be the better man and walk out.  But of course, I am not being helpful. I don't see anything changing (in the relationship), irrespective if I seek treatment or not. And I see this is getting worse and worse. she will probably call again; she always does (would help if she didn't though)

And you know what, I'm trying my best to find a good T and when I do, I will even PM you so you know about it! [/quote]
I know she's the problem, but by intervening, you're enabling her to keep going in this dysfunctional way.  Ask yourself this: what would she do without you? 

Anyway, good luck in your search for a T.  I'll look forward to your PM!

GCD145

[KMTTP]

I didn't read the other posts... .just the first entry.  So if I missed something, I apologize... .     Honestly... .you need to stop with the I am her hero crap.  Just call mental hygiene serves or the ambulance.  I think they can handle 'saving' her life.  Just get help for yourself and stop making excuses for staying 'engaged' with her.  Sorry to be so blunt... .but it's almost like we have to be on here. Some people are just so in deep... .and they need a lfesaver to pull them out.  You are included in this... .good luck to you.

[Runningasfastasican]

Shiro, if you keep going back and rescuing her, this cycle is always going to repeat itself and will never end, you really do not sound like you want that... .I played out this cycle with my soon to be ex... .and for me eventually I got to the point... .that I realised this... .the answer is an option that has already been mentioned on this board, anytime she ODs, call the police or an ambulence to care for her, they can do far more for her medically than you can, and can get her hospitalised if need be, so you can actually save her with a phone call, and if all her behavior is is a control on you, then, calling emergency services on her is a way for you to honestly keep your conscience clear that you are helping her, and keeps you at arms length and protected from her... .After my exBPD and I split... .she was always calling me to come save her... .each time I would offer to contact emergency services and to send them to her, she always refused, and I would let her know that while I hoped that she got better, and emergeny services were just a phone call away should she need help... .and that I would always be willing to call them for her should she request it, or that she could call them as well for help... .now it has been a good while since she has called me to come "save" her... .I hope this helps... .

[SoMuchPain]

this entire post has convinced me that i will not, under any circumstances, rescue my ex when rock-bottom inevitably hits. 

this entire post has made me grateful for my terribly boring life where my phone never rings and i just sleep and go to work when i have to. 

[Koro]

this entire post has convinced me that i will not, under any circumstances, rescue my ex when rock-bottom inevitably hits. 

this entire post has made me grateful for my terribly boring life where my phone never rings and i just sleep and go to work when i have to. 

This intensity is so uncalled for. Glad I could be of any help.

[theridler]

This may sound a little harsh, and apologies if it does, but:

She's sticking the pills down her throat, not you.  Most of the time, pwBPD are parasuicidal, so the intention is not to die, but to get the effects of a suicide attempt (attention, being resued, entrenching their victim role).  Chances are, if you don't come running, she'll find herself someone else to rescue her.  If she gave the slightest hit_ about you, she wouldn't do this to you.  If she values herself so little that she'd put herself at that much risk just to manipulate you, there's nothing you can do about it. 

[JustWondering]

This may sound a little harsh, and apologies if it does, but:

She's sticking the pills down her throat, not you.  Most of the time, pwBPD are parasuicidal, so the intention is not to die, but to get the effects of a suicide attempt (attention, being resued, entrenching their victim role).  Chances are, if you don't come running, she'll find herself someone else to rescue her.  If she gave the slightest hit_ about you, she wouldn't do this to you.  If she values herself so little that she'd put herself at that much risk just to manipulate you, there's nothing you can do about it. 

What he said.