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Author Topic: How many would take their ex back if they agreed to therapy?  (Read 5400 times)
Valentine09
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« on: March 08, 2010, 12:47:30 PM »

In the very rare event your exBP were to come to you and say I want help and will go to therapy, how many of you would consider taking them back on a romantic level?  

I really can't see ever dating my exgf again after everything that's happened.  I gave her multiple chances to get help and change her behavior.  I might consider being friends if she got some therapy and was in it a while, but even that's a long shot now and I don't expect to talk to her again.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2010, 12:51:19 PM »

I know this would never happen. And in any event, if they were really well and not behaving like a tool and not cheating etc, what the hell would I do with myself. We'd both have to go to therapy apart and together.

I would like to say no, even if she agreed to go to therapy and sort herself out then, knowing what I've seen of her from the past it wouldn't be a real offer.

If she had spent two years IN therapy, could apologise for what she had done, could show me worked examples (like at school!) of what had happened and why she treated me in a certain way then yes I would then consider it but I have to say, in two years time I plan on being hooked up with a new woman.
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GCD145
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2010, 12:58:17 PM »

From what I've read over on "staying", just saying they'll go to therapy shouldn't be enough.  They actually have to commit to it and make progress.  Most people over there suggest waiting at least 6 months to a year to see if they're committed to getting better.

In my case, I'm out and I ain't going back.  Getting this far almost killed me.

GCD145
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« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2010, 01:32:31 PM »

Wow. Tough question. One I deal with daily. It's difficult because we have three children. With no children the answer is pretty easy to me- no. Because of the children I would at least consider it, would want to be fully engaged in the process, and would need to see marked but realistic improvement. But, like someone else said, it ain't gonna' happen. I probably have a better chance at winning the lottery than her getting DBT. She is in therapy but its CBT and isn't really doing her a lick of good.
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Want2know
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2010, 01:47:41 PM »

If she had spent two years IN therapy, could apologise for what she had done, could show me worked examples (like at school!) of what had happened and why she treated me in a certain way then yes I would then consider it but I have to say, in two years time I plan on being hooked up with a new woman.

I like the ending to your "story"... .you'll be with a new woman instead of waiting around for her to work on herself.  That's how I see myself (well, with a new man, but certainly not for a while).  I had hopes that he would enter therapy and work towards being a more normal human being, but with everything that's happened recently, I've given up hope on that one.
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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2010, 01:48:00 PM »

How would you qualify this? Would you expect daily progress reports? Would you test the therapy to see if you could trigger a response? Would you report back to friends and family that you had seen "a change?"

No. This is enmeshment. It is Collusion. It is Malignant Optimism. It is distracting to your own journey.

Speaking of your own journey- how would you like it if someone said to you- I will take you back if you go to therapy.

Wouldn't you feel like that was a loaded gun at your back with someone else determining your worth?
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« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2010, 02:05:25 PM »

Not in 123,876,987,654,675,897,678,675 years !



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unknown
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« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2010, 02:38:56 PM »

dont fall for it. its a manipulative ploy. if she was really into the idea of getting better, she would go and get therepy on her own, instead of just doing it to keep you. its just contradicting the whole point of going to therepy if shes in a relationship. she would probally start splititng you then quit therepy to because shed know its get you angry.
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2010, 02:39:04 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .
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GCD145
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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 02:40:59 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .

You OK, sdt?  Sounds like you're feeling kinda low.

GCD145
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2010, 02:58:42 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .

? ARE YOU OK?

So you will allow mental torture for an I Love You? Mmmmm something is just not adding up.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2010, 02:59:42 PM »

How would you qualify this? Would you expect daily progress reports? Would you test the therapy to see if you could trigger a response? Would you report back to friends and family that you had seen "a change?"

No. This is enmeshment. It is Collusion. It is Malignant Optimism. It is distracting to your own journey.

Speaking of your own journey- how would you like it if someone said to you- I will take you back if you go to therapy.

Wouldn't you feel like that was a loaded gun at your back with someone else determining your worth?

THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH GREAT ADVISE.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2010, 03:08:02 PM »

dont fall for it. its a manipulative ploy. if she was really into the idea of getting better, she would go and get therepy on her own, instead of just doing it to keep you. its just contradicting the whole point of going to therepy if shes in a relationship. she would probally start splititng you then quit therepy to because shed know its get you angry.

Yup, Agree 100%.  This is how MINE re-engages.  Has been throwing the "maybe I should get counseling" thing at me. He doesn't want me back, he just wants to suck me back in so he can reject me again. AND stall the divorce stuff so he won't have to pay child support.  And he's worried about losing his job (I've always been the big income earner) and might need help.  So he's tossing counseling out there. Complete manipulation, or attempt at manipulation.

I think manipulation is a two way street.  You have to allow yourself to be manipulated, right?  So if we stand tough, it doesn't work, then it's just another sad attempt.

Don't fall for it.  I like that advice.

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Backtome09
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« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2010, 03:24:35 PM »

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.
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kly
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« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2010, 03:24:46 PM »

I think the person with BPD needs to seek therapy, not agree to it.  There may be some cases (ie: married couples or LTR with children) where the person "agrees" to therapy in order to save the family and with that motivation it works out.

But, in general, I think the BP needs to a) recognize for herself or himself that help is needed and b) seek it and c) stay committed for, and this is the important part, d) hisSELF or herSELF--not for anyone else or to salvage a relationship.

Remember, BPs have a fragile sense of identity.  The person he or she presents to his or her partner isn't the "real them."  They don't know who the "real" them is, or they've suppressed their own interests in favor of their partner in order to please that person (or appear pleasing to that person.)

Before the pwBPD can be in a relationship, he or she has to get patched back together.  That person will likely be completely unrecognizable to his or her expartners (that happens already--everytime they move on to new partners they assume new personas or interests), and quite possibly will have nothing in common with their exes.

In addition, isn't a big part of the BPD allure idealization?  They slavish love and attention and adoration on the non.  Yeah, that feels good for a while, but the flip side is the other extreme.  I think a healthy relationship is more about sharing and less about being idealized. 

So once the pwBPD has successfully entered recovery, he or she will be different. 
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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2010, 03:25:02 PM »

My ex had shown me many many times over and over again that she NEVER finished anything she started. Even for simeplt things. So why would she start now ? This, therapy, would be a major undertaking that i'm sure would be dropped soon after it started.  

I'm sure yours is similar.

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Beast98
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« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2010, 03:42:43 PM »

I told ex that I'd take her back 6 months into DBT, and only if she allowed me to monitor her progress with her T.

So no. It's never gonna happen.   ;p
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« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2010, 04:00:41 PM »

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.

I'm surprised at myself, but I'd have to agree with this when it gets right down to it.  Sure I've thought about it, I love him, it sounds good, but there is zero trust there now.  I wouldn't believe he was really doing it for himself.  I actually wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at this point.  Like another poster said, he would have to "seek" it on his own, not just agree to it.  Even then I'd have my doubts.  :)on't see it happening, it's too easy for him to move on and continue the illusion.


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MxMan
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« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2010, 04:08:54 PM »

I wouldnt. Its not the kind of relationship I prefer to have again. & rekindling the relationship would require far more than just therapy on her behalf. It would require BOTH of us changing behaviors that I'm not certain can be entirely changed. I have a close friend who was in a very similar relationship (not BPD but similar issues) and he recently spent time with that ex. he noted how easy it was for himself to fall back into the same old roles and routines, like putting on a pair of comfortable old sneakers. knowing everything he knew after the fact, he still fell back into the same patterns during that visit. I think my ex and I would very likely do the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if both of us did the necessary work on ourselves, the old dynamic would be too easy to fall back into. And I'd also guess that if we were both healthier emotionally we wouldnt have been in a relationship to begin with.
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eholland

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« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2010, 04:23:22 PM »

I think i will not... One simple reason. If i go back to her i think the need for therapy declines. You make her or him feel beter so why would they need therapy, if they feel better... .
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« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2010, 04:26:23 PM »

This thread has made me think. I would have to say a big NO. My trust has been burnt way too much. To be honest I think my exBPDbf is too far gone.

Butterfly
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GCD145
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« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2010, 04:27:16 PM »

I wouldnt. Its not the kind of relationship I prefer to have again. & rekindling the relationship would require far more than just therapy on her behalf. It would require BOTH of us changing behaviors that I'm not certain can be entirely changed. I have a close friend who was in a very similar relationship (not BPD but similar issues) and he recently spent time with that ex. he noted how easy it was for himself to fall back into the same old roles and routines, like putting on a pair of comfortable old sneakers. knowing everything he knew after the fact, he still fell back into the same patterns during that visit. I think my ex and I would very likely do the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if both of us did the necessary work on ourselves, the old dynamic would be too easy to fall back into. And I'd also guess that if we were both healthier emotionally we wouldnt have been in a relationship to begin with.

This was exactly why I pulled the plug on my marriage. When she cut off all contact with me during her hospitalization, I realized that I had been enabling her for a decade, and that I was at that point as screwed up as she was, although in a different way.  We BOTH would have to make major changes, and the chances of that happening while we were together were close enough to zero so as to be impossible.

GCD145

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« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2010, 04:37:25 PM »

I've run this question through my head a time or 10.

Excerpt
I like the ending to your "story"... .you'll be with a new woman instead of waiting around for her to work on herself.

I like this, Want2Know. uBPDxgf did a terrific job of saying to me that she needed space to work on herself; that she understood it wasn't fair for me to "wait"; that she didn't know when she would be "better" but by golly she was "working on it". I'm not sure if she even knows what she was/is working on.

2010, great post.

At the end of the day, if they truly have BPD, it's best to just accept it (with all of the pain) and move on. There is little to no hope. It typically takes years of intense devotion to DBT from what I understand, and that's a long time for bad, bad Leroy Brown to be waiting.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.

Amen. In my case, she wanted to try to treat me like a dog waiting outside a store for the owner... .

"Wait here Leroy until I get back and am all ready to go and play. Just be patient, don't follow me, and don't ask questions. I will probably let a lot of the other dogs play with me, but that's my business, sweety. I don't know when I'll be back, but I LOVE YOU!"

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Catch you on the flip, sister.

As Ridler said on here once, "Leave your hope at the door with BPD". It's true. Painful but true. Much like GCD and the rest of you, I've fought tooth and nail to get here (today marks 16 weeks of N.C.) and don't want a tantrum throwing child with an inferiority complex in an adult's body who treats her vagina (and mouth) like the Dairy Queen drive-thru, holding me back from beautiful life I have before me.

In solidarity,

LB
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kevmo1967
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« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2010, 04:48:50 PM »

HELL NO! mine was IN therapy when she left me. Granted, it was therapy for Bi-polar depression, but she was still being treated by a psychiatrist and a therapist. despite that she still managed to have a self destructive downward spiral(marital infidelity, job loss, suicidal thoughts causing hospitalization) that ended our marriage. also despite being diagnosed as BPD when she spent 2 weeks in the hospital ,she now backtracks on that and says it was bi polar depression along with some BPD behaviors. ummm    if a disorder is defined by behaviors, and you exibit those behaviors, doesn't that mean you HAVE the disorder? ?
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C12P21
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« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2010, 05:06:39 PM »

My exBPDh did go to therapy and couples counseling to "save" the relationship. During this time he was dating, on porn sites, and picking up prostititutes. I found this out one day while working on a project at his home. I am so thankful I did not have intimate contact with him. I confronted him and ended the marriage counseling and shelled out a lot of $$ to end the marriage.

My point is this: they need to decide for themselves that change is needed and warranted. Once that occurs, it is up to them to change. I decided to not wait and it was hard, as he continued for years to re-engagement me in but I was done. Once he realized this, he became very spiteful and abusive. He quit therapy and is a mess.

After being out of marriage for four years, I dated again, only this time with a NPD person, this guy was a dream come true with a difficult ending of our relationship. I miss him but now know, I would never take him back. Do I hope he gets professional help, yes, I do. But our relationship is in the past, I am moving on. It hurts to know this but it is in my best interest. As much as I miss this man I could never trust him again, it is that simple. And I know I cannot wait around.

During the first few months of agony, I prayed he would get help. I still do but no longer for my needs, for his.

I think the best we can do is heal ourselves and with compassion detach and wish them well. To remain in hope for their change is to remain chained and stuck in the relationship-even if it is only in our hearts and heads and not in the present with them.

I know I have changed from this experience, I am not the same trusting person. I am learning to be assertive. The kind of person I have morphed into would not appeal to him, I can no longer be manipulated. As far as that desire of what once was, well I think of it along these terms... .

When I was young I rode a bike that had ten speeds. It was the best kind of bike at the time, I yearned for it, loved to ride it, and was crushed when I crashed and the bike was ruined. As much as I love the memories of that bike, if I were in the market for another bike, it certainly wouldn't be the outdated model of the bike I remember. I would buy something more suitable for the terrain today and my fitness level.

I suspect the same for my exNPDbf, if he ever got help, changed, and looked for a relationship he would probably shop for something different.

We were together for a reason, he fulfilled my need to feel "special" to someone. I am now working on that need to fill it for me, I would no longer desire him as I knew him. I don't need anyone other than my Mother to tell me I am special. The other is this, he cannot take back the nasty things he said and abuse in any of its forms is a real deal breaker for me. I loved him, no doubt, still do. But sometimes it is with love we have to say our goodbyes and wish them well.

Thats the hard part, knowing within yourself it is really over, as much as it hurts, as much as we yearn for the better days of the past.The past is gone and the relationship is too.
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« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2010, 05:25:08 PM »

NO WAY!
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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #26 on: March 08, 2010, 05:29:12 PM »

Hmmmm, interesting question.

I definitely wouldn't wait for her, and it would have to be after 6 months of intense therapy where I was allowed to speak to the therapist to know that she (BPD) wasn't just yanking my chain and feeding me full of exaggerations... .

I have already been down the therapy road with her. She was medicated and seeing a counselor (who did the wonderful thing of diagnosing her bipolar... .) and it got us no where. Within two months she had stopped going to therapy and began denying anything was wrong with her, and I was the one that was the problem.

Take away the borderline behaviors and I still don't know if she would make a good relationship partner... .I mean, what is borderline behavior vs her "Normal" behavior? Would I love her "Non-disordered" self?

Take away the BPD crap and what was I left with? I haven't a clue. She had very little to offer this relationship - how would therapy really solve this? I don't even have a clue who the "real" her was, maybe I wouldn't like what I was left with. Hell, maybe her non-disordered self wouldn't like who I was. I really think that one of the main reasons she hooked up with me was she was disordered... .if she wasn't BPD we probably would have never met or been attracted to each other.
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anker
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« Reply #27 on: March 08, 2010, 08:37:22 PM »

Mine got me to date him again years later by saying he had been to therapy. Basically he was "cured" and would never need help again... .

So no. No way. I've already been down this road.
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« Reply #28 on: March 08, 2010, 11:09:21 PM »

Looking back now 3.5 years later, I would not go back to xBPD. WHy?

For everything good BPD was, my now wife is 10x better. The sex w xBPD was good, but the sex w my wife now is just pure ectasy.

For everything bad BPD was, my now wife is NOT.

The moral is there are many better women out there waiting for us.
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kly
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« Reply #29 on: March 09, 2010, 02:42:39 AM »

Looking back now 3.5 years later, I would not go back to xBPD. WHy?

For everything good BPD was, my now wife is 10x better. The sex w xBPD was good, but the sex w my wife now is just pure ectasy.

For everything bad BPD was, my now wife is NOT.

The moral is there are many better women out there waiting for us.

Oh hope.  Thank you OC.  Someday down the line, it's nice to know I may have that.  In a man that is!  I haven't switched teams yet.
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« Reply #30 on: March 09, 2010, 03:58:26 AM »

A fools hope?

I think it is worth bearing in mind, that even IF therapy is/was undertaken, and even IF it were successful there is absolutely no guarantee that this would result in the relationship you both hoped, wished, sacrificed perhaps years for in the pursuit.

I would say recovery from BPD is a life changing experience on all levels, who is to say that you will share the same common goals, ambitions, compatibility, and outlook on life? The person you see so much of what you want and need now if it were not just for this "tiny" little issue of BPD getting in the way of the perfect romance might not even exist in post recovery (I think that is rather the point is it not?)

Pinning your hopes to maybes and what ifs in this context while perhaps years of your life, time, energy, further anguish, and even abuse are endured by you both particularly on your terms seems rather sad and cruel to me.

Have you not given enough already?

I believe we all need to take personal responsibility for ourselves, take ownership of our issues and concentrate on our own health and welfare. You, yourself is where the primary commitment lies.


Stepping of  the soapbox now... .   Smiling (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #31 on: March 09, 2010, 04:12:54 AM »

I've asked myself this a lot and during the first few months played the conversation over and over in my head to try and find an answer.

Very good question. I think a lot of us ask it, possibly even years out... .

The decision I came to is that the damage is done and regardless of how much therapy she had I would always be watching and waiting for it to emerge again.

My ex didn't cheat, that I know of anyway, flipped out a couple of times, but only really lost the plot once - making some pretty out there and awful accusations that had no basis in reality at all. Whether I wanted it to or not, that would always be in the back of my mind, and I believe to some extent I would be moderating what I said and what I did because of it... .

That's not how I want any future relationship to play out to be honest. I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.
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« Reply #32 on: March 09, 2010, 04:13:55 AM »

A definite no, I simply can't risk it.  My ex made so many false allegations of multiple types of misconduct that I would be worse than a blind fool (no slight intended to those visually disadvantaged) to restart a close relationship with her.

Let's see, if any of her false allegations (posturing to gain custody or block my parenting, probably both) would have been believable or believed, I would have spent time in jail or prison, maybe even decades.  So my answer is No, no way.  How could I ever trust she was sufficiently recovered?

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  (Actually, I was fooled many times as has happened with so many others here but even us Nice Guys and Nice Gals have limits - once we realize what we're dealing with.  )
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« Reply #33 on: March 09, 2010, 09:48:34 AM »

My BPDex is diagnosed. Have went to hospitalizations. But that made things worse, because now she blames me and our relationship for her craziness, hospitalizations and for not being functional.

If they seek therapy, they should seek it because is the best for them, not because they want you back; that's manipulation all over.
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« Reply #34 on: March 09, 2010, 09:52:47 AM »

My BPDex is diagnosed. Have went to hospitalizations. But that made things worse, because now she blames me and our relationship for her craziness, hospitalizations and for not being functional.

If they seek therapy, they should seek it because is the best for them, not because they want you back; that's manipulation all over.

Hi Shiro,

My exBPD was twice sectioned and even tried to blame me for the first one which occured before I met her. This is NOT your guilt, no matter how many times she says it is, it is not. She is not a baby, she is a fully grown woman who must learn to become responsible for herself, that is why you have to stay away from her otherwise you are enabling.
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« Reply #35 on: March 09, 2010, 10:38:27 AM »

No!

I went through hell and back with her and have been burned too many times... .at one point I was willing to give up my world for her... .I will never trust her with my heart again and nothing will convince me that she will get better... .  she is incapable of sustaining a healthy loving relationship... .even if she decides to get better for herself it is too late... .there comes a point when you just have to let go and move on as much as it hurts... .  I am healing and I am moving on with my life... .I need to focus what in front of me... .and this time, it's about me... .

- Ciao
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« Reply #36 on: March 09, 2010, 10:40:39 AM »

I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.

I like that. It sounds a lot like me. I must admit that I did compromise who I was just so that he wouldn't rage at me... .
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« Reply #37 on: March 09, 2010, 10:57:56 AM »

Heck no... .my soon to be ex BPDw... .was in therapy... .and as a result she knew all the right things to say... .but still acted and treated me like total SH*(&t... .it made absolutely no difference and cost me a good bit of money... .therapy only works when the person taking it makes and demonstrates a committment to change and takes concrete actions to fix the problems... simply going and just mouthing the right words is meaningless... .at this point even if my ex was serious about it and taking concrete actions, she has burned me too badly to ever trust her again or to take that chance... .so it is NONONONONONO... .NO... .I might even be strange at this point in that I like saying that... .NOPE never again... .take care and good luck
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« Reply #38 on: March 09, 2010, 11:10:38 AM »

I did this.  I had sworn I would never talk to her again after our eighth break-up, and successfully stayed NC for several months.  But her re-engages, which became more intense, frequent, and pitiful, broke my resolve.  I couldn't stand knowing that the woman I still loved felt so sad, terrified, and alone.

During 'Round 9', she went to get counseling.  Things seemed to get better for a while.  Then, during one of those conversations that isn't an argument yet you can tell things aren't good (most Nons probably know what I'm talking about), she let something slip about being able to get out of work because her boss would probably think she was still going to therapy.  I told I thought she was still going to therapy too.  Apparently, that was a mistake.

That was a few months ago.  Now she's married to somebody else.  Whether or not she's gone back in to therapy to save that relationship, I don't know.  Not my problem now.
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« Reply #39 on: March 09, 2010, 11:14:10 AM »

Very early on as I was still in the FOG. Now 3 years out, although there is still the occasional re-engagement, From what I know... .have healed... .have me back... .NEVER NEVER NEVER !
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #40 on: March 09, 2010, 03:36:38 PM »

GCD145 / ColumbianChick, 

I'm okay I guess.  I'm just really sad.  It's been a couple months since we broke up.  I just can't believe this has happened to me.  I was a very "normal" guy before this.  No mental health issues.  Now I haven't slept in 2 months.  I talk to two different counselors once or twice a week.  I can't perform well at work.  I'm in pure survival mode. It's the only way for me to deal with it.  Hour by hour, day by day of constant thoughts of her.  I was somewhat of a loner before this and never felt lonely.  Now the lonliness is unbearable.  I miss her, I miss her son, I miss the farm, I miss the dogs, the horses, I just want to go home. 

On top of the break-up, I still have to deal with my divorce from my stbx wife.  My BPDexgf is happy as a clam with her new boyfriend while I'm suffering and she wouldn't care if she knew anyway.  I can't make sense of anything!  It's scary!
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« Reply #41 on: March 10, 2010, 12:07:48 AM »

SDT,

You sound very sad and I know there isn't a darn thing I can say to you to help. I feel for you man, hang in there. We are all here for you and thinking of you.

Where are you living now?   Take care of yourself. We have all been there.

C
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #42 on: March 10, 2010, 07:59:30 AM »

sdt, could it be more than just the aftereffects of her being the void in your life?  I am concerned you may be in Depression, not just Depressed.  You should seek out some medical experts to determine whether a state of depression could be complicating and delaying your closure and recovery.  So go see your physician in addition to counselors.  While of course you don't want to become dependent on drugs, you may need help to get over this rough spot.  Meanwhile, get more active in exercising, walking, hiking, and events with other people around.

Sleep deprivation too can prolong or worsen depression, or is it the other way around?  Maybe both ways?

As for sleeping better, some here have mentioned that melatonin can help a person become drowsy and sleep better.  I've also used a half or single tablet of Benadryl (the generics are a small fraction of the cost of the brand name product) to help me stay asleep though the night.
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FinPublic
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« Reply #43 on: March 10, 2010, 08:36:34 AM »

This also sounds like me. I adjusted who I was in order to keep him calm. Guess what? It didn't work.

I normally post on the divorce & custody board, but I pop over here occasionally because to get through the divorce, I need to disengage and keep disengaging. It's a conscious thing.

This is an interesting question. If my stbx were to "agree" to therapy - no, I wouldn't take him back. If he did what I asked - which was to have the two of us commit a year of our lives to learning how to deal with BPD at McLean Hospital, then 'yes,' I'd go with him.

That was always the 'deal' I offered him, and if he were to take me up on it, I would do that. Not sure that's 'taking him back' though.

The relationship would be very different, and I would enter into the family side of the program at McLean as I said I would, but the relationship would not be sexual; it would be platonic.

Because I am so much older than my stbx, there was always a huge huge maternal component to our relationship, and I would accompany him to McLean primarily as a mother.

But this is really a moot question because he will not get help; he prefers being ill. In fact, he has a web page, and the banner on it reads: "King of Mental Illness."

Enough said. He will not ever get help; he will die young and alone, and, if I let it, that would break my heart.

Fin

I want the space to be myself (and I can be pretty out there at times), to say and do stupid things from time to time and not have to be wondering if it's going to trigger another episode of 'crazy'.

I'll compromise a lot of things in a relationship, but not myself or who I am.

I like that. It sounds a lot like me. I must admit that I did compromise who I was just so that he wouldn't rage at me... .

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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #44 on: March 10, 2010, 08:50:22 AM »

C12P21,

Where am I living?  Little background first, which I believe lead to the break-up... .

My 90 year old mother who lives alone fell in December and broke 6 ribs. She has COPD and other health issues.  I had set her up with lifeline several years ago.  She has a lifeline button that she wears in case something happens, she pushes the button and a call goes out to lifeline. They in turn go to a phone list and call the people on the list before they call an ambulance.  I hadn't updated the list is years, never crossed my mind.  Well, I'm sleeping with my BPDgf and get a call at 11:30PM from my stbx wife saying that lifeline called her house(where I used to live)and that my mother had fallen.  I thanked her and told her to call 911 I was on my way.  I lived with my BPDgf about 1/2 hour from my mom.  Before I leave the house my BPD wants to know why Lifeline called my stbx instead of me?  Why didn't I change the number?  

I get to my moms and my stbx is there, she lives 2 minutes away and went in through the back door.  I call my BPDgf to tell her whats going on, she wants to know why my stbx went to the house, how did she get in, does she have a key?

My mom was in the hospital for several days.  My BPD is a nurse in that hosiptal.  She visits my mom and my mom asks her if it's okay if my stbx wife comes to visit her. My BPD says no problem, then says "maybe my stbx and I will get back together".  The BPD hates my stbx involved in my life.

I have my mom transferred to a nursing facility on x-mas eve.   About a week later my BPDgf says we gotta talk and breaks up with me and kicks me out of her house.  Since my mom is in the nursing home I go to her house.  

To make long story short, my mom wants out of the nursing home but they won't release her unless she has 24 hour care.  I hired 2 people to cover days and I cover nights.  I'm 48 years old and I live with my 90 year old mother.  I have a baby monitor by the bed so I can hear if she needs me at night.  How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.
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« Reply #45 on: March 10, 2010, 01:03:05 PM »

If I wanted to experience "Roller Coaster from Hell"+stomach ache+hangover again I would try a different one. If i'm to ride the ride I would go for another BPD, not the same. Maybe younger!    hehehehe

o.k., it wasn't funny.

Answer: NO

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trax
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« Reply #46 on: March 10, 2010, 01:29:46 PM »

There was a time that I would have done so in a heartbeat.  Since I realized that he is most likely also a sociopath I have closed that door permanently.

Of course I still have many moments of missing him, in which I have to remind myself who/what he really is.  Its a real struggle for me between what I KNOW and what I desire.
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Manon46
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« Reply #47 on: March 10, 2010, 03:31:31 PM »

When i consider suicide, i would take him back, pretty sure he can push me over the edge Smiling (click to insert in post)

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GCD145
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« Reply #48 on: March 10, 2010, 04:00:16 PM »

C12P21,

I'm 48 years old and I live with my 90 year old mother.  I have a baby monitor by the bed so I can hear if she needs me at night.  How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.

Look, SDT, I realize that you're in a bad place.  I can understand how things seem unfair to you.

Having said that, you do seem to be locked in the depths of self-pity.  Some points for you to maybe consider:

1. You know this situation isn't going to last forever- your mom is 90 after all.

2. Beautiful or not, I think you're better off without a fair-weather companion who will ditch you at the first sign of trouble and is interested only in your being at her service 24/7.  Not someone to plan a future with.

With all due respect to you, and not trying to blame you, but maybe the choices you're making about your relationships are not good for you.  

GCD145
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« Reply #49 on: March 10, 2010, 04:07:30 PM »

If I ever felt like adopting a 26 year old man with a uBPD and a drink problem, then I would just take my ex back. He will never get help. He likes to stalk me a little 

Its going to be a no.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #50 on: March 10, 2010, 04:10:57 PM »

Agreeing to therapy and then being committed to it, are totally different issues.  Anyone can give millions of promises.  Words are cheap and easy.

More important question is:  What would it take for you to get over the anxiety trigger that you X has become in your mind?  The X's mere presence, mere mention, mere whiff of a little proximity can and most probably does trigger anxiety, paranoia, fear, dread... .all such negativity in you.  So what would it take for YOU to feel normal in their presence?

The answer to the question does not lie in change in them, but in the degree of your own mental health.

The people who love BPD sufferers or have been in close proximity with them for a prolonged period of time, most often begin to suffer from PTSD themselves.

Take care my friend, try to look forward... .

:-)
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C12P21
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« Reply #51 on: March 10, 2010, 11:31:57 PM »

Excerpt
How my life has changed, 2.5 months ago I was sleeping with the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, living on a horse farm.  Now I'm living in town sleeping by myself taking care of my 90 year mother.  My stbx wife lives in the beautiful house that I renovated.  I think my BPD knew how much care my mother was going to need and didn't like that my mother and my stbx are friends.  She knew I wasn't going to be at her service 24/7 as I had been.  So, instead of helping me with my mom and dealing with my stbx, she bailed.  I guess I can't really blame her.

SDT,

You are going through a divorce, a break up, a mother with a terminal condition, and a change in homes. Your stress level must be sky high. About her bailing, a balanced person discusses the issues and says goodbye if they are in over their heads. An emotionally healthy person would even say, "you know, I'm scared you will return to your ex wife". They can admit their fears and needs.

Life throws us curve balls and our mates decide if they are they are in the game or out. You will get through this. Have you thought about going for therapy or do you have a church pastor that might help you through this trying time?

Take care.

C
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