How long did your honeymoon phase last?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I must have triggered the heck out of mine.  3mo is when it all went to H E L L. The honeymoon never returned. She push-pulled me so much I thought I was going nuts. Said I was "yelling" at her... .I was only trying to communicate... .couldn't get a word in at all... .then I would be accused of trying to get "the last word". The circular arguments were mind-boggling. I am a very social person. I run a social group with over 400 members. The fact I could not communicate like a rational 40yo adult with this person should have been the   that got me to leave. Instead, I stayed 3yrs with this sociopath.

I found out last night, after one of our breakups my ex told HER ex I had "irrational mood swings from very, high to very low and it was scary. She thought I might hurt her".

... .yet she begged me back two more times after this.

I am now dating this ex (the ex of my ex) and clearly we both found this humorous. I was physically assaulted by my ex. I never touched her, never called her names. In fact the last year of our relationship was sexless and it was the best it had ever been... .no rages, no push pull... .

but she was "bored and numb"... .time to find a new victim. I was afraid to have sex. She had accused exes of forcing themselves on her and being "sex addicts". Instead of leaving... .as I should have... .I just tried to protect myself from the false moniker of "rapist". She was able to use this to her benefit, telling her new GF I "friendzoned" her and wasn't that into her.

At the same time, this is stuff she would tell people so many think I am insane. That is what is really scary. That her "enablers" believe it.

Personally, I believe her enablers have severe issues of their own. One is suicidal every other week.

I work with her sister and she has threatened me.  The only thing that made ME feel safe is I was still with my ex so it was doubtful her sister would pull something. Now, I'm not so sure. That still makes me nervous... .I allowed myself to be surrounded by people who are ape-___ crazy.

and THIS is why you should save emails and any coorespondence in the event it's used against you in the future. I saved EVERYTHING.

I say I was with my ex for 3yrs but with the months she would disappear and try to replace me I'd say 18mo... .the standard.  Birthdays, dumped, holidays, dumped... .vacations... .

you guessed it... .

dumped.

I won't miss the unreliability, the dissapointment or the lying and cheating.

I won't miss her, I won't miss her batshiz crazy enabling family... .She didn't exist... .just her pathology.

[Pretty Woman]

I must have triggered the heck out of mine.  3mo is when it all went to H E L L. The honeymoon never returned. She push-pulled me so much I thought I was going nuts. Said I was "yelling" at her... .I was only trying to communicate... .couldn't get a word in at all... .then I would be accused of trying to get "the last word". The circular arguments were mind-boggling. I am a very social person. I run a social group with over 400 members. The fact I could not communicate like a rational 40yo adult with this person should have been the   that got me to leave. Instead, I stayed 3yrs with this sociopath.

I found out last night, after one of our breakups my ex told HER ex I had "irrational mood swings from very, high to very low and it was scary. She thought I might hurt her".

... .yet she begged me back two more times after this.

I am now dating this ex (the ex of my ex) and clearly we both found this humorous. I was physically assaulted by my ex. I never touched her, never called her names. In fact the last year of our relationship was sexless and it was the best it had ever been... .no rages, no push pull... .

but she was "bored and numb"... .time to find a new victim. I was afraid to have sex. She had accused exes of forcing themselves on her and being "sex addicts". Instead of leaving... .as I should have... .I just tried to protect myself from the false moniker of "rapist". She was able to use this to her benefit, telling her new GF I "friendzoned" her and wasn't that into her.

At the same time, this is stuff she would tell people so many think I am insane. That is what is really scary. That her "enablers" believe it.

Personally, I believe her enablers have severe issues of their own. One is suicidal every other week.

I work with her sister and she has threatened me.  The only thing that made ME feel safe is I was still with my ex so it was doubtful her sister would pull something. Now, I'm not so sure. That still makes me nervous... .I allowed myself to be surrounded by people who are ape-___ crazy.

and THIS is why you should save emails and any coorespondence in the event it's used against you in the future. I saved EVERYTHING.

I say I was with my ex for 3yrs but with the months she would disappear and try to replace me I'd say 18mo... .the standard.  Birthdays, dumped, holidays, dumped... .vacations... .

you guessed it... .

dumped.

I won't miss the unreliability, the dissapointment or the lying and cheating.

I won't miss her, I won't miss her batshiz crazy enabling family... .She didn't exist... .just her pathology.

[Lost Out]

I'd say 5 months, but there were signs before that. Lack of empathy for her own daughter. telling me I could stay in her small apartment while she was at work while her 18 year old daughter was there. C'mon, the kid barely knew me and she says her daughter "won't mind". I wouldn't even sleep there until I knew her daughter was ok with that. The exBPD kept telling me how her daughter hated her last live in boyfriend so I took that to heart and made sure I had concern for the kid. Maybe it was a lie, who the heck knows now. Probably just lack of concern or empathy for the kid. That has got to be difficult for a daughter to grow up with. Oh she was buying me gifts all the while her daughter did not have health insurance. Relationship is paramount.

How about this one, her exbf from 8 months prior was still texting her, sometimes multiple times a day. I asked if she was over that relationship as she kept taking his messages, (which should have been obvious to me) and she said she was, and that when she cares about someone " I care forever". I think she meant torment forever.

Then in the first month, and I keep writing this over and over to get it through my thick skull, she said "men don't breakup  with me, I breakup with men." Now tell me that wasn't a gigantic red flag with cannon shots and fireworks. I just stood there in awe of the color and noise, pathetic.

Funny thing is, is that she was always trying to make me jealous. Early on we are in the line for the movies and a guy in front of us turns and looks at her and says something. she says to me "that would have made my old boyfriend really mad." Silly me said "what for, you didn't do anything." That was not the answer she expected. And then she would come home from dinner with a friend and tell me that a young waiter was flirting with her, and I would say "who the heck wouldn't flirt with you." Again I was oblivious to what she wanted at that point, which was to be jealous and keep me off balance.

She is beautiful girl and the sex was incredible. it is amazing how I got caught up in that. But I realize now it was just a show, there was no love in the love making. It filled an empty place and it was how she got, or thought she got control. As I think about it now, it is sad that she thought she had to use sex as a tool. Sometimes I felt like I was her abuser from childhood and she was reliving that terrible stuff that happened. And then I just stopped wanting that from her, not that I didn't want it, I wanted more from the relationship other than a transaction. It makes me so terribly sad. I wonder if that is why we become the trigger? Sex is a tool that was learned from abuse, so the BPD person continues to use it that way. And then we become the abuser when they lash out, we are reliving the incredible, justifiable rage that is being felt by them. My ex wife was exactly the same. Somewhere in this story is a story in my life. My mom was BPD and killed herself at 52. My first real GF definitely was BPD and dumped my on my head, although 30 years later has resurfaced and is telling me how much she "loves me".

So in the end I broke up with her, which I think really sent her in to a huge tailspin. Finally someone broke the cycle and did it first. In some ways I think she respects me for that, that I said no to the game, the sex is power game. I have respect ofr her, deep down I think she knows that. But I also think everything is deep down with her, and that she will replay the game with the new BF. I read somewhere that BPD does not learn from mistakes, maybe I write about the time she gave a $42,000 Mercedes Benz to a couple of criminals.

So now I have finally taken leave from work and am trying to sort all of this out, all about me. Where did I go? How did I get so lost? What will I become? An amazing journey.

[SummerStorm]

Intimacy is something I value greatly.  I don't care about the "wild porn sex" that so many pwBPD offer.  As a result, the honeymoon didn't last long.

We became friends at the end of January, but we didn't hang out outside of work until the end of March. So, idealization really began March 20th.  The months of April and May were spent in a push-pull cycle of her wanting to be with me and then not wanting to be with me, but there wasn't any rage.  

The first time we had sex was on April 24th.  She was drunk.  I was buzzed.  It was pretty crazy, but there was zero intimacy.  I even went out of character and talked dirty to her.  Basically, it was what she was comfortable with.  The second time was April 30th.  May 6-13 was her saying we just needed to remain friends.  May 14-20 was filled with, "You're the one.  I love you.  I want to live with you.  I want to marry you."  Our third time together was very intimate, and the next night, she basically ignored me all night and then slept away from me.  I should mention that April and May were filled with love letters and handmade cards from me, which only served to trigger her engulfment fears even more.

Her first rage came on May 21st, when, for no reason at all, she texted me and said, "You're so f____ing annoying.  Go.  To.  Bed."  This was two days after we looked at a house together and talked about what our married life would be like.  

From May 21-June 3, it was basically just devaluing and raging all the time.  We went from seeing each other every day at work and at least one day a week after work to barely seeing each other at all.  June 4th was her suicide attempt.  I visited her June 7th.  June 8-16 was her ignoring my texts and avoiding seeing me.  June 16th was the day I was discarded for no reason.  

Idealization basically lasted for two months, but there was push-pull in there.  

Her boyfriend isn't romantic at all and is oblivious to everything around him, so he's probably a better fit for her, for now... . 

[Pretty Woman]

 

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

We really were sexless the last year and a half but I felt she respected me more. To me, sex made me vulnerable and she'd dumped me. She actually stuck around longer when we weren't having sex.

[Brood]

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

We really were sexless the last year and a half but I felt she respected me more. To me, sex made me vulnerable and she'd dumped me. She actually stuck around longer when we weren't having sex.

Yeah the sex was 'crazy' because I had never been told to choke out my partner, etc. When we were drunk I liked it a lot but yes, I agree that when I was not drunk the sex felt very mechanical and played out. Once the phase was over though our sex would usually end in a fight... I like sex without fights a whole lot more I find.

[SummerStorm]

You guys bring up a point about the sex.  Sex was just... .sex. In fact, I stopped enjoying it. She was very rough... .almost mechanical.  There was no intimacy... .no long talks afterwards or cuddling... .it was almost lewd, crass even.

We sexted a lot in the beginning and I admit that was exciting, I never did that with anyone before... .but when it became an actual "relationship"... .

she bolted. Over and over again.

I am 29, and she was the first person I had ever been with.  She had to go home afterwards, and after we got dressed, I tried to hug her, and she said, "I have to pee."  The whole act itself was very rough and overblown.  It was my first time, and she left bite marks all over me.  We were both drinking, and I was so attracted to her, so I just let it slide and chalked it up to weeks of sexual tension finally having an outlet.   

At first, I thought it was all because she had cheated and was feeling shame because of it, and part of it probably was that, but even after she decided that she wanted to leave her boyfriend and be with me, sex was basically the same.  She did tone it down after the first time (no more biting), but it was still just very mechanical.  No foreplay, no cuddling afterwards, getting dressed again right away. 

I had also never sexted before, and it was so exciting to get those messages from her, but it's like that's all the farther she could go.  Making love was something she just couldn't do.

She once said to me, "Lust goes away pretty quickly.  I'm trying to figure out if my lust for you is tied to my love for you, or if it's the basis of my love for you.  The second option has ended a lot of relationships for me."  What she was saying, but didn't realize that she was saying, was that everyone she's been with could only take the porn sex for a while and then tried to be more intimate.  It wasn't that lust went away; it was that love took over. 

[Pretty Woman]

Summer Storm,

 This was my first woman too.  And yeah what's with the biting. Not sexy biting... .like taking out chunks biting.

I almost lost a nipple once. .

It was not a mutually caring, rewarding relationship at all.  Co-dependent yes... .but it was more her on me. By the end I was sick of taking care of her endless needs and getting nothing in return... .not even a stinkin t-shirt

(as in... .I dated a BPD and all I got was this lousy PTSD) Funny but not.

[Brood]

Was my first woman too, she also bit and liked being bit... I'm so happy I found this place it's really putting my life in to a correct perspective.

[Pretty Woman]

Did either of yours, Summer Storm and Brood mention they were into BDSM? Mine was and I so am not. There is a lot of sexual abuse involved with many ppl who are involved in that lifestyle. My ex claimed to have been raped by both men and by women.

I was with a man before this relationship... .seven years ago and I will say it was so gentle and loving. Not like this was.  Sure there were crazy times but we could connect. I just couldn't connect with her physically. It wasn't the same.

[SummerStorm]

Summer Storm,

 This was my first woman too.  And yeah what's with the biting. Not sexy biting... .like taking out chunks biting.

I almost lost a nipple once. .

It was not a mutually caring, rewarding relationship at all.  Co-dependent yes... .but it was more her on me. By the end I was sick of taking care of her endless needs and getting nothing in return... .not even a stinkin t-shirt

(as in... .I dated a BPD and all I got was this lousy PTSD) Funny but not.

This was my first person.  Period.  Only one, actually.  Not exactly how I was originally planning for that to go.   

Oh, and the day after, I texted her to say that I had bruises.  I was trying to be cheeky and sexy, and she just replied, "Yeah, I get rowdy, especially when I'm drunk.  Rub them a bit, and they'll get lighter."  Such a romantic.   

The biting was hard but not that hard.  It was just more the frequency than anything.  I had marks on my collarbone, my shoulder, my hip, my thigh.  The second time, she didn't bite me but asked me to bite her.  She noticed the bruise in the shower the next morning and later told me about it and mentioned that she usually doesn't bruise.  I actually took some pride in that. 

Yeah, I was sick of everything being about her.  And really, I didn't even see her that often, so that's saying a lot.   

[SummerStorm]

Did either of yours, Summer Storm and Brood mention they were into BDSM? Mine was and I so am not. There is a lot of sexual abuse involved with many ppl who are involved in that lifestyle. My ex claimed to have been raped by both men and by women.

No, she never mentioned it, but I've chatted with other people who said their exBPD was into it.  Our first time, in the middle of just kissing, she randomly stopped and said, "No, I don't think you're ready for that."  I didn't ask what she was talking about, but it did make me wonder.  Whatever crazy thing she was talking about, I'm glad she stopped herself, especially since it was my first time. 

Of course, we're also talking about a woman who had never seen a vibrator and was fascinated by the fact that I own one. 

She identifies as bisexual but has only ever been with two women, and the first was a few years ago, so most of her knowledge of lesbian sex comes from porn, which isn't exactly the most accurate depiction of it. 

Mine was sexually abused as a child and into her teenage years. 

I've mentioned this a couple of times, but it's actually really sad because I could tell she really, really wanted what I wanted to give her, but her disorder just wouldn't let her have it.  T

here are a lot of things about BPD that piss me off and just can't be forgiven, but there are some things that are just sad.  She would tell me how much she loved my "sweet kisses."  I don't mean to stereotype here, so please forgive me, but I think we can all agree that if there is any one group of people who that less likely to care about intimacy and romance, it's men in their teens and early 20s.  Again, not every man in that age range is like this, but I went to college and saw it every day.  So, I really think that she's had a lot of sex with guys who think that her porn sex is just amazing.  The way I treated her was foreign to her and fascinated her, but it also pushed her away because she couldn't handle the intimacy.  I wanted it to be slow and romantic from the beginning. 

She always wanted me to tell her how sexy she is, and I did.  But when I told her that she's beautiful, she just started sobbing.  It was heartbreaking.  And when she first told me about cutting, I said that I would kiss all of her scars.  She said that was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever said to her.  But when I tried to kiss them, she pushed me away.     

[workinprogress]

7 years!

I was the king of the world.  I honestly believed that she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Then, after the house was built, the kids were hatched, and the finances were becoming more limited, I was painted black!

I see now that as long as I served an upcoming purpose for her, building a house, getting her pregnant, I was the king. 

I'll admit, I loved it while it lasted!

[crawler]

I'm not sure if mine lasted for a week or six months.

To me, only the first week was perfect. Then when we departed (long distance relationship), things started exploding and it turned to hell for me.

In her mind however, things were perfect the first six months, after which something happened that made me lose value in her eyes and then hell intensified even further. 

[Lostone1314]

just want to add my undiagnosed BPDexgf was into porn style sex as well real kinky stuff and when she didnt orgasm there was hell to pay... NO love just sex... same i never got cuddles or pillow talk after i may just have been a scratching post... not sure what triggered my ex but honeymoon was over just after we moved in together... gone was the affectionate loving woman who would wait for me naked to arrive from work...

still miss the cheating biatch  

[rotiroti]

8 years or 7 months depending on how you see it:

I realize now that I was idolized during our 8 year friendship -- she never said 'no' and somehow loved all the things I loved over the years. Little did I know that getting engaged was going to be the beginning of the end. I feel like I've learned multiple lifetime's worth of lessons about love, relationships, and myself. It was exhausting!

[Yolanda123]

I'd say around ten months, though there were quite a few   after a few months... .

From January to November I felt like a princess. Yep I totally fell for the sweet caring sensitive bright funny man, for the soulmate once in a lifetime he loves me for who I am thing. From November to June I felt like I was going crazy with the push/pull, actions not matching his words, mistrust, circular arguments over silly things, childish tantrums, extreme jealousy... .trying to keep that great man and great love and fighting for it. Waiting for all this to return. Questioning my own sanity.

November is when I told him Why don't you come live here?... .He was actually always at my home and was the one who'd been talking about it for months. I thought he was gonna be over the moon. Was not. It went downhill from there.  

In the next months, he would always bring it up, saying how I had not asked him the right way or at the right moment    

[Caredverymuch]

Mine actually lasted for several years. It wasn't until we were married that she devalued and replaced me.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 

I believe this is true regardless of the actual length of time. The ship seems to turn the closer you actually get, realizing not all pBPD's are the same.

[HappyNihilist]

We had an initial honeymoon phase of about 3 months... .I'll never forget the first fight, the one that made me feel like my brain has snapped and I no longer knew which way was up. There were some rough times. But then he was sober for about 8 months, and he was far better at regulating his emotions, and things were good. The second honeymoon ended about 6 months before the end of the relationship.

Intimacy is the trigger.  The closer you get, the faster they run. 

I believe this is true regardless of the actual length of time. The ship seems to turn the closer you actually get, realizing not all pBPD's are the same.

I believe the same, that it's more based on intimacy and triggered fears than time. One pwBPD could be fine for 2 years until triggered by marriage; another could be "acting out" within the first month of the relationship. Within the disorder's general pathology, the specifics of the triggers, emotions, and responses are (as with anyone, BPD or not) very individual to each person.

[Pretty Woman]

You want to talk triggers... .I threw my ex a VERY expensive birthday on the gold coast (Chicago) a month before she dumped me.  I invited ALL her exes.  Imagine her walking off the elevator and seeing ALL her exes talking to each other.

That had to trigger her big time. Some things were realized at that party and lies uncovered (I found out from the exes AFTER my breakup).

She always said they were her friends... .they were her supply and that party actually eliminated a few from her rotation. I figured this out AFTER the fact. I really was trying to do something nice for her.

She literally ran off into the sunset with my replacement less than a month later. When I mentioned I would never throw that elaborate of a party for "just a friend" she tells me... .you didn't even kiss me at the party... .

all these people were there for her and I was trying to help the host who threw this at her home.  I just wanted her to have fun.

The host got an elaborate bouquet arrangement of flowers and I got a giant FU and got dumped.  Now she is trying to bring this new GF into our social circle.

I have taken her back two times from others. I am pretty sure I am blacker than black right now and to be honest I don't want her back anymore... .it just hurts that they can move on after something nice was done for them... .regardless of their warped interpretation of it.  

PW

[sas1729]

Hey,

Wow many replies here with a variety of timeframes! In my own case things were great in the beginning (obviously) months. The physical and intellectual chemistry we had was great. I think when this all started going downhill was by a trigger. She didn't want to meet my family. Well, maybe I pushed it too quickly, but we all lived in the same city. Consequently, it didn't feel weird to me. Plus, as I told her from the beginning, I am pretty close to my family. So it wasn't strange for me to suggest that we all get together. It was after a few months, either two or three. Anyway, that started a downward spiral.

[zundertowz]

First year I was never split black just a few temper tantrums that would remind you of a 3 year old... .second year I would be split back for a short period of time maybe a few hours or a day once in a while... .third year was complete hell, split black for weeks at a time, all sorts of abuse and threats... .so I would say for almost all of 2 years I was idealized... she still was pushing to get married a week before we broke up... i'll never truly understand that.  As far as the sex went the porn star sex got old... it felt like a heroin addict trying to get her fix. I knew something was really off from the beginning tho so I don't think I ever truly bought completely into what she was selling... .

[Mutt]

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