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Author Topic: Considering reconnecting with an exBPD  (Read 859 times)
captainkirkz
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« Reply #30 on: January 06, 2012, 10:43:58 AM »

Hmm... .I'm wondering, it's been about 2-3 weeks since she called me to harass me about asking my friends not talk to her.

How long does it usually take for BPDs to re-engage?  Do BPDs often go NC?

Well, it's been over a month since that last email was sent and as i said not a peep as yet.

I think i said that i have been through the r/s with my ex twice 14 years apart. The first time we split she waited 15 months before re-engaging me and she came back at me as if NOTHING had happened. Very selective memory when they need to.

Judging by the comments of the good folks on here it can vary greatly from a few days to years depending on how much they think you have to offer THEM at that point. Nothing to do with your well being no matter how they dress it up!
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #31 on: January 06, 2012, 10:45:28 AM »

It's very believable that they would re-engage when it suits them and their needs, no surprise there.

I'm very surprised to hear that it can be years later though.  I figured if several weeks/months go by, that's it.  You're forgotten.

Guess I'd better be prepared, then.  Thanks.

Hmm... .I'm wondering, it's been about 2-3 weeks since she called me to harass me about asking my friends not talk to her.

How long does it usually take for BPDs to re-engage?  Do BPDs often go NC?

Well, it's been over a month since that last email was sent and as i said not a peep as yet.

I think i said that i have been through the r/s with my ex twice 14 years apart. The first time we split she waited 15 months before re-engaging me and she came back at me as if NOTHING had happened. Very selective memory when they need to.

Judging by the comments of the good folks on here it can vary greatly from a few days to years depending on how much they think you have to offer THEM at that point. Nothing to do with your well being no matter how they dress it up!

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captainkirkz
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« Reply #32 on: January 06, 2012, 10:48:02 AM »

No probs! Be prepared ... .she's coming!
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ItsAboutTime
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« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2012, 11:32:48 AM »

Excerpt
My ex and I knew each other for a year, and she struck me as really positive, outgoing and happy.  Up until we made it official everything, including the sex, was a blast.  Almost immediately after we got serious it changed, though.

You've hit on one point regarding a person with BPD. As soon as they know they have you, they withdraw. They begin to devalue you. They don't want to be abandoned so they do things that will be effective in making you leave them first. Sounds so bizarre, but that's how it goes. THEY take control of the departure by leaving first emotionally. You actually become the enemy, their nemesis.

Someone has already pointed out the fact that since you are in another relationship, how would any re-engagement or reconnection with this ex affect your current relationship?  It's a natural thing for us non-BPD's to want to 'save them' or help them realize they're mentally ill and seek help. We've been there too. No, it can't at all be compared to someone who's physically handicapped. A person that has lost the use of limbs or mobility will usually work very hard at rehabilitation because they genuinely have the desire to improve their physical function. A BPD does NOT understand the depth of their mental disability and will not seek any professional help. Even the small number of those who will agree to therapy will never recover because they will manipulate even the most highly trained Psychologist.

I believe, since you are new to this mental illness, that you would benefit greatly from reading every article here that you can. Knowledge truly is freedom when it comes to this illness. It goes far deeper than you realize right now, you've only scratched the surface.

My advice would be to let it be, leave it as it is for your own welfare. Re-engagement can be from days to even years, but it happens eventually. By preparing yourself with the tools and the knowledge gained here through the personal experiences of those who've been through Hell and back with a BPD, you will be able to survive this without too many deep wounds that would last a lifetime.

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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2012, 11:56:12 AM »

That's a great question that I don't have an answer for.  However, right now it seems that although BPDs have a very burdensome disorder, they are STILL cognitive of their behavior and thus CAN change (although I'm sure most of them don't know HOW, much less BELIEVE they can; two requisites for the ability to alter your own behavior).

I don't know how debiliting the actual disorder is; I've never been BPD.  But from what I've heard and read it is an IMMENSE challenge, but they CAN take steps to start getting in control of their situation.  It is a lifelong process and it will NEVER be as easy for them as it is for a nonBPD, but from what information I've gathered I've come to the conclusion that it IS possible for them to control their behavior (not their thought process or emotions, though) to some extent.

I don't know if it's empty.  I'm a psychology major and studies have shown that people who have a passion about something, whether it's music or sports or whatever, can be just as happy single as people in highly functioning relationships.  It's highly unusual but people can achieve happiness without having a SO.

However, the inability to relate to even friends or family could make it difficult.  

Interesting how you note you were fantastic as friends.  My ex and I knew each other for a year, and she struck me as really positive, outgoing and happy.  Up until we made it official everything, including the sex, was a blast.  Almost immediately after we got serious it changed, though.

I wonder, though: Would even a friendship have lasted that long?

Yes hijodeganas, i see your point.

The people you mention though, the ones that are happy without a SO and are passionate about a hobby/interest(assuming they are nonBPD). They have free will don't they, so it is a conscious decision to live alone whereas a BPD has no sense of self and therefore no free will. They are subject to the constraints that their illness places upon them and therefore cannot make the same choice as a non. They are slaves to their own jumbled emotions and act out accordingly. What do you think?


   Yes you did post on the wrong board, if you are searching for validation, on reengaging with BPD. I suggest you do some more research, as your knee jerk reaction, upon putting a name to her illness, is also typical. Most especially, if your intentions are not, to be with this person.

Your concern is most noble, just as many others on this site. We and most likely you, suffer with codependency. This would be much better time spent. Your current girlfriend can say what she wants, and you can believe, what you want to believe. Making a choice to add chaos to your life, is not going to benefit, anyone involved. If you belive so, please explain. The notion that your going to save the day, for her, is a pipe dream, and you know it, or hopefully, soon will. Your support will be misenterpeted. (its a 3-7 yr old mentality) You dont think like BPD. So your motives, and BPDs, is NEVER going to be the same. Even with extensive therapy, her warp thinking will only be curved, not healed, and by a trained individual, not you.  If you would like to answer a question that would benefit you and your current r/s, try this one, " What is it about me, that had me so attracted to, such a damaged person ? , It seems, as I read through all of these posts, you are getting, pretty much the same response, and also show, how this person, has/had you on an emotional roller coaster.  It also seems very apparent, that you are hell bent on FIXING IT.  PEACE  
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2012, 05:40:09 PM »

You've hit on one point regarding a person with BPD. As soon as they know they have you, they withdraw. They begin to devalue you. They don't want to be abandoned so they do things that will be effective in making you leave them first. Sounds so bizarre, but that's how it goes. THEY take control of the departure by leaving first emotionally. You actually become the enemy, their nemesis.

It was very bizarre to me at the time.  I had no idea what was going on, so I kept analyzing what was going on - what did I do?  what happened?  Did I say the wrong thing?  I'd been in healthy relationships up until then, so I figured *I* must have done SOMETHING to cause it.  After a little while I just kept going that if a, b, or c happened (she got to know me better, or she quit her job or she started to trust me more, etc) she'd finally calm down and the old person would come back.

it can't at all be compared to someone who's physically handicapped. A person that has lost the use of limbs or mobility will usually work very hard at rehabilitation because they genuinely have the desire to improve their physical function. A BPD does NOT understand the depth of their mental disability and will not seek any professional help. Even the small number of those who will agree to therapy will never recover because they will manipulate even the most highly trained Psychologist.

Very valid point, but one disagreement: I've seen evidence that SOME BPDs seek treatment and SOME of them actualy do improve their situation.  The severity of the disorder varies from individual to individual.  but I agree, unlike physical problems, many if not most PDs either do not think they have a problem, or minimize it or simply do not seek help

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hijodeganas
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« Reply #36 on: January 06, 2012, 05:43:03 PM »

I believe, since you are new to this mental illness, that you would benefit greatly from reading every article here that you can. Knowledge truly is freedom when it comes to this illness. It goes far deeper than you realize right now, you've only scratched the surface.

Totally agree.  I'll admit, I'm still naive to many aspects of BPD; like I said, my encounter was considerably brief, and I got out of it fast.  In many ways, I'm thankful I'm more ignorant than most people here; I think my quick recovery can be attributed to the fact that I "only scratched the surface" as you said.

My advice would be to let it be, leave it as it is for your own welfare. Re-engagement can be from days to even years, but it happens eventually. By preparing yourself with the tools and the knowledge gained here through the personal experiences of those who've been through Hell and back with a BPD, you will be able to survive this without too many deep wounds that would last a lifetime.

This highlights one aspect of my ignorance: I assumed that if she went NC for a few weeks, then it was permanent.  However, I'm reading cases of exBPDs contacting again after several months, or even years.  Yikes.  Honestly, I'm looking forward to it; it'll be a good test of my resolve.

Thanks very much for the information and the warnings.  Much appreciated.
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #37 on: January 06, 2012, 05:49:10 PM »

Thank you for your response, and no offense, but your reaction to my reaction is also very knee jerk.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I have posted repeatedly: I have NO desire to save her, and I am not codependent.  My only desire is to inform her of what I've learned and encourage her to get help.  If I can't do that, so be it.  I'm fine with that.

I know this may be hard to understand, but I'm the happiest and most at peace with myself I've ever been in my life now.  I'm not seeking validation.

What you seem to fail to understand is that, as the previous poster was insightful enough to notice, I know very little about BPD.  It's still new to me, and I haven't fully experienced the depth of the disorder personally.  I have no idea what to expect should we meet again, and most of the information I've received on here has been VERY useful.  To be honest, the more I read, the less I am inclined to re-engage with her again.  I never said I definitely want to - the title of this topic is "Considering."

So please, don't misinterpret when you read my posts.  I understand your intentions are for the best, but don't project your personal experiences on to mine.  Thanks.  Smiling (click to insert in post)[/quote]
   Yes you did post on the wrong board, if you are searching for validation, on reengaging with BPD. I suggest you do some more research, as your knee jerk reaction, upon putting a name to her illness, is also typical. Most especially, if your intentions are not, to be with this person.

Your concern is most noble, just as many others on this site. We and most likely you, suffer with codependency. This would be much better time spent. Your current girlfriend can say what she wants, and you can believe, what you want to believe. Making a choice to add chaos to your life, is not going to benefit, anyone involved. If you belive so, please explain. The notion that your going to save the day, for her, is a pipe dream, and you know it, or hopefully, soon will. Your support will be misenterpeted. (its a 3-7 yr old mentality) You dont think like BPD. So your motives, and BPDs, is NEVER going to be the same. Even with extensive therapy, her warp thinking will only be curved, not healed, and by a trained individual, not you.  If you would like to answer a question that would benefit you and your current r/s, try this one, " What is it about me, that had me so attracted to, such a damaged person ? , It seems, as I read through all of these posts, you are getting, pretty much the same response, and also show, how this person, has/had you on an emotional roller coaster.  It also seems very apparent, that you are hell bent on FIXING IT... .PEACE  [/quote]
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2010
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« Reply #38 on: January 06, 2012, 07:09:35 PM »

Excerpt
As soon as they know they have you, they withdraw. They begin to devalue you. They don't want to be abandoned so they do things that will be effective in making you leave them first. Sounds so bizarre, but that's how it goes. THEY take control of the departure by leaving first emotionally.

Alas, hijodeganas left first. In the mind of a Borderline, the quote above applies to the process that hijodeganas has taken. The break-up was 30 days ago and he has already moved on to a new partner, blocked and deleted the former partner from social contacts, asked his friends to do the same (which they complied) yet after those harsh sanctions and human shielding, is now considering re-engaging the former partner (while currently involved with a new partner) based upon "helping" her.

Excerpt
I'm wondering, it's been about 2-3 weeks since she called me to harass me about asking my friends not talk to her.

This doesn't sound like harassment, it sounds like hurt. Wouldn't you be hurt if your former partner asked all of their friends not to talk to you?

Excerpt
It's very believable that they would re-engage when it suits them and their needs, no surprise there.

This applies to your actions too.  After asking all of your friends to turn their backs upon her- You're now going to act as though you have a friendship? Your needs to reestablish contact are for what reason? Perhaps to suit you and your needs?

Excerpt
(new girlfriend) She's an extremely understanding person; she also has a exbfPD, so she somewhat understands where I'm coming from.

Unhealed break-ups are not a plus to have in common. Now there's two triangles; you, ex and new girl and new girl, her ex and you. This gives you allot of room to play on the drama triangles and it's very unhealthy to even consider it a benefit to have in a relationship.

Excerpt
to me, accepting a BPD unconditionally is the same as enabling it.

Transference and counter transference are valid roadblocks to acceptance. You'll want to get to acceptance of the disorder. It is a disorder and you are not enabling it if you accept it.

Excerpt
I'm reading cases of exBPDs contacting again after several months, or even years.  Yikes.  Honestly, I'm looking forward to it; it'll be a good test of my resolve.

In light of the fact that you have a new girlfriend, who is struggling with her own break-up woes, this doesn't bode well for anyone's mental health.  It sounds like you are trauma bonded instead.

Excerpt
I'm a psychology major and studies have shown that people who have a passion about something, whether it's music or sports or whatever, can be just as happy single as people in highly functioning relationships.  It's highly unusual but people can achieve happiness without having a SO.

Yes, people can be happy and whole without their lost objects. They shouldn't have to go out and immediately replace them either.  There should be time to heal from loss as well as to "consider" the opportunities for personal growth and introspection. Continuing to engage in a powerful one-up position to someone who is perceived as being BPD just causes more hurt. The outcome of anyone else's personal happiness (other than your own) is not in your hands.  Sometimes it's better to turn the attention to yourself for a change.  Idea



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hijodeganas
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« Reply #39 on: January 06, 2012, 07:14:11 PM »

Interesting evaluation. Although, being virtually all on the negative slant, is also naturally partially invalid.
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #40 on: January 06, 2012, 07:17:08 PM »

Also, 2010, you've made a lot of assumptions about me, one being that you are implying *I* am the one with BPD, which is highly laughable.

Rather than trying to read into what I'm saying and commenting as though I wasn't present, try asking me directly? Would be appreciated.
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LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel
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« Reply #41 on: January 06, 2012, 08:12:38 PM »

Don't

Do

It... .!

Look after you 
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #42 on: January 06, 2012, 08:17:53 PM »

Don't

Do

It... .!

Look after you 

Haha. Simple enough. Thanks.

Yeah, more and more I'm getting the impression I should just stay away... .
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LightAtTheEndOfTheTunnel
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« Reply #43 on: January 06, 2012, 08:43:49 PM »

Don't

Do

It... .!

Look after you 

Haha. Simple enough. Thanks.

Yeah, more and more I'm getting the impression I should just stay away... .

Look at what you have... .you have a new girlfriend and you have your life together (your words).

Concentrate on that... your one of the lucky ones who have been lucky to find love again after such a soul destroying experience with a BPD.

Concentrate on your girlfriend and yourself and your future together. Leave the past be.

Don't triangulate and become as bad as them.

   

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Suzn
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« Reply #44 on: January 06, 2012, 08:45:03 PM »

   I think everyone here is looking out for your best interests. Also most of the members that have been here a while understand BPD fairly well (we arent pros but... ) So we also look out for a pwBPD. I didnt see anything in 2010 comment that suggested you have BPD. Frankly I am very glad you are here because of the fact that you are a student of psychology. You will have a gift of knowledge from this sight you dont get from a classroom if you spend enough time here.

Have you had a chance to look this over...

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?

How about this one...

Workshop - BPD: How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?

There are tons of lessons and workshops here just for your understanding and growth.

This is all at your fingertips... .do with it what you will.

Take care of you  
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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #45 on: January 06, 2012, 08:46:13 PM »

I have posted repeatedly: I have NO desire to save her, and I am not codependent.  My only desire is to inform her of what I've learned and encourage her to get help.

Really, I would have to differ, with your opinion. WE are ALL codependent, in some way or fashion. Just some more than others, and some is healthy, some is not. You being in psychology field, I think, has some what clouded your own judgement. You yourself, in previous post, have mentioned, that only the person with the issues, has the ability to make the changes. You have went from asking everyone you know to unfriend her, to MAYBE IM THE ONE, THAT CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. Because, you have gained a little knowledge. How long did you 2 date or what ever? YOu still havent answered, why you think you were attracted to someone, with such a severe mental illness, and was not able to see this, before you had invested so much. Do you not find it odd, that you are on here posting about your former r/s, while being in the next ? Do you not agree that you have brought some baggage, into your new r/s? You obviously, have moved on, by jumping into the next r/s. Not right or wrong, just IS. Nobody is perfect, and we are all human, psychology major or not. She knows she has issues. It will be alot less painful for her, to continue her ways. She will enjoy the attention, until you turn the mirror her way. I think you should go to her, and tell her of your new found knowledge (that she already knows, and may even know the name). You have also started a triangulation (read definition) game. Its of the healthy variety, for now. Continue the useless game and you will LOSE, and most likely, come away, with a worse feeling, than when you started. It may not be one to you, but rest assure, for now, and most likely for a long time, it will be to her. As long as you play by her rules. Time better served, with your new love. Its not fair to her. Look at just the amount of time you have invested today?. I wish you well.  PEACE  
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BlushAndBashful
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« Reply #46 on: January 06, 2012, 08:50:13 PM »

Haha. Simple enough. Thanks.

Yeah, more and more I'm getting the impression I should just stay away... .

Honestly, I would just say to stay away. My crystal ball says you really don't want to go near this can of worms, no matter how good your intentions are.
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« Reply #47 on: January 06, 2012, 09:38:07 PM »

Excerpt
Also, 2010, you've made a lot of assumptions about me, one being that you are implying *I* am the one with BPD, which is highly laughable.

Rather than trying to read into what I'm saying and commenting as though I wasn't present, try asking me directly? Would be appreciated.

I made no such assumption. But I was "asking you directly" these questions:

Excerpt
I'm wondering, it's been about 2-3 weeks since she called me to harass me about asking my friends not talk to her.

This doesn't sound like harassment, it sounds like hurt. Wouldn't you be hurt if your former partner asked all of their friends not to talk to you?

Excerpt
It's very believable that they would re-engage when it suits them and their needs, no surprise there.

This applies to your actions too.  After asking all of your friends to turn their backs upon her- You're now going to act as though you have a friendship?

Your needs to reestablish contact are for what reason? Perhaps to suit you and your needs?

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hijodeganas
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« Reply #48 on: January 06, 2012, 10:04:52 PM »

Hmm. Perhaps I don't fully understand the definition of codependency then. I really don't care if I see her again. Ultimately that's up to her. Also, if certain conditions are not met I am not interested in any contact with her whatsoever.

However, I'll admit that I still think about her every day. If that constitutes co-depency then I am still codependent.

That's a fair point, about me thinking *I* am the one who can make a difference. I'm starting to think that's highly unrealistic and that really its up to her. I wonder though: if you are ignorant of your own disorder, wouldn't that make it harder? Wouldn't it be helpful to know what's wrong with you?

I was attracted to her because she was an awesome person. Pretty simple. I stayed because I mistakenly attributed her behavior to her being young or to my past history as a "player." I ended it after two and a half months because it was just exhausting.

I find it odd but not unusual that I am another relationship. I expected to be lambasted for it, that's alright.

The more I'm reading and receiving these responses the more I feel I should just get out, and that I would probably offer the most benefit to everyone involved if I just stuck with my very first plan: moving on with my life.

Thanks for your insights and opinion. Much appreciated.

I have posted repeatedly: I have NO desire to save her, and I am not codependent.  My only desire is to inform her of what I've learned and encourage her to get help.

Really, I would have to differ, with your opinion. WE are ALL codependent, in some way or fashion. Just some more than others, and some is healthy, some is not. You being in psychology field, I think, has some what clouded your own judgement. You yourself, in previous post, have mentioned, that only the person with the issues, has the ability to make the changes. You have went from asking everyone you know to unfriend her, to MAYBE IM THE ONE, THAT CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE. Because, you have gained a little knowledge. How long did you 2 date or what ever? YOu still havent answered, why you think you were attracted to someone, with such a severe mental illness, and was not able to see this, before you had invested so much. Do you not find it odd, that you are on here posting about your former r/s, while being in the next ? Do you not agree that you have brought some baggage, into your new r/s? You obviously, have moved on, by jumping into the next r/s. Not right or wrong, just IS. Nobody is perfect, and we are all human, psychology major or not. She knows she has issues. It will be alot less painful for her, to continue her ways. She will enjoy the attention, until you turn the mirror her way. I think you should go to her, and tell her of your new found knowledge (that she already knows, and may even know the name). You have also started a triangulation (read definition) game. Its of the healthy variety, for now. Continue the useless game and you will LOSE, and most likely, come away, with a worse feeling, than when you started. It may not be one to you, but rest assure, for now, and most likely for a long time, it will be to her. As long as you play by her rules. Time better served, with your new love. Its not fair to her. Look at just the amount of time you have invested today?. I wish you well... .PEACE   

Haha. Simple enough. Thanks.

Yeah, more and more I'm getting the impression I should just stay away... .

Honestly, I would just say to stay away. My crystal ball says you really don't want to go near this can of worms, no matter how good your intentions are.

Hmm... .I'm hearing this more and more... .In all honesty, I think I am deceiving myself into thinking I can "help" her even though, realistically, there's probably nothing I can do and that re-engaging is probably a bad idea.

It does make me sad to think she has to suffer like that, maybe for many years, if not the rest of her life.
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #49 on: January 06, 2012, 10:09:44 PM »

I agree. Everyone has their own unique ways of communicating it. Lol

I was never interested in abnormal psychology until recently. I'm more into developmental and educational. I'm taking a keen interest in people's reactions to my situation here.

  I think everyone here is looking out for your best interests. Also most of the members that have been here a while understand BPD fairly well (we arent pros but... ) So we also look out for a pwBPD. I didnt see anything in 2010 comment that suggested you have BPD. Frankly I am very glad you are here because of the fact that you are a student of psychology. You will have a gift of knowledge from this sight you dont get from a classroom if you spend enough time here.

Have you had a chance to look this over...

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?

How about this one...

Workshop - BPD: How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?

There are tons of lessons and workshops here just for your understanding and growth.

This is all at your fingertips... .do with it what you will.

Take care of you  

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married TDH-with high cheekbones that can cut butter.
Posts: 2497


« Reply #50 on: January 06, 2012, 10:12:43 PM »

Hello h:

I present my comments as observations and not as criticisms.  I would appreciate it if you would reflect upon them (not react immediately, but really reflect) and then post (if you'd like to, of course).

It appears to me that you requested advice and opinion.

When the opinion and advice has been in general NOT to reengage, you have bristled at it.

So the questions to ask yourself are these--I am restating some of the questions that 2010 has asked you.

1)  Are you actually looking for approval from the board members to reengage?

2)  Are you eager to use her as a test subject of your "new found" knowledge and understanding of this disorder?

3)  Is your desire to "help" her genuine?  Or is it hubris?  Or perhaps you are using her as an "academic" study.

 Just being a psychology major will not help you to help her for a variety of reasons, some of which I will briefly mention:

        a)  You are not a clinician--and she is not your client.

        b)  You are not a DBT expert.

        c)  You are not fully cognizant of the effects of this disorder on non-BPD people.

4)  You have not defined what that "help" means.  How much time, emotional energy, physical energy, money are you willing to spend on giving her this "help".

5)  How will you prevent yourself from FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt).  Think that if you are so weak that you cannot even resist her for more than 30 days, how can you resist her now?  What exactly has happened to you in these 30 days that has given you strength, wisdom, knowledge, greater experience?

6)  Are you wishing to reengage because you miss the thrill and the adrenaline rush of "high drama"?  If you believe that Peace and Boredom are the same and Excitement and Anxiety are synonymous, then perhaps further life experience and maturity must occur before you even consider reengaging.

As 2010 recommends, indepth and honest reflection and selt-retrospection must be conducted before you take any action regarding reengaging.

God bless.

       

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Humanity is a stream my friend, and each of us individual drops.  How can you then distinguish one from the other?
hijodeganas
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« Reply #51 on: January 06, 2012, 10:48:09 PM »

Initially I was considering re-engaging. I thought it would be best. Now I'm highly doubtful that it would be beneficial.

It is partially to learn, rather experience. But it's pointless if it's not going to be beneficial to anyone.

That's why I'm grateful for this place: people here have more experience than I do. Everyone's input is valuable.

Hello h:

I present my comments as observations and not as criticisms.  I would appreciate it if you would reflect upon them (not react immediately, but really reflect) and then post (if you'd like to, of course).

It appears to me that you requested advice and opinion.

When the opinion and advice has been in general NOT to reengage, you have bristled at it.

So the questions to ask yourself are these--I am restating some of the questions that 2010 has asked you.

1)  Are you actually looking for approval from the board members to reengage?

2)  Are you eager to use her as a test subject of your "new found" knowledge and understanding of this disorder?

3)  Is your desire to "help" her genuine?  Or is it hubris?  Or perhaps you are using her as an "academic" study.

  Just being a psychology major will not help you to help her for a variety of reasons, some of which I will briefly mention:

         a)  You are not a clinician--and she is not your client.

         b)  You are not a DBT expert.

         c)  You are not fully cognizant of the effects of this disorder on non-BPD people.

4)  You have not defined what that "help" means.  How much time, emotional energy, physical energy, money are you willing to spend on giving her this "help".

5)  How will you prevent yourself from FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt).  Think that if you are so weak that you cannot even resist her for more than 30 days, how can you resist her now?  What exactly has happened to you in these 30 days that has given you strength, wisdom, knowledge, greater experience?

6)  Are you wishing to reengage because you miss the thrill and the adrenaline rush of "high drama"?  If you believe that Peace and Boredom are the same and Excitement and Anxiety are synonymous, then perhaps further life experience and maturity must occur before you even consider reengaging.

As 2010 recommends, indepth and honest reflection and selt-retrospection must be conducted before you take any action regarding reengaging.

God bless.

         

There are assumptions imbedded in those questions but I'll answer them.

No, I wouldn't be hurt. Surprised, maybe, but they are HER friends, not mine. It would be understandable.

Yes, I'm not totally altruistic. I want to see if I can handle her better now that I'm aware. It also bothers me to think someone might be suffering without knowing why.

Excerpt
Also, 2010, you've made a lot of assumptions about me, one being that you are implying *I* am the one with BPD, which is highly laughable.

Rather than trying to read into what I'm saying and commenting as though I wasn't present, try asking me directly? Would be appreciated.

I made no such assumption. But I was "asking you directly" these questions:

Excerpt
I'm wondering, it's been about 2-3 weeks since she called me to harass me about asking my friends not talk to her.

This doesn't sound like harassment, it sounds like hurt. Wouldn't you be hurt if your former partner asked all of their friends not to talk to you?

Excerpt
It's very believable that they would re-engage when it suits them and their needs, no surprise there.

This applies to your actions too.  After asking all of your friends to turn their backs upon her- You're now going to act as though you have a friendship?

Your needs to reestablish contact are for what reason? Perhaps to suit you and your needs?


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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #52 on: January 06, 2012, 10:48:35 PM »

I agree. Everyone has their own unique ways of communicating it. Lol

I was never interested in abnormal psychology until recently. I'm more into developmental and educational. I'm taking a keen interest in people's reactions to my situation here.

  I think everyone here is looking out for your best interests. Also most of the members that have been here a while understand BPD fairly well (we arent pros but... ) So we also look out for a pwBPD. I didnt see anything in 2010 comment that suggested you have BPD. Frankly I am very glad you are here because of the fact that you are a student of psychology. You will have a gift of knowledge from this sight you dont get from a classroom if you spend enough time here.

Have you had a chance to look this over...

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?

How about this one...

Workshop - BPD: How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?

There are tons of lessons and workshops here just for your understanding and growth.

This is all at your fingertips.  do with it what you will.

Take care of you  


The kicker to all of this. Is if you truly do, discover your truth. All of this sticks out like a sore thumb. Chances are pretty good, there were many red flags, all through out your r/s. People can act, for only a certain amount of time, and even then they will tell, and show, whom they really are, including you, me and everybody else. Maybe you will take a keen intrest, in finding your truth. One does not have to meet you, to see what you are telling them. They are your words. Words that you have carefully typed. Look through, just this post, it tells plenty, whether you realize it or not. You have talked about her, and it is really about you.  PEACE
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hijodeganas
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Posts: 492


« Reply #53 on: January 06, 2012, 11:25:31 PM »

1)  Are you actually looking for approval from the board members to reengage?

No, not at all.

2)  Are you eager to use her as a test subject of your "new found" knowledge and understanding of this disorder?

No, I don't think so. But I am curious about it.

3)  Is your desire to "help" her genuine?  Or is it hubris?  Or perhaps you are using her as an "academic" study.

A bit of both.

I'm on my phone and it's about to die so I'll continue later, sorry.

 Just being a psychology major will not help you to help her for a variety of reasons, some of which I will briefly mention:

        a)  You are not a clinician--and she is not your client.

        b)  You are not a DBT expert.

        c)  You are not fully cognizant of the effects of this disorder on non-BPD people.

4)  You have not defined what that "help" means.  How much time, emotional energy, physical energy, money are you willing to spend on giving her this "help".

5)  How will you prevent yourself from FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt).  Think that if you are so weak that you cannot even resist her for more than 30 days, how can you resist her now?  What exactly has happened to you in these 30 days that has given you strength, wisdom, knowledge, greater experience?

6)  Are you wishing to reengage because you miss the thrill and the adrenaline rush of "high drama"?  If you believe that Peace and Boredom are the same and Excitement and Anxiety are synonymous, then perhaps further life experience and maturity must occur before you even consider reengaging.

As 2010 recommends, indepth and honest reflection and selt-retrospection must be conducted before you take any action regarding reengaging.

God bless.

        [/quote]
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #54 on: January 06, 2012, 11:28:31 PM »

My Friend,  You hit the nail on its head when you said, "I want to see if I can handle her better... ."



This is Taming of the Shrew syndrome.  :)on't google it, the term is my invention of 10 seconds ago.

She is feral indeed.  You wish to domesticate her.  In return you want her eternal gratitude and admiration.  Can you even begin to see the moral implications of this stance?

Yes, I do believe you when you say that it hurts you to see her suffer.  Well, you should explore this board further, more specifically, pay attention to the threads where BPD sufferers have been told by the people who love them of this diagnosis, or even that they may have some mental disorder.

Your altruism is laudable.  It is what makes you human.  One of the criteria of mental disorder in the DSM manual is "absence of altruism".

The general consensus is that even though your impulse may be right, even if your impulse may be only to help her, even then, it is not advisable for you to act upon it.  Your altruism is misplaced.  You should not hesitate to develop your study of psychology further into abnormal psychology area, or to help as a volunteer on a suicide hotline, or volunteer to help in a mental health facility... .your altruism can take many other forms.  Forms, which will teach you a lot while simultaneously protecting from your ego (I use this term now in a clinical sense) from getting damaged.

I am very proud of you because you sought feedback.  

Hell is paved with good intentions... .and Thoreau never said that the cure for love is to love the same person more.  It is not that you did not love her enough.  Love, as you will understand when you read about this disorder more, is not in itself or by itself a cure for mental disorder.

Seek peace, and light and good health my friend... .

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hijodeganas
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Posts: 492


« Reply #55 on: January 07, 2012, 12:53:06 AM »

1)  Are you actually looking for approval from the board members to reengage?

At a computer now, so I'll try to answer properly: No, I'm not.

2)  Are you eager to use her as a test subject of your "new found" knowledge and understanding of this disorder?

Not exactly.  Though I am curious what it would be like to interact with her now that I'm more aware.

3)  Is your desire to "help" her genuine?  Or is it hubris?  Or perhaps you are using her as an "academic" study.

Like I said, I am curious, but if I cannot offer her any genuine help, there would be no point and I'd rather move on with my life.

 Just being a psychology major will not help you to help her for a variety of reasons, some of which I will briefly mention:

        a)  You are not a clinician--and she is not your client.

        b)  You are not a DBT expert.

        c)  You are not fully cognizant of the effects of this disorder on non-BPD people.

This is totally true.  I have little to no knowledge of PDs in general, much less BPD.


4)  You have not defined what that "help" means.  How much time, emotional energy, physical energy, money are you willing to spend on giving her this "help".

This is an excellent question.  In all honesty, I'm not sure.  Monetarily, none.  Other than that, whatever I can afford, which I've come to realize is probably not going to be enough... .

5)  How will you prevent yourself from FOG (Fear/Obligation/Guilt).  Think that if you are so weak that you cannot even resist her for more than 30 days, how can you resist her now?  What exactly has happened to you in these 30 days that has given you strength, wisdom, knowledge, greater experience?

Another excellent question.  It's hard to explain really.  Awareness has helped.  My friends and family were extremely helpful.  I've gotten back into self-improvement and self-development, something I was really into several years ago, and I feel like I'm getting my perspective back.  Getting active again was also immensely helpful.

But I am not so delusional that I think it's "enough" yet.  My last remaining fear is how to handle seeing/meeting her again.  I haven't seen her since the break up so I really don't know how I would handle dealing with her face to face.  I think I could but I'm really not sure.

However, day to day life has gotten back to normal and my current perspective on the situation is fantastic.  I'm actually grateful for it; I feel sometimes we need a kick in the pants to get our stuff together once in awhile, and this was the "gift" I received from the experience.

6)  Are you wishing to reengage because you miss the thrill and the adrenaline rush of "high drama"?  If you believe that Peace and Boredom are the same and Excitement and Anxiety are synonymous, then perhaps further life experience and maturity must occur before you even consider reengaging.

Absolutely not.  I had more than enough of that while we're together.  You asked previously something else that helped me.  Martin Seligman, a psychologist who created Positive Psychology, was a great help.  I realize the the "drug" like feeling of being with a BPD is not happiness.  It doesn't; it CAN'T last.  I want lasting happiness, and I have that from every other aspect of my life right now.  Like I said, my current GF brings me peace, and I'm crazy about her for it.

As 2010 recommends, indepth and honest reflection and selt-retrospection must be conducted before you take any action regarding reengaging.

God bless.

       

Thanks a ton for the great questions.  Very eye opening.
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hijodeganas
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Posts: 492


« Reply #56 on: January 07, 2012, 12:57:11 AM »

My Friend,  You hit the nail on its head when you said, "I want to see if I can handle her better... ."



This is Taming of the Shrew syndrome.  :)on't google it, the term is my invention of 10 seconds ago.

She is feral indeed.  You wish to domesticate her.  In return you want her eternal gratitude and admiration.  Can you even begin to see the moral implications of this stance?

Yes, I do believe you when you say that it hurts you to see her suffer.  Well, you should explore this board further, more specifically, pay attention to the threads where BPD sufferers have been told by the people who love them of this diagnosis, or even that they may have some mental disorder.

Your altruism is laudable.  It is what makes you human.  One of the criteria of mental disorder in the DSM manual is "absence of altruism".

The general consensus is that even though your impulse may be right, even if your impulse may be only to help her, even then, it is not advisable for you to act upon it.  Your altruism is misplaced.  You should not hesitate to develop your study of psychology further into abnormal psychology area, or to help as a volunteer on a suicide hotline, or volunteer to help in a mental health facility... .your altruism can take many other forms.  Forms, which will teach you a lot while simultaneously protecting from your ego (I use this term now in a clinical sense) from getting damaged.

I am very proud of you because you sought feedback.  

Hell is paved with good intentions... .and Thoreau never said that the cure for love is to love the same person more.  It is not that you did not love her enough.  Love, as you will understand when you read about this disorder more, is not in itself or by itself a cure for mental disorder.

Seek peace, and light and good health my friend... .

yes and no.  As has been typical so far, you seem to be projecting your experiences or stories on to me.

No, I don't expect any gratitude from her.  I know well enough I'll never get it.

But yes, I do feel like I want to "conquer" this, and that might be a pipe dream.  I want to do it for myself, not for her.  I know my moral stance on this.

Thank you for the thread suggestions.  I'll definitely check them out; I'm sure they'll be of help.

Your idea about redirecting my altruism is fantastic.  Thanks a lot.  In the very least, I want to take my insight and energy and point it at something useful.  If this specific girl is beyond reach, so be it.  I'm fine with that.  But it would be comforting to know I can get SOMETHING out of the experience.  Thank you so much.

Very nice insight on my Thoreau quote... .excellent point there... .

Still got lots of learning to do.
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hijodeganas
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Posts: 492


« Reply #57 on: January 07, 2012, 12:58:37 AM »

We'll agree to disagree.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I agree. Everyone has their own unique ways of communicating it. Lol

I was never interested in abnormal psychology until recently. I'm more into developmental and educational. I'm taking a keen interest in people's reactions to my situation here.

  I think everyone here is looking out for your best interests. Also most of the members that have been here a while understand BPD fairly well (we arent pros but... ) So we also look out for a pwBPD. I didnt see anything in 2010 comment that suggested you have BPD. Frankly I am very glad you are here because of the fact that you are a student of psychology. You will have a gift of knowledge from this sight you dont get from a classroom if you spend enough time here.

Have you had a chance to look this over...

Workshop - BPD: Understanding the borderline mind/what's in the head of someone with BPD?

How about this one...

Workshop - BPD: How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?

There are tons of lessons and workshops here just for your understanding and growth.

This is all at your fingertips... .do with it what you will.

Take care of you  


The kicker to all of this. Is if you truly do, discover your truth. All of this sticks out like a sore thumb. Chances are pretty good, there were many red flags, all through out your r/s. People can act, for only a certain amount of time, and even then they will tell, and show, whom they really are, including you, me and everybody else. Maybe you will take a keen intrest, in finding your truth. One does not have to meet you, to see what you are telling them. They are your words. Words that you have carefully typed. Look through, just this post, it tells plenty, whether you realize it or not. You have talked about her, and it is really about you... .PEACE

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loveisblind
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« Reply #58 on: January 07, 2012, 01:32:08 AM »

I broke up with a borderline about a month ago and only recently found out that she has BPD.  I've moved on (got a new GF, got my life together), but with my new found awareness I feel that I could be of more help to her, as a friend.

I am shocked at how fast you moved on... .I'm not trying to make assumptions but are you dating this new girl as a rebound? I mean a month doesn't seem very long to just recover. How long were you together? Were you in love? Again I'm not judging I'm just curious. How does your new girlfriend feel about you reconnecting with a girlfriend that you had just an intense relationship with.

Also I have wanted to reconnect as a "friend" but it is impossible. We can't force them to get treatment but more importantly it's up to them to gain self actualization. You can't undo the illness.

I struggle everyday NOT to break NC and so does everyone on this board. Stay strong.
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #59 on: January 07, 2012, 05:39:28 AM »

I am too, quite frankly.    Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I do feel that I was in love with my exuBPDgf, but my only explanation is that my experience was much shorter than most people's (only two and a half months).  That, plus years of self-improvement.

Quite honestly, I was.  I never really explained my situation with the current r/s.  I've known the girl 5 years.  We've been friends that long.  We started REALLY getting along last year, almost all year, but we both wound up in our separate r/s's.  We also wound up breaking up at the same time, still keeping in touch.  She's also leaving in March, taking a year long internship abroad.  I had no plans to start a r/s so soon, but I can't explain it, it just made sense.  I'm sure I'll receive my criticisms for it, so be it.  I'm very happy in it, and by happy I don't mean "roller coaster ride" happy, I mean "sitting quietly on the beach at night, peacefully" happy.

My current GF was obviously anxious about me considering reconnecting with the ex, but she was also very understanding.  However, I have since changed my mind (I made a new post on L3).  Virtually everyone has said what you said in one way or another: it's not possible and not worth it; it's hard enough to stay away, much less re-engage or be re-engaged.  I've been going over it, and I have to agree.

Thanks for your considerate post and questions.

I broke up with a borderline about a month ago and only recently found out that she has BPD.  I've moved on (got a new GF, got my life together), but with my new found awareness I feel that I could be of more help to her, as a friend.

I am shocked at how fast you moved on... .I'm not trying to make assumptions but are you dating this new girl as a rebound? I mean a month doesn't seem very long to just recover. How long were you together? Were you in love? Again I'm not judging I'm just curious. How does your new girlfriend feel about you reconnecting with a girlfriend that you had just an intense relationship with.

Also I have wanted to reconnect as a "friend" but it is impossible. We can't force them to get treatment but more importantly it's up to them to gain self actualization. You can't undo the illness.

I struggle everyday NOT to break NC and so does everyone on this board. Stay strong.

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