What is this Fairytale "Honeymoon Phase" People Speak Of

[avoidatallcost]

Ok so all the articles on BPD talk about an initial honeymoon phase, where life with the BP is perfect and they seem like the perfect person for you and they want to do all the things you like to do and they have sex with you all the time etc.  How come I never experienced any of this?  Life with my BP from Month 1 was like hell on earth.  Except for the constant supply of sex, which of course dried out as soon as it became clear to my BP that I was attached.

Anyone else miss out on this honeymoon phase?  Of course things weren't exactly the hell on earth that they became later on in our 1 year "relationship," but I have to admit from the beginning I pretty much knew this person was not exactly marriage material, if you know what I mean!

[marbleloser]

 In my case, she loved being with me,liked the same things I did,couldn't get enough of me, and as far as sex,did everything she could to please me. We didn't even have to "do" anything.Just sit and talk.It was enough for her just to be near me.She was always hugging me,telling me she loved me,thanked me for any little thing I did for her, and would go out of her way to help me with anything.If I wanted to see her,she'd drop everything and come see me,even if for just 10 minutes. Some days we'd just take drives in the country.She'd hold my hand,talk to me,sing along with the radio.I loved every minute of being with her.She made me feel alive and like a man again.Something I had long lost with my nonBP wife.For the duration of the RS,I was on top of the world.I never got the devalueing or rages everyone else here seemed to have gotten. We were planning on spending the rest of our lives together.

Also,she was a great cook,knew everything about anything,and even gave me tips on household chores,because I'm usually the one doing that.She'd share little tidbits of how to make my cleaning easier so I wouldn't have so much to do at home.She told me that when we're together,I won't have to worry about that any more.That I deserve someone to love me and do things for me for a change.

I have to admit,it all sounded too good to be true,and it was.I thought I had someone that appreciated "me" and someone I loved and appreciated in return.In the end,I had to manipulate and hurt her so she'd paint me black.It was best for us both.It's better for her to hate me and cast the blame to me.She had so much shame she had to deal with already.She didn't need any from me.And,I didnt need someone that I couldn't trust or that would manipulate me to get their way.

[alcochoc]

ditto avoidatallcost... .DITTO

[GP44]

First 10.5 months - absolute bliss

Last month together - still very, very good. Thought we were transitioning into a more stable and comfortable phase of our relationship.

Then the abrupt breakup.

[backontop]

I'm glad you said it, because I was feeling like the only one who got seriously ripped off!  My r/s sucked from the very beginning,   Which made me feel more lime a sucker for sticking it out when I should have run lime the wind from the very start.  My waif was super needy and CRAZY from the first day I met him.   I was bored and it seemed exciting.   The joke was on me:)

[avoidatallcost]

I know what you mean... when I first started going out with my BP I was thinking there is no way in hell I could get seriously involved with someone like this.  She told me she wanted an "open relationship" so I knew what kind of person I was dealing with here.  But another girl I was seeing at the time fell through, and I started spending more and more time with my BP. 

Before I knew it, I was hooked.  The entire time after I realized I was hooked, I was praying for a way out of the relationship.  Every day in this relationship with her was like hell on earth.  How she has even managed to maintain some semblance of normalcy with the new guy after 4 months is completely beyond me.  It must be the new medication she's on, but this no doubt will not last long!   

[saxon747]

Mine (honeymoon period) lasted about 3 months then it went downhill from there. Thought it was bitterness from her dumping her H for him cheating on her and that I could make her happy which I did for a bit. Then the real person showed up and I realized you can't make a depressed/unhappy person happy, fact! Oh she is happy now with my replacement but that will change in time, poor soul she's got him duped!

[hithere]

The part I don't get about your stories is how you got hooked without the idealization phase.

If things were crappy off the get-go then what made you stay?  ?

For me the idealization phase was around 8 months long, she looked at me like I was a king, she could not say enough good things about me to her family and friends (I am sure it made them sic), she was always hugging me, kissing me and wanting lots of sex.  It wasn't until I got laid-off that I saw the BPD rage directed at me.  Truthfully all the red flags were there from the beginning but they are easy to ignore because you want to believe in the fairy tale.

[avoidatallcost]

Well for me, things were ok like any other relationship I guess.  It just wasn't the perfect "wow I've finally found my soulmate" kind of happiness that is so often reported by other members here and by other important books and articles on the subject. 

And like a lot of other men and women who did not really enjoy a perfect "honeymoon phase," I thought that things would get better. 

[Robhart]

They have a 6th sense of what boundaries to push and when.

By the end I was in such denial I lived with behaviors I would have ever considered up front.

Maybe for some BPDs it's like fishing. They  put the hook in the water without bait and still catch something.

[backontop]

The part I don't get about your stories is how you got hooked without the idealization phase.

If things were crappy off the get-go then what made you stay?  ?

For me the idealization phase was around 8 months long, she looked at me like I was a king, she could not say enough good things about me to her family and friends (I am sure it made them sic), she was always hugging me, kissing me and wanting lots of sex.  It wasn't until I got laid-off that I saw the BPD rage directed at me.  Truthfully all the red flags were there from the beginning but they are easy to ignore because you want to believe in the fairy tale.

I ask myself that EVERY day... .and I was mystified at first.   It was my need to rescue, and an attraction to drama... .all my stuff.    Non-existant boundaries and a guy who would not leave your side for ten seconds was the hook that got me hopelessly entangled,  completing the toxic cocktail-  which I readily drank!  Codepency at it's best 

[Neverknow]

They have a 6th sense of what boundaries to push and when.

By the end I was in such denial I lived with behaviors I would have ever considered up front.

Maybe for some BPDs it's like fishing. They  put the hook in the water without bait and still catch something.

I have said that if my BPD w had told me the truth up front, I would have run screaming in the other direction.  They know this, too, and that is why you will never get the truth out of them until you pull it out.  And, by then, you are in deep.

[NewStart]

Mine lasted about 4 months and there were red flags everywhere.  It was too good to be true she just wanted to spend EVERY second with me and yes from something like date #2 it was sex 24/7... .I'm ashamed of this but it didn't matter if my kids were home, her daughter was home... .anything my heart desired... .I was the best etc. etc. etc... . |>  |>  |>

She bought me gifts and wrote me these beautiful cards that painted me as the most amazing person to ever come into her life.  A friend of hers actually told me, "I've never heard her ever talk about anyone the way she talks about you, she said you are her moon and stars... ."  She would sit at my feet and just look at me with these giant puppy eyes if someone else had my attentionred-flag   She told me she finally met someone "strong enough to be her man"  |>  All strangely SO obviously over the topred-flag  

One night I just wanted to spend an afternoon skiing with just my buddies as we had done EVERYTHING together for four months... .well she FREAKED!  She had got a baby sitter and was going to the bar to 'find someone who wants to spend time with me!' and ended up curled up on her bed sobbing uncontrolably  |>

Then it started, slowly but surely with ignoring texts from me and then the triangulation (read definition) with old BF's... .at that point it really seemed to become all about keeping me off balance.

I don't know what's better, to have never had a honeymoon phase or to not have?

[avoidatallcost]

I don't know what's better, to have never had a honeymoon phase or to not have?

This is very true!  I think it's even worse for the members out there who thought they had found their soulmate and the woman/man of their dreams!  It must be at least a little more shocking... but I have to add that my post break up pain seems to be every bit as horrible and intense as everyone else's out there.  It's just as hurtful and takes just as long to get over.  These relationships, for some reason, have a way of hurting you really really bad.  I have dumped women and been dumped before but nothing ever hurt quite as much as my BPD relationship and the ensuing break up.

[NewStart]

Avoidatallcosts - That's what I'm thinking... .if it was never 'the one' then it's probably easier to move forward right?

Be happy you didn't have the honeymoon phase as THAT is what so many of us have such a hard time getting past.

[avoidatallcost]

Don't get me wrong in this early phase my BP had an amazing ability to make me feel great!  We loved doing a lot of the same things, though I'm not quite sure she mirrored me to the extent that a lot of other posters here have described.  I thought that like any r/s the two of us shared certain commonalities.  She could be so loving, but she maintained her distance too which made me try all the more to get her to be affectionate again! 

But as great as this phase was, and some of these times with her were indeed the happiest times in my life, I still can't help but feel as if though I missed out on a genuine "honeymoon" phase where I thought I had met my soulmate and the woman I can spend the rest of my life with.

At times I may have felt this way, that I could marry her, but even in this phase I was thinking to myself, "how can I continue with this woman after what she's done to me?"

[Gus926]

Mine lasted about 4 months and there were red flags everywhere.  It was too good to be true she just wanted to spend EVERY second with me and yes from something like date #2 it was sex 24/7... .I'm ashamed of this but it didn't matter if my kids were home, her daughter was home... .anything my heart desired... .I was the best etc. etc. etc... . |>  |>  |>

She bought me gifts and wrote me these beautiful cards that painted me as the most amazing person to ever come into her life.  A friend of hers actually told me, "I've never heard her ever talk about anyone the way she talks about you, she said you are her moon and stars... ."  She would sit at my feet and just look at me with these giant puppy eyes if someone else had my attentionred-flag   She told me she finally met someone "strong enough to be her man"  |>  All strangely SO obviously over the topred-flag  

Do we know the same woman?

Mine was textbook.  The idealization, the mirroring, the mind-blowing sex anytime, anything, anywhere, the staring at me with "googley" eyes, the wanting to spend every minute together just enjoying each other's company, etc... .  I was in heaven, I was the luckiest guy in the world.  She was drop-dead gorgeous, she was perfect, she wanted me, and she was all mine... .or so I thought.

"You are the best at sex", "You are the best kisser", "You are the best cook", "I've finally met my dream man", blah, blah, blah... .

[Sailskier]

This is the phase that hooks you.  It is your first experience with such an exciting, "emotionally available", consistent, and childlike innocent "honesty. 

But suddenly, he is gone, you don't know who he is, you are painted black.  At which point, you are looking to bring back the guy you met in the very beginning.  That guy is gone, he was the opening act…he never comes out again until the show opens in another city.

It's like crack on steroids, sprinkled with angel dust.

[avoidatallcost]

But suddenly, he is gone, you don't know who he is, you are painted black.  At which point, you are looking to bring back the guy you met in the very beginning.  That guy is gone, he was the opening act…he never comes out again until the show opens in another city.

It's like the harder you try to win him or her back, the more resolved he or she becomes in finding a replacement for you.

[Sailskier]

But suddenly, he is gone, you don't know who he is, you are painted black.  At which point, you are looking to bring back the guy you met in the very beginning.  That guy is gone, he was the opening act…he never comes out again until the show opens in another city.

It's like the harder you try to win him or her back, the more resolved he or she becomes in finding a replacement for you.

Not meaning to hijack the thread, but in line w' what you said, the fear of engulfment may be play.  This may be the point where the BPD feels that he/she is losing the control they have over themselves. If they lose the little of who they think they are... .they lose their sense of self... .which they know is fragile.  They flee onto someone who may rescue them from this event.  I started a thread earlier on the question of their feeling abandoned vs. engulfed... I'm still confused, but a bit clearer

[mermaid8]

This is the phase that hooks you.  It is your first experience with such an exciting, "emotionally available", consistent, and childlike innocent "honesty. 

But suddenly, he is gone, you don't know who he is, you are painted black.  At which point, you are looking to bring back the guy you met in the very beginning.  That guy is gone, he was the opening act…he never comes out again until the show opens in another city.

It's like crack on steroids, sprinkled with angel dust.

Very well put Helena!

My first year of my 3 yr r/s was like I had finally found what I had waited my whole life for. A man who would finally treat me the way that "I deserved" to be treated. Honestly in the beginning he was SOO accommodating and so honest with his feelings and emotions that it felt too good to be true. Early on he wore his heart on his sleeve. Told both of my parents after dating me for one month that he would "always treat Mermaid like the princess she deserves to be"... ."I will NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt her heart". I mean, can you actually believe he SAID THIS? To my parents? My dad still jokes and tells me that he told (ex) "well if you do hurt her you will have to deal with me... .Mermaid has a big heart and I do hope you are sincere". I will say that after the first 10 months, he started to make comments about being depressed and those were   sred-flag ... .But other than that, it was wonderful. It definitely hooked me. If he had behaved in the beginning the way he did the second year, I would have been long out of there. It was that honeymoon phase that hooked me... .and I was in a constant search for bring back that man and that time again! He made sure to actually listen to everything that I would say and he had this memory for knowing my likes and dislikes and he was so attentive, thoughtful. He would shower me with cards and notes and little thoughtful gifts that would make anyone's heart melt. This is what makes a r/s with a pwBPD such a mind f***... .Because there is no big issue that made him change his feelings towards me and treat me like I was annoyance rather than someone that he couldn't get  enough of... .literally! Being in a PBD r/s makes me feel like I was almost brainwashed. The situation made me (and still does) think that I am crazy. I know I'm not but it's how it makes me feel.

Anyway, that is my experience with the honeymoon phase... .Just about everything he said to me during this phase could be turned around to mean the exact opposite by the end of our r/s. "I want to spend forever with you Mermaid"... ."I cannot be a boyfriend Mermaid" ... ."I want to marry you and take care of you Mermaid"... ."I could never do the marriage thing or the 24/7 thing Mermaid"... ."I miss you Mermaid, when do I get to see you again?"... ."Um, I am busy and not sure if I have time to go to xyz and see you this weekend Mermaid"... .and the list goes on with the craziness... .

[avoidatallcost]

But suddenly, he is gone, you don't know who he is, you are painted black.  At which point, you are looking to bring back the guy you met in the very beginning.  That guy is gone, he was the opening act…he never comes out again until the show opens in another city.

It's like the harder you try to win him or her back, the more resolved he or she becomes in finding a replacement for you.

Not meaning to hijack the thread, but in line w' what you said, the fear of engulfment may be play. 

Does anyone have any experience as to whether medication can at least manage the BP's fear of abandonment/engulfment?  I know that certain drugs can improve the interpersonal relationships of BP's, but does anyone have any first hand knowledge whether drugs can actually prevent things such as the fear of abandonment and engulfment, push-pull tactics, triangulation (read definition), and mean put-downs?

[mermaid8]

Does anyone have any experience as to whether medication can at least manage the BP's fear of abandonment/engulfment?  I know that certain drugs can improve the interpersonal relationships of BP's, but does anyone have any first hand knowledge whether drugs can actually prevent things such as the fear of abandonment and engulfment, push-pull tactics, triangulation (read definition), and mean put-downs?

I am pretty certain that some meds can help with rages and other self harm behavior or eating disorders related to the BPD but as far as the push pull tactics and abondonment/engulfment, I don't think so. I believe based on what I have read that these deep core issues are usually treated with the DBT and the pwBPD learns coping and new ways of thinking. T plus meds is usually the way to go. One or the other is not a substitute for the other. Unlike Bipolar disorder or other mental illnesses that are more physiologically based, respond to medication sometimes solely. But BPD is a personality disorder that is not solely rooted in a brain chemistry issue. I am not of course an expert but based on what I have learned this is what I know.

[Sailskier]

I don't think meds are effective Avoid.  I'm no expert, but from what I've learned, meds stabilize moods and may have impact on the impulsive behavior that causes them to dysregulate, flee impulsively, etc. But the abandonment/engulf issue is due to arrested emotional growth at the age of 3.  I suppose that only therapy... .lots of it... .is the only effective treatment.

[hijodeganas]

Wow. This is intriguing to me. It seems there are a variety of honeymoon phases. The depth and durations vary considerably.

For me, it started mildly. Little comments and gestures for a couple months, then got very heavy for a few weeks, then went downhill.

The honeymoon phase is what hooked me. When she started dysregulating I assumed the honeymoon her was the "real" her which she would return to once she got to know me and trust me better.

The honeymoon phase plus a couple other things worked against me:

1. I had considerable experience with women, so I was pretty used to emotional volatility. I considered this a challenge I wanted to conquer (and i assumed a return to the honeymoon phase would be my reward).

2. Also as a result I was very confident in my abilities as a boyfriend, so I was sure we could overcome any problems we had and that she would be appreciative if I simply cared enough.

3. She was young, so I assumed it may have just been immaturity (but that it would stabilize little by little eventually).

[spiralthorns]

Our "honeymoon phase" happened online, so there was no constant awesome sex. Our sex was never good (or wanted on my end) and frankly I'm not even sure if the relationship was either. You're not alone.

[darkstar]

Our honeymoon was "online" too. Long distance. So I had just words, and I was believing all of them. On our first real meeting 2-3 Month later I noticed already that her words and her actions are a bit different. I was confused because she was very not clingy or something like this... she just wanted sex most of the time. But nothing like I was used... like just hugging and talk... .kissing... it all ended just always in sex. Then her weird sleeping behavior,  it was almost impossible to fall asleep together... .like couples "do". After this 2 weeks of sexhoneymoon, the chaos started right after her leaving... I knew she was crazy since that moment... but I felt so alone before we met I have to admit now, that I thought I am in love with chaos and craziness... the rest of the almost 4 years would fill a book. So I stop here.

[hithere]

I think the problem with meds is that the disorder has such a wide spectrum of problems that no one medication would ever help and after a cocktail of three of four meds the person would likely not be able to function.

[realityhurts]

The honeymoon phase is what hooked me. When she started dysregulating I assumed the honeymoon her was the "real" her which she would return to once she got to know me and trust me better.

The honeymoon phase plus a couple other things worked against me:

1. I had considerable experience with women, so I was pretty used to emotional volatility. I considered this a challenge I wanted to conquer (and i assumed a return to the honeymoon phase would be my reward).

2. Also as a result I was very confident in my abilities as a boyfriend, so I was sure we could overcome any problems we had and that she would be appreciative if I simply cared enough.

Wow hijodeganas, ditto ditto, ditto and ditto.

My honeymoon phase was absolutley awesome, I was completely blown away by it. Here was the most fascinating creature I'd ever met placing me high on a pedestal... Of course, she couldn't have done it alone. I was her willing, complicit partner and I placed her on an equally high pedestal... .

Of course, when things started turning sour after a couple of years I was so used to the dynamic that I thought it was normal... If even a fantastically special kind of normal.

The new person was unrecognisable, full of resentment, malice, lies, projection, blame and barely functioning as a human being. A super super victim constantly sabotaging her own, mine and and our future.

If I'd known the real ex from the start rather than the fake that I was presented with then I'd NEVER have got involved.

Without the honeymoon, I wouldn't be here.

[hijodeganas]

The honeymoon phase is what hooked me. When she started dysregulating I assumed the honeymoon her was the "real" her which she would return to once she got to know me and trust me better.

The honeymoon phase plus a couple other things worked against me:

1. I had considerable experience with women, so I was pretty used to emotional volatility. I considered this a challenge I wanted to conquer (and i assumed a return to the honeymoon phase would be my reward).

2. Also as a result I was very confident in my abilities as a boyfriend, so I was sure we could overcome any problems we had and that she would be appreciative if I simply cared enough.

Wow hijodeganas, ditto ditto, ditto and ditto.

My honeymoon phase was absolutley awesome, I was completely blown away by it. Here was the most fascinating creature I'd ever met placing me high on a pedestal... Of course, she couldn't have done it alone. I was her willing, complicit partner and I placed her on an equally high pedestal... .

Of course, when things started turning sour after a couple of years I was so used to the dynamic that I thought it was normal... If even a fantastically special kind of normal.

The new person was unrecognisable, full of resentment, malice, lies, projection, blame and barely functioning as a human being. A super super victim constantly sabotaging her own, mine and and our future.

If I'd known the real ex from the start rather than the fake that I was presented with then I'd NEVER have got involved.

Without the honeymoon, I wouldn't be here.

You touched upon another aspect that also hooked me: my uBPDexgf was definitely unique. I had never dated a girl like her before. I started to think that the hater side to her may just have been "part of the deal," so to speak, of getting such an ideal woman.

I also probably learned my biggest lesson about relationships as a result.