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Author Topic: she's a BPD sufferer , not a predator  (Read 4999 times)
squashed.human

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« on: March 16, 2013, 06:51:07 AM »

I'm not on this side of the board to ask for help . I'm already posting on L1 , but as i roam and Read around this valuable site . I stumble with article by Roger Melton , about how the love evolves for person suffering from BPD , the article shock me coz it doesn't go in harmony with the site theme , the article mainly addressed the BPD as "she" , based on that majority of BPD are females but the shocking thing is if i don't know my beloved one or had just met her not long ago , i would be convinced that I'm just a meal in her food chain, feeding her emotional needs through 3 phases (that I'm not even willing to share them in the post) and then sooner or later ,she moves on to the next one as a hungry predator. Maybe I'm upset at the article coz it does include so much true things that i faced but it includes some points that are not at all in the personal traits , morals or ethics of my beloved one. And the article would severely injure the self esteem of any one with BPD and will confuse them greatly more than it confused me for a moment. I'm not asking for the article to be removed but at least not to generalized and also i highly recommend the article to be hidden some way from members suffering BPD
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« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2013, 07:44:44 AM »

I do understand what you are saying here.  I read that and was instantly filled with fear.  It still creeps in now and again, but I'm learning that isn't necessarily how things have to be.  I'm hopeful.  I'm not naive enough to believe it couldn't happen to me though I hope it doesn't come to that.
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« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2013, 07:53:46 AM »

This site in not for members with BPD hence to a degree it is hidden away. Many areas of this site will be triggering for a person with BPD, especially the Healing and Ending Boards. As a rule members with BPD would be advised against participating on this site.

As far as the "tone" of that article goes I do know what you mean. I also thought at first it sounded a tad bitter. To a Stayers mind set (as I am) it is a harshly worded warning. But the simple fact is as you experience more and more of what others go through that harshness becomes more like the reality many do go through. It may not be for you or me but it is for many.

The process may not be the deliberate evil scheming that it may at first read like, but rather the result of thoughtless (lack of empathy) and defensive behavior that is part of the disorder. The results are often the same, regardless of intent.

It is better the harsh warnings then to find your circumstances are not as bad, rather than find you underestimated the depths of it.

For those not aware of this article the link being discussed is

   

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves
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squashed.human

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« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2013, 08:20:34 AM »

thank you for your words and encouragement . I understand that the fire alarm can't be made my some nice violin tunes or piano , it must be bold and annoying enough to hustle you to run away from the fire . But he didn't tell what can we do to help the fire starter who could be innocent and doing it unintentionally. The alarm simply and only say "save your skin" i didn't think that for three years and i won't start thinking it now though I'm even upset at my self coz part telling me that writer knows better and i should stop this path
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« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2013, 08:32:51 AM »

I dont think the goal is to protect the BPD but to inform the family member or loved one.  This website isnt even for them, its for us.

There is a reason we entered a relationship with someone with BPD. 

One of the first things that you learn is why that is.  It helps you to be able to progress in the relationship or let it go.  I'm sorry, but they are manipulative and if I wasnt warned I would have continued to feel it was my fault.

I dont feel its on purpose, I think its an innate neediness and wanting that never ends for them. Its a horrible illness. The manipulation is for self survival.  I love my BPD with all my heart but overlooking the bad keeps us in the dark, and that is what we are here for.  To learn.

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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2013, 08:41:09 AM »

I feel that there are two points to this, firstly that this site is for family, friends and partners of a pwBPD, generally not the sufferer. I think I read somewhere that we are discouraged from drawing their attention to the site as there are many things that would be disturbing to any sufferer and none of us would want that. The site is more about support and learning for us, not the pwBPD, there are other sites specifically for the sufferer if they want that type of support.

Secondly, I feel that the article reflects the transition of a relationship of an untreated BP when there is no knowledge or understanding of the disorder by the non. Circumstances, traits and situations can vary, but there is a common theme in these relationships.

With knowledge and understanding, we can make the difficult decisions that have to be made, are we prepared to put in the work to improve both the relationship and ourselves, and it is work, there's no denying that part, or do we walk away?

There is no question that this is a very personal choice, and the article should not be viewed as the answer in itself, but as part of the toolbox available to us non to formulate our own opinions of how and where we want these relationships to go.

Just my thoughts... .  
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squashed.human

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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2013, 08:49:25 AM »

thank you laelle and tiger . i get your point , thank you and i wish you luck . I think we all need luck after we drain all our powers. And tiger. . . Thanks for that tip of using the toolbox and not taking it as an answer
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2013, 09:16:27 AM »

I think the article is emotionally loaded and needs to be balanced with compassion for the illness. I find it interesting that it uses very emotive language 'emotional invasion', 'trojan horse', 'devious', 'cunning'. And then at the very end says "It is a serious mental illness'.

It suggests that it's all part of a plan, I believe it may be in some ways but it is a plan for survival the only way  pwBPD knows how.

If people feel victimised by pwBPD I think that article will really add to that feeling and the anger on the leaving board is palpable at times and can, I believe keep people stuck and unable to see their own role. I'm not a stayer so I suppose that makes me a leaver really but I think I'm more about accepting my ex is a human being who has serious problems that cause him deep unhappiness in the world. That article goes nowhere near acknowledging that truth.

Good for you for raising this Squashed Human  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2013, 09:45:19 AM »

I haven't read the article - and I also assumed my stbexw had morals and values too.  I will say this a year ago I would have never in a million years would have guessed she would become the person she is today.  I realized that she was just mirroring my morals and values but then came the time to discard me after 19 years because I could no longer fill her empty bucket as quickly as her new "friend".  Maybe a lot of it is true - she has became a lying, cheating, person who could throw away her family for her own self interest and drop all 19 years of good memories away with no regrets and not wanted to look back or even try to work on things. So maybe now all seems good - but trust me from painful experience - it can change in one day. They can wear a mask beautifully - but sooner or latter it may sufficate them as they know deep down that is not the true them (because they don't know who they are).
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squashed.human

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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2013, 09:59:42 AM »

thanks cal , maybe she doesn't know who she is but I'm sure she will soon realise who you are and regret her deeds . I hope you can forgive her and that forgiveness should be power in your hand that she MUST appreciate or else byebye
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« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2013, 10:01:16 AM »

Thanks for that tip of using the toolbox and not taking it as an answer

You are more than welcome SqH, it's a good thing to share our thoughts and experiences, debate is healthy, it gives us another perspective to consider.

If you have questions or need to share, keep posting, if you want to know more and relate to your situation, read, read, read. I have found that there are some good people here with a wealth of knowledge and experience and they have helped change my perspective in a positive way for me, and that's the point of it all, what ever the outcome.

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squashed.human

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« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2013, 10:09:55 AM »

thanks tiger , i Read but not as much as i want km write , it's still my second day and maybe it's a human need to speak out then calm and sit to hear. I'll post something now in this same L5 I hope you give me your view on it
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« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2013, 10:19:07 AM »

I can tell you I have honestly forgiven my stbex.  I'm hurt yes - but I can forgive her. I can say it was easier for me to forgive her when I learned to forgive that little girl who had horendous things happen to her. The big difference is that she will never admit what she did/is still doing is wrong (if she did it would prob. kill her).  That's one of the reasons she will never be willing to work on us - because she would then have to admit to her own shortcommings.  It took me a long time to understand what happened and how she could change so quickly (but she wore her mask perfectly - since she has perfected it from years of pain and torment).  She did open up to me once by text during this seperation - basically telling me she knows she threw away the best thing in her life and how everyday of her whole life it took all her energy just to make it through the day.  So why I saw this happy wife - inside she was slowly dying daily.  We can be a great protector/provider/caregiver - but sooner or latter they have to realize that they need to learn to love themselves.  They say some have to hit rock bottom before they will get help.  I can say this might be her rock bottom and she has stayed in theropy this time for 6 months now - before she would go maybe a month or two and then the baidaid would be enough for her.  This time maybe she will find some real healing and be a better woman for it - I may not be in her life anymore - but I love her enough that I know she needs to do this by herself - and I love myself enough that I have to respect my own morals/values/ and boundaries.
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squashed.human

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« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2013, 10:46:46 AM »

cal , you're an awesome guy , maybe that's the way you age originally but I'll speak for my self , being with a BPD taught me a lot of patience , tolerance , forgiveness and wisdom  , and i see a lot of that in you. And someone worthy should enjoy those values from you . I wish you find someone who can heal you fast
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squashed.human

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« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2013, 12:26:38 PM »

Hey Imagination , you seem determined to do this the right way , but i just have one important thing to say, a six years plan sound like a rough choice and may relaps even at the very beginning ! The six years plan would sound good idea if divided to stages and phases , like stage one takes 5 months and move to stage 2 when success and if delayed 2 months beyond what you planned for stage 1 ,then reassess your plan and continue. But one solid 6 years is not easy job. I Read about long goals and stages some where in here. One important thing is i notice this site is not recommended for someone suffering BPD , you can notice that if you Read earlier on this thread. Good luck
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waverider
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« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2013, 07:57:51 PM »

Hey Imagination , you seem determined to do this the right way , but i just have one important thing to say, a six years plan sound like a rough choice and may relaps even at the very beginning ! The six years plan would sound good idea if divided to stages and phases , like stage one takes 5 months and move to stage 2 when success and if delayed 2 months beyond what you planned for stage 1 ,then reassess your plan and continue. But one solid 6 years is not easy job. I Read about long goals and stages some where in here. One important thing is i notice this site is not recommended for someone suffering BPD , you can notice that if you Read earlier on this thread. Good luck

My approach to this whole issue has 3 stages.

First, stop the sole destroying conflict and generally making it unnecessarily worse. By using boundaries, disengagement from pointless issues, and a whole lot of Acceptance.

The Acceptance was then split into 2 stages. Firstly, stuff you really wanted to address, mainly to do with fairness and being mindful, but could wait until the core issues in the first step had been consolidated. The second part of Acceptance was all the little niggly things that where only just added to the list because you were generally unhappy. The twigs in the forest if you like. These I just put a line though and stopped worrying about as the goal is not to achieve the probably unattainable perfect relationship.

So far I have basically achieved most of the first part, direct extreme conflict and excessive black painting directed at me is virtually gone. The alcoholism and medication abuse is very much a lessening issue. Respect for me and our RS is significantly on the rise.

The consequence of this is she does not feel under constant thread of perceived attack and hence does not live in Def Con 1 mode anymore. This is a good place to be as she is now starting to own her issues, now the avenue to project via me is gone. She is now in a place where she is receptive to T and self help/improvement course.

As a result over the next year or so we can work on mindfulness, neediness, and increasing her general functionality and sense of self worth

No she is not fixed, but the RS dynamic is more stable and rewarding.

The development, path, and direction was heading as per script of that article. Diffusing the excessive defensive automatic reactions seem to have defused that path. Without being aware of it, that is exactly the way it would have gone.
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2013, 03:47:27 PM »

hmm... .  I actually liked the article. It was, in fact, one of the first things I read on this site that resonated with me. If it were hidden so that it could only be read by me after registering on the site, I don;t believe I would have found such a great resource. This site, the people on it, combined with a few months of individual therapy and a whole lot of books I've read has provided me with the best possible chance I have to save my marriage to my dBPDw.

Would it trigger my wife to read it? I doubt it... .  One of the biggest issues with BPD is the lack of self-awareness. Not that my opinion counts for much, but I definitely think that things are as they should be. I'm sorry you've had a hard time with this. We are all just doing the best that we can with a less than optimal situation.
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squashed.human

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« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2013, 04:25:28 PM »

i just looked at the article from various angles and the worst one was that it's telling me i was deceived and living a lie for over 3 years and that confused me at first but made me angry , call it rejection to believe. Anyway , I'm new here and wondering about the letters combination like OS (sounds like Operating System) and pwBPD and dBPDw . . .etc i hope you can explain those at least
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« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2013, 04:30:07 PM »

Squashed - I really couldn't beleive I was deceived for 19 years.  But my wife actually confirmed that - she never wanted to be married, she was only the person I wanted her to be, she did not know who she was ... .  that was what I couldn't beleive 19 years and I was a complete fool - never had a clue - she wore her mask soo good.
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squashed.human

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« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2013, 04:37:15 PM »

Oh cal , every time i see you i think to my self that i should stop whining and stick my nails (metaphorly) in her face and pull hard , if it's mask that get out in my hand then I'd just walk away in peace or if it scratches on her skin , well , i don't know , long years of blaming me and another mistake to be held against me kept in her vault of my past mistakes
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« Reply #20 on: March 17, 2013, 04:46:12 PM »

Hey squashed

If you go to the top of the thread you'll see a link to abbreviations along side the Guidelines tag, it'll bring you up to speed with all the type saving stuff.
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squashed.human

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« Reply #21 on: March 17, 2013, 06:43:05 PM »

thanks tiger , i found it
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squashed.human

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« Reply #22 on: March 17, 2013, 06:50:03 PM »

i did find the abbreviation link but it leads to a thread where ppl ask about them randomly , i thought I'll find abbreviations list
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« Reply #23 on: March 17, 2013, 09:26:34 PM »

The abbreviation list is indeed here. The first post is the question, the second one (which I linked to directly) is the key, and the discussion goes on from there... .  
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CodependentHusband
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« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2013, 10:23:32 PM »

Guys, this is hard stuff... .  I know I'm telling you something you already know, but for me anyway, it was only after I realized, "Hey! Things ARE the way they ARE, regardless of what has caused this. My wife did wear a mask, she's even said 'that wasn't really me early in the relationship and everybody pretends to be what their partner wants them to be.' Eventually, I realized that I can either start making positive changes about the way I view things and control what I have control over, or I can feel hopeless every day."

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You are not alone. It has happened to many of us, and some of us didn't have a chance to try to save our relationships. I know that's a hard pill to swallow. Truth is, I have no idea if I'll be able to hold on to my wife. All I can do is the absolute best that I can do. If she ever dumped me, I can't say I wouldn't try to get her back, but if I didn't, I would sure be on the lookout for signs of a PD in any future potential partner. I don't think I would change a thing about my life, and that includes a really bad marriage to an alcoholic the first time around, and a pwBPD for my second marriage. I've learned a lot about myself and grown through this process. I view my life as being a little bit of a mess right now, but all in all it's a good life.

Sorry. I'm not sure I'm helping. I really do feel your pain. I promise I remember what it was like then, and I get reminded of it from time to time when my wife gets really dysregulated. Keep posting here. All of the senior members here really know their stuff.
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« Reply #25 on: March 17, 2013, 11:41:11 PM »

squashed.human,

I get your point and I do think it can be triggering for people with or without BPD.  I assume you're posting in staying because you want the relationship to continue- this is the reason why so many of us are here too, and a lot of us have read the article before.  I'm sure lots of people will say, "Why don't you just leave/ detach/ whatever?"  We all have our reasons and it's very personal. 

I think the article has some truth, and although it may seem like it's a generalisation, I think this is exactly what it was trying to achieve.  BPD sufferers all go through such struggles (push, pull, love, hate) to some extent, but we are not completely passive in the relationship.  Knowing about how a relationship may evolve helps us to change the dynamics and stop dancing their dance.  For myself, in the past my relationship fits in with the "model" illustrated in the article to a tee.  But by practising the tools on here, it has become much more stable.
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squashed.human

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« Reply #26 on: March 18, 2013, 09:58:14 AM »

thank you code and thank you chosen . And Yes I'm staying though i want to detach , as she also did . I posted in another board but now the whole board is gone !
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« Reply #27 on: March 18, 2013, 12:03:39 PM »

For those not aware of this article the link being discussed is

   

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

The original version of this article was written about a male pwBPD ... .  and is all "he", "him", "his" Smiling (click to insert in post)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66844.0
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squashed.human

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« Reply #28 on: March 18, 2013, 12:15:54 PM »

Hey thanks for adding the link , i didn't support the article much when it's using "she" and sure wouldn't like it if it's "he" as those behaviors in the article matches a little tiny bit the usual behaviour of teen female (exaggeration made it fit more to grown female with BPD) . It's hard to imagine a man with the traits or behaviour in that article coz the female is not designed to be the knight on hours with shining armour who would save the man (remembere first phase)
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« Reply #29 on: March 18, 2013, 12:22:06 PM »

Excerpt
Maybe I'm upset at the article coz it does include so much true things that i faced

you said it.

Excerpt
hmm... .  I actually liked the article. It was, in fact, one of the first things I read on this site that resonated with me.

Ditto, this article really turned on the light bulb in my mind and I found it extremely helpful!

I sent it to my SO with BPD and she herself agreed to much of it, it was probably triggering to her, I don't really recall to be honest.
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