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Author Topic: ER visit/hospital stay  (Read 4041 times)
damage control
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« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2014, 01:54:43 AM »

My partner once described to me that she had fallen overboard from the ship of life in the middle of a fog. She felt like no one could see her, and so no one could help.  As she was surrounded by fog she could not see which way to go so there was no point trying to swim anywhere, everything felt so totally pointless and alone that she felt like putting her head under just to get it over with.

Just talking to people if they cant understand fully just reassures you that there is help out there, all is not lost, all you need do is tread water until the fog lifts.

Does it ever feel like that to you?

Now is not forever. The past only repeats itself if we don't try to change it.

It's an interesting analogy ... I don't feel a fog ... just lost ... in a different time/place/space than where everyone else seems to be and unable to get where they are or describe where I am ... everybody wants you to walk through to them but they don't seem to get that there really isn't a viable entry point anywhere because where they are makes very little sense.
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« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2014, 02:30:29 AM »

Trapped on the outside of a bubble, disassociated with the rest of the world who's concepts of reality seem alien, and not relevant to you?

Completely alone even in a room full of friendly faces. which is even worse than being completely alone as it underscores your very difference?

Do you feel as though you don't deserve to be happy?
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« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2014, 02:54:50 AM »

Its ok damage, im so sorry you are going through such a sht time.
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« Reply #33 on: January 05, 2014, 02:54:55 AM »

   The guy is a complete dick.

Excerpt
It's an interesting analogy ... I don't feel a fog ... just lost ... in a different time/place/space than where everyone else seems to be and unable to get where they are or describe where I am ... everybody wants you to walk through to them but they don't seem to get that there really isn't a viable entry point anywhere because where they are makes very little sense.

Mentally, smash through it. It's a sticky clingy wall, and when you touch it , it drains the life out of you. So you back up and Ram through the fking thing.

Sounds like The Pit. Was there once many years ago. Not self harming, but surreal. Totally Fked up. Ram through it. It's a mental game. It's all in your head. You must win.

Ball up the pain, drive it inside, becomes part of the energy and you use that to blast through the wall. And it's the most amazing freaking sensation. Everything changes after. And you don't fall back. You can't. Just grey cloudy crap, but not that since then.

Reads insane. But... . works. Worked for me at any rate. It was him or me. You are going off the other side of the razor's edge. Never ever ever do you harm yourself. Be a little selfish here. You deserve that. 
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« Reply #34 on: January 05, 2014, 03:28:33 AM »

Trapped on the outside of a bubble, disassociated with the rest of the world who's concepts of reality seem alien, and not relevant to you?

Completely alone even in a room full of friendly faces. which is even worse than being completely alone as it underscores your very difference?


Do you feel as though you don't deserve to be happy?

Exactly WR

I am often the centre of the circle with a load of people around me as well which can make it so much worse ... .

I don't know about deserve to be happy or not ... . I don't really see it in those terms ... I guess I don't understand what that means ... I felt happiness with my ex ... it was mixed in with anxiety and uncertainty and I struggled with my abandonment fears throughout but ... I think I did find it there with him for a while so I cannot say it's completely alien or anything, it's just transient and (it would appear) based upon something that was unstable at best ... I am sure you know exactly what I mean by that (as do we all).
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« Reply #35 on: January 05, 2014, 03:40:12 AM »

Do you feel like a lifeline to your only hope has been betrayed?
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« Reply #36 on: January 05, 2014, 03:40:18 AM »

Thanks for the post DragoN ... it means a lot ... everybody is being very supportive and I appreciate that so much.

I am doing OK tonight ... have eaten and my doggie is asleep next to me ... have had a few calls from new friends which was nice but I am getting very worried about work which is not helping - I am not on the roster and nobody has contacted me in over a week ... if I am out of a job then I am out of a house and out of my last vestige of hope/preservation I think ... but ... not going there ATM ...

I have things to do and say no matter what the what happens. So, tonight, I will write those emails.
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« Reply #37 on: January 05, 2014, 03:41:41 AM »

Its ok damage, im so sorry you are going through such a sht time.

Thanks recycled
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« Reply #38 on: January 05, 2014, 03:46:57 AM »

Do you feel like a lifeline to your only hope has been betrayed?

I guess you could say that ... I feel completely confused and betrayed yes ... I don't really understand why he wants so badly to keep me around when he so obviously doesn't want me ... for the most part he is very warm and sweet and generous ... but it's not enough and the hurtful things he comes out with and the going off to spend (sexual) time with my replacement/s are just too much to bear ... and I hate myself for not being able to be OK with the way things are - and most of all for still carrying this idea that this is all a huge mistake ... that this person who wanted me so very badly meant everything he said to me ... it wasn't contingent ... I KNOW that it is over and he has gone forever in that capacity but I just cannot accept it because if I do ... well that's just another level of pain waiting and I cannot take any more
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« Reply #39 on: January 05, 2014, 03:59:28 AM »

Prior to meeting your partner did you have a strong sense of self identity?

What I am getting at here is whether how you feel now is wholly situational to your recent experience, or is it part of a residual feeling of despair and instabilty.
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« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2014, 04:01:39 AM »

Prior to meeting your partner did you have a strong sense of self identity?

What I am getting at here is whether how you feel now is wholly situational to your recent experience, or is it part of a residual feeling of despair and instabilty.

No, it's not wholly situational, not at all.
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« Reply #41 on: January 05, 2014, 08:51:11 AM »

I guess you could say that ... I feel completely confused and betrayed yes ... I don't really understand why he wants so badly to keep me around when he so obviously doesn't want me ... for the most part he is very warm and sweet and generous ... but it's not enough and the hurtful things he comes out with and the going off to spend (sexual) time with my replacement/s are just too much to bear ... and I hate myself for not being able to be OK with the way things are - and most of all for still carrying this idea that this is all a huge mistake ... that this person who wanted me so very badly meant everything he said to me ... it wasn't contingent ... I KNOW that it is over and he has gone forever in that capacity but I just cannot accept it because if I do ... well that's just another level of pain waiting and I cannot take any more

My borderline ex wanted the same thing, a 'friendship' that had limits, stopped somewhere.  On some level she knew that getting too close triggered her, although she had no idea why, and she got the feeling there was a major disconnect there between what we each wanted, but she 'loved' me very much anyway, so how about trying for a deep friendship that was a friendship only?  All the good with none of the bad.  Can't blame her for trying, but I wanted more, and actually she could never give me what I wanted because the version of her that I loved was a fiction she started to create and I finished in my head.

Well OK, that's the way it is, bummer, it didn't work.  So I gotta go.  And then all the fallout from the abuse and disrespect showed up, much worse than I was aware of when I was in it, and it's taken twice as long as the relationship lasted to untangle all of that and move forward.  And there's no way I could have done it if i was still in contact with her, far too crazymaking for me.

So you got away Damage, good for you, and the good news is the hardest part is at the beginning.  One foot in front of the other... .
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« Reply #42 on: January 05, 2014, 09:08:42 AM »

Hey DC,

You really need to get some help now. Find someone to take care of your dog and put yourself as first priority. Keep in touch with your therapist and take their advice. You don't need to believe it, bu fact is you will feel better later, there is more to live for.

And in regards to Xena--I had a huge depression after that show ended that lead to me getting involved with my xBPDso. Had my heart not been broken by the way that show ended, I might not have been vulnerable enough to fall in love with my X.

Do not underestimate the power of entertainment. DC--perhaps there are movies you could watch, things you could do to feel something other than what you're feeling.

You will make it through this.
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« Reply #43 on: January 05, 2014, 09:25:12 AM »

DC,

I have been where you are now.

I am sorry you are going through this experience.

Find a way to put one foot in front of the other.   To get through the day.   

Worry about everything else after...

'ducks
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« Reply #44 on: January 05, 2014, 10:52:35 PM »

Hey damage how's life away from him, relief?
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« Reply #45 on: January 05, 2014, 11:16:42 PM »

Hey H2H

Life is the same today ... unpleasant and mostly unwanted. Sorry to say.

He called me last night and after chatting for a while he said something which makes me think he won't try to be in contact for a while ... . the fog of being near him has lifted, I am grateful for that at least ... but it has only been a day since I saw him and only hours since we spoke.
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« Reply #46 on: January 05, 2014, 11:17:59 PM »

Hey H2H

Life is the same today ... unpleasant and mostly unwanted. Sorry to say.

He called me last night and after chatting for a while he said something which makes me think he won't try to be in contact for a while ... . the fog of being near him has lifted, I am grateful for that at least ... but it has only been a day since I saw him and only hours since we spoke.

How do you think it would be if you chose not to have any contact with him for a while?
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« Reply #47 on: January 05, 2014, 11:31:12 PM »

I have no intention of contacting him Matt ... I am pretty good at not dialing/texting/etc ...
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« Reply #48 on: January 05, 2014, 11:35:29 PM »

I have no intention of contacting him Matt ... I am pretty good at not dialing/texting/etc ...

What about if he tries to contact you?  Is it an option to let it go to voice mail, or not respond to his texts or e-mails?

(This step helped me a lot!)
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« Reply #49 on: January 05, 2014, 11:43:05 PM »

It's a good question - and advice - Matt

I am not sure I can ignore calls/texts ... I can try. It may not come to that anyway ... not being in  the same house, the drama-rama that was this past weekend and his own eviction pending are all preying heavily upon him ... his preoccupation will be his own well-being in the short term and I'm not thinking beyond short term ATM.
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« Reply #50 on: January 05, 2014, 11:56:52 PM »

It's a good question - and advice - Matt

I am not sure I can ignore calls/texts ... I can try. It may not come to that anyway ... not being in  the same house, the drama-rama that was this past weekend and his own eviction pending are all preying heavily upon him ... his preoccupation will be his own well-being in the short term and I'm not thinking beyond short term ATM.

All you, all any of us can do is try.It is worth it, we are worth it

One day at a time.
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« Reply #51 on: January 06, 2014, 12:04:16 AM »

I am doing hours right now recycled ... . but it's better than minutes ...

I think the question of his contact, or lack thereof becomes moot when I am just counting hours.
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« Reply #52 on: January 06, 2014, 12:58:21 AM »

Ok my sweet DC... . you have officially freaked me out.

This is extremely serious.  The fact that you are that distraught over that toxic relationship and are still open to any kind of contact with him is outright disturbing my love!

Here's my take - screw the new job, screw him, screw all that junk!  Time to go home (back where you left from) and surround yourself with your close friends and family - cut him out ENTIRELY to where he can't contact you if he tried - HEAL.  THEN, look at your future career path. 

I mean really - none of that stuff is worth the price you are paying.  I am sorry you feel so hopeless.  It sounds like your inner struggles are pretty profound as well - and that is ok.  What help have you sought in the past for your apathy and despair in life as it appears this has been on going?  Have you attempted suicide in the past?

I think you need to make a decision to drop it all and go home NOW - and don't give yourself time to think about it.  Please DC.  Listen to what I am saying.  I am so serious - if I was on your continent I would come kidnap you as I said before.  Seriously. 

It's time to make a move my love - and it is NOT checking out of here.  It's relocating from there.  You have to have support around you and you need good professional help that will help guide you out of this pit your in right now.

There will be no laying down... . CLIMB OUT. 

Sending my love -

Lady
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« Reply #53 on: January 06, 2014, 03:33:04 PM »

hi DC. i'm so so sorry about your situation. i've faced the razor and i understand what you said above about the pain.

Time to go home (back where you left from) and surround yourself with your close friends and family

the sense of exclusion i felt from all human society when my stbxw announced her well-planned betrayal and bolted was total. i got professional help and apprised them all of my suicidality. what really saved me though was the company of friends and family. i have very few friends but they're all excellent, and my family are scattered all over the world but they're also excellent, and these opened their doors to me. i had to leave nyc for philadelphia and dublin to do this and it was both necessary and wonderful. i feel somwhat re-integrated to the world because of it.

i like Lady31's advice, DC. little could be more important right now than getting into the actual physical company of whoever you've got who will support you.  
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« Reply #54 on: January 06, 2014, 03:56:33 PM »

Hi DC just wanted to check in and say I'm glad you are posting.  I'm not real familiar about how the system works in Australia just wondering if there was someone you can talk to face to face where you don't run the risk of having them force you into a ward.  That would be scary for anyone (the boards are great they do lack that real time quality).

You are so vulnerable right now and this man doesn't have the capacity for the kind of tenderness you need.  I do remember the part when I really needed to focus on myself and then Id get calls and texts from mine about his problems etc when I was really struggling myself.  The person really didnt have my best interests in mind.  Not contacting or replying was diffcult eventually I stopped.  I agree with Matt here there a point where no contact is really about getting your feet underneath you first and no contact can be really good to do that.

Maybe DC you can make the committment that of he calls or texts you wait at least a day to think about of you can even talk with this guy and to talk with someone else (therapist, friend, the boards) about what if anything you reply with.

He has too much power over your emotions right now and he's thoughtless about it.

DC hang in there.  Those hours turn to days to weeks.  It gets easier.  At first you think about this stuff 24 hours a day, then 24 turns to 20 to 10 and the next thing its once a day then maybe once a week a month and a year.  In the meantime take good care of you.

Smiling (click to insert in post)

I found therapy to be really helpful.  During the bad times I was going frequently.  It took the edge off.  It helped to have someone explain what was happening.

Congratulations on your job btw!
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« Reply #55 on: January 06, 2014, 04:52:35 PM »

@Lady31

Thanks for your concern and thoughts.

Going home is just not an option right now - not only do I not have the funds, I don't have anywhere to go or a job to go back to.

I wouldn't be surrounded by family/friends anyhow because there is a distinct lack of those 2 things in my life ...

I have done this twice before - but many years ago now - well over 10. It caught me by surprise in a way, in another, I think the pressure of everything and the emotional nightmare made it almost inevitable.

Thanks again.

@maxen

I am sorry to hear that you have also gone through something like this. It's not easy and it takes a hell of a lot before the actual razor comes into play - not just the fantasy of the razor. I am sorry that you went through that.

I honestly don't have anybody for physical comfort. I don't have LT friends and only my sons for family and I would just never feel comfortable turning to them for this kind of need ... they are still too young for that (early 20's) and I don't think that children should support their parents in that way, or even if they are equipped to.

Thanks for sharing.

@GM

Thank you also for your concern and input.

I don't think think there is a face-to-face person that I would trust not to take my thoughts/words and then enforce DOC to have me put back in hospital ... they HAVE to do this, it's not personal on either side.

You are right about the ex, he doesn't have the capacity to help me or even be beneficial to me. He may worry/care or think he worries/cares but the first words out of his mouth when I got back home on Sunday were to ask me to tell him if this was all 'for his benefit' and that ... . lacks empathy.

I just feel that he has been spooked enough that he won't want contact anyhow. He will not be able to deal with the idea that he had any part in what happened and in order to reassure himself, not contacting me will keep that self-narrative more secure. That's what I foresee. He is on his dating website for hours and hours every day at the moment and he goes back to work in a day or so and he still needs to find somewhere to live - all of which will occupy him and keep him focused upon him - which is the only place/space he is truly comfortable in.

I have been down this road before and attempted suicide tends to scare away everyone except the professionals and the very nearest and dearest. I have very little doubt that he has all-but gone.

Thanks for the congratulations but my lovely shiny new job may well be in jeopardy. I have still not been rostered on and get the feeling that even though I advised them for the 2 weeks that I could not work, they have begun to think that I am unreliable - probably rightly so. I am currently in my 3rd week without wages and have no idea how to fix this - or if I even can.

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« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2014, 05:28:57 PM »

I have done this twice before - but many years ago now - well over 10. It caught me by surprise in a way, in another, I think the pressure of everything and the emotional nightmare made it almost inevitable.  <cut> It's not easy and it takes a hell of a lot before the actual razor comes into play - not just the fantasy of the razor.

I honestly don't have anybody for physical comfort. I don't have LT friends and only my sons for family and I would just never feel comfortable turning to them for this kind of need ... they are still too young for that (early 20's) and I don't think that children should support their parents in that way, or even if they are equipped to.  <cut>

I don't think think there is a face-to-face person that I would trust not to take my thoughts/words and then enforce DOC to have me put back in hospital ... they HAVE to do this, it's not personal on either side.

He is on his dating website for hours and hours every day at the moment and he goes back to work in a day or so and he still needs to find somewhere to live - all of which will occupy him and keep him focused upon him - which is the only place/space he is truly comfortable in.

I have been down this road before and attempted suicide tends to scare away everyone except the professionals and the very nearest and dearest. I have very little doubt that he has all-but gone.

Thanks for the congratulations but my lovely shiny new job may well be in jeopardy. I have still not been rostered on and get the feeling that even though I advised them for the 2 weeks that I could not work, they have begun to think that I am unreliable - probably rightly so. I am currently in my 3rd week without wages and have no idea how to fix this - or if I even can.

DC this is all so disturbing to read.  you have no job, no wages, no RL friends to turn to; you attempted suicide a couple days ago and you're still suicidal; you're withholding information and  lying to the drs/medical professionals about how severely depressed and suicidal you are.  the only ones you're being honest with is us ~ you come here and post all of this but what can we do? very little compared to the hospital!  there's a reason they are legally obligated to hospitalize you ~ suicidal people should be closely supervised under lock and key so they don't hurt themselves... . thats the whole point!

clearly this whole thing tugs on the heartstrings of several people here ~ myself included, as my mother tried to kill herself twice and i found her both times.  both times!  oh and my xBPDgf?  she did it and hit an artery or vein and bled all over me <spurt spurt spurt> with every beat of her heart. and she would have died that night if i hadn't have found her, too!  and i sat and saw her lie to the hospital staff in the ER and manipulate them into letting her go home, saying she only meant to self-harm not to kill herself.  and those a$$holes believed her and let her go?  stop lying!   if you don't think i have an internal mechanism for saving people, think again.  i have PTSD about it.  sorry i do not mean to try to make this about me, not at all, just giving you some insight from the other side, of how this stuff can affect people.

plz plz go back to the hospital.  let them give you meds... .   get you stabilized.  let them get you some help.  let them give you some time to line up what/how/where you're going to live.  if you refuse to go back i for one will have to stop reading your threads for my own preservation b/c you are clearly begging for help but refusing to take it.  why?  why talk talk talk update update but not go to hosipital where they can help you?   how do you think everyone here will feel, everyone thats been reading your posts and trying to help you, if you refuse help and end up killing yourself?  surely you don't want that for us?  do you?
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« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2014, 05:33:00 PM »

ucmeicu2 makes some good points, especially about meds.

I was very anti-meds, and I still am, kind of.  But when I got super-low - situational depression so it's probably kind of different from what you're dealing with, but I was still super-low - I finally gave in and got some meds, and within a few weeks I was doing better, and then I was able to find solutions over time.

Meds can break the downward spiral so you have a chance to find a path forward.
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« Reply #58 on: January 06, 2014, 06:37:14 PM »

ucmeicu2

Thanks for your response.

I understand what you are saying here. I guess part of posting is that it is anonymous here - with that anonymity (I thought) was the fact that nobody here knows me or where or who or am and (consequently) any feelings of obligation or similar should be neutered.

I am not trying to be disturbing or to make people uncomfortable ... I am not really trying to do anything at all but talk/vent ... and it is of just as much concern to me that I am causing anybody any real or ongoing concern ...

I simply don't really know what else to do at the moment.

(@matt as well)

Hospital is a non-option. I have my dog here and nobody to take care of her if I go to hospital - plus, I am trying to show my job that I am here if they want/need me ... I just have to sit tight and see what happens with that ... the job alone gives me something to work for during the day by touching base, emailing, calling to let them know I am here.

I don't really want to get into the non/meds ... .

I am so sorry for any distress I have caused or am causing anybody ... . that splintering of people I spoke of? This is exactly it and I completely get how and why it happens ... . I don't know what else to say.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #59 on: January 06, 2014, 06:58:56 PM »

Hi Damage-

Another day and you're still with us!  And another day away from him; hallelujah!

So.  No friends or family, no money, nobody to talk to, no bf, maybe no job.  What do you have to lose by surrendering to professional care again?  Oh yeah, your dog.  I know you care about that pooch, I can relate, I have two.  Tell me, how did the dog factor in when you were sitting there blade in hand?
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