Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 21, 2021, 03:28:19 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD or just a jerk?  (Read 12097 times)
Danie14
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 138



« on: May 21, 2014, 02:20:26 PM »

Anyone else wonder this? Is it really a diagnosable disorder or are they just jerks?

He can be so... . normal... . at times. So much like just a normal guy. And he can be a strait a-hole at times too. Mean. Childish.

I guess it doesn't matter, not really. But some how it does matter to me.

I think it matters because if he really has something wrong with the way he deals with life then it makes sense... . all the craziness that has been present in our lives together. But, if he's just a jerk... then there is no reason for any of this madness. Except maybe that he's a sociopath who enjoys this... .

I guess it matters because I need to make sense of this... . and of myself, my 'whys' and such... . but at the end of the day... . it doesn't' matter... . none of it changes the facts.

Dang it. He's being sweet and normal over the last little while... . but it won't last. It never does. I'm always waiting on that other shoe... .
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2014, 02:29:36 PM »

You're hurt because of the way that he is treating you.  

2010

Excerpt
A sociopath uses pity to get their way with people.

A psychopath enjoys hurting people.

A narcissist wants attention.

A borderline wants to be carried.

All of the above are personality disorders.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136812.0

When they are mistreating you, they are triggered emotionally. It could be due to stress, anxiety, rejection. It's not intentional, but it does feel real to us. You can be treated normally and nice one minute, then devalued the next. You feel like you're walking on eggshells.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Banshee
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 210



« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2014, 04:12:02 PM »

Excerpt
Dang it. He's being sweet and normal over the last little while... . but it won't last. It never does. I'm always waiting on that other shoe... .

When I was saying this more than saying he was sweet and normal is when I realized he was beyond a jerk. You can't even enjoy the good bc your bracing yourself for the bad
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2014, 05:28:58 PM »

I can understand that sentiment and you kind of summed it up here:

I guess it doesn't matter, not really. But some how it does matter to me.

At the end of the day - grief is grief - our brains naturally try to make sense of pain while processing it.    I think this falls into the Processing phase of detachment.

Hang in there,

SB
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2014, 10:41:58 PM »

Totally get that... .

Here is something I learned that helped... .

Creating a coherent narrative is absolutely crucial to healthy mental well being. What you are trying to do is just that. Yes. He was a jerk. And yes, there are reasons for that out of your control that you had nothing to do with. For me, I realized that my ex was a huge, needy, manipulative, exploitative, empathy challenged, sad, scared, grade A abusive b#tch. She is also a sweet, kind, lonely, confused, abandoned child. None of this makes any sense to me without the lens of BPD. Those are the reasons that she behaves this way. And that makes me make sense of it all. It doesn't discount the behavior. It doesn't discount the abuse. It doesn't help her one bit to know this and it doesn't matter at all. What makes is that it makes sense to me and allows me to make a cohesive narrative that I can understand. That makes me healthier. It allows me to understand that her behavior was not my fault, that I didn't deserve it, and that my behavior (which was very non-committal to put it lightly) makes sense as a way to safe guard myself from a life of drama, abuse, and confusion.

So... . Good for you for trying to make sense of it. It is healthy. Doesnt mean he's also not a world class jerk. BPD is almost just a clinical term for jerk. I thunk it helps us more in a way to call it BPD because we can begin to understand and stop taking the blame.
Logged
paul16
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 846


« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2014, 02:21:36 PM »

There seems to be lots of different variations of a-holes and jerks. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, BPD, etc all used to describe the behavior. Bottom line to me - The behavior speaks for itself no matter what elaborate or wordy name you give the condition.

Short people are "vertically challenged." Is it hereditary? What can cause it? Is there a cure?

Stupid people are "mentally challenged." Same questions as above. Slightly different answers.

BPD's are jerks. Call them what they are. Applying a elaborate condition to it doesn't change the fact that they are jerks.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2014, 04:39:14 PM »

There seems to be lots of different variations of a-holes and jerks. Sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, BPD, etc all used to describe the behavior. Bottom line to me - The behavior speaks for itself no matter what elaborate or wordy name you give the condition.

Short people are "vertically challenged." Is it hereditary? What can cause it? Is there a cure?

Stupid people are "mentally challenged." Same questions as above. Slightly different answers.

BPD's are jerks. Call them what they are. Applying a elaborate condition to it doesn't change the fact that they are jerks.

I don't think it's associated with the medical name, it's understanding how the disorder works. Bottom line, it's not intentional.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
paul16
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 846


« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2014, 06:27:12 PM »

Medical name? So there are definitive tests for it? Being a jerk is also a disorder to many people. Intentional, unintentional, or otherwise. Disorders as listed in the DSM are the opinion of other people based on the behavior of the person in question.

How is that different from saying or thinking that some is behaving like a jerk?
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2014, 07:10:44 PM »

How is that different from saying or thinking that some is behaving like a jerk?

The behavior on the receiving end is real, I understand. My wife really hurt my feelings with the name calling and verbal abuse. The most painful was asking her to stop with that type of behavior in front of the kids, but she knew that I didn't like that and she knew what buttons to push. I didn't want the kids to see their dad treated like that. I'm minimal contact with her now. She has acted out in front of the kids, but I validate their feelings and I don't bring attention on her behavior. She still sends me e-mail bombs. She engages me as if we were married. I've read enough material to understand that this is a disorder and her actions are not intentional. She reacts differently to stress and anxiety than you or I. She can't self soothe and becomes emotionally dysregulated. She projects her feelings of self loathing and negative attributes on others. Emotional arrested development. I learned that by reading credited books and this forum.

My wife and I have two common denominators. We are both human beings with feelings. She has a disorder. I have emotional baggage. It's my choice if I want to take it personally or not. I chose to detach and disengage and depersonalize the behavior and become indifferent.

I don't think my wife is a jerk. I think she is sick and in need of treatment.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Pecator
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 120



« Reply #9 on: May 22, 2014, 09:38:30 PM »

AwakenedOne gave me this little tid-bit of insight.

I started a thread where I was wrestling with whether or not my uBPDex was actually a pwBPD.

He said he has seen my postings and that I should really hope she has BPD. If not, she is a real horrible human being.

That is the base of intention Mutt is speaking of. There is a terrific video on here that has a woman wBPD defending against the notion of manipulation. She says, and I a paraphrasing from memory, to be a master manipulator implies the capacity for forethought, the ability to plan and execute a scheme. The notion of manipulating doesn't hold when a pwBPD is flailing around in great fear to avoid a deep pain that seems immanent.

It is okay to see them as complete jerks from time to time, especially when working through your anger. But they are not the mastermind evil super villains. They are really wounded disordered human beings.

AO's comments have helped me to detach and even made it into my well rehearsed plan for if she ever did make an attempt to recycle. I have my speech ready to go,

"[pet name] I loved the person you were when we were together, but you have a very serious condition that needs to be addressed. I hope you believe that. I believe it deeply, because if not, you are simply a horrible person. Either way, a relationship with you is simply not possible."




Logged
dreamofstars

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 11


« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2014, 09:54:01 PM »

I am struggling to cope and understand as well. On one hand, its not normal to be such a crazy, schizo, irrational, manipulative jerk, on the other hand, seriously, they know the difference between right and wrong.

No disrespect to the psych field, because I really do believe they help, but, giving a name and creating a disorder gives these jerks justification for their destructive and harmful behavior. All of a sudden they become the victim and then its actually your fault, you drove them to this, you are the one who won't sympathize with their BPD condition, you are the one who rejects them or are unsupportive when you hold them accountable or set boundaries, most times its just a bunch of bull for them to hide behind.

I consider myself a pretty sane person, I don't do any of these crazy, manipulative things, but I took the BPD test and i scored in the "possible" range, seems like its a easy disorder to have. Just saying.
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2014, 10:05:31 PM »

Pecator that's an interesting farewell speech .I know my exBPD will be back on my doorstep one day and because I've been NC for so long now I was simply going to stay the same. I don't need to offer any reason do I ? Like you said regardless of whether she's BPD or just horrible you don't want to be in a relationship with her. I'm the same. I would be terrified to say what you're going to say for a few reasons 1. It's not going to be heard 2. It's not going to make any difference to my outcome. 3. It could escalate him and make things worse 4. It gives him an opportunity to rebuff what I'm saying and therefore enter into communication again with him. 5. It won't change a thing. 6. Stating they have a mental illness in this manner could cause them irreputable damage.

I understand the need to " get even" but we never will.

I've gone through lots of scenarios like this, in the end bottom line I can't help him, I'm not a therapist so I'm not going to attempt to diagnose him, I want him out of my life in the calmest way where we all get to keep some dignity and self respect.

Logged
paul16
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 846


« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2014, 10:12:32 PM »

I like to keep it simple. Some people just can't control their behavior and act like jerks. Putting pseudo-scientific labels on that behavior and considering it a disorder may help. May not. The bottom line is that they act like jerks. Learning how not to act in a way that alienates or harms other people is a human quality that some people have. Some don't.

I also have a mentally incompetent ex and we have a child together. She was diagnosed with a clinical brain condition for which there is specific testing and a specified treatment. I'm never critical of her condition. My child (grown now) both understands her mother's condition and the reason that we were better off living separately. She acted like a jerk toward me in ways unrelated to her medical condition but exacerbated by it. I was told that was due to a disorder. It really didn't matter. As many have said on this board your main concern has to be yourself and in my case my child who lived with me. Both of us were being harmed. The medical condition could be dealt with by both of us. The "disorder" could not.
Logged
Pecator
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 120



« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2014, 10:22:04 PM »

Actually Narellan, you are right for all the right reasons.

Your points are spot on. I actually don't think I will have the chance to speak to her in that context. Even if it is a possibility, I wouldn't for those reasons.

Right now, I rehearse this as a way of getting her out of my head, detaching as best I can.

But I know from your posts that this is very real possibility for you. I can feel how scary and difficult it must be.

But even in that last post, you are clearly in the right mind space. You clearly have the strength and plans to do what ever you will have to to care for yourself.

I can't fully imagine what you are in right now.

But I am confident I will read wonderful posts about how you  made it through this time

Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2014, 10:44:27 PM »

Thanks Pecator   I've thought this through for so many hours. It's a great tool just to write everything down that you want to say, isn't it?  Very therapeutic. And that's exactly how I came to this scenario where it's win win for everyone involved. I like your confidence in me. Most days I'm ok. Hopefully he returns on one of those days. Yesterday I missed him and cried a bit. A thread I posted on triggered me.

I feel like I'm moving on now. I'm prepared for the best and worst. The worse I believe I've come through, and I'm at peace now most of the time with the loss of my " best friend" I'm proud of myself how I've handled it. I will keep you posted !
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2014, 11:46:16 PM »

Ill be honest I think I posted this before. It would be stupid for me to say the same what Im about to say applies to all but I firmly believe that alot of them know exactly what they are doing. Am I saying that they do not suffer? Absolutely not. They definitely do suffer internally. So does a child molester. I have witnessed calculated movements and like some of the other members state above they actually do use the diagnosis for a weapon aka excuse. Westernize medicine can put a diagnosis on anything and the solution is always give them drugs. Alot of them are very aware and alot of movements can be very calculated. Yes alot of them are simply jerks. Raging and having temper issues is one thing but the lying,cheating, and god knows how many other things I can list all spell jerk. I spoke with a friend who told me not too long ago her coworker has a son who kept breaking his toys and they had to keep buying him new ones. They took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with obsessive destructive disorder. This small child was then given aderol. Nowhere did the parents have a conversation and say to the child this is your toy cherish it and dont break this one because if you do you wont get another one. Instead they give this small child aderol? So now he learns that I can break my toys and get an endless supply of new ones and the solution to it is this magical pill. Hmmmmm good freakin idea guys. ... . You know what maybe I should take ten showers per day and go to the doctor afterwards for it maybe theyll call it obsessive shower disorder and give me some drugs... . Or maybe if I tuck my shirt into my pants multiple times through the day they can call that obsessive tuck disorder... . I get it we ourselves allowed these sucky things to happen to us but to just rule out the notion that these people do not know wgat they are doing aka jerks is obsurd to say the least and one of the reasons why we got suckered into the endless pity party in the first place... . Are they not human without souls and feelings of course not. But lets cut the excessive westernized medical crap out for a second and be real. They can and do premeditate and plot out alot of the nonsense they do. They do manipulate on purpose and they do seek vengence and very calculated vengence. Are there times where they are impulsive ? Yes of course there are. Healthy people get impulsive too and can act without thinking too. You could easily sit any quote on quote healthy person down and analyze them as well and make a new diagnosis up for that person too. Oh I just typed a long post heres a new one obsessive blog post disorder can i have some meds for that too? Smh. Yes alot are jerks lets not candy coat it anymore then it already is. What the hell makes you think that they are not capable of calculating an evil intended movement? Can they plan something out at work or plan any other activity? Yes uve seen it yourself? So you think theyre planning skills just suddenlt stop when it comes to malice? They are not walking around all day saying " I see dead people in a creepy voice while walking outside with feices smeared on theyre bodies". They can be held accountable for theyre actions plain and simple. It is not the same as skizophrenia lets get serious here. Alot are simply jerks
Logged
paul16
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 846


« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2014, 12:05:17 AM »

Yes AG. You should seek help for the excessive post length disorder. Also have them check the spelling and grammar disorder. Fact: There is a disorder listed in the DSM-IV called "Mathematics Disorder."

At least you don't come across as a jerk!
Logged
letmeout
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 789


« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2014, 12:25:29 AM »

But they are not the mastermind evil super villains. They are really wounded disordered human beings.

Pecator, I'm not sure I can fully agree with that. I know my BPDex could go off the deep end without notice, but I wittnessed his premeditation of evil many times over the years.     Maybe he was just a psychopath with BPD.

At any rate, a jerk is just a jerk by any other name.
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #18 on: May 23, 2014, 01:12:05 AM »

Ultimately it doesn't really matter. Everyone will deal with the breakup in their own way. For me to see my ex as a jerk doing premeditated things to hurt me would cause me greater pain, anger and delay the healing process for me. My preference is to understand that he has this disorder, and it clarifies why he sometimes acts in the way that he does. I can accept this and move on. Anger gets me stuck.
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #19 on: May 23, 2014, 08:00:47 AM »

Ultimately it doesn't really matter. Everyone will deal with the breakup in their own way. For me to see my ex as a jerk doing premeditated things to hurt me would cause me greater pain, anger and delay the healing process for me. My preference is to understand that he has this disorder, and it clarifies why he sometimes acts in the way that he does. I can accept this and move on. Anger gets me stuck.

You have a point there too Narellan for sure. My anger protects me from my ex sometimes but sometimes I think it does get me stuck too.
Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #20 on: May 23, 2014, 11:21:29 AM »

You have a point there too Narellan for sure. My anger protects me from my ex sometimes but sometimes I think it does get me stuck too.

Here is the "aha" on this thread... . with all the reading and understanding we do - it really is processing because eventually - to get to the other side - we all must feel the pain associated with the breakup.  It is when we lean into this pain, that we truly let go of defining what the heck just happened.

Really a good thread here folks!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #21 on: May 23, 2014, 01:40:20 PM »

Yes AG. You should seek help for the excessive post length disorder. Also have them check the spelling and grammar disorder. Fact: There is a disorder listed in the DSM-IV called "Mathematics Disorder."

At least you don't come across as a jerk!

And yes I see alot of grammatical errors that I made. Thats a good one spelling and grammer disorder. I see typos in there too.hmmmmm typo disorder... . I also have a habit of putting excessive periods when I type on my phone for some reason... . Excessive period within a text disorder... . lmfao... I really needed this laugh. Kind of hard to make light of these situations.
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #22 on: May 23, 2014, 01:56:47 PM »

You have a point there too Narellan for sure. My anger protects me from my ex sometimes but sometimes I think it does get me stuck too.

Here is the "aha" on this thread... . with all the reading and understanding we do - it really is processing because eventually - to get to the other side - we all must feel the pain associated with the breakup.  It is when we lean into this pain, that we truly let go of defining what the heck just happened.

Really a good thread here folks!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yup it's all good stuff at the end of the day regardless if we agree at the time or not. We are all hurting here thats what we can all agree on. I do not know what the heck I would do without this site while dealing with this nonsense.
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #23 on: May 23, 2014, 04:54:51 PM »

I agree AG i believe this site saved my life.
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #24 on: May 23, 2014, 06:10:03 PM »

I agree AG i believe this site saved my life.

Who you telling Narallen? Your preaching to the choir you already know how dark it got for me. I too believe this site saved my life and most of allthe people on it.
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #25 on: May 23, 2014, 06:19:20 PM »

I liken it to a near death experience. It was. And now this site is helping me to change myself, and to make sure that never happens again.

How long since you split with your exBPD ?
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #26 on: May 23, 2014, 07:56:34 PM »

I liken it to a near death experience. It was. And now this site is helping me to change myself, and to make sure that never happens again.

How long since you split with your exBPD ?

The most recent split was Feb. I showed up to her house and her mom was there. Mind you this was on my own Bday. My ex acted cold to me and literally went in her room while I talked to her mom. Her mom and I talked for a while with a long convo and we both agreed I would never talk to her again. I got the courage to leave and never called her again. A few days later before valentines day my ex called again saying she didn't know what was going on due to the Med's and asked if I could come see her. I told her not right now because my mom was ill and needed me to visit. I decided to come on Valentines day and even came with a gift and card. Then a week later she thew me in the trash. NO face to face this was literally some cowards move of blocking me on her phone like I was nothing. No closure.

Recently about two weeks ago she emailed me saying if I was ok. Then she called afterwards. I emailed back and immediately in a very adult like fashion confronted her lying and evil intentions. She reverted back into victim mode. Then trashed me again. I believe that was her recycle attempt again but I immediately asked for closure and explanation on her evil actions. I bet you can guess what she did instead of womaning up... . Guess what? Yup you guessed it right. Ran like a coward again. 
Logged
Narellan
*******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1080



« Reply #27 on: May 23, 2014, 08:15:11 PM »

That's what I learnt here, they can't help but run. They need to. Every instinct in their body tells them to run. It's an over active flight mechanism when they are in emotional turmoil. After a while it goes away and they sense there's no danger, and then feel guilt and shame and try to recycle. They can't control it. We have to control it from our end. And we can only control our own responses to it. For me that means I need to stop the cycle. He can't. I need to stop the contact. He can't. When aren't feeling strong we get sucked back believing and hoping it will all be great again. Long term it never will. We may get a few more weeks until it then happens again. It is a never ending cycle and we have to somehow get the strength to get out of it. That's just my take on it. But this view helps me move on and not constantly be trying to sort out the puzzle, and my part in it. My part in it was I loved him too deeply. And he could not deal with the emotions he was then confronted with around this.
Logged
sirensong65
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 197



« Reply #28 on: May 23, 2014, 09:00:55 PM »

Excerpt
Ill be honest I think I posted this before. It would be stupid for me to say the same what Im about to say applies to all but I firmly believe that alot of them know exactly what they are doing. Am I saying that they do not suffer? Absolutely not. They definitely do suffer internally. So does a child molester. I have witnessed calculated movements and like some of the other members state above they actually do use the diagnosis for a weapon aka excuse. Westernize medicine can put a diagnosis on anything and the solution is always give them drugs. Alot of them are very aware and alot of movements can be very calculated. Yes alot of them are simply jerks. Raging and having temper issues is one thing but the lying,cheating, and god knows how many other things I can list all spell jerk. I spoke with a friend who told me not too long ago her coworker has a son who kept breaking his toys and they had to keep buying him new ones. They took him to the doctor and he was diagnosed with obsessive destructive disorder. This small child was then given aderol. Nowhere did the parents have a conversation and say to the child this is your toy cherish it and dont break this one because if you do you wont get another one. Instead they give this small child aderol? So now he learns that I can break my toys and get an endless supply of new ones and the solution to it is this magical pill. Hmmmmm good freakin idea guys. ... . You know what maybe I should take ten showers per day and go to the doctor afterwards for it maybe theyll call it obsessive shower disorder and give me some drugs... . Or maybe if I tuck my shirt into my pants multiple times through the day they can call that obsessive tuck disorder... . I get it we ourselves allowed these sucky things to happen to us but to just rule out the notion that these people do not know wgat they are doing aka jerks is obsurd to say the least and one of the reasons why we got suckered into the endless pity party in the first place... . Are they not human without souls and feelings of course not. But lets cut the excessive westernized medical crap out for a second and be real. They can and do premeditate and plot out alot of the nonsense they do. They do manipulate on purpose and they do seek vengence and very calculated vengence. Are there times where they are impulsive ? Yes of course there are. Healthy people get impulsive too and can act without thinking too. You could easily sit any quote on quote healthy person down and analyze them as well and make a new diagnosis up for that person too. Oh I just typed a long post heres a new one obsessive blog post disorder can i have some meds for that too? Smh. Yes alot are jerks lets not candy coat it anymore then it already is. What the hell makes you think that they are not capable of calculating an evil intended movement? Can they plan something out at work or plan any other activity? Yes uve seen it yourself? So you think theyre planning skills just suddenlt stop when it comes to malice? They are not walking around all day saying " I see dead people in a creepy voice while walking outside with feices smeared on theyre bodies". They can be held accountable for theyre actions plain and simple. It is not the same as skizophrenia lets get serious here. Alot are simply jerks

THIS is awesome and I needed to hear this from someone else.  I believe the same thing and actually, that was in the last text I sent him; " bi polar disorder and/or BPD is no excuse for just being a lousy human being."   I meant every word.  The things I found out he did after the fact, the lies, the cheating, it was all VERY calculated and heartless.  I was nothing but adoring to him, patient was an understatement.  My friends and family begged me to kick his ass to the curb and I STOOD beside him and stated, "he's going through rough emotional times... he needs my support."

He pissed in my face as far as I am concerned.  He would start arguments and storm off ruining the entire weekend and disappearing for the entire weekend for 6 weeks straight.  Each time I was left hurt and at home crying and confused as to what on earth was a matter.  Not knowing this was done intentionally so he could spend that time grooming the replacement.  He could cry at the drop of a hat.  And looking back would divert attention away from discussing the issue with some random yet serious health issue. 

He was texting, sexting facebooking and engaging various other women during this time on several dating sites as well.  He has to have attention from multiple sources in order to feel good about himself.  Meanwhile, I giving him things like love letters with the top 10 reasons I adore him and creating a digital photo album of his mother who he claimed to adore and lost to breast cancer in 2008.

I'm no slouch in the looks department, I get approached all the time.  yet Ryan Gosling and Adam Levine could appear on my doorstep naked and I wouldn't have noticed... . I was crazy about this man on every level.  At 48 I realized I had never loved another man unconditionally before him.  Though his behavior and then diagnosis of Bi polar scared the hell out of me once I read the statistics and his manic and hypersexual behavior became more and more apparent, I couldn't bear the thought of abandoning him.  I thought, "at some point, they will get him straight on meds and he will be distraught at what has been destroyed.  He needs me.

I would call him an animal but I think it is an insult to animals.  He must be Fing people round the clock.  I would have to so I never had a moment to reflect on all the evil I created against the people who loved me the most.

Am I angry?  Damn right I am. Is that anger hurting or helping me?  Depends on what day you ask.  Lately I choose to think whatever way helps me to get through the day.

Day-to-day is how I have to live now.

I believe people who engage in this sort of behavior are soulless.  Disordered? Sick? Mentally Ill?  Perhaps, but none the less... soulless.
Logged
AG
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 269


« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2014, 09:09:37 PM »

That's what I learnt here, they can't help but run. They need to. Every instinct in their body tells them to run. It's an over active flight mechanism when they are in emotional turmoil. After a while it goes away and they sense there's no danger, and then feel guilt and shame and try to recycle. They can't control it. We have to control it from our end. And we can only control our own responses to it. For me that means I need to stop the cycle. He can't. I need to stop the contact. He can't. When aren't feeling strong we get sucked back believing and hoping it will all be great again. Long term it never will. We may get a few more weeks until it then happens again. It is a never ending cycle and we have to somehow get the strength to get out of it. That's just my take on it. But this view helps me move on and not constantly be trying to sort out the puzzle, and my part in it. My part in it was I loved him too deeply. And he could not deal with the emotions he was then confronted with around this.

One thing we disagree on is that they cannot help it but run. I believe they can but just don't try hard enough. They could easily read a book on the disorder bit by bit and slowly become self aware. They do not try. The other part dear Narellan I totally agree with we totally can stop this bull ish from happening to us. I could have not responded to the email however just as you stated she caught me at a weak moment as usual. I do not know how the F*** they know when you are about to detach but it damn sure seems as soon as I am about to she comes right back. I've never had enough breathing room to just get enough work in on myself. I am not a full victim that I do know. It's especially worse with my belief of them being conscious of what they are doing. Trust me Ive been kicking myself all damn week long. Last month it even cost me money and this pay check I did not bonus because last month my performance reflected how I was feeling. That extra grand I would have gotten as usual would have gone to some more therapy sessions but now I gotta wait. However I will say this I am back on track this month and I looked at my stats and Im top in my district again. I will bonus for next months check. Just a reality that these people are parasites and pure poison. They could be conscious with my theory or they could be unconscious with your theory but your right who gives a f*** they need to keep they're disordered asses far away and we hold the key to keeping them away. Now If I could just keep my strength long enough and stop being so damn weak.

It's a damn shame Narallen I am very attractive and have always get attention from women. My BPD ex has never had a man as attractive as me before. I actually hid the fact that I could dance from her and when we would go to parties I would just sit down knowing how insecure she was. I couldn't dance Salsa but everything else I easily could have.  I danced with her once with just us alone in my apartment and the next day she went overboard with her insecurities. I have so many talents I'm not even using and I've built my body so well that I'm starting to look like a damn fitness model. However on the inside I feel like I have her inside me. I bring the attraction thing up because I should be out enjoying myself this summer dating like a normal man should. I know damn well thats not even possible with the state that I'm in. I go over my friends houses all the time and if there are girls there 9 times out of the 10 either they are on me immediately or when I leave they tell one of my friends to see if I'm single or not. At this point I had to open up to my friends and tell them I'm literally nauseated at times thinking of anything sex related or dating related. I just keep thinking that it is not fair that I feel like this while she is out hopping around from D to D. I feel so ugly inside. Every time I feel ok somehow I fall right back into feeling worthless. I literally feel exactly like how she did me towards the end. I feel like I'm worthless garbage that has been thrown away. I know my journey at this point has to be alone I can feel it but it just sucks. My sex drive is gone. Even when women look at me I tend to start feeling anxiety and pure chaotic inside. I hate this Narallen I really do
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!