Do They Have A Script?

[pininterest]

Yes. Everyone else thinks my ex is the most caring person on earth.

In the idealization phase, my friend who met her told me she is very kind and "seems" to love you.

However, sometimes I think they don't really care. There might be the case that because of the loss of self and the quilt they feel, they try persuade

themselves that they are nice by showing care to other people. 

In our first date I asked her: "Are you really so sensitive, vulnerable and fragile as you seem".

And this came to me without knowing anything about BPD or her behaviour.

Very interesting. I'm once again amazed by the similarities in our stories. On my end, her friends thought she was very caring as well, particularly given her Christian belief. Her ups and downs, her unability to cope with stressful situations and her overexcitement would be seen as pure emotional fragility, full stop.

With regards to your persuasion point, I think I read somewhere that BPD people "can talk the talk, but cannot walk the talk". I believe this somewhat illustrates what you're saying here. There is an apparence of care and empathy and they try to persuade themselves of such a behaviour, but this is not about that in the end.

As I raised before, I still can't figure out the proportion of true talk (e.g. an ephemere instant of care) vs. a controlling talk (the care signal is deliberately built up to manipulate). For me, I think decoding the script is the hardest thing.

'I'm a monster'

'I'm so stupid, I don't deserve to be happy'

The last two were usually after I said things like that I couldn't stay on the phone, or disagreed with an opinion.

'You're a coward and a liar' - after my first attempt at NC got this, over and over, on my answering machine.

These ones are quite rough. Every time we were facing a tense dialogue, she would say: ":)on't patronise me" as I was trying to bring the conversation to a more rationale level. I finally realised in the end it was vain, ending up in apologising myself. She happily took that as an act of weakness to conclude "Here you go again, saying "Im sorry, I'm sorry"". After a couple of minutes, the negative script was completed. Back to square one. Play the track from the beginning... .

[maternal]

I heard lots of "love is not enough."  

My ex said "I'm a monster," long before confessing his diagnosis.  I don't know when he was diagnosed, but it may have been a few weeks before telling me of his monster-ness because that's the last time he was in therapy.  He never said it again after that, but he would say that "it's not fair to you to only get half of a boyfriend" and "I can't be the man that you deserve" quite often.

In the case of my ex, he was very shy and unsure of himself in initial interactions with others.  But, everyone loves him.  He is the first boyfriend that I ever brought home to meet my family and they all really liked him, as does most anyone that meets him.

[LoveLove]

(please correct me if I'm wrong) - but I read somewhere that they're not good at being manipulative (with their words), because they get 'found out' early on.

And I never experienced the 'rage' - which is when the "I hate you" and everything else comes out. Did anyone experience the person just going into a deep depression?

I'm still questioning whether my guy has BPD... . because not all traits match. The initial and intense "love" came early like everyone else's story... . but nothing after that exactly matches.

[Narellan]

My ex never raged it self harmed. To me he seemed like he had depression but he always said he was so happy and he loved his life. All a coverup. Even after he left me he only painted me grey, never really smeared me.

[LoveLove]

Can self-harm come in different forms? I'm reading a lot about cutting, but are there other activities that they partake in that are risky and they KNOW they are?

I feel as though they are also very calculated in what they say and when they say it... . when your SO's made these statements, was it with an intense look?

[Pecator]

Here is a twist.

I went to my uBpdex's place tonight to visit her kids. I love these boys. I know this will not last, but know it will not last. Her other partners left without ever speaking to her. I am hopeful they learn that all men do not abandon them (but that is another subject).

Of course, being in very LC, she was not there.

While visiting, I jumped on the computer that I left with her to check some stuff. It seemed natural as we lived together for 2+ years.

I noticed she created an Icon for her email... . I couldn't resist

I didn't snoop too much except to do a search for all emails sent from her new object.

In the five months she has been with him, only a week since we were apart, there were only 4 emails (she has a business where she keeps all her emails).

The fourth was very telling and supportive of this thread

He is off on one of his many business trips. They obviously do not communicate by email.

For the first time he emails her saying "Just landed in Hong Kong, "I think of you, I miss you, and I love you."

She responds, " what a sweet little surprises! You are the love of my life baby! XO"

It seams the script includes me.

[corraline]

Mine had an intense look.  He said people were intimidated by his eyes.

My ex gave very contradictory messages.

I don't want any drama

Don't abandon yourself

Take care of YOURSELF

My love for you is more mature

I don't believe in soul mates

I don't like women with lists (what kind of men they want to be in relationship with)

I want a mature woman, there are too many little girls wandering around in womens bodies

Just be with me

creating drama and chaos by lying, behaving cruelly and humiliating me in front of others in public

i love you more than any other woman i have ever been with

i trust you more than... .

you are breaking down my defenses

i want us to live together (pretty much at the start)

very poor boundaries with me and others

withdrawing/silent treatment

calling me very abusive names

sexually objectifying me and other women

its you and me against the world

i am a "protector"

you have never met anyone like me before

i am a vampire

i could go on forever, probably much the same as others but these are just a few.

[Narellan]

Haha I just remembered another one

" I'm a national icon. You're so lucky to be going out with a national icon"

" I'm so much better looking than you are"

These were often said in jest, he always was making me laugh by making these ridiculous statements. He was laughing too. He wasn't serious, just bloody funny.

He also said " I hate labels. Can't it just be what it is" this is after denying we were anything but friends. I was so hurt he said just friends, literally hours after he said other love of his life type stuff.

[LoveLove]

In my case, he thought that *I* was better than he was - so he was insecure. Did anyone else experience this? Again, I'm still trying to figure out if he has BPD.

And did anyone have their SO wBPD talk about marriage and the future early on?

[corraline]

I said some things to him too that im sure he could call a script. ( i can be pretty mama bearish when someone i love is being hurt "protector" ) ( i felt closer to him than i have ever been with anyone and i told him this ) he was always trying to figure out how i behaved or what happened in my previous relationships.   Questioning whether i was the type to abandon first when i got scared to avoid rejection... . sexual questions that he didn't have any business knowing about... . stuff like that.  he was often trying to see if i had any patterns in my ex relationships.  sure i do in some ways.  i am who i am but everyone was different and those relationships had different dynamics and brought out different aspects of myself .

if i didnt remember a detail he would act like i was avoiding the answer.

[Narellan]

Yeah Corraline mine asked me what I'd liked about an ex, I said about his spirit, he was Buddhist and very arty. He never wore shoes. I loved his calm soul.

The next few times exBPD turned up without shoes!

[LoveLove]

Creepy.

So they change into what they think you want... . but when they see they can't maintain it, that's when they bolt.

[Narellan]

They do and say anything so you'll love them. My exBPD took me to a movie that was fairly distressing, and afterward he said " the whole time I was thinking Narellan will hate me for bringing her to see this" so insecure. So wanting to be loved but no sense of self.

[pininterest]

In my case, he thought that *I* was better than he was - so he was insecure. Did anyone else experience this? Again, I'm still trying to figure out if he has BPD.

And did anyone have their SO wBPD talk about marriage and the future early on?

(please correct me if I'm wrong) - but I read somewhere that they're not good at being manipulative (with their words), because they get 'found out' early on.

And I never experienced the 'rage' - which is when the "I hate you" and everything else comes out. Did anyone experience the person just going into a deep depression?

I'm still questioning whether my guy has BPD... . because not all traits match. The initial and intense "love" came early like everyone else's story... . but nothing after that exactly matches.

Lovelove - as people on this site and a psychologist would tell you, you cannot formally say that someone has BPD until he/she is formally diagnosed by a specialist. I believe I was in the same situation as you until recently though. I got some relative comfort from my analysis, readings (through sources such like this website) and conversations held with a psychologist that my ex was very likely to be BPD.

You don't necessarily need to have all the traits. Mine, for example, never showed hate during the relationship or made attempt to harm herself. But she would make me feel responsible for anything going wrong in the relationship.

Like in your case, the intense love was there very early on, with long-term projections clearly signalling a desire to be engaged/married. She also asked me to move in with her (which I did) after 5 months. Like in your case, she was insecure, "not sure about things in her life", abnormally anxious or tense when difficult situations would arise.

One could say this is mere depression. Again, based on what I was told and my personal reading, I don't think it was. The way things crashed in the end (she broke up abruptly, remotely and went completely silent) is not for me the sign of someone just depressed going through a rough time. The greatest difficulty for us is attempting to understand what's going on with some rationale glasses. You just can't.

[LoveLove]

So he KNEW you would hate him for taking you to that movie, yet, he took you anyway?

[Narellan]

No we both wanted to see it " 12 years a slave" just didn't realise it was so brutal. I really loved the movie. I just thought it bizarre that he thought my feelings for him would be swayed by a movie...

[LoveLove]

I see... . so he felt that he had possibly disappointed you (that fear of abandonment probably had kicked in).

[Narellan]

Who knows ? He certainly didn't worry about disappointing me when he replaced me with my friend.

[LoveLove]

Good point. They seem to feel they disappoint their SO's with insignificant things.

[earthgirl]

Very interesting post.  I heard all of these:

"I feel so safe when I'm with you"

"You deserve someone better"

"I love you" one day "I love you but not all the way" the next.

"Your so good to me, your spoiling me"

"I'm attracted to what a great father you are"

"You are so special to me"

"This is the most normal relationship I've ever had"

There's more but I feel like I'm gonna throw up!  Lol!  It's important not to hold onto any of this.

Every.Single.One.Of.These.

Kinda scary, these similarities.

Of course, mine says "mother," Instead of father, as I am female.  


That whole, "I love you, but not all the way" thing.  The first time he said that to me, I was all, "What in the world?" He actually said it slightly differently:  I had "90 percent of his heart.". I'm like, yeah, thanks for quantifying that for me, lemme know when we are up to 99... .  

[Narellan]

Mine had said all the adorations in my first post then dumped me a day later saying we were just friends. I said " but you told me you love me". He got a bit annoyed and replied "Narellan!  I love being with you ... . " At which point I hung up saying I felt sick.

I had just got back from a 5 day interstate " honeymoon" with him and wed never been closer.

[Red Sky]

Two weeks after I met her, my ex asked if it was okay if her mother flew over to meet me. So yeah, talking kind of committed relationship straight away.

Months after I explicitly stated that I did not want a romantic relationship with her, she gave me a birthday present: a style of jewelry which is typically used to commemorate an engagement in her culture. She told me it meant friendship but I'm a silversmith and the meaning didn't escape me... .

[maternal]

In my case, he thought that *I* was better than he was - so he was insecure. Did anyone else experience this? Again, I'm still trying to figure out if he has BPD.

And did anyone have their SO wBPD talk about marriage and the future early on?

My ex had already named our unborn children and he spoke of marriage very, very early on. He said "I love you" alarmingly early and I did not return those words for quite some time later.  He picked out the Villa in Spain that we'd live and planned the garden we'd have... .

He was exceedingly insecure.  We both belong to the same profession and he would constantly tell me "you're better than me"  and "you know more than me."  But in the end, all of his browbeating and lecturing were all to "empower" me and "make me better."  Everything was "The 48 Laws of Power" and "The Art of War" and strategy and chess with him. He always lectured from a place of perceived perfection on his part, despite the fact that he was never happy about his career progression, nor did he have as much confidence in himself as would come across in his speeches. 

[Blimblam]

ok, see the confusing thing for me as the EX SO of a pwBPDw I found both of us saying many of these things I hear you all saying.

-no one understands our connection

-I've never loved anyone like this before

-I'll always love you

etc... a lot of the things I see you posting I found myself saying also. It was mutual.  WHat does it mean?

[Red Sky]

Blimblam have you read this? It's about how BPD romances typically go.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[DrJones]

Oh God! I wanted to add some from my wife, but you have written them all! I can't believe it (maybe because "I am not a real man" or "I cannot understand it"?)

[Turkish]

Oh God! I wanted to add some from my wife, but you have written them all! I can't believe it (maybe because "I am not a real man" or "I cannot understand it"?)

I got something like this, due to the machismo culture from which my uBPDx hails... . in combination with her American feminist tendencies, which signaled, "I appreciate that you don't try to control me." Alternately, "sometimes you need to take control and say, 'Woman, this is how its going to be!'." Nothing short of confusing 

[BlondeRunner]

WOW! So reading this was eerie!

"You're my rock" was a favourite, also "I'll love you until the end of the Earth", "I'll spend every day of my life making you the happiest girl on Earth", "You give me strength", "You give me a reason to be better" oh and the particularly poetic "I will love you past the end of days, until the sky falls to the Earth and forever after".

Yeah. They were all fairly recent and ... . I am currently blocked on all his social media and haven't heard from him in over two weeks 

It's so weird what you guys say about them copying you. I am a gym bunny, he wasn't and that was fine yet he decided to take out a full blown expensive gym membership and hire a personal trainer! That lasted about 3 months!

[Madison66]

Lots and lots of unhealthy lines from my uBPD/NPD of 3+ years:

"I will never leave you"

"There is nothing wrong with a woman showing her man she is in demand" - repeated response to my objections to her remaining on an online dating site nearly six months in to our r/s and also with flirting with guys right in front of me

"I should be able to say anything to my partner" - repeated response to me objecting to verbal abuse

"I need you to be my rock"

"You can't handle my life" - repeated response when I'd object to the chaos she was attempting to lay on me

"I did it because I love you" - repeated response to me calling her out on obvious emotional blackmail and the last instance of physical abuse

"I've never had these issues in any other r/s" - repeated response when I'd object to her treatment of me

"I only want to share my problems with you" - repeated response to my objection of her vomiting every life issue on to me and not sharing with anyone else

"I feel like sex is the only thing you share with me that you don't share with your daughter" - repeated statement during the r/s when she felt jealous of my daughter

"I hate myself! I hate myself! I hate myself!" - repeated said as she would hit herself on her head with a closed fist

"I'm a horrible girlfriend" - said just about any time I'd bring up an issue or struggle I was having with her behavior

The list goes on and on and on, but the greatest thing is that I no longer have that crap (abuse, unhealthiness, etc.) in my life.  I am in a new r/s with a fantastic lady (non PD).  Anytime she is having an off day, is clingy, hormonal, etc she comes right out almost immediately and says how she feels and that it has nothing to do with me.  She then expresses her appreciation at how kind, understanding and patient I am with her.  WOW - I can't tell you how much of a departure it is to hear this vs what I allowed myself to endure in my previous r/s!

[StayPositive]

Hi maternal/ all,

Interesting that you started this topic.  I thought about this as well many times, and was wondering if BDFs globally use the same phrase. Maybe BDFs exists predominantly in Western countries (I doubt so)?

I started a blog - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226547.0;topicseen

Stay Positive