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Author Topic: Things your ex said after abandoning you for your replacement  (Read 7046 times)
Penumbra66
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Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
Posts: 93



« Reply #60 on: September 06, 2014, 11:25:01 PM »

I had completely forgotten about this one. My ex sent me a youtube link to this Grateful Dead song the day after telling me she felt "compelled" to see where her relationship with her married boyfriend would go.

What do you want me to do

to do for you to see you through

A box of rain will ease the pain

and love will see you through


What reason would she have sent this, after abandoning me? I wasn't sure if this was a message of reconciliation, an apology, or a sign of her love and commitment. I wondered if I had missed a text or email from her, because by itself, it made no sense. I thought she couldn't possibly mean that she wanted to be there for me while she transitioned to my replacement, but when we spoke later, I realized that was exactly what she meant.

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Cocoon

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« Reply #61 on: September 06, 2014, 11:42:50 PM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?



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Infared
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« Reply #62 on: September 07, 2014, 01:26:57 AM »

I had completely forgotten about this one. My ex sent me a youtube link to this Grateful Dead song the day after telling me she felt "compelled" to see where her relationship with her married boyfriend would go.

What do you want me to do

to do for you to see you through

A box of rain will ease the pain

and love will see you through


What reason would she have sent this, after abandoning me? I wasn't sure if this was a message of reconciliation, an apology, or a sign of her love and commitment. I wondered if I had missed a text or email from her, because by itself, it made no sense. I thought she couldn't possibly mean that she wanted to be there for me while she transitioned to my replacement, but when we spoke later, I realized that was exactly what she meant.

The insanity of their "reasoning" is not something that I will ever understand.
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JohnLove
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« Reply #63 on: September 07, 2014, 01:51:20 AM »

Mine also talked about her brother in an odd way and he does look slightly "off". Man I don't want to even consider that horror.

Don't mean to go off thread but my exgf had a weird friendship with her half brother. He's 10 years younger but she goes on about how good looking he is, how lovely he is etc etc. She also talks about his conquests and even sets up her friends with him. Its as if she gets her friends to live the life she wants. It always gave me a creepy incestuous feeling. I don't think it was reciprocated on his behalf though.

My BPDgf had very concerning interactions with her half brother that included talking about and fantasising about sexual relations and running away together.     This went on for 2 years behind my back and started before before we hooked up and then continued until I found out and went ballistic. She couldn't understand it... .my reaction... .she finally agreed to end the "relationship" with this man that was 10 years her junior. We even went to her T about it, it was that bad.

To this day I still can't understand any of it... .
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #64 on: September 07, 2014, 02:54:22 AM »

I have come across a few posts where the ex seems to say the same things my ex said to me when she left me for my replacement after a year and a half. Reading a few of these posts made me feel a bit less crazy, placing the blame squarely on the BPD. Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?


It was kind of a lark. She sent some really interesting, articulate emails on a dating website, so I decided to ask her out. I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten. She kept texting me and we made plans to see each other again, but I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.

Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead. I really didn't think it would last for long. As we got more serious, the out was that she was supposed to go to grad school next year. With that I expected our relationship to end, on what I thought would be good terms. I often fantasized about a life together, but that seemed unfair and unrealistic of me, given the age difference. Still, I felt secure in our friendship. She always portrayed herself as a loyal, committed companion, even after--especially  after--supposedly ending her first fling with my replacement.

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Cocoon

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« Reply #65 on: September 07, 2014, 05:35:26 AM »

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.
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Bak86
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« Reply #66 on: September 07, 2014, 05:48:36 AM »

Some others i just remembered:

"I don't know what love is" (her having a bright moment for once?)

"You can't force someone to love you"
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #67 on: September 07, 2014, 02:32:38 PM »

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.

The consensus among my family and friends (and later my therapsist) was that there are never any guarantees in any relationship, and that if you treat each other with love and respect, that is really all you can ask for. I was very realistic about eventually parting ways for variety of reasons, mostly because I understood that she would need to grow and experience life on her own. I tried to be grounded in my expectations, and that was something that I was often reminded of by the people in my life. The two of us often discussed our future, including the good possibility that her departure for graduate school next year would likely bring our relationship to an end, although often she pressed me if I would be willing to continue seeing her. But we had clearly defined our relationship as monogamous on both sides, with expectations of fidelity. And believe it or not, we often had a fascinating conversations about art and aesthetics, philosophy, sociology, and many other topics. We spent a good portion of each week together. She was also the most physically affectionate human being I've ever met. I was with her because I enjoyed her company and cared about her very, very much.

As for describing her as being a "beautiful, smart, charming little thing," I only mentioned her size because it made me feel more protective of her. She pointed out how scary it was to be a woman of her size out in the world, particularly living and working in dangerous neighborhoods. She claimed that was one of the reasons why she remained a partial shut in, and that vulnerability brought out my co-dependent tendencies.

While she certainly had borderline traits early on, BPD was nothing I had any awareness of at the time. As difficult and demanding is she often was, she also seemed like a very open, honest, and trustworthy person. During the affair, she still insisted that she loved me, adored me, was "so happy" to have me in her life, thought I was her "best" lover, etc. In fact, the night she dumped me after I realized the affair was still continuing, she sent me a text message a few hours later stating "I really do love you." She continued to tell me that during her relationship with my replacement. Being with him, apparently, was something that she needed "right now."I should also add that she was an addict in recovery, sober for two years, but during the affair, a daily user. I didn't find out about her past drug and alcohol addictions for quite some time.

Until the very end, she had never shown such a complete lack of empathy before. She was a wonderful actress, and I felt blindsided. I felt like I had been manipulated, used and discarded once I was no longer useful. And I don't think you can blame that on her age.
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drummerboy
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« Reply #68 on: September 07, 2014, 05:28:36 PM »

I've been reading this thread with interest. My uBPDexgf was 19 years younger. When we first met she was in a relationship, living with him. I made it clear at the start that I was only interested in friendship (we had a mutual passion) Well, she made the moves and within a week she decided to split up with her partner and was all over me like a rash. She would visit or want contact almost daily and when we were not together she was calling me/texting/skyping non stop. I was a bit overwhelmed but loved the affections of a much younger woman. Quite early on she started talking about our age difference. I actually think that it was her parents objection to our age difference, not hers. She had really bad anxiety so worried herself sick about everything and our difference, in her mind was something that never left her head. To cut a long story short. I eventually met her parents and it wasn't long after that she decided to bail and wanted no contact. I assume she has gone back to her ex (10 years older than her and totally co-dependent with very low self esteem) She too was very short 4' 11". Right at the end she asked me if I thought she had daddy issues.

Below is a list of things said to me. Please feel free to comment or add to this list.

[... .]

As you get older, breakups hurt less and less (me:48; her:24)

I recognize many of your statements from the BPD person. It's painful!

You chose a romantic partner 24 years younger than you. What were your reasons for choosing her? Do you feel they the right reasons?

It was kind of a lark. [... .]

I had no idea why someone her age would be interested in someone my age, and I was curious. I assumed we'd have a bite to eat, talk for a bit, and then I'd never see her again. [... .]

Unfortunately, she was this beautiful, smart, charming little thing, and I was immediately smitten.[... .]

I never expected a second date. We ended up together for a year and a half.  Did I do it for the right reasons? I never thought that far ahead.

"Never thought that far ahead."

You mention your attraction to this "beautiful, smart, charming little thing" (interesting noun choice) 24 years your junior. You mention at least 4 times that you never thought it'd turn into anything... .

Choosing a partner, and doing good self care, are our own responsibility.

I challenge you to own your part here, and understand that I have sympathy for the heart break you went through due to her BPD actions.

You also chose this person for your own reasons, and your intention is yours.

I appreciate your request for feedback.

The consensus among my family and friends (and later my therapsist) was that there are never any guarantees in any relationship, and that if you treat each other with love and respect, that is really all you can ask for. I was very realistic about eventually parting ways for variety of reasons, mostly because I understood that she would need to grow and experience life on her own. I tried to be grounded in my expectations, and that was something that I was often reminded of by the people in my life. The two of us often discussed our future, including the good possibility that her departure for graduate school next year would likely bring our relationship to an end, although often she pressed me if I would be willing to continue seeing her. But we had clearly defined our relationship as monogamous on both sides, with expectations of fidelity. And believe it or not, we often had a fascinating conversations about art and aesthetics, philosophy, sociology, and many other topics. We spent a good portion of each week together. She was also the most physically affectionate human being I've ever met. I was with her because I enjoyed her company and cared about her very, very much.

As for describing her as being a "beautiful, smart, charming little thing," I only mentioned her size because it made me feel more protective of her. She pointed out how scary it was to be a woman of her size out in the world, particularly living and working in dangerous neighborhoods. She claimed that was one of the reasons why she remained a partial shut in, and that vulnerability brought out my co-dependent tendencies.

While she certainly had borderline traits early on, BPD was nothing I had any awareness of at the time. As difficult and demanding is she often was, she also seemed like a very open, honest, and trustworthy person. During the affair, she still insisted that she loved me, adored me, was "so happy" to have me in her life, thought I was her "best" lover, etc. In fact, the night she dumped me after I realized the affair was still continuing, she sent me a text message a few hours later stating "I really do love you." She continued to tell me that during her relationship with my replacement. Being with him, apparently, was something that she needed "right now."I should also add that she was an addict in recovery, sober for two years, but during the affair, a daily user. I didn't find out about her past drug and alcohol addictions for quite some time.

Until the very end, she had never shown such a complete lack of empathy before. She was a wonderful actress, and I felt blindsided. I felt like I had been manipulated, used and discarded once I was no longer useful. And I don't think you can blame that on her age.

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woofhound
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« Reply #69 on: September 07, 2014, 05:35:48 PM »

After my ex cheated on me, she said, "Yeah I slept with him. He had the body of a God. Looked like Adonis." 

Then after we reconciled, I asked if it was as good as our sex. She said, "Not even close." After that, I made the mistake of having sex with her again. She had three orgasms and did the greatest O faces... .I told her, "He may have had the body of Adonis, but I know where your orgasm button is."

A few days later she left me... .I hope she is missing my prowess  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Penumbra66
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Posts: 93



« Reply #70 on: September 07, 2014, 05:42:20 PM »

I just thought of another disturbing thing she told me. I told her that infatuation was her drug, and that she would never know what real love was. She said if that was the case, she would just kill herself. Deep down, I suspect she knows that love – real love, not infatuation – is something she may never know.
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DiamondSW
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« Reply #71 on: September 07, 2014, 07:32:30 PM »

quite good this thread... .

hmmmm... "Let go and let god"... .that's about all i got.  She found god and was 'reborn' so all the nasty stuff she'd done or said in the past wasn't to be reminded to her... .(errr... .the bloke you went with and who then threatened you?)

she did ask me for help paying her bills afterwards though... .  so she couldn't 'let go' (of me)... .presumably because god didn't have the capacity to pay her rent? 

TBH even to this day, I haven't a clue what let go and let god means, certainly in her context.  Just added to the BS and utter confusion. 

She would have said anything to anyone if it meant she didn't have to work, felt accepted by her family and could lead a lazy, easy, rather vacuous life.  Religion was just a faddish tool at the time... . 
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Infern0
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« Reply #72 on: September 07, 2014, 07:37:30 PM »

quite good this thread... .

hmmmm... "Let go and let god"... .that's about all i got.  She found god and was 'reborn' so all the nasty stuff she'd done or said in the past wasn't to be reminded to her... .(errr... .the bloke you went with and who then threatened you?)

she did ask me for help paying her bills afterwards though... . so she couldn't 'let go' (of me)... .presumably because god didn't have the capacity to pay her rent?  

TBH even to this day, I haven't a clue what let go and let god means, certainly in her context.  Just added to the BS and utter confusion.  

She would have said anything to anyone if it meant she didn't have to work, felt accepted by her family and could lead a lazy, easy, rather vacuous life.  Religion was just a faddish tool at the time... . 

Haha I got the religious crap too. Called me up one day and out of left field began Raving at me like a brainwashed fanatic,  and telling me god was going to show her the way and tgat he has a plan for her and it made her feel so good,  and that when she thought of the replacement she just got this warm feeling from God that she was supposed to save him!

I can laugh at it now but at the time it was no laughing matter,  how on earth do you process that!

I think she was religious for about 3 days
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DiamondSW
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« Reply #73 on: September 07, 2014, 07:58:07 PM »

Yes, it really was religious 'crap' as you said.

It was like she took the bible, read it, selected key phrases, twisted them, added her own ego (analysis) based upon having a degree (not in theology, but in travel & tourism naturally), and then used those phrases to justify everything.  All her mistakes were to be forgiven (and forgotten conveniently) because 'God loves her' and we are all sons of a higher presence. 

After the relationship, I decided to enrol in bible class at her church (she, naturally wasn't there -too hard!) just to work out where the hell her phrases had come from.  It was a rather happy clappy place, and yes, word for word, her quotes came from someone else's mouth...

The girl had no ideas/feelings/words of her own.  None.  She was just a mouthpiece.  No 'self'... . 

Oh, final bit.  Now (apparently) she doesn't believe in sex before marriage and her reborn state is pure.  Bit late for that love... .  think the fella before me also might be a little surprised.  And the arranged marriage dude... and the... and the... . 

Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Feel sorry for true Christians and people of healthy and loving faith.  BPD's don't half manipulate it
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Infern0
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« Reply #74 on: September 07, 2014, 08:03:21 PM »

Yes, mine had "been to see a pastor" and I think it was one of those happy clappy places. She was not the brightest bulb in the box, not to say she was stupid but she didn't posses impressive intellect,  so I think she was literally parroting the pastors words back at me. She also began posting scripture quotes on her social media. Telling everyone she was so happy and all her problems were gone.

All this only lasted about 3 days before she was over it, I'd avoided her for a couple of days and got a "please help me my life is so bad" text. I actually said to her after that she seemed really into it and why had she given up on it but of course that was met with "I don't want to talk about it" just like the reasons why her life was bad, she had no reasons just wanted me to go running over and comfort her as per.

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DiamondSW
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« Reply #75 on: September 07, 2014, 08:37:14 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

brunette?

5ft 10, middle-eastern,

never worked a day in her life

took her to the age of 29 to get the qualifications I had at 21

"hands up in the air" (like you just don't care, la, la, la)

11.10am appointment.  Every Friday.  Without fail.

Arrived 11.20am.  Late.  Every Friday.  Without fail.

Poor pastors... .that's all I can say. 

She had a really easy life.  Money from mummy every month, hair allowance, clothes allowance... .  pfffffff... .

She did care about the homeless though... .  God knows what they thought when she quoted god to them and handed themm her leftover Harrods food hall dinners. Patronising? noo
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enlighten me
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« Reply #76 on: September 07, 2014, 09:10:37 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

I wonder if any of us on here are on about the same person?

One I forgot my ex wife said. She was on about her new boyfriend and said "His bonus this year bought his new Jaguar" Talk about trying to rub it in.
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Infern0
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« Reply #77 on: September 07, 2014, 09:17:57 PM »

Oh Inferno... .we must have dated the same girl?

I wonder if any of us on here are on about the same person?

One I forgot my ex wife said. She was on about her new boyfriend and said "His bonus this year bought his new Jaguar" Talk about trying to rub it in.

Chances are there are some people on here talking about the same person. When I went to counselling and mentioned the name of mine I could have sworn the counsiller raised an eyebrow, and some of her responses very early in our first talk lead me to belive she has heard that name before
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« Reply #78 on: September 07, 2014, 10:50:30 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic. Please feel free to start a new thread.
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