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Author Topic: Last thing you or BPD said before going no contact  (Read 8197 times)
WhoMe51
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« Reply #60 on: October 12, 2014, 08:49:20 AM »

I told her that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me anymore.  She replied, "I promise I won't."  That's what she said the time before and before that and before that.  It just became a vicious circle. 
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sl1978

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« Reply #61 on: October 12, 2014, 11:13:25 PM »

Last thing she said "I need to think about it! we shall talk about this next week!". Never heard from her again.

I was told the exact same thing! Not even sure if my wife has BPD, but she left five weeks ago, barely any explanation, wouldn't tell me where she was moving to, and no word from her since. I found out from others she had been having an affair for a couple months before she left. Right before the affair started, she told me that she had been sexually abused as a child, but did not want to talk about it or tell me anymore. I know that she is "out there" at least because I have seen her drive by several times (our balcony overlooks a main road in town) and on her website she is posting about upcoming gigs she has (she's a musician). All attempts to email her or call/text have been ignored.

Does this sound like someone with BPD? I don't know what (if anything) I should be doing. I am so hurt and angry about the affair, but also genuinely concerned for her if she is mentally ill. We were together 7 years, married 5, and she's still technically my wife. I just feel totally lost and I miss her so much.
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gtjosefs

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« Reply #62 on: October 13, 2014, 12:03:17 AM »

Background:  Last night I called the police on her because she was at my house, a violation of the restraining order against her (not the first time she violated it).  She saw the cop, sped off and wasn't arrested.  She continued to text me until 2:36 a.m. knowing that I had to wake up at 5 a.m. (I didn't). 

10:37 am:

Her:  I still want to talk to you

Me.  I missed community service... .thanks a lot

Her: Can you please stop seeking revenge against me?

Me:  XXXXXX, we don't have anything to talk about except visitation with Hudson (our child)

Her:  Even if you can't do it for me, stop for XXXX (her other child) and Hudson.

Her:  Everthing we do to each other good or bad to each other has an impact on Hudson.  We can't change the past.  We are adults and can do better than we've both done

Me:  XXXXXX, it's over.  It's been over.

Her:  I'm not trying to get back together with you

Me:  XXXXXX, we don't have anything to talk about except visitation with Hudson

Her:  Why do you think that talking about what's necessary to give Hudson a better life isn't worth talking about?

Me:  XXXXXX, we don't have anything to talk about except visitation with Hudson

Her:  If you're really wanting to leave this world a better place than when you got here, stop wreaking havoc into it

Me:  XXXXXX, we don't have anything to talk about except visitation with Hudson

Her:  I refuse to repeat this cycle of dysfunction.  If you ever want to get to the point of really being able to co-parent with me you have to face this.  Otherwise, you're exactly right all we will discuss is visitation.  You won't really have much to do with his life.  I'm not sure why you don't see this. 

Her:  Think about please.  One day when you're old and pondering on your memories you may regret not being more involved with Hudson.  If things remain this way between us it will be impossible for you to really be his father.  I hope you understand what I'm saying>

Her:  I say all this because I love my son.  I want him to have the best life I can provide for him.  Our war has an impact on him

Me:  XXXXXX, we don't have anything to talk about except visitation with Hudson

Her:  You're not a person that has the ability to reason.  I've known this but thought just maybe you'd try for Hudson.  At least I know that I did attempt to make things better.

Her:  I hope you completed your paperwork for Safe last week.  I called to make sure they had everything they needed for me.

The last message was received at 11:06 am.

She will soon be charged with multiple felonies and misdemeanors stemming from her violations of the restraining order, assault, impersonation, and failure to comply with my court-ordered visitation.

She petitioned the court asking to make me pay for a supervisor during visitation with my son.  Can you believe that?  After all she's done, she petitioned the court accusing me of child abuse.  I don't even believe in spanking.  She is pure evil. 

The modification hearing on my visitation is on the 29th.  She will probably be in jail at that time.

In the meantime, I will continue to ask her to comply with my visitation on every scheduled visitation day only to receive irrational and irrelevant responses.  Ultimately, my visitation with my son will not happen.

This will never end.  There will be no "final communication."

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Infared
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« Reply #63 on: October 13, 2014, 10:22:33 AM »

Mine had run off with new supply a week before Christmas (we lived together 5 yrs)... .lying to everyone... her family, me, the new guy... .everyone... .

I was in shock and upset and could not understand what was going on... and she turned into someone I did not know... and the rest of the story is like so many here.

... .So... .I had this loss... .then I had to move out of our home (only one income), and my Mom got sick and died over a period of a year. It was a tough time... .I had to handle all of this by myself... I got into therapy and got into a self-help group which made a big difference. I instituted NC and really stuck with it.  I move to my hometown and found out that that was where she decided to locate with new supply? (It was not her hometown?)... .

She had put a note on my car (knows where I live) the night before my Mother's funeral (7th grade? or am I being too generous?)... .I tore it up and did not read it.

... about 6 months go by... .and I am out in front of my apt. putting my MTB on my car and she does a 5x drive-by (I have shades on and give away nothing, but I know that I have incoming!)... .She pull in behind me (I am up on wheel ... strapping my bike in on the roof)... she starts to get out of the car... say "hi" and I say... ."are you still with the guy you ran off with?"... .she says "yes" and I say "Goodbye!".   It was actually kind of comical (but the situation was not!) because she never even got out of the car... .it looked like someone pulled her back in on a string and she drove off.  I was VERY upset and emotional... .I loved her so much and it just was painful.  So then I made my mistake.  I though I had been mean... .and decided to call her.  Her main reason for coming by was that she: "wanted to take a walk with me, but that it would not change anything".?  I (was in therapy)... .said ... "so let me get this straight, you want me to take a walk with you and right up front you are absolving yourself of any emotional responsibilities for the interaction. So I should talk to you, get close to you, want to be with you and then you are going to leave and go sleep with XXXX, and I am going to go home alone? Right?" She says... ."well, yeah... ." I said ... ."um... that is absolutely not going to happen. I would not be being a very good friend to myself if I did that, now would I? Absolutely not!" ... .I got ... .Silence.

The conversation was really bad and creepy... .(she said some mean thing about my Mom (My Mom liked her and treated her respectfully) ?)basically there was this person on the phone that I did not know who just appeared that she wanted to "F" with me.  Nothing more. There was certainly no love there.

So I went to see my therapist and talked to her about all of this.  I was REALLY upset.  Then I recorded the following voicemessage and sent it to her phone:

" I talked this situation over with my therapist last night... .During our phone conversation last Sat. you made the statement that: "different people handle situations differently"... .You are right... .Some people handle situations with selfishness, lies and deceit... .and some people handle them  with character, dignity and honesty. I know which person I am... .Which one are you?

You know XXXX, you can't love anybody else until you love yourself... and for you to stop by my house the other day and suggest that I take a walk with you, "that it won't change anything", is just so selfish, arrogant and downright cruel.

I used to think that you were this certain kind of person, and I invested my love, trust and faithfulness in you... and as it turns out, you are not the person that I thought you were at all.  Not even close.  So you have a nice life out there. Stay out of mine.

The last four words got stuck in my throat... but they came out.  Those are the last words that I ever spoke to her.  She haa moved somewhere else... and I think she married my replacement... .but I don't try to find out ANYTHING about her... .she has never contacted me again via any media (I am not on FB or anything)... .nor me her... .but she still tries to walk up to me in public if she is alone... .and I just have none of it... .I turn and walk away. Always. It still bothers me in my heart and soul... .but I just have nothing to say to her.  Nothing.  What... does she want to tell me about the life she is having with the guy she ran off with?   Maybe someday I will shake the hurt... .

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slop

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« Reply #64 on: October 13, 2014, 03:42:40 PM »

After she cut contact with me (mostly because she found another man sucker), and after leaving a couple messages that she never returned (knowing full well that she hit ignore, sending me to voice-mail), I sent her this final text:

"Okay, X, I tried being there for you, but abandonment me was your choice. I won't contact you again, but my door is always open to you. I do wish you well and I hope everything with your DUI* works out."

*she never told me about her DUI, even though I knew, so I may have been mean by dropping that bomb in her lap, sorta' like "you thought you were keeping that from me, but I knew all along. Ha!", but whatever. I also chose my words carefully, since she had her own abandonment issues, I made sure to point out she was doing it to me.

The only coda to this is what I heard from mutual friends, that 6 months later, she got a 2nd DUI and had to spend a month in jail. I can't imagine how a young, pretty blonde girl like her would've fared there. But at least I dodged a bullet, right? I think she's with the same dude though, so I'm sure he must be more resilient than me. I hear he's a good guy, but man, I wouldn't wish her evil on an enemy.
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Arminius
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« Reply #65 on: October 13, 2014, 03:54:54 PM »

Me: "Why do you hate me so much or give me the impression that you hate me?"

Him: "I do not hate you, I do not love you either. I feel nothing for you."

... .after a six year r/s (married for four years)... .

It hurts!

I also had the 'I feel nothing' speeches a few times.

But the last words I ever heard her utter were screeched through my letter box... .

'You ugly little man, I hope you die of cancer.'

I hope I never hear her voice or see her face again.
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Arminius
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« Reply #66 on: October 13, 2014, 04:29:15 PM »

Foolish man:

':)etachment had only been possible by reading this site and having strong friends around. I also wish her the worst in life and don't feel bad for doing so. If I told the whole story on here I'd prob pass out'

I completely understand this quote of yours. This site is a huge support and I also wish her the worst and feel nothing in doing so. And that's hard when yiuve loved someone unconditionally for 7 years, but that's how they can make you feel.

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uncrx

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« Reply #67 on: October 13, 2014, 04:48:28 PM »

The day I caught by exBPD gf lying and cheating I told her that I never wanted to see or talk to her again. She left a letter of apology asking for my forgiveness in my mailbox that afternoon to which I did not respond or react. The next day and since then she has been using a friend of mine to attempt to communicate and provoke a response or reaction from me. NC is driving her crazy and she is using whatever means possible to determine if I am still hooked.

I have maintained NC for almost two months and the hurt has finally subsided. It's actually been kind of entertaining now to see her try to work her old magic.
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misty_red
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« Reply #68 on: October 14, 2014, 01:43:38 AM »

Her last words: "I want you to leave me alone finally" and just days before she told me she never wanted me out of her life (because I said something like: "At some point you have to let me go.". It was always a struggle and I just wanted out in the beginning. So I said that we maybe should stop hurting each other, that this thing between might not be good, then she turned it around and said her last words.
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misty_red
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« Reply #69 on: October 14, 2014, 01:44:15 AM »

In the beginning = in the end
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Fluff
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« Reply #70 on: October 14, 2014, 03:14:47 AM »

Haha wow, gtjosefs! What a flashback from my parents divorce I got by reading what you wrote. Wow. I have some of their phone calls recorded from when I was ten. My dad sounds just like you. My mom was so vicious! Telling me such bad things about my father, trying to make him unemployed, telling my sister he was molesting her in her sleep. Argh! I feel for Hudson... !
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Infared
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« Reply #71 on: October 14, 2014, 06:35:03 AM »

Haha wow, gtjosefs! What a flashback from my parents divorce I got by reading what you wrote. Wow. I have some of their phone calls recorded from when I was ten. My dad sounds just like you. My mom was so vicious! Telling me such bad things about my father, trying to make him unemployed, telling my sister he was molesting her in her sleep. Argh! I feel for Hudson... !

So my question is... ."Why would I EVER want to attempt to have a partnership/relationship with creatures that are capable of this evil, abusive, self-centered behavior?"

... .and everyone of them is capable.

I am so done.  
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OV-105
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« Reply #72 on: October 14, 2014, 07:59:40 AM »

... .because we all try to recreate the familiar aspects of our childhoods - no matter how toxic.  I've learned that I try to recreate the crazy making relationships I had with my parents and with my first true love, one that had to be kept out of sight for all kinds of reasons.  Being in a "normal", healthy relationship feels strange; being with my BPD ex in some ways felt comfortable.  Not always pleasant and certainly not healthy, but it was something that felt "normal." 
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OV-105
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« Reply #73 on: October 14, 2014, 08:02:29 AM »

Or to put it another way, and it's not an original thought, but when it was terrific with my BPD i never felt so alive - even when it was truly awful... .at least it was something.  And by focusing on her problems and pathology, it handily kept me from considering or working on my own.  Even now that she's gone I have to work hard to keep the focus on myself and healing rather on her and the feelings of emptiness, yearning, and of course anger.
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sirius
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« Reply #74 on: October 14, 2014, 08:12:30 AM »

via text after i asked her "how are you?" (7 months post b/u and 5 months LC)

her reply : " Just forget about everything that had happened. Take the opportunity to start a new life. Whatever that happened in the past should remain where they r"
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Deeno02
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« Reply #75 on: October 14, 2014, 08:22:11 AM »

Or to put it another way, and it's not an original thought, but when it was terrific with my BPD i never felt so alive - even when it was truly awful... .at least it was something.  And by focusing on her problems and pathology, it handily kept me from considering or working on my own.  Even now that she's gone I have to work hard to keep the focus on myself and healing rather on her and the feelings of emptiness, yearning, and of course anger.

I loved my BPDgf to the best of my ability and with all my heart and soul, as I was taught to love. Wasnt good enough. Not enough time spent, never got her a gift (?), not capable of showing emotion, never fought for her... .yada, yada, yada. To my BPDgf, I say to you that you never opened your eyes... .or your heart. If you had, you would have seen it.
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freedom33
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« Reply #76 on: October 14, 2014, 08:26:55 AM »

Or to put it another way, and it's not an original thought, but when it was terrific with my BPD i never felt so alive - even when it was truly awful... .

Echo that. I am detached now and life has a different, more mellow and objectively better taste to it but yes. When I was with her I thought I could conquer the world. My endorphin, dopamine, adrenaline levels were off the charts. I have tried a few drugs in my life but none has given me that rush and high that I had with while with her 24/7. What goes up must come down eventually - in this case in flames.
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Mutt
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« Reply #77 on: October 14, 2014, 03:43:38 PM »

Staff only

Thanks for participating in the discussion. Unfortunately the thread has reached it's post limit. You are welcome with opening and starting a new thread. Thank you.
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