How soon did they start to devalue you for the first time?

[Infern0]

For me it was 4 months.  We ended up separated for a week because of my work commitments and when I came back everything had changed.

Suddenly she was cancelling every plan we made at the last minute,  barely texting me,  wouldn't talk to me wouldn't discuss anything. Then got with my replacement and started to accuse me of all sorts.  She kept saying she was "confused" and "didn't know what was right" etc.

Funny enough 4 months after she got with the replacement she started to cheat on him with me and telling me all sorts. So it seems 4 months is her limit

[Hawk Ridge]

3 months both times with me.  She's been with my replacement 6 months and started contacting me 2 months into their r/s.  Wonder how that's going for my replacement.  Maybe she's not as passive as me - maybe that's what she respects instead of someone who won't argue.  Who knows!  Can't try to figure it out anymore.  Sorry to sound snarky - working on my resentment but suspect they were communicating online before she left me so I have a lot more work to do.

[Deeno02]

Oh, and I was devalued around the 6 year mark.

Shortly after we met she ditched all of her friends for me.  I felt kind of honored about that.  I didn't ask her to do it, she just did.  Perhaps her friends had dirt on her and she didn't want them to share it with me?

Well, we made it six years, I got her pregnant a couple of times and built a home for her.  Then she got a new set of stay at home mom friends who had really devalued their husbands.  Guess what?  I got knocked off my pedestal and became devalued also.  It truly sucked.

duh, sounds so much like my ex/gf and her toxic neighbor of 14 years... always b___ed about her and her issues, but told her everything, I literally had 2 during the idealization stage and 2 in the devaluation stage... .christ... .

[workinprogress]

Oh, and I was devalued around the 6 year mark.

Shortly after we met she ditched all of her friends for me.  I felt kind of honored about that.  I didn't ask her to do it, she just did.  Perhaps her friends had dirt on her and she didn't want them to share it with me?

Well, we made it six years, I got her pregnant a couple of times and built a home for her.  Then she got a new set of stay at home mom friends who had really devalued their husbands.  Guess what?  I got knocked off my pedestal and became devalued also.  It truly sucked.

duh, sounds so much like my ex/gf and her toxic neighbor of 14 years... always b___ed about her and her issues, but told her everything, I literally had 2 during the idealization stage and 2 in the devaluation stage... .christ... .

I think these people poison other people's relationships on purpose.  I think one woman in the group single-handedly broke up 3 or 4 marriages.

I would hear her tell the wives that their husbands were having an affair if they worked late.  Then, encourage the women to go out drinking without their husbands.

[Inside]

... .I’d say around three months together she'd began letting slip some of the devaluing remarks from her increasing, yet hidden list of dislikes.  Up until then, her discipline was amazing … because when she’d finally begun to let loose with her cutting remarks - the intensity was incredible!

Consequently, our increased distancing was due in part to what I ‘now realized’ she was thinking - and requiring all her energy to hold within... .  Man ... .do I not miss that

[CareTaker]

For this poll I'm saying when the idolizing stopped, the mask came off, and the pedestal was kicked out from under you.

Yip, that sounds about right. The moment you stop worshipping this dysfunctional god, try getting into a normal relationship and need some support. That is when the wheels come off. You not supposed to expect anything in return. You must just be a constant supply to their needs. Unconditionally.

[billypilgrim]

BillyPilgrim:

When there isn't something they are unhappy with, they find something. What they are really unhappy with is themselves. My husband thinks that leaving me is going to be the "answer" to his unhappiness... .Their problems are always due to someone else... .

Yeah, who can get along with someone who takes so little responsibility, and is always mad... .

All of this especially.  I think what is helping me get through this the most is realizing that we had a finite amount of time together starting at day one.  It didn't seem that way at the time but now I know that I was never going to be able to build myself back up on that pedestal.  Each little thing I did that showed her we weren't enmeshed/"on the same page" was a knock against me.  It was always only a matter of time before I did enough things to make her leave (because apparently, I'm the type that doesn't leave - something I've clearly got to figure out).

And even now I wonder, what else does she think is out there?  I know I can't concern myself with this nonsense but jeez the guilt is a B to get rid of.

[billypilgrim]

She walked out and wanted to separate, I didn't.  But guess who does the research and gets the paperwork drawn up and divvies everything up?  This guy.  How does that make any sense whatsoever?  

My wife left in june. She would "hand me the papers" as regards the divorce and was very confident about how much money she would get out of the house the was rightfully hers.

I meet her twice a week since we have shared custody of our daughter, and she doesn't mention either the divorce or the house. It's starting to become ridiculous and she is clearly waiting for me to take the initiative. I'm not comfortable about doing this since she was the one to leave.

Are you hoping for reconciliation? Are you hoping for her to come around?  Believe me, I wasn't comfortable about handling it either.  Sitting in the lawyers office to draw up separation papers for a divorce I didn't want is one of the most surreal and awkward situations I've ever been in.  But at least it ended up giving me peace of mind regarding the house, assets, and finances.  I'm not going to be in financial shambles, at least.

[Deeno02]

Don't shoot me guys. Sometimes I wish I would have an attempted recycle. At least that wouldn't make me feel as sad as I do, where it seemingly is like those 16 months together didn't mean a damn thing. Like I never existed. It hurts. I should, and am,thankful that there's been no contact,but every now and again,I wonder if I'm ever thought of, or mattered.

[Infern0]

Don't shoot me guys. Sometimes I wish I would have an attempted recycle. At least that wouldn't make me feel as sad as I do, where it seemingly is like those 16 months together didn't mean a damn thing. Like I never existed. It hurts. I should, and am,thankful that there's been no contact,but every now and again,I wonder if I'm ever thought of, or mattered.

All recycling does is makes it worse trust me.

My recycle cost me my job,  lost me most of the few friends I had left and has just prolonged my agony.  There's no good can come of it.

[mrshambles]

hergestridge: Its interesting you said your ex was pleasant during her pregnancy. Mine was an absolute angel during hers, and we had problems even before that. I always wondered if all the hormones during the pregnancy that normally affect women and make them unstable, somehow makes them extremely stable.

[Craydar]

Well in that case I was devalued after about 2 weeks, nothing I ever did was good enough, the only thing she didn't devalue me on was my face, she was obsessed with my face, and it seemed to be the only reason she was

That's quick! I don't think I've gone on even a 3rd date with anyone that quickly

[Craydar]

For this poll I'm saying when the idolizing stopped, the mask came off, and the pedestal was kicked out from under you.

Yip, that sounds about right. The moment you stop worshipping this dysfunctional god, try getting into a normal relationship and need some support. That is when the wheels come off. You not supposed to expect anything in return. You must just be a constant supply to their needs. Unconditionally.

Now I feel glad I had a birthday during the idolizing phase. Although she did postpone our celebration bc she couldn't get her ___ together by my b-day. I can't imagine what crap would have happened 2 months later.

[Craydar]

hergestridge: Its interesting you said your ex was pleasant during her pregnancy. Mine was an absolute angel during hers, and we had problems even before that. I always wondered if all the hormones during the pregnancy that normally affect women and make them unstable, somehow makes them extremely stable.

Interesting. Like Ritalin and Adderal (speed) makes people with ADHD focus and settled. I wonder if there have been any studies on hormones and BPD.

[mrshambles]

That would be an interesting study. That was a period that got me waaaaaaaaaaaay in deep emotionally.

[Deeno02]

Don't shoot me guys. Sometimes I wish I would have an attempted recycle. At least that wouldn't make me feel as sad as I do, where it seemingly is like those 16 months together didn't mean a damn thing. Like I never existed. It hurts. I should, and am,thankful that there's been no contact,but every now and again,I wonder if I'm ever thought of, or mattered.

All recycling does is makes it worse trust me.

My recycle cost me my job,  lost me most of the few friends I had left and has just prolonged my agony.  There's no good can come of it.

I know Inferno. Just trying to still make sense of why I could just be totally dumped with no remorse or thought of me at all. It's like I'm dead to her and her kids. No happy birthday, no happy thanksgiving, no how have you been. It's like I was a bookmarker for her. Something that's needed at the time, but once she stopped reading the book, the marker is thrown out or put away.

[Craydar]

Don't shoot me guys. Sometimes I wish I would have an attempted recycle. At least that wouldn't make me feel as sad as I do, where it seemingly is like those 16 months together didn't mean a damn thing. Like I never existed. It hurts. I should, and am,thankful that there's been no contact,but every now and again,I wonder if I'm ever thought of, or mattered.

All recycling does is makes it worse trust me.

My recycle cost me my job,  lost me most of the few friends I had left and has just prolonged my agony.  There's no good can come of it.

I know Inferno. Just trying to still make sense of why I could just be totally dumped with no remorse or thought of me at all. It's like I'm dead to her and her kids. No happy birthday, no happy thanksgiving, no how have you been. It's like I was a bookmarker for her. Something that's needed at the time, but once she stopped reading the book, the marker is thrown out or put away.

Well said! I feel your pain. The same pain. It's unfinished business. No closure. No answers. No regard for us at all. I sometimes wonder if my ex's other casualties have made it onto this board. I'd love to trade notes with them and talk to her ex husband to find out what really happened.

[going places]

The first time I remember him verbalizing his sickness he said: "You are lower than pond scum".

STUPID me... .I stayed. In my defense I was young.

I told him all my hopes and dreams, fears and doubts, goals and aspirations.

He used every fear and doubt I had against me... .not in an 'in your face' kind of way, but in a sneaky on the down low where no one knew he was doing it; but I can now see, what he was doing.

So screwed up.

After 25 years of abuse Lord knows I should know ALL the red flags by now! HA HA

[Craydar]

Turn the poll results sideways and it looks like a well known finger gesture... .Oh the irony.  Just an observation. Lol.

[no_ordinary]

Turn the poll results sideways and it looks like a well known finger gesture... .Oh the irony.  Just an observation. Lol.

our finger gesture to them

[Craydar]

Oh, and I was devalued around the 6 year mark.

Shortly after we met she ditched all of her friends for me.  I felt kind of honored about that.  I didn't ask her to do it, she just did.  Perhaps her friends had dirt on her and she didn't want them to share it

Interesting. Did she ditch or just bench them for a while? I wondered why my UxBPDgf would talk about her friends, but I was rarely able to meet them. And forget her family, I never met any of them. Once the devaluation started she put them back in the game and used them as surrogate soothers.

[hergestridge]

Shortly after we met she ditched all of her friends for me.  I felt kind of honored about that.  I didn't ask her to do it, she just did.  Perhaps her friends had dirt on her and she didn't want them to share it with me?

As an interesting parallel, my exwife lost all of her friends soon after meeting me. Here's why:

As soon as we met she had specific weekdays when we saw eachother. Then she tried to book various friends up on other (specified) recurring weekdays, basically constructing an intricate schedule centered solely around... .her! As friends protested or didn't behave as expected (example: two friends turning up at the same time, friend turning up when I was present), then she would be furious.

It was just a matter of weeks before all friends were gone. To this day (20 years later) my exwife thinks that *all* her friends (like six people!) were jealous of her new boyfriend (me!) and therefore quit turning up.

[Deeno02]

Friends... barely met them. I think like 4 times in 16 months... .

[Craydar]

Friends... barely met them. I think like 4 times in 16 months... .

I had thought this was something unique to me. Very limited access to anyone else in her life. She would talk about them constantly but she kept me separate. I'm not even sure some of them knew who I was.  I did notice that once the idolizing phase was ending, she was reaching out to them more, hanging out with them more, and stopped discussing their lives as much. So my theory is that she turned to he friends for soothing when my perceived 'knight in shining armor' status waned. Did you see a similar pattern? May be worth a separate discussion on this board. 

[Deeno02]

Friends... barely met them. I think like 4 times in 16 months... .

I had thought this was something unique to me. Very limited access to anyone else in her life. She would talk about them constantly but she kept me separate. I'm not even sure some of them knew who I was.  I did notice that once the idolizing phase was ending, she was reaching out to them more, hanging out with them more, and stopped discussing their lives as much. So my theory is that she turned to he friends for soothing when my perceived 'knight in shining armor' status waned. Did you see a similar pattern? May be worth a separate discussion on this board. 

Nah, not really. She had her neighbor hood hens she clucked with and some super ritzy ones from other places she lived (still local though). Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

My main arch enemy was her neighbor of 14 years. Those two were toxic. They would sperately talk ___ about each other,,but would gang up on me or anyone else. Neighbor's husband same as me and probably like my ex/gf's husband... hen pecked, which I would soon become. It was like I was dating 2 girls at the same time because the neighbor lived vicariously through my gf. I think as our r/s soured, I dont think the neighbor helped any, infact she stirred the pot once or twice by making up crap to tell her and I would get yelled at for later.

[billypilgrim]

Friends... barely met them. I think like 4 times in 16 months... .

I did notice that once the idolizing phase was ending, she was reaching out to them more, hanging out with them more, and stopped discussing their lives as much. So my theory is that she turned to he friends for soothing when my perceived 'knight in shining armor' status waned. Did you see a similar pattern? May be worth a separate discussion on this board. 

While I did meet her friends and got to know them to some degree, we definitely spent more time with my friends.  She had many ups and downs with her friends.  I always thought the fall outs were mutual but I really think they just disappointed her in some way so her response was to cut them out for weeks/months/years (her BFF from elementary school.  Cut her our for over a year after she flaked a couple of times for dinner.  Some way to treat your BFF  ).  Her friends, with maybe 1 exception, were very shallow people.  They never met up outside of some big social night out or unless one of them was getting married.  There were no, "hey, come over and hang out" or "let's go see a movie."  It was all nights out/partying.  And the second one of them disappointed, she cut them out.  One of her closest friends got married earlier this year - she had been my ex's maid of honor.  My ex thought that this friend would ask her to be her maid of honor and when she didn't, it was rough.  She was still in the wedding, she just wasn't number one.  And it devastated her.  

Might be worth exploring more on a different thread, as you said.  My ex did this same sort of stuff with family members as well.  And most recently, me

[clydegriffith]

Friends... barely met them. I think like 4 times in 16 months... .

I did notice that once the idolizing phase was ending, she was reaching out to them more, hanging out with them more, and stopped discussing their lives as much. So my theory is that she turned to he friends for soothing when my perceived 'knight in shining armor' status waned. Did you see a similar pattern? May be worth a separate discussion on this board. 

While I did meet her friends and got to know them to some degree, we definitely spent more time with my friends.  She had many ups and downs with her friends.  I always thought the fall outs were mutual but I really think they just disappointed her in some way so her response was to cut them out for weeks/months/years (her BFF from elementary school.  Cut her our for over a year after she flaked a couple of times for dinner.  Some way to treat your BFF  ).  Her friends, with maybe 1 exception, were very shallow people.  They never met up outside of some big social night out or unless one of them was getting married.  There were no, "hey, come over and hang out" or "let's go see a movie."  It was all nights out/partying.  And the second one of them disappointed, she cut them out.  One of her closest friends got married earlier this year - she had been my ex's maid of honor.  My ex thought that this friend would ask her to be her maid of honor and when she didn't, it was rough.  She was still in the wedding, she just wasn't number one.  And it devastated her.  

Might be worth exploring more on a different thread, as you said.  My ex did this same sort of stuff with family members as well.  And most recently, me

I can relate to this. The BPDx had very few friends and she ended up sleeping with one of her few friends' husbands. We also hung out way more with my friends because of this but guess what: she ended up sleeping with a few of them as well.

[Craydar]

Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

Those words sound familiar. I also overheard one of her friends say to her "He's really great, it looks like your life is taking a turn for the better" I'm assuming some of her more stable friends realized how unstable her relationships had been in the past... .another   

[fred6]

Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

Those words sound familiar. I also overheard one of her friends say to her "He's really great, it looks like your life is taking a turn for the better" I'm assuming some of her more stable friends realized how unstable her relationships had been in the past... .another   

After I moved out, I spoke with a few friends that she split black. One said, "oh no, she was so happy with you", another said, "she said that you were so good to her", and yet another said that, "I thought you guys would end up married". She even told me how good I treated her and that it was one of her best relationships. I guess things abruptly change in some peoples minds, ... .

[Deeno02]

Funny, when I did met the ritzy ones, they always looked at me and said... ."you better not hurt her, you better take care of her"... .

Those words sound familiar. I also overheard one of her friends say to her "He's really great, it looks like your life is taking a turn for the better" I'm assuming some of her more stable friends realized how unstable her relationships had been in the past... .another   

After I moved out, I spoke with a few friends that she split black. One said, "oh no, she was so happy with you", another said, "she said that you were so good to her", and yet another said that, "I thought you guys would end up married". She even told me how good I treated her and that it was one of her best relationships. I guess things abruptly change in some peoples minds, ... .

Well, I gave all I could till I could no longer meet her expectations. I tried my best to love her and those kids with all I had. Common theme, I wasnt good enough.