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Author Topic: How to get them back.  (Read 11715 times)
Joshuaua

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« on: December 27, 2014, 10:25:04 PM »

Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship? Or do you just have to wait for them to start going nutty on the knew guy and hope he will give her the boot and she'll come back. Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again. ALSO... .Is the new guy just a rebound to make us jealous ? Or are they genuinely moved on.
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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2014, 10:47:06 PM »

The only thing I can say is don't chase. Don't reach out,  don't contact.

They will contact you if they want something and if you say the right thing at the right time they might start reidealizing you and activate the pull cycle.

Just remember with pwBPD once the balance of power shifts in their favor they usually begin devaluation so if they activate the pull cycle don't cave in and give it "I still love youuuuuu" you want to play it like you ain't that bothered.

This got me mine back for a bit but I ballsed it up by dropping my frame and telling her i loved her after a few weeks.
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Gaslit
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« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2014, 11:02:37 PM »

I think we all need to make the mistakes of recycling until we get it, and no longer can punish ourselves. I know I repeated my misery. So, I am not going to tell you to stop. Because I know that would not have worked on me. I needed to learn on my own.

And so Infern0 is right on. Right about how to do it, and right about why it will fail. No matter what. It is impossible to keep perfectly "pretending" in order to keep them. They will change the rules. You will fail. It may be something little, or big, it doesn't matter.

But back to the tips. The absolute quickest way to get her to start turning on the new guy and think of you, is for you to be gone gone. It's simple really. If you are around, you are that 3rd leg on the stool. You are feeding the triangle. So they can happily complain about you and what a loser you are, and it will bond them. Give them something to fight for.

Remove you, and they are left with only themselves. That's never good.

So, going complete no contact and really truly being gone, not allowing her a peep into your life, will serve to quicken their demise and bring her running back, to see if the door is still open for more life sucking.

I wouldn't do it. But I have done it. You too will eventually no longer want to do it. Until then, enjoy the silence.

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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2014, 11:11:50 PM »

Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship? Or do you just have to wait for them to start going nutty on the knew guy and hope he will give her the boot and she'll come back. Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again.

There's no way to "get" someone back unless they want to come back. But pwBPD often do attempt to re-engage their exes, at least once, so the odds are on your side that she eventually will try. Respect her and her new relationship, and just wait it out. Live your life and work on yourself in the meantime.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

ALSO... .Is the new guy just a rebound to make us jealous ? Or are they genuinely moved on.

It's not a rebound to make you jealous. Replacements are not about us at all. pwBPD have to "attach" to try to stabilize their shaky sense of self and soothe their fears of emotional death. They can't stand to be single for very long. Often, replacements are targeted before the breakup even happens.
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Infern0
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« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2014, 12:06:10 AM »

I think we all need to make the mistakes of recycling until we get it, and no longer can punish ourselves. I know I repeated my misery. So, I am not going to tell you to stop. Because I know that would not have worked on me. I needed to learn on my own.

And so Infern0 is right on. Right about how to do it, and right about why it will fail. No matter what. It is impossible to keep perfectly "pretending" in order to keep them. They will change the rules. You will fail. It may be something little, or big, it doesn't matter.

But back to the tips. The absolute quickest way to get her to start turning on the new guy and think of you, is for you to be gone gone. It's simple really. If you are around, you are that 3rd leg on the stool. You are feeding the triangle. So they can happily complain about you and what a loser you are, and it will bond them. Give them something to fight for.

Remove you, and they are left with only themselves. That's never good.

So, going complete no contact and really truly being gone, not allowing her a peep into your life, will serve to quicken their demise and bring her running back, to see if the door is still open for more life sucking.

I wouldn't do it. But I have done it. You too will eventually no longer want to do it. Until then, enjoy the silence.

Definitely agree with the no contact.

If the replacement is still around then she will triangulate.  Go radio silence and collapse the triangle.

She'll paint you black on the way out but don't worry, because of the fact it's you walking away and not her abandoning you there's a high chance she'll paint you white after a while because there won't be masses of guilt and shame that she can't handle.

You might think you can "win" her by being the better option but due to low object consistency it doesn't work like that.  What you want is the replacement to bear the full brunt of the disorder until the relationship collapses. By being around even if you are the better option you are also absorbing some of the disorder and providing extra supply which will keep your pwBPD more stable.  And likely assist their RS

If she only has one source of supply she will soon enough go into hardcore devaluation on her partner and likely collapse the relationship,  this stage is your best chance of a recycle.

Sorry to be so ruthless but that's how it works. Remember NO CONTACT if she has supply,  NONE


Also,  remember they are still humans and also have that inherant narcissism.  Might not be a bad idea to get a gym membership,  new threads and a new haircut.  Once the replacement gets the boot it wouldn't hurt to pop up in her Facebook feed looking better than before

If you get her back,  good luck and always remember your escape route
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Deeno02
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« Reply #5 on: December 28, 2014, 12:11:05 AM »

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.
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Infern0
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« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2014, 12:35:16 AM »

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later
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Joshuaua

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« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2014, 01:09:14 AM »

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later

. This is true. My ex has admitted to calling the guy she was with for 7 years and just listening. She did this twice when we got in fights. So I think if they reached actual "love" with you that they'll hold on and seek you out when it goes south with "the new guy". 
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #8 on: December 28, 2014, 03:18:43 AM »

I actually told my uexBPDgf that I was going NC in order to allow myself to heal and also to allow her to concentrate on her new man without interference from me.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) I knew too well she would need to triangulate to sustain the relationship with the replacement.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Devious I know.
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Xidion
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« Reply #9 on: December 28, 2014, 03:28:54 AM »

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2014, 03:39:02 AM »

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?

Yes I think this is correct.  This sort of recycling went on several times in the last months of my extinguishing relationship with my ex.  There was a last break up and I really was not enthusiastic about getting back together again but agreed.  It was really a waste of time though because she knew the game was over and was active on the dating sites.  It became a phony relationship until she found a stable enough replacements and then it was over completely.  She has tried to charm me back but I have remained NC - but tempted yes indeed.
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Infern0
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« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2014, 04:02:07 AM »

I actually told my uexBPDgf that I was going NC in order to allow myself to heal and also to allow her to concentrate on her new man without interference from me.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) I knew too well she would need to triangulate to sustain the relationship with the replacement.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post) Devious I know.

Same here.  I was the one doing all the leg work in their relationship for a couple weeks until I figured it out and beat a hasty retreat
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Deeno02
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« Reply #12 on: December 28, 2014, 07:26:05 AM »

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later

. This is true. My ex has admitted to calling the guy she was with for 7 years and just listening. She did this twice when we got in fights. So I think if they reached actual "love" with you that they'll hold on and seek you out when it goes south with "the new guy". 

I don't know. Maybe. I was the first guy after her separation/divorce, now on guy #2. Seems good to go so far. Not a peep, not a sighting. Nothing. She's blocked on everything, except her Instagram used to be private, now it's open for some reason, she's still blocked on mine though. Might just have to delete it all together. Otherwise, nothing. I think she has forgotten me.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #13 on: December 28, 2014, 08:44:05 AM »

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?

Yes
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Hawk Ridge
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« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2014, 08:51:23 AM »

Interesting thread
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hurting300
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« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2014, 08:52:28 AM »

Interesting thread

yes it is. So disappear, and it's going to mess with them Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2014, 09:00:26 AM »

"The best one, have a successful life without them and never look back"

Hear hear. Because we have children, I am tethered to my XBPD for the next ten years. To those who did not procreate with their BPD's I have one word for you: Run.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #17 on: December 28, 2014, 09:01:24 AM »

Yes it is important to dissapear of the face of the earth for them. Live your own life and be happy. Yes they will hate it and most probably contact you, but you have to be strong and keep living your life for yourself. Not for them.
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dobie
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« Reply #18 on: December 28, 2014, 09:26:03 AM »

OK you go ghost and NC but what if they contact you ?
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2014, 09:35:41 AM »

Ignore it.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #20 on: December 28, 2014, 10:01:12 AM »

After me and my wife broke up I understand just how unpleasant a human being she is. While dating a new guy, she calls me up out of the blue, pretending to have someting important to discuss (we have a small child). On the phone she breaks down crying, saying "... .it's just to great to hear your voice, it was such a long time ago and I miss you so much!".

The next day she pretends like nothing happened and she's attacking me about minor issues.

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.
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FoolishMan
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« Reply #21 on: December 28, 2014, 10:07:00 AM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.
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hurting300
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« Reply #22 on: December 28, 2014, 10:20:32 AM »

Ok guys, they expect you to chase them ok. Women with BPD are self centered and selfish. When you disappear and cease contact your taking back control from them. I'm telling you this, it triggers them. Just do it and see what happens. I mean come on, my ex disappeared while I was at work Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I tried and tried calling. Wish I hadn't of now. She stalked me! She is now blocked completely out.
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« Reply #23 on: December 28, 2014, 10:33:26 AM »

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.

Those hoping for reconciliation would be wise to read, read and re-read the above.  If you really are dealing with an untreated pwBPD you won't ever get to a place where the relationship is good, healthy and life-affirming.  You long for it and you dream of it because you once believed it was a possibility - but I'm sorry to say, it's not. It's just not.  In the depth of the hell of your emotional pain you believe that things can't get any worse - but they CAN - especially if you continue to recycle. The truth is that s/he can't come back and take away your pain - particularly when s/he is the cause of it.  Try to think about it logically. Imagine you had a friend in your situation... .you already know the kind of advice that you would give them. The person that continues to hurt you cannot heal you.  That must come from within you, and your healing will begin when you start to focus on what kept you in such an abusive relationship.

Don't fool yourself with the fantasy that (in the next recycle) things will turn out differently.  

Remember the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.
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« Reply #24 on: December 28, 2014, 10:36:13 AM »

Just can't happen. I couldnt do it. Even though every oncd of my body aches for her, I wasnt good enough. Then theres the crap she said about my kids. Total deal breaker, no matter what.
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Trog
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« Reply #25 on: December 28, 2014, 11:06:11 AM »

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.

Those hoping for reconciliation would be wise to read, read and re-read the above.  If you really are dealing with an untreated pwBPD you won't ever get to a place where the relationship is good, healthy and life-affirming.  You long for it and you dream of it because you once believed it was a possibility - but I'm sorry to say, it's not. It's just not.  In the depth of the hell of your emotional pain you believe that things can't get any worse - but they CAN - especially if you continue to recycle. The truth is that s/he can't come back and take away your pain - particularly when s/he is the cause of it.  Try to think about it logically. Imagine you had a friend in your situation... .you already know the kind of advice that you would give them. The person that continues to hurt you cannot heal you.  That must come from within you, and your healing will begin when you start to focus on what kept you in such an abusive relationship.

Don't fool yourself with the fantasy that (in the next recycle) things will turn out differently.  

Remember the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

I recycled three times, the last time we married, and she held onto old hurt from the very first recycle. There wasn't a week went by in our house where the things I did during our first break up were not used to start new arguments. Old pain doesnt dissapate with them, it's not like you can work thru the pain with an undiagnosed, unmedicated and unwilling to change BPD person, they hold grudges forever and their behaviour will reflect that towards you, causing you more and more pain and god help you if you ever react to that, because the REACTION will then be held against you forever and ever and ever. We have to let go of these people and focus on ourselves and eventually we will find a person who is capable of having a grown up relationship. These are 3 year olds. End of.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2014, 01:47:08 PM »

The best revenge is to better yourself as a person and find true happiness.
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« Reply #27 on: December 28, 2014, 02:12:16 PM »

Ok guys, they expect you to chase them ok. Women with BPD are self centered and selfish. When you disappear and cease contact your taking back control from them. I'm telling you this, it triggers them. Just do it and see what happens. I mean come on, my ex disappeared while I was at work Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I tried and tried calling. Wish I hadn't of now. She stalked me! She is now blocked completely out.

There was talk of recycling... and this is what makes it worse. At first, they adored you, then paint you black... and you want them back, but each time you make up with them, and forgive them, it is one sided. For someone to lie and deceive they have to have a very good memory, and in my experience, they will work extra hard to remember every little sleight they ever felt from you... and be watching for any sign of this proof that you should be painted black. The amount of time they give you to make it up to them drops dramatically, progressively less and less is required for them to go on a tirade or cut you loose again. If you read about abusive relationships, they fit the description perfectly, and drag you in to fitting it as well.

Look at how much time in the r/s was wonderful, then how much was normal, then how much was some new hell on earth. The ratio of wonderful and normal... .to hell, changes to be more and more horrible. So after 6-8 recycles you find yourself walking on egg shells, and heading in to PTSD.

There was no one that could talk me out of wanting to be back with my pwBPD... .and it wasn't till I had lost a career, a couple of 100K+ a year jobs, my family (to divorce) and part of my sanity (PTSD)... .that I finally accepted it wasn't going to work.
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dobie
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« Reply #28 on: December 28, 2014, 02:18:54 PM »

Mine went NC with me after the BU three months ago apart from one drunken I miss you text and just texts to get her stuff etc she sent me a xmass text and I deleted her number so didn't realise it was her . she accused me of being childish so I sent her a few YouTube links to songs like "sweat of my balls" sent her a few serious texts after but no reply she is a 100% sulking haha haha :D


She has never gone back to her x's but ours was the longest and most serious r/s 6 years but I doubt I will ever hear from or see her again ... .her lack of empathy and remorse is truly frighning ...

She seriously believes she is in the right and has nothing to blame for how she acted or the hurt she caused . I wish to god I had found out about the BPD waif years ago.
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Infern0
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« Reply #29 on: December 28, 2014, 03:01:35 PM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason
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« Reply #30 on: December 28, 2014, 03:13:25 PM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason

Don't beat up the replacement! She will do that over time anyway. I remember when I first got together with mine she would goad me over the things her exes had 'done to her', abandoning her on holiday, spiking her drinks, 'getting her arrested'. All huge   

Now I feel nothing but pity for them all. Each one is NC with her and I could not understand why at the time. ... .Dur.

Don't have any interest in the next guy, look what she did to you, she'll do it to them and likely worse as she now has the extra guilt to carry around from what she did to you. Just blow them off and move on.
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« Reply #31 on: December 29, 2014, 07:43:51 PM »

Please keep in mind that the idea of 'no contact' isn't meant to be a method of rekindling the flame... .it really should be used as a means of taking the first steps toward personal healing.  Employing NC without using the opportunity to do the sort of work we all need to do after experiencing emotional trauma doesn't maximize the value of this concept.     
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« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2014, 12:52:23 PM »

I think i screwed up after three months of lc and nc i got a xmass text didn't realise it was her so asked who "is this" got told of for being immature (coming from her) ignore her till the weekend then explained i was giving her space so deleted her number got really drunk over the w/e sent her loads of texts and links to youtube videos started off with songs taking the micky out of her Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) told her technically it was me who ended it via fb then ones implying if she is cheating i wont be happy than a load of love songs urghh and gushy i miss love u etc woke up from the horror and sent a txt to appologise then later on found her on a dating site last text was "so much for wanting to be single and the same on voice mail" since then she has blocked all my family friends from fb and wassapp

i screwed up three months of dignity

don't expect she will ever reengage now 
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« Reply #33 on: December 30, 2014, 01:38:08 PM »

I think i screwed up after three months of lc and nc i got a xmass text didn't realise it was her so asked who "is this" got told of for being immature (coming from her) ignore her till the weekend then explained i was giving her space so deleted her number got really drunk over the w/e sent her loads of texts and links to youtube videos started off with songs taking the micky out of her Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) told her technically it was me who ended it via fb then ones implying if she is cheating i wont be happy than a load of love songs urghh and gushy i miss love u etc woke up from the horror and sent a txt to appologise then later on found her on a dating site last text was "so much for wanting to be single and the same on voice mail" since then she has blocked all my family friends from fb and wassapp

i screwed up three months of dignity

don't expect she will ever reengage now 

Hey Dobie, 

A lot of us end up re-engaging, often in ways that leave us beating ourselves up.  You aren't that far out yet.  The three month mark for me was a particularly rough time... .but things really can get better.  There is something to be said for the dignity we start to rebuild with NC.  If you were able to manage the first three months of NC/LC, then maybe you can simply start right over again. 
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« Reply #34 on: December 30, 2014, 01:59:32 PM »

Do not let your self worth be a reflection of their perception of you whatsoever!

Much easier said than done and by the time it happens you probably will realize after being devalued to take her back would be a form of enabling your abuser.

The truth is after the disorder was triggered the first time and you've been devalued and hurt badly it's already been over.  The disorder has proven itself that you can't be trusted and that is that. 

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« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2014, 07:00:45 PM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason

You mean physically beating up the replacement or verbally beating up the replacement, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2014, 08:20:42 PM »

Ok guys, they expect you to chase them ok. Women with BPD are self centered and selfish. When you disappear and cease contact your taking back control from them. I'm telling you this, it triggers them. Just do it and see what happens. I mean come on, my ex disappeared while I was at work Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). I tried and tried calling. Wish I hadn't of now. She stalked me! She is now blocked completely out.

I made this mistake I ended it then regretted it 2 days later by that point she already had her hooks into my replacement although she wasn't seeing him whist we were together and have proof of that he was just a freind of a freind and the first bloke she could grab the day after I broke up with her just turns out they really like each other ! I tried getting her back for 2 weeks ! Pushed her further away the moment I acted indifferent towards Her she unblocked me on her phone and rang me Xmas eve all upset I stupidly text her twice afterwards now getting silent treatment and she still with my replacement ive been only 4 days NC but am goin to continue NC to get my head straight I'm hoping to hear from her again in one way but in another I'm hoping I don't as I do want to move on and if she contacts me 6 months from now I can tell her no simple as that .
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« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2014, 09:01:00 PM »

hi foolish man, i wonder if there is a post dedicated to just this?  because the same thing happened to me.  after 1.5 yrs of ignoring her, i took the bait, fell in again/gave her my heart and as soon as i did she pulled out!  a 180!  i spent the next 6 wks trying to be a good puppy and win her back.  no go.

i couldn't believe i fell for it AGAIN!  so then i go out of my way to set the record straight:  everything i had kept my mouth shut about when we were together so to not rock the boat and upset princess - and trust me, there was a LOT! - i just let 'er rip!  it felt so f'en GOOD, i can't even tell you how freeing it felt!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  after a week of that - with her vascillating between speechless/hostile/pouty/apologetic ad back to hostile in a flash - i went NC again.  

then i found out abt the Smear Campaign.  good god she's ruthless, cold-hearted, excuse for a human being.  this time i've blocked her in every way i can.  recyle?  save yourself some time:  just break a bunch of bottles and writhe around on the ground in the broken glass.  don't forget to eat some of it too.  it'll feel about the same as a recyle!

thanx for sharing your story.

icu2

You don't ever get them back... .I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain... .She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.  Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

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« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2014, 09:28:48 PM »

recyle?  save yourself some time:  just break a bunch of bottles and writhe around on the ground in the broken glass.  don't forget to eat some of it too.  

This made me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #39 on: December 30, 2014, 10:04:23 PM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason

You mean physically beating up the replacement or verbally beating up the replacement, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

That's what I'm wondering did you punch this guy or verbally batter him ?
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« Reply #40 on: December 30, 2014, 10:13:23 PM »

I think i screwed up after three months of lc and nc i got a xmass text didn't realise it was her so asked who "is this" got told of for being immature (coming from her) ignore her till the weekend then explained i was giving her space so deleted her number got really drunk over the w/e sent her loads of texts and links to youtube videos started off with songs taking the micky out of her Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) told her technically it was me who ended it via fb then ones implying if she is cheating i wont be happy than a load of love songs urghh and gushy i miss love u etc woke up from the horror and sent a txt to appologise then later on found her on a dating site last text was "so much for wanting to be single and the same on voice mail" since then she has blocked all my family friends from fb and wassapp

i screwed up three months of dignity

don't expect she will ever reengage now 

You may not see it now but you may of done yourself a favour here in a way I'm glad I pushed mine away abit further with my actions and words whilst trying to get my ex to come back for 2 weeks after we split I'm starting to realise this was a good thing now as I'm starting to detach more and more she told me Xmas eve she is deleting my number and at the same time made a point of saying she's unblocked my number ! by this I can only assume she wants me to beleive her so I chase her whilst she with my replacement then get the silent treatment in return ! No thanks il go No contact from now on and take my chances !
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« Reply #41 on: January 02, 2015, 01:41:40 PM »

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason

You mean physically beating up the replacement or verbally beating up the replacement, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

That's what I'm wondering did you punch this guy or verbally batter him ?

Yes it got physical at the boxing club he used to go to. I was a zombie for 3 months post BU and when I first seen them out together I tried to just get out of the place but he came over grabbed my arm and insulted and threatened me, asked me how it felt to lose again, a double dig since I had lost my last boxing match before giving up some years ago. Once I got my head straight I worked out like a demon for 4 months then arrive at the club for sparring and broke his rib. He's not been back. I was happy about it that night but it backfired as she started emailing and showing up places I was, I'd ignore her and she'd blurt out stuff generally saying sorry. After 10 days or so I guess she went back to him, I've only driven past her once or twice so have no idea. I didn't do it to get her back, that guy had public ally embarrassed me and bad mouthed me. I've since further detached and I would probably give him some good advice if I ever met him or indeed he contacts me when she tries to break him.

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« Reply #42 on: January 02, 2015, 03:56:59 PM »

This thread is an interesting combination of "How to get them back" as in winning them back and "How to get them back" as burying the hatched in their skull.  I like the latter. 

I am done with mine for good after today.  Please please please stop me if I should ever lose my mind and try to get back with this POS.  I don't see this happening ever, but stop me if it does.  I don't want this ass back in my life.  I've been hurt enough.  I have nothing to show for my years of love and loyalty.  Nothing but a broken heart and damaged self-esteem. 

I really hope he does contact me again though in a friendly way.  The pleasure of ignoring him will do me wonders.  I hope to god that happens.  In the meanwhile I am going to pour all my love and energy into myself, because I deserve it after throwing it all away on him for far too long.

If he sees me out with another guy, a handsome one, will that lead to him contacting me?  I would love that so much.  It's NC for me though or at most a reply one day to him to inform him that I am in a loving r/s and don't want him in the picture.  I want the hatchet in his pig skull.  Maybe I will even be blessed one day with true love that is mutually nurturing and not this cruel ___ I've been subjected to the past years.

To anyone hoping to hook back up with their ex BP, please think again. 

Keep this thread going!
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« Reply #43 on: January 02, 2015, 04:22:27 PM »

This thread is an interesting combination of "How to get them back" as in winning them back and "How to get them back" as burying the hatched in their skull.  I like the latter. 

I am done with mine for good after today.  Please please please stop me if I should ever lose my mind and try to get back with this POS.  I don't see this happening ever, but stop me if it does.  I don't want this ass back in my life.  I've been hurt enough.  I have nothing to show for my years of love and loyalty.  Nothing but a broken heart and damaged self-esteem. 

I really hope he does contact me again though in a friendly way.  The pleasure of ignoring him will do me wonders.  I hope to god that happens.  In the meanwhile I am going to pour all my love and energy into myself, because I deserve it after throwing it all away on him for far too long.

If he sees me out with another guy, a handsome one, will that lead to him contacting me?  I would love that so much.  It's NC for me though or at most a reply one day to him to inform him that I am in a loving r/s and don't want him in the picture.  I want the hatchet in his pig skull.  Maybe I will even be blessed one day with true love that is mutually nurturing and not this cruel ___ I've been subjected to the past years.

To anyone hoping to hook back up with their ex BP, please think again. 

Keep this thread going!

Thank you. While I don't want to get back with mine, I believe I'm having jealousy issue over a messed up lady who I was only an emotional tampon to. She's with another and I'm kind of hurt and jealous. Almost 5 months now. At least I can admit it.
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« Reply #44 on: January 02, 2015, 04:30:26 PM »

Thank you. While I don't want to get back with mine, I believe I'm having jealousy issue over a messed up lady who I was only an emotional tampon to. She's with another and I'm kind of hurt and jealous. Almost 5 months now. At least I can admit it.

Deeno, I think those feelings are perfectly normal.  We all seem to have it to a degree.  Reason being that we really cared, had deep feelings for them.

Might I remind you - as you will probably have to remind me one day too - that there is no reason really to be jealous that your ex is with another.  Almost 5 months isn't a long time.  Right about now her mask of charm must be slipping and that man is in for a world of pain.  Pity the poor ass and TG that it's not you anymore. 
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« Reply #45 on: January 02, 2015, 04:35:12 PM »

hi Joshuaua. in your OP you say,

Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again.

painting white is as imbalanced a response as painting black. do you think that's a secure basis for a r/s?
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« Reply #46 on: January 02, 2015, 04:44:28 PM »

 It was the happy Instagram photo. They looked happy. I commented I was glad she was happy. She sent a snark filled text calling me passive aggressive. I told her that I was genuinely happy and had no animosity towards her.

Shouldn't have done it, but the only closure I will get... sucks
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« Reply #47 on: January 02, 2015, 05:23:15 PM »

I really hope he does contact me again though in a friendly way.  The pleasure of ignoring him will do me wonders.  I hope to god that happens.  In the meanwhile I am going to pour all my love and energy into myself, because I deserve it after throwing it all away on him for far too long.

If he sees me out with another guy, a handsome one, will that lead to him contacting me?  I would love that so much.  It's NC for me though or at most a reply one day to him to inform him that I am in a loving r/s and don't want him in the picture.  I want the hatchet in his pig skull.  Maybe I will even be blessed one day with true love that is mutually nurturing and not this cruel ___ I've been subjected to the past years.

I'm with you on this.  I can understand why you want to hear from your ex and be able to reject him.  It would be a way of balancing things out a bit.
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« Reply #48 on: January 02, 2015, 05:27:40 PM »

Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship?  

Run.  You have been freed.

I can't imagine wanting to enter (or even worse, re-enter) into any relationship with a pwBPD, assuming that you know in advance about her condition and have time to read about this illness (read Internet forums, books on Amazon, etc.).  The behavior will get worse -- much, much worse.  Her grudges against you will grow.  She will try to destroy you.  The closer you get the greater her abandonment fears will become.  At the end of our engagement, my pwBPD (a charming, innocent-looking woman) physically attacked me and threatened "I will bludgeon you with this stereo in the middle of the night" as we were going to sleep beside each other (she was angry that we kept breaking up and apparently thought it was all my fault).  Also, she began to publicly pursue my friends sexually (unprovoked).  There are so many similar stories on here -- of bogus restraining orders, false sexual-abuse accusations, pregnancy entrapment, calling bosses.  And heaven forbid you procreate with her and have a second pwBPD hating you and wrecking havoc on the world.  There cannot be any justifiable reason to return to someone with this illness unless perhaps it is to help her as part of a therapy session.  
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« Reply #49 on: January 02, 2015, 06:13:17 PM »

I have been almost 3 months N/C. It has been very hard for me. This a... hole cheated on me while saying he loved me and while I had on his engagement ring. He may be borderline but he is still an abusive, manipulator that took my heart, the love I had to give and made a mockery of it. He has no remorse or empathy of course and let's use the disease an excuse for his terrible behavior. I have warned my friends and family and I am telling you my bpdfamily to NOT LET ME GO BACK. He hurts me too much and that is not love.

If your on this board to win him back you need to get on the STAYING board. We are all working so hard to get healthy and rid them of our lives.
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« Reply #50 on: January 02, 2015, 06:41:58 PM »

Unless the ran off with your baby, like mine did... .You have to ask yourself, what is it exactly that I am wanting back? Lies, abuse, excuses, secretive life or worse possible attempted murder on you. And yes it's happened plenty of times. So remind yourself of all the fights and worry you went thru.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2015, 06:57:24 PM »

hi Joshuaua. in your OP you say,

Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again.

painting white is as imbalanced a response as painting black. do you think that's a secure basis for a r/s?

To me this is the only fact of the relationship. It doesn't matter if you think you 'have them' you don't, you are simply the one painted white, you may go black for a few hours every week or two when behind your back she cheats, painting you white out of shame later on and making you a lovely dinner and showering praise on you. White or black it's all just disordered thinking. Nothing real or deep about it.
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« Reply #52 on: July 17, 2016, 02:47:17 PM »

Er, could the moderators please stop removing posts when people are trying to receive help?  I got the message about quoting, but as I mentioned in my post I couldn't get the function to work on my tablet.
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« Reply #53 on: July 17, 2016, 04:12:40 PM »

As others have mentioned in this thread, we can't convince you to stop wanting your ex back through reason and logic. You'd have to get there emotionally yourself. But it's worth taking note of our comments and calling them to mind if you do recycle and go through the highs and lows again. Certainly you CAN live life like that and you will have some highs. But longterm is that what you want? When you picture yourself growing old, is that what you want?

Of course, you might just want to play a little longer and I wouldn't judge that in the least. I know I did for many years. But if it's actually become a painful game, and you find yourself longing for that one person over and over, even though she leaves you and hurts you ... .then you might at least start exploring for yourself why you think you want to keep trying.

That said, if you are singlemindedly focused on winning her back, then I would agree with the commenters who say you have to let it be, get on with your own life, and let her seek you out if she regains interest.
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« Reply #54 on: July 17, 2016, 04:19:04 PM »

Well that sounds like a capital plan to me.  Thought
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« Reply #55 on: July 17, 2016, 05:12:51 PM »

The thing is - and I'm not trying to sound annoyingly zen here, though I probably will - the best way to play the "game" is never to realise that you're actually playing. And the day you wake up and realise you've been going about relationships like a game, is the day you can start thinking about what it would mean to have a more authentic and sincere connection, one that would make life richer and more peaceful and more meaningful.

I think when you're young - at least through high school and your 20s, say - relationships should be playful and not too serious (which isn't to say they should involve the kinds of chaotic and painful games that have brought many of us here). But - again, just my humble opinion - once you start to see relationships as a game, it's probably time to stop playing. Especially if the game is painful to you or you're hurting other people.

Anyway, just speaking for myself, it was the painful experience of the relationship with my exBPD that brought me here and made me realise (1) that my ex played relationships like a game, although not a fun one, and (2) my view of love was also childish and game-like in some aspects. It hasn't been easy to start letting go of that, but I would just throw out there that it's at least an opportunity for thinking about a different approach to relationships that would focus more on a sincere connection.
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« Reply #56 on: July 17, 2016, 05:30:35 PM »

Personally I am hoping my replacemt is a NPD. They can go on together.

www.blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/03/narcissistic-and-borderline-attraction/

I don't want her back and I agree with many, you just have to learn on your own. I didn't know about BPD so I don't know if my three attempts at reconciling should be called recycle but they all were my mistakes. Never again, I don't want her back, ever. Even if she realized the truth I could never trust her for the rest of my life.

I have shut the door, locked it and threw away the key all for my own good.
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« Reply #57 on: July 17, 2016, 07:40:37 PM »

Excerpt
Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship? Or are they genuinely moved on?
To my understanding, there's nothing realistically genuine in the actions and feelings of a pwBPD.

 I think I've figured out how you can be successful at getting some of what you miss.

1. Start thinking like him or her. If she doesn't reach out, don't reach out either. We always want to let the person we love know that we're thinking about him or her but with a disordered minded person, that isn't going to work for you. Think of her as a backwards thinker; your good is your bad and you're bad is your good.
2. You have to genuinely realistically stop holding on to hopes for a healthy, long lasting relationship. I don't mean fake like you don't care. I mean getting yourself emotionally stable enough, to a point where this person does not control your emotions, no matter what she does or doesn't do.
3. Don't stalk, call, or text, after they have devalued you. A normal thinking person would see this type of behavior as you trying to show that you do care. A disorder thinking person is going to see you as weak and needy.
4. If she says hi, say hi. If she doesn't say hi, no matter how long its been since your last communication, don't say anything and don't worry about what she's doing, and who she's doing it with.

5. Once you have been painted black / devalued / Honeymoon period over, you must change your whole mindset about your future with your BPDex. I did.
It's easier said than done. But you can succeed. Fix your own way of thinking and worry less about hers.

I hope this helps.
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« Reply #58 on: July 17, 2016, 08:35:47 PM »

The only thing you can do is wait it out. After what seemed like an eternity of silence my friend messaged me out of the blue. Went to his place and had a really nice chat. He never brought up anything that led to the silence to begin with, just acted like we were catching up, and all my anger and resentment melted away. After I left I realized I never heard the words "Im sorry". He said all the things I wanted to hear... .I almost feel like Ive been conned into being recycled as a friend.

I think his whole thing is that he just wanted to see me to make sure I still cared for him. That I still liked him, or forgave? Seems to follow the pattern of most BPD's.
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« Reply #59 on: July 17, 2016, 09:34:36 PM »

The only thing you can do is wait it out. After what seemed like an eternity of silence my friend messaged me out of the blue. Went to his place and had a really nice chat. He never brought up anything that led to the silence to begin with, just acted like we were catching up, and all my anger and resentment melted away. After I left I realized I never heard the words "Im sorry". He said all the things I wanted to hear... .I almost feel like Ive been conned into being recycled as a friend.

Hopefulgirl

Great post in that it can help us to more objectively see, from a non-romantic viewpoint, how these recycles can occur and the associated circumstances.

I have family members that I believe is impacted, specifically a sister that freaked out and stopped talking to me for 10 years.  She recently reconnected with me under the guise of "just want to be sure that you are ok and check in".  No mention of the 10 years gone by.  I hesitantly went to dinner with her and she started carrying on as if we had never stopped talking.  No apologies, no acknowledgement etc.

That was 8 months ago and there never has been any acknowledgement of anything and now she complains to me about what she doesnt like about others.  Thankfully I am not enmeshed and so can objectively be the person I choose to be with her all the while realizing that she is not someone I will get too attached with. 

I think stories like this can help all of us who were enmeshed see that we can objectively have relationships with pwBPD and handle that in a more healthy, loving way.

JRB
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Rickybee
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« Reply #60 on: July 18, 2016, 03:05:29 AM »

Great post... I agree that the only way to get them to want yo back or miss you or think of you is to completely ignore them... completely NC... .it gets to them... not that you would want BPD ex to start painting you white or try to contact you ever... .if your BPD was anything like mine you serously don't need it in your life
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duncsvoice
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« Reply #61 on: July 18, 2016, 03:26:35 AM »

A few months ago I would have read this thread looking for tips on how to win her back, but now the idea of being with her I find utterly terrifying.

Why would I want more physical scars where I wrestled a knife out of her hand when she was trying to cut herself because I went for a run? Why would I want back the person who, on my 30th birthday, screamed at me wishing that if I had a daughter, she hoped she be raped? Why would I want to have to choose her over my family and friends, just to stop her from raging on me for talking to them? To have have to sever my relationship with my best friend and his girlfriend (which I'm thankfully rebuilding)? To be emasculated, frequently?

I saw her the other day, and my word, I miss her like nothing else. But, she replaced me within a couple of weeks. I realised my 'recovery' has only really been a couple of months (since I left our old flat), but since then I've rebuilt friendships, gained new ones, I've had the time to focus on my own business, lost weight and have rebuilt my social life.

So when I think about, why would I want someone back who to me has been the very antithesis of being happy?
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