How to get them back.

[Joshuaua]

Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship? Or do you just have to wait for them to start going nutty on the knew guy and hope he will give her the boot and she'll come back. Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again. ALSO... .Is the new guy just a rebound to make us jealous ? Or are they genuinely moved on.

[Infern0]

The only thing I can say is don't chase. Don't reach out,  don't contact.

They will contact you if they want something and if you say the right thing at the right time they might start reidealizing you and activate the pull cycle.

Just remember with pwBPD once the balance of power shifts in their favor they usually begin devaluation so if they activate the pull cycle don't cave in and give it "I still love youuuuuu" you want to play it like you ain't that bothered.

This got me mine back for a bit but I ballsed it up by dropping my frame and telling her i loved her after a few weeks.

[Gaslit]

I think we all need to make the mistakes of recycling until we get it, and no longer can punish ourselves. I know I repeated my misery. So, I am not going to tell you to stop. Because I know that would not have worked on me. I needed to learn on my own.

And so Infern0 is right on. Right about how to do it, and right about why it will fail. No matter what. It is impossible to keep perfectly "pretending" in order to keep them. They will change the rules. You will fail. It may be something little, or big, it doesn't matter.

But back to the tips. The absolute quickest way to get her to start turning on the new guy and think of you, is for you to be gone gone. It's simple really. If you are around, you are that 3rd leg on the stool. You are feeding the triangle. So they can happily complain about you and what a loser you are, and it will bond them. Give them something to fight for.

Remove you, and they are left with only themselves. That's never good.

So, going complete no contact and really truly being gone, not allowing her a peep into your life, will serve to quicken their demise and bring her running back, to see if the door is still open for more life sucking.

I wouldn't do it. But I have done it. You too will eventually no longer want to do it. Until then, enjoy the silence.

[HappyNihilist]

Is there a way to get them back once they've started a new relationship? Or do you just have to wait for them to start going nutty on the knew guy and hope he will give her the boot and she'll come back. Or that they'll get in a big fight and that'll make her paint you white again.

There's no way to "get" someone back unless they want to come back. But pwBPD often do attempt to re-engage their exes, at least once, so the odds are on your side that she eventually will try. Respect her and her new relationship, and just wait it out. Live your life and work on yourself in the meantime.  

ALSO... .Is the new guy just a rebound to make us jealous ? Or are they genuinely moved on.

It's not a rebound to make you jealous. Replacements are not about us at all. pwBPD have to "attach" to try to stabilize their shaky sense of self and soothe their fears of emotional death. They can't stand to be single for very long. Often, replacements are targeted before the breakup even happens.

[Infern0]

I think we all need to make the mistakes of recycling until we get it, and no longer can punish ourselves. I know I repeated my misery. So, I am not going to tell you to stop. Because I know that would not have worked on me. I needed to learn on my own.

And so Infern0 is right on. Right about how to do it, and right about why it will fail. No matter what. It is impossible to keep perfectly "pretending" in order to keep them. They will change the rules. You will fail. It may be something little, or big, it doesn't matter.

But back to the tips. The absolute quickest way to get her to start turning on the new guy and think of you, is for you to be gone gone. It's simple really. If you are around, you are that 3rd leg on the stool. You are feeding the triangle. So they can happily complain about you and what a loser you are, and it will bond them. Give them something to fight for.

Remove you, and they are left with only themselves. That's never good.

So, going complete no contact and really truly being gone, not allowing her a peep into your life, will serve to quicken their demise and bring her running back, to see if the door is still open for more life sucking.

I wouldn't do it. But I have done it. You too will eventually no longer want to do it. Until then, enjoy the silence.

Definitely agree with the no contact.

If the replacement is still around then she will triangulate.  Go radio silence and collapse the triangle.

She'll paint you black on the way out but don't worry, because of the fact it's you walking away and not her abandoning you there's a high chance she'll paint you white after a while because there won't be masses of guilt and shame that she can't handle.

You might think you can "win" her by being the better option but due to low object consistency it doesn't work like that.  What you want is the replacement to bear the full brunt of the disorder until the relationship collapses. By being around even if you are the better option you are also absorbing some of the disorder and providing extra supply which will keep your pwBPD more stable.  And likely assist their RS

If she only has one source of supply she will soon enough go into hardcore devaluation on her partner and likely collapse the relationship,  this stage is your best chance of a recycle.

Sorry to be so ruthless but that's how it works. Remember NO CONTACT if she has supply,  NONE


Also,  remember they are still humans and also have that inherant narcissism.  Might not be a bad idea to get a gym membership,  new threads and a new haircut.  Once the replacement gets the boot it wouldn't hurt to pop up in her Facebook feed looking better than before

If you get her back,  good luck and always remember your escape route

[Deeno02]

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

[Infern0]

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later

[Joshuaua]

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later

. This is true. My ex has admitted to calling the guy she was with for 7 years and just listening. She did this twice when we got in fights. So I think if they reached actual "love" with you that they'll hold on and seek you out when it goes south with "the new guy". 

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I actually told my uexBPDgf that I was going NC in order to allow myself to heal and also to allow her to concentrate on her new man without interference from me.  I knew too well she would need to triangulate to sustain the relationship with the replacement.  Devious I know.

[Xidion]

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?

Yes I think this is correct.  This sort of recycling went on several times in the last months of my extinguishing relationship with my ex.  There was a last break up and I really was not enthusiastic about getting back together again but agreed.  It was really a waste of time though because she knew the game was over and was active on the dating sites.  It became a phony relationship until she found a stable enough replacements and then it was over completely.  She has tried to charm me back but I have remained NC - but tempted yes indeed.

[Infern0]

I actually told my uexBPDgf that I was going NC in order to allow myself to heal and also to allow her to concentrate on her new man without interference from me.  I knew too well she would need to triangulate to sustain the relationship with the replacement.  Devious I know.

Same here.  I was the one doing all the leg work in their relationship for a couple weeks until I figured it out and beat a hasty retreat

[Deeno02]

4 months and change no contact. I think Im safe... .I think she is done with me.

Don't jinx it mate,  4 months is early going tbh they can come back YEARS later

. This is true. My ex has admitted to calling the guy she was with for 7 years and just listening. She did this twice when we got in fights. So I think if they reached actual "love" with you that they'll hold on and seek you out when it goes south with "the new guy". 

I don't know. Maybe. I was the first guy after her separation/divorce, now on guy #2. Seems good to go so far. Not a peep, not a sighting. Nothing. She's blocked on everything, except her Instagram used to be private, now it's open for some reason, she's still blocked on mine though. Might just have to delete it all together. Otherwise, nothing. I think she has forgotten me.

[jhkbuzz]

What exactly is the definition of a recycle? Me and my exBPD broke up twice... well, she left twice, and i chased her... we were back together within 2 days. The recent one is the first time she has actually completely broke things off and found a replacement. Were the times she left and I chased her and we got back together considered a recycle?

Yes

[Hawk Ridge]

Interesting thread

[hurting300]

Interesting thread

yes it is. So disappear, and it's going to mess with them .

[milo1967]

"The best one, have a successful life without them and never look back"

Hear hear. Because we have children, I am tethered to my XBPD for the next ten years. To those who did not procreate with their BPD's I have one word for you: Run.

[CloseToFreedom]

Yes it is important to dissapear of the face of the earth for them. Live your own life and be happy. Yes they will hate it and most probably contact you, but you have to be strong and keep living your life for yourself. Not for them.

[dobie]

OK you go ghost and NC but what if they contact you ?

[CloseToFreedom]

Ignore it.

[hergestridge]

After me and my wife broke up I understand just how unpleasant a human being she is. While dating a new guy, she calls me up out of the blue, pretending to have someting important to discuss (we have a small child). On the phone she breaks down crying, saying "... .it's just to great to hear your voice, it was such a long time ago and I miss you so much!".

The next day she pretends like nothing happened and she's attacking me about minor issues.

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.

[FoolishMan]

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

[hurting300]

Ok guys, they expect you to chase them ok. Women with BPD are self centered and selfish. When you disappear and cease contact your taking back control from them. I'm telling you this, it triggers them. Just do it and see what happens. I mean come on, my ex disappeared while I was at work . I tried and tried calling. Wish I hadn't of now. She stalked me! She is now blocked completely out.

[jhkbuzz]

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.

Those hoping for reconciliation would be wise to read, read and re-read the above.  If you really are dealing with an untreated pwBPD you won't ever get to a place where the relationship is good, healthy and life-affirming.  You long for it and you dream of it because you once believed it was a possibility - but I'm sorry to say, it's not. It's just not.  In the depth of the hell of your emotional pain you believe that things can't get any worse - but they CAN - especially if you continue to recycle. The truth is that s/he can't come back and take away your pain - particularly when s/he is the cause of it.  Try to think about it logically. Imagine you had a friend in your situation... .you already know the kind of advice that you would give them. The person that continues to hurt you cannot heal you.  That must come from within you, and your healing will begin when you start to focus on what kept you in such an abusive relationship.

Don't fool yourself with the fantasy that (in the next recycle) things will turn out differently.  

Remember the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

[Deeno02]

Just can't happen. I couldnt do it. Even though every oncd of my body aches for her, I wasnt good enough. Then theres the crap she said about my kids. Total deal breaker, no matter what.

[Trog]

We can very well get them back for an hour or two, but it's futile. The hating started long before we broke up and the hating continues. There was ___loads of stuff they couldn't forgive us for then. Now there is the breakup, which they of course can't forgive us for either. This they don't understand, so they may very well say they can take us back. But they will change their minds in a few hours. True story.

Those hoping for reconciliation would be wise to read, read and re-read the above.  If you really are dealing with an untreated pwBPD you won't ever get to a place where the relationship is good, healthy and life-affirming.  You long for it and you dream of it because you once believed it was a possibility - but I'm sorry to say, it's not. It's just not.  In the depth of the hell of your emotional pain you believe that things can't get any worse - but they CAN - especially if you continue to recycle. The truth is that s/he can't come back and take away your pain - particularly when s/he is the cause of it.  Try to think about it logically. Imagine you had a friend in your situation... .you already know the kind of advice that you would give them. The person that continues to hurt you cannot heal you.  That must come from within you, and your healing will begin when you start to focus on what kept you in such an abusive relationship.

Don't fool yourself with the fantasy that (in the next recycle) things will turn out differently.  

Remember the definition of insanity:  doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

I recycled three times, the last time we married, and she held onto old hurt from the very first recycle. There wasn't a week went by in our house where the things I did during our first break up were not used to start new arguments. Old pain doesnt dissapate with them, it's not like you can work thru the pain with an undiagnosed, unmedicated and unwilling to change BPD person, they hold grudges forever and their behaviour will reflect that towards you, causing you more and more pain and god help you if you ever react to that, because the REACTION will then be held against you forever and ever and ever. We have to let go of these people and focus on ourselves and eventually we will find a person who is capable of having a grown up relationship. These are 3 year olds. End of.

[clydegriffith]

The best revenge is to better yourself as a person and find true happiness.

[charred]

Ok guys, they expect you to chase them ok. Women with BPD are self centered and selfish. When you disappear and cease contact your taking back control from them. I'm telling you this, it triggers them. Just do it and see what happens. I mean come on, my ex disappeared while I was at work . I tried and tried calling. Wish I hadn't of now. She stalked me! She is now blocked completely out.

There was talk of recycling... and this is what makes it worse. At first, they adored you, then paint you black... and you want them back, but each time you make up with them, and forgive them, it is one sided. For someone to lie and deceive they have to have a very good memory, and in my experience, they will work extra hard to remember every little sleight they ever felt from you... and be watching for any sign of this proof that you should be painted black. The amount of time they give you to make it up to them drops dramatically, progressively less and less is required for them to go on a tirade or cut you loose again. If you read about abusive relationships, they fit the description perfectly, and drag you in to fitting it as well.

Look at how much time in the r/s was wonderful, then how much was normal, then how much was some new hell on earth. The ratio of wonderful and normal... .to hell, changes to be more and more horrible. So after 6-8 recycles you find yourself walking on egg shells, and heading in to PTSD.

There was no one that could talk me out of wanting to be back with my pwBPD... .and it wasn't till I had lost a career, a couple of 100K+ a year jobs, my family (to divorce) and part of my sanity (PTSD)... .that I finally accepted it wasn't going to work.

[dobie]

Mine went NC with me after the BU three months ago apart from one drunken I miss you text and just texts to get her stuff etc she sent me a xmass text and I deleted her number so didn't realise it was her . she accused me of being childish so I sent her a few YouTube links to songs like "sweat of my balls" sent her a few serious texts after but no reply she is a 100% sulking haha haha :D


She has never gone back to her x's but ours was the longest and most serious r/s 6 years but I doubt I will ever hear from or see her again ... .her lack of empathy and remorse is truly frighning ...

She seriously believes she is in the right and has nothing to blame for how she acted or the hurt she caused . I wish to god I had found out about the BPD waif years ago.

[Infern0]

OK you go NC ignore everything how you supposed to get them back?

You don't ever get them back. They come back after some messed up ___ in their new relationship. I had my ex begging and pleading all the time last year, every time I dumped her. Her pals would say she loves me more than anything, anyone, she will did trying to get you back... .well, when she finally got a replacement she set me up for the bait and dump, which I seen coming so I destroyed the relationship anyway. After some weeks I became weak and tried like mad to get her back. It was the toughest most demoralising period in my life. Needless to say I was only successful in causing myself more pain.

After some months I ended up giving the replacement a little beating and she beat my door down to come back to me for weeks afterwards. I stayed strong. She is back to a smear campaign now. Crazy.

Moral is, don't try to get them back. If they do come back themselves, run for the hills.

Yeah apparently beating up the replacement gets them interested in you for some reason