Affair with a BPD woman

[lostandconfused72]

Im writing to describe my on and off relationship with  a BPD woman. Its very complicated and has led to a lot of heartbreak and mental angst on both my part and her part. We are both physicians and well accomplished in our fields. We are also both married with spouses and each of us has a daughter. We met at work about 5 years ago and there was an immediate spark and i could read she was interested in me by her body language and the fact that she never spoke of her husband or family life. She also rarely wore her wedding band which i thought was odd. I wasn't married at the time but had just broken off a stormy relationship with an ex gf. I had been dating someone after several years of being single and this girl who i was actually engaged to lived in another city. She and i got along but there was no spark . Nonetheless we had decided to get married thinking that we had somehow found a normal person in each other.  The woman at work this other doctor and i continued harmless flirting and she knew i was engaged and i knew she was married. We started texting silly things that were harmless but i could tell she was interested in me and had never once mentioned her relationship with her husband. We eventually started meeting for coffee and just talking and she shared a lot of personal information about her past relationship with a guy that was heartbreaking for her while she was in medical school. She still never talked about her husband. I felt immediately at ease with her and i divulged a lot about my past relationship experiences and heartbreaks with her

I never made any moves and this continued for several months. One weekend i was at a hotel alone for a meeting. She texted me and i told her what i was doing. She expressed that she had been seeing me in her dreams first and then basically told me she had fallen for me. I was thrilled but also very nervous. I of course told her that i liked her a lot too and that i and also fallen for her . She then asked if she could come to my hotel room to "just talk" and hang out since she was in close vicinity. Needless to say our affair started the minute she came over. It was an explosive romance from the start. We started texting and calling each other all the time. She was head over heels over me and i had fallen for her as well. She started telling me how much she loved me and cared for me. We were sleeping together at various hotels around town all the time. We would often meet at local hotels during lunch breaks. She would cook for me, buy me gifts and incessantly text me.I was of course eager to reciprocate and i loved the attention that i was getting from this beautiful and intelligent woman and the sex of course was just magical ! There was still a huge part of me that felt guilty and nervous about getting caught. I was also afraid that she might at any moment have a change of heart and go running back to her husband. Her behavior was like that of a college girl falling in love for the very first time! I was thrilled!

Then one day she called me to meet her at a mall and in the parking to she started crying and asked me to marry her. She wasn't divorced and had a small 4 year old daughter. I told her no and that i wouldn't break up her home! I also was a coward to break it off with my fiancee who at the time was very nice and i didn't have the courage to the her i wasn't in love with her and in love with another married woman? How messed up is that. I told this woman that we could break it off and i was going to get married in another 4 months . Yet this didn't happen. I got married and then our affair continued. I thought she was going to hate me and not want to see me anymore but our affair continued. I know this was very unfair to my new wife but i was literally addicted to this other woman and her attention and of course the sexual chemistry we shared. She was still as attentive as ever but started showing signs of moodiness and i started getting her silent treatments then. She was constantly haranguing me about "not choosing her" and getting married to my wife instead. Not taking count of the fact that she was still married.

Fast forward to almost 2 years later and her husband found out about us. She immediately dropped me like a ton of bricks and left to go "fix her marriage" I thought it was over and as heartbroken as i was i realized or at least thought i realized that it was never going to work with us both being married. She actually blamed me and told me that she couldn't trust me because she got caught and instead of breaking it off with her husband she decided to go and lie to him some more of the extent of her relationship with me. Her husband it turns out was also having a relationship with another woman and she says they were just friends . i doubt that but i don't care. It just baffles me that she never wanted to discount her relationship with him but always wanted me to discount my wife. She would start by trolling Facebook and whenever my wife posted pictures of her and myself, this woman would go into an explosive rage and cut off ladies with me for 1 to 2 weeks and then come back as if nothing had happened. I bought a house and whenever i told her about it, she would get upset! My wife it turns out has wild emotional swings and is emotionally unstable due to past relationship issues and ignored me so much that i was even more attracted to the woman i was having an affair with.

Anyways when i thought it was over, i thought of trying  to fix my marriage whatever way i could and my wife an i decided to have a child. SO we had IUI and she got pregnant. Now this other woman came back into the picture and she told me that she couldn't trust her husband and was in it for life with me and would maintain a semblance of peace at home and she was now "going to love me and live for me" I was once again a coward and trying to play two sides of the coin and i didn't tell her my wife was pregnant. She found out eventually and exploded on me. WE were apart for two months and then rekindled but from then on it was a constant back and forth with her. She would come back to me, tell me she loved me and then find a picture on facebook or hear something about my wife and me being at a party and then tell me what a ass i was and how much she hated me. She never took any responsibility for her actions and that she was also married with a child. She expected me to be in an unhappy marriage and be childless while she went about fixing her marriage and not getting a divorce and to be available to her at any time she could see me. The fights continued for another two years with periods of her being loving and telling me she couldn't live without me and then on the next moment telling me she wishes i were dead and that she never met me. Throughout this all i never turned my back on her and was always available . I actually considered divorcing my wife . She would always disappear and then come back. I even knew of one other occasion when her husband told her that he made a mistake in marrying her and she came back to me telling me how much she loved me and and wanted to get a secret place with me where we could meet up all the time. Her husband knew nothing of all of this. She had even wanted me to get her pregnant one time and fool her husband into thinking it was his. That even i couldn't do!

She will explode at me out of the blue after periods of romance or contentment and tell me that i have ruined her life and she can never forgive me or trust me again . Yet then shortly after she will be telling me how much she loves me and misses me and how i am "part of her soul". Why is she messing with me. I told her to leave and not look back so many times but then i want her and when she comes back so tenderly i fall for it. Im having a very hard time leaving her.  This is a text she sent me recently after breaking up with me when she found out i danced with my wife at a NY eve party. Literally one day before she was talking to me and hugging me and kissing me and then she saw pictures of me dancing with my wife and just stopped talking to me. She tells me I've changed and I'm not "same guy she fell in love with". Read the text and tell me what you think? I know i am not exactly mister innocent here and i have committed adultery. But i thought she loved me and i thought i loved her and cared for her deeply too. We shared a lot. Not just sex! It was a daily meeting with fun and friendly talk and laughter and we shared so much in common. I told her often she was my dream girl.  Read the text she sent me and tell me what you think. Is she BPD? I realize i am a codependent and maybe even a narcissist and i am seeking professional help. I want to forget about this other woman and live a happy fruitful life but i can't get her out of my mind. Heres her texts:

These are example of the texts she has sent me:

All within two hours:

Her: I was aing pawn!

Her: Ppl like me are dispensable in Ure life

My life, my family have always been a nonentity to u

And they were treated as such

Me: What were you a pawn for? Can I ask you ?

 Her: U used me!

Me: How were you dispensable?

Her: I was Ure entertainment!

Me:You think my presence and time spent together talking and sharing life experiences have meant nothing. ?

Me: While u were my love and I brought u in

Me: Is this whole relationship just one sided ? I've never done anything good? Have I brought you so much misery and pain and done nothing for you at all ?

Me: Am I such a ass? You think I've just used you ?

Her: Oh gee! I got to hear Ure poor sob story and I took it to heart and decided to change it for u!

On the other hand, u heard my sob story and took to heart and played me the exact same way!

Me: I give you all the credit and then some for loving me ...

Her: Yes! U r a mothering ass and u shld DIE

Me: REALLY!

Me:You want me dead?

Her: U have hurt me and scarred me for life

So pls! Go and die! I wish u were dead

Prior to this about two hours prior i had met her for coffee and we were just talking and she and i had said we would like to put things at rest and in peace.

This is her apology text the next morning:

I wanted to say I'm sorry for my outburst last nite. I wanted to call and apologize verbally, but didn't think it was a good idea to disturb u, esp since you'd be operating.

Every time we talk abt 2012/2013, it throws me into a horrible rage. I haven't been able to get over that... .I don't know how to just let it go, don't know if I'll ever recover fully.

All I can see and focus on is just how well thought out and deliberate your entire actions were towards me, and how you've justified it so neatly in your mind. And despite it all, you've come and lashed out at me on so many occasions.

My only reason for texting is to tell u that despite EVERYTHING, my love for u was genuine even in the last 2 yrs.

True love shldnt be painful. If u ever genuinely loved me, I shldnt have been going thru so much pain and turmoil, where I have felt like killing myself.

I shouldn't have said what I did yesterday. For that, I'm genuinely sorry. No love shld ever bring out the ugliness that resides in each of us. It shld only bring out the best.

I know my family is a nonentity for u, you've never cared much abt hurting them or even me. What u don't understand is that, when u hurt me, I can't function sufficiently at home, becoz my pain is translated to everything around me. I know u don't care abt that.

My only true objective here is simple: after everything that's been said and done, can I genuinely put all this past me and actually give u another chance? The answer, after the outburst, was much clearer for me. I don't think I can. In fact, I know I can't. I don't want to hold u back in your recovery nor do I want u to regress. It's very important that you resolve whatever issues that you've been carrying. Whatever happens in life, whatever u do and whomever u do it with, pls know that you're totally worth it. U were the ultimate love of my life and pls pls don't settle for anything less than what you've experienced. I will never get over u, and I don't think I want to.


Is she BPD? I just want to share my story and learn and now move on after 5 years. Thanks for all the advice.

[ogopogodude]

Forgive me but I have not read your post (yet). But I will. It certainly is long.

When I read the topic of your post "Affair with a BPD woman" , I immediately thought of two words: Fatal Attraction.  That was a great movie with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close.

Anyways, ... I will get back to reading... .

[letmeout]

Watch out, she could cook your bunny

[Mutt]

Hi lostandconfused72,



I'm sorry for what you are going through. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. What members can look at are traits and boundaries with bad behaviors.

All within two hours:

Her: I was a ing pawn!

Her: Ppl like me are dispensable in Ure life

My life, my family have always been a nonentity to u

And they were treated as such

Me: What were you a pawn for? Can I ask you ?

  Her: U used me!

Me: How were you dispensable?

Her: I was Ure entertainment!

Me:You think my presence and time spent together talking and sharing life experiences have meant nothing. ?

Me: While u were my love and I brought u in

Me: Is this whole relationship just one sided ? I've never done anything good? Have I brought you so much misery and pain and done nothing for you at all ?

Me: Am I such a ass? You think I've just used you ?

Her: Oh gee! I got to hear Ure poor sob story and I took it to heart and decided to change it for u!

On the other hand, u heard my sob story and took to heart and played me the exact same way!

Me: I give you all the credit and then some for loving me ...

Her: Yes! U r a mothering ass and u shld DIE

Me: REALLY!

Me:You want me dead?

Her: U have hurt me and scarred me for life

So pls! Go and die! I wish u were dead

There's emotionalblackmail; guilt from (FOG) in the text.

What u don't understand is that, when u hurt me, I can't function sufficiently at home, becoz my pain is translated to everything around me.

I think she's being honest here. A person may be genetically pre-disposed to BPD; it could be early life trauma; examples are sexual abuse or a hyper-critical caregiver.

A pwBPD need a lot of validation; invalidation hurts someone that feels low self worth and low self esteem. The behaviors displayed are confusing, frustrating and hurtful when you don't know with what you are dealing with.  It can push everyone's buttons - I can relate.

Do you contact each other?

[HardLesson]

Her texts look to be carbon copies of the one's I found on my ex BPDw's phone to her affair partner (also a married physician). I am sure the relationship evolution with him was a carbon copy as well. There is a description (on this site) of how a love relationship evolves with a pwBPD. Stage 1 is the "vulnerable seducer", stage 2 is the "clinger", stage 3 is "the hater".  PWBPD will swing wildly back and forth between stages over the course of the relationship. While I am not a psychologist and cannot make a clinical diagnosis, I did spend 30 years with a BPDW, and from reading your narrative, I would say YES! All of the behaviors seem to be there. Unless and until you cease all contact (and possibly get a restraining order) this will not end. Sad, but true. I witnessed it. She has a constant need for validation and will not stop at anything to get it. The emotional blackmail is common and her efforts to keep you in a state of Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is a tactic to keep you in the relationship to quell her enormous fear of abandonment which is at the core of BPD. Run, don't walk, away from her at all costs or this will continue indefinitely. I would then seek therapy for yourself as I suspect you have codependency issues at this point. Just being honest here. You continued your relationship with her after being the recipient of horrible treatment and unimaginable texts. Now you are in a marriage that you say is unfulfilling and you didn't want to enter into. Then you had a child. BPD is insidious and the collateral damage caused to those who have interaction with pwBPD can be subtle and silent or ravenous and raging. In either case, very damaging. Good luck.

[JohnLove]

I also was a coward to break it off with my fiancee who at the time was very nice and i didn't have the courage to the her i wasn't in love with her and in love How messed up is that.

Is she BPD? I just want to share my story and learn and now move on after 5 years. Thanks for all the advice.

Thanks for sharing your story.

I understand how this can happen. Life certainly seems to enjoy throwing curve balls at us. 

But without judgement and by your own admission, how messed up is that?. Let me tell you. VERY. You are not completely stupid. You understand what you are doing.

But... .two wrongs don't make a right and 2 unhealthy relationships don't constitute a healthy one.  :'(

Dr. Johnlove with a medical degree from the School of Hard Knocks will suggest to you that your lover is indeed BPD. The texts and the push/pull are very typical of BPD. The cheating with you while maintaining a relationship with her husband are textbook, as are many of the more normal situations you have expressed where she has reacted very badly. The fact you are here asking for help only confirms my diagnosis.

Your wife with her wild emotional swings may not be BPD and may only have traits is going to be damaged by these revelations if/when she finds out as you yourself concur as happened with her previous relationships. She has invested herself heavily in you as witnessed by the fact she married you. This may destroy her faith in men, her love for you, and your marriage.

Is this what you want?... .

I hope you know what to do next. You need to trust yourself enough to do the "right thing" by everyone concerned including YOURSELF. Whatever that is. You alone know what to do... .it is the actual doing it that is much harder.

I wish you every success in moving forward.

[WalrusGumboot]

lostandconfused72,

It looks something right out of the BPD playbook, but Mutt is right. We cannot diagnose on this site.

Might I suggest that you start seeing a T, if you haven't done so yet? There is a lot of damage control ahead of you. Half of it pertaining to this woman, the other, you. I think you need to understand why you married your wife and had a child while continuing this affair with a married woman. There is more potential trouble down the road beyond this woman. Time to nip it in the bud.

Good luck.

[lostandconfused72]

Thank you to all those who have replied to my post. It's been two months since I logged on. Shortly after I posted, my lover whom I am now sure has BPD hovered me back in. She came to me in a very supportive and loving manner when I had contacted her telling her how depressed I was without her and how lonely, lost, and confused I was. We rekindled our romance briefly. She seemed interested in getting back together and continuing on with our relationship. I couldn't see beyond her once again and I jumped in headfirst. I felt like the pain of having lost her was wiped away and even though I knew that this was most likely not going to be sustainable, any contact with her was better than the pain I experienced without her.

Her initial loving and tender ways were no longer evident in the relationship. She would be seductive and playful but then also very cold and distant. I wasn't happy with this type of behavior and I grew quite frustrated and anxious. One day during a seemingly normal discussion about  doing our taxes, we got into a heated argument about household finances. She has always prided herself on being an independent and career-oriented woman. Yet she told me that her husband took care of their finances and she knew nothing about filing a tax return. I told her she was acting like an airhead primarily to jab at her since I felt I was constantly now on the defensive. Instead of her bashing me, or getting upset at me, she started to criticize my wife. This had nothing to do with our discussion but she would compare  herself to my wife stating that she was a career woman wears my wife stayed at home. This was always like her, never acknowledging her faults, and always putting the blame on others. In this situation, it wasn't even a question of blame.  this was merely her lashing out because of a comment I made. This was going on in a string of text messages. I immediately called her to try and diffuse the situation. We got into another heated argument which I should have just ended right then and there but anger and frustration took hold of me.

I felt used and abused by this woman. I had looked at her previous history of relationships and none of her friendships or romances has ever lasted. She was very forthcoming in the beginning of our relationship about how she was hurt by her ex-boyfriend's and how they had taken advantage of her kindness and left her. I could see how her demanding nature and vicious temper could make anyone run away. The thing with her is that whenever she meets new people she gets completely enamored with them not unlike me and swept away singing their praises. Then usually somebody does something and then she will cut that person off completely. I have seen this occur over and over again with her. She did the same thing to her husband when she met me. She had literally written him off and told me her marriage was irreconcilable and that she was forever in love with me. I have even asked her to seek counseling with her husband but she frankly refused.

The thing that upsets me the most with her, is that she will criticize any interaction I have with my wife and become irrationally jealous and then cut me off. She has no problems and will not explain all of the pictures of her and her husband on the Internet as well as give any explanation as to the depth of her relationship with him. She is carried on a sexual relationship with me for five years and has been very vague as to her relationship with her husband in that regard. I'm not stupid and I know she goes to home to him every night and therefore she has had to  have been sleeping with both of us. This is an something I've never been able to accept or deal with any previous relationship. I can honestly say that I haven't had a sexual relationship with my wife because of my involvement with this woman. This has really put a damper on my marriage and has been a source of conflict.

Getting back to our heated argument... .

in my anger, I called her a whore. It slipped out and  I probably should not have called her that.  I have called her a whore before and that has really upset her. I immediately apologized and try to retract.  she blew off the handle. I can understand how she would be upset since I drew "first blood"  so to speak.

she called me back then after hanging up and told me that she wished death upon my wife and my daughter.

This has been spinning in my head over and over since  she uttered those words.

How could a woman who I thought loved me and what thought was a decent human being say such a thing.?

I have never brought her daughter into any of our discussions nor have I ever wished anything that upon her daughter. But she brings my child into this.

Any rational human being would have simply hung up and walked away. She tried calling me over and over and I would not answer. I was very very upset and I still am.

Now here's the conflicting and very very messed up part of it.

I still miss her. I still miss her very much. I know I don't love her but yet I still miss this amazing relationship that had evolved between the two of us.  the next day I called her and left a message apologizing for calling her a whore. I even sent her an email in which I apologized for my harsh words and for all the pain that I have caused her according to her. I was very genuine and contrite. I then did ask her not to contact me again and to let this relationship fizzle out completely.   she did not contact me. We have been 25 days now with no contact.

I have no intention of contacting her. Is it wrong of me to wish that she contact me?

I miss her and I miss all the good times. This tumultuous relationship however has made me realize that nothing good is going to come of it. It bothers me to no end that someone could wish my innocent daughter death and yet I still missed them. I have started seeing a therapist and it has helped to some degree. I'm hoping further sessions will help me diagnose my own pathology.

I have taken myself off of Facebook. I know that she knows this. I have also taken myself off of all other social media sites.  in the past she and I would stalk one another on an application  called whatsapp.  I was so weak that I would always come back on even after discontinuing my account just to check in on her. Thus far I have remained strong and not gotten back on any of the sites.  I didn't log on on a false name, several times to check her profile. I firmly believe that about two weeks into our no contact, she was trying to bait me. In the past when we have fought,  she would post loving pictures of her and her husband on her Facebook profile. She did the same and I noticed. I did not respond to this. I know that my looking was causing me pain but I looked anyway and that is my fault. When I did not respond she changed it to a even more loving picture.  I still did not respond.  I was proud of myself. Then within 24 hours she changed her profile picture again to one of her and her daughter. This was all weird behavior and almost characteristic of her past.

Three weeks into her no contact with me, she started coming around the area where I work. I used to notice her car frequently in the past and in the last several weeks she has stayed away. Now at 20 days of no contact, she has started to make appearances in the local area where I work. I have not run into her, but a part of me is glad that she is in the vicinity. I don't know what I would say to her if we did run into each other. I know that it will cause me a lot of pain but yet I still miss her.

I have read a lot of articles and a lot of people's advice. I know I need to stay away.

I'm hoping that I can become stronger and do this.

Her love bombing and the initial stages of our relationship have gotten me hopelessly addicted to her. She told me I was her soulmate, the love of her life, and that she would never leave me. On our last reconciliation before this last disastrous break up, she cried in my arms and told me that she was just a call away. She told me that she has conversations with me in her head and that I and the love of her life. I don't understand how she can stay married to her husband, cheat on  him for five years. How can she claim that I am the love of her life and that when it doesn't work out with me the way she wants, just go back to him? I know I haven't been faithful in my marriage, and I certainly don't claim to be a saint but after leaving her I haven't exactly jumped back into the arms of my wife. My wife knows there is a distance between us. We have started going to a counselor to help us connect in some way. I know I can't truly and genuinely connect with my wife until I let my BPD ex-lover completely go.

I've rambled on and on and for those who have had the patience to read this, I thank you. I'm just so lost and depressed.  she's gotten into my head like no one ever else has. I think if I can only let it go I will be okay. I know that people afflicted with BPD have a whole host of issues that they need to contend with. I'm so angry at myself and her. I knew when the beginning that this was going to happen, but I let my heart and emotions go to her. I was lonely and wanted to be the center of someone else's universe. She made me feel loved like no one else ever could. Then she just pulls away. She has done this over and over and pulled at my heartstrings. I've made my own  mistakes and I'm not a perfect person, but I know that in love at least in true love to people should work together to resolve the differences.  the kind of love she claimed was out of this world and I felt adored but now her behavior makes no sense even though I know she has BPD. Please help with any advice or comments. Thank you.

[lostandconfused72]

And thank you to all for not being judgmental on this site.  It really means a lot.

[apollotech]

lost,

I am not in the psychiatric/psychology fields so this is only an armchair diagnosis from someone that has been in the trenches: yes, her behavior screams BPD. BPD or not, her behavior is not conducive to any commitment on your part. A pwBPD doesn't just wakeup one day and see the error of their ways nor do they just magically get better. What you are experiencing is her. She cannot/will not take responsibility for her behaviors/actions due to possibly dredging up deeply embedded shame. You will always be at fault.

As others have mentioned, you need to find a good T and work through what you have been involved in with this woman. You are damaged, whether you're aware of it or not, it is there. A great many of the high functioning people with BPD are master manipulators. From what you have written, yours falls into said category. She has you fulfilling her needs while marginalizing your needs. Forget her words, they are a tool of the manipulator; instead, watch her actions, the truth is there. IMVHO, until you see some irrefutable truth as to what is occurring, the damage that you are absorbing, you won't move away from her. I agree with you: You are addicted to her. That too, the ability to quickly establish a deep attachment, is a hallmark of her disorder. She has you triangulated with her husband (the Persecutor). She, of course, is the Victim. You are the Rescuer/Enabler. That alone constitutes manipulation. Good luck to you in whatever you choose to do.

[lostandconfused72]

Thank you apollo tech! Your words soothe and calm me and bring out the rational side in me. I know you're right. Its just so hard when 5 years have passed and I'm still stuck on so many words... .

I feel used. Like she got what she wanted out of me and then threw me away... .Thank you again. Means a lot.

[lostandconfused72]

One of the last text conversations we had prior to this last break up was the following:


Her - All of my pain is caused by you

Me - Really?

Her - Yes! you came into my life to cause me pain.

Me - what about my pain?

Her - my pain is caused by you and any pain you have is brought upon by yourself.


i was dumbfounded!

[apollotech]

One of the last text conversations we had prior to this last break up was the following:


Her - All of my pain is caused by you

Me - Really?

Her - Yes! you came into my life to cause me pain.

Me - what about my pain?

Her - my pain is caused by you and any pain you have is brought upon by yourself.


i was dumbfounded!

lost,

That is pretty typical of a person with BPD. YOU are the guilty party; EVERYTHING is your fault. She is completely shielding herself from any possibility of recognizing/admitting that her behaviors/actions might actually be the cause of her pain and/or yours. Again, this goes back to the fact that if she recognizes/admits to any possible fault on her behalf that might possibly stir her unresolved shame; she will avoid that at all cost, including sacrificing you and/or the relationship in order to not trigger that shame. It is a very selfish, one-sided, destructive defense mechanism. (It is the same mechanism applied during maximum love bombing, just with a different end goal; it is maximum defensive bombing, everything could possibly be destroyed.) As she is emotionally immature, her interactions with intimate partners are, as well, emotionally immature. Her emotions/thoughts concerning an intimate partner are extremely polorized (black/white thinking).

She is not well; when you accept that fact, you will begin to heal. If you are maintaining unfounded hope that it will all just sort itself out, acceptance is difficult. Being a physician, I would imagine that you have possibly seen this in play if you have dealt with terminally ill patients. Family/friends, loved ones, do not want to hear that their beloved family member/friend is not going to make it. Unfounded hope breeds denial. That denial is destructive/dangerous.

[wanttoknowmore]

Mental health professionals can answer better .But, I still want to contribute my two cents. (1) What you underwent is nothing unique... .this is very very common process what happens in r/s with a pwBPD. (2) Yes... .She did love you deeply in the beginning phase and it was not premeditated manipulation but unfortunately this love always fades away within months and you know it when PUSH-PULL behavior starts happening. (3) Later, every man falls from the grace or dropped down from pedestal ... .thus, starts the DEVALUATION phase ... .means "its all your fault" "you used me" "I am in pain because of you etc"  Very classic pattern in such R/S.  In  plain English "MAN... .YOU ARE PAINTED BLACK NOW"  You distance and there is a time gap, slowly the black paint starts chipping away and you might  look white again in her mind and then she contacts you. Recycle might start only to repeat the same pattern.

(4) You may go thru a period of great GUILT because of being married... .(5) You will keep having memories off and on of amazing experiences you had together which slowly starts fading away in months... .sometimes in years.  (6) You may go thru self loathing and disappointment and doubt about your own capacity to judge people.

Long term therapy with a competent mental health professional can help greatly as it possibly might clarify what was your deepest needs that you needed this relationship and that will enlighten you about your own mind which leads to self empowerment.

Lost... .once lost does not mean lost forever... .a person who get lost but comes back home by evening is not considered lost.  We are all humans and we all get lost sometimes... .Its hard but have compassion on your ex-lover who is suffering from deep wounds from her past and does not have much  control on her emotions and behavior in any love relationships. She loved you until she could not love you due to her disorder.

These are my 6 cents offered to you with love and well wishes... .as a physician... .you already know that even  deepest  wound heals with time. You will heal... .I am sure.

[Mutt]

Her - my pain is caused by you

Hi lostandconfused,

Her pain is caused by past trauma.

At the center of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment fears a narcissistic injury.

unresolved shame

A lack of of emotional nurturance.

She doesn't trust herself or others and subconsciously reenacts her trauma on loved ones.

any pain you have is brought upon by yourself.

Her emotions/thoughts concerning an intimate partner are extremely polorized (black/white thinking).

She splits herself and loved ones and projects negative feelings of shame and guilt.

She's projecting her actions on you.

[lostandconfused72]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your kind and soothing words. Everything that you all have mentioned makes so much sense. I know she is ill and It certainly has made it easier to cope with. I just wanted to be Adored and loved by someone and she really fulfilled that need. I know That I must never contact her again. I finally realize it will just keep on going in the same cycle. I guess i just had my heart set on her and i really wanted to believe someone could love me forever and unconditionally. I'm just hoping that time and emotional distance will allow me to heal and start to forget about her. Some days are good and some days are really bad. I feel strong after I talk to my therapist but then I weaken again and my thoughts drift to her... . Part of me wants revenge... . But i know thats not the solution. Im better than that. I wanted to tell her husband what a liar and cheat she is but i suspect he already knows to some degree. She is an expert deflector... . And manipulator and has pulled the wool over his eyes... .

I often wonder if she feels sorry or regret for having hurt me... . Does she know i miss her and think of her? How does anyone profess to love you " forever and a day" and then stomp on your heart? I know i invited her in and it was a risk i had to take but i was so in love with her... .

Thanks again apollotech, wanttoknow and mutt. I was so happy to read your words... . Im sad beyond words... . Thanks.

[Skip]

Getting back to our heated argument... .

in my anger, I called her a whore. It slipped out and  I probably should not have called her that.  I have called her a whore before and that has really upset her. I immediately apologized and try to retract.  she blew off the handle. I can understand how she would be upset since I drew "first blood"  so to speak.

she called me back then after hanging up and told me that she wished death upon my wife and my daughter.

This is degenerating fast.  You really need to step back and re-look your approach to communicating.    lostandconfused72... .  spend some time here and talk this out. Best not to wait until the frustration builds back up before posting again... . And if you are trying to learn how to understand her/communicate with her, do some posting on the Staying Board.  There are tools that will help. I expect there will be more mutually agreed on contact... .

This post is on the leaving/detachment board - the Undecided board is also probably a better fit.

OK?

The thing that upsets me the most with her, is that she will criticize any interaction I have with my wife and become irrationally jealous and then cut me off. She has no problems and will not explain all of the pictures of her and her husband on the Internet as well as give any explanation as to the depth of her relationship with him. She is carried on a sexual relationship with me for five years and has been very vague as to her relationship with her husband in that regard. I'm not stupid and I know she goes to home to him every night and therefore she has had to  have been sleeping with both of us. This is an something I've never been able to accept or deal with any previous relationship. I can honestly say that I haven't had a sexual relationship with my wife because of my involvement with this woman. This has really put a damper on my marriage and has been a source of conflict.

One problem with affairs is that there are no foundation, no rules, no code. Is your expectation that she is being unfaithful to you when she sleeps with her husband? Is that a fair expectation?

And then there is her husband and your wife. Should your wife understand that you see sleeping with her as being unfaithful to your mistress?

This is not judgment. It's a practical reflection of the reality you're in. These things get real messy, fast.  It is very likely that all 4 parties in this are operating to a code that is being violated to levels at or above what you are feeling. Its amazing you have gone five years and this hasn't imploded. You don't want that.

Right now the affair is stalled.  I imagine your anxiety is sky high.  

What you really need right now, before the next round starts, is to get on terra firma so that you can start thinking this thing out... . get on a plan that can have a happy ending.  You've got a lot of conflicting desires and loyalties, so its going to take some hard work to make sense of this all.  

Anti-anxiety meds might help.  It will also help to give her space - let this cool down from that very damaging exchange of words.  There has been space before - no reason to feel panicky.

Do you have someone you can go to to get a meds evaluation?

[vortex of confusion]

Hi lostandconfused!

I really understand your confusion.

I have experienced some of the same things that you are feeling. To give you some background, my husband and I experimented with an open relationship for a while. I met a guy that I talked to pretty regularly on FB. We texted some but not much. This went on for almost 2 years. At different times, I tried to cut things off because I had a lot of questions about him but didn't get a lot of answers. A lot of stuff didn't add up. It seemed like I would always get sucked back in. It was easy to do when I have a husband at home that largely ignores me. My ex-friend would be online late at night when I couldn't sleep so we would talk and flirt and sext. I had spent a lot of years trying to reach out to my husband to no avail.

Like you, I wanted that attention. I wanted to feel like somebody wanted me. My husband and I have 4 kids together but he seems disconnected most of the time. I feel like my husband could pretty much plug anybody else into my place and be just as happy. I wanted to feel special. My ex-friend, even with the push/pull craziness, made me feel special. I recently cut things off with him because I found out that he had been arrested and charged with online solicitation of a minor and attempted sexual contact with a minor. He never told me this. He had been acting a bit distant for the last several months. I had an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach so I did some google searching and found the news story about it. I didn't see it when it originally aired on TV. So, I did some more digging and verified that he had indeed been arrested and charged and has been going to court. He never told me any of this stuff. I found it out on my own. I never told him goodbye. I never said anything to him. I deleted all of his contact information. Blocked him on FB and have no intention of ever talking to him again. Do I miss him? Absolutely! I miss the person that I thought he was. I miss the attention. And, those nights when I am up late and can't sleep seem even more lonely than before.

It doesn't matter if your wife or your affair partner are BPD. The fact that you are dealing with two moody women says something about you. That has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I can sit here and talk about how my husband and ex-friend treated me and how they are probably BPD. The bigger question is whey the heck did I allow TWO different men to treat me in such disrespectful ways?

There is no way that you can work on your relationship with your wife as long as you keep that other woman in your life. It sounds like she says things about you and your family life that might silently drive a wedge between the two of you. Even in completely ethical non-monogamous situations that sometimes happens. It is dealt with by having completely honest and open communications. If you are hiding relationships and keeping secrets, it is almost impossible to navigate your way through things because your allegiances are divided. I know that there were times when it felt like I was being pulled in two different directions. I didn't want to hurt my husband but I also didn't want to hurt my ex-friend. At one point, it had gotten to a level where my friend didn't even want me to have sex with my husband. I was really torn by that. I was completely confused because I was trying to remain loyal to two different people.

Sending you some hugs!   

Take some time and read the lessons and do some serious soul searching. This stuff isn't easy. I think it is important to make a decision one way or the other and stick to it because all you are doing is sabatoging yourself and all of the parties involved.

[Dunder]

Hi lostandconfused!

I really understand your confusion.

I have experienced some of the same things that you are feeling. To give you some background, my husband and I experimented with an open relationship for a while. I met a guy that I talked to pretty regularly on FB. We texted some but not much. This went on for almost 2 years. At different times, I tried to cut things off because I had a lot of questions about him but didn't get a lot of answers. A lot of stuff didn't add up. It seemed like I would always get sucked back in. It was easy to do when I have a husband at home that largely ignores me. My ex-friend would be online late at night when I couldn't sleep so we would talk and flirt and sext. I had spent a lot of years trying to reach out to my husband to no avail.

Like you, I wanted that attention. I wanted to feel like somebody wanted me. My husband and I have 4 kids together but he seems disconnected most of the time. I feel like my husband could pretty much plug anybody else into my place and be just as happy. I wanted to feel special. My ex-friend, even with the push/pull craziness, made me feel special. I recently cut things off with him because I found out that he had been arrested and charged with online solicitation of a minor and attempted sexual contact with a minor. He never told me this. He had been acting a bit distant for the last several months. I had an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach so I did some google searching and found the news story about it. I didn't see it when it originally aired on TV. So, I did some more digging and verified that he had indeed been arrested and charged and has been going to court. He never told me any of this stuff. I found it out on my own. I never told him goodbye. I never said anything to him. I deleted all of his contact information. Blocked him on FB and have no intention of ever talking to him again. Do I miss him? Absolutely! I miss the person that I thought he was. I miss the attention. And, those nights when I am up late and can't sleep seem even more lonely than before.

It doesn't matter if your wife or your affair partner are BPD. The fact that you are dealing with two moody women says something about you. That has been a hard pill for me to swallow. I can sit here and talk about how my husband and ex-friend treated me and how they are probably BPD. The bigger question is whey the heck did I allow TWO different men to treat me in such disrespectful ways?

There is no way that you can work on your relationship with your wife as long as you keep that other woman in your life. It sounds like she says things about you and your family life that might silently drive a wedge between the two of you. Even in completely ethical non-monogamous situations that sometimes happens. It is dealt with by having completely honest and open communications. If you are hiding relationships and keeping secrets, it is almost impossible to navigate your way through things because your allegiances are divided. I know that there were times when it felt like I was being pulled in two different directions. I didn't want to hurt my husband but I also didn't want to hurt my ex-friend. At one point, it had gotten to a level where my friend didn't even want me to have sex with my husband. I was really torn by that. I was completely confused because I was trying to remain loyal to two different people.

Sending you some hugs!  

Take some time and read the lessons and do some serious soul searching. This stuff isn't easy. I think it is important to make a decision one way or the other and stick to it because all you are doing is sabatoging yourself and all of the parties involved.

After 16 years of marriage, I met a fpwBPD. The relationship never got sexual but the emotional bond that was created between us during an 8-month relationship was so difficult for me to turn away from that I needed the support of a T and this website to finally end it. Most but not all of the relationship was online. I initially met her in person in another country but then the relationship consisted of text messages, emails, and phone calls. Facebook and other social media was a big component of my connection to her. I frequently tried to lower the temperature gently on the relationship, but this only triggered the abandonment fear reflex that is a hallmark of BPD. My marriage is not great, but I didn't want an affair with her, I knew that it would ultimately be a big net loser for me and those around me, though I fantasized about it all the time. And that initial stage of the relationship was too seductive for me to turn away completely. Bottom line: I had an emotional affair with a woman with BPD but after 8 months I ended it because it had no future and was causing me enormous emotional pain. 19 days of no contact. It's not easy, but I know I did the right thing. I keep coming back to that simple fact when I begin to lose my resolve.

[Reforming]

Hi Lostandconfused,

It's clear from your posts that you're in a lot of pain right now and I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time

I think you've already got some good advice from the other posters


People have affairs for different reasons. I think the uncomfortable truth is that in certain circumstances many of us are vulnerable to having affairs. And once you get involved the drama, the intensity and the fantasy can make them very addictive - and particularly so if you experienced the crack of idealisation

We can hide so much from our lovers and ourselves when we have affairs, but sooner or later reality has a way of forcing its way into the room causing a lot pain for everyone involved

"in my anger, I called her a whore. It slipped out and  I probably should not have called her that.  I have called her a whore before and that has really upset her. I immediately apologized and try to retract.  she blew off the handle. I can understand how she would be upset since I drew "first blood"  so to speak. She called me back then after hanging up and told me that she wished death upon my wife and my daughter."

It's very hard to make good decisions when you're feeling so overwhelmed and it's hard not to be in your current circumstances.

You're trying to process events things that would overwhelm anyone

Could you take a time out and give yourself some space? In the circumstances it would probably help to stop any contact with your lover for a period. There are also other people involved spouses and children who need to be considered... .

Not easy I know, but you need some time and space to recharge and consider your next step .

It's great that your seeing a T - may of us here found it invaluable. Has your T given you any advice on how to move forward?

I think that it's certainly possible that your lover has a personality disorder - her behaviour certainly fits the criteria . But, even if that's the case you are not responsible for her behaviour and you cannot change or control it so the most important thing now is what you chose to do.

"Its just so hard when 5 years have passed and I'm still stuck on so many words... .

I feel used. Like she got what she wanted out of me and then threw me away…"

I can understand your pain, many of us have experienced the same feeling of abandonment when we were devalued. For my part I eventually realised that I needed to understand how I got there in the first place.

You don't end up with someone else without choosing to be there. Owning your choices isn't easy but it's the only way to move forward

I really hope that you can find a way through this to a better place. Keep posting

Reforming

[lostandconfused72]

Thank you to everyone who posted   their replies. It really means a lot to have such support from everyone. I know my situation is very complicated.

Someone commented that I am having an affair and that they felt I wasn't owning up to my part in the whole deal. Let me clarify.

I knew from the beginning that engaging in an affair with a married woman while I was engaged to someone else was wrong. I also knew that it had the potential to end in disaster. I accept my responsibility completely and know  that if I had just stayed away, so much pain for myself and for my ex-partner would have been spared. I know that none of this is fair to my spouse or her spouse.

Having said that, let me summarize a few points.

When I first saw my ex five years ago, I had the simply noticed an attractive woman that I worked with. I found out she was married quickly and I essentially kept a friendly  relationship with her. I can honestly say I had no intentions of pursuing her in any way.

I'm not trying to assign blame to her, but it was her who invited herself to my hotel room, it was her who declared to me that she had been dreaming about me and had romantic feelings for me. I never initiated any such talk with her. I had the choice of course to walk away once I knew that she was interested in me more than just as friends.  I also had the choice to refuse her any physical contact. She was very  persistent and frankly speaking she offered me the kind of love, attention, and care that I wasn't being offered by my fiancé/ wife. I was completely taken by her. In the beginning particularly, I noticed that whenever I pulled away or mentioned my feelings of guilt, she would just give her heels and and lovebomb me even more.

She was so persistent and insistent that I was the love of her life, it's hard for me to explain in this post. She had written off her husband and her marriage.

Every time I try to have a discussion regarding how we would make our affair work, she brushed it off and said that she just love me and didn't want to think beyond that. I should have taken this is a clue that there was something wrong. But I loved her attention, I reveled in her adoration, our physical chemistry seemed unmatched. We met every day for breakfast, lunch and for stolen moments in between. She essentially became my daily bread, my confidant.

The problem that I saw, was that she never talked about her marriage other than to tell me there was a disconnect with her husband. If I did the same with my marriage, it would upset her and she would get on Facebook, look for pictures that I took with my wife and get very ugly and accusatory with me.

I faced a lot of mental confusion where she was concerned. I was in love with her but married to another and seemingly she had the same situation. The realistic part of me knows that this was not sustainable. I thought we would both do our duties to our spouses, and then have each other as an escape or refuge. I know this sounds foolish but it was the fantasy I had created. There was no real other way other than to get divorced, bring our families into the whole deal and risk social embarrassment.

We sustain such a relationship for five years. Of course there were all the pushing and pulling escapades, breakups, and  reconciliations. I was seriously convinced that we can make it work. I even started seriously considering divorcing my wife but I knew she was not going to divorce her husband. I felt that when I was completely emotionally and physically available to her, that she was no longer interested. Maybe I'm looking to much into it but that is the distinct feeling I got. When my attitude was different, and I didn't expect anything from her or expect our relationship to last, it felt like she was more clingy and desperate to keep me in the picture.

Seeing a therapist has helped a great deal. So has this site. I don't want to blame everything on my ex.  her behavior screams of being a BPD and knowing her history it all makes sense.  I just can't get beyond all of her words and so many loving actions. What I had always wanted I had found in her. I was willing to accept so much anger and outburst just for those moments of love and adoration that she would show me. Even now when I know she is ill and now certainly detached from me, even after all of the evil and mean things that she has said, particularly about my daughter, I still miss her, I still want her. I just have to take a deep breath and think about everything that has transpired in our relationship and know that it is not right for me and I gain some clarity. Even though I want her to contact me I don't think I really want a relationship with her at this point. I know it's going to continue to go in the same direction and nothing good will come of it. I think my missing her and having her on a pedestal makes me crave that relationship. I agree I really need to have this woman out of my life in order to get my marriage a fighting chance. My wife is coming to see my therapist with me tomorrow to discuss how we can improve our relationship.

I think you all from the bottom of my heart for listening to me and for your replies. I really feel alone in so much of this.  I can't really tell family or friends and have to suffer in silence most of the time. We have been almost 30 days no contact and I aim to keep it going. While part of me wants her to contact me an even bigger part  just wants her to stay away. I'm afraid that seeing her or exchanging any words with her will put me back to square one.

She seems firm in her resolve not to speak to me but in the past or breakups have lasted  between 30 to 60 days and then somehow we get back together. I just hope I can remain strong and not give in.

 thanks again everyone.!

[vortex of confusion]

How old is your child? If you can't stop all of this stuff for yourself, can you do it for your child? Think about the heart ache that your child will be put through if you and your wife get a divorce.

I have been on both sides of your situation. Having a spouse marry me without giving me all of the facts is brutal. My husband is a sex addict and preferred everything else to me. You were having an affair with somebody before you ever married your wife. Does she know about any of this? As I have gotten more and more information about my husband over the years, I have felt more and more betrayed. A lot of times, I have felt like our entire marriage was based on a lie. He loved himself and his pornography and other stuff way more than he ever loved me. We will be celebration our 17th anniversary this June and we have 4 kids together. My husband has a lot of BPD traits but I am trying to find ways to make it work between us for the sake of the kids.

In order to do that, all other outside parties need to be kicked to the curb.

I faced a lot of mental confusion where she was concerned. I was in love with her but married to another and seemingly she had the same situation. The realistic part of me knows that this was not sustainable. I thought we would both do our duties to our spouses, and then have each other as an escape or refuge. I know this sounds foolish but it was the fantasy I had created. There was no real other way other than to get divorced, bring our families into the whole deal and risk social embarrassment.

It is easy to get caught up in those fantasies. The bigger question is "Was your life with your fiance/wife so bad that you needed to escape it before you ever got married? If so, why did you marry her?" That is a question that only you can answer.

[Reforming]

Hi Lostandconfused

I'm glad you came back and posted again.

"Someone commented that I am having an affair and that they felt I wasn't owning up to my part in the whole deal."

I'm not sure whether you were referring to my post, but I wasn't my intention to blame or make you feel bad about yourself.

"I'm not trying to assign blame to her, but it was her who invited herself to my hotel room, it was her who declared to me that she had been dreaming about me and had romantic feelings for me. I never initiated any such talk with her. I had the choice of course to walk away once I knew that she was interested in me more than just as friends.  I also had the choice to refuse her any physical contact. She was very  persistent and frankly speaking she offered me the kind of love, attention, and care that I wasn't being offered by my fiancé/ wife. I was completely taken by her. In the beginning particularly, I noticed that whenever I pulled away or mentioned my feelings of guilt, she would just give her heels and and lovebomb me even more."

When I got involved in an inappropriate relationship I justified my own poor own choices in very similar terms saying that the woman involved had pursued me, wouldn't take no for answer and had instigated physical contact etc.

It took quite some time for me to be honest to myself and acknowledge that I chose to see her, I chose to accept her advances and I chose to keep seeing her. I could have told her clearly that I was not interested and walked away at any time. I chose not to.

I'm not saying this to beat up on you, but I found taking responsibility for my own choices helped give me perspective and regain control of my life.

"She was very  persistent and frankly speaking she offered me the kind of love, attention, and care that I wasn't being offered by my fiancé/ wife."

I do understand how seductive love bombing or idealisation can be, I think everyone here can. I don't know much about your relationship with your wife, but I think the secrecy and drama of affairs frequently make the connection feel very intense and special - the problem is that it's based on fantasy - not reality and sooner or later the real world tends rear its head.

You both have spouses that you go home to so it's not surprising that jealousy and dysfunction would start to poison your relationship.

"I faced a lot of mental confusion where she was concerned. I was in love with her but married to another and seemingly she had the same situation."

I think you faced lot mental confusion about your own circumstances, married to one woman, but in love with another.

"The realistic part of me knows that this was not sustainable"

I agree.

"At some point I thought we would both do our duties to our spouses, and then have each other as an escape or refuge. I know this sounds foolish but it was the fantasy I had created."

I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Are you saying that you hoped that you could continue the affair as before?

"There was no real other way other than to get divorced, bring our families into the whole deal and risk social embarrassment."

This may happen anyway, but I think the social embarrassment is less important than the potential hurt and damage to your respective spouses and children.

In your first post you said "I also was a coward to break it off with my fiancee who at the time was very nice and i didn't have the courage to the her i wasn't in love with her and in love with another married woman? How messed up is that?"

Have your feelings for your wife changed since then? Do you both feel the same? It's very hard for any marriage to succeed without honesty and mutual respect.

In my experience affairs don't resolve marital problems, they just make them worse. It's almost impossible to work things out with your spouse if your heart and your head are focussed on someone else. If you genuinely want to try and save your marriage you need end all contact with your lover.

It's not easy, but I think couples can recover from infidelity provided both are equally committed and they get the right support. And even if MC doesn't save the relationship it can help couples minimise the trauma and damage of a divorce.  

Well done on getting to 30 days NC, it's a great start.

"I just can't get beyond all of her words and so many loving actions. What I had always wanted I had found in her. I was willing to accept so much anger and outburst just for those moments of love and adoration that she would show me. Even now when I know she is ill and now certainly detached from me, even after all of the evil and mean things that she has said, particularly about my daughter, I still miss her, I still want her. I just have to take a deep breath and think about everything that has transpired in our relationship and know that it is not right for me and I gain some clarity. Even though I want her to contact me I don't think I really want a relationship with her at this point. I know it's going to continue to go in the same direction and nothing good will come of it. I think my missing her and having her on a pedestal makes me crave that relationship."

It's a fantasy fuelled by her initial idealisation of you, which was never real. You can overcome come it - it's not easy but plenty of others her have managed to do it. Write a list of the bad moments, and push her off the pedestal.

It might help to view your attraction as physical / chemical addiction. In many respects you're like a drug addict obsessed with recapturing the initial high. You can't - it's gone and if you keep going back you'll get is more and more pain.

The withdrawal symptoms might be unpleasant but they will end, and the sooner you get it out of your system the sooner you will feel well again.

Reforming

[vortex of confusion]

"At some point I thought we would both do our duties to our spouses, and then have each other as an escape or refuge. I know this sounds foolish but it was the fantasy I had created."

I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Are you saying that you hoped that you could continue the affair as before?

I wanted to comment on this as it is something that my husband and I discussed at length when we tried the whole open marriage fiasco. If you feel the need to escape your spouse, that is a sign of a larger problem. It could be incompatibility between you and your spouse. It could be that you aren't good at dealing with reality. (I am not trying to be mean with that. It is a common problem with lots of people, myself included.)

I know that when I was in the midst of my side relationship, I had the same thought. My husband isn't meeting my physical or emotional needs so I will get them met by somebody else. I had it all worked out in my head that I could take care of my husband and kids like always and then retreat to see my friend on occasion so that I could recharge and be an even better wife and mother. I have heard of situations where that works but those situations require a lot of honesty and it requires that ALL parties involved know what is going on and even then is difficult territory to navigate. Trying to live two different parallel lives is exhausting. My husband knew about what was going on with my friend but my kids didn't.

I am of the opinion that if you love somebody enough to want to be in a relationship with them, then you should want to tell the whole world about it. If you can't tell the whole world about your relationship, then it is time to rethink it.

[lostandconfused72]

thank you all!

I agree. A hidden relationship and one that is based on deception isn't a healthy one. You should be proud of it and tell everyone how much you love the one you are with.

My daughter is 2 years old and i certainly don't want to scar her or lose her. I have to keep her in the forefront of my mind and focus to keep my wits about me.

Its not so much about continuing on with the affair as it is now trying to gain some closure with this ex-lover of mine.

The whole idealization/love-bombing thing was something i really liked and fell for. I know she wanted me to fall for her and "reel me in" so to speak and it obviously worked like a charm. But then the devaluation kicked in and i can't wrap my head around the fact that someone like her who appears to be a very normal and charming person and physician could behave like that? We both knew we were having an affair. WE took a lot of chances. What was she trying to achieve here. I know that BPD behaviors stem from some childhood/adolescent traumas and fear of abandonment but why bring another into the mix? it sounds very selfish and mean to get your ego stroked by this other person and when you have had your fill you just dump them and walk away or worse yet you treat them like crap and push them away and then pull them back telling them that they are the love of your life. Im honestly really angry that she could do that! I was so deluded that i thought id never leave her and come hell or high water i would stick it through because in some twisted way i had committed to her. I made mistake and i had my bouts of anger but i never abandoned her.

Once she told me to go to hell and stopped talking to me. Basically told me to stay out of her life and what a ass i was and how i had ruined her life. I stayed away as instructed. She had some minor gallbladder surgery a week later and i knew but she was so angry so i didn't contact her. She also had her husband and her parents with her. she comes back to my life and tells me how much she loves me and carves our names together into the sand on the beach.  During our so called "make up" she tells me that she wants to be with me but is so angry that i wasn't there for her and didn't call her when she had her surgery. I couldn't even speak. I tried explaining to her that she was the one who told me to stay away but she kept telling me how despite the way she loves me i couldn't call her before her surgery. I couldnt win.

I think seeing her pathology for what it is makes it easier to cope in many ways.

I agree with what one person said and that its that i have my own fear of rejection and abandonment issues and i need to improve myself as a person and really heal.

I have really appreciated everyone's support and don't take anything as criticism. Sometimes you need to hear the blunt truth to get it through your head. at least thats what i believe. SO please i welcome any and all comments.

No one has been mean! Everyone has been helpful.

It s good to hear that with prolonged non-contact and the passage of time that things do get better. I have faith in that and it keeps me going.

Who would have ever thought that these BPD/NPD personalities could have such a profound impact on others , their psyche and emotions.

It sounds silly but sometimes i wish i could be hypnotized to just forget her entirely.

[Reforming]

Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's a film about a borderline which explores the idea of erasing memory.

BPD is a hidden disorder and initially it's hard to accept that someone who appears to be a mature healthy adult is actually deeply disordered.

It's quite common for BPD to have affairs with unavailable married partners because the part-time nature of these relationships are easier for them sustain. They find genuine sustained intimacy exhausting and overwhelming.

Though the push pull dynamic and the devaluation feels very cruel it is not premeditated malice - it's just their disorder acting out.

Vortex, I've heard and read about open marriages, but very few of them seem to really work. As you said they're very tricky to navigate and can easily up in triangulation, distrust and jealousy.

I think if your marriage isn't working and your partner isn't meeting your needs, it's better to begin by letting them now and working together to see if it can be improved. Going elsewhere in a short term fix that rarely ends well

[KateCat]

Thanks for coming back, lostnconfused72. It shows real character to be able to engage in these hard discussions. I'm beginning to think you're gonna make it.

[ScotisGone74]

Congratulations on taking steps to overcome your situation.   You physicians are pretty smart folks, you know the effects of an overload of dopamine has  on the brain.    The constant love bombing, compliments, and sex pump up our levels of dopamine much like any addictive drug would.    Thats exactly how I felt after the end of the relationship, like I was coming off of something major, like heroin or coke, and Ive never done a drug one day in my life, but thats the effects a BPD can produce on our system, it takes a while to flush that out.   Once you put the Focus back squarely onto you and let her take care of her you will be in a better place.     Good luck on the journey, its full of twists and turns

[apollotech]

"BPD is a hidden disorder and initially it's hard to accept that someone who appears to be a mature healthy adult is actually deeply disordered.

It's quite common for BPD to have affairs with unavailable married partners because the part-time nature of these relationships are easier for them sustain. They find genuine sustained intimacy exhausting and overwhelming.

Though the push pull dynamic and the devaluation feels very cruel it is not premeditated malice - it's just their disorder acting out."

lost,

I know that you are not going to want to hear this, and I am not being smug: her behavior is not directed at you personally (As Reforming said: it is not out of malice.). As I have stated in a prior post on this thread, her personality disorder is her. The idealization of you was/is not real either; that too is a manifestation of her disorder. It is not about you. As she suffers with a PD, she would direct her behavior towards anyone. Being the recepiant of said behavior is devastating. We, all the Non's here, have been there.

This is another odd thing about BPD: If she hadn't cared for you deeply, if you hadn't meant anything to her, you would have never been exposed to the destructive side of her. When they actually have love and intimacy with someone, the fuse is lit; the bomb will explode. This goes against everything that we're taught in regards to love and intimacy in relationships. It is the sun being cold and dark.

She, in my opinion, will never be able to provide the things that you are looking for in an intimate relationship. Again, her behavior has nothing to do with you. Those are conclusions that I reached in my own relationship with my BPD afflicted, then, gf. We would get very close (too close for her) and she'd feel engulfed. As a result, she'd explode and blow us apart. Then we'd be too far apart (too far apart for her) and she'd feel abandoned. As a result, she'd once again resume the relationship. I went through three of these recycles in 8 months; when the fourth one began, I walked away. Do I want my BPDexgf back? Yes (but not as she is). Do I still love her in many ways? Yes indeed. Do I miss her? Everyday. Do I still envision a future that we could have shared together? Yes. Do I feel as if she and I were cheated out of that future? Yes. But, she is not healthy enough to be in a relationship. She cannot provide what I need. I had to accept those facts. I sure as hell am not happy about it.

[Learning Fast]

L and C,

My story is very similiar in that I'm married and have been having an affair with my married BPDgf for just over a year and a half.  Without going any further let me give you an unsolicited advertorial for this site---it is a phenomenal resource that has helped me immensely as I've grappled with my situation.

I've experienced about everything that has been posted on the site---breakup/makeup, silent treatment, splitting, projection, "revisionist history" of past events, etc.  If I didn't know otherwise I would swear that there is a bonafide BPD handbook/owners manual that circulates among those who have the disorder as so many of the postings reflect similiar experiences.  My BFDgf left without a trace (save a brief text) at about the one year point.  We were NC for about a month and did not see each other for about two months.  The good news with the break is that it gave me time to sit back and reasses what had happened over the past year (and discover this site).  The bad news is that I then pinned the "savior" badge on my chest and thought I could help/love/educate her to a better place when she reengaged.  This was misplaced hope as most of my efforts failed.  The irony that most of us have all experienced is that intellectually (she was as practising attorney prior to starting a family), compatibility wise (very cultured), romantically (we'll all agree that speaks for itself) and financially (she essentially has unlimited financial resources) this was a very adult relationship.  Emotionally it felt like a teenage/high school relationship at best without hope of graduation.

My game plan in unwinding this dysfunctional relationship:

---Own up to my responsibilty (or irresponsibilty).  I allowed myself to initially engage and subsequently reengage.  This is nobody's fault but my own

---Spend time on myself as I have my own issues that need to be identified before I can work on my other relationships

---As many have mentioned this disorder will not disappear by sprinkling pixie dust.  You can't help/love/hope it out of someone.  One of my kids is over 2 yrs sober and I know about how strong denial can be when an affliction is deeply rooted

---Trying my hardest to recognize that it is the disorder speaking most of the time and not the person.  Therapists continued to tell me throughout my daughter's treatment/recovery that she indeed was "in there" but it was the disease speaking.  This has helped me significantly in not taking my BPDgf behavior personally.

Above all, many thanks to all who make up the DNA of this site.  Your advice has been priceless and rewarding on many levels.