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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Leaving a back door open for her (like she is doing with me)  (Read 1396 times)
Pedro
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #30 on: August 14, 2017, 02:15:57 PM »

Yes I still run, have kept off the 11 pounds I have lost in the last 4 months. Last year I lost 16 pounds also Feel fitter and healthier some days when I'm not too overwhelmed dealing with her.  Lot of stress with my immediate family Mum & youngest Brother in particular. Between exgf BPD & Mum & Brother trying to support them all with their respective mental health problems it has broke me mentally & physically. I cannot support my 2 family members this way anymore. It's made me ill partly. My job is particularly stressful lately due to working for a government health dept that makes continuous cuts to public service provision in terms of staffing levels but increases the patient flow & workload with less staff.

When she's gone I may try Meditation we'll see?

Thanks.
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Skip
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8817


« Reply #31 on: August 14, 2017, 02:53:35 PM »

She may just get lucky with Mr Wonderful & do therapy or he is a stronger more resilient character than me but good luck to them they'll need it?

I think it would be good to change the narrative in your mind.

I think you are far more sure of this 1 date relationship than either of them.  Being cool (click to insert in post)   Stop calling him Mr. Wonderful. Maybe Mr. Transition is a better word. Mr. Wonderful implies that you are Mr. Leftover Fish. Don't do that to yourself. It's not unusual for someone moving across the world (her) to want to connect with someone to help the transition - otherwise she is all alone in a strange place. She surely hopes it will be magic. I wouldn't be surprised if this is over 90 -120 days or if it becomes more casual.

Mr. Wonderful is her Dad.  She went home and told her parents she was thinking about moving back and they probably went crazy over that. What parents wouldn't.

Even saying simple things like "I will not stay in contact with you" & "please do not contact me when you return to DFW TX" are major milestones for me

They are! You laid low with a lot of grace and sacrificed your own feelings to give her a lot of room to sort out her family commitment and her feelings for you. That was a big sacrifice. I sense that she really respected that (and still does)... .but she is pushing over that line of taking advantage of you... .and you need to push back to get to a level you feel comfortable with.

I still have physical pain in my chest & stomach from the break up & I do resent her for making me feel like this still.

I would certainly resent the truly mixed signals. Its one thing for her to make a decisions to go home to her parents. It's another for her to be civil and friendly in the long transition - that's actually good - lots of members got devalued and licked to the curb.  But the "I love yous" and having pet name tattoos, talk about staying, etc. was really dumped on you without any awareness for how it would twist your emotions. It was selfish - even if she was feeling all those mixed emotions things (and I assume she was).

I cannot do a FRIENDSHIP relationship whatever she thinks we can be or do when she returns home. I cannot cope with that. It's not fair on her & her current relationship, I wouldn't like it being done to me.

Pedro, given all that has happened, I suspect she is hoping for as much support in this ominous transition as possible and then will fade away. This is probably more mixed signals.

It might help to share all the things that you resent here. Get it out. Lets others reflect with you. I'm sure its a mixed bag of stuff and getting it down will help you release it.



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Pedro
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



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« Reply #32 on: August 14, 2017, 03:09:32 PM »

Hi Skip.

Mr Wonderful has been this sarcastic piss taking name I give to him that I don't share with her nor she knows about on here. I say it with laughter, mockery and my own sanity, it really helps me, not building up her current beau. Yes her Dad is a great man.

She keeps bringing up staying in touch in with me. Every time I verbally stop her in her tracks and put her down saying "no it's not going to happen, I will block you on cell phone & email if you do".

All my work colleagues tell me which I believe what a gracious, more professional better person I am than her in how I have conducted myself over the last 4 months. I take on board these positive comments. It does help.

As I've posted earlier I have 2 immediate family members with mental health problems which sap a lot of my energy & mental well being. So I can never be free of other people's problems.  I am slowly cutting back & withdrawing some support to them as they have to help themselves more with therapy and counselling. I cannot keep giving of myself. It hurts me to say this about my family who I love dearly.

I am starting to become a bit selfish putting me first, thinking of me first which is strange but I have to do this for me & stop being this care giver to everyone.

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Pedro
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



WWW
« Reply #33 on: August 15, 2017, 12:26:21 AM »

My resentment is that she will not discuss her BPD even out of the relationship. I've told her to tell my replacement so he doesn't get put through what I did. I resent the fact that she won't acknowledge the 4.5-5 years of rage implosions self harm insecurities accusing me of affairs. The fact I gave her nothing but unwavering unconditional love and support with hindsight now learning about BPD was not helpful. She only sees me reaching out to an ex for advice or somebody to talk to because she wouldn't talk. She shifts all the blame onto me & I resent that. Had she opened up and talked I would never had opened up to an ex. I feel I've wasted 6 years of my life which I can never get back. Those are most of my resentments I can think of.
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Pedro
****
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



WWW
« Reply #34 on: August 15, 2017, 06:52:08 AM »

She's only being polite to me because she has to to an extent living I. The same house. I know otherwise neither of us would be in contact apart from legal and financial matters if either living elsewhere.
She doesn't give me enough credit for how I've conducted myself last 4 months. She thought I'd be weak.
I know she's not going to be in touch when she's home and that is how I want it.
I give her the minimal amount of support in the house we speak less & do less than we've done since her vacation return compared to most of this year.
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #35 on: August 15, 2017, 03:17:18 PM »

What are your feelings around this, Pedro?

Do you feel angry and/or resentful? If so, those are very normal responses to what you have been going through.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



WWW
« Reply #36 on: August 15, 2017, 03:29:44 PM »

I excuse some of her behaviour that has happened this year because of her BPD, in that I understand from learning here, and reading books, traits, behaviours, mind sets.

It's the fact that she won't have her condition BPD spoken about, she wont acknowledge or recognise the 4.5-5 years of sheer hell I endured mentally that her illness caused. The fact that I was a passive compliant trained dog that just kept quiet, stop doing JADE because he knew he could never win an argument she instigated. I couldn't cope with her illness, apologised for her outbursts, for a quiet coping easier life. I didn't have the tools to cope or help her, she wouldn't go to therapy or counselling, but because she's relatively stable the last 15 months on an SSRI that I pushed her to try, she's a different person, yet I got left behind being this nervous wreck submissive weak person that went with what she said as it was the only way I could cope.  She won't or see that I'm broken because of her illness.
So after all the support I gave her through her permanent ___, somebody else gets the improved her that I laid the foundations for, stayed with her when she was cutting, overdosing, & drinking liquor to passing out. So it pisses me off my replacement gets the person I stood by, I resent that.
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heartandwhole
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3592



« Reply #37 on: August 16, 2017, 03:37:30 PM »

So after all the support I gave her through her permanent ___, somebody else gets the improved her that I laid the foundations for, stayed with her when she was cutting, overdosing, & drinking liquor to passing out. So it pisses me off my replacement gets the person I stood by, I resent that.

Yep. I hear that, Pedro. And in your shoes, I'd be feeling very resentful.

Without willingness to change her patterns, and effort towards doing that, I don't think that things will necessarily be better for your ex and her new beau. We can't know what will happen with them, but BPD or not, the way this has all gone down tells me that there are issues that have been shoved under the rug. I think these issues will come back to the fore with time—in my experience they have a tendency to do that.

This is really tough stuff. It gets better—really. The important thing is that you are feeling your feelings and processing this change, with support. 

heartandwhole


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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
Pedro
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated, devastated, physically & mentally broken, but living in the same house until it is sold. Such profound loss & sadness of losing my soulmate, lover, best friend.
Posts: 324



WWW
« Reply #38 on: August 16, 2017, 03:47:13 PM »

Part of me will be glad when she's gone completely & I never have to see or hear her in the real, or hear by email or text message ever again. However this part of me still loves her (not rose tinted glasses), she has missed a golden opportunity to address issues or maybe it's easier to cope or not deal with things as she is? That's her choice she's made her bed & now she's lying in it. She said recently that she's never had this experience before when she has separated from, or somebody has separated from she's normally raging, things are heated her screaming verbal slanging matches with ex's, yet she says I've been so good with her.
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