Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 02:35:05 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Having Trouble Adhering to NC.  (Read 4378 times)
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2017, 03:52:49 PM »

So after contacting her, we had a conversation in which she asked why I was contacting her. She always adopts this 'teacher' type tone, almost as if I'm a child and she's a teacher? Almost talking down to me? I don't know if that's relevant. But she kept saying she 'had to be up early' and 'didn't want' me starting conversations with her when she has to be up early (despite the fact that the reason I messaged her was because I saw that she was online, hence awake) - almost telling me off for keeping her up despite the fact she was already up, if that makes sense?

So I stupidly told her that, you know, I've really been thinking and I would really like it if we could talk. That I missed her, didn't want this - stuff like that. (It's interesting, I always go into submissive mode when I'm talking to her. Deep down, I don't really miss her nor do I want to be with her or get back into that unhealthy dynamic so I don't know why I do this.) Her replies were short, telling me she wanted NC, that she doesn't want me contacting her whenever I want.

I replied that I really do try to maintain NC, but that I'm finding it hard. A few hours went past where I hadn't heard from her and her final messages were "I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I don't want to be with you, I just want to get on with my life!"

I wouldn't attempt to contact her had I not experienced a caring side to her. And the previous breakup /makeup cycles don't help - she's always come back and so that makes me inclined to contact her every so often, my mind thinks that's going to happen again. I didn't reply to those last messages she sent. I know her rage and anger will just get worse and she'll end up insulting me or blocking me or whatever else she tends to do. I just left it.

I feel like I'll keep these messages, just so that I can see - no matter what I say, no matter how I phrase it, no matter how calmly I approach her... .it doesn't make a difference.

I'm so confused now that I don't even know if I'm being persistent (I don't contact her - I have spoken to her twice in two weeks) or whether she's being unnecessarily cold and dismissive? While I can accept that yes, we've broken up - the dynamic of what the relationship was is making it feel like my thoughts relating to this are quite distorted. Usually I'd just move on, feeling upset of course, but move on. There'd be no intense urge to try and 'fix' the situation or to get in touch with her.

I wish this was over, tbh.
Logged

Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #31 on: August 21, 2017, 05:29:00 PM »

It's all madness friend.  Complete addiction and madness.  Your brain is telling you one thing, your heart whispering lies to you. 

I'm four months no contact and she finally calls me out of the blue Friday crying, asking me to fly to where she was vacationing with her boyfriend to save her from him.  She feared he was going to really hurt her.  I fell back into my old pattern, promising to wire her money, get her a plane ticket, but I couldn't fly at that moment.

Next day she called me and says she's OK, she will keep the avenue of communication open (FB messenger) and we can continue to talk.  She says she's never gotten over me, she misses me terribly, and I fell back into my old pattern -- 'WHATEVER YOU WANT HONEY", why are you with this jerk, etc.  She promised we would talk Monday.

Well you know how the story ends right?  Monday I'm all excited to talk to her on messenger and she's gone again.  Completely.  Disappeared.  Not even on FB.  Family not responding to me.  Absolutely no way of contacting her.  And I'm left worried, shamed, confused.

I'm a codependent weakling.  I'm a complete jerk.  I make myself sick with self loathing she drags out of me. 

There are plenty of wonderful women out there.  As she told me so many times (and you apparently) -- you deserve better, go get better.

So... .
Logged
JaxDK
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 85


« Reply #32 on: August 21, 2017, 05:45:29 PM »

Wow, that must be horrible. Having to see her and being setback a little each time. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through that - do you have a thread on here that I could have a look at?

It was a 2 1/2 year relationship. I saved her according to her, from an abusive marriage. She had 3 kids with him. I basically took over his role because he was a real deadbeat dad. I was the savior/rescuer. She didn't have volatile traits and is high functioning. Not anymore obviously but she was with me. I kept her balanced. We had 15+ recycles over the course of our relationship. Most of them was drama which I'm highly sensitive to. Specially when somebody uses guilt/shaming/obligation to eviscerate my boundaries and causing drama and chaos. I left her every time. Got begged back or I regretted my decision out of obligation/love.

Thinking back, having one foot out the door was probably what kept the relationship balanced at first. Then I was guilted/obligated/pressed to give up my own apartment to move in with her and that's when it started going down hill. Her bad days became more frequent. There was zero appreciation of all I did for everyone. Anything that took attention away from her would cause drama. Even my phone. Every time i was sick, she suddenly was too. A convenient way to avoid taking care of me. Something I've done for her the whole relationship.

I ended up with a depression, on auto pilot, a recluse withdrawing from co-workers, friends and family. That's when I ended it the only way I could. By breaking up and telling her outright I didn't love her anymore. I called her out on her gaslighting during arguments, her manipulative and controlling behavior. I basically slammed that door so shut there was no chance of reconciliation.
It was the only way I could mentally survive and not return for another round.

I was doing just fine until she found somebody new a month later. She tried to rub that relationship in my face time and time again. It hurt a lot. That was day 1 for me. I hadn't mourned the good parts of our relationship and the side I fell for. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

If you want to know more, click my username and there should be a link taking you to my first posts
Logged

     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
Jacidrinkswine
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #33 on: August 21, 2017, 09:46:27 PM »

You must keep nc- every time you break you start at 0. May sound harsh now. But it is the best advice, you will thank me later! I garrentee it!
Logged
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #34 on: August 22, 2017, 10:49:38 AM »

You must keep nc- every time you break you start at 0. May sound harsh now. But it is the best advice, you will thank me later! I garrentee it!

I don't really have a choice.

I tried my best to approach her in the calmest, most polite way I could.

All that came of it was me being sent a list of ways in which she doesn't want anything to do with me - as if it's I who is the horrible person. She 'just wants to get on with her life' - even though I haven't stopped her doing that. I don't need to hear any more negativity from her.

It's clear she doesn't possess empathy or compassion, or even seem to remember that her and I were just in a relationship for almost three years.

What's the point of contacting her, there isn't one.
Logged

JaxDK
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 85


« Reply #35 on: August 22, 2017, 11:09:22 AM »

I don't really have a choice.

I tried my best to approach her in the calmest, most polite way I could.

All that came of it was me being sent a list of ways in which she doesn't want anything to do with me - as if it's I who is the horrible person. She 'just wants to get on with her life' - even though I haven't stopped her doing that. I don't need to hear any more negativity from her.

It's clear she doesn't possess empathy or compassion, or even seem to remember that her and I were just in a relationship for almost three years.

What's the point of contacting her, there isn't one.

It's an exercise in futility once they split you. It's the nature of the disorder not being able to see good and bad at the same time. It's a deep embedded defence mechanism of pure survival.

You are the only one stuck with the good memories now
Logged

     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #36 on: August 22, 2017, 11:15:45 AM »

You are the only one stuck with the good memories now

I know. Now she sees me as someone who wouldn't leave her alone, etc etc. Been here before. She'll never remember me in a good light. Great.
Logged

Seenowayout
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 152


« Reply #37 on: August 22, 2017, 01:14:24 PM »

At some point you may be remembered in a good light again -- but what good is that?  You are a whole person, not all good or all bad.  This is all complete madness.

After my experience with my ex a few entries up this thread -- I demanded an explanation from her daughter today -- since I was teased with hopes of reconciliation but also a little worried about how she wound up.

Daughter first comes back with physical and social threats -- and then finally says her mom "was drunk and had a moment of weakness".  Weakness?Doesn't weakness imply some attraction?  What is she being strong against?  To be with a man who she's physically afraid of?

I'm so sick of all of this.  I honestly wish I never met her. Lie down with a dog long enough and you'll get fleas.  I got fleas.  As someone else posted -- time to go back to time zero -- reset the clock.  4 whole months NC wasted.

Who cares how he remembers you clvrnn.  You deserve better.  Much much better.
Logged
epicdaydream

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #38 on: August 22, 2017, 01:42:20 PM »

I did this today. Don't do it. Fight the urge. For me it didn't solve one thing but make it worse.

That is my advice.


So today I still feel like contacting her.

I am afraid to, though. I am afraid of her reacting angrily. I am afraid of finding out anything about her dating life, or whether she's involved with someone else.

The urge to do so isn't dying down.

If I contact her, will she think I'm crazy? Weird? Will she hate me?

The last time I calmly tried to speak to her, one of the things she said was, "It ended nicely, but that wasn't good enough for you, was it? You had to ruin it, didn't you?"


It didn't end nicely, first of all. Having someone suddenly break up with you and discard you completely isn't nice. Secondly, I didn't ruin anything. As I've experienced many break up make up cycles, how can I NOT believe that it will just carry on that way? Every time she has broken up with me she has reconciled with me. I didn't approach her in a rude, hostile, aggressive, horrible way. I said something like "I miss you" and she just exploded with anger at me.

I'm sick of being made to feel that I'm crazy. I may have a few emotional difficulties regarding relationships, but I'm sick of her making me out to be some insane person who doesn't know what they're doing, and who is making her life a nightmare (she said that, too).

What about MY life, and the way she's making ME feel? I highly doubt that right now she's even thinking about me. This hasn't affected her life in any way.

This whole situation is horrible. And at the end of all of that, I STILL want to speak to her. What on Earth is that about?
Logged
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #39 on: August 22, 2017, 03:53:13 PM »

I did this today. Don't do it. Fight the urge. For me it didn't solve one thing but make it worse.

That is my advice.



Thank you for your advice, Epic. I contacted her a couple of days ago or whenever I made the post; she hasn't changed. You're right. We expect them to be nice or empathetic but it never happens. It's amazing how even though we know all of this stuff about them, we still expect change. Mad.
Logged

JaxDK
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 85


« Reply #40 on: August 22, 2017, 04:36:06 PM »

Thank you for your advice, Epic. I contacted her a couple of days ago or whenever I made the post; she hasn't changed. You're right. We expect them to be nice or empathetic but it never happens. It's amazing how even though we know all of this stuff about them, we still expect change. Mad.

I told my ex I needed the handover of my son to be as short as possible because I still missed her a lot, and I needed it to help me heal and move on. I got accused of trying to ruin her new relationship.

No empathy whatsoever
Logged

     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #41 on: August 22, 2017, 04:54:43 PM »

I told my ex I needed the handover of my son to be as short as possible because I still missed her a lot, and I needed it to help me heal and move on. I got accused of trying to ruin her new relationship.

No empathy whatsoever

Lol, the two things aren't even related! They LOVE twisting things to make YOU appear as the villain, don't they? Wow. That's horrible. Cruel. Selfish.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #42 on: August 22, 2017, 04:56:28 PM »

This describes it so well.


www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/heres-why-i-keep-coming-back/
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #43 on: August 26, 2017, 10:37:57 PM »

Every time I start feeling better, I feel like I dip straight back down. I keep Googling things about this and everything suggests that that's a normal thing to experience, but I still feel like I'm not going to get through this.

This is my longest relationship and I can't picture myself healing from this. I've just been crying and the pain I feel is so intense I can't even breathe; her attitude toward me the last time I contacted her was just so horrible to experience. I said everything about how I was finding it hard not being with her/talking to her, asked if we could meet up or talk on the phone. She didn't want to do anything and just told me to go away, basically.

I still feel like if I say something else she might be nicer, but I know she won't. I can't deal with the fact that we'll probably never speak again or see each other again (and I shouldn't want to, but I do).

I saw a domestic abuse advocate last week who gave me an exercise to complete, to do with the Power and Control Wheel? After I'd finished it, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, humiliation. Nothing my ex did or said was genuine. EVERYTHING was abusive in one way or another, and I just felt like, how did I not notice any of this? I feel so stupid.

I just can't see myself getting through this. I thought I was starting to feel better, but I'm not, at all.
Logged

Readyforsomechan

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12


« Reply #44 on: August 27, 2017, 12:39:47 AM »

... .
I just can't see myself getting through this. I thought I was starting to feel better, but I'm not, at all.

I feel your pain.  My sense and hope is that you will get through this and find true love and acceptance in the not-so-distant future.  Speaking only for myself, I am beginning to realize that as a partner of a pwBPD for 8-years, I have experienced more than my share of emotional abuse and may also have a fair measure of low-self esteem and even PTSD as a result of some of the more distressing aspects of the relationship.  I am in no way giving advice, but speaking for myself, disengaging from an abusive partner (or ex, in my case) seems the only way to escape the destructive cycle; which otherwise may repeat endlessly.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #45 on: August 27, 2017, 05:30:16 PM »


Thanks for sharing this article, which I enjoyed reading.  It does sound like the thought process of an emotionally unhealthy individual with self esteem and abandonment issues, that's for sure.  I saw a lot that I recognised here.

Excerpt
I saw a domestic abuse advocate last week who gave me an exercise to complete, to do with the Power and Control Wheel? After I'd finished it, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, humiliation. Nothing my ex did or said was genuine. EVERYTHING was abusive in one way or another, and I just felt like, how did I not notice any of this? I feel so stupid.


My domestic abuse support service run a course for recovering abuse victims where we spent a lot of time on the power and control wheel and I can relate to your feelings.  It can be a lot to take in so be kind to yourself and do whatever your body and mind ask for right now.  If that is sleep, give it to yourself, as with foods, air, exercise.  All the basics. 

The emotions you are going through can feel quite overwhelming at times I know, so try to balance healthy distraction with giving yourself some allotted time to 'sit with' these and allow them to be there.  Accepting feeling awful and deeply sad, hurt, angry, etc can sound a little nuts however in mindfulness we practice treating our feelings like guests in our own home.  Allow them in and welcome them, trying not to label them as 'bad/good/right/wrong', just accepting them with self compassion and kindness.  They are more inclined to pass through more quickly this way.  Fighting feelings can make them last longer - what we resist persists.  I know it's hard, so just try to remember that this doesn't last.  Hang in there.  We're with you.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Lost-love-mind
a.k.a. beezleconduit
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 207


WWW
« Reply #46 on: August 28, 2017, 04:11:48 AM »


"I'm sick of being made to feel that I'm crazy. I may have a few emotional difficulties regarding relationships, but I'm sick of her making me out to be some insane person who doesn't know what they're doing, and who is making her life a nightmare (she said that, too)."

That is a page from my book with my exBPD. Exactly.
Over 2 months out from a 2 month relationship, and I can't stop wanting to contact her and reconcile.
I keep reading that the obsession is like withdrawals from drugs.
Again, 5 am and I remember the Luvy duvy texts before she went to work. The provacative photos she would send me while she got ready.
Then, post breakup, her doing the same with my replacement(s).
It's a sick web we weave in our minds.
I'm finally back to work after a 2 month depression. I've avoided eviction, for now.
The recovery from the "Luvy duvy" drug euphoria is my responsibility. I'm joking a recovery group at a local church after the upcoming holiday. Gotta keep moving forward.
Logged

I'm a pwBPD traits, diagnosed.
Raul
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 205


« Reply #47 on: August 28, 2017, 05:00:18 AM »

Hey clvrnn,
Feel for you, hang in there, it is total madness and the longer you can stay NC you will start to understand how ill they really are and how there is nothing you can do and also nothing good there for you.

I was in a ten year marriage which ended terribly. I was discarded viciously. I was not good either, "too controlling, insecure, jealous" etc... .there was nothing good in my character according to her, I needed help, needed to fix myself. So over the period of time when she decided to discard me I lived a terrible and painful life. I was living with her but in her mind she was gone, I was trying to fix things and I took all sorts of painful abuse just to keep the marriage together.

Man I was so weak, I just couldn't let go of her, I was trying and trying while she continued to treat me abismally. This went on while living together. She would talk to the world on the phone all day long but would ignore me completely. She would go out at night and I was not allowed to know where she was going, if I dared she would start "see? You are so insecure" one of the last times together she actually said "I love you but I am not in love with you, you are not my husband or my lover." Wow that hurt! But... .I don't know why I would still try to keep 'us' together. So stupid.

She then left me to go on a trip. I packed and eventually left our family home and wrote a goodbye letter. She then went nuts! I couldn't do that "don't say goodbye, I can't cope" etc, etc. I did and went NC for two months.

She then started to reach out by asking silly stuff, an address, an email address, etc, I ignored her requests. But when I finally answered one and sent her whatever she needed, she started to contact me non stop. I was now the "best person the world, she missed me, she love me so much, she had made a mistake, couldn't live without me, needed to restart our relationship"... .in short NUTS!

I learnt a big lesson and have been trying hard to restart my life, get into good things, regain my self worth. Six months down the track wth the occasional LC in which I have acted extremely non comital I feel so much better, I actually feel like she did me a huge favour in a way. I was never going to leave her, I was going to put up with her stuff forever, which really wasn't right. Of course I miss aspects of her but the ugly tough side I saw during the discardement I don't want to be close to ever again. I am 59, but feel sure that I will meet someone good at some stage, I am not in a hurry right now.

Hang in there, time will heal you, you will see this in a completely diferente light and may I say you may find yourself like me thanking her for giving you a new chance in life, a new healthier beginning, away from her chaotic and damaging behaviour. Take good care.
Logged
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #48 on: August 28, 2017, 01:18:39 PM »

Well, what do you know.

This afternoon I received an email from her. She asked me if I'd been attempting to access her email account (I haven't, and I doubt such a thing has even happened, to be honest.) It's such an aggressive, hostile message too. The subject line is 'account breach' - Initially I thought MY account had been breached, with a title like that! I haven't replied. I haven't replied because I know what this is. It's not only a bait and switch, but a 'flip' tactic.

I'm angry because she told me to leave her alone, that she didn't want to talk to me, that she wanted to get on with her life - full of rage (and still appearing so, in this email). I did as she asked. I've been going through utter hell and she KNOWS this.

I can't block this particular email address from contacting me, either. This is a work account I use and there are no blocking facilities (it just gets sent to trash, but you still get notified) - I feel so... .I know this is going to upset me, at some point. It's just annoying. I'm doing SO MUCH to get through this, and she does this. This is the second time she's done this, too. The last time was accusing me of spying on her Instagram ("Call me" message in the middle of the night)

If this had been weeks ago, I'd have replied. But I don't see the point, now. I'm so annoyed with her. Can't she just leave me alone? I thought that's what she wanted.
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #49 on: August 28, 2017, 01:28:47 PM »

I haven't replied. I haven't replied because I know what this is. It's not only a bait and switch, but a 'flip' tactic.

you have been trying to have contact with her. i understand this isnt exactly the desired form of contact you would hope for, but i encourage you not to flip this yourself.

if someone was contacting you against your expressed wishes, would you feel frustrated? angry? fearful? depending on the nature of the contact, all of the above?

and if you received a notification that someone was trying to get into your email, who would be the first person you would assume did it? you might be wrong, but would it be a reasonable assumption?

i think it would go a long way to reply to the letter. to state unequivocally that you have not nor will try to access her email. that you respect her wishes.

if you do that, youll have covered your bases, and if she sends another message like this one, you will have zero reason to reply.

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #50 on: August 28, 2017, 01:34:12 PM »

you have been trying to have contact with her. i understand this isnt exactly the desired form of contact you would hope for, but i encourage you not to flip this yourself.

if someone was contacting you against your expressed wishes, would you feel frustrated? angry? fearful? depending on the nature of the contact, all of the above?

and if you received a notification that someone was trying to get into your email, who would be the first person you would assume did it? you might be wrong, but would it be a reasonable assumption?

i think it would go a long way to reply to the letter. to state unequivocally that you have not nor will try to access her email. that you respect her wishes.

if you do that, youll have covered your bases, and if she sends another message like this one, you will have zero reason to reply.



I contacted her 9 days ago. I had respected her wishes. She has done this before, also. Perhaps that is a good idea; it wasn't me and I have never tried to do that. She herself has hacked into many of my accounts. As I said, I doubt such a thing has even happened.
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #51 on: August 28, 2017, 01:48:24 PM »

if shes done this before, and youve denied it before, then it probably isnt necessary. the question is what could it hurt. the other question that should inform the previous one is, what do you think would happen?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #52 on: August 28, 2017, 02:03:35 PM »

if shes done this before, and youve denied it before, then it probably isnt necessary. the question is what could it hurt. the other question that should inform the previous one is, what do you think would happen?

I don't care what would happen. What I know is that I was told to leave her alone, and I did and she keeps contacting me with strange unnecessary questions. Even if she did think it was me, there's no need for contact. Just change your password and move on.

She's told me to leave her alone hundreds of times DURING the relationship, and then turned up at my house. She hasn't said this because we've broken up. This is just her. She's a nasty person.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #53 on: August 29, 2017, 10:39:47 AM »

I give up trying to get over this. Nothing is working. Therapy not working, gym not working. No one understands and she doesn't even care about me anymore. What's the point
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #54 on: August 29, 2017, 10:42:53 AM »

it hasnt been very long since what may be the most difficult pain youve ever faced. expect that this will be a long road, with intense ups and downs. therapy is work, recovery is work, and there are no magic pills.

No one understands

when you say no one, are you referring to friends and family? your therapist? both?

whats going on in therapy?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #55 on: August 29, 2017, 02:33:12 PM »

it hasnt been very long since what may be the most difficult pain youve ever faced. expect that this will be a long road, with intense ups and downs. therapy is work, recovery is work, and there are no magic pills.

when you say no one, are you referring to friends and family? your therapist? both?

whats going on in therapy?

Yes, I mean my friends. I'm not in touch with family for reason I don't know if I mentioned in here but they're basically quite dysfunctional so I'm keeping away. My friends are being there when they can, but I'm starting to feel even more and more frustrated as time goes on. I feel like I'm expected to just move on and be glad I'm out of it - and not only that, talking about it doesn't feel like it's helping. I've started getting tension headaches and I don't really tidy my house or look after myself, appearance wise. I just feel horrible and I can't see an end to it.

Therapy - not much, really. My therapist has been off for two weeks which is highly frustrating. I know she's on holiday and we all need a holiday but everything is happening NOW and it's just so overwhelming
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #56 on: August 29, 2017, 02:46:33 PM »

depression is very likely at play here, the majority of members on this board arrive with it. have you considered seeing a doctor about it? did you discuss it with your therapist?

I feel like I'm expected to just move on and be glad I'm out of it

dont buy into others expectations for your grief. do what you need to do to grieve.

- and not only that, talking about it doesn't feel like it's helping.


distractions are not inherently bad. if you dont feel you can get out of the house, dive into a video game, anything like that. the goal is to do what you can and it helps to slowly build on that as we can. if talking about it and thinking about it are making things worse, try something else.

do you get the sense that we understand? does it help to talk to people that do? if so, i would limit talking about it to those that understand. let your friends distract you. try to enjoy your time with them, even if its just for a maximum of ten seconds.

I've started getting tension headaches and I don't really tidy my house or look after myself, appearance wise. I just feel horrible and I can't see an end to it.

i let myself go for a while, too. it was a dark time, and sometimes it did get worse before it got better - but it did, eventually, get better. this will likely return eventually, but again, its very likely that depression is at play. trying to function while depressed can feel overwhelming.

Therapy - not much, really.

sorry to hear your therapist is on holiday, i can imagine how tough that is when youre struggling here and now and everything feels so intense. do you know if your therapist has knowledge/experience about BPD?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #57 on: September 05, 2017, 06:43:05 PM »

Hi,

I haven’t posted for a while, and I’m quite embarrassed about what I’m going to reveal.

What I’d ideally like to receive here is some support, some guidance, and perhaps some reassurance?  (I don’t want to sound demanding, but I’m really wary of being criticised and judged, as this is a very difficult thing to come on here and talk about)

I had gone two weeks without speaking to my ex. I felt quite positive. I felt that I was making a lot of progress, in terms of not having obsessive thoughts, not wanting to contact her.

She contacted me through the email, and because I felt ‘OK’ (or I thought I did) I thought I could handle contact with her. We discussed the possibility of being ‘friends’ – she told me that I meant a lot to her, that she would rather have me in her life than not, etc. It had been a long time since I’d heard her say anything positive and so I suppose I liked it. I agreed to us meeting up. She came over, and we started chilling out and watching films, etc.

We had some alcohol, and we ended up sleeping together. The next day, she was still acting as if we were a couple; being cuddly, holding hands, etc. We spoke about what had happened, and she told me things such as “I’m still emotionally attached to you, and it’s too soon for me to become involved with anyone else” and “I love you very much and I miss you”. Again, it had been a while since I had heard anything like this from her, so I believed it.

We then spoke about what was going to happen from then, and we agreed to talk in a couple of days to see what was going to happen. She went home.

Yesterday, I called her. The conversation didn’t go very far/well, she became frustrated and angry and started telling me that SHE’S decided we can’t see each other again, that we have to go back to no contact.

The more I tried to reason, to ask that we see each other to at least TALK about things – the angrier she became. She told me that she doesn’t really care about me, to leave her alone, etc. She is refusing to see me again. She’s basically become abusive, again. Cold, blunt, dismissive, angry, harsh.

I feel humiliated and used, and very hurt. Yes, I didn’t have to go through with any of that, but now I am feeling horrible. I bought some wine earlier to numb what I was feeling, and I never drink. I don’t know how or what I am going to do.

How can she come here and act so loving and expect me to slip straight back into No Contact? I feel like it's impossible for me to even comprehend. Too painful.
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #58 on: September 05, 2017, 07:15:32 PM »

In my opinion I think that no contact takes practice, you have feelings on both sides, it's difficult to shut that off, as the emotionally mature person in the r/s, it's up to us to make changes within ourselves, we can't leave it with a pwBPD. I completely understand how difficult it is to go no contact. It's good that you posted what you need, if you need validation, support etc then you can definitely ask for that. Don't be hard on yourself, many of us here struggle with no contact, including me. I'd like to share a quote with you.

Excerpt
Fall down seven times, get up eight ~Japanese Proverb
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2017, 08:03:26 PM »

Thank you, Mutt. That is reassuring advice. I have felt many times as if I am supposed to go straight into NC and stay there - despite this person being unhealthy, she's still someone I care for, quite a lot.

I worry about how I am going to begin detaching, again. I know it's probably as easy as just doing so, but it feels a lot more complicated. The things she was saying to me have opened everything up, not to mention the intimacy. I am not in the mindset of just-about-to-begin-NC at all.

I wonder if she meant all the things about how she felt about me, because the way she is insisting that we go into NC, that we don't see each other again, and then being quite abusive in terms of insulting me makes me feel it was all a lie.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!