Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 25, 2021, 06:14:50 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1] 2 ... 4  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Having Trouble Adhering to NC.  (Read 4400 times)
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« on: August 17, 2017, 09:49:57 PM »

Hello all   

Recently come out of a 2.5 year relationship with a woman who was, as I'm finding out, either BPD or NPD. Or both. 

Basically; aside from all of the usual BPD symptoms she showed during the relationship I am now struggling with NC (which she enforced). I have changed my number, but we've spoken a few times via email.

I am finding that I am constantly thinking about her; I'm constantly checking my email inbox for messages, constantly thinking of ways to phrase a message which wouldn't make her angry, thinking of asking her to meet up with me, obsessing over her with another partner (explicit sexual imagery).

She insists she isn't with someone else, and has never lied about anything while we were together so I believe her on that - I am, however, worried about time passing and her entering into another relationship and it being 'too late' to get in touch. I'm aware it probably already is too late.

I'm sorry this post isn't making much sense, my head is all over the place.

She's also broken up with me several times so I am finding it hard to believe that this is final. We've done that whole breakup/make up cycle very often.

I personally feel quite a connection to this person and keep thinking if I say this, or say that, that she'll respond positively. However, the last time I tried this (4 days ago) she got extremely angry and began telling me that she didn't want to see me, talk to me, be with me etc etc and hurled insults at me. Extreme rage that seemed to come from no where, as I was talking to her quite calmly.

I feel like I desperately need to speak to her. I've tried talking to my friend about this, but she just keeps saying "you'll be fine" and I feel like she doesn't really get it, and while I appreciate her listening to me, it isn't really helping. I genuinely feel like I NEED this woman. Why do I feel like this?
Logged

spacecadet
formerly Wisedup22
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 136



« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2017, 06:12:32 AM »

Hi Clvrnn   I'm sorry you're going through this, it seems very natural though given the situation. How can you believe it's over for good when her mood has changed so many times in the past? It may not be over for you, nevertheless, do you want to stay in the same space with her when she's raging at you -- unfairly? That would just damage you (further).

These ideas are going to sound a little obvious but... .

Are you in counseling? Your emotions are strong enough, your unexpressed grief is lurking around the corner... .even if this isn't the end there's grief of losing who you thought she was and realizing who she really is, which happens with every r/s in the first few months and years. (And sometimes YEARS ) It seems like you have too much to keep bottled up, and you may not want to share all of these interactions or deeper roiling emotions with friends. There can be judgment which is not especially helpful.

Beyond that, things that help me through are finding other things to focus on, namely doing work I love. Staying away from the internet more, it can really foster this incorrect perception that we are intimate with others when we're not.

A big one for me is playing music. For instance this a.m. I was feeling a little anxious so I'm listening to John Klemmer. Smiling (click to insert in post) Old stuff. If my energy's low I'll put on some up tempo R&B like EW&F. I also like baths and showers to regain feeling of being at peace & energized and playing with my dog.

It may be easier for some with a busy routine, like kids at home, a very structured job etc. I have to find my own ways of keeping myself in the moment.

Self-soothing and renewing your energy and vibrancy in ways that work for you. It's a day-to-day and sometimes moment-to-moment thing.

In the past whenever I've been in a lot of pain also if I'm around people and don't really want to be, I focus fully on the person I'm talking with, look at their eyes and crack jokes with them. Humor helps.

Hope you feel better soon, you'll go through ups and downs which is pretty much life itself.
 


 

Logged
JaxDK
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 85


« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2017, 07:46:06 AM »

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I've been there many times. The only thing I can tell you is, to leave her alone If she tells you to. There's nothing you can say once she's in this state. No amount of reasoning or saying the right words will change it.

The more you push the more she pulls. If she's a true borderline then she most likely will reach out once her loneliness and emptiness kicks in. You can't control her or the outcome.

The NEED you feel is a complex one, coming from a complex relationship with a cluster b personality disorder and the many ups and downs. The dynamics in that relationship is no different than being addicted to a drug. What has helped me, is reading up all I can about BPD and NPD in my case, to better understand myself and her. Also reading about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
Logged

     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2017, 08:13:43 AM »

Hi clvrnn,

Welcome

Do you feel like if you really break-up with her that you're letting go of "the one" Are you worried or anxious about not meeting someone else and ending up alone?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2017, 10:00:10 AM »

Hi clvrnn,

Welcome

Do you feel like if you really break-up with her that you're letting go of "the one" Are you worried or anxious about not meeting someone else and ending up alone?

Yes. I feel an intense connection to her, a belief that she is 'The One' despite all of the problems (even thought my rational mind knows that this can't be the case). Extreme sexual compatibility, feeling that I opened up to her so much emotionally that she MUST feel something for me - and above all that this just isn't final, and if I remain in her life she will come back to me (which I know is part of the cycle, but I still crave it)

I am worried about ending up alone, yes. I am 33 years old and I am starting to feel pressured to be with someone (not by anyone, but by my own standards/wants) - it's getting harder to meet people, etc.
Logged

Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2017, 11:14:08 AM »

I can relate with you're situation, deep down you know what to do, you're facing conflict with your emotional and rational mind. I think that you know what to do deep down but you're stuck on this emotional rollercoaster.

I agree that meeting someone when you're older has it's own challenges. You have a right to be happy in this life, we're compatible with many people.

Where do you think that you're current r/s is going to go in the long term?

I'll ask you this, is it better to be in a r/s and be miserable or not be in a r/s and be happy? Does being alone scare you?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2017, 08:49:13 AM »

Where do you think that you're current r/s is going to go in the long term?

I'll ask you this, is it better to be in a r/s and be miserable or not be in a r/s and be happy? Does being alone scare you?

I don't know. I believe that the current relationship, if it were to continue, would carry on along on the same pattern. While every so often she seems remorseful and is happy to sit down and talk about our issues, they just return. If we were to move in together, our finances become integrated, children being born - while these are all things I want with someone I think that with her it would all become a nightmare.

Being alone scares me, yes. I lost my mother, a pivotal figure in my life, many years ago. It was a very sudden death and since that I have been aimlessly wandering and stumbling through life. I am not close to any other members of my family (I've tried to be, but they are dysfunctional and strange, and I have no desire to try any more) - so, I am essentially on my own. I do want someone to be with, to start my OWN family with someone. So this loss has a lot more going on than just a break up, I suppose.

(I'm not really asking anyone to advise me on what I've just said, btw. I'm just venting, I suppose)

I still feel like contacting her, but I don't know what her reaction would be. I don't know if she's with someone else. I don't know how she feels. I wish that she didn't exhibit such strong BPD symptoms as maybe then it would be easier to approach her? I don't know. Maybe it's me that's messed up.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2017, 08:51:43 AM »



The more you push the more she pulls. If she's a true borderline then she most likely will reach out once her loneliness and emptiness kicks in. You can't control her or the outcome.

The NEED you feel is a complex one, coming from a complex relationship with a cluster b personality disorder and the many ups and downs. The dynamics in that relationship is no different than being addicted to a drug. What has helped me, is reading up all I can about BPD and NPD in my case, to better understand myself and her. Also reading about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

Hi there 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, that's usually what happens. She gets annoyed very easily and quickly when I have tried to contact her, leaving me quite confused as to what it is she's angry about. It's difficult, because I'd just like to talk without it getting like that but obviously that isn't possible.

So that's helped you, reading about those things? How has it helped you?
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2017, 08:55:20 AM »

Are you in counseling?

Beyond that, things that help me through are finding other things to focus on, namely doing work I love. Staying away from the internet more, it can really foster this incorrect perception that we are intimate with others when we're not.

A big one for me is playing music. For instance this a.m. I was feeling a little anxious so I'm listening to John Klemmer. Smiling (click to insert in post) Old stuff. If my energy's low I'll put on some up tempo R&B like EW&F. I also like baths and showers to regain feeling of being at peace & energized and playing with my dog.

It may be easier for some with a busy routine, like kids at home, a very structured job etc. I have to find my own ways of keeping myself in the moment.

Hi, thank you for your reply.

Yes, I am in counselling - however my counsellor has gone away for a few weeks which is very difficult as this is all happening while she's away. No-one's fault, but quite frustrating. I am also due to see a domestic abuse 'advocate' in a few days, I wonder if that will help.

Your suggestions sound great. Music, I find, can be a great soother and healer. Oh, and love EW&F! You have great taste  Being cool (click to insert in post)

I agree with that - when you don't have a job or a slightly less structured life it can be difficult to organise yourself and keep to routines, can't it? But we try.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2017, 09:12:29 AM »

So today I still feel like contacting her.

I am afraid to, though. I am afraid of her reacting angrily. I am afraid of finding out anything about her dating life, or whether she's involved with someone else.

The urge to do so isn't dying down.

If I contact her, will she think I'm crazy? Weird? Will she hate me?

The last time I calmly tried to speak to her, one of the things she said was, "It ended nicely, but that wasn't good enough for you, was it? You had to ruin it, didn't you?"


It didn't end nicely, first of all. Having someone suddenly break up with you and discard you completely isn't nice. Secondly, I didn't ruin anything. As I've experienced many break up make up cycles, how can I NOT believe that it will just carry on that way? Every time she has broken up with me she has reconciled with me. I didn't approach her in a rude, hostile, aggressive, horrible way. I said something like "I miss you" and she just exploded with anger at me.

I'm sick of being made to feel that I'm crazy. I may have a few emotional difficulties regarding relationships, but I'm sick of her making me out to be some insane person who doesn't know what they're doing, and who is making her life a nightmare (she said that, too).

What about MY life, and the way she's making ME feel? I highly doubt that right now she's even thinking about me. This hasn't affected her life in any way.

This whole situation is horrible. And at the end of all of that, I STILL want to speak to her. What on Earth is that about?
Logged

Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2017, 10:01:26 AM »

Hi clvrnn,

It's great to meet you.  I've read your thread with interest and no surprise it sounds like you are going through what so many of us (if not all of us) have at some stage - or many times over.  Sorry that you're feeling as you are.

Excerpt
I'm sick of being made to feel that I'm crazy. I may have a few emotional difficulties regarding relationships, but I'm sick of her making me out to be some insane person who doesn't know what they're doing, and who is making her life a nightmare (she said that, too).

What about MY life, and the way she's making ME feel? I highly doubt that right now she's even thinking about me. This hasn't affected her life in any way.

This whole situation is horrible. And at the end of all of that, I STILL want to speak to her. What on Earth is that about?


I'll respond directly and hope that's OK.  What it's about is self worth and codependency by the sounds of it.  I say that because I have the same issues.  It's common amongst those of us who engage in a BPD r/s and sucks!  Along with this is the addictive quality of these relationships.  It's like coming off heroine.  :)espite knowing it's bad for us, we go back for that next hit.  You mention seeing a domestic abuse advocate.  I'm pleased to hear this.  I found (and still do) my support worker to be so extremely helpful and the support service have been extremely valuable in my detaching process.  I'd encourage you to take all the help you can get.  Was there physical abuse as well as emotional?

There's an article here that I'd like to share with you.  It made a huge difference to me at the point I was at that your situation now reminds me of.  That desperation to rekindle and the what if's despite knowing that the future was not looking that rosy to say the least... . It contains the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck and it may give you a little perspective.  It was with pride that I noticed my list of beliefs grew shorter over the course of time when I gave myself space and distance from the r/s.  I hope this helps you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Keep reading and posting.  You're in good company with the members here.  The people on this board were a lifeline for me when I needed it most, so vent all you need to.  We're listening.

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
planet

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2017, 10:11:30 AM »

I am struggling with the block on block off within connections via the ample media connections in todays communication highway. I think i have arrived at the point of quitting. The most difficult thing to deal with is the lack of closure to a very close relationship. POOF done. move on. I struggle with thinking that our relationship was nothing beyond anything other for her. I am stuck with needing to hear validation that I was "the one".  It feels silly to need that. And very unlike me.  For me, the relationship was real. real love. real feelings. I know now that for someone with BPD its a wave. our relationship was out of any text book. without this closure i am having a hard time letting go of the hope.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2017, 10:17:12 AM »

I am not close to any other members of my family (I've tried to be, but they are dysfunctional and strange, and I have no desire to try any more) - so, I am essentially on my own. I do want someone to be with, to start my OWN family with someone. So this loss has a lot more going on than just a break up, I suppose.


I am not close to any other members of my family (I've tried to be, but they are dysfunctional and strange, and I have no desire to try any more) - so, I am essentially on my own. I do want someone to be with, to start my OWN family with someone. So this loss has a lot more going on than just a break up, I suppose.

I just wanted to touch on this if you don't mind, I completely understand, your situation is similar to mind,


I just wanted to touch on this if you don't mind. I can relate with your situation, my family often, well invalidate me 99.9% of the time, they're very dysfunctional, I'm not a professional but my dad displays traits of an anxiety disorder and narcissim, my sister is the golden child in the family and there's my brother, both are avoidant, it's not a close family, there's a lot of push behavior and blame shifting.

It took a lot of self work and self care to become more aware, I was always self aware but I look past of all of that and look at their behaviors, they display that they care but I can only spend so much time around my dad, I set a lot of boundaries especially with him and it's helped me by protecting myself, he caused me a lot of pain. I also lost my mother to cancer when I was young.

I completely understand the need to start your own family, your own constellation, you may feel like it gives you purpose, I think that was important now is to be able to turn to people that support you, you can create a new family, current friends that are non judgemental and non biased, or new friends, for example I have friends that I would describe as family, I trust them, I know that they won't invalidate me and I can turn to them for support and vice versa. Anyways food for thought  Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2017, 11:06:44 AM »

I am struggling with the block on block off within connections via the ample media connections in todays communication highway. I think i have arrived at the point of quitting. The most difficult thing to deal with is the lack of closure to a very close relationship. POOF done. move on. I struggle with thinking that our relationship was nothing beyond anything other for her. I am stuck with needing to hear validation that I was "the one".  It feels silly to need that. And very unlike me.  For me, the relationship was real. real love. real feelings. I know now that for someone with BPD its a wave. our relationship was out of any text book. without this closure i am having a hard time letting go of the hope.

Forgive me; what is this post referring to?
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2017, 11:17:23 AM »

I just wanted to touch on this if you don't mind. I can relate with your situation, my family often, well invalidate me 99.9% of the time, they're very dysfunctional, I'm not a professional but my dad displays traits of an anxiety disorder and narcissism, my sister is the golden child in the family and there's my brother, both are avoidant, it's not a close family, there's a lot of push behavior and blame shifting.


I completely understand the need to start your own family, your own constellation, you may feel like it gives you purpose, I think that was important now is to be able to turn to people that support you, you can create a new family, current friends that are non judgemental and non biased, or new friends, for example I have friends that I would describe as family, I trust them, I know that they won't invalidate me and I can turn to them for support and vice versa. Anyways food for thought  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Hey Mutt,

I'm sorry to hear that you're a part of such a dysfunctional family. It is horrible when the very people that are supposed to care for you unconditionally are the people that exhibit some of the worst behaviour towards you.

Your story sounds painfully similar. There's also a 'Golden Child' (my uncle, who is one year younger than me but has done nothing remarkable to attain this position) in my family, and a controlling matriarch (my grandmother) who is physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive. The rest of my relatives are my uncles and aunts, her children.

Could you describe the invalidation? If it's too personal or too triggering then I understand. I believe they do this to me, too. Especially at Christmas. The entire day is watching them exchange expensive gifts and love - my 'gift' is always a bag filled with odds and ends from around my grandmother's house. I always leave feeling full of pain and anger. I've decided not to attend that for the first time, this year.

Yes. You're right. Making your own family, in a sense. It sounds like you are in a good position with some good people around you. You also sound like you've done a lot of work on yourself, which is very inspiring. It takes work to even start to work on yourself.
Logged

planet

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2017, 11:22:18 AM »

its about the lack of closure. i am struggling with that as well coming out of an intense relationship which ended abruptly. lingering, hanging on is what i feel like i am doing now. the lack of closure creates this small window of hope, when in reality i know there isnt any. it wont change.  tell my heart that
Logged
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2017, 11:25:00 AM »

its about the lack of closure. i am struggling with that as well coming out of an intense relationship which ended abruptly. lingering, hanging on is what i feel like i am doing now. the lack of closure creates this small window of hope, when in reality i know there isnt any. it wont change.  tell my heart that

I see. How long have you been away from the relationship, and how long were you together? The lack of closure does do that, doesn't it?

I agree with you about the blocking thing, too. It's all so easy to block someone, now. Especially these BPD people - that seems to be a favourite function of theirs. I am still blocked by an ex BPD from years ago - I had an account that I made well after I knew her, and I didn't contact her from it. She still blocked me (I had an app that showed you who had you blocked) - strange.

Do you have any coping strategies that help you when you're feeling particularly low?
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2017, 11:44:15 AM »

Hi clvrnn,

It's great to meet you.  I've read your thread with interest and no surprise it sounds like you are going through what so many of us (if not all of us) have at some stage - or many times over.  Sorry that you're feeling as you are.
 

I'll respond directly and hope that's OK.  What it's about is self worth and codependency by the sounds of it.  I say that because I have the same issues.  It's common amongst those of us who engage in a BPD r/s and sucks!  Along with this is the addictive quality of these relationships.  It's like coming off heroine.  :)espite knowing it's bad for us, we go back for that next hit.  You mention seeing a domestic abuse advocate.  I'm pleased to hear this.  I found (and still do) my support worker to be so extremely helpful and the support service have been extremely valuable in my detaching process.  I'd encourage you to take all the help you can get.  Was there physical abuse as well as emotional?

There's an article here that I'd like to share with you.  It made a huge difference to me at the point I was at that your situation now reminds me of.  That desperation to rekindle and the what if's despite knowing that the future was not looking that rosy to say the least... . It contains the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck and it may give you a little perspective.  It was with pride that I noticed my list of beliefs grew shorter over the course of time when I gave myself space and distance from the r/s.  I hope this helps you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Keep reading and posting.  You're in good company with the members here.  The people on this board were a lifeline for me when I needed it most, so vent all you need to.  We're listening.

Love and light x

Hi Harley,

Thank you for replying with such care and detail, I really appreciate it.

Self-worth and codependency; yes. All of that. Then because of these issues, you attract the same types of people? The same people that see someone they can latch on to and do all these things to, because they know that you're unlikely to leave the relationship and that you'll keep returning.

No, there wasn't physical abuse but she would often say things like "I'm going to have to leave - you're making me so angry that I need to leave before I do something I regret" - I believe the potential was there for her to have been physically abusive. I always felt like she was really holding back and I sometimes did feel uncomfortable during arguments with her. She'd act intimidating if she was annoyed - she'd change her physical mannerisms by stamping around and slamming doors, throwing things down, being very 'heavy' - this would happen when I'd said something or attempted to do something she may not have been happy with. I can remember in the very early days her doing this while I was at her house and I just ended up pretending to use the bathroom because I felt very unsettled with it all.

I always said that my previous partner (also BPD) would have a real problem getting a REAL relationship with a confident, self-assured person. Instead, she trawls dating apps, searching out her next victim. She's currently with a guy who, and she told me this, is very 'simple' and 'nice' and 'puts her first in everything' - to me, that just sounds like she's found her ideal victim. So yes, low self-worth and codependency play a big part, I guess.

It's really nice to hear that you managed to achieve progress with your situation and you felt yourself moving further away from the situation, emotionally and mentally - you must be really proud of yourself Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you for that link, that article is on the nose - very very helpful, as is your reply.

Logged

planet

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2017, 01:23:27 PM »

I see. How long have you been away from the relationship, and how long were you together? The lack of closure does do that, doesn't it?

I agree with you about the blocking thing, too. It's all so easy to block someone, now. Especially these BPD people - that seems to be a favourite function of theirs. I am still blocked by an ex BPD from years ago - I had an account that I made well after I knew her, and I didn't contact her from it. She still blocked me (I had an app that showed you who had you blocked) - strange.

Do you have any coping strategies that help you when you're feeling particularly low?
Logged
planet

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2017, 01:33:29 PM »

how long apart is difficult to say with the online tools these days. face to face?  8 months. but things were not going well before that.  the social media connection is driving me crazy.  I am trying to follow positive strategies the best i can. I know staying away and keeping a distance is the right thing to do. It helps for me to say it in some form like this. so thank you.
Logged
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #20 on: August 19, 2017, 02:53:22 PM »

Lol. This thing is maddening.

I've now become convinced that I have to message her NOW - reason? Because if I don't do it now, she'll get with someone else and start that whole thing of saying how happy they are with the new person and that they wouldn't want to return to the bad relationship with you (even though it's them that cause it!) This is ridiculous.
Logged

Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2017, 03:17:09 PM »

Would you agree that the relationship was 'bad'?

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2017, 03:34:07 PM »

Would you agree that the relationship was 'bad'?

Love and light x

Hey.

What I truly think was yes, the relationship was bad. But I feel this was because she couldn't maintain the 'good' times for very long. Her mood would always be changed by something minor, or she'd stay at my house for a few days, go home, and then it would be like she was totally uninterested and would always insist that nothing was wrong. Then tension building, then her coldness/her breaking up with me.

I was happy to have none of that, and I'd always be so frustrated that this kept happening, as I just wanted a complete, 'nice' relationship with her, and I spent so much time wondering how to fix it or to stop that happening. Nothing worked. So yes, I do think it was bad, but I don't think it was me making it that way.

Yes, I have the low self-worth and the codependency and maybe that caused problems for her, I don't know. She never said. But other than that I don't think I caused any real issues within the relationship. So to potentially hear that she's happier with someone else would hurt, because I really tried my best and it wasn't good enough.
Logged

Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2845


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #23 on: August 19, 2017, 03:59:21 PM »

You tried your best and it was good enough, because that is as good as it gets in a BPD r/s.  When a partner is trying their best.  At worst, the partner gives as good as they get and all hell breaks loose.  Nobody could expect more from you than your best, clvrnn. 

The issue here is that her behaviour is not going to alter.  Not without a great deal of acceptance on her part and commitment to long term therapy.  Recovery can take years and many do not start the journey let alone finish it.  So the cycle that you've identified could only continue.  Did you notice any pattern in the recycles, such as them getting shorter or more volatile behaviour surfacing as they went on?

Excerpt
So to potentially hear that she's happier with someone else would hurt

At the beginning of the relationship is the idealisation stage.  This is when the new partner is put up on a pedestal and is 'perfect'.  It doesn't often take long before that person is discovered to be human and flawed, which is when the devaluation begins and soon enough the discard happens.  Even if we hear our exes are happier, they are only in the initial idealisation stage, or else are putting on a facade of happiness for the benefit of the rest of the world, especially us, to create a reaction.  The ONLY way to combat being hurt by this is to not make it our business to know these details, and to be aware of what is really going on. 

Another great article that was a total lifesaver for me in the early stages of my break up was the one about how a BPD r/s evolves.  Things finally made sense for me and I realised what had been going on.  Here's the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

You may find this helps to understand a little more about her thought processes and feelings.  We pretty much become a trigger to our partner.  Ultimately the majority of the behaviours we experience are driven by the intense fears of abandonment and engulfment.  Whatever we do we cannot control the feelings that our partners are having.  Only they can address these and their own reactions to them.  Maladaptive coping (rages, push/pull, lies, cheating, self harm etc.) is usually the way without some external professional help to come up with healthier ways of dealing with these intense emotions.

One of the things I did when I was feeling the urge to reach out was to write.  You could write down the reasons why you think it's a good idea and the reasons why you think it's a bad idea to contact her.  Or write out all the pros and cons of being in a r/s with this woman.  Write down the ways you have been impacted.  Put in a post here what you would want to say to her and let others give you input on this.  So you're getting the words out and the feelings out.  Then see what advice you receive.  Just a suggestion.

Love and light x   

 
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Lost-love-mind
a.k.a. beezleconduit
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 207


WWW
« Reply #24 on: August 20, 2017, 03:33:50 AM »

Your situation is identical to mine. I'm 2 months out of my r/s and I just had to stop trying to contact her because the responses are so incongruent with the way she looked at me with those blue eyes when we started dating and told me that I was everything she wanted in a man. This past week in an e-mail she called me a loser that keeps contacting her because I have no life.
You received great advice from the others. I'm going to implement some of it in my life.
If you are on your 30s you have so many years left for so many options.
I'm 57 and the days of dating and finding the "one" are not completely lost.
We can't give up.
Logged

I'm a pwBPD traits, diagnosed.
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2017, 11:43:15 AM »

This past week in an e-mail she called me a loser that keeps contacting her because I have no life. You received great advice from the others. I'm going to implement some of it in my life. If you are on your 30s you have so many years left for so many options.

I'm 57 and the days of dating and finding the "one" are not completely lost.
We can't give up.


Sounds very similar to something mine said to me, "You're harassing me, you need to move on and stop making my life a nightmare". The thing these people come out with are horrible. I'm sorry to hear that you're also going through this. You're welcome to PM me anytime to talk, if you need to.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #26 on: August 20, 2017, 11:50:18 AM »

The issue here is that her behaviour is not going to alter. 

Did you notice any pattern in the recycles, such as them getting shorter or more volatile behaviour surfacing as they went on?

Even if we hear our exes are happier, they are only in the initial idealisation stage, or else are putting on a facade of happiness for the benefit of the rest of the world, especially us, to create a reaction.  The ONLY way to combat being hurt by this is to not make it our business to know these details, and to be aware of what is really going on. 

One of the things I did when I was feeling the urge to reach out was to write.  You could write down the reasons why you think it's a good idea and the reasons why you think it's a bad idea to contact her.  Or write out all the pros and cons of being in a r/s with this woman.  Write down the ways you have been impacted.  Put in a post here what you would want to say to her and let others give you input on this.  So you're getting the words out and the feelings out.  Then see what advice you receive.  Just a suggestion.

Love and light x   

 

Some interesting points here, HQ. No, her behaviour won't change. The very fact that I'm afraid of contacting her because I don't know how she'll react just shows that her behaviour hasn't changed.

Yes, the recycling got shorter I think. Whenever she came over, I'd try to prolong the visits because I know as soon as she went home it would start all over again.

What's the thing called; triangulation? That's the main reason I'm afraid of contacting her. I know these people do things like tell you they're with someone and how 'happy' they are with this person, how you're not letting them move on, etc etc. I really don't want to go through that. Even though I realise it's all a facade it still affects me quite badly. So yes, it's best to stay away even though that isn't what I want to do.

I will try writing. I've tried writing things on my laptop but I don't know... I've done so much reading and writing about this that I feel like I've become desensitised to it, or something. Maybe it is helping but I'm just not aware of it. I don't know.
Logged

clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #27 on: August 20, 2017, 05:23:31 PM »

I'm really not proud to come in here and admit this, but I have messaged her (within the last ten minutes or so). I was on WhatsApp and saw that she was online, and it made me feel so, so anxious. I wrote out a list of reasons why I should and shouldn't, and I still ended up doing it.

Anyway, she hasn't replied but was still online, the last time I checked.


I knew I would feel terrible. I felt like I couldn't stop myself, though. And now my mind is going into overdrive with reasons why she didn't respond - does she hate me? Is she with someone else? Is she now full of rage towards me?

I really feel like I've let myself down, and I also don't feel like I'm going to ever get out of this. NC only seems to be at it's strongest for 7 or so days and then the urge just becomes overwhelming. Now what am I meant to do; I probably look like such a fool.

All this talk about BPD charming, etc. She didn't even reply. I found myself wishing that she WOULD charm, earlier. At least then she'd still be thinking about me. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.
Logged

JaxDK
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 85


« Reply #28 on: August 21, 2017, 03:24:32 AM »

I'm really not proud to come in here and admit this, but I have messaged her (within the last ten minutes or so). I was on WhatsApp and saw that she was online, and it made me feel so, so anxious. I wrote out a list of reasons why I should and shouldn't, and I still ended up doing it.

Anyway, she hasn't replied but was still online, the last time I checked.


I knew I would feel terrible. I felt like I couldn't stop myself, though. And now my mind is going into overdrive with reasons why she didn't respond - does she hate me? Is she with someone else? Is she now full of rage towards me?

I really feel like I've let myself down, and I also don't feel like I'm going to ever get out of this. NC only seems to be at it's strongest for 7 or so days and then the urge just becomes overwhelming. Now what am I meant to do; I probably look like such a fool.

All this talk about BPD charming, etc. She didn't even reply. I found myself wishing that she WOULD charm, earlier. At least then she'd still be thinking about me. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.

I know how you feel. This is an awful disorder. It makes them special in ways, you just don't see in many partners. It just comes with a terrible price.

Just remember no matter how many times you break NC. It's never too late to start NC and sticking with it. You might consider a sponsor friend. Somebody you can call when you get overwhelmed that can talk you out of it. Even better if you can go see that person and hang out. I have one but not for NC. When I get overwhelmed with the feeling of regrets I call him to remind me why I shouldn't be with that person. It does help.

I envy you in a way. I can't go NC because we have a kid. I wish I could. Every time I see her, I analyze and ruminate. It's a small setback every time.
Logged

     Everything is transient. Nothing stays the same.
clvrnn
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2017, 03:41:20 PM »

I know how you feel. This is an awful disorder. It makes them special in ways, you just don't see in many partners. It just comes with a terrible price.

Just remember no matter how many times you break NC. It's never too late to start NC and sticking with it. You might consider a sponsor friend. Somebody you can call when you get overwhelmed that can talk you out of it. Even better if you can go see that person and hang out. I have one but not for NC. When I get overwhelmed with the feeling of regrets I call him to remind me why I shouldn't be with that person. It does help.

I envy you in a way. I can't go NC because we have a kid. I wish I could. Every time I see her, I analyze and ruminate. It's a small setback every time.

Wow, that must be horrible. Having to see her and being setback a little each time. I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through that - do you have a thread on here that I could have a look at?

I kind of do have a couple of people that will talk me out of it, but I was in a bit of an overwhelming panic, and well, by the time they had replied, it was too late. But that is a very good idea and it works most of the time, I guess.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 ... 4  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!