POLL Belief 5: Belief that Things Would Return to the Way They Used to Be

[Lucky Jim]

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with BPD

This article has helped many start the healing process and accept our partners dysfunction more than any other article on the site. I often read on the Crises board, how do we move past this?. Well, let's all take a look at the false thinking that holds us back and share our own thoughts and experiences in this regard.
 

Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be" "BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return to the idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking. Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship. As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time. The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time."

At the outset, our relationship seemed like a perfect fit, so much so that family members referred to us as “soul mates.”  As a result, I had a hard time letting go of the dream that things would return to “the way they were.”  My hopes would rise during temporary reprieves from the rage and abuse, when it seemed like we were getting back on track.  This illusion would persist until the next emotional firestorm, at which point the cycle would start all over again.  I was surfing an emotional wave that repeatedly crashed on my head, yet I continued to harbor fantasies that our marriage would return to normal.  I assumed that our problems could be sorted out by the therapists who counseled us individually and as a couple.  Neither of us had been unfaithful and my wife reassured me that she believed in me, so it seemed as if our marriage was “fixable,” yet any lasting solution remained elusive.

Did you believe things would go back to "how they used to be?"

More information:

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (full article)
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[Mutt]

This article makes me think about my daughter, she was 7 at the time we were split for almost three months. The schools have a family bbq when the school year wind down and our family went every year. They had a lot of fun activities with the kids and it was chance to come together as a community. My ex invited me to go that year if I behaved around her new boyfriend. I declined and didn’t want to go and she was still adamant about it. My daughter was explaining to me that they have a bbq at the school and mom was going to be there, she was trying to play match maker. I broke her heart, I wasn’t in the best frame of mind and just said “we’re not a family anymore”

In her mind her real family will always be with my exuBPDw and myself, kids will do that, its magical thinking, I thought the same thing with my marriage, things will eventually sort themselves out and we’ll turn a corner and things will return to the way they were. Boy was I wrong and looking at where I am today compared to who I was back then, I’m aware now because of having through that experience, I had self awareness then, not awareness of my surroundings and understanding the little intricacies. I certainly understand more about r/s’s today, they are reciprocal, they have boundaries, they’re about respecting other people’s perspectives, being supportive without having to give advice, just validate the feelings and listen, just be there and present.

I still learn and that’s life, you constantly learn, I knew none of those things back then, I didn’t have healthy r/s skills. I just magically thought things are going to eventually change. Change doesn’t happen without change. You have to do something, dig deep, hustle, work hard on yourself, be humble and don’t refuse help from others.

[once removed]

this belief didnt apply to me very strongly in my relationship. i voted "not really".

i didnt experience our relationship in phases or stages like idealization and devaluation. our problems were more consistent and there from the beginning... .idealization and devaluation were certainly a part of our relationship but it wasnt totally either/or. our first three months were endless fighting, so no, i didnt have much use for things going back to the way they used to be 

that said, i was constantly on edge anticipating the next fight, and we might go a week, maybe two weeks without one, and then things would erupt, and id be trying to stretch our periods of calm, so the belief is not totally foreign to me, and while it didnt apply too much with my ex, it has been my experience in relationships before her.

[Insom]

My thoughts about this changed over time.  In the middle of our time together when things felt rocky I'd say, yes, I did very much want to get back to the beginning.  But toward the end, after having that "aha" moment (when you realize that you and your partner with BPD are experiencing the relationship differently), I knew I was chasing a mirage. 

[Lucky Jim]

Same for me, Insom.  In the middle years of our marriage, I operated under the premise that we could get back to the happier days that characterized the outset of our relationship.  Towards the end, like you, I came to the realization that we were never going to get back to the way things were, which was a depressing reality to contemplate.  I was miserable and couldn't picture staying in the r/s indefinitely.

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

I voted Yes definitely, because I did, until I didn't at all.

Being idealised was amazing.  It came just when I needed it most, and WAS what I needed most.  To believe that someone could once again SEE me, be INTERESTED in what I had to say, to CARE about my thoughts and the things I was passionate about, RECOGNISE who I am inside.  After being so downtrodden and disregarded for years in my previous r/s which had ended 18 months earlier, meeting this man and having the love bombing lavished upon me breathed life back into my tired and damaged soul.  He filled the void in me that had been left behind by others, was vulnerable with me and listened to what I had to say when I offered support.  I was hooked.  It of course didn't last.  The intermittent reinforcement from him was enough however for me to hold on and keep putting everything I had into the r/s as I believed that he was the man he had shown me, the man I glimpsed between rages.  :)istance grew between us and the devaluation increased.  

Logic was there on my part.  I did recognise that things were failing.  My heart wouldn't allow me to give up on this man whom I believed was a genuine kind man with a good heart who was simply suffering inside.  The love I felt for him was real and what I felt in return from him was real too.  I knew that his lashing out in anger was stemming from the pain he felt and I forgave him for this.  It wasn't necessarily the love bombing I was trying to replicate.  It was the stage after this before the devaluation began.  When guards were down and we were real with each other.  For a short time we were something that was worth fighting for.  However that time had passed and things were not looking good for us.  We were both seeking more than we were ending up with, and neither able to provide it to the other any longer.  It didn't stop us from hanging on in the hope that we could find that place again... .

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

For a short time we were something that was worth fighting for.  However that time had passed and things were not looking good for us.  We were both seeking more than we were ending up with, and neither able to provide it to the other any longer.  It didn't stop us from hanging on in the hope that we could find that place again... .

Exactly, Harley Quinn.  Same for me.  Of course I hung on too long, but don't we all?

LJ

[Edin]

It was the stage after this before the devaluation began.  When guards were down and we were real with each other.

I feel the same way. I enjoyed the initial stage very much, it had been a long time since I felt someone was truly in love with me, not someone who just wanted to date a bit and and play the field, but someone who wanted to commit himself and wanted this to be a relationship. It gave me a safe place to actually enjoy being in love myself, but I was always aware this would be just a stage, and we still had to get to know each other better.

The first problems stemmed from his fear for abandonment, jealousy, need for confirmation, but I could empathize with what he was going through, so I just tried to meet his needs in those. Later on we started to have discussions, which I felt he usually wanted to win. And I could still sympathize, because I knew this stemmed from his insecurity and his low-self esteem. When his threatening behavior became worse, and his anger fits, it became more complicated but I could forgive him. I think because we talked about his fears, insecurities, low-self esteem, even though not always in relation our problems. But it did gave me the understanding that his behavior was just a manifestation of his pain and suffering.

In the way we were able to be 'real' with each other, like Harley Quinn said, I think I saw our chances. When the devaluation was running its course, it was this kind of openness and connection I wanted to return to.

[vanx]

For the most part.
Or I hoped and prayed they would. I never FELT that I was idealized, just seen, heard, understood. I felt so lucky I found her and she liked me too. When things went south I thought it was just some misunderstanding and that she was just hurting and scared, but her distance freaked me out. I would have given anything to feel close again. It's still a dull pain and I still don't understand what was real and what was not. I've let her go forever, but the loss of a connection still lingers, and all the questions about what it means to be close to someone, if I'm capable of the closeness I desire, or whether I brought on this illusion.
At any rate, separating her words and actions has done a lot to help me see we will never return to that place that once seemed so special.

[MeandThee29]

I did, but now I don't.

For a time I thought that if I was a "good wife," we would make it, even after his suicide attempt and then him quitting all counselling and medication. Somehow I thought I had a role in turning it around.

Now I know that was completely wrong. Without both partners relating in healthy ways most of the time, the marriage is going to start skidding and swerving. I made my share of mistakes of course too, some in response to his unhealthy ways of relating to me.

We're separated, and I'm in counselling. Every day I feel more whole. I remain open to working on our problems, but there are conditions, one of which is that he get individual counselling. He hasn't yet, and I can accept that. It may never happen, and then we will remain separated or divorce.