POLL Belief 6: Did you cling to their loving words?

[Harley Quinn]

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with BPD

This article has helped many start the healing process and accept our partners dysfunction more than any other article on the site. I often read on the Crises board, how do we move past this?. Well, let's all take a look at the false thinking that holds us back and share our own thoughts and experiences in this regard.
 

Clinging to the words that were said "We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

This definitely applies to me.  My ex seemed to have such a gift with words.  Prior to meeting him I'd never really been able to say I'd been 'blown over' by amorous statements from a man.  This all changed when he began to text me at the outset.  I couldn't delete a single one.  The things he said to me were so raw and heartfelt.  He seemed to be expressing himself from deep within his very soul. He was guaranteed to touch me with his words and bring a smile to my face even before I began to read.  

His words meant so much to me.  It was like he saw me for who I am inside and just loved me so purely and completely that how could I ever give up on him?  At one point he wrote out 4 pages of all the reasons that he loves me, all the things he notices about me that add to that, and gave me this to read at times when he would dysregulate.  He begged that I take those words to heart and not the ones he would say when he was lashing out in pain and anger. I was sold.  

How about you?

More information:

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (full article)
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[Edin]

Unfortunately, my ex never took his words back after lashing out. It was a pattern, he could say sorry for external things that affected him but saying sorry for anything he had any responsibility for was a no-go. So there were no words in that sense, that would help me through the bad stuff.

I think I just hung on to the words that were expressed in the first months, and intermittently between the bad times. He was very expressive about his love, he would say he wanted to grow old together, build a relationship like his parents had who had been together since their adolescence. He would tell me he had never been in love with anyone as much as he was with me. He would very often send me kisses and hearts and all kind of emoticons expressing his love. It seems so childish in retrospect, but it wasn't fake I could feel that.

Until the very end of the relationship, he would often tell me how afraid he was to loose me. As the relationship progressed I started to realize the reason he was still in it, and he was still saying that, was only caused by fear. I only knew back then he had a severe anxiety disorder, so that made sense. What didn't make sense that I was still hanging on to those words that were so obviously said about out of fear and not out love, still struggling with that.

[vortex of confusion]

The short answer is absolutely!

He had a way of telling me what I wanted to hear. His actions rarely aligned with his words though. He would tell me how much he loved me and would tell me how sexy I was yet still seemed to be unable to check in. Even though he has been out of the house for over a year and a half, he still gives me compliments and says nice things to me. That doesn't change the fact that he has not made any kind of significant changes and has not really done anything any different. I tell him straight up to save those compliments for his girlfriend or whoever it is that he is seeing. He was sitting on the couch cuddling with me one night while texting and chatting up some chick he met online. At the time, I actually bought the line of crap he tried to feed me. There were so many instances of him feeding me crap and me eating it up like a starving little bird. 

It wasn't until the very end that he started saying horrible things to me on a consistent basis. Even then, the horrible stuff would be sandwhiched between really wonderful things. Or the horrible stuff would be wrapped up in statements like, "It wasn't my intention to hurt you." or "I was only trying to help." or some other feeble attempt at trying to tell me that he didn't mean it or that I had misunderstood him. All of those dismissive things worked wonderfully because I would believe his claims that he only had positive intent.

It was a huge source of confusion for me for a while. He would say something bad to me and I would say something about it only to be told that I misunderstood or misinterpreted things or that he was just trying to help me. I so badly wanted to believe that he didn't really mean the horrible stuff. I so badly wanted to cling on to the loving words and keep that as my reality. He would backpedal and I would cling to the loving words. Forget that he had just called me a b***h or that he had pushed me down or that he was online chasing other people. Now he is the one that is confused because I no longer cling to his words.

[Lucky Jim]

Unfortunately, my ex never took his words back after lashing out. . . .  saying sorry for anything he had any responsibility for was a no-go. So there were no words in that sense, that would help me through the bad stuff.

As Edin describes, my Ex was unable to apologize after lashing out and "sorry" was not in her vocabulary, so I checked "No, not at all" above.  Her abusive actions spoke much louder than any words to me.

LuckyJim

[vanx]

Very much so. Some of what she said still echoes in my mind, when she made things up to me, saying she'd do anything for the man she's with. When she was pushing me away she wondered why was she doing this when she'd met someone she could spend the rest of her life with.
I'm not fully recovered, but the passionate vows have not held up over time. They sound empty and come across as somewhat disturbing, though they made me excited at the time.
I hope I've learned to focus on actions more than words. I was worried I'd become more hardened or cynical, but I think I just need to become more realistic. I'll be glad if such professions of love no longer thrill me.

[Harley Quinn]

I hope I've learned to focus on actions more than words. I was worried I'd become more hardened or cynical, but I think I just need to become more realistic. I'll be glad if such professions of love no longer thrill me.

Perhaps it's OK and right to be thrilled if professions of love actually align with the actions of that person.  After my r/s was over I too began to focus on the actions more than the words.  I'd been told that I was the only woman he'd ever loved and that it would take him a very long time to get over me.  That he couldn't be with someone else until that happened.  I was replaced within a couple of weeks.  To me that was a final wake up call if ever there was one. 

Love and light x

[vanx]

That's a good point, HQ. I want to be careful not to overprotect myself. I like the way you word this--align with the action.

[Teddy1953]

You bet I clinged to EVERY spoken word; she could not express herself verbally face to face, unless she was drunk, but her texts were a thing of beauty! Her mastery of the English language was quite impressive; ( is that a B P D trait) I on the other hand text with one finger , and nine times out of ten my mind is what ahead of my finger! If there were text battles, she would ALWAYS emerge victorious , but the nice words , compliments, the constant barrage of ego boosting texts SLOWLY dissipated , then there was just idol chatter. The white knight phase was over , so abruptly, so final, and such a let down I was always trying to re capture it , but it was gone! It was like a drug, I needed that praise, I yearned for that adoration, I can't tell you how many times she told me she ADORED ME. That had NEVER. been told to me IN MY LIFE! Someone who adores me , this is too good to be true! No and it wasn't true, not in the least, I went from the top of the mountain, to the bottom of the ditch, and it hurts like hell

[Mutt]

  It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."

This really drives it home for me, I didn’t start tuning her out and look at her behaviours until after we were done. It hear the same things today depending on her mood, if I’m split white she makes promises for things that she wants from, I know that she’ll just end up blaming me for something that she feels terrible about and she’s take it back. I don’t listen, I don’t participate in the drama and I don’t feel responsible for her feelings. I hung on for years thinking that what I was doing was for the sake of how we both felt about each other.

She’s dependant, she can’t self sooth and she doesn’t understand how her actions hurts and affects others, she refuses to get help. Once that you set strict boundaries and renforce them you start to see how dysfunctional that person, how dysfunctional I was for staying in the r/s and hanging on to words, they’re just words.

[Harley Quinn]

her texts were a thing of beauty! Her mastery of the English language was quite impressive

This sounds exactly like what I found with my ex.  Amazingly he hadn't gone through high school and I was always blown away with his ability to express himself in writing so well.  It was a really alluring characteristic that I respected greatly.  I agree with how hard it is to lose that when the tide turns.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever”. Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers,

I went through something like this a few months moths ago and it made me think about my exuBPDw.

I was alarmed at the beginning of my r/s with my last gf because she said some really outrageous things like I want to have your baby, I’m going to leave my family for you I just want to explainthe last statement she can’t marry outside of her caste. The honeymoon phase was different for me this time because I knew that it’s something new for both partners but you have to be careful to not get carried away the red flags were there I wasn’t worried that she borderline but I thought that if she was till be okay from what I learned here at bpdfamily.

I told her what she said when we broke up and she didn’t acknowledge it she knew that she felt different several months later I was still hurt by it because she got bored with the r/s and she didn’t want to make effort she didn’t care as much. So it started off with this really high peak and it wasn’t sustainable and it crashed.

I thought why was I so attracted to the words that she said why do I have a hard time after the honeymoon of my r/s’s with my ex’s? Most of my ex’s have borderline traits this last one didn’t but regardless of age lost interest or not I found it hard to move past those words that were said at the beginning. It’s what that person feels at that moment during the honeymoon phase  and it’s a fun part of a new r/s but I had to realize that there’s a shift after the honeymoon is over a relationship may thrive or not thrive it’s okay if doesn’t thrive but why was I so attached to the words that my last two ex’s said?

I did a lot of work on my self esteem in the last couple of years I feel different I feel better that part of me that wants external validation is still there although I’m not blind to it,  I’m aware of it but I have a feeling there’s more to it if I dig deeper it could be that its insecurity and it’s narcissism although I did take a self test here and score relatively low with narcissism.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mutt, I'm sorry to hear that she said some things at the outset of your r/s and ended up doing another after the honeymoon phase came to an end.  I can see how that would be a huge let-down for you.  As the saying goes, "talk is cheap"!  How are you feeling about things in the aftermath of your r/s?

LJ