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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Do you regret the BPD relationship?  (Read 1814 times)
StressedinCleveland
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« Reply #60 on: February 21, 2007, 05:38:05 PM »

I have been waiting for her to get a job, on the advice of my lawyer. She has been playing games with pretending to look for work for the past year, but now finally after her unemployment ran out she has two part time jobs. So the end will be coming within a few weeks, after she gets her first paycheck. Yay!

Why wait until she has a job? Alimony payments are set based on income at the time of filing. I can try to "impugn" income to her, but it's iffy with her many "illnesses" and the high rate of unemployment in Cleveland, and it would be a big long expensive court battle. Also, kicking her to the curb with no income would be inhumane (or at least appear to be) and I would get socked for huge bills from the court to cover her expenses. It's not that I'm cheap, but rather that we are on the brink of bankruptcy with $98,000 in credit card debt she ran up. I managed to reduce our debt from $106,000 a year ago, on my income alone while paying huge interest rates, but things are very precarious.

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NHBeachBum
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« Reply #61 on: February 21, 2007, 08:26:38 PM »

There are so many people on this sight filled with anger and regret toward their bp --- And that is completely appropriate.  The damage from these relationships is overwhelming.  I have my own regrets about my own relationship. At this point, I'm still regretting how much $$ it cost me and how long it's taking me to recover from that.

However... .IMHO, the thing to examine here is WHY you got involved with that person.  Chances are that when you got involved with your bp, you weren't mentally healthy yourself.  I know we all feel we were duped by our bp, but if you TRULY examine the relationship, the signals were there.  The fact that we ignored the flags and signals says a lot about US.

I can't recall anyone on this sight saying, "well there I was minding my own business, being mentally healthy myself, when this bp came along a blew up my world."  It may feel that way, but it simply isn't true.

For me, it took this relationship for me to get it. I was making bad choices in partners, I was being drawn to people that weren't a good fit for me.  Most of us, if we are honest, would say that we have been with other people that were not right for us -- maybe they weren't mentally ill, but we were still drawn to some kind of dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship.  Unfortunately for me -- it took being involved with the cadillac of mental dysfunction to get my attention.  I needed to change ME.

For that knowledge, I feel no regret because as I continue to heal, I KNOW this is a lesson that will not need to be repeated.

For all the stupidity and drama that happened with my bp, of course I regret all of that, but if I hadn't endured all of that bs, I would probably STILL be picking people that are wrong for me because of my OWN issues.

When we stop blaming THEM (even though they may deserve blame) and look in the mirror is when we start to recover!

Turtle

Turtle,

You made a very interesting post. I think many on bpdfamily have regrets for what they went through because we never deserved the unfair, abusive treatment that we got. As for anger, personally - the ONLY one I am angry at is myself for my own stupid, impulsive decision to get into this relationship & stay for as long as I did.

Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person. I don't think anyone on bpdfamily (though I don't want to speak for an entire board!) would regret gaining valuable knowledge. I think the issue is at what cost did we have to pay and why they hell did we have to go through it in the first place in order to educate ourselves.

Of course I regret the absolute hell I went through last year because, like most others, I thought I found my "soul mate" & wanted to help her better herself in order for us to be together. I regret it mainly because life just shouldn't be this harsh & unfair. Why did she have to be ill? Why couldn't I have simply read a book to learn my lesson? I can't go back & change things in the past, but as I posted earlier, this would be the one thing that I would change. Since we're playing "Monday morning quarterback", I do regret my decision & the pain it has caused not just me, by my family. Since I can't go back in time, I have no choice but to learn from my mistake, accept life as it is, and move on & live the life that I want & be the person I want to be. I don't dwell on my mistakes but this whopper I really, truly regret.

I think another analogy would be if I were a gambling addict (3:1 odds says I'm really not  Smiling (click to insert in post)) & I lost everything in Vegas but learned that I have a problem with gambling. Valuable life lesson but I would have a lot of regrets. Mainly I would regret it that I couldn't have figured it out sooner & stopped my behavior before there was too much damage. I don't think that I would be having no regrets after that event because it taught me to not gamble & stay away from Vegas. The lesson was learned a little too late after too much damage. I can ACCEPT what has happened and deal with it... .but do I have no regrets about it? Sorry - I do.

-NHBB





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turtle
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« Reply #62 on: February 21, 2007, 08:55:34 PM »

I think another analogy would be if I were a gambling addict (3:1 odds says I'm really not  Smiling (click to insert in post)) & I lost everything in Vegas but learned that I have a problem with gambling. Valuable life lesson but I would have a lot of regrets. Mainly I would regret it that I couldn't have figured it out sooner & stopped my behavior before there was too much damage. I don't think that I would be having no regrets after that event because it taught me to not gamble & stay away from Vegas. The lesson was learned a little too late after too much damage. I can ACCEPT what has happened and deal with it... .but do I have no regrets about it? Sorry - I do.

-NHBB

Oh don't misunderstand NHBB -- I definitely have my regrets!

This is a GREAT analogy.  And... .sadly not that far from the truth.  I took a huge gamble on my xbf, and I nearly lost everything -- my health, my money, my business, my friends, my family, my sanity (I still wonder where that is sometimes :P.) It's been 5 years and I still haven't recovered financially and oftentimes wonder if I have the energy to keep at it. 

And like you I'm angry at myself for putting up with all of his bs and abuse for even one minute. And THAT was apparently the lesson I had to learn.  To value myself enough to NEVER again give away my personal power.  I had done this on a smaller scale over and over and over again in my romantic relationships.  However, THIS time, I gave my personal power to someone who was mentally ill and he tore me up.  The house definitely won and I never should've been gambling in the FIRST place!

I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will never have to learn this lesson again.  Thank God, because if I hadn't learned it THIS time, the next time would've killed me.

Turtle
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Bob58
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« Reply #63 on: February 21, 2007, 09:06:46 PM »

Excerpt
Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person.

I think if you were to look closely, you'd see that it's, actually, the exact opposite.

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Sybgow
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« Reply #64 on: February 21, 2007, 10:15:29 PM »



"Reading through this thread is pretty interesting. I think that most who have been in NC for a longer period of time have a lot of regrets when they look back. It appears that many who are starting or new to the process of healing seem to almost "justify" (for lack of a better word) the ordeal they experienced in order to gain insght into themselves & be a better person."

"I think if you were to look closely, you'd see that it's, actually, the exact opposite."




I'd disagree with you both. I think it's a mix. And appropriately so. We each see things as we see them. I think this whole thread revolves around our individual interpretation of the term "regret." Some see it from the angle of personal responsibility of our actions versus the actions of the BPD. Others see it from "our" side only, and our "role" in the whole thing. Neither may be completely correct. It really doesn't matter. It's still been an enlightening discussion.


I still "regret" I ever met her, though.


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willowtree007
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« Reply #65 on: February 21, 2007, 10:20:55 PM »

I have been waiting for her to get a job, on the advice of my lawyer. She has been playing games with pretending to look for work for the past year, but now finally after her unemployment ran out she has two part time jobs. So the end will be coming within a few weeks, after she gets her first paycheck. Yay!

Why wait until she has a job? Alimony payments are set based on income at the time of filing. I can try to "impugn" income to her, but it's iffy with her many "illnesses" and the high rate of unemployment in Cleveland, and it would be a big long expensive court battle. Also, kicking her to the curb with no income would be inhumane (or at least appear to be) and I would get socked for huge bills from the court to cover her expenses. It's not that I'm cheap, but rather that we are on the brink of bankruptcy with $98,000 in credit card debt she ran up. I managed to reduce our debt from $106,000 a year ago, on my income alone while paying huge interest rates, but things are very precarious.

Thank you, Stressed. I understand your postion now and the need to ensure that you both get a fair financial outcome. I hope my blunt question didn't offend you. I'm glad that I asked, because a lurking suspicion (on my part) has been dispelled. Good luck!

Wil
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bewildered2
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #66 on: February 22, 2007, 04:33:19 AM »

we have all learned a lot, but at great expense.

we learned about mental illness, we learned about not taking crap from a significant other, or anybody. we learned that if something seems too good to be true, it is. we learned that there are people out there who can f--k you up in ways you can't believe. we learned how to bleed, and we learned about pain. we learned about making poor choices, and about developing personal strength so we don't do it again. we learned not to trust too readily. we learned not to be too patient. we learned about abuse. we learned to cut our losses. we learned how to value ourselves.

regret means you wouldn't do it all over again.

would i recommend that anyone go thru an experience of loving a BPD to learn the lessons i have learned? no. did the good outbalance the bad? not even close. so i guess that means i regret the whole experience. i don't like being abused. i don't like mental torture, whatever i might learn from it. 

borderlines, through no fault of their own, are bad bad news. but i don't think anyone needs to swallow some poison to learn that it is bad for you. unless of course they're just plain stupid.

i have made decisions in life that have not worked out too well. do i regret those choices? no, because i know why i did what i did and i felt like i had plenty of info at hand to decide. never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined that my ex-bpgf could think the way she does, and behave the way she does, because she is insane. so i was dealing with the unknown and unimaginable, and it nearly killed me.

i regret that i didn't know about mental illness before i had to learn the hard way.

b2

 
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nevergiveup
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« Reply #67 on: February 22, 2007, 10:55:42 AM »

It wasn't only my ex that I have had unhealthy relationships with, but all through my life I have been drawn to "difficult" people. Now that I have read up on BPD relationships and see how often children of a BPD parent end up subconsciously latching onto other BPDs because of their childhood issues, well I don't know if I can say I regret my relationship with my ex, it's more like I regret not finding out this crucial information a lot earlier in life. Now I am starting to understand why I have misguidedly spent my life trying to right other peoples problems. From now on I will be careful to look for those red flags and I regret I didn't have the chance to do that years ago.
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TonyC
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« Reply #68 on: February 22, 2007, 02:41:51 PM »

good question... .i have come to the end of my rope with... .the cycles... .i remember the first kiss ... .the firstime we made eye contact... .the first i love you but i also remember the first time i was hit... .the first time she moved out in the middle of the night ... .the first time i witnessed her curse out a woman in a restaurant im not sure ... .after 4 years on and off bpdfamily and in and out of a relation ship... .

i wonder if i had donated my efforts to a average relationship as to tryting to fix the last relationship would i be happier... .i will continue to wonder

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liberateddad
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« Reply #69 on: February 23, 2007, 05:29:00 AM »

Tony... .ah yes!

... .i remember the first kiss ... .the firstime we made eye contact... .the first i love you but i also remember the first time i was hit... .

And i remember the firdt sage and how I felt. The first time I went to a counselor and asked I am wrong.  I relive all the rages and fights.  The stalking and harrassment.  The abrupt leaving, name calling and fear.   I remember a night in jail as well.           but i do remember the first kiss!

Still do not regret that.         LD

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waylander
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« Reply #70 on: February 23, 2007, 05:54:53 AM »

YES. i wish i never set eye's on her, im still waiting for her to try and get in touch as somehow i know she will, i have to avoid parties and drinks that i think she could be at, i have never had to do that with anyone in my life before, when someone se'ts out to hurt you in any way shape or form then they must be avoided at all cost's, for me i just never saw it coming , and i would never wish that pain on anyone AND I WILL NEVER FORGET IT. it has made me very wary of another relationship,emotionaly, fragile still after 8 months, im angry, no good came of it at all... .ENOUGH SAID
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bigredboomer

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« Reply #71 on: August 23, 2014, 02:22:43 PM »

I completely regret my BPD/NPD relationships.

The only thing I don't regret is the 5 months I spent raising my partners kids.  That forever changed me.
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« Reply #72 on: August 23, 2014, 04:23:20 PM »

Regrets... .Yes and no... .

He was my first love, i was 19... .We've been communicating and seeingb each other off and on for 14 years. We both tried to move on but always came back together (read recycled a lot!) 2 years ago we decided to get back together, 3 days later he proposed and I said YES! (God knows why) things got worse from there... .He got diagnosed BPD and I got abused, lied to, cheated on, manipulated, devaluated, idealized, isolated... .Etc.

I got out before we got married, i would have regretted the marriage and possible children... .

Now I am glad I eliminated all the what ifs... .And the some!

Im also glad this has shown me a lot about myself and my flaws too. I get to work on them now and still have a chance to find a good and nice guy to raise a family with... .
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bigredboomer

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« Reply #73 on: August 23, 2014, 05:48:00 PM »

Good for you!
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #74 on: August 23, 2014, 08:16:10 PM »

I learned a lot about myself but I was  perfectly happy before she came along.  I wish I never got involved with her.
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tired-of-it-all
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« Reply #75 on: August 23, 2014, 09:15:57 PM »

I truly regret all the years, no decades, that I wasted being unhappy.  A short period of this might have been good for me had I learned from it and moved on.  I am too thickheaded for that. 

I tell my children that they have a right to be happy.  I tell them that they don't owe anyone their life or their happiness.  I tell them that, even though they don't need it, they have my permission to be happy.  That includes dumping a spouse or staying with a spouse.  Whichever makes them happy.  I don't want them making the same mistake that I made.
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x1985x

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« Reply #76 on: August 23, 2014, 09:27:41 PM »

Yes.

I do not regret anything else at all in my life, literally not one thing, but this is deserving. I lived with an inhuman, soulless wretch of a woman for six long and dark years. She absolutely brought out the worst in me. She took every gift I ever gave her and burned them in front of me. She lied to me, probably every single day. She hit me, she belittled me, she blamed me for everything. I gave her the axe and she buried it in my heart. I have never known such emptiness, it was my reality from the very beginning.

I am healing nicely and have since become a much better person, without a doubt. However, I know I didn't deserve that hell and I know I would have been much happier having never crossed paths with her. The price wasn't nearly worth the result.

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AG
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« Reply #77 on: August 23, 2014, 09:30:54 PM »

Hell yeah i regret it big time nuff said
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Hopeless777
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« Reply #78 on: August 23, 2014, 10:14:02 PM »

28 years, two kids, one grandson, and I regret ever laying eyes on her that first day. Sure we had good times, but the last 20 years have, for the most part, been horrid. Even when she was arrested for DV I hung in there and went to her therapy sessions. It took another year of escalating violence before I permanently left, after 3 recycles. Half my life was wasted on this evil acting woman who now tries to even poison my relationship with my adult children, while she tries to bankrupt me. Regrets? I have more than a few as I did life her way. I was a co-dependent fool. I hope I survive it all.
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But God does not just sweep life away; instead, He devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from Him. 2 Samuel 14:14(b) NLT
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« Reply #79 on: August 23, 2014, 10:50:02 PM »

Regret is a complex emotion. I feel like regret is an emotion to be processed from this interaction very far into the journey of healing. 
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BuildingFromScratch
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« Reply #80 on: August 24, 2014, 12:11:02 AM »

Losing like 7 friends, and spending 12 years in an emotional coma, and being so destroyed that three years out I'm still a mess? Yes, I regret it, but I don't think it's a good thing to focus on. I think it's better to look on the bright side of it as often as possible. There's a million truths you can point out, but only the ones that help you matter.
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Turkish
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« Reply #81 on: August 24, 2014, 12:23:38 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its posting limit. It is a worthwhile topic.

Please feel free to start a new thread.
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