Im am so tired...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There comes a point when the level of toxicity my BPD now ex gf dumps on me that it physically drains me.  I need to go NC to survive at this point. 

this re-engagement was two fold... .she thinks shes pregnant and she thinks I'm talking to other girls.   

last night I was subjected to some pretty righteous rage.  its impossible to take a time out when it comes through in texts.  I guess I could avoid reading them, but I couldnt do that.   she confirmed that all these recent accusations of talking to other girls stemmed from the fact that she was indeed talking to other guys.  in the same breath she turned her recent allegations into something about "me flattering myself".  she attacked me physically, emotionally and sexually.  fortunately jbird was awake to lessen the impact of her statements. 

I will admit that I probably brought a lot of it on myself.  when she started getting mean I told her it was "splitting".  most of the things she insulted me on I said were "projections".  she told me about how everyone loves her cause shes so great and new/old guy regretted kicking her out recently.  I told her that all "healthy relationships all end with the police making you leave and threats of orders of protection."  I don't think she saw that as sarcasm.  she sees it as passion.  I even told her that I myself have these issues with codependence and therefore make a bad partner for her.       

she is still raging on me.  right now.  I am the one with BPD she says.  I seriously need help.  I have responded with please stop texting me several times.  I'm done responding cause she ignores whatever I say anyway.  I have told her to donate my belongings as its really not worth going to see her in person to get them. 

anyway... .

NC... .I need to prepare for this.  I deleted and blocked her on FB.  I will block her emails this morning.  I cant block her on the phone and I cant change my number. 

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

[atwittsend]

There comes a point when the level of toxicity my BPD now ex gf dumps on me that it physically drains me.  I need to go NC to survive at this point. 

this re-engagement was two fold... .she thinks shes pregnant and she thinks I'm talking to other girls.   

last night I was subjected to some pretty righteous rage.  its impossible to take a time out when it comes through in texts.  I guess I could avoid reading them, but I couldnt do that.   she confirmed that all these recent accusations of talking to other girls stemmed from the fact that she was indeed talking to other guys.  in the same breath she turned her recent allegations into something about "me flattering myself".  she attacked me physically, emotionally and sexually.  fortunately jbird was awake to lessen the impact of her statements. 

I will admit that I probably brought a lot of it on myself.  when she started getting mean I told her it was "splitting".  most of the things she insulted me on I said were "projections".  she told me about how everyone loves her cause shes so great and new/old guy regretted kicking her out recently.  I told her that all "healthy relationships all end with the police making you leave and threats of orders of protection."  I don't think she saw that as sarcasm.  she sees it as passion.  I even told her that I myself have these issues with codependence and therefore make a bad partner for her.       

she is still raging on me.  right now.  I am the one with BPD she says.  I seriously need help.  I have responded with please stop texting me several times.  I'm done responding cause she ignores whatever I say anyway.  I have told her to donate my belongings as its really not worth going to see her in person to get them. 

anyway... .

NC... .I need to prepare for this.  I deleted and blocked her on FB.  I will block her emails this morning.  I cant block her on the phone and I cant change my number. 

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

[Want2know]

First things first - big hugs to you  x

I'm so sad things didn't work out, but you had to go through what you did.  No regrets, just live and learn.

I'm not in NC mode, but will be soon enough, so it's hard for me to give advice on this aspect.

I know it sounds radical, but with the weekend coming up, can you go far away and visit someone or just go to a beautiful inspirational spot for the weekend and be by yourself to enjoy the beauty of the world instead of the ugliness of BPD?

Sometimes you gotta get away to want to come back home again.  It's ok to distract yourself instead of getting sucked into the drama with this non-person.  Forget the fact that you love or once loved her.  It's not worth it to spend one more second figuring out how to make it so you can go into NC.  Just go without thinking about it.  Pack your backpack with clean clothes, a good book and go somewhere where the weather is nice and the scenery amazing.

That's my 2 cents.  We'll be here for you when you get back.  :)o not respond to her at all.  She does not deserve your attention for one more second.

[VanessaG]

Before I knew about BPD, and I was getting raged on, via text and cell phone and computer, I simply turned off the computer, turned off the cell phone, went for a long walk, took a shower and went to bed.

The hit_ that had been spewed during the overnight hours made me begin the longest NC campaign we had before the final one.  It was that ugly.

Why are you subjecting yourself?

Just sayin'.

VanessaG

[KHat]

Can you set all texts and her number to "no ring" on your cell phone so that it won't distract you from work calls?

[harmony1]

I think there is something you can do on the cell that can make that number have a distinct ring or go directly to voicemail

in my job people do it all the time... is that a possiblity?

glad to see you back on and posting  x

hang in... today is friday... get some much needed rest over the weekend 

give yourself some time to heal

[MxMan]

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

I just got to a point where I knew I couldnt handle it any more. I knew it was going to break me if I didnt separate myself from the situation. blocks on every email I could (and filters to trash on ones I couldnt), FB blocks, deleted myspace, changed phone, moved to a new address and kept my new location VERY secret. had to. I HAD to for my own health. And like a lot of us I took those blocks off a couple times, in moments of desparation, only to end up right back where I was. If it wasnt weird messages from her it was weird messages from her brother. if it wasnt weird messages from her brother it was weird letters from her mother. I got to a point where I said "you know MxM? DO you really care about yourself? because if you DO then you would stop prolonging your own torture."

Stay strong, brother. You can do this.

[francienolan]

That sucks, AWE. I hope things get better for you.

I like everyone's suggestions of changing her ringtone to silent--that might help for now. And maybe change her name in your phone to "No Contact". Also, maybe think of other things to do when the urge to break NC strikes. Take a walk, clean up the yard, call a friend, play with your kids, etc.

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

It sounds like in the past, you let her dictate the NC situation. I can only speak for myself, but just making the choice and being proactive about going NC made me feel more in control.

Don't take any of her crap. You deserve better!

[Auspicious]

I will admit that I probably brought a lot of it on myself. 

You brought all of it on yourself, by going back to someone with whom things went very badly with, with no good reason to think that they would go any better this time.

As have most of us, some number of times

[foiles]

I'm done responding cause she ignores whatever I say anyway.

AWE,

I kept three easily remembered things written down and took copies of it everywhere- car, office, rooms in the house.  For you it's probably something different, but for me it was "IT IS OVER.  I CONTROL MY WORTH. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS." At first, I repeated this 10-30 times a day for an entire month.  At least.  We have to change that tape in our heads- from them saying their blah blah blah,  to us saying what we need to hear- the truth.  Every time he would pop in my head, I would repeat my mantra.  Over time, the things I repeated changed, but I still do something similar every now and then.

Side note: If you contact the phone company, and describe a stalker or abusive situation, they may be able to help you as far as blocking her. 

Take care,

Foiles

[oceanheart]

Stages of change

It's a process, not an event... .

1. Pre-contemplation

2. Contemplation

3. Preparation

4. Action

5. Maintenance

6. Termination

Notice there's a "relapse" stage - all just part of the natural cycle. It's there to help you learn the lesson, finally, for good. Because there comes a time in changing all behaviors - recovering from addictions, getting into an exercise program, stopping unhealthy relationships - when you're finally "at bottom" and do not want to ever get there again and you realize that only YOU can get off that merry-go-round into the end stage, Termination.

Try to be both hard and easy on yourself at the same time, ok? You can do this.  x

[oceanheart]

ps - there's a great AA saying: "Progress, not perfection."

[Tippy]

How did I prepare?  AWE, I went total nc only last week after 18 months of sheer hell of re-engaging.  I had finally come to the conclusion that nothing would work to keep him away.  I did it without him knowing.  I blocked his email and changed my email address, I blocked the home phone by getting a barring code from my provider and you can block her number if you do a bit of research and buy a mobile phone which has the blocking faciltiy, I had to do that last week and now have a new phone that he cannot get through to me on.  I cried for a couple of days after I did this because I knew there and then that it was totally over, I will never hear from him or see him again.  It was scary but necessary.  A week on I am really, really happy and settled and wished I had done the whole nc bit earlier, I kept a little door open for him because of my ego and nothing else.  Its time for you to stop AWE and block the whole lot.  The next thing is maintaining the blocks and get help for yourself... .you need to move on now... .x

[marlo6277]

AWE  x

Just wanted to send you some hugs... .

What plans do you have this weekend with the kiddos to keep you busy and keep your mind off her?

Sending you some good vibes... .Hope you can feel it. 

  Marlo

[FireFighter]

NC... .I need to prepare for this.  I deleted and blocked her on FB.  I will block her emails this morning.  I cant block her on the phone and I cant change my number. 

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

Privately, write a list down of how you currently feel and some of the most venomous comments she said to you.  In the future this list will help you resist her next circle round when the pain of the experience diminishes and the excitement of another roller coaster ride is so overwhelming compelling.  You are writing a note to your future self with a warning to stay clear.  You want to tell your future self as much as you can about your present experience so he won't try again with her.  Be as convincing as you can as you are trying to save your future self the pain and misery.

Short term - she is going through her list of alternates and see who will take her in on short notice.  If she gets a hit then it buys you some time without re-engaging.  She hinted she had established contact with the previous guy so he might be trying again with her for another round unless he has found this forum already.

[Auspicious]

Privately, write a list down of how you currently feel and some of the most venomous comments she said to you.  In the future this list will help you resist her next circle round when the pain of the experience diminishes and the excitement of another roller coaster ride is so overwhelming compelling.  You are writing a note to your future self with a warning to stay clear.  You want to tell your future self as much as you can about your present experience so he won't try again with her.  Be as convincing as you can as you are trying to save your future self the pain and misery.

This is a very helpful hint, IMHO.

[BrienBear]

hey buddy I dont know who your carrier is but I have verizon wireless and they actually have a tool in your account section online where you can block all calls and txts from certain phone numbers. You only get 5 slots, and I had to use 2 specifically for my exBPDbf - one for his # and one for his new "things" number, but I haven't heard anything since... .Let me know if you need more details.

[WhyMe?]

 x

[dilbert]

First things first - big hugs to you  x

I'm so sad things didn't work out, but you had to go through what you did.  No regrets, just live and learn.

I'm not in NC mode, but will be soon enough, so it's hard for me to give advice on this aspect.

I know it sounds radical, but with the weekend coming up, can you go far away and visit someone or just go to a beautiful inspirational spot for the weekend and be by yourself to enjoy the beauty of the world instead of the ugliness of BPD?

Sometimes you gotta get away to want to come back home again.  It's ok to distract yourself instead of getting sucked into the drama with this non-person.  Forget the fact that you love or once loved her.  It's not worth it to spend one more second figuring out how to make it so you can go into NC.  Just go without thinking about it.  Pack your backpack with clean clothes, a good book and go somewhere where the weather is nice and the scenery amazing.

That's my 2 cents.  We'll be here for you when you get back.  :)o not respond to her at all.  She does not deserve your attention for one more second.

thats actually a great idea. can i go too?

[Tiredofit]

AWE,sorry to hear your going thru more of their insanity.I have no doubt you'll be fine.I just registered on this board but Ive been lurking for months.Many many posts here have helped me get thru some tough times and many of those were your posts and advice.Hang tough bud,and thanks for all the help you have given me

[2010]

how did you guys prepare for and enforce NC.  what did your situations look like when it began and what were the immediate responses.  I have never had to look at going NC.  she did that to me for us.  so now Im thinking maybe I should actually do it this time... .

No contact is a *process*

It rarely takes the first time.

It doesn't stick the second

It becomes painful and blameful on the third

It becomes angry and frightening on the fourth

and on and on until... .  You decide that enough is enough.

And when you do you surround yourself with hard copies of past abuses, transgressions, emails- whatever it takes to remind you that this person is toxic and given a chance- will ruin your health.

When the dust settles, you have silence. And in that silence is a black cloud of self-doubt, self- loathing and fear that you might have given up too quickly. This is when a wise counsel should tell you that this person you loved, who could not understand love- was there in your life to help you realize that you (and I) need to see ourselves as good people- but with a mission to help and keep helping someone who mistreats us. Our cycle of return to this person has created an endless struggle for peace in the relationship. The peace that never comes has to be found in the letting go.

If it were as easy as just saying goodbye- we would be done with it. But this dynamic is a habit- and the habit has kept us away from ourselves and turned our attention to someone else. That's also true for your partner, who needs attention in a big way. She's not going to want to give that up too quickly and will do whatever it takes to keep you involved.

Placing physical blocks against access is the only way to enforce the mental blocks.  Start by doing everything you can to limit exposure to the toxicity. When the roaring silence begins to deafen your eardrums and you can hear the pounding of your heart- it's just your old habit coming out and wanting a fix.  That should be the time you do something new- drive a different route- see a movie- go someplace else- anything to get you out of the habits of old.  Be aware that this relationship is like withdrawing from a drug- so there maybe times when you drive by, pry or otherwise involve yourself out of curiosity and need. Each time that you do this you'll get a jolt of adrenalin and later, depression.

The brains' pathways begin to change after about 90-100 days. There's always intense longing at 80 days and most people break NC at this point- but that's already after the first 4-5 tries at placing no contact boundaries. The first attemtps at NC can sometimes only last a week, then a month, then two months and panic sets in. It's not a cut and dry process. The disengaging process can take years out of you if you dont have a good support network.

Do what you can. The relationship is like an addiction and even with the best of intentions it can be a back and forth. My only salvation was to block every access I could- even fantasizing about leaving the country. Do whatever it takes.  In the end, you'll start to turn the attention to your own feelings rather than your partners- and that's the best gift the relationship might ever bring.  x

[turtlesoup]

Interesting, I havent seen my exBPD since January 5th and strangely, though I had a really good time out recently, these last two days have been the most danger I have seen myself in self re-engaging. Im coming up on 80 days, something like 75 atm.

Im really glad you told me this, hopefully it will give me the imputus to break past 100. Thanks.

[FireFighter]

The brains' pathways begin to change after about 90-100 days. There's always intense longing at 80 days and most people break NC at this point- but that's already after the first 4-5 tries at placing no contact boundaries.

Wow, thank-you for this nugget of information. 

For me, day 85 NC coincided with her birthday.  I had never experienced that level of missing and longing for someone in my life... .even surpassing the death of my father.  With no closure and everything in a big question mark I thought added to the longing.  Three weeks later, I didn't want to talk to her and avoided returning her phone calls.  The spell was broken.  So I followed this pattern to the letter.

[little doggy]

These posts are great. I wish I had discovered them earlier - it would have helped with my angst going through these exact same issues. The ideas and suggestions are excellent and spot on. My NC is impossible cos we have kids. She always rages and rants (or gushes and idolises) in the first part of any email and then finishes it with some small but important information about the kids (well, sometimes). Every once in a while she will put the important stuff in the middle of the email (so I don't just skip to the end).Man, she's good. But as time passed I learnt to ignore the rants (well, mostly) and only deal with the important stuff.  I agree with the description of the "process" and the timeline we all go through. My T describes it as a marathon, not a sprint (I would say more like a marathon steeplechase !). Hurdles and hazards appear (the 80 day hurdle is a doozy !) But feel reassured that it is only a hurdle. You will get over it and back on track. And there is a whole grandstand of fellow boarders cheering you on. Best wishes.

[dilbert]

The brains' pathways begin to change after about 90-100 days. There's always intense longing at 80 days and most people break NC at this point- but that's already after the first 4-5 tries at placing no contact boundaries.

Wow, thank-you for this nugget of information. 

For me, day 85 NC coincided with her birthday.  I had never experienced that level of missing and longing for someone in my life... .even surpassing the death of my father.  With no closure and everything in a big question mark I thought added to the longing.  Three weeks later, I didn't want to talk to her and avoided returning her phone calls.  The spell was broken.  So I followed this pattern to the letter.

hey firefighter, this is unrelated to BPD, but with my kids' mom, once i stopped trying to wrap my head around it, i got better. hope it helps. i know its hard... .believe me, 12 years with someone then theyre just gone... .but once you stop trying to figure it out you WILL get better i promise

[Mirielle]

AWE - I am so sorry you're at the point you last posted, looks like yesterday. Dunno where you really are... .physically... .My opinion, NC is extremely painful, in the beginning. Even as BPDxbf finished packing his truck and shut the tailgate, it looked like he was going to turn and make some new justification based on fiction. I didn't want to hear anything more. No more lies, no more excuses, no more accusations, just no more! I turned and walked away, before he could even turn around. The end.

During the previous day when he was convincing me why he had to go, I had shut down and wasn't saying anything more. He tried to hug me at one point and I was lifeless. He said "it's so easy for you... ." "NO it's not!" was my cut-off response, and he said "well you must be stronger than me." I don't know. I'm just strong enough to take care of myself, and strong enough to ask sane people for help now.

At some point in the horrible deliberations that are eventually the dissolution of your relationship, you wonder if you are in a relationship or a battle of wills? The answer to this question still points to the same 'elephant sitting in the middle of the room.' You are still unhappy, and it is purely a function of someone seeking to suck that joy from you and that you gave someone that power to suck the joy from you. It sucks.

I don't think anyone premeditates NC. We do our homework and for pure survival we see it as the best option for our well-being. I'm around 70 days into it, uh oh (note timeline reference previous in this thread, and thank you for the 'heads up'!), and I'm finally pretty numb to BPDxbf's childish tricks, except, as I've posted, his latest trick is to get at me by eliminating my animals. My dear friend, who needs vast quantities of exotic chocolate, is working very very hard to keep me from breaking NC. Everyone needs a friend like her!

Seriously, do your homework, read up on ways to take care of YOU, keep talking, keep posting with this gang, see a therapist, get into your spirituality. Currently the book I'm reading is "Getting Past Your Break-up." There's a section about doing a relationship inventory; helps you think about the truth of your relationship so you don't dwell on moping around about it, idealizing things that were such a tiny fragment of happiness in a sea of fear and loathing.

Get into your hobbies and connect with friends. Be the person you are, not a sidekick to a BPD. You are already so much more!

x

M

[LeroyBrown]

Hey brother -   

This is going to be TOUGH for you dude. Harder than anything you've ever kicked (even the cha cha) and you know that. For me, as you know, it all came down in one fell swoop. I blocked it all (phone, email, Gchat, and FB) in a moment of intense anger and used that to fuel my initial disengagement. That wave died within a few weeks. At that point (and prior to as well), I enlisted the aid of BPD Family, my therapist, good friends/family, blogs, and lots of physical activity.

I'm at day #125 NC right now and haven't been re-engaged in 67 days. Each day that passes, I gain a bit more clarity and my resolve strengthens. There are good days and bad days. Mental, emotional, and physical setbacks. You're human, bro. You'll want to go back to her for another hit, sometimes 23 hours in a day. It's pure hell. And then you begin to emerge and begin to grasp the magnitude of what you learned

I can't really add to the already terrific list of suggestions thus far so I'll reiterate a few thoughts:

1. Use righteous anger to help fuel your initial disengagement (as you seem to be doing).

2. Journal like crazy. This will help you get your thoughts out and will also be a hell of an eye-opener to look back on, as your processing continues.

3. Seek out a therapist. It may be spendy, but see if you can cut something else out of your life to be able to afford it.

4. Avoid the drugs/booze for a bit. They ___ with your head and make you *think* you messed up by going NC.

5. Make that list. Make it, make it, make it.

6. Post here.

7, Get away from anything that reminds you of her. Anything.

7. Come kick it in the Rockies w/ me and my dog and breathe some of that Rocky Mountain air!   

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lw8M2boilc 

In solidarity brother,

Leroy Brown