Take the Pledge

[qcarolr]

Hope I am welcome on the staying board - my r/s is with my BPDDD25 as part of my family with dh and gd6 plus the current bf of DD. I need this to get grounded again. So this Pledge fits what I need to do to take care of myself right now. I am so glad I stopped here today.

Next near term goal: get back into therapy - have appt next week. And accept that things are going well for now and stop looking at the sky watching for that 'other shoe' daily. Tomorrow has to be left to take care of itself!

qcr

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pointblankdp42]

My near term goal is to work on the pain I'm feeling in the relationship so that it doesn't affect our relationship in a negative way. We have passed through and defused many conflict situations and I now know where her limits are, unfortunately, sometimes I give in too much on my own in order to keep the peace, and I end up not feeling too good, so I need to learn to re-assert myself in a positive way, hopefully without causing too much conflict.

[Weatherman]

I pledge to work diligently on my part of the relationship with my uBPDw by working through the lessons/workshops here, reading, and practicing, practicing, practicing... .namely validation, setting proper boundaries, and bringing up difficult necessary topics appropriately with my w rather than let them go to avoid confrontation.

[twistedmarriage]

I pledge to learn as much as I can about how I contribute to the cycle of conflict in my household, to not react or dole out any form of emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse to anyone with the excuse that I was reacting to soomeone or defending myself from the unknown. 

I pledge to have faith in this journey of self-discovery and betterment for the health, safety and welfare of my kids.  I pledge to remove my kids from any violent or aggressive interaction peacefully and quietly.

I pledge to learn about boundaries, setting them and breaking them uinintentionally.  I pledge to let my husband be and not worry about who he is with or what's on his phone or computer.  I pledge to not think about what he is doing when he is not with me.  I pledge to focus on my own self-development and to not be concerned about how my positive actions for myself will affect my spouse.  I pledge to live life to the fullest while being mindful how my choices affect my life.

I pledge to be respectful and supportive of whatever path my husband chooses, whether it is to separate, divorce or live without intimacy. I pledge that I will not coerce him to "love" me either by demands, threats or insinuations. Nor will I ask him to love me.  I pledge to maintain respect for love that is given freely and by choice. 

I pledge to love myself and take good care of myself irrespective of my husbands or anyone's actions or words. 

[Neverknow]

Took the pledge and have been trying hard to maintain it.  Got the pay off the other day.  My uBPD wife came to me and said there was something she wanted to talk about.  She started talking about all of her crazy feelings (essentially went down the BPD list) and wants to go to therapy to try and get better.  I was floored. We have an appointment Thursday.

[SmileAnyway]

 Hi!

I was contemplating this last night.  If my SO was lying in hospital in a coma, I would never get uptight with her for her inability to function as a wife properly.  She would have my total support and love.

Sadly scars caused by mental illness are unseen unlike the ones caused by a physical ailment.  To all onlookers perhaps our loved one functions like everyone else.  We singularly appear to be the target of 'their' private/secret abuse.

This obviously is painful to us.  We feel exhausted, unloved, discarded.  Yet they are ill.  They are not wicked.  They may even be oblivious to the treatment they met out.  Likely they are abuse victims themselves.  They can't walk away from their condition/memories.  And they fear that because we could walk away, we likely will!

Our frustration comes from believing that if they acknowledged their condition and got help, things would improve and we could rekindle the love we first experienced.  Maybe it would.  Maybe it wouldn't.  But I feel strongly that there is a need to demonize the condition, not the person!  Of course that is not easy, when the condition as made manifest in them causes us the pain.  But if we were to catch flu, we are unlikely to start building a case against the likely carrier who bought it to us.  Our enemy is the 'flu' not the carrier.

I love her so so much!  And nothing would please me more that for her to make me her confidant and to work with her in helping her to heal over whatever may have happened and for us both to practice the skills needed to accommodate one another and get along.  In my case it feels unlikely this will happen.  But my love for her, my feeling toward my marriage vows before god and the value I hold for the family unit means I will do my human best to stick at it.

I am not overly dependent on her, nor do I secretly delight in being abused, I don't enjoy playing the victim and work overtime in presenting a united front and 'smiley face' to all onlookers, at times I crumble in private, prayer is a massive help to me.  I want to work at being focused on seeing her as a beautiful person (in every way) who is also sadly ill and in emotional turmoil. 

You know, my grandparents in dementia used to hit and curse my parents.  But that wasn't them, that was the condition.  Sure it hurt, sure  my parents grew tired of it and needed time out (barriers) and needed mechanisms to prevent making matters worse (validation), but they knew deep down that they were dealing with ill folk.  They were still very much the people who once raised them, soothed them, financed them and defended them.  And I guess if we look closely enough at our SO and particularly if we have decided to stay and improve things, we will recall that there is a good reason why we are still here and haven't left the scene.

I am going to 'try' and make a personal pledge, to cease blaming her and instead try to understand the condition and how it regulates them.  I feel this will protect my feelings toward her and my own emotional wellbeing.

This site is an excellent resource and I guess, what I really ask from it is the ability to understand the condition, the tools to stop making matters worse and the strength to stick at it.  And when it all seems to be going wrong, what we all need is the support of each other.  After all most of us have chosen to use this site for the assistance we can get from it, knowing that by our 'anon' status we preserve the dignity of our loved one.

Tomorrow (or even in an hour) I may feel different.  Human nature usually dictates that if an animal bites us we instinctively defend our self, its rare for any of us at that moment to question what triggered their attack.  Our SO are much more complex and valuable than this simple illustration, but I guess it goes part way to explain, why in the heat of the moment we only see our partner abusing us... .when things cool down though, I find it healthy to readjust my disgust away from my SO and to the condition that plagues them. 

I wish you all well in our joint pursuit to understand, show love and have it reciprocated.   May there be peace for all!

[sami12]

Hi Polo, you are so right, this is exactly what I am trying to do, I looked up some videos about BPD on you tube to try and understand what my boyfriend is going through and it made me cry.   If he feels like that then nothing I do or say will change his mood and I feel devastated he has to go through this.  At the moment I try to make him feel better during his 'dark moods' and this always, always backfires and he gets angry and nasty towards me, so I am going to try to accept I can't change him and leave him to work out his own demons, knowing he will be ok again once he has done this.

I am only at the beginning of this and have already failed to follow my own advice but I will not give up on him and will keep trying to see his 'dark moods' as his illness and not caused by me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmOfds7UH7U&feature=related

[Sir5r]

It took one year in CBT and a lot of time with others on this site for me to get to the point where you are.  You have given yourself freedom now. The freedom to love her despite her illness.


Sir5r

[JimNelson89]

The Staying Board Pledge

• I understand that my SO has a mental illness that is characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. My partner did not create this disorder. Recovering from this disorder is a significant personal challenge as is recovering from any mental disorder.    

... .Yes

• I understand that our relationship problems are relationship problems - attributable to both of us.  We both have a role.

... .Yes

• I understand that our relationship problems affect others including our children who suffer when there is parental conflict in the house.

... .Yes

• I no longer wish to be a victim in my relationship. I want to begin to reclaim my emotional well being and lead my family to a healthier place.

... .Yes

• I understand that my role in the "cycle of conflict" is often explainable, even justifiable, but never productive. The same is true for my partners role.

... .No, I don't understand my role.

• I understand that leadership change on my part requires strength, commitment, patience, self-awareness and I am committed to work on building these qualities in myself.

... .I am in big trouble here.

• I understand that influencing change in my family dynamics is about providing love, validation, structure and motivation, and diffusing conflict, and I commit to fostering these practices in my family.

... .Yes

• I will actively seek to understand BPD and also other cofactors, such as chemical dependency and other mental illness or personality disorder issues, with a spirit of radical acceptance and to support and lead my partner.  I understand that I have the capacity to support and lead my partner - but not to drive someone else's healing - that is the personal journey of my partner.  

... .Yes

• I welcome straightforward questions and challenges from bpdfamily.com members, even when the question and challenge may be emotionally upsetting, because they are intended to help move me grow towards my relationship and personal goals.

... .Yes

• I accept the responsibility of knowing when to let go of the relationship to protect my children and other vulnerable people.

... .Yes

[argyle]

So, next... .patience mostly.  We're both working on various issues.  MC and my therapist have mostly recommended growing a backbone for me, along spending some time understanding BPDw.  BPDw has really surprised me.  She's working very hard at DBT and I'm seeing real changes in behavior - she's even accepted the boundaries I've been setting.  Frankly, in the end, the influence of the changes she has already chosen to make will be greater than anything within my power. (You'll hopefully never read this - but - thanks wifety.) I'm perfectly aware that the path forwards will not be at all smooth or pleasant, but it does appear to be worth walking.

Mhmm. Anyways. Next goals... .

1. Set expectations/alternate coping strategies for behavior.  (Highest priorities are BPDw sleep disturbances and low stress tolerance - expecting these to change anytime soon is unrealistic.  An inability to function in the morning means that toddler should not be left at home in the morning with BPDw... .And low stress tolerance means that BPDw should not take care of child for extended periods anyways.)

2. More orderly home life... .clean and hygenic.

3. Structured/scheduled family time

4. Practice asserting myself in a more timely fashion

5. Practice validating wife while maintaining boundaries.  (Last few tries went okay.  Not great... .just okay.) 

--Argyle

[Kelebek]

My near next goal (current) is to continue to learn more and understand BPD.

When I first realized that my UBPDH could have BPD I checked out or got on the waiting list for the three books they had on it at the library and searched the internet (and found bpdfamily thankfully!). I am only just beginning to "know" BPD so I have a lot to learn and comprehend. The more information and facts I have the more understanding I can be (for him and me) and hopefully the more I can heal myself (and hopefully my part of the relationship). My husband is open to hearing about BPD but I'm really trying to focus on learning so that I can make healthier choices, if he chooses to learn more and go from there, I'll support him 100%, but I have no illusions or intentions of shoving him anywhere 

To that end, I just got my hands on Randi Kreger's ~The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells~ from the library and it has done more than all the other books I've read to help me feel that there is something I can do and change in me. For the last 18 +/- years in my marriage, when I first knew that things weren't healthy, I read every book on relationships and healing that I could, everything from John Bradshaw to Susan Forward, Leo Buscaglia and even child development experts. I tried to heal as many of my own childhood wounds thinking that they were the real cause of the problems (at least that helped me and certain aspects of our relationship). So yeah, I feel that learning as much as I can about BPD will help greatly. Which leads to... .

Next goal: providing love, validation, structure, motivation and diffusing conflict. Even though I feel that currently I'm providing love, validation and positive motivation there is more to learn and more to see where times I think I'm being loving or validating that I'm not. I need to learn to see the picture from space instead of up close, hopefully that will help. The biggest challenge is diffusing conflict. There are waaaay too many times that I see myself saying things and acting in a way that I know is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish and even how I feel. I guess after living like this and not having the right tools I'm pretty defensive, raw and jumpy and I want that to stop. Particularly, I need to just shut up and listen and find a way that he knows that I am hearing him and listening to what he is saying. When he's not stressed out or in the middle of a meltdown he acknowledges that I do listen to him and understand him so I really would like to work on being there for him when he's melting down. I didn't take it personally when my children were toddlers, why do I do it with him    ? So definitely a goal there and I think the more I understand the better I can handle those moments.

[momtario]

My next near term goal is to get into therapy for myself, and sort out my part in "the dance"

[10venus10]

  What a wonderful pledge. I am finally paying attention to the only person I can change - me... .I allowed myself to check off only what I am currently willing to work on. Blessings to all of you... .

[itsaconspiracy]

My My goal is to continue to see my psychologist and sort out what is wrong with me while supporing my girlfriend and to have the patience to wait until she is ready to get help and understand her illness. Also for us to work towards having a more stable relationship.

[aubin]

My near term goal is to understand my role in the BPD relationship and how I've been feeding into the cycle of conflict. As much as my SO is willing to change, I know that I need to focus on myself and make my own changes. My first step towards that goal was starting therapy again -- just had my first session last week!

[How do I do This?]

My near term goal is: quicker returns to the practice of radical acceptance.

[qcarolr]

I took this pledge before, yet feel I have changed enough, and my situation improved enough to take it again. my SO is my daughter, DD25. My family includes my dh of 36 years, my gd6 that we have legal custody of and primary care since an infant, DD25 home again past 7 months after 2 years on the streets homeless - we kicked her out to "grow up", and a special male friend bfG that is an stabilizing influence in her life and therefore our lives.

My near term goal is to  find the path to remain calm and connected to each member of my family - become less emotinally reactive within myself. I am currently reading lots of parenting books to help accept my responsibility for my gd6 as the priority when there is a conflict with the needs of my BPDDD. This has been a major struggle over the past 6 years. I am getting support also from my personal T and a child T that gd and I see together plus private consulting as needed.

I have faced many in my life that disagree with our choice to allow DD back into our home as detrimental to gd. It is a mixed blessing to have her here. There are confrontations and rage episodes. Yet, gd is learning coping skills and resilience in this, with the help of T and changes in my focus on her needs. I have a concrete safety plan with lots of supportive neighbors available at a moments notice to take gd and I in. THis leaves dh there to manage the home situation. He has always been one to withdraw  and leave it all up to me. Letting go of managing DD and her life has also been a big part of this shift. Gd is no longer available as a tool for DD in getting what she wants. Planning ahead and being respectful in balancing what she wants with what fits the situation in the family dynamic is starting to get her needs met instead.

I am beginning to be able to breath again and find joyful things to occupy part of my life - a shift of focus from the overwhelming, ruminating obssession with DD and BPD.

qcr

[OBcean]

My next year goal is to cement this pledge into my brain, come to a decision once and for all, and move forward with it!  That is my goal.  And my pledge.  Thank you.

[alf1976]

I have taken the pledge and I am going to do the best I can.  I am completely new to all of this, so I still trying to find my way around the site.  But I am so glad this thing exists.  Finally, I have somewhere to go for support.  My immediate goals are to sped time each day educating myself about the illness and learning what I can do (even if my BPD husband decided to do nothing) to make a difference in our interactions. Being that I have previously tried every type of response I have ever learned or could think of including diffusion or simply not responding, I somehow find myself wrapped up in it.  Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and I look forward to both hearing all of the stories and advice and sharing mine with all of you.

Thanks

Amber

[tuum est61]

My near term goals are to

1.  Continue with creating an internal  "peaceful easy feeling" re my uBPDw.

2. Practice, practice, practice validation, detachment, and boundary setting.

3. Don't JADE; Do SET.  

4. Perfect the protection of my 3 daughters from bad splitting by my BPDw - primarily via application of 1, 2, and 3.

5.  Read the High Conflict Couple. 

6. Focus on my job and my staff during work hours. Make work a "bpdfamily.com free" zone.  

7. Get more sleep, exercise, and do more things "just for me".

[hopeforchange]

next near term goals:

-work on validating BPDhubby and remembering that explanations/defending myself are viewed by him as invalidating attacks

-work on taking care of myself - spend "me" time on a regular basis rather than putting my life on hold for him and the chaos he creates

[onboard]

I checked them all and take the pledge.

[mike sergent]

i'll do anything.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Near term goals... .

*continue loving and taking care of ME

*continue detaching in love

*continue to be myself, my true authentic (prior to BPD) self

*continue to recognize my role in the demise and working on my issues

[Triptoes]

My next short term goal is to further practice validating my husbands feelings while still holding true to my own values (i.e. not apologizing for my own feelings but at the same time accepting his feelings even if I don't see things his way).

Another one is to learn to walk away and be able to detach from him, with love — not with the resentment I have started to feel lately.

A change of heart combined with firmness and determination, that is.

Giving myself a good luck hug:   

[EverHopefulinFL]

My first short term goal is to stop the cycle of CHAOS that we have been living in for months on end by dedicating my full effort to mastering the skill of validation, regardless of how frustrated I will undoubtedly become and regardless of how cast aside I may feel internally. That is what we have each other for here on this site.

[tiffneymarie]

My short term goals are:

1. Learning about my role in our relationship.

2. Making sure I journal everyday.

3. Learning to set boundaries effectively and sticking to them.

[loving_aborderline]

My short-term goal is not to JADE. I think that is my biggest problem right now and I have a really hard time doing it because it is such an innate part of my personality. For some reason, in the moment of his dysregulation, I feel like if I don't JADE and get him to agree with me, then I don't feel like our relationship is healthy or that we are on equal footing, or that I don't take him seriously and therefore cannot respect him. I know this is counterproductive, but am having a hard time accepting it. I struggle a lot with when to use SET versus when to simply take a time-out. When to mirror, and when to simply set boundaries and, again, take a time-out. Also I think as an individual I am very sensitive to when I perceive myself as not being listened to, as someone not understanding me, etc. That is my own thing to work on. I also struggle with letting go of my feelings of hurt after a particularly painful episode. I struggle with feeling like he doesn't empathize with me, and that is very difficult because normally he is the person I go to for emotional support.

I guess this goal has to do with radical acceptance. I think I have a ways to go.

[Raychel]

I take the pledge and try to follow it to the best of my ability.

[OptimisticB]

My next goals are:

-To continue to educate myself

-To work on radical acceptance

-To remember to find "me" time. (Even if It is just sitting in the car 5 extra minutes to clear my head)

-To remember I am not alone.