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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Shes contacting me again  (Read 4457 times)
Narellan
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« Reply #60 on: June 11, 2014, 09:14:23 PM »

SB you're in self destruction mode maybe... . There's reasons why we keep doing what were doing, its because its meeting a need in you somehow... . Otherwise you'd stop. Maybe ask yourself why you're still doing this? Do you enjoy the drama she creates? Does it make you feel wanted when she texts you ?

I know for me I've got such an adrenaline rush since knowing he came around. I'm thrilled because it means I matter to him. He can't let me go, so that is feeding my self esteem and self worth. I want to be the focus of his attention in some way. But I recognise that and I'm stopping it now. Telling him to stay NC will be very empowering to me.

You have to take yourself out of the game for it to stop. And at the moment you're playing along 100%. Change the rules. You know you need to. You have so much self discipline ( I see that because you're going to the gym Smiling (click to insert in post)) use some self discipline and not respond to her texts, and if you answer the phone not knowing its her, just hang up!

Sometimes that way out of this is so obvious but fog still keeps us involved.
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« Reply #61 on: June 11, 2014, 11:42:48 PM »


I have only one question. Why do you even engage in a coversation with her? You were in the gym, didn't have to lie about being busy. [/quote]


Because Im a weak minded b*tch when i comes to this mean spirited, indifferent, cold hearted, self absorbed, bratt with the moral fiber of rattlesnake... .   so what does that make me? Pathetic... .   I choke on bile and self loathing when I engage back. Im in constant withdrawal mode and will be until I can make NC stick.       But im never gonna waver... Im going to beat this addiction to a person.
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« Reply #62 on: June 11, 2014, 11:48:27 PM »

SB you're in self destruction mode maybe... .

You have so much self discipline ( I see that because you're going to the gym Smiling (click to insert in post)) use some self discipline and not respond to her texts, and if you answer the phone not knowing its her, just hang up!

Sometimes that way out of this is so obvious but fog still keeps us involved.

Clearly self destructive, masochistic... . clearly punitive for past imagined crimes.  The gym is easy. This is beyond relief. But having said that I am ok. I dont contact her... . Ive held up at least that much for a good long while now... .  Its the not responding I have to master... . I know the only way to possibly do that is to change numbers. What a pain in the ass thats going to be. Its like accepting defeat. I would rather find the stones to simply ignore.

Having your heart ripped out and being disemboweled does suck... . and rebuilding ones broken mind from it is obviously not a linear path to FREEDOM.

And it doesn't help that the ex ex girl I am seeing is going to move West while I move South.She's there now for another couple of weeks.We know its over, communication is sparse  ... but friendly. Friends with benefits until we both split. So my distraction isnt distracting from the discomfort I buried. If I lean into it any further Im gonna fall over.  my baggage
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Narellan
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« Reply #63 on: June 12, 2014, 12:29:09 AM »

Yes, I so hear you. My exBPD made it easy for me. Trying to f my friend behind my back hurt me to no end, and because he was distracted for weeks with her he left me alone. And he hasn't tried to contact me for 3 months. If he had I'd be a mess like you. I've been able to manage NC because we were both doing NC. This coming to my door approach is going to be my hardest test... . But I have to do it. Start thinking positive thoughts and visualise your way out of it. I think you're awesome and much stronger than u see yourself! X
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« Reply #64 on: June 12, 2014, 01:10:38 AM »

... .   I choke on bile and self loathing when I engage back. Im in constant withdrawal mode and will be until I can make NC stick.

Just remember: detaching is a process, not an event.
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« Reply #65 on: June 12, 2014, 10:09:22 AM »

Well... . it would seem like the half an inch door applies... . yet again. Just got a call... . was in the gym, I did not see the number, picked it up and its her. The FIRST time shes called me since she started bangin' her ex again full time. I was on a machine... . should have kept the phone in my locker.

First words out of her mouth were dont text me anymore... . ummmm huh?

Can I make a suggestion?

If she says "don't text me anymore," say "OK, message received. I'm busy. Gotta go." And leave it at that. She wanted to tell you something, you acknowledged it, end of story. No drama there. The rest is emotional diarrhea that you don't need to listen to. How about "We're not together anymore, so none of this stuff is really relevant. Gotta go."

The reason she keeps coming back to you for this is that you keep engaging her. Stop engaging her, and she'll either stop contacting you, or won't do so as frequently. Set your boundaries and defend them.

Keep in mind this is a process, like someone else said. I've been doing this for longer than you have, had the same issues you have at one point, and have gotten the boundaries fairly well set, but she still tries to break them (as she did yesterday - I engaged with her a little bit, but when she responded I just didn't respond to that).

It does take time.
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« Reply #66 on: June 12, 2014, 02:47:07 PM »

She really is determined to make your life hell, isn't she?  She's split you so black, but still can't let you go.  It's textbook BPD.  And being split black, naturally everything wrong in her life is all your fault.  Please try not to internalize that, SB.  I know it's hard, but this really is the disorder at work.  It's not your fault and it's not because of any flaw in you.  Focus on that, man.  This is not your fault and you didn't cause this.

Given how relentless your ex has been in contacting you and continuing the abuse, I really do think it's time to change your number.  I know what a colossal hassle that is, and how difficult it is to explain to people.  Especially if you use your number for business.  Your peace of mind is worth it, though.  I don't think she is going to stop anytime soon.  You are the projection target of all her self-hatred right now, and she's going to make full use of you as the scapegoat.  Seriously, you don't have to take this kind of abuse.  You don't deserve it.

Hang in there, man.  You're doing a great job of detaching and you are moving on.  Keep going.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #67 on: June 12, 2014, 04:14:47 PM »

Yes, I so hear you. My exBPD made it easy for me. Trying to f my friend behind my back hurt me to no end,  I think you're awesome and much stronger than u see yourself! X

Oh... I forgot this story... . I do have an some older kids... around her age. She FB one of them a few months after we met and invited him to the apt I just got her. Because I wasn't available enough and she was lonely... .   I discovered this because my son was telling me about the hot girl that face booked him out of no-where. I asked him if anything happened and he said no they just painted and hung out, talked. When I flipped out at her she said its my fault that shes lonely. I explained like she was 3 that this was beyond inappropriate and asked what the hell was she trying to do. Clearly seduce him. This went on for a few weeks and then I had to confess to my son ( I keep my private life very private from my kids unless its REALLY serious, and the red flags were there even then... this one of the many) So I told him. He was so angry and disgusted with her, he never spoke to her again. She wanted to know if I told my son anything about us and i said YES... . I had to. She was pissed! Crazy!


She really is determined to make your life hell, isn't she?  She's split you so black, but still can't let you go.  It's textbook BPD.  And being split black, naturally everything wrong in her life is all your fault.  Please try not to internalize that, SB.  I know it's hard, but this really is the disorder at work.  It's not your fault and it's not because of any flaw in you.  Focus on that, man.  This is not your fault and you didn't cause this.

Given how relentless your ex has been in contacting you and continuing the abuse, I really do think it's time to change your number.  I know what a colossal hassle that is, and how difficult it is to explain to people.  Especially if you use your number for business.  Your peace of mind is worth it, though.  I don't think she is going to stop anytime soon.  You are the projection target of all her self-hatred right now, and she's going to make full use of you as the scapegoat.  Seriously, you don't have to take this kind of abuse.  You don't deserve it.

Hang in there, man.  You're doing a great job of detaching and you are moving on.  Keep going.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)



I am going to change it by the end of the month. That and moving out of state will erase all past toxicity from my system. And yes... . I totally am her projection target, as was once the ex that she is back with yet again for the 10th time in 4 years, whom she hated and talked trash about constantly.  Co-dependent much?[/quote]
Can I make a suggestion?


The reason she keeps coming back to you for this is that you keep engaging her. Stop engaging her,  Set your boundaries and defend them.


It does take time. [/quote]
This is a fact. Im going to be hyper vigilant until I change number.  Emotional diarrhea... . so proudly ture.
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« Reply #68 on: June 12, 2014, 08:16:49 PM »

AGAIN! Tonight... . a text... . saying shes BORED!  I didnt reply... . then texts she wants me to give her a RIDE to get something illegal.  I just replied "no, I cant, Im busy"  Then she says "ewww never mind your old."  And "dont remind me of the past it skeeeves me out." ( this coming from a insane girl that insisted on telling me I was the best sex she ever had a million times during the love bombing phase... . and OF COURSE that infuriated me. I took the bait im embarrassed to confess. So I said, "remember what you always told me". To which she said, "Ive had better now... . sorry" A half hour later she says ... . "maybe you can ride with me tomorrow to get it."  I ignored everything after she said that I have had better crap. Shes abusing me emotionally... . again. I think this is fun for her now. I MUST get my ___ back together and go NC again. This is just stupid.

You guys are right... . I do have to get a new number. I either get reduced to a 7 year old or I have to endure well placed hurtful insults. She knows how to deflate an ego big time. Intellectually I do know better and get plenty of positive re-enforcement elsewhere... .  it still sux having her say these things to me.  My phone is off now btw. I dont even want to turn it on but I have to do to biz tomorrow.

To those of you longing for contact... . do yourself a favor... . it will NEVER be the same. You will NEVER get what you want... . and you will feel a thousand times WORSE then going thru the discomfort of NC. Stick with NC. Don't open that door!
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Narellan
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« Reply #69 on: June 12, 2014, 08:45:39 PM »

Yes SB. Burn this into your brain. You wouldn't have had your ego deflated if you hadnt replied. Btw it's more like 4 yo behaviour " I've got a better toy than you... . " 
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« Reply #70 on: June 12, 2014, 08:53:35 PM »

Sorry folks... . Im writing here to stop myself... . turned phone on. Got a slew of texts... . asking for money... . then saying shes bored. Then saying shes too young to stay in... . then saying never mind... . then saying ... . shes not using... . and I dont know her. Then saying good nite... . oh no no no no  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  
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« Reply #71 on: June 12, 2014, 08:55:02 PM »

Phones back off... . Im drinking a ice cold vodka with lime!  ugh   
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« Reply #72 on: June 12, 2014, 08:56:11 PM »

Yes SB. Burn this into your brain. You wouldn't have had your ego deflated if you hadnt replied. Btw it's more like 4 yo behaviour " I've got a better toy than you... . " 

Can you burn something into my brain like a hot branding iron? ha
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Narellan
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« Reply #73 on: June 12, 2014, 09:21:30 PM »

I changed my exBPD guys name in my contacts from " D" to ":)o not answer this prick" so when a text comes through it's a reminder. Would that work for the next few weeks til you get a new number?

If I lived closer I'd come around and hot iron brand you myself!

But I think part of you is enjoying this stalkerish attention. You are the only one who can stop this. She won't. You need to step up. 
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« Reply #74 on: June 12, 2014, 09:40:33 PM »

Hey SB.  I know how hard it is and my heart is with you.

To me it feels like their craziness infects me and I start feeling crazy myself with all the anxiety and depression cycles following my exposure to my uBPDxso life.

I think of my need to linger on as an addiction and similar to the way I dealt with other addictions I had (and apparently I see a pattern in myself and addictions over the years... .  ) and that always starts with me REALLY NOT WANTING to be there anymore, and then I find a way to get off the habit. Time and again I say NO to my urges.  I experience them mindfully, I recognize and accept the urge without judgement, I remind myself about my decision and sincere desire not to surrender to this urge and I do my best.  Many times I'd fail and obsess / ruminate / peek / whatever, and that's not the end of the world.  I try again next time.  I'm determined to stop it and it gets slowly and gradually better.

TIL
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« Reply #75 on: June 12, 2014, 11:57:32 PM »

If I lived closer I'd come around and hot iron brand you myself!

But I think part of you is enjoying this stalkerish attention. You are the only one who can stop this. She won't. You need to step up. 

I think I might like that branding but it has to burn into the right temporal lobe. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  But seriously you are of course right. There is a part of me that must masochistically like the attention. Some shrapnel of hope which seems to spring eternal. But I absolutely dont like her at all. Whatever is driving me is addiction... . same thing as quitting  heroin, not that I ever used... . but I imagine the urges are just as irresistible... . and I realize the contact that I endure is punitive, like I dont deserve better. Ive been working hard on that one. The one good thing about this is that I know that I have the ability to NOT contact her. And Im working hard on throwing this phone away... .   that will do it. Im sure of it. She has no other way to contact except to show up on my doorstep and unless shes ready to be arrested or committed, and outed to her BF she wouldn't do it. I hope.

Hey SB.  I know how hard it is and my heart is with you.

To me it feels like their craziness infects me and I start feeling crazy myself with all the anxiety and depression cycles following my exposure to my uBPDxso life.

I think of my need to linger on as an addiction and similar to the way I dealt with other addictions I had (and apparently I see a pattern in myself and addictions over the years... .   ) and that always starts with me REALLY NOT WANTING to be there anymore, and then I find a way to get off the habit. Time and again I say NO to my urges.  I experience them mindfully, I recognize and accept the urge without judgement, I remind myself about my decision and sincere desire not to surrender to this urge and I do my best.  Many times I'd fail and obsess / ruminate / peek / whatever, and that's not the end of the world.  I try again next time.  I'm determined to stop it and it gets slowly and gradually better.

TIL

I can totally relate to what you are telling me. Ive been able to NOT contact her exactly this way... . the next step in quitting her and recognizing this has nothing to do with anything except a need she met that was missing in myself... . and the push pull, adulation/sex/devaluation/cheating hit a nerve that was buried deep. I look at my phone now as if it were a bottle, if I was an alcoholic, or syringe if I were a heroin addict. That phone number... . I NEED to lose it. Man,... . its so hard.

But I got thru tonight... . and Im going to take it one day at a time until that number is gone.
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« Reply #76 on: June 13, 2014, 12:07:26 AM »

One question that was pivotal to me recently was "what do I get out of my addiction?" Understanding that helped me to dig deeper on WHY is it so hard for me to give it up.

What do you get out of it?

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Narellan
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« Reply #77 on: June 13, 2014, 12:08:06 AM »

Well my exBPD came to the door without warning after  3 months NC. I wasn't home but I've been expecting him now all week which is horrendous feeling. Unlike you I still love my exBPD so I have to act like I don't and reinforce its over.

I'm emotionally beat on this one. It's done my head in this week just waiting for him.

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« Reply #78 on: June 13, 2014, 09:53:54 AM »

One question that was pivotal to me recently was "what do I get out of my addiction?" Understanding that helped me to dig deeper on WHY is it so hard for me to give it up.

What do you get out of it?

This is good. Its a hard question to face... .   If I were to be brutally honest... . it would be nothing more then having sex with a stunning sexual younger women. Going deeper it would be, I think, a denial on my part to face the fact that Ive gotten old. Doesn't matter how much you work out or eat right... . we get old. To which Im still in denial... . and that is just malignant narcissism on my part. The loss of youth, for me, was/is something that happened to other people.  I just think, or believe true or not, probably not true because shes ill, but if I were more her age... .   I would have had more options. Don't get me wrong... . my life is good... . I have great friends and I have known real and intimate love... .   its just that this past year, with this person... .   has opened some very deep wounds. None of which makes rational sense.  Having said that... . on the surface... . Im getting absolutely nothing but an emotional beat down, sprinkled with maybe, maybe I can sleep with her just one more time... . yeah... thats it. Thats it. Thats pathetic... . and Im so exhausted spending this amount of time in my own head 


Well my exBPD came to the door without warning after  3 months NC. I wasn't home but I've been expecting him now all week which is horrendous feeling. Unlike you I still love my exBPD so I have to act like I don't and reinforce its over.

I'm emotionally beat on this one. It's done my head in this week just waiting for him.



Thats brutal... . thats so brutal and unfair to you. Ask yourself what is " loving " about the way he has treated you. And why would you love someone who doesn't love you back the way you deserve. ( yeah I need to smack that thought into my skull too)  Sometimes its just the rejection that makes us crazy, the lack of attention... . which does a number on the little kid in all of us that wants love but never got enough when we were young... .   You have done a great job at moving on, its not linear... not a straight line. I just got a text from my ex ex gf soon to be ex again Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) out west saying she missed me. That was sweet... . made me feel good.
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« Reply #79 on: June 13, 2014, 09:59:27 AM »



This thread has reached its 4-page limit. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are welcome to start a new thread if you'd like.
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