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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Was your replacement "better" than you?  (Read 5964 times)
Penumbra66
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« on: September 04, 2014, 09:26:42 AM »

For me, it's a constant struggle that I somehow wasn't "good enough" for my uBPD ex gf, who left me for a married man. We had been dating for a year and a half, and our relationship seemed like it was improving right up until she decided to befriend her philosophy instructor. My ex kept insisting that I wouldn't be jealous of him based on his looks or physical stature. She showed me photos on Facebook, and at 5'3" he looked like a troll. What concerned me was her insistence that they had connected emotionally – just as friends mind you – over their "darkness, nihilism, and suicidal ideation" from Facebook chats and texting. The whole thing set off huge warnings, because she claimed our main connection was sexual. She told me he reminded her of people from her hometown, who were poor, dysfunctional, and often criminal, comparing him to her gay best frienemy. She claimed he was a degenerate and that she was at least a partial degenerate, and that they understood each other.

Since she had only been in town around a year and a half to attend college, she had no friends here other than me. At first I agreed to their friendship, but their first meeting outside of class involved getting high together, which completely freaked me out because she had been sober for two years, and of course he was married. An emotional affair quickly insued, and when I insisted on her ending it she did, claiming that he would be a bad influence on her, that he had basically given up on finishing his PhD, and basically given up on everything. She felt pity for him, because he had been suicidal for much of his life and was struggling in his marriage and life in general.

A few days after she agreed to stop seeing him, she changed her mind and told me she felt compelled to continued their relationship, and we broke up. She slept with him a few days later, and then he ended things, claiming he needed to work on his marriage. She begged me back over the course of three days and I agreed to take her back. Two or three weeks later I realize they were still seeing each other, and when I confronted her she dumped me.

I understand that BPDs go through the idealization phase, which I certainly did, but her choice to leave me for him puzzles me. It also leaves me in despair. On paper, the two of us could not be more different. While I am struggling professionally, I am diligent, responsible, and well educated--probably overeducated. According to her he will never finish his PhD, due to his depression and lack of ambition. I am relatively tall and athletic, and would be considered at least reasonably conventionally attractive. He is extremely short, out of shape, and rather homely. And then there's the matter of their drug addiction. Both of them have had serious problems, although she claims now that he has been sober for a few weeks but that she is addicted and a daily user.

After dumping me for him, she told me I was the kindest and most gentle person in her life. She told me I had restored her faith in humanity, and that I was a good person. My replacement seems like a total loser. He left his wife for her after a weeks long affair. As a teenager, he severely injured a passenger in the car that he intentionally crashed into during a suicide attempt, which prompted the BAR to reject him after finishing his law degree. He must be a bright guy to have gotten as far as he did in the PhD program but his depression and motivation will likely prevent him from ever getting a job in academia. His professional opportunities are severely limited. Overeducated, but not qualified to work in his areas of expertise.

The easy answer is to blame drugs for bringing them together, or their emotional instability and dysfunction--or as she puts it, their "darkness." But I find myself fighting the notion that he is somehow a deeper person, emotionally or intellectually, or more accepting then me, or warmer than me, or more open than me, or… Etc. Etc. Etc.

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2014, 10:12:04 AM »

Dude, I was in your shoes.  But it really has nothing to do with him being "better".  If the roles were reverse and she was with him, she would leave him for you... .and then do the exact same thing to you.  In her mind, she would have very real reasons (he didn't do this enough.  he was too much like that.  he made me feel this way and not that way.  blah blah blah... .me, me, me).  But in the end, it is a bunch of garbage.  Excuses.

Excerpt
My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Me too, as far as the beating goes.  And I used to compare myself to her other men.  In fact, she played it up.  But then I realized that this is what she does.  She always has one in the trash-can, holding his head and wondering if he will be good enough, why he wasn't and what he can do to get her back, another one in her bed (in her pocket), and another one (or more) that she is luring in some way.  This is how they operate.  This is how they get their fix of attention, and this is how they punish men.

Maybe this will illustrate.  My ex told me, when we were married, that one of the things that sexually turns her on is getting dressed up, going out to a scuzzy bar, knowing that she is the hottest thing in there and that every guy in there wants to F@#K her, and then systematically rejecting every one of them (because they are "losers", then going home to F@#K *her* man.  What does that tell you?  She likes to hurt people, men especially.  She gets a rise out of it.  But look at *how* she likes to hurt them... .by getting them to compete with each other, to feel compared, to feel that one is "on the throne" and the other is a "loser."

Stop punishing yourself.  You are playing into her game.  Let it go.  She is the screwed up one, and it has nothing to do with you.  There are women out there who know you aren't perfect and will truly love you anyway.  They exist.  She isn't one of them Smiling (click to insert in post)
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2014, 10:16:03 AM »

This also revealed something to me about myself that, without me realizing it, played right into her sick games.  I realized that "having the best woman" was about my ego.  I felt like I was a real man based on what woman I had on my arm.  A hot woman was a trophy.  That is pretty sad.  It objectifies women, and it shows what I really think about myself.  I can't be *someone* unless there is a woman on my arm?  Really?  That is what makes me a man?

No.  What makes me a man is being born as a man.  What makes me a man is being content in myself and giving myself a break when I'm not.  What makes me a man is honestry and integrity, doing the right thing when I need to and not needing to win any stupid popularity contest of who is "manliest" because of what woman he has.  What makes me a man is finding the humility to stand on my own two feet and learn from my mistakes.

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drummerboy
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« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2014, 10:19:05 AM »

Mine went back to her ex who was a guy with chronically low self esteem. He believed that he was not worthy of anyones attention so is able to put up with her crap no matter what. She used to tell me that "he would never leave me" Imagine being in a relationship where you knew that the reason he stayed was because he didn't think he could ever get anyone else! Talk about crazy land!
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2014, 10:19:10 AM »

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.

I very much appreciate your honesty with where you are right now.   Most of us start with similar feelings, in similar pits of despair.

I can offer you only this:

The most important step I took, shortly after arriving in this community, was turning the mirror completely on myself.   There was a replacement, and I was abandoned.  (And before I found this community, I spent months trying to figure her out, and also comparing myself to the replacement).

It was like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube, or 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.  At times, yes, it was intellectually interesting, and it absorbed my brain.  But it also sucked the life out of me.

So, I sat down -- miserably, at the time -- and said, ok, I feel like ___.   It's not about her and it's not about him anymore.   I own these feelings.   I can handle these feelings.   I can go through these feelings.

See the chart in the right column:  "Attachment Leads To Suffering, Detachment Leads To Freedom."  And read, and re-read, the Ten Beliefs that Keep You Stuck --

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2014, 10:25:45 AM »

Excerpt
Mine went back to her ex who was a guy with chronically low self esteem. He believed that he was not worthy of anyones attention so is able to put up with her crap no matter what.

Same here.  What does this tell you?  They don't pick people because they are better (even if they say that to you).  They pick them because they can smell that they will make good victims.  The guy my ex cheated on me with last during our marriage lives in his car because he moved out here to be with her.  He has been out here, living in his car, for four years.  Last time she used him for sex and then dumped him to come back to me.  He wound up in a mental hospital.  Our recycle ended, praise God, because she was cheating on me with him... .AGAIN.  But after I dumped her, she wants nothing to do with him.  She is now screwing another man, and though this guy who lives in his car is pissed off about it, he still lingers around town like a fool.  He'll chase her forever.  And she loves it, I'm sure.  He'll get some sex in between boyfriends (or heck... .maybe during her relationships), but he'll never have her.  Nobody will.  Poor, dumb ass.

Penumbra66, not that comparing ourselves to others is good or healthy (my ex even says, "comparison is the thief of joy", which is a total laugh coming from her lips), but has it ever dawned on you that you are the better man... .because you GOT OUT and are doing what you need to do in order to get healthy?
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2014, 10:32:12 AM »

Also... .one thing to note.  When you put someone (or anything) in that position in your life when they become your ego-trophy or reason for feeling worth, you put them in a position of "God" over you, essentially.  They define how you see everything, including yourself.  Time to take her down off that pedestal.  She is no trophy.  She's just a person... .a person who plays terrible games.
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Artisan
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« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2014, 11:24:07 AM »

Who she picked and has moved on to has nothing to do with you. It never was about you. Her being with you wasn't about you.

It was always about her.

What a great opportunity to see yourself and your vulnerabilities and grow.
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freedom33
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« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2014, 11:35:09 AM »

They don't pick people because they are better (even if they say that to you).  They pick them because they can smell that they will make good victims.  

OutOfEgpy is spot on. They have a vulnerability detector. She did you a favour finding someone else to prey on. This guy is your saviour. He did you a favour taking your place in the torture chamber. If you don't believe this go the staying forum and read what these poor people are going through everyday to maintain their rs and their sanity at the same time. Give thanks to your myth, god, religion, science whatever you believe in, let go and move on.
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Fluff
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 02:13:51 PM »

My replacement is awesome! Beautiful, tall, free spirited, exciting, ladies man, wise, altruistic, narcissistic, awesome!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

At first I felt beaten by a better man. Then I remembered all the ___ she had done and realized he had beaten me for a really ___ty prize. I also remembered one of our last days together when she said I was like a cat. I take it to mean I didn't comply like a good dog. Maybe he's simply a better dog than me. Or both, a better man and a better dog.

Now it seems like he's going through similar ___ to what I did and I've started sympathizing with the guy. As a matter of fact, I think I'd like him more than her.
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Infern0
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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2014, 02:24:08 PM »

Nope.

He has one thing I don't,  rich parents who give him money to spend on her, that's his main advantage.

Without being arrogant I'm better looking,  in better shape, have a better career and education,  am more intelligent.

He's a recovering drug addict with an addled mind. However he's perfect for her as he's quite slow so I think a lot of the mind games don't really register,  he's not what I'd call a deep thinker.
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bungenstein
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2014, 02:53:58 PM »

Nope.

He has one thing I don't,  rich parents who give him money to spend on her, that's his main advantage.

Without being arrogant I'm better looking,  in better shape, have a better career and education,  am more intelligent.

He's a recovering drug addict with an addled mind. However he's perfect for her as he's quite slow so I think a lot of the mind games don't really register,  he's not what I'd call a deep thinker.

Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2014, 03:01:51 PM »

I really don't even care any more at this point.  She can find the best man in the world who lasts 4 hours in bed, is a millionaire, and has the kindness of Jesus.  That won't happen, but I would just feel badly for him.  Being free from her, from that relationship with her and all of her control, abuse, judgment, and torture, and thus being free to live my life and (if I may) find love, is worth far more than winning any ridiculous, rigged contest over who is "better" for her.
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RedDove
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2014, 03:13:40 PM »

Nada... .My replacement was so not better. Simply easier to manipulate and available to jump "on" to fulfull his "need" and to dissociate and avoid the feelings of shame, anger. etc. Not to mention to mask his dissappointments over the last 5, 10, 15 "Loves of his life"=me being only one. I'm younger, more atrractive, successful in my career, own my own house, divorced for 10+ years. We had "history" and commonalities: grew up in the same town (both still live in town and only 1/4 mile away from each other, Uggh!), went to same high school, my Dad knew his brother-in-law, AND my sister dated him back in the 80's and took him to her Senior prom!

The replacement is older (like menopausal) and without going into too much detail, when I found out about his hidden dating profile and confronted him, he said he went on 2 dates with the replacement. I said, well then there must be something you liked. Seeing as though we are obviously "not" in a committed relationship, hmmm, gee, guess I'll have to check out that dating site too! His response was, no, you're the love of my life and the perfect woman for me, she (replacement) had no "depth" (laughable now, cause "he" had not depth!) and was a used up looking dirty blonde going through a diviporce and selling her home... .too much drama (again, LOL!) He's the King of drama! He targets women "going" through a divorce because they are vulnerable! The 3 exes he told me about we're all in the midst of a divorce. He couldn't handle that I was stable, succesful, and independent. Sad, but true.

LettingGo14 and OutofEqypt nailed it... .turn the mirror back on yourself, work on you and understanding why you fell prey to someone with BPD. I know its hard, believe me I was involved with my BPD exbf for 4 years and it's only been 2 months NC. It's been brutal and painful, but I'm determined to learn something about myself through this ordeal.

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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2014, 03:16:18 PM »

My replacement is much better than I am. According to her anyway. A low level drug dealer who never had employment in his life. I'm heartbroken by the loss of her (or my idea of her anyway) but in terms of any real jealousy or damage to my self esteem... .I'm pretty OK with her choice. I hope she gets exactly what she's bargained for.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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bungenstein
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« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2014, 03:16:53 PM »

Do they not even care about getting with someone that they aren't even physically attracted too? I couldn't do it.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2014, 03:19:35 PM »

My ex could.  She told me how she dated guys who were not very attractive and overweight, almost as a way to prove to me that she isn't superficial and vain.  The current guy she is with looks like he just stepped out of the Shire with Frodo and Sam.  I think the physical attraction is a plus but it is more about if she senses their potential for worshipping her.


That's probably partly why we found ourselves with them.  We idolize and worship the very things they present and put out there to be worshipped for.
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« Reply #17 on: September 04, 2014, 03:24:58 PM »

WOW! OutofEqypt, Lol, Lol, Lol!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ... .I so needed that laugh today!   Lord of the Rings, Frodo and Sam, love it! I refer to my ex BPDbf as "Gollum" myself these days! Two sides, Smeagel=nice, normal and Gollum=turned evil by the ring! 
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #18 on: September 04, 2014, 03:27:59 PM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: September 04, 2014, 03:35:09 PM »

Do they not even care about getting with someone that they aren't even physically attracted too? I couldn't do it.

My ex wife cheated on me with a guy who had a hair lip and learning difficulties. It wasn't about his looks or personality. It was about how he made her feel. The fact that she was so out of his league probably meant that she had reached an all new level of pedestal to be placed on. She new that she didn't want a relationship with him as he couldn't provide her with everything else (money, image etc etc).

As for my ex wifes new husband. He earns more than me and has a full head of hair but other than that I don't think he's better than me. And as far as she is concerned the cracks are appearing and she keeps talking to me about how bad things are and how moody he is. So the black paint is already out and they've only been married two months.
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Infern0
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« Reply #20 on: September 04, 2014, 03:37:16 PM »

Excerpt


Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.

It was funny because this guy was an orbiter and she used him really bad, he was literally at her beck and call,  he used to follow her around with his head down like a lost puppy, and would go into her work to keep her company just because she could never be alone.

She wasn't very nice about him behind his back and during idealisation I looked at this guy like what a pathetic loser. Literally I wasn't bothered by him in the slightest as I perceived him as a complete non threat.

When she told me she was with him I actually didn't belive it for a couple of weeks because it was so ludicrous to imagine. I mean the guy used to roid (although you wouldn't know it now because he's emaciated) and everyone knows he has shrunken equipment that doesn't work.  

I think I actually laughed and said are you crazy. ...

Truer words
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #21 on: September 04, 2014, 03:37:52 PM »

"The black paint is out".  Haha.  I love it.  My daughter has already been telling me how her mom complains to her about how "stupid" her boyfriend is when he doesn't read all her hints about what she wants.  Ohhh... .here we go.
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« Reply #22 on: September 04, 2014, 03:51:24 PM »

Excerpt


Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.

It was funny because this guy was an orbiter and she used him really bad, he was literally at her beck and call,  he used to follow her around with his head down like a lost puppy, and would go into her work to keep her company just because she could never be alone.

She wasn't very nice about him behind his back and during idealisation I looked at this guy like what a pathetic loser. Literally I wasn't bothered by him in the slightest as I perceived him as a complete non threat.

I used to think of my exgf's orbiters as lost puppy dogs begging for scraps. I have no proof but I think she cheated on me with one of them. The funny thing is he now has a gf and she is pregnant so he has nothing to do with my ex. She keeps on doing things on FB like challenging him to the ice bucket challenge but he never responds. Well not in public anyway.
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« Reply #23 on: September 04, 2014, 03:51:40 PM »

My ex could.  She told me how she dated guys who were not very attractive and overweight, almost as a way to prove to me that she isn't superficial and vain.  The current guy she is with looks like he just stepped out of the Shire with Frodo and Sam.  I think the physical attraction is a plus but it is more about if she senses their potential for worshipping her.


That's probably partly why we found ourselves with them.  We idolize and worship the very things they present and put out there to be worshipped for.

Quality,  frodo and Sam.

Yeah when I met her i had just gone through some hard times, I'd become chubby and had a dirty beard and was dressing in whatever rags I had lying around. Actually when we started getting closer I got back in the gym, got my eating right and started feeling good again and taking care of myself,  and I think that accelerated the process,  my confidence started to come back and people were complimenting me on losing weight and saying I looked good etc.  She would say "I prefer the old you" and hated it.  I was like what the heck.
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Tiepje3
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« Reply #24 on: September 04, 2014, 04:02:29 PM »

I'm just recovering from the shock that he found a replacement, something I'd thought he'd never do. I'm also suffering from the shock that he makes me responsible for it. I 'drove him into the arms of her' with my behaviour (picking up smoking again, sorry... .lots of stress, lots of rebellion against his angry outburst just to piss him off... .I know... .bad choice). It is my responsibility that he had to make secret appointments with her. I also didn't have the stamina to listen to his (endless) work-related stories (yes... .had to review his email to his managing director at 7 am straight out of bed, not even awake enough yet). She is very ambitious so he can 'mentor' her and feel good about 'helping someone out' . She is not as moody as I am (no, she doesn't get yelled at all the time for unreasonable things), she's more fun than I am (yes, she doesn't have to hear that's she's stupid, a neurotic little puppy, slow etc.). He told me in my face that he prefers her company to mine.

But anyway, what goes around, comes around. The cycle will repeat, it's just with a different person. I'll have to let go!
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« Reply #25 on: September 04, 2014, 04:03:29 PM »

Speaking of picking partners for their potential to worship. My diagnosed friend is only interested in the shyest of girls. Also, a crazy sexy diagnosed borderline girl I knew as a teenager only chose wimpy nerd kids for boyfriends, while she had more alpha male kind of guys as orbiters. Very interesting. But then, she was at another level. She had one of her orbiters throw acid in her wimpy boyfriends face so no one else would want him. She went to trial and since then I haven't heard from her.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2014, 04:11:59 PM »

Of course... .the "old you" was more controllable, in her eyes.
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« Reply #27 on: September 04, 2014, 04:14:23 PM »

So basically its like having a colostomy bag.
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« Reply #28 on: September 04, 2014, 04:18:56 PM »

For me, it's a constant struggle that I somehow wasn't "good enough" for my uBPD ex gf, who left me for a married man. We had been dating for a year and a half, and our relationship seemed like it was improving right up until she decided to befriend her philosophy instructor. My ex kept insisting that I wouldn't be jealous of him based on his looks or physical stature. She showed me photos on Facebook, and at 5'3" he looked like a troll. What concerned me was her insistence that they had connected emotionally – just as friends mind you – over their "darkness, nihilism, and suicidal ideation" from Facebook chats and texting. The whole thing set off huge warnings, because she claimed our main connection was sexual. She told me he reminded her of people from her hometown, who were poor, dysfunctional, and often criminal, comparing him to her gay best frienemy. She claimed he was a degenerate and that she was at least a partial degenerate, and that they understood each other.

Since she had only been in town around a year and a half to attend college, she had no friends here other than me. At first I agreed to their friendship, but their first meeting outside of class involved getting high together, which completely freaked me out because she had been sober for two years, and of course he was married. An emotional affair quickly insued, and when I insisted on her ending it she did, claiming that he would be a bad influence on her, that he had basically given up on finishing his PhD, and basically given up on everything. She felt pity for him, because he had been suicidal for much of his life and was struggling in his marriage and life in general.

A few days after she agreed to stop seeing him, she changed her mind and told me she felt compelled to continued their relationship, and we broke up. She slept with him a few days later, and then he ended things, claiming he needed to work on his marriage. She begged me back over the course of three days and I agreed to take her back. Two or three weeks later I realize they were still seeing each other, and when I confronted her she dumped me.

I understand that BPDs go through the idealization phase, which I certainly did, but her choice to leave me for him puzzles me. It also leaves me in despair. On paper, the two of us could not be more different. While I am struggling professionally, I am diligent, responsible, and well educated--probably overeducated. According to her he will never finish his PhD, due to his depression and lack of ambition. I am relatively tall and athletic, and would be considered at least reasonably conventionally attractive. He is extremely short, out of shape, and rather homely. And then there's the matter of their drug addiction. Both of them have had serious problems, although she claims now that he has been sober for a few weeks but that she is addicted and a daily user.

After dumping me for him, she told me I was the kindest and most gentle person in her life. She told me I had restored her faith in humanity, and that I was a good person. My replacement seems like a total loser. He left his wife for her after a weeks long affair. As a teenager, he severely injured a passenger in the car that he intentionally crashed into during a suicide attempt, which prompted the BAR to reject him after finishing his law degree. He must be a bright guy to have gotten as far as he did in the PhD program but his depression and motivation will likely prevent him from ever getting a job in academia. His professional opportunities are severely limited. Overeducated, but not qualified to work in his areas of expertise.

The easy answer is to blame drugs for bringing them together, or their emotional instability and dysfunction--or as she puts it, their "darkness." But I find myself fighting the notion that he is somehow a deeper person, emotionally or intellectually, or more accepting then me, or warmer than me, or more open than me, or… Etc. Etc. Etc.

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.

The replacement is a triangulation of the primary r/s if they are still in one. For instance, if they are married or in a committed r/s, the replacement plays the hero to the victim BPD bc his/her primary partner is always at fault for how bad her/she feels ( projection). When the pBPD feels engulfed by the primary partner, they add a third person in triangulation. Abandonment fears from the primary partner move the three people on the mix around the triangle. Victim, hero, villain. The victim, of course, is ALWAYS the pBPD. ALWAYS. Depending on the splitting and willingness to recycle, the 2 others who remain in the triangulation, knowingly or unknowingly, will then be the (good, all white) hero or the bad ( all black) villain. The pBPD will ALWAYS be the victim though. The pBPD is not "at fault" for any of this.

PBPD's never end r/s. They leave a r/s abruptly for another.  This is another result of engulfment where the secondary stages of devaluation and splitting begin. The fear of abandonment. I'll leave you before you leave me. The protection. You're bad and at fault ( pure projection to avoid shame. Why the nons are perplexed).

The replacement could be a garbage can wearing a wig, its not about being a better you or me. Its about being a new source of ONE WAY NEED BASED SUPPLY.

Its about BPD.

Not you.

Its often said that you can perhaps tell a pBPD by the ppl they choose bc they are often too different in many ways. An ackward looking couplehood. Big age differences. Backgrounds.

They don't choose partners in a mature way. They seek.  Supply.

Then they mirror the new supply so fully that they truly believe their new identity. If they never liked milk and the replacement does, they now love milk. They are not faking that. This is how disordered they are in idealization. They have no identity.  Ever. Why they literally mirror and take on the other persons identity.

Then the mirror gets too heavy.  About 3-4 months of holding up that mask is all they can handle.

Engulfment.

Devalue.

Split.

Triangulate.

Wash, rinse, repeat.
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Mr Hollande
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 631


« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2014, 04:42:15 PM »

[The replacement is a triangulation of the primary r/s if they are still in one. For instance, if they are married the replacement plays the hero to the victim BPD bc his/her primary partner is always at fault for how bad her/she feels ( projection). When the pBPD feels engulfed by the primary partner, they add a third person in triangulation. Abandonment fears from the primary partner move the three people on the mix around the triangle.

PBPD's never end r/s. They leave a r/s abruptly for another.  This is another result of engulfment where the secondary stages is devaluation and splitting begin. The fear of abandonment. I'll leave you before you leave me. The protection. You're bad and at fault ( pure projection to avoid shame. Why the nons are perplexed).

The replacement could be a garbage can wearing a wig, its not about being a better you or me. Its about being a new source of ONE WAY NEED BASED SUPPLY.

Its about BPD.

Not you.

Its often said that you can perhaps tell a pBPD by the ppl they choose bc they are often to different in many ways. An ackward looking couplehood. Big age differences. Backgrounds.

They don't choose partners in a mature way. They seek.  Supply.

Then they mirror the new supply so fully that they truly believe their new identity. If they never liked milk and the replacement does, they now love milk. They are not faking that. This is how disordered they are in idealization. They have no identity.  Ever. Why they literally mirror and take on the other persons.

Then the mirror gets too heavy.  About 3-4 months of holding up that mask is all they can handle.

Engulfment.

Devalue.

Split.

Triangulate.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Very well put. And there we are, discarded by the side of the road wondering what the hell happened while trying to pick up the pieces of ourselves.
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