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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Was your replacement "better" than you?  (Read 5962 times)
Penumbra66
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« on: September 04, 2014, 09:26:42 AM »

For me, it's a constant struggle that I somehow wasn't "good enough" for my uBPD ex gf, who left me for a married man. We had been dating for a year and a half, and our relationship seemed like it was improving right up until she decided to befriend her philosophy instructor. My ex kept insisting that I wouldn't be jealous of him based on his looks or physical stature. She showed me photos on Facebook, and at 5'3" he looked like a troll. What concerned me was her insistence that they had connected emotionally – just as friends mind you – over their "darkness, nihilism, and suicidal ideation" from Facebook chats and texting. The whole thing set off huge warnings, because she claimed our main connection was sexual. She told me he reminded her of people from her hometown, who were poor, dysfunctional, and often criminal, comparing him to her gay best frienemy. She claimed he was a degenerate and that she was at least a partial degenerate, and that they understood each other.

Since she had only been in town around a year and a half to attend college, she had no friends here other than me. At first I agreed to their friendship, but their first meeting outside of class involved getting high together, which completely freaked me out because she had been sober for two years, and of course he was married. An emotional affair quickly insued, and when I insisted on her ending it she did, claiming that he would be a bad influence on her, that he had basically given up on finishing his PhD, and basically given up on everything. She felt pity for him, because he had been suicidal for much of his life and was struggling in his marriage and life in general.

A few days after she agreed to stop seeing him, she changed her mind and told me she felt compelled to continued their relationship, and we broke up. She slept with him a few days later, and then he ended things, claiming he needed to work on his marriage. She begged me back over the course of three days and I agreed to take her back. Two or three weeks later I realize they were still seeing each other, and when I confronted her she dumped me.

I understand that BPDs go through the idealization phase, which I certainly did, but her choice to leave me for him puzzles me. It also leaves me in despair. On paper, the two of us could not be more different. While I am struggling professionally, I am diligent, responsible, and well educated--probably overeducated. According to her he will never finish his PhD, due to his depression and lack of ambition. I am relatively tall and athletic, and would be considered at least reasonably conventionally attractive. He is extremely short, out of shape, and rather homely. And then there's the matter of their drug addiction. Both of them have had serious problems, although she claims now that he has been sober for a few weeks but that she is addicted and a daily user.

After dumping me for him, she told me I was the kindest and most gentle person in her life. She told me I had restored her faith in humanity, and that I was a good person. My replacement seems like a total loser. He left his wife for her after a weeks long affair. As a teenager, he severely injured a passenger in the car that he intentionally crashed into during a suicide attempt, which prompted the BAR to reject him after finishing his law degree. He must be a bright guy to have gotten as far as he did in the PhD program but his depression and motivation will likely prevent him from ever getting a job in academia. His professional opportunities are severely limited. Overeducated, but not qualified to work in his areas of expertise.

The easy answer is to blame drugs for bringing them together, or their emotional instability and dysfunction--or as she puts it, their "darkness." But I find myself fighting the notion that he is somehow a deeper person, emotionally or intellectually, or more accepting then me, or warmer than me, or more open than me, or… Etc. Etc. Etc.

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2014, 10:12:04 AM »

Dude, I was in your shoes.  But it really has nothing to do with him being "better".  If the roles were reverse and she was with him, she would leave him for you... .and then do the exact same thing to you.  In her mind, she would have very real reasons (he didn't do this enough.  he was too much like that.  he made me feel this way and not that way.  blah blah blah... .me, me, me).  But in the end, it is a bunch of garbage.  Excuses.

Excerpt
My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Me too, as far as the beating goes.  And I used to compare myself to her other men.  In fact, she played it up.  But then I realized that this is what she does.  She always has one in the trash-can, holding his head and wondering if he will be good enough, why he wasn't and what he can do to get her back, another one in her bed (in her pocket), and another one (or more) that she is luring in some way.  This is how they operate.  This is how they get their fix of attention, and this is how they punish men.

Maybe this will illustrate.  My ex told me, when we were married, that one of the things that sexually turns her on is getting dressed up, going out to a scuzzy bar, knowing that she is the hottest thing in there and that every guy in there wants to F@#K her, and then systematically rejecting every one of them (because they are "losers", then going home to F@#K *her* man.  What does that tell you?  She likes to hurt people, men especially.  She gets a rise out of it.  But look at *how* she likes to hurt them... .by getting them to compete with each other, to feel compared, to feel that one is "on the throne" and the other is a "loser."

Stop punishing yourself.  You are playing into her game.  Let it go.  She is the screwed up one, and it has nothing to do with you.  There are women out there who know you aren't perfect and will truly love you anyway.  They exist.  She isn't one of them Smiling (click to insert in post)
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2014, 10:16:03 AM »

This also revealed something to me about myself that, without me realizing it, played right into her sick games.  I realized that "having the best woman" was about my ego.  I felt like I was a real man based on what woman I had on my arm.  A hot woman was a trophy.  That is pretty sad.  It objectifies women, and it shows what I really think about myself.  I can't be *someone* unless there is a woman on my arm?  Really?  That is what makes me a man?

No.  What makes me a man is being born as a man.  What makes me a man is being content in myself and giving myself a break when I'm not.  What makes me a man is honestry and integrity, doing the right thing when I need to and not needing to win any stupid popularity contest of who is "manliest" because of what woman he has.  What makes me a man is finding the humility to stand on my own two feet and learn from my mistakes.

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drummerboy
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« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2014, 10:19:05 AM »

Mine went back to her ex who was a guy with chronically low self esteem. He believed that he was not worthy of anyones attention so is able to put up with her crap no matter what. She used to tell me that "he would never leave me" Imagine being in a relationship where you knew that the reason he stayed was because he didn't think he could ever get anyone else! Talk about crazy land!
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LettingGo14
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« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2014, 10:19:10 AM »

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.

I very much appreciate your honesty with where you are right now.   Most of us start with similar feelings, in similar pits of despair.

I can offer you only this:

The most important step I took, shortly after arriving in this community, was turning the mirror completely on myself.   There was a replacement, and I was abandoned.  (And before I found this community, I spent months trying to figure her out, and also comparing myself to the replacement).

It was like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube, or 10,000 piece jigsaw puzzle.  At times, yes, it was intellectually interesting, and it absorbed my brain.  But it also sucked the life out of me.

So, I sat down -- miserably, at the time -- and said, ok, I feel like ___.   It's not about her and it's not about him anymore.   I own these feelings.   I can handle these feelings.   I can go through these feelings.

See the chart in the right column:  "Attachment Leads To Suffering, Detachment Leads To Freedom."  And read, and re-read, the Ten Beliefs that Keep You Stuck --

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2014, 10:25:45 AM »

Excerpt
Mine went back to her ex who was a guy with chronically low self esteem. He believed that he was not worthy of anyones attention so is able to put up with her crap no matter what.

Same here.  What does this tell you?  They don't pick people because they are better (even if they say that to you).  They pick them because they can smell that they will make good victims.  The guy my ex cheated on me with last during our marriage lives in his car because he moved out here to be with her.  He has been out here, living in his car, for four years.  Last time she used him for sex and then dumped him to come back to me.  He wound up in a mental hospital.  Our recycle ended, praise God, because she was cheating on me with him... .AGAIN.  But after I dumped her, she wants nothing to do with him.  She is now screwing another man, and though this guy who lives in his car is pissed off about it, he still lingers around town like a fool.  He'll chase her forever.  And she loves it, I'm sure.  He'll get some sex in between boyfriends (or heck... .maybe during her relationships), but he'll never have her.  Nobody will.  Poor, dumb ass.

Penumbra66, not that comparing ourselves to others is good or healthy (my ex even says, "comparison is the thief of joy", which is a total laugh coming from her lips), but has it ever dawned on you that you are the better man... .because you GOT OUT and are doing what you need to do in order to get healthy?
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2014, 10:32:12 AM »

Also... .one thing to note.  When you put someone (or anything) in that position in your life when they become your ego-trophy or reason for feeling worth, you put them in a position of "God" over you, essentially.  They define how you see everything, including yourself.  Time to take her down off that pedestal.  She is no trophy.  She's just a person... .a person who plays terrible games.
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Artisan
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« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2014, 11:24:07 AM »

Who she picked and has moved on to has nothing to do with you. It never was about you. Her being with you wasn't about you.

It was always about her.

What a great opportunity to see yourself and your vulnerabilities and grow.
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freedom33
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« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2014, 11:35:09 AM »

They don't pick people because they are better (even if they say that to you).  They pick them because they can smell that they will make good victims.  

OutOfEgpy is spot on. They have a vulnerability detector. She did you a favour finding someone else to prey on. This guy is your saviour. He did you a favour taking your place in the torture chamber. If you don't believe this go the staying forum and read what these poor people are going through everyday to maintain their rs and their sanity at the same time. Give thanks to your myth, god, religion, science whatever you believe in, let go and move on.
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2014, 02:13:51 PM »

My replacement is awesome! Beautiful, tall, free spirited, exciting, ladies man, wise, altruistic, narcissistic, awesome!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

At first I felt beaten by a better man. Then I remembered all the ___ she had done and realized he had beaten me for a really ___ty prize. I also remembered one of our last days together when she said I was like a cat. I take it to mean I didn't comply like a good dog. Maybe he's simply a better dog than me. Or both, a better man and a better dog.

Now it seems like he's going through similar ___ to what I did and I've started sympathizing with the guy. As a matter of fact, I think I'd like him more than her.
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Infern0
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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2014, 02:24:08 PM »

Nope.

He has one thing I don't,  rich parents who give him money to spend on her, that's his main advantage.

Without being arrogant I'm better looking,  in better shape, have a better career and education,  am more intelligent.

He's a recovering drug addict with an addled mind. However he's perfect for her as he's quite slow so I think a lot of the mind games don't really register,  he's not what I'd call a deep thinker.
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2014, 02:53:58 PM »

Nope.

He has one thing I don't,  rich parents who give him money to spend on her, that's his main advantage.

Without being arrogant I'm better looking,  in better shape, have a better career and education,  am more intelligent.

He's a recovering drug addict with an addled mind. However he's perfect for her as he's quite slow so I think a lot of the mind games don't really register,  he's not what I'd call a deep thinker.

Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2014, 03:01:51 PM »

I really don't even care any more at this point.  She can find the best man in the world who lasts 4 hours in bed, is a millionaire, and has the kindness of Jesus.  That won't happen, but I would just feel badly for him.  Being free from her, from that relationship with her and all of her control, abuse, judgment, and torture, and thus being free to live my life and (if I may) find love, is worth far more than winning any ridiculous, rigged contest over who is "better" for her.
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RedDove
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2014, 03:13:40 PM »

Nada... .My replacement was so not better. Simply easier to manipulate and available to jump "on" to fulfull his "need" and to dissociate and avoid the feelings of shame, anger. etc. Not to mention to mask his dissappointments over the last 5, 10, 15 "Loves of his life"=me being only one. I'm younger, more atrractive, successful in my career, own my own house, divorced for 10+ years. We had "history" and commonalities: grew up in the same town (both still live in town and only 1/4 mile away from each other, Uggh!), went to same high school, my Dad knew his brother-in-law, AND my sister dated him back in the 80's and took him to her Senior prom!

The replacement is older (like menopausal) and without going into too much detail, when I found out about his hidden dating profile and confronted him, he said he went on 2 dates with the replacement. I said, well then there must be something you liked. Seeing as though we are obviously "not" in a committed relationship, hmmm, gee, guess I'll have to check out that dating site too! His response was, no, you're the love of my life and the perfect woman for me, she (replacement) had no "depth" (laughable now, cause "he" had not depth!) and was a used up looking dirty blonde going through a diviporce and selling her home... .too much drama (again, LOL!) He's the King of drama! He targets women "going" through a divorce because they are vulnerable! The 3 exes he told me about we're all in the midst of a divorce. He couldn't handle that I was stable, succesful, and independent. Sad, but true.

LettingGo14 and OutofEqypt nailed it... .turn the mirror back on yourself, work on you and understanding why you fell prey to someone with BPD. I know its hard, believe me I was involved with my BPD exbf for 4 years and it's only been 2 months NC. It's been brutal and painful, but I'm determined to learn something about myself through this ordeal.

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Mr Hollande
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« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2014, 03:16:18 PM »

My replacement is much better than I am. According to her anyway. A low level drug dealer who never had employment in his life. I'm heartbroken by the loss of her (or my idea of her anyway) but in terms of any real jealousy or damage to my self esteem... .I'm pretty OK with her choice. I hope she gets exactly what she's bargained for.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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bungenstein
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« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2014, 03:16:53 PM »

Do they not even care about getting with someone that they aren't even physically attracted too? I couldn't do it.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2014, 03:19:35 PM »

My ex could.  She told me how she dated guys who were not very attractive and overweight, almost as a way to prove to me that she isn't superficial and vain.  The current guy she is with looks like he just stepped out of the Shire with Frodo and Sam.  I think the physical attraction is a plus but it is more about if she senses their potential for worshipping her.


That's probably partly why we found ourselves with them.  We idolize and worship the very things they present and put out there to be worshipped for.
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« Reply #17 on: September 04, 2014, 03:24:58 PM »

WOW! OutofEqypt, Lol, Lol, Lol!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ... .I so needed that laugh today!   Lord of the Rings, Frodo and Sam, love it! I refer to my ex BPDbf as "Gollum" myself these days! Two sides, Smeagel=nice, normal and Gollum=turned evil by the ring! 
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #18 on: September 04, 2014, 03:27:59 PM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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enlighten me
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« Reply #19 on: September 04, 2014, 03:35:09 PM »

Do they not even care about getting with someone that they aren't even physically attracted too? I couldn't do it.

My ex wife cheated on me with a guy who had a hair lip and learning difficulties. It wasn't about his looks or personality. It was about how he made her feel. The fact that she was so out of his league probably meant that she had reached an all new level of pedestal to be placed on. She new that she didn't want a relationship with him as he couldn't provide her with everything else (money, image etc etc).

As for my ex wifes new husband. He earns more than me and has a full head of hair but other than that I don't think he's better than me. And as far as she is concerned the cracks are appearing and she keeps talking to me about how bad things are and how moody he is. So the black paint is already out and they've only been married two months.
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Infern0
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« Reply #20 on: September 04, 2014, 03:37:16 PM »

Excerpt


Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.

It was funny because this guy was an orbiter and she used him really bad, he was literally at her beck and call,  he used to follow her around with his head down like a lost puppy, and would go into her work to keep her company just because she could never be alone.

She wasn't very nice about him behind his back and during idealisation I looked at this guy like what a pathetic loser. Literally I wasn't bothered by him in the slightest as I perceived him as a complete non threat.

When she told me she was with him I actually didn't belive it for a couple of weeks because it was so ludicrous to imagine. I mean the guy used to roid (although you wouldn't know it now because he's emaciated) and everyone knows he has shrunken equipment that doesn't work.  

I think I actually laughed and said are you crazy. ...

Truer words
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #21 on: September 04, 2014, 03:37:52 PM »

"The black paint is out".  Haha.  I love it.  My daughter has already been telling me how her mom complains to her about how "stupid" her boyfriend is when he doesn't read all her hints about what she wants.  Ohhh... .here we go.
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« Reply #22 on: September 04, 2014, 03:51:24 PM »

Excerpt


Same, my ex actually admitted she wasn't as attracted to him as she was to me, the only thing she said was better, was that he was taller than me.

It was funny because this guy was an orbiter and she used him really bad, he was literally at her beck and call,  he used to follow her around with his head down like a lost puppy, and would go into her work to keep her company just because she could never be alone.

She wasn't very nice about him behind his back and during idealisation I looked at this guy like what a pathetic loser. Literally I wasn't bothered by him in the slightest as I perceived him as a complete non threat.

I used to think of my exgf's orbiters as lost puppy dogs begging for scraps. I have no proof but I think she cheated on me with one of them. The funny thing is he now has a gf and she is pregnant so he has nothing to do with my ex. She keeps on doing things on FB like challenging him to the ice bucket challenge but he never responds. Well not in public anyway.
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« Reply #23 on: September 04, 2014, 03:51:40 PM »

My ex could.  She told me how she dated guys who were not very attractive and overweight, almost as a way to prove to me that she isn't superficial and vain.  The current guy she is with looks like he just stepped out of the Shire with Frodo and Sam.  I think the physical attraction is a plus but it is more about if she senses their potential for worshipping her.


That's probably partly why we found ourselves with them.  We idolize and worship the very things they present and put out there to be worshipped for.

Quality,  frodo and Sam.

Yeah when I met her i had just gone through some hard times, I'd become chubby and had a dirty beard and was dressing in whatever rags I had lying around. Actually when we started getting closer I got back in the gym, got my eating right and started feeling good again and taking care of myself,  and I think that accelerated the process,  my confidence started to come back and people were complimenting me on losing weight and saying I looked good etc.  She would say "I prefer the old you" and hated it.  I was like what the heck.
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« Reply #24 on: September 04, 2014, 04:02:29 PM »

I'm just recovering from the shock that he found a replacement, something I'd thought he'd never do. I'm also suffering from the shock that he makes me responsible for it. I 'drove him into the arms of her' with my behaviour (picking up smoking again, sorry... .lots of stress, lots of rebellion against his angry outburst just to piss him off... .I know... .bad choice). It is my responsibility that he had to make secret appointments with her. I also didn't have the stamina to listen to his (endless) work-related stories (yes... .had to review his email to his managing director at 7 am straight out of bed, not even awake enough yet). She is very ambitious so he can 'mentor' her and feel good about 'helping someone out' . She is not as moody as I am (no, she doesn't get yelled at all the time for unreasonable things), she's more fun than I am (yes, she doesn't have to hear that's she's stupid, a neurotic little puppy, slow etc.). He told me in my face that he prefers her company to mine.

But anyway, what goes around, comes around. The cycle will repeat, it's just with a different person. I'll have to let go!
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« Reply #25 on: September 04, 2014, 04:03:29 PM »

Speaking of picking partners for their potential to worship. My diagnosed friend is only interested in the shyest of girls. Also, a crazy sexy diagnosed borderline girl I knew as a teenager only chose wimpy nerd kids for boyfriends, while she had more alpha male kind of guys as orbiters. Very interesting. But then, she was at another level. She had one of her orbiters throw acid in her wimpy boyfriends face so no one else would want him. She went to trial and since then I haven't heard from her.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2014, 04:11:59 PM »

Of course... .the "old you" was more controllable, in her eyes.
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« Reply #27 on: September 04, 2014, 04:14:23 PM »

So basically its like having a colostomy bag.
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« Reply #28 on: September 04, 2014, 04:18:56 PM »

For me, it's a constant struggle that I somehow wasn't "good enough" for my uBPD ex gf, who left me for a married man. We had been dating for a year and a half, and our relationship seemed like it was improving right up until she decided to befriend her philosophy instructor. My ex kept insisting that I wouldn't be jealous of him based on his looks or physical stature. She showed me photos on Facebook, and at 5'3" he looked like a troll. What concerned me was her insistence that they had connected emotionally – just as friends mind you – over their "darkness, nihilism, and suicidal ideation" from Facebook chats and texting. The whole thing set off huge warnings, because she claimed our main connection was sexual. She told me he reminded her of people from her hometown, who were poor, dysfunctional, and often criminal, comparing him to her gay best frienemy. She claimed he was a degenerate and that she was at least a partial degenerate, and that they understood each other.

Since she had only been in town around a year and a half to attend college, she had no friends here other than me. At first I agreed to their friendship, but their first meeting outside of class involved getting high together, which completely freaked me out because she had been sober for two years, and of course he was married. An emotional affair quickly insued, and when I insisted on her ending it she did, claiming that he would be a bad influence on her, that he had basically given up on finishing his PhD, and basically given up on everything. She felt pity for him, because he had been suicidal for much of his life and was struggling in his marriage and life in general.

A few days after she agreed to stop seeing him, she changed her mind and told me she felt compelled to continued their relationship, and we broke up. She slept with him a few days later, and then he ended things, claiming he needed to work on his marriage. She begged me back over the course of three days and I agreed to take her back. Two or three weeks later I realize they were still seeing each other, and when I confronted her she dumped me.

I understand that BPDs go through the idealization phase, which I certainly did, but her choice to leave me for him puzzles me. It also leaves me in despair. On paper, the two of us could not be more different. While I am struggling professionally, I am diligent, responsible, and well educated--probably overeducated. According to her he will never finish his PhD, due to his depression and lack of ambition. I am relatively tall and athletic, and would be considered at least reasonably conventionally attractive. He is extremely short, out of shape, and rather homely. And then there's the matter of their drug addiction. Both of them have had serious problems, although she claims now that he has been sober for a few weeks but that she is addicted and a daily user.

After dumping me for him, she told me I was the kindest and most gentle person in her life. She told me I had restored her faith in humanity, and that I was a good person. My replacement seems like a total loser. He left his wife for her after a weeks long affair. As a teenager, he severely injured a passenger in the car that he intentionally crashed into during a suicide attempt, which prompted the BAR to reject him after finishing his law degree. He must be a bright guy to have gotten as far as he did in the PhD program but his depression and motivation will likely prevent him from ever getting a job in academia. His professional opportunities are severely limited. Overeducated, but not qualified to work in his areas of expertise.

The easy answer is to blame drugs for bringing them together, or their emotional instability and dysfunction--or as she puts it, their "darkness." But I find myself fighting the notion that he is somehow a deeper person, emotionally or intellectually, or more accepting then me, or warmer than me, or more open than me, or… Etc. Etc. Etc.

My self-esteem has taken such a severe beating from this, and now I can't stop comparing me to him. It's obvious which one of us she preferred. But why?

Understanding that this is how BPD relationships often work should help me. But it doesn't. I'm interested in how others handle a need to compare themselves to their replacement.

The replacement is a triangulation of the primary r/s if they are still in one. For instance, if they are married or in a committed r/s, the replacement plays the hero to the victim BPD bc his/her primary partner is always at fault for how bad her/she feels ( projection). When the pBPD feels engulfed by the primary partner, they add a third person in triangulation. Abandonment fears from the primary partner move the three people on the mix around the triangle. Victim, hero, villain. The victim, of course, is ALWAYS the pBPD. ALWAYS. Depending on the splitting and willingness to recycle, the 2 others who remain in the triangulation, knowingly or unknowingly, will then be the (good, all white) hero or the bad ( all black) villain. The pBPD will ALWAYS be the victim though. The pBPD is not "at fault" for any of this.

PBPD's never end r/s. They leave a r/s abruptly for another.  This is another result of engulfment where the secondary stages of devaluation and splitting begin. The fear of abandonment. I'll leave you before you leave me. The protection. You're bad and at fault ( pure projection to avoid shame. Why the nons are perplexed).

The replacement could be a garbage can wearing a wig, its not about being a better you or me. Its about being a new source of ONE WAY NEED BASED SUPPLY.

Its about BPD.

Not you.

Its often said that you can perhaps tell a pBPD by the ppl they choose bc they are often too different in many ways. An ackward looking couplehood. Big age differences. Backgrounds.

They don't choose partners in a mature way. They seek.  Supply.

Then they mirror the new supply so fully that they truly believe their new identity. If they never liked milk and the replacement does, they now love milk. They are not faking that. This is how disordered they are in idealization. They have no identity.  Ever. Why they literally mirror and take on the other persons identity.

Then the mirror gets too heavy.  About 3-4 months of holding up that mask is all they can handle.

Engulfment.

Devalue.

Split.

Triangulate.

Wash, rinse, repeat.
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« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2014, 04:42:15 PM »

[The replacement is a triangulation of the primary r/s if they are still in one. For instance, if they are married the replacement plays the hero to the victim BPD bc his/her primary partner is always at fault for how bad her/she feels ( projection). When the pBPD feels engulfed by the primary partner, they add a third person in triangulation. Abandonment fears from the primary partner move the three people on the mix around the triangle.

PBPD's never end r/s. They leave a r/s abruptly for another.  This is another result of engulfment where the secondary stages is devaluation and splitting begin. The fear of abandonment. I'll leave you before you leave me. The protection. You're bad and at fault ( pure projection to avoid shame. Why the nons are perplexed).

The replacement could be a garbage can wearing a wig, its not about being a better you or me. Its about being a new source of ONE WAY NEED BASED SUPPLY.

Its about BPD.

Not you.

Its often said that you can perhaps tell a pBPD by the ppl they choose bc they are often to different in many ways. An ackward looking couplehood. Big age differences. Backgrounds.

They don't choose partners in a mature way. They seek.  Supply.

Then they mirror the new supply so fully that they truly believe their new identity. If they never liked milk and the replacement does, they now love milk. They are not faking that. This is how disordered they are in idealization. They have no identity.  Ever. Why they literally mirror and take on the other persons.

Then the mirror gets too heavy.  About 3-4 months of holding up that mask is all they can handle.

Engulfment.

Devalue.

Split.

Triangulate.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Very well put. And there we are, discarded by the side of the road wondering what the hell happened while trying to pick up the pieces of ourselves.
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« Reply #30 on: September 04, 2014, 04:55:20 PM »

Excerpt
PBPD's never end r/s. They leave a r/s abruptly for another.  This is another result of engulfment where the secondary stages is devaluation and splitting begin. The fear of abandonment. I'll leave you before you leave me. The protection. You're bad and at fault ( pure projection to avoid shame. Why the nons are perplexed).

Soo flippin true, as well as the part about the triangulation.  "I'll leave you before you leave me."  Or as I experienced it... ."I can leave you, but you aren't allowed to leave me."  That's why I never saw any abandonment fears.  However, once I turned the tables and walked away, suddenly I saw them all rise to the surface.  This person who seemed always "one-foot-out", so easy to walk away and replace me with someone else, was suddenly an emotional wreck... .crying, throwing things, depressed, etc. etc.
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« Reply #31 on: September 04, 2014, 05:22:09 PM »

This is such an accurate post! You know this illness well my friend!

"Its often said that you can perhaps tell a pBPD by the ppl they choose bc they are often to different in many ways. An ackward looking couplehood. Big age differences. Backgrounds."

Yep, mine was 19 years younger and way more educated than I am. Not that her education was doing her any good, she had a terrible employment history and couldn't even hold onto part time jobs. We had a mutual love of poetry and literature which is how we met.

"Then they mirror the new supply so fully that they truly believe their new identity. If they never liked milk and the replacement does, they now love milk. They are not faking that. This is how disordered they are in idealization. They have no identity.  Ever. Why they literally mirror and take on the other persons."

Again, yessir! My ex was not supposed to drink coffee because of her anxiety condition, Within weeks she had become a coffee guzzling expert.

"Then the mirror gets too heavy.  About 3-4 months of holding up that mask is all they can handle."

Yep, At about 3 months was when it all started going south!

"Engulfment.

Devalue.

Split.

Triangulate."

Spot on! It's almost like you were watching our relationship LOL

I've often thought of contacting the replacement, which was the guy before me, to tell him "You know she has BPD, here are some links you might like to read" But that would invite her contacting me which I don't want.

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« Reply #32 on: September 04, 2014, 08:45:14 PM »

This raises a question for me. Great thread, by the way. My exbfBPD does NOT have a replacement: that I know of. And what I've read is that "supply" can be things other than r/s such as job, family, money, etc: anything that is an extension and enhancement of their false self. This guy does not seem like a womanizer type--he loves to manipulate women for money, favors, things--he is a BPD waif, so I'm wondering if that changes their need of an r/s; in the end, I think he just wants a mommy: one with money is even better!
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« Reply #33 on: September 04, 2014, 09:12:10 PM »

This raises a question for me. Great thread, by the way. My exbfBPD does NOT have a replacement: that I know of. And what I've read is that "supply" can be things other than r/s such as job, family, money, etc: anything that is an extension and enhancement of their false self. This guy does not seem like a womanizer type--he loves to manipulate women for money, favors, things--he is a BPD waif, so I'm wondering if that changes their need of an r/s; in the end, I think he just wants a mommy: one with money is even better!

Loveofhislife,  pBPDs self soothe with the things you mention, in attempt to fill their feelings of emptiness, that never goes away. Compulsive behaviors,  such as over indulgence in things like over spending to obtain more "things", perhaps gambling, over eating, throwing themselves fully into their jobs and indulgence in keeping themselves always busy, etc.  They also fear abandonment, real or perceived.  I was in a r/s with a waif BPD. He could never be alone. It was terrifying to him.
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« Reply #34 on: September 04, 2014, 09:41:34 PM »

I hope the replacement is better than me.

Otherwise it was an even bigger waste. She hurt many people.

And she's only made it worse for herself, if not.
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« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2014, 10:35:38 PM »

Mine went back to her ex who was a guy with chronically low self esteem. He believed that he was not worthy of anyones attention so is able to put up with her crap no matter what. She used to tell me that "he would never leave me" Imagine being in a relationship where you knew that the reason he stayed was because he didn't think he could ever get anyone else! Talk about crazy land!

Our CrazyLand = BPD's Perfectly LogicalLand

A BPD'S biggest fear is abandonment... .so... hook up with a person whose self esteem is so low he thinks that he can't have anyone else... .PROBLEM SOLVED!  

(NOT!)

My replacement is 15 yrs younger, taller and stronger and good looking... .AND he's an active alcoholic! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #36 on: September 05, 2014, 03:05:25 AM »

A BPD'S biggest fear is abandonment... .so... hook up with a person whose self esteem is so low he thinks that he can't have anyone else... .PROBLEM SOLVED!  

When I met mine, I had relatively recently broken up with my long-term partner of 8 years. It was nothing abrupt and we both had saw it coming so when it happened I wasnt shocked or anything but for a good few months I was low. I suffered from low level depression. When we met the xBPDgf I thought she was a cool girl and we kissed one night but I told her that I wasn't into anything serious because I had recently broken up. She said 'what is is with me and threesomes?' I didn't quite get that... .She explained that she usually ends up with guys that have recenty broken up. Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post). It looks like she was either consciously or unconsciously picking up guys whose self-esteem had taken a hit... .the recently wounded, the easy vulnerable prey. Oy... .The image that coes to my mind when I think of my situation is of one already wounded on the side of the road (from my long-term break-up), slightly limping and trying to cross the road to get some help on the other side and gets run over by a truck (the BPD).
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« Reply #37 on: September 05, 2014, 05:17:55 AM »

This raises a question for me. Great thread, by the way. My exbfBPD does NOT have a replacement: that I know of. And what I've read is that "supply" can be things other than r/s such as job, family, money, etc: anything that is an extension and enhancement of their false self. This guy does not seem like a womanizer type--he loves to manipulate women for money, favors, things--he is a BPD waif, so I'm wondering if that changes their need of an r/s; in the end, I think he just wants a mommy: one with money is even better!

Thanks for this reminder Loveofhislife.  I posted wondering what the outcome of having 'no supply' would be.  The first time I ended things with the BPD he was straight into rebound relationships and trying his hardest to make sure I knew about them (I was relieved, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

This time his circumstances are a little different and it wouldn't be quite so easy to throw himself straight into a rebound relationship, unless it was the last one before he came back to me.

But your post has reminded me, his current 'supply' may actually be his daughter who he will have been spending more & more time with over the school holidays, and he's probably swapped his car/bought a new laptop etc.  So I should be prepared for the fact that he may well try and contact me now the school holidays are coming to a close and his daughter wont be around so much as he cannot be relied on to get her to school.

Mine was a waif type who needed a mummy/carer too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

But in answer to the OP, no, my replacement wasn't 'better than me' as she was distorted enough to stay for a year, then beg for him to keep up a FWB relationship, even offering to pay him to have sex with her. I never saw her, but regardless of whether she was taller/slimmer/prettier/richer I couldn't view her as being 'better.'  There were a few things the BPD said on his return that may have been an attempt to make me feel like she was better, but if she was then why did he abandon her due to boredom?
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« Reply #38 on: September 05, 2014, 05:38:44 AM »

My replacements were "better" than me when I was split black, but obviously when I was back to white I was pedestalled again. It was bizarre to me the first time round - he was angry at me for befriending a VERY good looking guy (seriously - I wasn't interested in him romantically but he had filmstar looks), and so he befriending this woman who had a gorgeous body and was a webcam model. Blonde, bronzed, very fit, had that soft-porn look. We were chalk and cheese - my style is totally totally different, so it was really bizarre to be compared. I'm very brunette and my (very brief) modelling days were in black & white artnude stuff. Yet he was taunting me by telling me he was with a webcam model who had thousands of followers so was better than me. Eh? I've never wanted to do webcam work. How was that rubbing my nose in it?

When he split me white again (coincidentally when it became obvious the webcam model didn't want to date him), he tried to flatter me by saying "how does it feel to know I prefer you to a webcam model with thousand of followers?". Like I was supposed to be grateful. Idiot.

Second time he discarded me he told me that his life had opened up and he had so many avenues open to him now that he was finally free. Turned out the avenues were a couple of dates that didn't work out. After that he was back to idealising me, saying they didn't work out because those people weren't me.

This time I don't think he has a replacement, but I do believe he was grooming one when we split. How did I know? He was on messenger but not talking to me, and when we had a political discussion he had suddenly totally reversed his normal political stance. In the beginning he mirrored me - my beliefs were his beliefs. Suddenly his beliefs were the absolute opposite. And I thought "aha. You're grooming someone who supports *that* political party". It was so obvious. From his Facebook "likes" immediately after we split, I also know that whoever it was was into gardening and jewellery making, because, oh, all of a sudden, so was he.

I'm sure these days EVERYONE is better than me. Lucky I have the self esteem to see it for the BS it is.
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« Reply #39 on: September 05, 2014, 05:45:54 AM »

I'm very brunette and my (very brief) modelling days were in black & white artnude stuff.

Sounds like my type of rebound hehehe 
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« Reply #40 on: September 05, 2014, 05:48:58 AM »

Hahahaha, oh god - maybe all the members of this board should only ever date each other from now on. We might all be co-dependent, OCD, PTSD, FOO types with a tendency to low-level cyber stalk our exes, but at least we don't have BPD.  What could possibly go wrong?
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« Reply #41 on: September 05, 2014, 05:54:19 AM »

Honestly I dont think its a matter of better or worse... .

My replacement is EXACTLY like me! Different face, different body... .Yes (she may be chubbier, shorter... .Beauty is in the eye of the beholder) but I believe she is just like me.

I met my dBPDexf when he was still married. He was married 8-9 months, and he told me all about how crappy their marriage was. How she abused him, belittled him, hit him... .Etc. I fell for it... .Poor him! We triangulated for quite some time, fought for him... .He eventually got divorced and we planned to live our lives together. His ex-wife remained painted black... .(Poor woman)

8-9 months into our (highly dysfunctional) relationship he hooked up with my replacement. I figure he probably told her what a b*tch I was... .Same script, different casting!

She was there for the rescue! He came back to me, ditched her in a terrible way (told me really bad stories about her). But after a few weeks, still went back to her for a fix... .

Now he's with her, not even 2 weeks after break up.

And in 8-9 months another woman will be victimized.

My replacement is not better or worse... .She is the same. Overly nice person that it horrified over how he was treated (all lies, but she wont realize till her time is up)

This woman is very caring, christian, has a history in abusive relationships. Let him move in 3 weeks after they met (he was still with me) bc he said he was out on the streets not able to make rent bc of me! (I paid his rent) he told me he found a new cheaper place he was able to afford himself... .

We are the same woman, his exwife, me and his replacement, we just look different thats all.

Now I have the opportunity to become a different "true" me, like his exwife has done. She has gone totally NC on him, i didnt understand then, thought she was a total b*tch, now I understand... .
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« Reply #42 on: September 05, 2014, 05:58:45 AM »

Excerpt
We are the same woman, his exwife, me and his replacement, we just look different thats all.

Now I have the opportunity to become a different "true" me, like his exwife has done. She has gone totally NC on him, i didnt understand then, thought she was a total b*tch, now I understand... .

Same here. My ex's ex-wife banned him from the house. Now I understand why. I remember during one of his rages, my ex said that he felt sorry for my ex-husband because I treated him so badly and that he saw his own future in that. Now I see that for the projection that it was - my future was what I'd seen happen to his ex-wife. We are all one and the same.
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« Reply #43 on: September 05, 2014, 06:05:26 AM »

We could set up a dating site for BPD survivors. Anyone wanting to join would have to fill out a detailed questionnaire to screen out BPDs because it would attract them like flies Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hahahaha, oh god - maybe all the members of this board should only ever date each other from now on. We might all be co-dependent, OCD, PTSD, FOO types with a tendency to low-level cyber stalk our exes, but at least we don't have BPD.  What could possibly go wrong?

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« Reply #44 on: September 05, 2014, 06:08:42 AM »

[We could set up a dating site for BPD survivors. Anyone wanting to join would have to fill out a detailed questionnaire to screen out BPDs because it would attract them like flies]

Either that, or just set up a dating site purely for people with personality disorders. That would attract all the co-dependents like flies though. And the NPDs would never join anyway as it wouldn't be elite enough. No, there's no way to win.
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« Reply #45 on: September 05, 2014, 06:18:02 AM »

Damn, I broke my no stalking policy and looked at the replacement instagram and something very sinister is going on... .

His hair cut is like mine (he always had long hair) and he is dressing like me when his style was nothing like mine... .

The creepiness factor is just unreal
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« Reply #46 on: September 05, 2014, 06:23:14 AM »

Either that, or just set up a dating site purely for people with personality disorders.

they already have one. it's called okcupid   Smiling (click to insert in post) (just kidding)
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« Reply #47 on: September 05, 2014, 06:30:35 AM »

Dating or anything in relationship to a relationship right now makes me want to 

I think I might adopt a dog and stick with that.
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« Reply #48 on: September 05, 2014, 06:54:56 AM »

My replacement was, I would use the phrase "lower standard" than me by any conventional standards. I honestly was angry, ashame, and worry to the BPD, becos the replacement in my eyes is indeed a loser.

Why? The replacement is fat, poor looking, devious, no stable job, would see herself as a salve and please the BPD in exchange for "love", had a partner of 11 years (since age 19) when they met. I really do think if someone who only have one relationship from 19-30 have some kind of issues, come on we are not living in the 50's with one life one partner mentality! In todays society you really need to encounter a few relationship to learn and grow.

I am open minded and fair and normally dont use strong words to describe people. Ego damage is one thing, but more importantly, was what the replacement n BPD did strongly against my values that made me sick. Close to the end of our relationship, I found out my ex and the replacement were already in a date, and their daily chat conversation 70% involved the ex complaining and degrade me to the replacement. It was like the ex sold our private matters and my dignity to the replacement in exchange for boast up energy to her dark thoughts heading more to one sided perception. Needless to say I was shocked becos the ex seem still cared of me during the few months. More importantly, this lead me to look down on the replacement, becos her function was like a rubbish bin to hold up the negative emotions of my ex of the main person (me)? What are true quality and values do you have apart from being like a dark though validation machine. To make me even sick, my ex praise the replacement to me that (which obviously attempt to generate some kind jealousy) she thought the replacement were so excellent on both arts and athletes. In reality, someone without a stable job n fat like that you call that a sporty person? I couldnt even argue back or told any friends becos I knew so well it was her to provoke jealousy should I fight back their distorted perception and will myself sound like a jealous in the eyes of our mutual friends (should added that she already plaint me a jealous person in the smear campaign) and waiting me to fall into the trap and act in the role in front of audience.

As everyone knows, post break up drama follows. The triangulation drama game took place mainly on her fb. All those subtle devious comments were aimed at tear down my reputation, my ego and self esteem. She was not alone in there, the replacement joined (again ex sold my ego to the replacement boast some energy there so she can torture the replacement longer in later stages). I enjoy free mind and never ever would want to imagine such ugly power game in my family and pure friend/love relationship. I hate my ex put such anger and install such negative perspective in my mindset.

Now she and the replacement was enjoying their pure innocent love dreamland with no enemy (me) and power game.  Oh really, switch identity. I am the one who suppose to have innocent and positive perspective! She finished offload her dark soul to me. The few times she contact me, she comment I have such power game mentality when judging whatever she says and she says she is just an easy going person. Oh yes, because I am conscious, put the ___ to surface; while you just suppress it to your subconscious but so many things you say the true meaning is not on the content but the context. Even now, the times she contact me I still feel the subtle message in her sayings (despising, break my ego wall, challenge my thoughts > to change my perception). I cannot even complain to my friends becos i will degrade my value even more as overly sensitive or somekind of crazy mind.

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« Reply #49 on: September 05, 2014, 07:09:26 AM »

Totally agree with the "she's just like me"; he has three ex wives, but the one who I have met is EXACTLY like me: looks like me too! I swear I think the initial WOW factor for him was our very similar appearance, very similar FOO, and VERY similar occupations and professional experience. Our names are almost identical (except for one letter)--all four of us have names beginning with the letter K, as does his daughter by the first wife. I have so wanted to reach out to his ex primarily to say I'm so sorry for what she went through for 17 years; I know some of it must have been worse than I got. She stood by him (not how he characterized it) while he racked up multiple charges for financial fraud and eventually left her with two little boys while his entitled ___ went to federal prison from where she divorced him--but not until after he was two years into his sentence. She lost nearly everything but her two sons who are impressive young men--they will never understand what a blessing it was to be without him for three formative years. She has taken her life back and seems to be in a MUCH better place. I really just want to say, "You go girl!" And I pray she does not get lured back in. So judging from the past, he'll find someone from an affluent family who has serious FOO issues and self esteem problems. He will find a codependent who wants to help people to her detriment, and how will he lure her? He just wants to HELP her aka needs her to need him!

We are the same woman, his exwife, me and his replacement, we just look different thats all. Now I have the opportunity to become a different "true" me, like his exwife has done. She has gone totally NC on him, i didnt understand then, thought she was a total b*tch, now I understand... .
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« Reply #50 on: September 05, 2014, 07:22:39 AM »

SC91, i can tell you are so very hurt by these events. having your ex use someone else to degrade you and join in their abuse is horrible to endure.

i have a couple suggestions though--do you think you can be grateful that you can see your replacement as "lower standard"? what i mean is, i was in a similar situation. in that as you say by any conventional standards my replacement just wasn't on the same level. it wasn't just my opinion but everyone was kind of shocked at who she was with. however i could see it for what it was. she wanted and needed to be with someone who she could control and deceive. and i actually felt sorry for the guy. i knew on the outside that my ex was way out of his league and that she was just using him to try and embarrass me and soothe her own tumultuous emotions. you are dealing with the extra drama since your ex has recruited the replacement to make negative comments about you and play the game. but you also have to see that the replacement is being lied to and used, to hurt you--take pity on this person. because after your ex is tired of attacking you and using the replacement to do so, they are going to completely trash the replacement.

for me the most painful part of seeing my ex with the replacement was that i was forced to see my ex in a different light. i always looked at her with a lot of respect, but then when she was with this corny guy within weeks... .i mean, it was embarrassing. i was like, ok, *this* is the woman i thought was so attractive? she gives it up to a guy like this and is completely in love? and it hurt, a *lot*.

i learned, brutally, that my ex wasn't worth so much at all. yet i never allowed myself to demonize the replacement. i think often times demonizing the replacement is a way that we, the non, avoid devaluing our exes. we talk about how horrible the replacement is, so that we can avoid the even more painful realization that our exes are actually sleeping with this person. and if they are with this person and idealizing them so much, then what does that say about us? well, it says nothing about us. but it doesn't feel this way all the time. my suggestion is to take the energy you are directing towards devaluing the replacement (who is really only a victim) and devalue your ex and the false person they show to the world. this is harder to do but closer to the truth, and will help push you closer to detachment.
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« Reply #51 on: September 05, 2014, 08:19:35 AM »

i learned, brutally, that my ex wasn't worth so much at all. yet i never allowed myself to demonize the replacement. i think often times demonizing the replacement is a way that we, the non, avoid devaluing our exes. we talk about how horrible the replacement is, so that we can avoid the even more painful realization that our exes are actually sleeping with this person. and if they are with this person and idealizing them so much, then what does that say about us? well, it says nothing about us. but it doesn't feel this way all the time. my suggestion is to take the energy you are directing towards devaluing the replacement (who is really only a victim) and devalue your ex and the false person they show to the world. this is harder to do but closer to the truth, and will help push you closer to detachment.

I was there as well. Couldn't understand why she would want a bottom feeder like him around. I saw him as someone who had been sniffing around her while pushing and manipulating and for that I wanted to break his jaw. Maybe he did manipulate but all I can know for sure is that I don't care anymore. There were times I wanted to hurt him badly but I am indifferent to him now. Whatever he is he will soon walk through the same warzone I did if he isn't already. I imagine them having sex - I feel nothing. I imagine them crawling into bed together for the night and falling asleep embracing each other like she and I used to do - I feel no jealousy. I accept that it was she who played me and quite beautifully so. My hatred has been firmly transferred to her and her alone.
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« Reply #52 on: September 05, 2014, 08:20:57 AM »

SC91, i can tell you are so very hurt by these events. having your ex use someone else to degrade you and join in their abuse is horrible to endure.

i have a couple suggestions though--do you think you can be grateful that you can see your replacement as "lower standard"? what i mean is, i was in a similar situation. in that as you say by any conventional standards my replacement just wasn't on the same level. it wasn't just my opinion but everyone was kind of shocked at who she was with. however i could see it for what it was. she wanted and needed to be with someone who she could control and deceive. and i actually felt sorry for the guy. i knew on the outside that my ex was way out of his league and that she was just using him to try and embarrass me and soothe her own tumultuous emotions. you are dealing with the extra drama since your ex has recruited the replacement to make negative comments about you and play the game. but you also have to see that the replacement is being lied to and used, to hurt you--take pity on this person. because after your ex is tired of attacking you and using the replacement to do so, they are going to completely trash the replacement.

for me the most painful part of seeing my ex with the replacement was that i was forced to see my ex in a different light. i always looked at her with a lot of respect, but then when she was with this corny guy within weeks... .i mean, it was embarrassing. i was like, ok, *this* is the woman i thought was so attractive? she gives it up to a guy like this and is completely in love? and it hurt, a *lot*.

i learned, brutally, that my ex wasn't worth so much at all. yet i never allowed myself to demonize the replacement. i think often times demonizing the replacement is a way that we, the non, avoid devaluing our exes. we talk about how horrible the replacement is, so that we can avoid the even more painful realization that our exes are actually sleeping with this person. and if they are with this person and idealizing them so much, then what does that say about us? well, it says nothing about us. but it doesn't feel this way all the time. my suggestion is to take the energy you are directing towards devaluing the replacement (who is really only a victim) and devalue your ex and the false person they show to the world. this is harder to do but closer to the truth, and will help push you closer to detachment.

Mine used her replacement to degrade me in public repeatedly and he played along, too... .HOW SICK IS THAT?  Are we in 7th grade?

It was effective, it really hurt... .but what made me rally was that "I" don't treat people that way... .EVER!  When she is alone she will try to walk up to me like everything is like it always was... .I always just put my head down in disgust and walk around her. Not a word, no engagement.  How can I love myself and interact with that? (No fake conversations for me, thanks!)... . They are really sick... It is pathetic, really. It makes it so much easier to love you and keep them OUT of your life!  I just would rather be alone and enjoying the things in my life that I love than be in that psycho drama.
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« Reply #53 on: September 05, 2014, 08:28:33 AM »

I think I might adopt a dog and stick with that.

That's what I did, it's working well as the dog doesn't like most men and is uber protective.  He is my BS detector, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: September 05, 2014, 08:32:51 AM »

So so true Infrared!

I had the same experience! As soon as my exBPD cycles back to me and I took him back (STUPID!) the replacement and the exwife teamed up together to harras and stalk me.

They sent me pictures with my ex and her in bed together... .Did a nice smear campaign on FB, even threathn my life. I NEVER reacted to it, stood above the high school drama.

In retrospect I cant be sure how much me ex had to do with that and instigated that... .He must have loved the female war around him... .Cause eventhough it was negative... .It all revolved around him. I dont blame these women, i dont agree with their actions at all, but I dont know what they have been told about me. The ex wife went out of her way to tell me he was NPD, in a really spitefull ___ed up way.

I am really curious how the ex wife and replacement co-excist now. They were best friends when I was the scapegoat, now the replacement is back with him... .Must suck for the ex wife!

I just dont bother myself with the drama. They can all do and think what they want. I dont hate these women, i dont know what they were told... .

Im just glad im out of the kindergarten drama!
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« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2014, 10:24:45 AM »

Hey,  Suspicious1, I love your post! I have often thought that! We are intelligent,  articulate, and there are some awesome people on this forum!  We should do a post BPD dating group Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #56 on: September 05, 2014, 11:08:47 AM »

Why the hell would any of us want to date again?

Can you really trust love or somebody who claims they love you ever again ?

I don't think I can.

I've lost the trust.

Lost the faith.

And realize that there is only one person in this world that has my best interest at heart ... .and that is myself.

Thank you BPD for helping me realize how Eff'ed up I have been in trying to be kind, loving, warm, caring and loyal.
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« Reply #57 on: September 05, 2014, 02:05:15 PM »

I can say no she did not improve. the first time she left me she ran back to her ex. after six months she came running back to me.  she was still seeing the ex behind my back . after about two months of living together she would tell me that she was seeing the ex again and I put up with it . so she left me again for the ex. we went two years with out seeing each other nc. then one day we ran into each other . she told me that the ex was cheating on her and kicked her out .so like a dumb butt I took her back . we lived together for a year and a half . guess what?  she was still seeing the ex. so we broke again and this the last time because I kicked her out this time.

now she is seeing a friend of mine . I told her why are you doing this? all you will do is hurt her . just like u have everybody else.

every one of her partner have been to the mental hospital .

every one of her partners she has left just to come back too.

everyone of them she has broke.

everyone of them has ptsd

she allows her son to abuse everyone of us.

we are all very addict to her.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones because I no all of the exs because we was friends before lovers.

so no they are not any better. and if they are with them they are going to go through the same hell as every one of us went through. just wait you will here about it soon enough.
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« Reply #58 on: September 05, 2014, 02:46:08 PM »

My uBPD ex gf showed me pictures of him on Facebook during their "friendship" phase so that I wouldn't be jealous of him. He's not a great looking guy. At age 33, he had only been with two women and his life, including his wife.

Two weeks after she left me for him I had been standing on the street, talking to a drop out of the same PhD program that I knew he was in. I had met this guy a few times, but this was a completely random occurrence, bumping into him on the street like that. As we are talking, up walks this little troll of a man and the two of them greet each other. I would have never known my replacement if I had simply passed him on the street, but when I realize they knew each other, I felt my heart sink. Here was my replacement.

I was so stunned but I did manage to ask if he knew my ex by name. He smiled and said "oh yeah, I know ____."  I told him that until two weeks ago, she had been my girlfriend. I also told him I should knock his teeth out. He simply said "I hope you don't," and then walked away.

Really? This guy? She must either think he is brilliant, or a degenerate, drug addicted screw up like her. Or maybe both. It just seems awfully strange to see a really cute woman with this ogre of a man. It's a beauty and the beast type thing. Me, on the other hand? I was "boring" --but no, really, in a good way.

I talked to her a couple of weeks ago, and now she spends half of her day in bed, sleeping off the drugs she took the night before. She is also suffering from very high anxiety and depression, although she could be working the pity angle. Funny how a depressive would have never been concerned about causing her former significant other to lapse into a depression from her lying, gaslighting, cheating, and two month long recycling between the two of us. But I guess she's "happy" now.
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« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2014, 02:49:12 PM »

Last time I saw my exgf she was complaining about her ex husband being an A hole. He is in a relationship with an exgf of his and they seem very happy. I guess this is why as he wants nothing to do with her. Maybe she was wanting to recycle him and he rejected her.

I felt sorry for him as he ended up with depression before she left him. They were together for 6 years and it has made me wonder how they lasted so long.

After reading this post I now realise that he was probably more guilable than me and more easily manipulated. Im a fairly intelligent guy and she had me tied up in knots so I guess with him it was a lot easier.
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« Reply #60 on: September 05, 2014, 05:19:54 PM »

There a so many wise words spoken/written by (Senior) members/Ambassadors about our journey, which still help me remember where I started and where I am today! Despite the fact of knowing BPD a few yrs. before the end of the r/s.

Thanks to ALL!

For those who have a long way to go, please absorb this knowledge like a sponge and keep concentrating on you! Regularly you will be astonished about the distance already left behind.

Questioning the replacement better or not than you.

For those who can need it for the road ahead, some quotes from the past on this Board.

# pwBPD do love, crave for it, do what is needed to get it. It fills up their loneliness.   

# pwBPD are like chameleons. When the audience is gone, they sees to exists.

# after the passion of new love subsidies pwBPD become bored and move on. If they choose to stay (fear of abandonment) the struggle begins, ending in outbursts out of fear for that same abandonment

# The disorder always wins

# by leaving you first pwBPD controls the demolition, otherwise they lose themselves.

# pwBPD love without measure those whom they soon hate without reason

# "They take with no conscience, and leave with no remorse as an emotional 4 year old” –Livia-


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For years someone I loved once gave me boxes full of darkness.
It made me sad, it made me cry.
It took me long to understand that these were the most wonderful gifts.
It was all she had to give
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« Reply #61 on: September 05, 2014, 05:32:53 PM »

SC91, i can tell you are so very hurt by these events. having your ex use someone else to degrade you and join in their abuse is horrible to endure.

i have a couple suggestions though--do you think you can be grateful that you can see your replacement as "lower standard"? what i mean is, i was in a similar situation. in that as you say by any conventional standards my replacement just wasn't on the same level. it wasn't just my opinion but everyone was kind of shocked at who she was with.

It was a very hurtful experience. A betrayal by someone who used to be so close. At this stage of recovery I am simply allowing myself to feel all those emotions, rather than think through them. My situation may be slightly different in that, during the time we were together, the close intimacy was on intelligence level rather than romantic love. This was how I felt, my Ex may had different feeling.

English is not my first language, I try to present as clearly as possible.

I am the kind of people who has low level of tolerance on injustice, say if I read a news of some unjust events it tend to heat me up a little, or when I encounter unjust events happening to a stranger on the street, I will speak out. These things dont happen daily and I am not trying to be a hero or such, its just my natural response.

Same as you I never demonize the Replacement either, not because I consciously do not allow such, I just simply dont have that deep feeling at all. Now, I may sound devalue to the Replacement by using the word "lower standard" and yes I really do feel that way. The feeling/judgement comes from my core value. Regardless of whether I personally was involved in the drama, even if to a stranger or if the drama was about a friend's friend, I will still have the same feeling, and judging based on that person's behaviour. I suppose anyone who has conscience will view the same.

Do I pity the Replacement or sympathy of it being used by my Ex? No!  And I will explain why. On a balanced review, the Replacement was not some really bad people, just being weak and had perhaps kind of stockholm syndrome. As I read the chat conversations between Ex and the Replacement, in the beginning short period like a few weeks or such, when my Ex started to complain me to the Replacement, the Replacement did not actively involved in the smear but just kindly agreed. Then I saw a pattern of my Ex started to show frustration to the Replacement and the Replacement was some kind of panic, trying to comfort and explain here or there, then the setting turns into the Replacement actively echo and joined in the smear campaign in the following months. As if some kind of brain washed. I hate it because 1) the Replacement made the whole situation became more complex by delivering energy to a monster ex; 2) my Ex miss the chance of true self discovery (by shifting the negative emotion to someone else than to face it). Now I may sound a little narcisstic ego but if I were in the Replacement position, I would detach from Ex right at the beginning becos no sane flirting relationship started off in being like a salvery absorbing the master's negative emotion right? I know my values and could easily find another one to date for happy positive interactions. Ignorance is not an excuse. I shall also add that this Replacement, although has a stable 11 years partner, has a history pattern of seducing others by using the same means i.e. help offload the lover negative emotion of the main in exchange for intimacy. This kind of person do not deserve my respect (on spiritual level), nor sympathy/pity (on emotional level), nor treat as an enemy in the triangulation (on intelligence level).   

So why am I still so frustrated. Because the whole thing just stir up lots of emotions messy feelings! On one hand I had to gather my energy to fight against the brain washing/twist my perception of my Ex's demon side, on the other I am a human and have these nature humanity emotions like compassion, sympathy etc. And I am not talking a month or a week, the whole drama and emotional roller coaster ride last more than a year! That exhausted all my energy (And yes I am aware, its about me myself here). Looking back the "Higher Me" saved me from psych collapse/brain wash by an Ex who were in the sociopath mode. For that I really grateful my parents good education since young save me from hell.
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« Reply #62 on: September 05, 2014, 06:34:27 PM »

I will exam more of my messy feelings stir up by the relationship during the different stages:

2 years relationship --

Ex always validate/comfort/love bombing me in ways as if I was an innocent child. We had lots of conversation about life, philosophy, politics, academic etc etc. Apart from intellectual argument, we had no argument on emotional level, or to be accurate I was actually the one who ocassionally got fed up of this and that daily life matters, Ex did not show her dark side reaction to my actions or sayings.

How I felt/view -- Inspiring, Little personal emotional development (basically I felt Ex feed my ego by endless validation rather than myself growth), Uncomfortable sometimes (becos a normal person would have emotions), Little emotional intimacy (I just couldnt touch the deep her and she didnt to me either, I shall add that I m an empath hence the depth of my sentimental needs are higher than apath), Put a thin emotional wall to myself (becos I didnt seem to find Ex ultimate kindness and values, despite she talk about them all the time)

Few weeks before official break up ---

found out Ex dated the Replacement and the shocking months-long chat conversation between them.

How I felt/view -- Disappointed, shock, disrespect (Ex and Replacement), Guilt (not caring Ex enough), Anger (shouldnt you show your hate to me than talk to a third party?), betrayal, loss of trust, sad (becos of due separation)

One month after break up ---

I put my anger to Ex whenever she call/email, demand apology, Ex play victim role in front of me while escalate smear campaign behind my back.

How I felt/view -- Lonely, My co-dependency tendency, Anger, Compassion, Sad, Caring

This is a crucial point. Because had I hold less core value, less co-dependency tendency then I would just stop answering the calls. Had Ex a normal person then would just accept mistake and no further drama. Both could just move on.

After break up 18 months drama ---

Smear campaign, Triangulation. Ex involved the Replacement and her friends to insult me on fb nearly daily basis. Meanwhile Ex tried to get sympathy from me and one of our mutual friend explaining her hurt. I eventually stop replying to Ex but light cyber stalk to Ex profile.

My actions ---

Like another poster said I did not react to the drama at all becos, intellectually I so aware any reactions would just feed their ugly enjoyment. But on emotional level I have normal human feelings that I had nowhere to release them! I could not fight back Ex (for reason above), I could not tell friend, its difficult to explain to someone and I expected any answers would be "just forget it, just ignore it". But hey we are human right? How could you cut someone who used to be so close with like a delete button on a computer?

How I felt/view -- Shame (private life were put on a show), Hope (one cannot be demon in such a way does it. A psychic wall aim to destroy someone you used to care so much? Unheard of!), Compassion, and a whole bunch of feelings

Without a doubt I have my own issues like co-dependent tendency, strong hold to my core values, overly curious, feeling loss, lonely, lower self esteem etc etc but nothing too extreme.

Looking back I do think if I engage only on romantic intimacy with Ex then it would all be easier. I would have just anger feeling and that anger lead to NC and a full stop.

Will I feel a relieve knowing the Replacement would be treated the same? NO, not at all. I not care what and how the Replacement would be treated, or punished, there is no satisfaction comes from seeing the Replacement suffer. My whole concern it means Ex not improving/learnt/enlightened, struggle whole life for peaceful mind, and its real sad!

True reason I did not take part in the 18 months drama: 1) It just fed more energy to the devil (look here how Ex influence my choosing of words, before this I never would use "devil" to describe a human); 2) I wont reward the devil and can resist it, otherwise Ex would just repeat n repeat the sociopathic tricks in whole life believing this devious dark acts are the only way to survive which is not true!

What these entail in me? Tired, Lots of energy devoted to keep up my spirit, constantly conscious guard my core value perception and never back down, struggle to detach from my natural human emotions becos it will distract me from seeing the whole picture.

I am also aware I am a little off balance by being on the "White" position spiritually for so long. As a normal human like me, I also have some little dirty negative thoughts which I need a way to release them.

And yes on an analysis level, I seem like project my own values onto Ex here and expected her to follow my values my way. But I think its pointless to take this view. Because if we keep further analysis philosophically then all human interactions are projection, all human feelings/judgement/opinions are but selfish perception.

God, after all these kind of psychoanalysis, analysis down each interaction > particular feeling > particular emotion > particular phrase term. Everything is so boring scientific and I really hate it becos I am a normal human brain/mind and not a robot!






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« Reply #63 on: September 05, 2014, 06:56:23 PM »

SC91, i can tell you are so very hurt by these events. having your ex use someone else to degrade you and join in their abuse is horrible to endure.

i have a couple suggestions though--do you think you can be grateful that you can see your replacement as "lower standard"? what i mean is, i was in a similar situation. in that as you say by any conventional standards my replacement just wasn't on the same level. it wasn't just my opinion but everyone was kind of shocked at who she was with.

It was a very hurtful experience. A betrayal by someone who used to be so close. At this stage of recovery I am simply allowing myself to feel all those emotions, rather than think through them. My situation may be slightly different in that, during the time we were together, the close intimacy was on intelligence level rather than romantic love. This was how I felt, my Ex may had different feeling.

English is not my first language, I try to present as clearly as possible.

I am the kind of people who has low level of tolerance on injustice, say if I read a news of some unjust events it tend to heat me up a little, or when I encounter unjust events happening to a stranger on the street, I will speak out. These things dont happen daily and I am not trying to be a hero or such, its just my natural response.

Same as you I never demonize the Replacement either, not because I consciously do not allow such, I just simply dont have that deep feeling at all. Now, I may sound devalue to the Replacement by using the word "lower standard" and yes I really do feel that way. The feeling/judgement comes from my core value. Regardless of whether I personally was involved in the drama, even if to a stranger or if the drama was about a friend's friend, I will still have the same feeling, and judging based on that person's behaviour. I suppose anyone who has conscience will view the same.

Do I pity the Replacement or sympathy of it being used by my Ex? No!  And I will explain why. On a balanced review, the Replacement was not some really bad people, just being weak and had perhaps kind of stockholm syndrome. As I read the chat conversations between Ex and the Replacement, in the beginning short period like a few weeks or such, when my Ex started to complain me to the Replacement, the Replacement did not actively involved in the smear but just kindly agreed. Then I saw a pattern of my Ex started to show frustration to the Replacement and the Replacement was some kind of panic, trying to comfort and explain here or there, then the setting turns into the Replacement actively echo and joined in the smear campaign in the following months. As if some kind of brain washed. I hate it because 1) the Replacement made the whole situation became more complex by delivering energy to a monster ex; 2) my Ex miss the chance of true self discovery (by shifting the negative emotion to someone else than to face it). Now I may sound a little narcisstic ego but if I were in the Replacement position, I would detach from Ex right at the beginning becos no sane flirting relationship started off in being like a salvery absorbing the master's negative emotion right? I know my values and could easily find another one to date for happy positive interactions. Ignorance is not an excuse. I shall also add that this Replacement, although has a stable 11 years partner, has a history pattern of seducing others by using the same means i.e. help offload the lover negative emotion of the main in exchange for intimacy. This kind of person do not deserve my respect (on spiritual level), nor sympathy/pity (on emotional level), nor treat as an enemy in the triangulation (on intelligence level).   

So why am I still so frustrated. Because the whole thing just stir up lots of emotions messy feelings! On one hand I had to gather my energy to fight against the brain washing/twist my perception of my Ex's demon side, on the other I am a human and have these nature humanity emotions like compassion, sympathy etc. And I am not talking a month or a week, the whole drama and emotional roller coaster ride last more than a year! That exhausted all my energy (And yes I am aware, its about me myself here). Looking back the "Higher Me" saved me from psych collapse/brain wash by an Ex who were in the sociopath mode. For that I really grateful my parents good education since young save me from hell.
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« Reply #64 on: September 05, 2014, 06:57:33 PM »

I will exam more of my messy feelings stir up by the relationship during the different stages:

2 years relationship --

Ex always validate/comfort/love bombing me in ways as if I was an innocent child. We had lots of conversation about life, philosophy, politics, academic etc etc. Apart from intellectual argument, we had no argument on emotional level, or to be accurate I was actually the one who ocassionally got fed up of this and that daily life matters, Ex did not show her dark side reaction to my actions or sayings.

How I felt/view -- Inspiring, Little personal emotional development (basically I felt Ex feed my ego by endless validation rather than myself growth), Uncomfortable sometimes (becos a normal person would have emotions), Little emotional intimacy (I just couldnt touch the deep her and she didnt to me either, I shall add that I m an empath hence the depth of my sentimental needs are higher than apath), Put a thin emotional wall to myself (becos I didnt seem to find Ex ultimate kindness and values, despite she talk about them all the time)

Few weeks before official break up ---

found out Ex dated the Replacement and the shocking months-long chat conversation between them.

How I felt/view -- Disappointed, shock, disrespect (Ex and Replacement), Guilt (not caring Ex enough), Anger (shouldnt you show your hate to me than talk to a third party?), betrayal, loss of trust, sad (becos of due separation)

One month after break up ---

I put my anger to Ex whenever she call/email, demand apology, Ex play victim role in front of me while escalate smear campaign behind my back.

How I felt/view -- Lonely, My co-dependency tendency, Anger, Compassion, Sad, Caring

This is a crucial point. Because had I hold less core value, less co-dependency tendency then I would just stop answering the calls. Had Ex a normal person then would just accept mistake and no further drama. Both could just move on.

After break up 18 months drama ---

Smear campaign, Triangulation. Ex involved the Replacement and her friends to insult me on fb nearly daily basis. Meanwhile Ex tried to get sympathy from me and one of our mutual friend explaining her hurt. I eventually stop replying to Ex but light cyber stalk to Ex profile.

My actions ---

Like another poster said I did not react to the drama at all becos, intellectually I so aware any reactions would just feed their ugly enjoyment. But on emotional level I have normal human feelings that I had nowhere to release them! I could not fight back Ex (for reason above), I could not tell friend, its difficult to explain to someone and I expected any answers would be "just forget it, just ignore it". But hey we are human right? How could you cut someone who used to be so close with like a delete button on a computer?

How I felt/view -- Shame (private life were put on a show), Hope (one cannot be demon in such a way does it. A psychic wall aim to destroy someone you used to care so much? Unheard of!), Compassion, and a whole bunch of feelings

Without a doubt I have my own issues like co-dependent tendency, strong hold to my core values, overly curious, feeling loss, lonely, lower self esteem etc etc but nothing too extreme.

Looking back I do think if I engage only on romantic intimacy with Ex then it would all be easier. I would have just anger feeling and that anger lead to NC and a full stop.

Will I feel a relieve knowing the Replacement would be treated the same? NO, not at all. I not care what and how the Replacement would be treated, or punished, there is no satisfaction comes from seeing the Replacement suffer. My whole concern it means Ex not improving/learnt/enlightened, struggle whole life for peaceful mind, and its real sad!

True reason I did not take part in the 18 months drama: 1) It just fed more energy to the devil (look here how Ex influence my choosing of words, before this I never would use "devil" to describe a human); 2) I wont reward the devil and can resist it, otherwise Ex would just repeat n repeat the sociopathic tricks in whole life believing this devious dark acts are the only way to survive which is not true!

What these entail in me? Tired, Lots of energy devoted to keep up my spirit, constantly conscious guard my core value perception and never back down, struggle to detach from my natural human emotions becos it will distract me from seeing the whole picture.

I am also aware I am a little off balance by being on the "White" position spiritually for so long. As a normal human like me, I also have some little dirty negative thoughts which I need a way to release them.

And yes on an analysis level, I seem like project my own values onto Ex here and expected her to follow my values my way. But I think its pointless to take this view. Because if we keep further analysis philosophically then all human interactions are projection, all human feelings/judgement/opinions are but selfish perception.

God, after all these kind of psychoanalysis, analysis down each interaction > particular feeling > particular emotion > particular phrase term. Everything is so boring scientific and I really hate it becos I am a normal human and not a robot!




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goldylamont
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« Reply #65 on: September 06, 2014, 02:32:48 PM »

SC91, thank you for explaining your situation more. I must apologize as I don't think I was very clear when trying to make my point. Our situations in relation to the replacement are much different, since you experienced a year of smearing where your replacement was actively involved. In my case my ex's relationship with the replacement only lasted 4 months (contrasted to our 4 years), despite her public and private projections that he was the love of her life. and at least to my knowledge he never publicly tried to smear me. So, I didn't have to deal with the replacement as much as you did. I would have felt the same and would take little pity on the replacement if I was in your shoes.

What I meant to say was this: The original question of this post is "Was your replacement 'better' than you?". And i think the general consensus is that it doesn't matter--if your partner had BPD it really doesn't matter who the replacement is because the root of the problem is the pwBPD. There are some of us (like both you and I) where it's very obvious our replacements aren't more attractive partners on any level. So before, when I suggested we could be grateful for this--what I am saying is that I am grateful that it was easy to see in this case that it wasn't me that caused all the issues. If my replacement had been some great person, it may have been harder for me to figure out if I was the problem. This is one of the biggest lies a pwBPD tells--they say that the replacement they are with is so much better than the ex. And they use this to smear the ex's name. So in my case I'm grateful that it was so obvious to me that this wasn't true, so that I never bought into this LIE.

I hope this helps clarify things and my apologies if this wasn't clear from my initial post. From your responses I can totally understand your reactions and emotions about the issue.
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Penumbra66
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Relationship status: Dated ex for 1.5 years; single as of July 19, 2014
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« Reply #66 on: September 06, 2014, 03:25:13 PM »

What I meant to say was this: The original question of this post is "Was your replacement 'better' than you?". And i think the general consensus is that it doesn't matter--if your partner had BPD it really doesn't matter who the replacement is because the root of the problem is the pwBPD. There are some of us (like both you and I) where it's very obvious our replacements aren't more attractive partners on any level. So before, when I suggested we could be grateful for this--what I am saying is that I am grateful that it was easy to see in this case that it wasn't me that caused all the issues. If my replacement had been some great person, it may have been harder for me to figure out if I was the problem. This is one of the biggest lies a pwBPD tells--they say that the replacement they are with is so much better than the ex. And they use this to smear the ex's name. So in my case I'm grateful that it was so obvious to me that this wasn't true, so that I never bought into this LIE.

My ex never claimed my replacement was "better" than me – only that he was "different." She also said there were things she liked about both of us. But as you realized, the crux of the question is really "did I do something wrong or could I have done something differently? How did I not measure up?" My replacement seems like a total screw up, and what pains me the most is that the misery of their lives is what causes them to turn towards each other for solace and peace. Thus, I'm assuming they have that deep emotional connection that she seemed to think was lacking in our relationship, but seemed so central to me. They are also far, far to the left, and I think she's found an intellectual and philosophical connection as well.

How ironic that these "do gooders" could be so blindly destructive and self-centered.

By visiting these boards, we begin to intellectually understand how the nature of their disorder brought an end to our relationships, and we realize that their relationship with our replacements will be doomed to many of the same distresses and dysfunctions. Still, I would say for almost all of those here we still ultimately ask ourselves "what was wrong with me?" When I can begin to accept that the answer is "nothing that could have saved this relationship" I will begin to feel peace. Until then, I'm sticking around.
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sirensong65
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« Reply #67 on: September 06, 2014, 09:03:51 PM »

Why the hell would any of us want to date again?

Can you really trust love or somebody who claims they love you ever again ?

I don't think I can.

I've lost the trust.

Lost the faith.

And realize that there is only one person in this world that has my best interest at heart ... .and that is myself.


Thank you BPD for helping me realize how Eff'ed up I have been in trying to be kind, loving, warm, caring and loyal.

And this is exactly where I am as well.  I hit pay dirt, two BPD's in a row.  Thought being set up by a friend and NOT finding someone online would prove better results.   Turns out she didn't know him that well and was stunned by what he did.

I'm actually doing quite well this time around.  Four weeks out and I have to say I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.  No pressure, no worries, no nagging suspicions, no jumping through hoops.

I'm focused on me, my career, my kids, my hobbies.  I am learning to truly embrace being out of the dating rat race and all that it encompasses.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything good... .

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Infern0
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« Reply #68 on: September 06, 2014, 09:07:50 PM »

Why the hell would any of us want to date again?

Can you really trust love or somebody who claims they love you ever again ?

I don't think I can.

I've lost the trust.

Lost the faith.

And realize that there is only one person in this world that has my best interest at heart ... .and that is myself.


Thank you BPD for helping me realize how Eff'ed up I have been in trying to be kind, loving, warm, caring and loyal.

And this is exactly where I am as well.  I hit pay dirt, two BPD's in a row.  Thought being set up by a friend and NOT finding someone online would prove better results.   Turns out she didn't know him that well and was stunned by what he did.

I'm actually doing quite well this time around.  Four weeks out and I have to say I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.  No pressure, no worries, no nagging suspicions, no jumping through hoops.

I'm focused on me, my career, my kids, my hobbies.  I am learning to truly embrace being out of the dating rat race and all that it encompasses.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything good... .

I would just say try not to become a cynic and rule out ever meeting someone awesome. Work on yourselves and you will attract someone worthy of you and you of them.

If you become cynical and untrusting, then you have been conditioned and BPD has beaten you and made you less

Don't let it win, become something more. Find love for yourself and that will keep the asss away and only good people will enter your life
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SC91

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Posts: 33



« Reply #69 on: September 06, 2014, 10:52:24 PM »

SC91, thank you for explaining your situation more. I must apologize as I don't think I was very clear when trying to make my point. Our situations in relation to the replacement are much different, since you experienced a year of smearing where your replacement was actively involved. In my case my ex's relationship with the replacement only lasted 4 months (contrasted to our 4 years), despite her public and private projections that he was the love of her life. and at least to my knowledge he never publicly tried to smear me. So, I didn't have to deal with the replacement as much as you did. I would have felt the same and would take little pity on the replacement if I was in your shoes.

What I meant to say was this: The original question of this post is "Was your replacement 'better' than you?". And i think the general consensus is that it doesn't matter--if your partner had BPD it really doesn't matter who the replacement is because the root of the problem is the pwBPD. There are some of us (like both you and I) where it's very obvious our replacements aren't more attractive partners on any level. So before, when I suggested we could be grateful for this--what I am saying is that I am grateful that it was easy to see in this case that it wasn't me that caused all the issues. If my replacement had been some great person, it may have been harder for me to figure out if I was the problem. This is one of the biggest lies a pwBPD tells--they say that the replacement they are with is so much better than the ex. And they use this to smear the ex's name. So in my case I'm grateful that it was so obvious to me that this wasn't true, so that I never bought into this LIE.

I hope this helps clarify things and my apologies if this wasn't clear from my initial post. From your responses I can totally understand your reactions and emotions about the issue.

Hi Goldylamont, no need to apologise becos I wasnt really answering your question with a rational mind, but rather myself a little overwhelmed by my emotions these days. Thanks for reading through my messy long replies indeed. It really help me someone there understand my positions becos this is the first time I put all these up, than dealing it myself. Thanks again.

I agree with you that the general consensus here is that we dont actually care much about the Replacement.

This site is helpful in that we nons can share our thoughts, views, experience and emotions. I do appreciate active senior members who write so we can get more balanced view without going to extreme. Had I engage in this site two years ago I think I would recover faster. Nevertheless, thats life. And hope that when i reach full recover I can share my experience with newer members to help out each other.    Smiling (click to insert in post)




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enlighten me
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #70 on: September 06, 2014, 10:58:57 PM »

Why the hell would any of us want to date again?

Can you really trust love or somebody who claims they love you ever again ?

I don't think I can.

I've lost the trust.

Lost the faith.

And realize that there is only one person in this world that has my best interest at heart ... .and that is myself.


Thank you BPD for helping me realize how Eff'ed up I have been in trying to be kind, loving, warm, caring and loyal.

And this is exactly where I am as well.  I hit pay dirt, two BPD's in a row.  Thought being set up by a friend and NOT finding someone online would prove better results.   Turns out she didn't know him that well and was stunned by what he did.

I'm actually doing quite well this time around.  Four weeks out and I have to say I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.  No pressure, no worries, no nagging suspicions, no jumping through hoops.

I'm focused on me, my career, my kids, my hobbies.  I am learning to truly embrace being out of the dating rat race and all that it encompasses.  I don't feel like I am missing out on anything good... .

Ditto 2 back to back BPD relationships. 16 1/2 years of my adult life not knowing what a relationship is truly meant to be like.

Now Im enjoying the time I can spend with my kids. Sorting out my finances. Doing the things I want to do that make me me!

Not fused about dating and not really in a position to due to my job. One day I may put myself back out there but to be honest Im enjoying the solitude with no stress.
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SC91

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« Reply #71 on: September 06, 2014, 11:03:34 PM »

They are also far, far to the left, and I think she's found an intellectual and philosophical connection as well.

How ironic that these "do gooders" could be so blindly destructive and self-centered.

Right, the one i met is quite intellectual on philosophy, or metaphysics to be more exact, as those things are "more blur". I suppose my interest in philosophy also draws me in to her. The two BPD women i met also seem to be "Left" on political view. Perhaps in their eyes the Right wing means conservative > traditional values > more control.


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topknot
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« Reply #72 on: September 07, 2014, 12:50:06 AM »

Sorry to disagree with some of you above, but I have met someone amazing, solely by accident, who is wonderful, caring, and loves me for my heart and who I am.  Just saying, I was totally not looking, but it can happen out of the blue.  Yes, there ARE good people out there who want to contribute to your life in a positive way, not suffocate you, and help to make your life better.  I never once thought I would give up for good.  This person, like others in my life, said my smile is infectious.  That tells me I didn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, and I CAN recover.
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Artisan
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« Reply #73 on: September 08, 2014, 02:55:05 PM »

Yup, that is how it starts out.

They look amazing. In every way.

Then in time, the true personality is revealed. 
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