Can you ever forgive your BPD ex now you know they were ill?

[peiper]

Initially, I thought I could forgive and eventually find compassion toward my ex.  That moment faded as quickly as I considered it - and I couldn't feel more at peace.  Maybe not yours, but my ex is more psychopath than BPD.  I will need to do a lot of work to forgive myself (as I'm constantly disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be played and staying) and have compassion for me as I heal and those around me who deserve my compassion in their direction as well.  My uBPD/ASPDexH does not and will not ever be granted a single bit of anything from me ever again.  All forgiveness and compassion WILL be in MY (deserving) direction only.

Now you've read and understood about BPD and how it may have effected your ex, can you forgive them for the way they treated you?

Although I believe my ex may have suffered from BPD, reading about this subject has helped me to ease my anger towards her, which is necessary as I need to have very limited contact with her. But for the cheating, lying and abuse of me, I don't think I ever will forgive her.

Is this normal or should I just let go?

That's a very good point. I also haven't forgiven myself for letting this happen. That's going to take a little more time. Without an apology and remorse from her the answer is NO. And I know I'll never get either, so I'm not going to worry about it.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I'm sure eventually I will. Because it's just a burden to hate/be angry forever. And although those serve a purpose now, I hope eventually I can heal enough to just let it go, for my benefit, not hers.

[going places]

Forgiveness, is for me.

I must forgive him, and all the things he did.

For me, not him.

I cannot hang onto, ruminate over, marinade in the past.

I have to look at it with my 'logical' brain, and say: Forgive, and let go.

IMHO unforgiveness only hurts me.

I am in the process of forgiving.

I WANT too. I know I NEED too.

Some days, the anger / hurt over rules... .but those days, by the Grace of God, are fewer and further between.

[Deeno02]

Forgiveness, is for me.

I must forgive him, and all the things he did.

For me, not him.

I cannot hang onto, ruminate over, marinade in the past.

I have to look at it with my 'logical' brain, and say: Forgive, and let go.

IMHO unforgiveness only hurts me.

I am in the process of forgiving.

I WANT too. I know I NEED too.

Some days, the anger / hurt over rules... .but those days, by the Grace of God, are fewer and further between.

Well said. However, I'm doing what she did for me. Forget about her. I have neither the energy or wherewithal to give her any more time or effort. She is dead to me.

[guy4caligirl]

They should forgive themselves before we forgive them.

[Mutt]

They should forgive themselves before we forgive them.

That's quite a tall order for a person with a serious personality disorder and distorted belief system. This is mental illness. Forgiveness is a choice. Find forgiveness for yourself first then choose if you want to forgive.

[Infared]

They should forgive themselves before we forgive them.

For them to forgive themselves, they would have to admit that they did something wrong, FIRST! :-)

This is a disease of self-centeredness. pwBPD see no wrong-doing on their part. Ever. There is nothing but blame placing. All the time. They are a victim... .of us, there evil step mother or whoever.

Just ask them.

[Craydar]

Do I forgive her? No. I'm not going to give her a free pass because she shows traits of BPD. She doesn't care anyway, she's moved on. People need to take responsibility for their actions. I don't hate and I don't condemn,  and I'll accept it as a reason for the dysfunction. I just won't openly forgive.

[BuildingFromScratch]

They should forgive themselves before we forgive them.

For them to forgive themselves, they would have to admit that they did something wrong, FIRST! :-)

This is a disease of self-centeredness. pwBPD see no wrong-doing on their part. Ever. There is nothing but blame placing. All the time. They are a victim... .of us, there evil step mother or whoever.

Just ask them.

I dunno, mine never admitted to doing anything specific that's wrong. But she told me not to blame myself on her way out, that she's sorry for everything, that she feels bad for leaving/hurting me. It's rare, but it does happen. She also said she thinks getting molested is what messed her up so bad, right before she moved out with the other guy. I think they kind of know, they just can't admit it 99% of the time, it hurts too much.

[SlyQQ]

General thought is if they know which most sought of do its there fault like a priest who likes teenagers ( bad example but all i could think of apologies ) it is up to them to stop an get treatment if they dont know it is sought of hard to blame them difficult call

[guy4caligirl]

I would rather say that they knew they were mentally ill from the get go , when we first met them , they played with their famous honey moon hooked us tight , made sure we got addicted, manipulated us "that little girl wants to be rescued and feel so good with you are her protector and she is a victim of abuse ( Made me think about this Have you notice that they can smell the goodness in us hence they won't get close to a bad guy maybe just for 5 minutes sex ) Then they show how ill they are .

Now does that fall under FRAUD yes , they stole our privacy sneaked in and sucked our emotion till we ran out and then what ... .They dropped us like nothing was ever there .

I assure you conscience or not they know exactly what they do , you don't think by now after so many brake ups Replacement after replacement ... .now do you think that they didn't figure out they have a problem ? Of course they do but they cover that up by switching the blame on us so they go on fresh to the next saying they were a victim of abuse with their ex and give a hint to the new guy recue me please (do you remember you were there once )

And the cycle continues ruining more people's life .

[Infared]

I would rather say that they knew they were mentally ill from the get go , when we first met them , they played with their famous honey moon hooked us tight , made sure we got addicted, manipulated us "that little girl wants to be rescued and feel so good with you are her protector and she is a victim of abuse ( Made me think about this Have you notice that they can smell the goodness in us hence they won't get close to a bad guy maybe just for 5 minutes sex ) Then they show how ill they are .

Now does that fall under FRAUD yes , they stole our privacy sneaked in and sucked our emotion till we ran out and then what ... .They dropped us like nothing was ever there .

I assure you conscience or not they know exactly what they do , you don't think by now after so many brake ups Replacement after replacement ... .now do you think that they didn't figure out they have a problem ? Of course they do but they cover that up by switching the blame on us so they go on fresh to the next saying they were a victim of abuse with their ex and give a hint to the new guy recue me please (do you remember you were there once )

And the cycle continues ruining more people's life .

YES!

[Mutt]

Thanks for participating. You're welcome with starting a new thread on this topic. The thread is now locked.