Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
October 20, 2021, 02:28:27 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Bridge-burners vs. Recyclers  (Read 5750 times)
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #30 on: November 16, 2014, 09:34:09 AM »

My take on the topic is this... .and the awareness REALLY let's me know how sick my ex still is... .

I am not going to get into all of the particulars... .we have all read the horrific accounts...

... Basically... .my ex didn't burn the bridge... .she blew it up with hydrogen bombs... .REPEATEDLY... .

... .and then... .at any given moment... .she might try to walk up to me in a parking lot, do a multiple drive-by or leave a note on my car... .as if NOTHING had ever happened.

There seemed to be absolutely no awareness of all of the lies, cheating, smearing, cruelty and acting out in public with my replacement.

I am not perfect... .but I deserved none of it... .and I did not play into ANY of the drama or act out, even when she announced she was leaving me and that there was no one else...  I never touched her or even called her a name.

The fact that a human being could do the things she did and then seem to have no awareness of the effect on someone... or that why that person would not want to interact with them for any reason at any time ever again.  It isn't just a huge ego, either. It has got to be serious mental illness.

It would kind of be like Adolf Hitler flying over to England sometime in 1945, getting out of a plane and driving by Winston Churchill's 5 times and then texting him to see if he could come out and ride bikes with him to come out and play.    That is what I have witnessed.   It baffles the mind.
Logged
lipstick
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 374



« Reply #31 on: November 16, 2014, 09:49:57 AM »

I'm really not sure which category my ex falls into. I was dumped in October of 2012. He tried to "friend" me on Facebook in December of 2013 (after over a year of Silent Treatment). I didn't accept the request. Silly me - I was waiting for some type of communication / explanation! I was then blocked for not accepting the request. As far as I know - I'm still blocked. I don't check

I'm told that the ex is now on FB constantly and has been since around the beginning of this past October. Joined a FB photography group and I guess they're all his new "besties".   Smiling (click to insert in post)  He's been posting pictures this past week of the places he and I visited while we lived together. Also posting pics of his "favorite" things - items I purchased for him as gifts. And the "Private Name / Private Number" calls have started again since the beginning of October.

So I don't really know which one he is... .perhaps he's just strolling down a BPD version of "Memory Lane".  Whatever.   
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #32 on: November 16, 2014, 10:05:42 AM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.
Logged

Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #33 on: November 16, 2014, 10:13:53 AM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

I will tell you straight up. You got to get them there first. And that, in itself is the problem.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #34 on: November 16, 2014, 10:28:17 AM »

And if you get them there they have to see it through.

My ex wife has started therapy. Whether she sticks with it is another question.

My exgf on the other hand see's not fault in herself or actions so unless she hits rock bottom I doubt she will seek help.
Logged

Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #35 on: November 16, 2014, 10:35:28 AM »

And if you get them there they have to see it through.

My ex wife has started therapy. Whether she sticks with it is another question.

My exgf on the other hand see's not fault in herself or actions so unless she hits rock bottom I doubt she will seek help.

Don't think mine will either. She just replaced me with the new guy, then he will be devalued and on to the next. The cycle will continue...
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #36 on: November 16, 2014, 10:50:47 AM »

Hi deeno

what type was yours? Waif, queen, witch, hermit?
Logged

myself
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3151


« Reply #37 on: November 16, 2014, 12:42:44 PM »

My ex would do both. Burn the bridge, I'd rebuild it, we'd recycle. She'd burn the bridge again, etc. The last time it happened I basically said, "I'm here for you but you need to make your own way back." She alternated between "No I'm never returning" and "It's your fault I'm not there," still trying to recycle me from a distance but without much real effort. Too lost/ashamed. So in the end she watched me walk away. Her actions reminded me of kids throwing tantrums to get their way, then gloating awhile before throwing another fit about something else. She did it before being with me and will be doing it after. There's no way for us to reach each other anymore, that bridge can no longer be rebuilt. Like the r/s, it's been abandoned.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #38 on: November 16, 2014, 12:46:05 PM »

Hi deeno

what type was yours? Waif, queen, witch, hermit?

Evolving. Started as waif, I was the knight in shing armor. Then progressed to queen and ended with witch.
Logged
Bak86
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 351



« Reply #39 on: November 16, 2014, 01:00:01 PM »

I dont even know what type mine is anymore. I think she was a waif/hermit, but now she seems to be socializing 24/7 and happy as ___. So hermit doesnt seem logical.
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #40 on: November 16, 2014, 01:21:36 PM »

I dont even know what type mine is anymore. I think she was a waif/hermit, but now she seems to be socializing 24/7 and happy as ___. So hermit doesnt seem logical.

My  ex keep insisting  that that's the best decision she made in her life by leaving me and brag so much about her new guy makes laugh 24 hours a day  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

But she is broke no dime to her name and don't ask that replacement  
Logged
guy4caligirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 692


« Reply #41 on: November 16, 2014, 01:22:33 PM »

Hi deeno

what type was yours? Waif, queen, witch, hermit?

Evolving. Started as waif, I was the knight in shing armor. Then progressed to queen and ended with witch.

DEENO , I love this one you made me smile 
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #42 on: November 16, 2014, 03:06:37 PM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

I actually told my ex how badly she was treating and hurting me. Her reply was something like, "Yeah right, whatever". Kind of like I was lying about it. I honestly think that she doesn't give a damn either way.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2014, 03:22:54 PM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

I actually told my ex how badly she was treating and hurting me. Her reply was something like, "Yeah right, whatever". Kind of like I was lying about it. I honestly think that she doesn't give a damn either way.

I really dont think they do realize it. Its part of the system. I would voice things like why we dont go out with other couples, stuff like that, and it would either be ignored or my fault. The things she would say were hurtful and finally, i just became numb and kind of like a drone. Jusg went along with it, took my ass whipping monthly (you dont treat me special, do so, or lose me). Yep...
Logged
fred6
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 808



« Reply #44 on: November 16, 2014, 03:55:56 PM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

I actually told my ex how badly she was treating and hurting me. Her reply was something like, "Yeah right, whatever". Kind of like I was lying about it. I honestly think that she doesn't give a damn either way.

I really dont think they do realize it. Its part of the system. I would voice things like why we dont go out with other couples, stuff like that, and it would either be ignored or my fault. The things she would say were hurtful and finally, i just became numb and kind of like a drone. Jusg went along with it, took my ass whipping monthly (you dont treat me special, do so, or lose me). Yep...

If you tell someone that they are hurting you, how can they not realize it? It's really pretty straight forward as far as communication goes. I guess that I'm thinking with a logical mind, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #45 on: November 16, 2014, 04:05:48 PM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

I actually told my ex how badly she was treating and hurting me. Her reply was something like, "Yeah right, whatever". Kind of like I was lying about it. I honestly think that she doesn't give a damn either way.

I really dont think they do realize it. Its part of the system. I would voice things like why we dont go out with other couples, stuff like that, and it would either be ignored or my fault. The things she would say were hurtful and finally, i just became numb and kind of like a drone. Jusg went along with it, took my ass whipping monthly (you dont treat me special, do so, or lose me). Yep...

If you tell someone that they are hurting you, how can they not realize it? It's really pretty straight forward as far as communication goes. I guess that I'm thinking with a logical mind, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)... .

Yup
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #46 on: November 16, 2014, 04:07:14 PM »

I think thr fact that we are painted black when they are hurting us leads them to feel they are being defensive and not offensive. Their perception of their behaviour is totally flipped.
Logged

Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #47 on: November 16, 2014, 04:39:47 PM »

I think thr fact that we are painted black when they are hurting us leads them to feel they are being defensive and not offensive. Their perception of their behaviour is totally flipped.

Yes, and the majority of what we are being blackened for are so minor, they would be a blip in a normal healthy relationship.
Logged
Capo

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 8



« Reply #48 on: November 16, 2014, 06:37:32 PM »

When being replaced, I remember saying "I hope you realize how badly you are treating me." Her response was along the lines of "yes i do, how could i not when you keep reminding me"

So she was playing the victim card despite the fact she was the one who had been carrying on an emotional affair and had been stringing me along. Does this sound like typical BPD behaviour?
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #49 on: November 16, 2014, 06:45:29 PM »

When being replaced, I remember saying "I hope you realize how badly you are treating me." Her response was along the lines of "yes i do, how could i not when you keep reminding me"

So she was playing the victim card despite the fact she was the one who had been carrying on an emotional affair and had been stringing me along. Does this sound like typical BPD behaviour?

Yep. It was always about her. Always... .
Logged
Infern0
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #50 on: November 16, 2014, 06:58:18 PM »

With mine if I told her she's hurting me she would say "fine,  blame me if that makes it easier for you"

The closest I ever got to empathy would be "that makes me feel really bad"

Never any genuine concern or remorse for me.  And of course when she'd say those things I'd always say no its fine etc.

Very clever
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #51 on: November 16, 2014, 07:12:53 PM »

With mine if I told her she's hurting me she would say "fine,  blame me if that makes it easier for you"

The closest I ever got to empathy would be "that makes me feel really bad"

Never any genuine concern or remorse for me.  And of course when she'd say those things I'd always say no its fine etc.

Very clever

Yep, apologize profusely and take the blame. I think she only said sorry once to me for yelling at me... .
Logged
DangIthurts
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 181


« Reply #52 on: November 16, 2014, 08:05:00 PM »

I've not looked at her social media in 4 days since I was told "I wasn't the one", "text me whenever"... .  Last two days were ROUGH, just been running, and running to get past it. Got done about 13 miles yesterday. I didn't do anything but play video games Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

And ther than her making her presence known on some mutual friends pages that I'd not unfriended, which seemed like they were made to get my attention or at least let me know she's around... .Even though I'm reading too much into it and probably means nothing... .

But on point, I actually envy you guys who get recycled in some strange way... .Its like they can't let go of you guys where as for me, All I did both emotionally, commitment wise, and monetarily, its like it didn't matter, last year was just a speed bump, an after thought. I honestly feel like having games played on me would be more of an indication I was worth something than poof gone.
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #53 on: November 16, 2014, 09:23:23 PM »

When being replaced, I remember saying "I hope you realize how badly you are treating me." Her response was along the lines of "yes i do, how could i not when you keep reminding me"

So she was playing the victim card despite the fact she was the one who had been carrying on an emotional affair and had been stringing me along. Does this sound like typical BPD behaviour?

Absolutely... .that was mine's play with EVERYONE... .all the time... .and everyone buys it ... .hook line and sinker while they are being manipulated by a steely cold expert.  Always the victim... .poor me.  Bull___.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #54 on: November 16, 2014, 09:34:17 PM »

When being replaced, I remember saying "I hope you realize how badly you are treating me." Her response was along the lines of "yes i do, how could i not when you keep reminding me"

So she was playing the victim card despite the fact she was the one who had been carrying on an emotional affair and had been stringing me along. Does this sound like typical BPD behaviour?

Absolutely... .that was mine's play with EVERYONE... .all the time... .and everyone buys it ... .hook line and sinker while they are being manipulated by a steely cold expert.  Always the victim... .poor me.  Bull___.

Exactly. Mine was the same. Got off on being a stay at home mom of 5 whose bad husband left her! Boo hoo! Instead of showing an example of a strong woman, it was always everyone fawning over her while she played the deck. Hell I was even half jokingly threatened by her girl friends "you better not hurt her!"... .what a bunch of BS.
Logged
Infared
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1763


« Reply #55 on: November 16, 2014, 09:37:49 PM »

Infrared

one thing I have read a lot on sites for pwBPD is that they dont realise theyre hurting people. I have read a number of accounts where their therapy starts working and they become overwhelmed with the hurt they have caused. it may seem far fetched to us nons but bearing in mind how much they are in denial tgen i can quite believe it.

How can a person lie, cheat and run off with new supply a week before Christmas and leave a confused, upset bewildered man feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas Tree alone and not know that they are hurting that person. ... and she did know she was doing something very selfish and wrong, because why else would she be lying  to every single person in her life including her T.  To me it looked like a total mastermind manipulation to get something that she decided that she wanted and F everyone... .she got it.  She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Exactly. ... and it certainly wasn't the first time.
Logged
KeepOnGoing
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 135


« Reply #56 on: November 16, 2014, 10:17:22 PM »

It sounds like a majority of people on the forums have exes who have returned to their lives off and on. This might be be a mixed blessing depending on the condition of your self-esteem.

As for my ex - she seemed to have no compassion for the people she'd dated prior to me, all of whom she dumped abruptly after getting overwhelmed or scared or "bored." I would ask, ":)o you still communicate with them?" and she'd wrinkle her nose and say No. But I also know that they were good to her and there generally wasn't a lot of drama, other than her being an erratic, unsettled, self-absorbed waif.

But once we'd broken up the final time, despite telling me I was the first man she loved, I knew in my heart I would never hear from her again. I was reduced to Just Another Ex. I had been nothing but nice to her. But my mere existence after the breakup seems like a trigger for her shame. I think deep down she knows how she's treated people and sabotaged relationships. I have to believe on some level, she knows it's highly dysfunctional.

Anyway. The bridge-burner and total lack of silence vs. a crazy ex who resurfaces occasionally. Which is worse?

This is my situation exactly -the waif- history of severed, never to hear from again friends and family, but not always. I keep thinking a recycle is going to blindside me when I least expect it. I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering what I will say, knowing that saying very little -if anything at all -will be best. I feel I have healed much faster with this bridge burner. My experience in the past with an ex who would recycle was hell. Good luck to you.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!