Thoughtless gifts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I read recently that NPD partners can give very thoughtless gifts as a way of telling you what they mean to you.

I remember sitting one xmas (at her families home of course) to be given a terrible xmas present. All her sisters had swapped kind thoughtful gifts with their husbands. My wife then presented me with my gift. A mobile phone cover, the type that you see at a flea market, which wasn't even for my brand of phone. She has spent weeks and plenty of my cash buying gifts for all her family members.

She saw perfectly well how much this gift hurt my feelings but as it was presented in front of her family of course I could say nothing. She didn't even look at me for a reaction, her face didn't move. Afterwards when I asked her about it, of course, I was made out to be a materialistic s.o.b for having a feeling about it at all.

This was one of a series of crap gifts and ruined birthdays with rages.

What irritates me most is how childish a way this is to be show disdain for someone. Why would you want your family to think you think so lowly of your partner, even if you do. Esp as everyone there knew that it was my money that bought all their gifts. I can understand NPD/BPD want you to look bad but don't they care how cruel they look to others? She was always trying to embarress me in public. I just find her now so pathetic.

[Trog]

I read recently that NPD partners can give very thoughtless gifts as a way of telling you what they mean to you.

I remember sitting one xmas (at her families home of course) to be given a terrible xmas present. All her sisters had swapped kind thoughtful gifts with their husbands. My wife then presented me with my gift. A mobile phone cover, the type that you see at a flea market, which wasn't even for my brand of phone. She has spent weeks and plenty of my cash buying gifts for all her family members.

She saw perfectly well how much this gift hurt my feelings but as it was presented in front of her family of course I could say nothing. She didn't even look at me for a reaction, her face didn't move. Afterwards when I asked her about it, of course, I was made out to be a materialistic s.o.b for having a feeling about it at all.

This was one of a series of crap gifts and ruined birthdays with rages.

What irritates me most is how childish a way this is to be show disdain for someone. Why would you want your family to think you think so lowly of your partner, even if you do. Esp as everyone there knew that it was my money that bought all their gifts. I can understand NPD/BPD want you to look bad but don't they care how cruel they look to others? She was always trying to embarress me in public. I just find her now so pathetic.

[goateeki]

Along those lines, every gift given to her had to reflect huge amounts of thought and consideration.  I was lectured on the importance of buying her greeting cards only from Hallmark or American Greetings, once I was told the minimum amount of money I had to spend on those cards, and I was warned repeatedly to get to the card store at least ten days in advance of major holidays so that I could be assured a wide selection. 

It was also explained to me that she would accept flowers only from one particular florist and if she did not get flowers from that florist, she did not want them.

I would be given exhaustive gift lists for every gift giving event, and if I did not get something from her list, it was a problem.  She would routinely throw out or donate to charity gifts that I gave her that were not on her approved gift list.  In recent years, I gave her gift cards, and this was a problem too (of course!).

I have to be honest.  I feel a kind of hatred for this person and the non-stop crap I was given for nearly two decades.  I was a fool.  I would never do these things to another human being, but that's because I'm me.     

[Elpis]

My husband got so that in the last several years he'd just ignore the birthday or mother's day or whatever, and then give me a lot of something weeks after, thinking i would think that was "cute." Or at least that's how he tried to present it.

[eyvindr]

Popular topic of discussion. Already a thread on this most egregious of holidays here: February 14th is coming

And here's last year's take: Valentine's Day... .blech

I plan to abstain. Boycott. I'm skipping it. You can, too!

[ShadowIntheNight]

Early on her gifts weren't bad, but it made her angry to have to spend money on me. The only people she didn't resent spending money on were her kids, but even as they got older she let them know how much their things cost. The last time she was telling me about it, I remember thinking she sounds like she resents it!

By the end of our relationship, it would have been better off if she hadn't wasted her money. The things were clearly not thought out and looked like they were picked up at the last minute. It astonished me over 9.5 yrs that instead of her gifts getting more meaningful, they were more like thoughtless nick knacks. I assure you, her friends were given quite thoughtful gifts. She'd always tell me how much effort she put into them. Everything she ever gave me fits into a 14x14 box in my closet. That should tell you a lot.

This is another thing that leads me to believe she may be BPD. She was always doing what she could to "persuade" people of her kindness, loyalty, and thoughtfulness as a friend. Healthy people are that way without busting their tail to do it.

[goateeki]

She was always doing what she could to "persuade" people of her kindness, loyalty, and thoughtfulness as a friend. Healthy people are that way without busting their tail to do it.

I am amazed at how many similarities there are between my experiences and the experiences of others here.  My dBPDxw would actually woo people with gifts -- women in particular -- of the overtly sentimental kind you find in a stationery store.  Scented candles with "You're a beautiful human being" (that notion) inscribed on them, etc.  This sort of thing never ends.  And off she goes to cement another relationship of the exact type and kind she maintained when she was 12 or 13 years old. 

It's sad, when you really get down to identifying the features, and you can no longer debate the quality of what you've been dealing with for so long.

[Maternus]

The gifts I got from my uBPDexgf always were things I won't buy as birthday present for someone I love. It was always something "we" needed, like a pan, a meat knife, a barbecue - most of it was kitchenware.

[eyvindr]

Yep.

Early on her gifts weren't bad... .

By the end of our relationship, it would have been better off if she hadn't wasted her money. The things were clearly not thought out and looked like they were picked up at the last minute. It astonished me over 9.5 yrs that instead of her gifts getting more meaningful, they were more like thoughtless nick knacks.

Same here. Pretty much, she literally logged into Amazon Prime, ordered up a bunch of stuff, and had it delivered. I don't even know what drove her choices -- maybe she just picked an arbitrary budget and then ordered stuff until she was maxed out. I mean, it's the thought that counts, but who needs a bunch of mindless crap?

But -- whoops! -- there I go, being my ungrateful self again... .

[Popcorn71]

My xBPDh did not buy me a gift and give it to me.  After the event he would take me shopping for something i wanted.  It totally took the shine off every occasion for me because he never put any thought into it.  The worst time was when i chose some jewellery.  he let the shop assistant get it out and i tried it on.  then he said he did not have enough money and i had to pay.  yet he had given his sons girlfriend an expensive gift just days before.  i think he did it to make me look stupid and to stop me choosing anything expensive again.  yet he liked to make out to others that he was wealthy even though he wasnt.

[eyvindr]

Ugh. BS like this is good to remember any time we start waxing sentimental over these r-ships. No one deserves this kind of second-rate treatment.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not always the world's best gift-giver (I mean well, but I can be a flake), so I really have no room to judge anyone else's abilities. 

My exBPDbf, on the other hand, is actually a really good gift-giver, thoughtful and observant and generous. And that's not just to me, but to family and other people he cares about. He's a very giving person in that regard - and doesn't expect a lot of praise or recognition over it.

Maybe it's manipulative, one way of ensuring attachment. (I have no doubt that's a part of it.) But honestly... .he is a human being, who cares and loves and tries in his way... .giving to friends and family is one of the few things that brings him pure happiness, and I'm not going to take that away from him.

[eyvindr]

That's nice, happy. I'm glad you shared it. Really, my ex was a great giver for the first year of our r-ship. She may have tended to overdo it -- but I admit she did make me feel special the first time. They aren't all bad.

[ADecadeLost]

Mine saw gift giving as a competitive event.  It was constant comparisons.  How much I spent on her.  How much she spent on me.  What my brother spent on his wife.  And often most importantly, if there was any preceived "unfairness" in the amount/type/cost of gifts given to the various children & spouses by my parents.

It always made for a frustrating event with easily predictable outcomes.  I had not spent enough on her (even though I always broke the bank), My brother spent more on his wife (even when he didn't), and my mother clearly favored my sister-in-law in her gift giving decisions (even if they received the same gift).  Fun, fun time.

[HappyNihilist]

That's nice, happy. I'm glad you shared it. Really, my ex was a great giver for the first year of our r-ship. She may have tended to overdo it -- but I admit she did make me feel special the first time. They aren't all bad.

Oh, don't worry... .there are plenty of bad stories, too.

But I'll give him good gift-giving. 

[cloudten]

If I was even lucky enough to get a gift, it was horrible! Most of the time no gift. Or a "life experience"... .dinner out... .which we did all the time anyway. Not that I didn't appreciate it. I did... .but it was never anything with extra thought or effort.

Ok... .so this year for xmas I spent an obscene amount of money that I shouldn't have spent on him. We loved to cook together and he was buying a new house. I bought him very expensive kitchen knives, a cutting board, and some other kitchen stuff.

Guess what he gave me? You'll never guess. A create-a-mate kit. (If you don't know- Google it not on a work computer)... .not one kit... .but two! TWO!  what the heck... .for xmas? I acted "excited" but how much more NPD can one be?    My only regret now besides spending stupid money on him is that we didn't make the create a mate before we broke up. Jkjk. But what the heck am I supposed to do with it (them) now? Anybody need one? I have 2 for sale!

Btw- when I last left his place... .I grabbed a few of the things I bought him for xmas and took them with me. He didn't deserve all that. All he deserved was a middle finger.

[Whitebread]

Gifting occasions were always such an ordeal for him... .he actually admitted at one time he has so much trouble choosing a gift because he has to ask himself is he buying it for someone else, or because HE wants it.

Maybe that explains the Christmas I got a snow shovel.  Really.  And an IOU for snow tires, which I finally got 3 yrs later. 

Birthdays were usually a dinner out, which was a non event since he is a bit of a gourmet so we would go out alot.  And while the bill would easily go over $150., I simply didn't eat or drink anywhere near half that... .but, he did. 

In 10 yrs. I got one birthday card and one bouquet of flowers.  Not on the same years.

But I certainly gave thoughtful complicated gifts of things he'd always wanted... since he had no family and no one else to make him feel special.  HE liked to have birthday weeks when his came around... .dragging out the festivities for himself. 

Since we were newly broken up at Christmas this year I spoiled myself... .spending what I'd set aside for him on me and my dogs.   Best holiday in a long long time!   

[eyvindr]

Whitebread --

Unbelievable. Though, I have to say -- if her were really "a gourmet," you'd go out less, because he'd've insisted on preparing the meals for you both in his own kitchen.

Since we were newly broken up at Christmas this year I spoiled myself... .spending what I'd set aside for him on me and my dogs. Best holiday in a long long time!   

Funny how that works, huh? That's a great idea -- I'm glad you did it for yourself. You deserve it.

[Vatz]

My ex was actually a really good gift-giver. I mean, wow.

On my 24th birthday, she gave me 24 greeting cards. All of them were kinda funny. Some were romantic, others had puns, cartoon animals and what have you. It was one of those warm and fuzzy feeling gifts.

She got me a Rigby hat (from regular show.) A Lego stormtrooper keychain, which I threw away after the breakup. I really loved that thing, too (I LOVE stormtroopers.)

She got me a Doctor Who comic book, with the 11th Doctor (my fave.) I cried because it was just... .such a cool gift. I never took it out of the packaging. After she was gone, I gave the book to my niece (mint condition) because I couldn't have it in my home. It made me sad. But the kid loves the show so I instead gave the comic book to her.

I got her a game for her DS (Radiant Historia) because she'd been talking about taking up a new JRPG.

I got her a PS2 and Kingdom Hearts, it was more of a sentimental gift as she used to own a copy but it got lost. She was super thrilled that day, man her face lit up. There were other little various gifts I got her that she appreciated. Although some it was like "Oh my god! Thanks" and then she never really picked it up again. I never really took that as an insult though, because not everything is gonna be a hit.

I was even going to give her a little X-rated gift, something she'd mentioned that I figured we might try. I thought of how to set it up so it worked out for the both of us. I was gonna surprise her on her birthday. Too bad.

Seriously she was the best at giving gifts. Usually very generous with her money when she had it.

Looking back at everything, I realize why I stayed so long. She was my best friend. When she wasn't abusive, or unfaithful I could not ask for a better buddy/girlfriend. The gifts thing was just a small part of what made my BPDEx so special to me. I treasure those memories and hope to find someone who gets me like she did.


Anywho, yeah she was a kickass gift-giver. It was like a talent or something.

[cloudten]

Looking back at everything, I realize why I stayed so long. She was my best friend. When she wasn't abusive, or unfaithful I could not ask for a better buddy/girlfriend. The gifts thing was just a small part of what made my BPDEx so special to me. I treasure those memories and hope to find someone who gets me like she did.


Anywho, yeah she was a kickass gift-giver. It was like a talent or something.

Aw- I know how it is. He was my best friend... .he will probably always be my best friend. Fortunately i don't really truly care about gifts... .I would have given up every gift for the rest of my life if I could have just had the good times without the bad- I still would if he was capable of changing. But the bad times were just so bad.

[Vatz]

Looking back at everything, I realize why I stayed so long. She was my best friend. When she wasn't abusive, or unfaithful I could not ask for a better buddy/girlfriend. The gifts thing was just a small part of what made my BPDEx so special to me. I treasure those memories and hope to find someone who gets me like she did.


Anywho, yeah she was a kickass gift-giver. It was like a talent or something.

Aw- I know how it is. He was my best friend... .he will probably always be my best friend. Fortunately i don't really truly care about gifts... .I would have given up every gift for the rest of my life if I could have just had the good times without the bad- I still would if he was capable of changing. But the bad times were just so bad.

This.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[eyvindr]

Yup.

Aw- I know how it is. He was my best friend... .he will probably always be my best friend. Fortunately i don't really truly care about gifts... .I would have given up every gift for the rest of my life if I could have just had the good times without the bad- I still would if he was capable of changing. But the bad times were just so bad.

This.

Couldn't have said it better myself.