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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Let's talk about Cornering Questions  (Read 1638 times)
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« on: July 05, 2020, 08:51:33 AM »


I've run across an issue that isn't well documented here on BPDfamily.

I've done a little research (reading and video watching) and I think our first step should be a working definition and let's gather examples of cornering questions.  Once we have a good sample, we can discuss how to respond to those questions.

What is a cornering question?  (FF's suggested definition)  A question with an embedded statement, designed to back a person into a corner.  Usually establishes dominance of the questioner.  The purpose of these questions is NOT to gather information.


1.  Do you know how much money you have been wasting on (fill in the blank)?

2.  Why do you have to talk in such a rude way?

3.  Don't you remember all the good things I've done for you?


Let's take a few days and get a good list of questions we've experienced.  Then we'll try to find strategies to deal with these questions.

The example questions above are from my research and I've experience variations of all of them.

Best,

FF



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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2020, 11:03:55 AM »

The most prominent one for me is :

'Do you have any idea what I'm going through?'
The answer would often be followed with a series of 'no, of course not, because all you do is smoke pot and bum about' or 'no of course not you dont care', 'no, and even if you did, you wouldnt do anything' etc etc... My ex was always diagnosed with anxiety and depression which in itself is a horrible concoction of mental illnesses, and having neither, I was always stumped for a reply other than 'please help me understand so i can help you'. Even after a response like this, the reply would be 'ugh, forget it, you dont get it, so it doesnt matter', then a cold shoulder for a period. She was only diagnosed with BPD after we split up.



A few others
'do you have any idea how weird that is?' - Going to a rave with just my ex OR my friends, rather than with my ex AND my friends. They didn't always get along so I preferred to keep them separate.

'why do you feel like you have to tell me what to do?' - asked her to mind her language politely as we were surrounded by a group of school kids and she was swearing a lot.

'how can you enjoy this monotonal crap?' - showed her some new music I was listening to, because she asked. Somehow got into a small argument that concluded with a jab at my music taste, something very personal to me (but she has also since adopted?).

Finally, when I broke up with her 'do you realise how much you've hurt me and how much you're throwing away?'.

It seems like at least in my experience these are rhetorical questions that may as well be character-attacking statements, with a similar affect to gas-lighting? always 'why do you, how can you, why did you, do you have' etc etc. Intimidation, or maybe investigation kinda motives.

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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2020, 11:35:01 AM »

“Do you love me more now?”  

Ugh. How does one answer that truthfully? I was madly in love with you when we first got together, before I was aware of all the crazy BPD behavior that you would exhibit in years to come.You’ve settled down a lot, so I hardly ever see a glimpse of that bizarre side, but I’m hypervigilant, knowing that I need to respond quickly and appropriately when you begin to get off kilter, so it doesn’t get worse. But overall, you’re doing OK and we get along fine, but it’s not the romantic fantasy that I thought I was marrying, but yes, I do care for you and I do love you and I think you’re a fine person with good values and we tend to think along the same lines, and life is good.

Short answer: “Of course I do.”
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2020, 11:49:02 AM »

Great post -

There were several questions and yes, I often felt as if I was painted into a corner.

One of her favorites was "Why does everything need to be difficult?"   

One of the characteristics of such questions is the escalating nature of the them - words like "everything" or "always" or "never" or "how many times" - all of them have an ultimatum quality about them that is quite coercive.

Great post.

Rev

 
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2020, 11:56:27 AM »


Great examples, let's keep it up! 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2020, 05:38:00 PM »

Here’s some others that I heard growing up or in my first marriage.  (Of course the answers weren’t wanted.)

What were you thinking?

What makes you think you could do that?

Who are you to be telling me what to do?

Do you think money grows on trees?
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2020, 09:32:55 AM »

Excellent topic!

Here are some I’ve heard:

Do you even want to be married to me? (Internal answer: in the good times, yes. When you’re like this, not really.)

Why should I be the only one giving up something I care about (alcohol)? Why do I always have to change and you never do?

Why is it always my fault?

Your family doesn’t care about me or SS9, do they?

Why can’t you ever just support me?
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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2020, 09:46:11 AM »

One of my all time fav's (this only two months after my father died - who died only six months after my mother died)

When are you going to snap out of it?  It's like you're not even here.

This coming from a woman who works with people at risk and their spiritual care.

Yep... that happened.

Rev
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« Reply #8 on: July 07, 2020, 10:24:12 AM »

I like your definition of cornering questions. My wife is a grand master of these. Some examples:

- Why is it so difficult having a conversation with you?
- Why is everything so hard for you?
- Why are you always so absent minded?
- Were you even trying? (usually after something she asked me to do is not done to her standard)
- Why is it so hard for you to remember to do x?
- Why can't you just admit you're wrong and apologize (often a form of gaslighting after she gets something wrong and I point it out)
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« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2020, 11:04:46 AM »

Hi all;

Though this isn't my "home board", I come over every now and then to learn. Let me promise you, I'm not "conflicted" about my relationship with the kids' mom and stepdad  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Two points come to mind re: "cornering questions"

1: If I'm remembering correctly, the logical phrase "question begging" has to do with when an assumption is baked into a premise -- group, correct me if I'm wrong. So, the "embedded statement" that FF references would be an example of "begging the question" -- "I already know you've been wasting money; the real question is do YOU know how much". It ought to be debatable or up for discussion if money has even been wasted... but it's been unilaterally decided that THAT question has been answered.

2: Cat Familiar's examples of questions from growing up & her first marriage raise the issue of tone for me. I could imagine a partner with low skills, or skills in progress, asking one of those questions (like "What makes you think you could do that"), but with a "soft" enough tone /affect that it'd be contextually clear that s/he means well and is trying to have a real dialogue -- just starting from a "less skilled" position. Imagine the question "Why did you do that" with "soft tone, soft eyes" vs with "sharp edges, raised eyebrows" and that's what I'm thinking of.

Really good discussion.
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« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2020, 11:15:52 AM »



Yes!  kells76,

Thanks for the observations. 

I've seen other places on the internet describe these as not "honest attempts to get information", as in they don't really want to know the answer...they are "wanting" to make a statement.

Broadly I think it's true.

However, it's an important point to consider someones emotional state and their EQ (or skills)...however we want to describe this.

I've certainly got a talking to several times from my psychologist where she was making the point that my wife was trying to repair something and I totally missed it because of my critical analysis of her communications.

Part of "radical acceptance" is to understand that our partners "best" could be vastly different than ours.

Now I try to give the benefit of the doubt and try to imagine what she is trying to do from a "good" point of view.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2020, 11:17:59 AM »


What were you thinking?

What makes you think you could do that?
 

Uggg...I don't think it's happened lately...but...um...I might know a certain Father that has asked/said this to his kids.

This Father I know would really be interested in the actual answer...so I'm sure I can tell him it's ok..right?

Sigh

Best,

FF
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« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2020, 12:42:28 PM »

Wow, I've seen so many of these questions or variations of them. Both statements of self-loathing like "Do you think I'm a terrible loser?" or "Do you think our relationship is doomed?" and angry statements directed toward me like (as Ozzie stated) "What's wrong with you?" or "Were you even trying?" It's like there's this constant battle going on in his head, and when I feel myself getting worked up, I remind myself that he's just working things out and I shouldn't take anything too personally.

To the first category of statements, I state that I love and appreciate him, but I don't go overboard because too many compliments in those moments just seems to make him more worked up and feels inauthentic and to be honest, it feels inauthentic saying them. 

For the second category, I've found that the best response is silence; it's like he can hear what a jerk he's being and then he'll eventually apologize or at least shut up. Or I calmly state that there's nothing wrong with me. Of course I'm not perfect and sometimes I fight back, but fighting just fuels the fire.
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« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2020, 02:33:20 PM »

Hi all, not my home board either, but such a good topic so I can't resist sharing my all-time favorite "Why can't anyone ever have a rational conversation with you?" This came from my ex many times and he always refused to sit down with me to talk rationally about any adult things/decisions. Also refused to look me in the eyes so whenever I tried to have a conversation with him, I had to often talk to his back  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post).   
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« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2020, 07:25:11 PM »

Nice thread. I know these exact types of questions. From my experience they just seem to lead down a really long rabbit hole. I think they must stem from fear, and they are trying to understand where that fear comes from through black and white thinking. I think the only way to respond to them is not to play sometimes but I have no idea Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: July 08, 2020, 04:41:03 PM »

My husband doesn’t do the aggressive shaming version of cornering questions. Instead, he asks questions that have the effect of supporting his neediness and insecurity, in addition to questions that are directive of outcomes he wants.

“Do you still love me?”
“I don’t think they like me?” stated as a question (through inflected voice tone) to me about some other person or one of our animals.

And the outcome derivative questions:
“We’re you planning on eating dinner tonight?” (letting me know he’s hungry)
“I didn’t know if you were wanting to go?” (stated as a question about a previous plan we had because I wasn’t on his time schedule, when there wasn’t a previously agreed set time)
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« Reply #16 on: July 12, 2020, 07:51:19 AM »


Looks like we may be running out of steam with examples.  I think we have a lot we can discuss.

For now, I'll issue the following challenge.  If you have examples of how you responded that worked especially well or especially badly...please share.

What I think would be interested is to put together some thoughts that can link this cornering questions topic to existing articles on BPDFamily and also to see if there are "gaps" or maybe a new article that needs to be developed.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #17 on: July 13, 2020, 06:36:55 AM »

How to respond without making matters worse that is the million dollar question.  For me responding logically or defending myself makes the situation more volatile.  Like throwing fuel to an endless fire…

Sometimes acknowledging the feelings works, for example - I am sorry you feel that way, you have a point there or I can understand you feeling that way.  I must be sincere with my response or a new set of troubles will begin - my SO will see right through me and then boom! 

Easy does and sincerity are the ticket for me.  A tall order at times…

BTW just last night I responded with "I can understand you feeling that way" and it worked.  The conversation was defused SO walked away with a small dig and I felt OK.  A little background if you will...  SO marched down the stairs to greet me in the living room to give me the business after I asked her what she was working on.  Apparently I was out of line for asking and was told in no uncertain terms that I shouldn't be asking her that question.  I responded with I can understand you feeling that way" thus validating her feeling and the situation was defused...  A win - time for a small celebration so I had a bowl of cherries and continued to read my novel in peace.
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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2020, 08:36:05 AM »

My uBPD partner passed away last year, and dealing with the situation is even worse for me as I can now look back on the last decade more objectively.  (I kept thinking I was the one with the problem.)  Learning more about BPD has lead me to conclude that my father also had uBPD.  (I always thought his behavior was related to WWII and nature of the world he grew up in.)  Anyway, both of them used the same tactic when upset with anything, major or minor:  "What's wrong with you?"  But neither left it at that, but followed it up with something like, "I don't know how you graduated," or, "I don't know how you can keep your job," or, "I don't know how you can be so stupid/incompetent/illogical," or in the case of my partner specifically:  "You're acting just like my ex-wife!"  The trigger (for my partner) could be anything, even a question like, "Would you like to go out to dinner tonight or stay in?" or if someone else on the road almost caused an accident while I was the one who was driving, or if someone else on the road almost caused an accident when he was driving but I had suggested the place we were going, or if a hotel couldn't find the reservation right away, or if he didn't like a hotel I had selected (too cheap OR too expensive), or if I made dinner plans with friends and he didn't want to see friends, or if I didn't make dinner plans with friends and he was bored, or if I walked too slow, or walked too fast...  You get the picture.   (Also, my partner refused to plan or participate in planning anything.)  My father just called everyone stupid for everything.  Very hard to respond to, "What's wrong with you?" Any response was problematic as was not responding at all.
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« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2020, 09:50:06 AM »

I wonder if I might just be good practice to address the implied statement in the cornering question.  You can then agree or disagree with it.
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« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2020, 07:22:17 AM »

Move to the top

Looks like we may be running out of steam for gathering examples.  Looks like we have a bunch of them.  I'll gather them all into one place

Let's look them over and then share ideas for how to best deal with them.  Success stories and epic failure stories are also encouraged.

Excerpt

Do you have any idea what I'm going through?

do you have any idea how weird that is?

why do you feel like you have to tell me what to do?

how can you enjoy this monotonal crap?

do you realise how much you've hurt me and how much you're throwing away?

Do you love me more now?

Why does everything need to be difficult?

What were you thinking?

What makes you think you could do that?

Who are you to be telling me what to do?

Do you think money grows on trees?


Do you even want to be married to me?  

Why should I be the only one giving up something I care about (alcohol)?

 Why do I always have to change and you never do?

Why is it always my fault?

Your family doesn’t care about me or SS9, do they?

Why can’t you ever just support me?

When are you going to snap out of it?

- Why is it so difficult having a conversation with you?
- Why is everything so hard for you?
- Why are you always so absent minded?
- Were you even trying? (usually after something she asked me to do is not done to her standard)
- Why is it so hard for you to remember to do x?
- Why can't you just admit you're wrong and apologize (often a form of gaslighting after she gets something wrong and I point it out)

Do you think I'm a terrible loser?

Do you think our relationship is doomed?

Why can't anyone ever have a rational conversation with you?

“Do you still love me?”

“I don’t think they like me?”

“We’re you planning on eating dinner tonight?”

“I didn’t know if you were wanting to go?”

I don't know how you graduated,"

 "I don't know how you can keep your job,"

"I don't know how you can be so stupid/incompetent/illogical,"

 "You're acting just like my ex-wife!"



I try to be a direct person, one of the frustrating things about dealing with a pwBPD is that "the issue" is often hard to sort out.

One thing that jumped out at me from looking over this list is the idea of people that are afraid to ask for what they want/need.

For instance, instead of asking for close quality time so they would feel loved perhaps they use the "don't you love me anymore" question.

I'm wondering if that observation is useful in creating more effective responses.



Best,

FF
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« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2020, 07:39:31 AM »


Hey kells76,

You are welcome over here anytime!


1: If I'm remembering correctly, the logical phrase "question begging" has to do with when an assumption is baked into a premise -- group, correct me if I'm wrong. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Begging_the_question

At first the article seems a little academic to me and hard to follow.  But down towards the end I'm like..."yeah..that...that's it."

Excerpt
Begging the question is similar to the complex question (also known as trick question or fallacy of many questions): a question that, to be valid, requires the truth of another question that has not been established.


Of course "in their mind" the issue has been established and perhaps that's really what they are trying to communicate.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #22 on: July 27, 2020, 09:49:47 AM »

In general, a closed question asks for a yes/ no answer. A pwBPD asking a cornering question doesn't really want a yes/no answer -- they are either ramping up for an argument of asking my for understanding.

 "Do you know what I'm going through?"

This is best responded to not with yes/no but rather with a question or statement asking for more insight.

 "I'd like to understand more. Can you tell me what is happening for you right now?"

What are some other questions that turn the cornering question around?

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« Reply #23 on: July 27, 2020, 10:21:01 AM »



What are some other questions that turn the cornering question around?



"Is now a good time for me to listen?" or  "Is now a time for listening?"

Best,

FF
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« Reply #24 on: July 27, 2020, 03:54:58 PM »

"Is now a good time for me to listen?" or  "Is now a time for listening?"

Best,

FF


Does it really matter?

Rev
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« Reply #25 on: July 27, 2020, 04:07:43 PM »


Sometimes it matters.

For me those questions are the equivalent of me "taking the temperature" of my wife (emotionally speaking).

If she softens a bit, then I'm likely to be successful with validation...validating questions or just listening and giving her my time.

If she turns it up a notch and says something like (or asks something like... Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Why is it so hard to get you to listen?

Then I know I"m going to have my hands full or perhaps need to boundary/exit soon.

For me...I try to figure out if I'm heading for the exit or heading to "repair" fairly quickly.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #26 on: July 27, 2020, 08:01:31 PM »

Sometimes it matters.

For me those questions are the equivalent of me "taking the temperature" of my wife (emotionally speaking).

If she softens a bit, then I'm likely to be successful with validation...validating questions or just listening and giving her my time.

If she turns it up a notch and says something like (or asks something like... Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Why is it so hard to get you to listen?

Then I know I"m going to have my hands full or perhaps need to boundary/exit soon.

For me...I try to figure out if I'm heading for the exit or heading to "repair" fairly quickly.

Best,

FF

LOL - no - not what I meant.  I meant that my neutralizing question was "Does it really matter?"  It had a limited shelf life tho.  But while it did last, it gave me the distance I needed to get a perspective and then do what I needed to get out.

When I would ask it - and I would couple that with silence if we were on the phone and silence a staring off into space if we were together, she would freeze and have no answer. I began to see the pattern that very little of what she was saying was thought out, but more reactionary. 

I have one major gift (sometimes a curse) and that is I have a long memory for someone's story. I can listen and synthesize over long periods of time. So when I clued into this pattern, a lot of things came into focus - including all the gaps in her story and accompanying behavior.  True to the cliche, things no longer added up.

So again - my neutralizing question was - But (_________) does it really matter?

Thanks for this thread.

Rev
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« Reply #27 on: July 27, 2020, 08:37:46 PM »

My experience with cornering questions was usually to trap me into being the bad guy, or person at fault for a disagreement, or a rotten person in general. Whenever I would answer in a way that he couldn't manipulate, he would jump topic to something beside his original point and completely ignore what I answered. But his favorite type of questions were usually intended to prove me a hypocrite. Because his thinking was black and white, he was usually trying to draw equivalencies where there weren't any in order to 'catch' me in a lie, or 'trap' me so I couldn't escape from whatever evil he thought I was committing. In the past I would answer factually and logically with "that's a false equivalency," or "you are conflating contexts," which of course never worked, bless my heart.

Eventually I started saying, "I accept that you think I'm a hypocrite, etc. (because something led him to that conclusion, and he seemed, almost pathologically, to need to 'prove' that he was right in what he suspected, so he could be satisfied and let it go. Sometimes that meant letting me go from the room he had me blocked in until he got an answer he was happy with.)

I have had asked of me many of the questions mentioned in this thread, and the only way around them with my BPDh, for me, was to accept what he was saying and 'agree' in a factual, non-patronizing way.
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formflier
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« Reply #28 on: July 27, 2020, 08:50:55 PM »

I have one major gift (sometimes a curse) and that is I have a long memory for someone's story. 

My wife truly has a bad memory and I'm pretty sharp.  So sometimes (oftentimes) she would say "I never xyz.." to which I would say "If you did..would you want to know..."

That would usually have the same effect as your neutralizing question...

Best,

FF
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« Reply #29 on: July 28, 2020, 10:13:58 AM »

I have had asked of me many of the questions mentioned in this thread, and the only way around them with my BPDh, for me, was to accept what he was saying and 'agree' in a factual, non-patronizing way.

I have often employed this strategy. Who isn't a hypocrite at times? Who isn't petty? Who isn't thoughtless? Or selfish, or self absorbed, or absent minded, or careless? We're all human. No one is perfect.

So I've agreed. "Yes, you're right, I'm ________." I'll smile, look him directly in the eyes, and if I'm feeling extra perky, I'll add, "What of it?"

This is typically enough to derail his accusations, though sometimes it might veer into a suggestion that I'm behaving in a narcissistic way, but I've been called worse, so I'll just agree with that too.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
 
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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