SELF ASSESSMENT |Are you holding on to fantasies about someone who has hurt you?

[allwillbewell]

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

Fantasies ... .they are different at different times, but here are a few:

That he would really be there for me, that he would emotionally support me as I have supported him. 

That he would be interested in who I really am and love me for who I am. 

That he would not use me. 

That he would apologize. And really mean it.

That he would realize how cruel he can be and feel badly about the ways in which he hurts me.

That he would act like a normal person in a loving adult relationship instead of an entitled, angry, demanding teenager.

That I could go back in time to the beginning just to feel that way again.

That I could go back in time and erase ALL of it.

That he would actually be able to heal.

That I could rely upon him.

That he would be consistently kind and compassionate.

That he would not lie. 

That there would come a time when I wasn't either holding my breath, waiting for the next shoe to drop OR miserably trying to jump through impossible hoops to make things "okay."

One of my favorite quotes (I believe the author is Saul Belloe?) is as follows:

"A great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep."

I think my biggest fantasy now is to get to a place where I do not feel so sad about everything with him, and to a place where I absolutely 100% know that I will not go back.  Ever.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

Well, I listed a lot of fantasies and they are kind of all over the board ... .but truly, the last one I wrote (getting to a place where I do not feel so sad about everything and know 100% I will not go back) is the biggest fantasy that I have today.   Because I do intellectually know that all of the other things I wrote are TRULY fantasies -- ones that will never come true.  And to prolong the pain is masochistic.  I ended things for what I hope is the last time two nights ago.  We've been together about a year. 

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

Well, I certainly am doing a lot of thinking.  I think one of the reasons I feel so sad is because I feel like I am finally "getting it" -- that the fantasies will never happen.  Ever.  And even though I should have realized that a while ago, and perhaps on some level I did, I feel like something has clicked in my brain recently that just made me think -- this will never, ever, ever be what you want it to be.  You will be miserable.  This cannot, in any way, shape or form, be at all good for you.  It will destroy you.  And yet, leaving it - leaving him - is just so unbelievably painful and sad.  I just feel so sad. 

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

Therapy, journal writing, lots of thinking, talking to my mom, reading BPD books and reading many, many posts on this site and writing on this site.  All of these have helped.  A lot. 

[diotima]

Well, I certainly am doing a lot of thinking.  I think one of the reasons I feel so sad is because I feel like I am finally "getting it" -- that the fantasies will never happen.  Ever.  And even though I should have realized that a while ago, and perhaps on some level I did, I feel like something has clicked in my brain recently that just made me think -- this will never, ever, ever be what you want it to be.  You will be miserable.  This cannot, in any way, shape or form, be at all good for you.  It will destroy you.  And yet, leaving it - leaving him - is just so unbelievably painful and sad.  I just feel so sad.

Allbewell,

I've been hanging out in this territory too lately. It does seem to take time to get there. Yes, it would destroy us and we are more important than the fantasy of them.

I had my first cold-blooded murder fantasy today--where I didn't even feel remorse after.  It subsided and I congratulated myself on it.

Diotima

[BattleBornMom]

   

So that's 98.5% who hold or have held this type of fantasy. Any thoughts on that and the breakdown statistics?

I can't speak from the perspective of an SO of a pwpd, but I can speak from the view of a child of a pwpd. I think it is completely normal and expected that you have one or more of these fantasies about your parent. As kids, our parents are our heroes. It is a terrible realization that your "hero" is actually a broken shell who you cannot count on in any way. It is an Earth shattering realization. I think it is natural for the child to have fanatisies that things could be different -- SHOULD be different. That the parent(s) will change, be better parent(s), and/or at least acknowledge the hurt they have inflicted on the one person they were supposed to nurture and protect.

Part of the growing up, moving on, and preventing it from spreading to the next generation is for the child to realize that these fantasies are just that -- fantasies. They don't have a basis in reality. The child needs to learn to take personal responsiblity for where they are in their life now (as an adult) and work to better themselves. DESPITE what their parent(s) have done to them.

[Beatrice]

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

Mostly that he realizes how much I loved him... .and how much this hurts.  How I would have given up everything I have to be with him... .if he just asked me to.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

5

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

It's destroying me and my self-respect.


4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

About two weeks ago... .I bought some alcohol and tylenol.  I was thinking that if i can't stop the thoughts, I'd stop living.  In the end... .I couldn't kill myself because I couldn't do that to my daughters.

I'm in therapy.  It's not helping all that much because I agree while we are in therapy... .then I get reminders throughout the week.

I do art journaling, writing... .etc... .and sometimes I'm okay... .but sometimes I just am so very depressed that I get stuck in a spin-cycle.

He wasn't even all that great looking... .he just was that damn charming and like me, loved literature and philosophy.  He was an enigma wrapped up in a riddle shrouded in mystery.  He gave a LOT of beautiful, heartfelt stuff... .but he gave a lot of garbage too.  When he was depressed... .he was an empty jar with a crack in it.  No matter how much I tried to fill him up... .he would discount it.  And he would repeat the same, pathetic lines over and over again.

And he could be so cold and cruel.

And he might be bipolar too.  I just read that bipolar individuals act very immature and very selfish at times.  For a 50 year old, I felt like I was often dealing with a child.  And blamed his parents for how he turned out.

I never met someone older than myself that did NOT know how to take care of themselves and did this to people.  I thought this behavior was the stuff of adolescents.   I guess I was wrong.


I feel like I've been infected with some sort of virus that ate away my soul.  I'm now a shadow of my former self.

[diotima]

Beatrice,

I see that you are new here and that may mean you are at the beginning of the grieving process.

I feel like I've been infected with some sort of virus that ate away my soul.  I'm now a shadow of my former self.

This is how I felt too at the beginning--like I'd never start climbing out of it. You will but it will be a process of learning to care for yourself. Meditation has helped me start to reclaim myself. I recommend it. One of the things that helps a LOT is dancing lessons (couples). One has to really be in the present and I forced myself to go--now I look forward to it.

One day at a time. I drank a lot at the beginning too. Gotta be careful that doesn't get out of hand.

Take good care of yourself and read about this. There are a lot of good articles on this website.

Diotima xoxo

[oceanblue]

Beatrice - 

I felt that way too.  I had a full blown crisis in December of last year.  I entered therapy and that helped.  I have been posting and reading here too - that helps.  It takes time but you WILL feel better.   xoxo

Have you tried medication?  You might need something mild for a short period of time to help you get over this hump. 

You have been treated badly - it sounds like very badly - and it is going to take time to grieve and heal but it will get better. 

[ithurts07]

Yes,I do have fantasies.The sick thing is that most ofthem have to do with him coming to his senses and realizing what a good thing he had in me and begging me to forgive him and take him back. There are days that my heart is so heavy with grief because he threw me away so easily.I wrote to him over three weeks ago after he told me that I was too serious about him and that he doesn't feel the same way about me and he has not responded.I told him in that email that I was moving on,that there were other men out there that would appreciate me but truth is I wrote that so that he wouldn't believe that I was pining away over him and the awful thruth is that I DON'T believe anyone will want to be with me.I fantacize everyday that that will be the day that he understands his mistakes and how much he hurt me and will at least try to make ammends.Heck,I fantacize that at the very least he would wake up one day and miss the friend that I was to him.It has been about three weeks since he emailed me and there are times that I check my email several times a day hoping(yes,fantacizing)that there will be an email from him.But it never happens.I know that I have to stop fantacizing and hoping for something that will never happen.The rational side of me knows that even as I am writing this post,that he has already found someone to ease his pain-someone that he is very excited about,just like he was with me in the beginning.It hurts like hell and it makes me jealous.Tears are springing to my eyes as I type this post but even the tears don't make my fantasy a reality.Heck,I wasn't even recycleable to this person so I feel like a true loser>

[diotima]

Hmm, I noticed that my fantasies have changed! I used to want him to come to his senses, etc. Now my fantasies are rather nasty.  I don't want him back at all. Hooray! I've turned a corner. However, I have not got to the corner of forgiveness by any means. I am enjoying my evil fantasies--but I am thinking about him a bit less too--when I am not having evil fantasies. We'll see what happens. it is a learning experience to say the least.

Diotima

[argyle]

For the breakdown statistics, I'd divide them into:

BPD changes: 50%

BPD suffers: 35%

None of the above: 15%

I'd be interested to see how the statistics vary between people still in R/S with BPD and people not still in R/S.  I'm going to bet an imaginary quarter that there's a big, and expected, correlation.

--Argyle

[once removed]

this was very useful.

i've had almost all of those fantasies at some point, some longer lasting than others. i don't think i ever quite ruminated over them, maybe early on to soothe pain. i went through fantasies of her returning, fantasies of vindication, fantasies of those around her seeing her for what she is, i wouldn't say i wished suffering on her, but i definitely wished she'd go downhill. partly so i'd feel vindicated, partially so i could believe it was related to me, and partially because she has to before she'll get help anyway. i had lots of fantasies related to me recovering and getting better. i don't think that was counter productive. i never wanted to rub her nose in it, but i wanted her to see it. still do.

thing is, most of this has come true. she's spiraled downward. she's had blowups and falling outs now with each of her best friends. she's gone totally out of her mind, and caused some episodes she wouldn't have ever caused with me. everything just blew up for her. everyone got it immediately. and yeah, i do feel vindicated. but mostly i just feel sorry. no, i don't want to help her. but i can't take any pride in seeing what i've seen or knowing what i know. it's sad. it never had to be.

i think the thing that kept me stuck the longest was wanting some proof that i mattered (even though i believed and still believe i did, to the extent one can) and believing that she would reengage at some point. she hasn't yet. she still might. but these days, i'd say im 95% to the point of preferring i never hear from her again. i certainly don't cling to it, and im no longer as certain it will happen. for a few months, it kept me feeling like i was still in the game. i don't regret it. i needed to believe it to survive, at the time. i got past it as i figured i would. i've come a ways.

[sea5045]

Yes my  ex was self-absorbed, everything was about her, and near the end she wanted nothing to do with my needs, helping me with anything like the computer, or school stuff.

I know all about her wants, interests, and attempted to do those things, and tried even more when it was going south. Thinking that I should. 

And I do wish she would recognize and change, but she hasn't so far and probably is not going to... .difficult to radically accept this and go on.

[sea5045]

I used to have all kinds of fantasies about crazyx. I had millions of imaginary scenarios and conversations where I would be vindicated.

It took a long, long time... .but I don't have any fantasies about him at all now.  Don't wish him harm, don't wish him well, I have nothing to prove and I don't need/want anything from him. 

Oh wait!  I would like my money back. I could really use that $$ now, BUT... .I no longer have any fantasies about that happening or how that could/should work. The money is gone and so is he.  It was a small price to pay for my freedom and sanity.

I am grateful to be this far down the road.  I remember thining that I would never get to this place --- yet... .I did.

Now... .there's a few other people I need to deal with. .  Sigh.

turtle

Yes I have the money thing to... how can they see you tell you how beautiful you are, and not think s__t I owe her money... .or there's the person who packed my things so considerately, helped me move my boxes, cared for me when I had no money.

[sea5045]

Well, I certainly am doing a lot of thinking.  I think one of the reasons I feel so sad is because I feel like I am finally "getting it" -- that the fantasies will never happen.  Ever.  And even though I should have realized that a while ago, and perhaps on some level I did, I feel like something has clicked in my brain recently that just made me think -- this will never, ever, ever be what you want it to be.  You will be miserable.  This cannot, in any way, shape or form, be at all good for you.  It will destroy you.  And yet, leaving it - leaving him - is just so unbelievably painful and sad.  I just feel so sad.

Allbewell,

I've been hanging out in this territory too lately. It does seem to take time to get there. Yes, it would destroy us and we are more important than the fantasy of them.

I had my first cold-blooded murder fantasy today--where I didn't even feel remorse after.  It subsided and I congratulated myself on it.

Diotima

Yes letting go of the hope that she will get better, seeing her drunk and acting like a junior high kid made me think, hmmm... .it's not happening any time soon I guess

[sea5045]

thing is, most of this has come true. she's spiraled downward. she's had blowups and falling outs now with each of her best friends. she's gone totally out of her mind, and caused some episodes she wouldn't have ever caused with me. everything just blew up for her. everyone got it immediately. and yeah, i do feel vindicated. but mostly i just feel sorry. no, i don't want to help her. but i can't take any pride in seeing what i've seen or knowing what i know. it's sad. it never had to be.

Hi Luckystrikes- nice to speak with you again, yes when I saw her last weekend drunk and alone and hollering things out at me, I remember thinking, I might have enabled her to stay with me too long without paying rent, but I also might have provided her with her most stable environment. She also withdrew from 3 of our friends and told one by facebook in August she has no friends in Chicago. I was always kind to her and her problems in life, with work, and her family.  But i agree it is sad to see her spiraling down, and I get no vindication when friends of mine call her a loser. I always wanted her well-being. What I work on with my therapist now, is that I can not make her happy, I can not fix her, she will have to dig down deep and want that for herself and thus far, it appears that is something she is incapable of doing, introspection and self-reflection. So I remember one poster say "A BPD has a right to live their life as they wish, and I can not control the outcome." I am trying to picture her in a visualization wrapped in light and held close to someone who will nurture her, not me mind you, but someone.

[once removed]

Results to date:

The other person admits his/her errors and the way he/she has hurt you and makes amends. 18.3%

The person suffers because of what was done to you. 11%

You are able to outperform the person who has hurt you and can rub his/her nose in your superiority. 7.6%

Everyone around him sees him or her as you do and rejects him or her.    11.8%

You are vindicated.  12.9%

You are able to do to the person who hurt you what he or she did to you, or someone else does that to the person. 4.2%

The person will change and regret what he or she did or said.    19%

Other: please specify in your comment.    2.3%

I used to hold one or more fantasies like this, but I have let them go.  11.4%

I do not have any fantasies like this.   1.5%

   

So that's 98.5% who hold or have held this type of fantasy. Any thoughts on that and the breakdown statistics?

seems to me most people want some form of vindication in knowing they're the sane one and their partner is not, and/or validation from their ex. not surprising. not surprising either that so many on this board seem to have come from homes with one or both parents invalidating, or not validating. i think it's good, and telling, that fantasies of forms of revenge are on the lower side. not sure if hoping they change is for selfish or unselfish purposes, but its productive at least. i just wish it was easier for all of us to find that vindication and validation in ourselves. but our partners morphing like they did is just so contrary to everything we know to be normal and rational. its no wonder it shakes us like it does.

edit: okay, i thought the updated results had lower levels of vengeful fantasies. i guess they're not that small a number 

[BreadHead]

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

Mostly that there will be a day that he realizes how completely mentally ill he is and gets help and in that process realizes how much he hurt me and apologizes sincerely for the things he did specifically.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

probably around like a 1.5 to 2?

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

I suppose it impacts me because it creates a tiny bit of hope but i don't really notice it affecting my life in a profound way or on a daily basis, it just feels like i need to get further out and have more distance and detachment.

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

counseling helped so much to accept things that happened that now I don't ruminate over but mostly just moving on with my life is helping immensly.

[OTH]

it never had to be.

Yes it did Sea. She is sick. It did have to be that way. Right?

[newlife3]

 Great thread! Thank you B& W for starting it


In the beginning my fantasy was that he would go to therapy and with a lot of work my marriage would work. Prior to his blindsiding of leaving with an email and disappearing I thought he had turned the corner as he had said he wanted to go to therapy re: his childhood issues and wanted the marriage to work... As I was with him for 10 years and he was very high functioning, I thought it was realistic () that he would not want to destroy his life, and would get help... He had a mental breakdown at the end & as I saw how really ill & fragmented he was I realized it would never work for me, even with therapy... As my T. said he would need intensive therapy, which entails a lot of work & no guarantees... ie:

I hung onto the "therapy fantasy" for prob. 6-8 months. In hindsight, I held onto this fantasy way too long, in part because both of us are health care professionals.

I remember that moment of true acceptance, of clarity, of how sick he really was & my feelings that the betrayal of trust was too great for me... It was devastating & I became very depressed.

The anger fantasies were empowering & helped me move forward, out of the depression.

Working thru grief is a gradual process. Its 4 yrs since my divorce and it took about 2.5 yrs for recovery.  I have no fantasies now. Now, I see its all for the best that it is over In hindsight would have just accepted the loss, instead of fighting it so much with the fantasy... For me its been a very valuable lesson that can be applied to life in general...

[lyfesok]

For years I have worked toward making the fantasy of a great mother/daughter relationship come true.  Instead my ignorance/denial of my daughter having any disorder kept me enabling her BPD behaviors. I walked on eggshells hoping that she would change.  With the help of a therapist and reading about the BPD I realize that my daughter really has a personality disorder.  It is a relief and helpful to understand I need to let her go emotionally and temporalily (I hope) not try to be a part of her life. 

[Wanda]

fantacys?

i use to along time ago i mean many years ago was in denial, but then snapped out of it i read alot of help books and books about BPD, after going to therapy and relizing there was a problem.  and my husband had i beleived BPD.

  i fially came to accept what is is what is, and learned to deal with the problem not be a victum all the time.  learning ways to communicate and learning to use the tools given me. I knew being weak wasn't the answer, so i did what it took to become stronger mentally. i came to accept the only one i can change is me, i couldnt' change him so that is what i did.

[sea5045]

it never had to be.

Yes it did Sea. She is sick. It did have to be that way. Right?

Yes and I could see it clearly when I saw her 10 days ago... .

[jalk]

That my uexBPD moves out of the country never to be heard from again.

[MaK]

INSTRUCTIONS: Take the poll and comment below, addressing these questions and adding any other comments:

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?  Basic human nature is to play out scenarios in our minds of how we want things to turn out.  As we go through the process of letting go and moving on, I have found these mind scenarios are less frequent to almost non-existent. 

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations) - I am at a 1 and working on 0.

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life? - N/A

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact? 

The day after the STBXh left I had a moment of truth, and realized I had allowed him to hold me down emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

Here is the list of my plan:

-I started writing a contract to myself of what I would not allow in my life that was unhealthy, it is an ongoing work in progress. 

- "    "     walking every day, up to 2 miles a day, would like to get to 3 miles daily, and stop at the gym in my neighborhood and do the stairmaster/eliptical.

-Eating smaller portions and making healthier choices.  No sweets, no sodas, no sugar.  I feel 100% better.  Some evenings I do not eat supper, just a healthy snack.

-Changing my thinking to being positive, if someone is rude or cuts me off in traffic, taking pause to try to see the world throught their eyes.  We never know what someone is stuggling with at any given moment.

-Continuing my sessions with my T, and her telling me she thought I was doing well and did not need her services.   

-Waking up early, spending time alone with God reading my Bible and praying.

Will be starting a Divorce Care womens group in January, to reinforce what I have learned on this Board and from so many of you, to not make the same mistake!

I got to a place where I realize I did not make my stbxh this way and I cannot fix it.  He is responsible for his choices and the consequences from his bad choices.  I feel free, peaceful and that my life is once again joyful.

MaK

[Marble]

1. I wish for nothing more than for him to pick up the phone and call me, just so that I can hear his voice. He ended the relationship almost 3 months ago (Christmas Day = 3 months, I know  ?). I think about him every single day. I feel so abandoned by him, and what makes matters worse is that he lives 12 hours away from me, and I have no way of running into him. I dream about hearing his voice, or sharing one more intimate moment, so that maybe, just maybe, he will feel the way he used to feel about me and want me back. I don't necessarily want him to feel the pain I feel, but I fantasize that he sits in his office daydreaming about me, or goes to bed at night wishing I were with him. The sad part is that I know he is not, and it kills me.

2. 3.5. Refer above. I am devastated, and no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I continuously think about him... .from morning until night, no matter where I am or no matter what I am doing.

3. I am an attorney and will lose my job if I don't get my work done, so I am forced to function. That is the sad part. FORCED TO FUNCTION. I still exercise regularly, go out with friends on weekends, etc... .but when I work out and when I go out with friends, I think about him. I see couples while I am out and am saddened by the thought that him and I used to be that couple. Everyone wanted to be us. All of my friends wanted to have a man like him in their lives.

4. I am doing my best to keep busy, am speaking with friends and joined this website a few months ago. I am signing up for a half marathon that will take place in May, and am doing my best to take more classes at the gym as opposed to working out alone. I am taking on more responsibilities at work so that my mind can be consumed with work-related tasks as opposed to thinking about him. I have considered therapy, seeing as I feel in my heart that I am thinking about him too much at this stage, but I am hoping that in time, it will all become easier.

[OBcean]

The whole wonderfulness of finding this site and these Boards is that this information has helped me "catch" my magical thinking and end it.  I used to think that he felt like me.  He doesn't.  I used to think that if we entered therapy, he would learn, and want to change.  Wrong again.  I used to think that he meant the words he says.  Now I know that even if he thinks that he means them, his actions will always speak much greater truth. And the truth is that he can't, or won't, meet me halfway in a r/s.  Simply not gonna happen. 

I am replacing my magical thinking with real, excited, forward thinking.  Where am I going to live?  how am I gong to be?  What will it feel like to be really free?

[sea5045]

1. I wish for nothing more than for him to pick up the phone and call me, just so that I can hear his voice. He ended the relationship almost 3 months ago (Christmas Day = 3 months, I know  ?). I think about him every single day. I feel so abandoned by him, and what makes matters worse is that he lives 12 hours away from me, and I have no way of running into him. I dream about hearing his voice, or sharing one more intimate moment, so that maybe, just maybe, he will feel the way he used to feel about me and want me back. I don't necessarily want him to feel the pain I feel, but I fantasize that he sits in his office daydreaming about me, or goes to bed at night wishing I were with him. The sad part is that I know he is not, and it kills me.

2. 3.5. Refer above. I am devastated, and no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my mind. I continuously think about him... .from morning until night, no matter where I am or no matter what I am doing.

3. I am an attorney and will lose my job if I don't get my work done, so I am forced to function. That is the sad part. FORCED TO FUNCTION. I still exercise regularly, go out with friends on weekends, etc... .but when I work out and when I go out with friends, I think about him. I see couples while I am out and am saddened by the thought that him and I used to be that couple. Everyone wanted to be us. All of my friends wanted to have a man like him in their lives.

4. I am doing my best to keep busy, am speaking with friends and joined this website a few months ago. I am signing up for a half marathon that will take place in May, and am doing my best to take more classes at the gym as opposed to working out alone. I am taking on more responsibilities at work so that my mind can be consumed with work-related tasks as opposed to thinking about him. I have considered therapy, seeing as I feel in my heart that I am thinking about him too much at this stage, but I am hoping that in time, it will all become easier.

i also wonder and dream and because I think she is probably coming into town for Christmas I swear to god, I drove by starbucks and I thought this person was her, the same blonde hair cut, it wasn't, then I saw her mom, I thought, an old lady walking slowly with the same overly died old lady hairdo and it wasn't. FREACKED ME THE FRIG OUT! Is this fore shadowing, I have had two dreams in the last month, one of seeing her mom and saying "Hi how are you, I've missed you are you doing alright?" and the other some blurry encounter with the ex.   Haven't dreamed about her in months, it's just us detoxing off of the cruelty and suddeness of their departure. When she left for a job I had no idea we were dissolving our relationship. When I saw her brother and sister-in-law at her bon voyage dinner I had no idea I would never see her family again... .harsh, unfair, and I was forced to function also. It has gotten better in the last 5 months but apparently it will hit from time to time. Hang in there I'm right there witth you. Sea

[ellil]

The only realistic fantasy I ever had about my ex is that I would get one more chance at "the last word" and rip him to shreds, being the waif that he is, I could really make him a victim. That passed.

Then, there was the unrealistic fantasy I had, that I still sometimes enjoy envisioning, is that I (or some errant tractor trailer) run over both he and my replacement and leave them flat on the road. It just makes me smirk every time I try to picture it.

The funny thing is, even if he changed via therapy and became healed, I still would not have him back. I know we say they are empty shells, but there is still some type of human nature there, some type of personality, and I just don't much like the one he has. I'm thinking I never really loved this person, but I only wanted to because he was so handsome, so highly educated, and fit everything I thought I wanted (I know, mirror, mirror on the wall).

I guess I am one of the lucky few.

M

[JustSaying]

1. Which fantasies do [did] you have, if any?

The 'love of my life' was before my marriage. No need to detail why it didn't persist, but when things would be going not well since then, and during the marriage, I'd wonder about her and wonder if she regretted anything and what might happen if we were each unattached at the same time, etc.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

1... .passing thoughts, maybe every few months for a couple of decades

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

It's not now, but at one time it could have kept me from considering a wider range of options. When there's a name and a face, it can represent hope... .hope for an idealized relationship. Real people don't stack up to that, and it can keep one from even looking.

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

It didn't seem right to make any contact while still married, so I waited till settlement was reached. Phone numbers are easy to find these days, so I called her just this week. She said I coulda knocked her over with a feather when caller ID showed up. We talked about 30 min. She sounded, appropriately enough, older. I probably did, too. She's married ten years, and brought me up to date on all the elements of her life and any loose ends from before. I didn't talk much except to brag on D. At one point she commented on how surprisingly easy it was to talk to me after all the time and events. At another she commented on the courage it must have taken for me to make the call. It actually wasn't any big deal--no sweaty palms or knot in stomach--but I let it go without comment. ':)on't complain, don't explain.' In the end I feel good for having faced it without drama and dismissed it so it's not hanging over my head keeping me from considering new options.

[cc2]

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

3

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

I usually have them before I go to sleep and it can keep me away

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

Not really. I am just doing my own life now. I know these will pass.

[Faded]

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

None. Used to have but was able to let go of them.


2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

Initially very strong as i was in denial.



3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

It had no impact that i could see myself at the time, if any impact was to be had then my thoughts were - 'if i let go of the hope then i let go of the ex', which i didnt want to do at the time.


4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

My steps to rid myself of the hope were not the best way of doing it so probably not the best person to answer this question in helping others.

The only thing i can say to help is 'try and let go of the fantasies', i didnt and i didnt for too many years!

Is it really fantasy? or is it hope we cling to?

Are fantasy and hope of the same nature?

Fantasy is something you want but cant really have?

Hope is something you want and can have?

I think from the dumped perspective we will live for the fantasy/hope in that things will get better for us. im sure initially we all hope to rectify our loss by wanting what was lost, Just the same as if you lost a sentimental item of jewellery, you would make the effort in the hope of re-finding it.

Just reading that last paragraph, what stands out to me is that... .

We will look for, hope for, want for the return of something that was once special to us.

Whether that be somenthing of a material nature or a person, no matter if there was pain involved, we will want what we thought was ours and what we loved.

But over time, if you dont find that lost item, even though you keep looking for it, eventually you will give up looking for it, lose hope, lose the fantasy, care less for the return of said loss.

It boils down to our emotional attachment, yes? or rather how we emotionally detach?