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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: What did your ex BPD say at break-up?  (Read 6155 times)
dobie
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« Reply #60 on: January 21, 2015, 12:48:07 PM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto

Cool you got my response... .my spell check apparently changed dobie to Donnie?

Yes... .the abrupt changes and the lies and the dichotomy ... .it's so unsettling when this person was not the person that I lived with for 5 years.  Me personally... .I just can't get over it. It traumatized me in a way that has just damaged my inner soul. I just seek out other things in life now. I would not go anywhere near a relationship. I feel like it is out of my hands.

I hear you bro, I was expecting a great bday instead I got dumped I was excepting to get married and buy a house instead i got cast off like an old toy .

I never thought or saw this coming tbh the selfishness and the resentment etc yes but I always thought I could do more, love more, fix more etc

My xBPDfiance even said a week or so before the BU "I would kill myself if you died"

I thought she loved me I thought she was my bf

Boy was I wrong .
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Infared
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« Reply #61 on: January 21, 2015, 01:24:53 PM »

Hi infrared


I'd met this side of her before esp last few years but I buried my head in sand till it reared up on steroids when it was done with me .

14 weeks in and I still can't believe how she went out ... .

So frustrating .


Downwim,

So sorry for your pain I was engaged as well 2015 was supposed to be our year getting married buying a house .

I think she had been getting a roving eye for months before .

Regardless the way she went out was bad enough just want to heal and have a much better life without her ...

I keep hoping she will reach out and show some compassion or even say sorry but I have more chance of winning the lotto

Cool you got my response... .my spell check apparently changed dobie to Donnie?

Yes... .the abrupt changes and the lies and the dichotomy ... .it's so unsettling when this person was not the person that I lived with for 5 years.  Me personally... .I just can't get over it. It traumatized me in a way that has just damaged my inner soul. I just seek out other things in life now. I would not go anywhere near a relationship. I feel like it is out of my hands.

I hear you bro, I was expecting a great bday instead I got dumped I was excepting to get married and buy a house instead i got cast off like an old toy .

I never thought or saw this coming tbh the selfishness and the resentment etc yes but I always thought I could do more, love more, fix more etc

My xBPDfiance even said a week or so before the BU "I would kill myself if you died"

I thought she loved me I thought she was my bf

Boy was I wrong .

I guess what was so disturbing was this abrupt immediate change in the person. Denying common known facts between the two of us. Telling outright lies to me repeatedly, to her Mother, her Father, her Step Mother, her Step Father, best friend, and her therapist. I will never know what was said about me to her family (who I loved and got along with). I am sure thart I was painted blacker than black to justify her new immediate relationship with my replacement.  She invited me to a therapy session with a therapist (I had begged her to talk to someone... .but I did not refer this less than professional person)... .I went to what was supposed to be the 1st of 6 sessions and 10min into the session... .I realize that she has told the therapist that she never cheated on me... and that she had told the therapist a lot of lies about me... .I was so confused and upset... .I was not sure what was going on... .I mean... hell ... .I walked in there vulnerable and in pain... .and the next thing I know... .she is hanging her head down in shame (knowing she is lying to me)... and and the therapist is saying things to her (like I am not in the room) such as "well... he isn't exactly marriage material".  Mind you ... the therapist just met me 10 minutes prior. I was decently dress, I am college educated and presentable... .(I run my own business, now).  I was totally dumbfounded... .I left there in a bundle of pain... .I also calmly told her that I would not be coming back for more lies and abuse.

It was kind of like my ex set the whole thing up and knew that she was walking me into this ambush... and somehow... if everyone believed all of her lies... she got the new supply, discarded me ... .kept everything cool with her family and went on with her new life... .  I was just ejected and exploded as I was an obstacle to be rid of... .The thing I could not believe is how the "Therapist" treated me.  I was dumbfounded.  I had no prior warning to this behavior during the five years of our relationship.

That all being said... .that was a long time ago... .but my ex will try to walk up to me and talk to me in public places... and I just can't. If I see her I walk away as fast as I can. 

What would you do?  If I see her coming toward me... I imaging a terrorist in a suicide vest. My reaction is to get away from this person that caused me so much pain. She married new supply... .(I am pretty sure... I never check on her or have ANY contact of any kind)  I think... from the look on her face... .that she thinks I should just hang out with her and talk about the weather.  I just can't do it. I can't be that phony to myself.  She admitted to nothing, apologized for nothing and from what I can see... .she thinks I should have not the slightest issue for what went down.

The whole experience is just soo disconcerting to my sanity.  I do not think I will ever get over it.
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wavelife
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« Reply #62 on: January 21, 2015, 02:21:15 PM »



Hi Infared,

I feel for you and relate 100%  I can not imagine even seeing her and we live in a small town where I tend to stick close to home or I travel a lot to get away.  I have seen her car or I mean my car that she now has from a distance and I avoid driving by.  My heart pounds and I am filled with nausea.  My wife did the same, no apology nothing substantial.  A plastic emotionless face like porcelain.  Although she can not look me in the eye so I know there is a little shame there.  She has even gone so far as to say she can justify everything she has done.  Hahahaha the lady who proclaims to be a God fearing Christian sleeping with some guy while still married.  I told her to take her justification to God.

Oh I am starting to rant... .too much emotion.  I know I will eventually be whole again and I know you will be to... .one day we will get there man.  I lean on the Big Man a lot through this and I feel stronger every day.
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Infared
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« Reply #63 on: January 21, 2015, 02:37:34 PM »

Hi Infared,

I feel for you and relate 100%  I can not imagine even seeing her and we live in a small town where I tend to stick close to home or I travel a lot to get away.  I have seen her car or I mean my car that she now has from a distance and I avoid driving by.  My heart pounds and I am filled with nausea.  My wife did the same, no apology nothing substantial.  A plastic emotionless face like porcelain.  Although she can not look me in the eye so I know there is a little shame there.  She has even gone so far as to say she can justify everything she has done.  Hahahaha the lady who proclaims to be a God fearing Christian sleeping with some guy while still married.  I told her to take her justification to God.

Oh I am starting to rant... .too much emotion.  I know I will eventually be whole again and I know you will be to... .one day we will get there man.  I lean on the Big Man a lot through this and I feel stronger every day.

OH... I know exactly how you feel... .I used to feel that way... .I live in a small town, too... . She has tried to ambush me in the supermarket parking lot (me oblivious as check out ... .she is probably always looking for me... .sees me... .runs outside with a cart of groceries, knows where my car is, runs past it and lays in wait... .and then tries to do the "accidental run-in)... .I just put my head down in disgust, speed up and arc around her.  I used to get extreme anxiety and sick to my stomach... and sometimes panic attacks (did not know what they were at first... thought I was having a heart attack!)... .but now... .its just like 'HOW DARE YOU!' or "hey... can I send a video of this to your clueless husband?"  Not that I talk to her... .but its sick stuff. ... .I don't think she has any awareness of the extreme amount of emotional pain that she has caused me... .it is just like a self-centered jr. high school game or something to her... (mind you... she is well into her 40's!)... .She also, obviously has no awareness or respect as to how disrespectful that behavior is to her partner.

I still get upset... .but it is nothing like it used to be... so it does get better... .I have more stamina now... .but I still just feel like I lost me back there. I just do not look at women anymore the way I used to.  She shattered that ... .and the pieces will just not fit back together.
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dobie
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« Reply #64 on: January 21, 2015, 02:40:53 PM »

Infared thats really harsh I feel for you man ... .These people are incapable of remorse or real depth of normal human empathy because  they have the emotional depth and ego of a 5 year old

Its all me me me and anything that justifies what they want! no wonder NPD is heavily comorbid with BPD .

I try and remember how childish she was and then think do I a man really need a child's appologie or validation .


She is beneath you don't forget that .


I'm not ready to date properly yet but I'll be dammed if my xBPDfaince is going to ruin my chance to meet someone normal loving and kind .

Your more aware now than you were so chances are u will spot the red flags you missed with her


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christin5433
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« Reply #65 on: January 21, 2015, 02:49:28 PM »

That's some classic behavior of this PD people. Same thing happen to me when it came to therapy. We were seeing her therapist that she trusted of course I thought this might help and not even 10 minutes into the therapy session after the therapist asked what we wanted to talk about ... .I said intimacy. She then preceded to tell us we are toxic for each other and it would be best to have us meet new potential mates. I spoke very little that hour and I couldn't believe a T could say something like that while you are trying to work on r/s. when we left I said I will never go back . And I didn't. But a year later my ex wanted to see her again . I said no way. That spurred fighting because I was controlling she said . I talked w some people I trusted they agreed w me. But my ex seem to like conflict situations not resolve or healing just constant conflict . It makes me wonder why you felt like seeing her is like seeing a terrorist in a loaded vest . Because they don't just fight alone they get others to hurt and play along w thier dramas to hurt you. I feel anxiety when I go out. I don't like talking to many.  My circle is small . I don't feel safe. It's gonna take time  
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JRT
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« Reply #66 on: January 21, 2015, 02:57:55 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.
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Infared
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« Reply #67 on: January 21, 2015, 03:01:00 PM »

That's some classic behavior of this PD people. Same thing happen to me when it came to therapy. We were seeing her therapist that she trusted of course I thought this might help and not even 10 minutes into the therapy session after the therapist asked what we wanted to talk about ... .I said intimacy. She then preceded to tell us we are toxic for each other and it would be best to have us meet new potential mates. I spoke very little that hour and I couldn't believe a T could say something like that while you are trying to work on r/s. when we left I said I will never go back . And I didn't. But a year later my ex wanted to see her again . I said no way. That spurred fighting because I was controlling she said . I talked w some people I trusted they agreed w me. But my ex seem to like conflict situations not resolve or healing just constant conflict . It makes me wonder why you felt like seeing her is like seeing a terrorist in a loaded vest . Because they don't just fight alone they get others to hurt and play along w thier dramas to hurt you. I feel anxiety when I go out. I don't like talking to many.  My circle is small . I don't feel safe. It's gonna take time  

Yeah... at one point... .the therapist ask her a question and she lied... .this stuff hurt so i got tears in my eyes... .but was fighting to keep it together... .and the therapist coldly states "We didn't come here to get upset"... .Like I am an f'ing 5-year-old.  I mean I have had a lot of therapy with someone qualified... .THE safest place to feel your feelings should be in a therapist's office.  I was just dumbfounded by how unprofessional this woman was... .and it was like ... .I walked in there and the plan was to gang up on me and set me straight.  I can't believe that the therapist believed all the God-knows-what my ex said about me... .instead of meeting me and getting to know me... . It was extremely abusive in my book.  I was in rough shape emotionally and this woman was just bashing me and treating me disrespectfully.  The funny thing is ... .I begged my ex to talk to someone... .so in a twisted way... .I brought more sickness upon myself! I can laugh about it sometimes now.  Sick stuff.
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Infared
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« Reply #68 on: January 21, 2015, 03:03:52 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

WOW?  ... .how could someone listen to her and make all these assumptions?  HUH?

at least in my case this was "HER" therapist, acquired at my behest as the relationship was blowing up and she was talking suicide.  I even called her step Mom and asked her to help her find someone... .I cared about her and knew in spite of everything that she could use some counseling.  I didn't know that she would form the Axis of Evil with her!

... .boy ... did that boomerang on me! LOL!
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Maternus
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« Reply #69 on: January 21, 2015, 03:09:22 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #70 on: January 21, 2015, 03:25:39 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

Lots of folks with personality disorders choose the "helping" fields; pretty handy really, project all you crap on someone else and then fix them.  So just to judge someone I've never met, you might have walked into a borderline party, no wonder it sucked.

Excerpt
This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T.



Yes but isn't it cool when we learn?  The more we learn about the disorder the more transparent the borderlines in our lives become; mine seemed laughably ridiculous in the end, which was a welcome change.
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fred6
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« Reply #71 on: January 21, 2015, 03:35:44 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 

I wish I could have made it to a T with her. When she dropped the hammer on me I told her that we should at least go talk to someone before just ending the R/S. She said, "Fine, my weekly appointment with my church councilor is next Monday at 11 if you want to go". The Sunday before, she canceled and said that, "It won't do any good". She never planned on going in the first place. She never wanted to try and resolve whatever issues were present in the relationship. I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase.

Anyhow, good riddance.
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Infared
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« Reply #72 on: January 21, 2015, 03:42:38 PM »

I had something similar happen during my marriage... .we went to a T... .I had never met him before or spoke with him... .she raged about me for 10 minutes straight... .I didn't even say a word... .most of what she said was pretty much her letting off steam; just feelings, accusations and half truths... .after she was done, the T turned his chair towards me, looked me squarely in the eye and told me that our relationship was toxic and the cause of the toxicity was me! I didn't say anything to him past shaking his hand!

I felt that this was irresponsible as I think that it is for a T to talk for 10 minutes and say what yours did.

This is the problem with this nasty disorder. It makes them extremely manipulative. They can manipulate everyone who can't see through their façade, even a T. 

I wish I could have made it to a T with her. When she dropped the hammer on me I told her that we should at least go talk to someone before just ending the R/S. She said, "Fine, my weekly appointment with my church councilor is next Monday at 11 if you want to go". The Sunday before, she canceled and said that, "It won't do any good". She never planned on going in the first place. She never wanted to try and resolve whatever issues were present in the relationship. I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase.

Anyhow, good riddance.

Same here... .I was dumbfounded with the abrupt "I am leaving you" ... .a week before Christmas.  I was just a mess ... .totally blinded-sided... .I suggested going to counseling (not knowing she was already in a new relationship) and she said "No, that is what married people do"... .in an extremely cold ... .zombie-like voice... .  it was like whosh ... .the warm person I had known for 5 years just vanished... .left the room... .gone. 

I didn't know it was like you said: "I guess she just wanted to get mounted by the new guy and have a new honeymoon phase. "

Right on the money.  Ice b___.  Very troubling to me.
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #73 on: January 21, 2015, 05:01:58 PM »

"We're not compatible."

I finally agreed with her and walked out. She tried to backtrack and said that she was just talking out loud and didn't mean it. Upon further analysis, what she really meant is she was THINKING we aren't compatible, but wasn't supposed to say it. It still means the same thing.

And she was right. We aren't compatible. The only time she'll ever be compatible with anyone is in the first three months of their relationship.
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Mutt
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« Reply #74 on: January 21, 2015, 05:24:11 PM »

Staff only

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit. It's a worthwhile topic and you're welcome with starting a new topic of discussion.
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