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Author Topic: This just doesn't makes any sense - 3  (Read 3823 times)
Grey Kitty
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« Reply #30 on: January 23, 2017, 03:21:55 PM »

I doubt she broke it off over something "small, trivial, and stupid".

I have no doubt told you that was why. But she said a lot of things that were untrue and nuts, besides that, right?

Chances are that the true "reason" is in her head, and has to do with her history and her mental illness--things that have little to do with you.

Perhaps she doesn't understand it, and she's really unlikely to ever explain it to you.
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Portent
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« Reply #31 on: January 23, 2017, 05:23:21 PM »

I doubt she broke it off over something "small, trivial, and stupid".

I have no doubt told you that was why. But she said a lot of things that were untrue and nuts, besides that, right?

Chances are that the true "reason" is in her head, and has to do with her history and her mental illness--things that have little to do with you.

Perhaps she doesn't understand it, and she's really unlikely to ever explain it to you.

All my wife can ever say is.

'I thought you would be more.'

She doesn't know what it means. I didn't know what it meant. But I do now.

Like all pwBPD she was expecting me to fill that gaping hole in the center of her heart. I gave her my absolute love and it didn't fill it. So she moved onto the next one in her never ending search for what she is missing.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #32 on: January 23, 2017, 06:38:03 PM »

I doubt she broke it off over something "small, trivial, and stupid".

I have no doubt told you that was why. But she said a lot of things that were untrue and nuts, besides that, right?

Chances are that the true "reason" is in her head, and has to do with her history and her mental illness--things that have little to do with you.

Perhaps she doesn't understand it, and she's really unlikely to ever explain it to you.

Well, I did ask her if she was thinking about the past the night before the breakup and she said "mmhmm" and then proceeded to throw some of my past mistakes in my face.

Whether or not she was thinking of MY past mistakes, or something else in her past, I don't know. But I feel like our argument the few days before the breakup may have reminded her of my mistakes from the past few years (breakup in the hospital, insults during arguments, yelling back at her when she raged). I had asked her "do you want me to leave you alone?" since she was so upset (but just until she calmed down) and that seemed to make her rage more. Did I trigger abandonment issues? Did I somehow remind her of the hospital breakup or other things I had done?

And yes, she said a lot of things that never added up and seemed untrue... Some of them I proved to be lies.
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Technique
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« Reply #33 on: January 23, 2017, 07:14:16 PM »

Four years together... I was her longest relationship. We had a few long periods of stability, but in the end it turned into a disaster. This was just over 3 weeks ago.

But since she stayed with me longer than anyone else, does that mean I was the best in her eyes?

I would suggest any man who saw through their BS and dumped them during the infatuation period are the ones which mean most to them. The longer you're with these people the less they respect/want/need us. From their 'I hate myself' perspective, they cannot respect anyone who actually loves them, because they don't love themselves, at all.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #34 on: January 23, 2017, 07:55:30 PM »

I would suggest any man who saw through their BS and dumped them during the infatuation period are the ones which mean most to them.

I did breakup with her once during the infatuation period, which was about 9 months into the relationship, just after things started to go south.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #35 on: January 23, 2017, 08:21:53 PM »

Matt, you have to make sense of this for yourself. And if you need help, look for sane, wise, perceptive people to provide it. Your ex is not going to give you an explanation that works or helps.

At least the chance of that is about as good as the chance that she will come back and have a healthy relationship with you!   
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FallenOne
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« Reply #36 on: January 24, 2017, 09:09:45 AM »

Straightforward question. When they left you for a replacement, how long did it last before your replacement did something to piss them off or upset them and they were begging for your attention again?
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love4meNOTu
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« Reply #37 on: January 24, 2017, 11:23:30 AM »

I haven't heard from xhBPD since the mutual discard. I know a lot of people experience recycling, but that did not happen in my case.

His romantic history said as much as well. Once he discarded, that person was never painted white again.

Matt, may I ask you if you want the relationship back? And are trying to figure out a timeline as to when she will be back?

If so, may I suggest that you start thinking about what you need to do to feel better?

I know when I was obsessing about the disorder, and researching like crazy trying to figure out "why", I did myself a great disservice. I neglected working on me, and healing. I hope better for you.

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FallenOne
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« Reply #38 on: January 24, 2017, 11:41:58 AM »

Matt, may I ask you if you want the relationship back? And are trying to figure out a timeline as to when she will be back?

I don't necessarily want the relationship back, but would like to be on better terms at least and "clear the air" of misunderstandings...

If so, may I suggest that you start thinking about what you need to do to feel better?

That would make me feel better... I just want to hear about what other people have experienced.

I know when I was obsessing about the disorder, and researching like crazy trying to figure out "why", I did myself a great disservice. I neglected working on me, and healing. I hope better for you.

Maybe so, and I see what you're saying, but at the moment, I can't just go "enjoy life" with everything that I have on my mind... It's physically impossible for me to do this right now... I am taking things one day at a time and it's a slow process. This all just happened 5 weeks ago and I'm not ready to move on and it occupies most of my thoughts. It's not as easy as just trying to forget about it and go have fun...
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« Reply #39 on: January 24, 2017, 11:55:42 AM »

Believe me I understand.

Five weeks is so very early in the detaching process, and people grieve on their own timelines. I had many of my friends asking me when I was going to stop focusing on him and what had happened, and I just wasn't ready to hear it.

Eventually it led me to therapy, which then led me to see my doctor, which led to antidepressants. Once I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I began to get better. But it didn't happen until I stopped ruminating about what had I done, what he had done, who was wrong, who was right... just an endless cycle of rumination.

Therapy helped me stop ruminating, which was feeding my depression.

Honestly, it took me about a year to recover. But, I worked very hard at pinpointing what it was about ME that kept me in a dysfunctional relationship. Because let's face it, I made a choice to marry that person, and I knew there were problems. Yet even with those red flags, I charged ahead.

I still question myself - but it no longer needs to be about him anymore. It's about me, if that makes sense to you.

I'm so glad you are posting here, it was so very helpful to me - and still is.

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« Reply #40 on: January 24, 2017, 12:27:54 PM »

I think a major reason a 'relationship' with a BPD lasts for longer than a few months is b/c the BPDex is likely filling in several voids for you the non.

Their involvement with us is very superficial, and eventually their positive emotions for us begin to fluctuate wildly, whether we choose to see that or not.  We want it to work, and at many times, it can take years before we realize that much we experienced was TOTALLY different for them.

THEY have perhaps come to you at a time when you really missed/needed validation and romance, or perhaps a 'spark' in your life, not to mention that you may also subscribe to fantasies of an 'ideal' love.

Longest/greatest are not good factors to use in gauging dysfunctional relationships.  It's the dynamic that needs to be explored, and I, like many on here, realized that over the course of 3 years with my BPDex, I lost sight of a lot of reality esp. meeting my wants and needs, all to keep a superficial relationship running on inertia.

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« Reply #41 on: January 24, 2017, 01:06:51 PM »

At the beginning it was couple of weeks or months depending on whoever was using and discarding her at the time.

I went NC for 8 years but she stalked me online, got my number and started it all again. Now there's usually a 6/8 week gap between her poking me again.
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« Reply #42 on: January 24, 2017, 01:46:00 PM »

my ex BPDgf had an ex-boyfriend that she considered her best friend ever because he was there for her in college during her suicide attempt and initial diagnosis of BPD, plus she moved to my town because of him and his job. They stopped being a "couple" after two years because she always screwed around on him (surprise, surprise) but she has always insisted that he will be the one she marries because it's almost like she owes him for putting up with her ___ all these years, and he understands her the best. Of course she has probably been with over 40 guys or more in the ensuing three years where he has been relegated to "best friend" status. Even in our relationship she would still see this guy at least once a week just to eat dinner with him and his roommates... .many times because she would be drunk on a work night after dinner, she would spend the night but insisted that she always slept on the couch because of our relationship... .the ex-boyfriend got layed off from his job in November and he was moving home on the other side of the country during Thanksgiving (which I secretly rejoiced as I thought he was totally manipulating her). It was a total ___ show... .he kept pushing is leave date back, my gf was drinking, crying, agonizing at losing him... .she had no compassion for what it was doing to our relationship... .I spent weeks getting her regulated again after that mess, only for her to tell me three weeks later that she was flying out to see him for 10 days over the holidays... .no concerns for us, no discussion, I needed to accept it as she was going out to help with an intervention for his alcoholic father... .even though she was an alcoholic herself and refused to get BPD treatment... .and I later found out that she never really got to see his father but maybe once for 10 minutes... .and she went on a romantic ski trip with her ex and another couple... .but I'm sure she slept on the couch... .she dumped me when she came back... .

Of course, I thought I was her best and longest relationship since her time with him years ago... .but if she is going to screw around on him (the guy she is going to marry some day when she stops screwing around) then I was just another guy at another time in her life; so what does it matter to me if she thinks I was the best?
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« Reply #43 on: January 24, 2017, 02:43:14 PM »

Straightforward question. When they left you for a replacement, how long did it last before your replacement did something to piss them off or upset them and they were begging for your attention again?

I will challenge you that it's not really a straight forward question and the quality of your questions are important to healing. You would do better to dig a little deeper as members will be able to engage you more. That's better than asking lots of tangential questions and abandoning the responses.

Isn't the real question, how likely am I to be amble to resolve the conflict we had 5 weeks ago that ended up with her getting a RO and taking up with another man, and get back together?  And if not get back together, have her apologize for doing the RO and validate you?

Isn't the place to ask this the Saving board?

If you're detaching (and, yes I know, this really sucks), a better question might be How do I resolve this hurt I feel for losing her - especially with another guy now in the picture - and how to I resolve the injustice/humiliation I feel for having a restraining order tagged on me.

It's hard but you have to dial in on what you're facing and what you might want.

Which question and board makes sense for you right now?
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« Reply #44 on: January 24, 2017, 05:00:08 PM »

At the beginning it was couple of weeks or months depending on whoever was using and discarding her at the time.

I went NC for 8 years but she stalked me online, got my number and started it all again. Now there's usually a 6/8 week gap between her poking me again.
May I ask how did you know you were being stalked online? I belive my ex is stalking me on FB. Every time I change my profile pic she does hers. And she even set her her picture the same way mine is. I'm blocked but a mutual friend of ours showed me and boy it's scary. My ex discarded me Sept 2015. Got the usual Fake FB messages , hang ups emails etc. Crazy. They don't want us but there happy Stalking us.
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« Reply #45 on: January 24, 2017, 05:06:47 PM »

"I love you, you're intoxicating, but you're not good for my mental health"

I think this is a classic soft goodbye, easy let down.

It's me, not you.
I love you but I'm not in love with you.

People often feel guilty breaking up - especially when the other person really didn't do anything to deserve it. Women, especially, have a lot of guilt.

It's hard, because this is one time we really try to hear them.

I think any form of "I want to go backward in this relationship (back to friends, back to maybe another day, back to when I'm healthy, back to when the Cubs first won the World Series) is it's over. It could be a timid, unsure, I'm over.

That's my thought.

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FallenOne
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« Reply #46 on: January 24, 2017, 05:29:38 PM »

Did you enjoy the roller coaster ride?

I didn't even realize I was on one at first... I thought it was just typical relationship arguments and blowups, until the frequency and severity of it increased with time. I enjoyed the highs for sure, but when the lows came, I was always waiting around for the highs to come back because they were so good.

It is a roller coaster ride where you are waiting for the highs. Over time, the highs got lower and lower until they became almost non-existent.

Exactly. I was (and still am) like an addict waiting around for a "fix" or waiting for the good times to come back... I even remember having several conversations with her about "getting back to the way things were" and "getting back to how things were in the beginning" and she agreed but it never came...

Do you think there would ever be a time when she would go a significant period of time without something going on? Were you wanting to spend the rest of your life on that roller coaster ride?

Oh yes, absolutely. There were periods of months at a time where nothing happened sometimes, and that gave me a lot of hope that it could stay that way. But there was no such thing as a simple argument, almost all of them blew up and escalated into huge blowout arguments. I wanted to (and still do) spend my life with her, but I don't think she's capable of being stable for any length of time.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #47 on: January 24, 2017, 05:39:33 PM »

Isn't the real question, how likely am I to be amble to resolve the conflict we had 5 weeks ago that ended up with her getting a RO and taking up with another man, and get back together?  And if not get back together, have her apologize for doing the RO and validate you?

How do I resolve this hurt I feel for losing her - especially with another guy now in the picture - and how to I resolve the injustice/humiliation I feel for having a restraining order tagged on me.

Which question and board makes sense for you right now?

Honestly, both questions make a lot of sense to me right now, and I'm asking myself both, but I don't know how to answer them...

I wish I knew how to answer both of those questions. Maybe someone can help me answer them?

She's seeing a girl though (who she left multiple times to come back to me)

That is one of the most frustrating things right now... That I still love this person and they cut me out of their lives overnight and got an RO and I have no explanation, no reasons, no closure, no nothing... And I'm not even able to make any legal contact to try and resolve this or get anything out of her... After four years, can't be friends, can't even make amends or be on good terms?

I still don't even know what happened that caused her to want to leave... I was never given a chance to explain myself or anything.
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« Reply #48 on: January 24, 2017, 07:53:50 PM »

It was me the question was directed to so I'll reply anyway.

I have a business website and I can view my visitor stats. About 6 months before she recontacted me I noticed I was getting daily visits from a network identified as the place where she used to work when I last saw her.

Then when she finally did get in touch she made mention of several very specific things that were on my Facebook page.

Also I'm a member of a very specific hobby forum website. In a subsection of that website forum there is a thread where we discuss general daily issues that get us down. I mentioned my crazy ex who had got back in touch and was bringing me down (I didn't know about BPD at that point). I got several responses telling me what to do including one to block her number. So I did. (Pointless me changing my number as it has to be available on my business website) The next morning I got an angry text from a new number saying how dare I talk about her online. I was completely freaked out - she'd been stalking me on my hobby website for months. She'd read I'd blocked her number so bought a new phone the next day to berate me. Now, keep in mind by admitting she'd read my posts she'd just outed herself as stalking me - but she was completely fine with that, the issue was that I was asking for advice about my crazy ex online. How dare I?

Me asking for advice = bad
Her stalking and being found out = yeah, she's ok with that.

Turns out she'd also been stalking me via instagram and backtracked my username to that forum.

She's admitted all of this now and just laughs it off - but it was creepy as ___ for a while. That was two years ago now.

She still does it, only two weeks ago she drunk texts me telling me I'm sad for having online friends. It's just water off a ducks back now - I kind of take solace knowing she's going to spend her life in an unhappy marriage. That sounds mean I know, but we all deal with these things in our own way.

---

As for why they do it, why stalk us? I kind of get the feeling they know we're the best they ever had. They have a life but it's not great, probably run of the mill average, and they see us as an always available retreat - the one who was always there for them and completes them the way they complete us, but that doesn't ever mean they're coming back or you should take them back. We're a fantasy figure for them as much as they are for us - we're just as addictive from a distance. They like to keep tabs because they're territorial and jealous and don't want anyone moving in on their territory. - they like to keep us in reserve for a fix.

If you think they're stalking you, the best thing you can do is live a happy life, get in shape and look good and let them know just what they're missing.

That or ignore them - you deserve better.
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« Reply #49 on: January 24, 2017, 08:04:24 PM »

A month, when it's happened in the past.

However this time 'feels' different. Also, although part of me wants a relationship, I kinda was trying to get out of it regardless.
In a way, it was a mutual breakup and I even wrote her to express that.
This actually has been our longest NC period. Working on almost 2 months

So in this sense, Ima assume I'll get something 6 months to a year out. If not that, then never. Which is fine, although it'll be a long journey to actually 'feel' fine.
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« Reply #50 on: January 24, 2017, 08:50:55 PM »

well... .there's "trauma bonding."  That is when you go through a lot of ups and downs with someone (even if they are the cause of the ups and downs) then the attachment we feel towards them is greater compared to an attachment that has little or no conflict.

Then there's the "Sunk-Cost Fallacy." If I've already put in so much emotional/time investment into a relationship, I might be more inclined to stick it out further because I don't want to "waste" all my previous investment.

Because that which is causing us pain is also perceived as the most immediate means to alleviate us from this pain.  Sounds more or less like an addictive substance, no?


It's because you associate that person with pleasure instead of pain. Just like Trent Shelton says. We go back to what makes us feel good even though it's bad for us because of all the feelings of pleasure we associate with that person. When you learn to associate something different to them you feel differently towards them. So you have to take that association you have with them which is pleasure and remember all the bad things they did and associate their name or who they are to pain!
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« Reply #51 on: January 24, 2017, 11:39:12 PM »

I agree with ICESOUL and my situation, she's now with a guy who has passion(i.e. quick sex) not interested in her long term, drinks more than moderately, smokes, and a job at his age... .well.

I also felt at times like I was raising a child, she had a PhD, don't know if her very strict parents or Catholic school played a part or not but there were times when the saying "They have a PhD but can't tie their shoe" really fit.  She would stir fry with the lid off, grease splatters over all the other burners.  Next night, cooking, smoke alarm goes off, gets on a chair and waves a magazine at the detector and says why does this thing keep going off.  Happened at least 20 times, I mention put the lid on and what do I get... .the silent treatment.  She cooked late, I worked early, finally told her if the alarm wakes me up again at midnight and I have to be up at 4 am, I will start spending my early shifts nights at my house.  Of course it happened again and she complains and pouts I only spend 6 nights a week at her place.  If I live to be 150, I will never understand that and taught her to ride a bicycle, easy shift, she god good at riding but on a hill I nicely numerous times told her how to downshift w/o even having to take her hand off the handlebar, never learned and again the silent treatment.  A 7 year old could have followed all the above with ease, so why oh why did virtually nothing ever sink in.  I was kind, gentle, teach part time in complex environments and applied all the training, patience, support, reinforcement and good jobs I could and yet I also felt like ICESOUL, a dad rather than a fiance.  I think BPD's are such a tangled web that even the brightest of us all if we're not familiar with BPD can and do get entangled in the web they call their life.  It's also what makes it so difficult to break-up and recover from and unknown person.
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« Reply #52 on: January 25, 2017, 01:39:47 AM »

 Because there's a part of us broken to. It takes this experience to realise.
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« Reply #53 on: January 25, 2017, 04:42:12 AM »

This was almost the strangest thing about the whole relationship. After the discard, I had about a year of this, blank emails, withheld number phone calls, coming to social events she knew I'd be at, following me on "Meetup" (a website with events for people to socialise at).

Did she ever actually talk to me... .No

It was the start of realising just how messed up she is - no normal person would do this.

She was very manipulative, when she came to the social events I was at, she would go out of her way to hang around near me, flirt with other guys, but not once actually talk to me. A few times, she hung around near me on her own, kinda inviting me to come over. The two times I did, I was immediately punished - once by being told to go away, the second time by her just walking away.

Why do it? Why put all that effort into someone you'd dumped?

In my case, I think it was a combination of

- seeing if I'm still interested
- maintaining the drama and crisis
- giving herself an ego boost
- filling the void in her life left by her ending the relationship
- punishing me for not begging for her to come back
- trying to prevent me from moving on
- showing me how little I meant to her by giving me the silent treatment

Of course, the weird thing is that the effort she put into all this showed that on some level I really did matter to her and that she herself found it hard to just move on like a normal person would after dumping their partner.

I gave it a term... ."stalking but not talking"

It is really sick and sad, but in a way helped convince me to not go back or think it could ever work. To me this is the behaviour of a child and no adult relationship would be possible with her.

She's left me alone now for about 6 or 7 months, but I do have an anxiety that she may start the games again one day, I guess that is the consequence of getting involved with someone who is mentally ill.






 
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« Reply #54 on: January 25, 2017, 05:00:11 AM »

Mine was just a lot more direct and "dangled" herself (eg showing up where she knew I would be, or bumping into me at work, or coming up with a completely BS reason for reaching out to me).

I think the reasons are possibly the same... .they fear abandonment, so want to keep some connection with us on some level. They also want to be in control. And they get depressed due to their emptiness.

In your case, "connection" may be stalking, in my case she wants interaction as it helps with her depression as I make her feel better (at least temporarily). But they probably want to be in control as well... .so mine will duck in, make contact, then break contact once her needs are met. I then can't abandon her, she is abandoning me. Your's may just feel the need to see you, then want out as it is too scary for any more.
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« Reply #55 on: January 25, 2017, 11:25:34 AM »

You are not addicted to HER. You are addicted to the "idea" of her.

What she has presented you when things were "good" was her false self. She showed you her TRUE self when she filed a restraining order on you, when she slept with other people and lied to you. THAT is who she really is, stripped down to her core.

Many times we are also addicted to the drama. All the break ups and they came back... .until they finally didn't which left you WANTING another "fix".

When the game changes that's when we are forced to take a long hard look at ourselves. There is nothing special about your ex.

It sounds mean but there isn't. There are hundreds of others out there just like her, using and abusing others.

Why do we WANT that? It doesn't sound all that great, does it?

When it comes down to it you have to find it within yourself to break the pattern. In your situation you are being forced to not speak with her, for fear of legal action.

Work on why you put up with this behavior. If a stranger did these things to you would you tolerate it?

That is EXACTLY what she is, a stranger. She never lived up to any promises and changed on a dime right?

You never really knew her. The person you wanted her to be never existed.
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #56 on: February 01, 2017, 01:30:15 AM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked due to reaching its post limit. 

The discussion is continued here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304770.0
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