POLL Belief 1: This person holds the key to your happiness

[Mutt]

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with BPD

This article has helped many start the healing process and accept our partners dysfunction more than any other article on the site. I often read on the Crises board, how do we move past this?. Well, let's all take a look at the false thinking that holds us back and share our own thoughts and experiences in this regard.
 

Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness "We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off. Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality. You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope."

For me; it was completely true. I couldn't fathom what life would be like without her, she was the center of my universe at one point and I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. I had my identity wrapped up in the r/s because I was busy helping and fixing things for her, I thought that was what being happy was about, what do I do without her?

What about you?

More information:
 
Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder (full article)
1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness
2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel
3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance
4) Belief that love can prevail
5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"
6) Clinging to the words that were said
7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard
8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder
9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.
10) Belief that they have seen the light

[Harley Quinn]

He had taken over my life - it was all consuming.  In so many ways at the end it was extremely negative but I still had the flashes of 'hope' he gave in intermittent reinforcement.  Those times where the dream was kept alive, the possibility of the castles in the air.  I always wanted to be a princess, after all... . 

I had been hooked at the idealisation stage alright.  When we met I felt pretty worthless, past it and unlikely to ever attract another mate after the 10 year toxic r/s I'd exited 18 months earlier.  I was a single mum with low self esteem and a chronic pain condition.  Didn't rate my chances of being adored very highly.  Neither was I even on the market for a relationship. 

We met in the gym.  Suddenly I was the most amazing and beautiful woman on earth.  My codependent tendency soon saw an opportunity to help someone who was open about mental health issues and struggles in life.  My heart melted for him and we were quickly enmeshed.  I felt swept off my feet, brought alive by the passion of our r/s and his hopes for our future.  An idea I was receptive to because I deep down was seeking someone to value me in a way I didn't value myself.  To fill the void, dispel my fears and be the person who truly saw me for who I am.  Once we were over, I could not see myself feeling the same fierce love for anyone else and felt the dream was shattered.  He had been everything I never knew I always wanted. 

Turns out that was myself.   

[Seenowayout]

She was my everything. It started out like a dream. She loved me so much and it felt so good.  She tattooed my name on her side. She kept every little flower and note I gave her. We texted constantly. We were truly happy. But then when's  she had me completely she started to change. She wanted me around all the time, more than humanly possible, and when I was around she would bark at me for his and that. I couldn't hang with friends, family ... .my work was suffering because she wouldn't understand if I had to stay late. She accused me of all kinds of crazy stuff. But she still held the source of my happiness.  I gave everything up for this after all.  So I kept trying to swim as the water got hotter and hotter. I tried to make her happy. And she continued to make me feel so bad.  Like I was an evil person.  I'll never forget looking at her once after one of her rages and thinking -- I have to get out of this.  But my heart said -- nope. No way out. She gave me worth. Sick. Codependent. Bizarre.  I kept promising and giving her more and more. Until I snapped and I finally hurt her in an awful passive aggressive way, because I couldn't talk to her without her raging -- and then she disappeared completely. Erased me. Moved on. The latest bad man in her string of bad relationships. And she cannot see that she had any role in any of her life's drama?  Or can she? Maybe that's the root of all this. As long as I said she was my diamond girl she was fine. But she knew she wasn't and couldn't stand me asking for relief -- not fo a minute. So weird. So codependent. But the answer was yes definitely -- I believed (and knew) she held the keys to my happiness

[once removed]

i voted "possibly, but not likely".

relationship was uniquely special and that they will never find anyone who makes them feel that way again.

on one hand, i believed during the relationship that she was "the one". on the other, i had felt that way about someone before, and then felt very differently about that later, and i guess i had come to believe, generally, that breakups happen for a reason, that if that happens it "wasnt meant to be", and that there are others for me out there. a part of me knew id never see her as "the one who got away".

having said that, i remember describing myself after the breakup as "wilting" without her. i certainly felt in that moment that she was the key to my happiness.

and of course, the relationship was uniquely special in many ways. there were many "firsts". it was my first adult relationship really; my longest relationship before it had been three months where this was just shy of three years. that was a big loss.

[spacecadet]

I appreciate this survey, although the idea that another person holds the key to my happiness is pretty foreign to me. I may have felt this way when I was 20 or so, don't remember. But for most of my life I believe my ability to weather storms and create a joyful, meaningful life is between me and my creator, while friendship and connections with other people can enhance my happiness. Like icing on the cake, but the cake is mine to figure out.

Thank you for this!

[Skip]

uniquely special

I struggled with this. She was uniquely special. The truth is that she was. The relationship was. It was romance of a lifetime until external crisis changed things. As hard as we both tried, things never resolved after that. She was very hard to deal with. Way up. Way down.

To try to deal with it all, I tried to convince myself that she wasn't special. I knew all her problems and I tried to focus on that. It helped for a little while, but it never felt right.

It took a long time for me to be ok with the fact that she was special. I will never replace that. But when I look back at the good relationships in my life, they were all special.

[blueblue12]

I definitely felt that way. She was the key to everything in my life. When she left me I couldn't not see a future, it took me a while to settle into my new life without her. I had everything planned around her. My life was entirely dependent on the marriage which I was convinced would last forever. Like others here I had my share of horrible times, times where her rage was so over the top that I would think deep down I can't do this anymore, but... .I was never really going to leave her, she was my special companion. My T has been helping me for sometime now into working on myself, on being happy and making myself happy first. It is slowly developing and taking shape. I do miss her though... .despite some horrible times... .

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I used to think my ex at one time held the key to my happiness. I thought that if I did everything he wanted, he would be happy and then I would be happy. It never worked. Nothing I did was ever enough.  I now know that we each hold the key to our own happiness.

Looking back, I never really truly thought he was the "one". I had been through a string of abusive relationships and he seemed like a nice safe guy. I was so so wrong. It took me nearly 20 years to come to terms with that. I had been emotionally exhausted and shut down when I met him and stayed that way during our marriage until I finally woke up and realized how bad things with him really were.

[vanx]

Very much so.

I hadn't been in a relationship or even dating really for 4 years. She introduced herself to me at work and felt like the woman I had been waiting for. She was sweet, highly intelligent and observant, sensitive, and had a great sense of humor. We both seemed to feel pretty lucky we had found each other, but we also had incredibly tense situations together, where we both felt hurt and pushed away, and were unable to resovle things in the moment.

Why did she control my happiness? I saw the fragile child inside her. I identified with her high sensitivity and pain, and every fibre of my being wanted to comfort her and be there for her, and I felt like someone I wanted to be when I was strong, when I stayed steady in the wake of her volatility.
Also, she saw me, understood me I thought. She saw the good in me and having that reflected by a vibrant and passionate woman made me feel complete. So when she criticized me it cut so deep--I needed her to like me again. So much seemed to depend on how she saw me... .it's what built me up and pieced me together.

She was the person I was looking for and I lost her. I consider her to
be one of the two major loves of my life, but in taking back my own power, I hope to grow a great deal as a person. That is the gift she gave to me and part of why I still love her, but romantic love is not everything. It is less meaningful than a sense of inner peace and balance.

[Mutt]

So when she criticized me it cut so deep--I needed her to like me again. So much seemed to depend on how she saw me... .it's what built me up and pieced me together.

That's good articulation, I had similar feelings.

[gotbushels]

uniquely special and that they will never find anyone who makes them feel that way again

I struggled with these ideas too.

Flourdust, I do think there is some truth to that statement that a person may feel that they'll "never find anyone who makes them feel that way again". I think this. Individually, we're all unique in our makeup of traits. The situation we're put into with a person also creates a unique experience. So it's partially true that we won't go through that again. I cherished the rareness of those feelings from an intimate relationship.

"Oh my gal is the most attractive out of so many people."
"No one will get into this relationship like how we have."
"No other guys can get what I want, and have--or had--at that time."

While these are all not wrong or invalid, when the relationship has been taken away, and we no longer get what we want, I found that I (along with many friends) like to romanticise what I had, as though it justifies some kind of truth that we are deserving of something "so great". That I'm worth as much as X value this relationship was to me. So I think that's where we may confuse the experiences of the relationship with our sense of self worth.

If I then go and ruminate in there--that area of self-worth--, without some kind of greater truth (God, presence, existence, deity, etc.), then I don't really have a good way of getting out, even if I wanted to. So it's a sticky thing. I feel this is when we might then move into the feelings area of our own personal "self termination". That feeling of being eliminated that seems to come with deep rejection that accompanies breakups with pwBPDs.

But when I look back at the good relationships in my life, they were all special.

I really appreciate this Skip. My version of this was more about those special feelings. I wanted "special" feelings with someone that I was intimate with. It contributed to the idea that I have some kind of soul mate that was destined to me by God to be my life partner. It's so easy to get absorbed into that.

From a feelings point of view, I felt unique feelings of attraction and affection with my previous romantic partners, but my body forgot about those feelings. They weren't present in my body when I was with a new person. So I can get such great feelings with people, just that I've nothing to remind me of it. So this person may not be so "special" after all--at least from a feelings perspective. It's so hard to see that separation amongst people when we individually have been so enmeshed with the partner.

"... .Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special. You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes. ... ."

The special has happened before, the special could happen again, but we don't feel that when we've just broken up. Remembering the good relationships in my life helped me to get out of "the funk", and still does.

[chillamom]

This, as with the other beliefs, makes a great question, and I think personally my own answer varied throughout the course of the relationship (I left him for good in July after the stress of dealing with both his volatility and the effects it had on me and my family landed me in the hospital).  At first I think I willingly handed him the keys to my happiness, the sun rose and set on him, he became my utter focus to an incredibly unhealthy extent, and I eagerly bent my life around his with deleterious consequences.  As the relationship progressed, I look back now and see that there was maybe one year out of 9 years total that had relative normalcy associated with it, and this was likely because he was living with me for part of that time and felt somewhat secure, and also more likely because I had abandoned all of my friends and other pursuits to cater to him (I obviously still went to work because he sure as heck didn't, but rushed to be by his side immediately afterwards, eschewing many opportunities that could have been beneficial to my career in exchange for "helping" him with the crisis du jour).

It's hard to know exactly when, but I REALLY internalized the fact that things were doomed probably around March of 2014 when he became actively and probably dangerously delusional and was in the mental hospital for a time.  Despite that, I took him back and things were a rollercoaster for the next several years.  He believed and STILL believes that I hold the key to HIS happiness, and he texts me messages of that nature pretty much daily, but I certainly don't see him as holding the key to anything good for me. 
 
The problem for me going forward is NOT about returning to him.  I won't.  It is more the fact that I believe at some level that A MAN per se holds the key to my happiness.  I have never been single for long (not since 19), had a long marriage (30 years together) and then this 9 year relationship with the diagnosed BPD/NPD.  I am depressed and feel terribly alone.  I'm turning 60 next month and wish I could be happy and peaceful being single, but I was raised in such a way that marriage was the be-all and end-all, and I find it very hard to NOT be married or at least moving in that direction.  I kick myself all the time for being involved with the BPD/NPD for so many years because I certainly may have missed the boat on other possibilities.

I need to figure out and believe that a relationship isn't the key to my happiness... .with him or with anyone, but it's hard.  I have a wonderful job, 3 great daughters, and some good friends, but I really want a partner.  I'm afraid I'll either see red flags in everyone I meet (I've already turned down a few chances) or become a total hermit.  It's a confusing time and to make matters worse, the ex is STILL actively pursuing another recycle and I haven't gone NC out of guilt and not wanting to hurt him.  I don't see him at all, but the frequent text messages are still painful. 

Trying to focus on work and family (and maybe brownies) as better keys to happiness here.

[earlyL]

One of the toughest things my ex diagnosed BPD said during our break up was that 'there isn't just one person meant for us all'. The funny thing is I think she is right, but it was hard to hear this having just found out she was cheating on me. Although she kept saying she wanted us to work, her behaviour was so obviously that it was the end of the relationship.

My ex often said that she had never felt so alive with me, that had she known she could feel the way she did with me during her dark days then she could have gotten through them. I have thought a lot about co-dependency and although I was flattered to hear her say those things, I did know at the time they were red flags. I was however swept up as this was my first relationship with another woman and I thought we had a more solid connection, but in many ways I found the pressure of me being the key to her happiness too much. I try hard not to write my own narrative, but I did find that often I felt overwhelmed by her need to be with me. I can't help but think she sensed that and found someone who needed her more. She told a mutual friend recently that her lover likes to be in control, I think they are perhaps better suited.

So, I don't think she was the key to my happiness, but the life we were building together was definitely the key for me. I want so badly all the things we talked about. I did read her diary during our break up though - I am not proud of that, but in some ways it helped, I found in one of the last pages it said that she too wanted the life that we were building and couldn't understand why she was doing what she was doing. I have struggled with this a lot.

EL

[Edin]

I'll never forget looking at her once after one of her rages and thinking -- I have to get out of this.  But my heart said -- nope.

I so relate to this statement, I remember a couple of times thinking this... .I still don't understand why I couldn't. It is something that has been preoccupying my mind over the last months, why I didn't leave him when things were at its worst...

I responded 'not sure' to the question. I think I was going back and forth about the idea if he was going to be the key to my happiness. I think also because I didn't actually believe anymore happiness had to come from another person. I had learned to be alone, and I was actually in a good place before I met him. I had been single for many years, and a couple of times dated someone for a longer period but they didn't end up becoming relationships, and they were disappointing experiences. But eventually I got over that feeling of needing to be with someone, I had actually put the idea aside, and was actually happy and thankful for the life I was leading. And if it had to be alone, so be it.

When the first red flags were coming up after a few months, somewhere deep inside I realized this was a person with issues, a lot of issues. And then later on when the cyclical discussions, the arguments, the threatening behavior and the anger become worse,  I knew it was him who was suffering the most. And like was said before in this thread, somehow staying with him, gave my life purpose. We had promised each other to grow old together, to build up a life together, and just like I felt I deserve to be loved, I felt that he did too, so I wanted to stick to the deal by all means.   

Somehow naively I never actually thought it would come to a point where I wouldn't be needed by him anymore.

[Turkish]

Somehow naively I never actually thought it would come to a point where I wouldn't be needed by him anymore.

This is similar to a feeling common to many members here,  especially when our partners leave us for new ones who we deem not as pretty/rich/stable/mentally healthy/respectable/smart as we are.  

Interesting way to put it.

My ex's husband is definitely "prettier" than I am,  but the other things? Not even close.  He did,  however,  provide her a need at the time,  and that was (at the time), more significant than the other things.  What he provided to her what she thought (and later regretted) was the title of this thread.  

[Ironman85]

 I am able to recognize that she wasn't the be all end all of my happiness. I can reflect and see that as special as i was meant to feel in the beginning and at times, it was not something I was feeling for a long time. I thought our relationship was maturing to the point we were content with living the normal adult life where people don't have to be attached at the hip constantly, I wasn't aware this was building resentment on her end, because she could never communicate. Even in the beginning, I felt she was coming on strong with the LOVE BOMBING, but i was in a fragile broken place that needed that kind of adoration. As I grew I didn't need it as much, but the seeds were planted subconsciously... .The thing that will always stick with me when she was firing venom at me about the ending of our marriage was after I said I was never mean or hurtful "you never treated me like $#!T, BUT YOU SURE AS HE! DIDNT MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL". That sealed it for me, she wanted undying devotion and obsession... .I couldn't give that ontop of being the main adult. It is unrealistic for her to expect that of me or anyone. especially with some of the things that shes said and done over the years. I will find happiness and I hope the realistic happiness overrides the imprint shes left in my brain.

[JNChell]

I very much believed that she was the key to my happiness. It just sounds silly to even say now. I was miserable with her and nearly lost everything because of this belief. That belief wouldn’t allow me to let go. That belief kept me going back for more.

As I’m slowly finding my way out of all of this, I’m realizing that no one outside of myself holds the key to my happiness. I was groomed and conditioned at a very young age to rely on others for my happiness. This reliance was without boundaries, unpredictable and unrelenting. There was no consistency between how I acted and how I was reacted to. I was constantly struggling to find a way to be loved and accepted.

This has been with me for the whole ride. I’ve just recently figured it out and dropped it on the doorstep of a very fine psychologist.

Did my ex hold the key to my happiness? No. But she mirrored my hopes and dreams very well.

[Speck]

This article really hits me between the eyes because it was so true for me.

Over ten years, I lost who I was and just became this... .automaton for my uBPDxw's needs, wants, dreams, and wishes. At the time, I could not see that I had lost myself so thoroughly. No, I was too busy saving up money for her next large purchase (big-ticket item), too busy dodging her hateful behavior, too busy renovating the house to her specifications, too busy trying to forgive her for walking out on me (over and over), and too busy trying to be a great dad. Despite all this, if she was happy, then I was happy. That's how it went.

Back then, I didn't realize how many lies I had to tell myself in order to make this relationship "work." Back then, I didn't know that I was actually unhappy with this arrangement until she walked out on me for good. Back then, I didn't know that, one day, I would be flooded with the sweetest relief when she finally divorced me.

But, I do now.


-Speck

[Cromwell]

I voted not at all.

Not going to go into it in length because when I read what has already been posted, it strikes me how others have not just basically went through the same but it was like we were with the exact same person.

When you rely on other people for your happiness, as I did with my BPDx, it is like letting someone else sail the ship. By experiencing the extreme pain of what it is like to let someone else become the orchestrator of both happiness and pain - to that intensity level of the r/s, one of the biggest gifts Ive had is to start find happiness in myself.

During the R/S there were often times when I was apart from my BPDx and she would text me how I was feeling, id genuinely reply that I was feeling great and looking forward to being able to see her again soon (say after being apart for 3 days), even when I was apart from my ex I carried the heightened happiness with me. Her reply "oh, alright for some, I feel like ___, its because youve been away from me"

I often was made to feel guilty, but I couldnt get my head around the fact that this person made me so fulfilled and euphoric yet it was evident I didnt make her feel the same way.

Im single now and have been since 8 months, I enjoy the freedom to do my own things and not feel limited or having a role to play to be used by someone else. Im enjoying pursuing my career at the moment and other goals. I want a r/s in the future that is one which can extend my happiness but not be the core of it, and can reciprocate, because this with my ex was too demanding and too controlling. I somehow became conditioned to think that life wouldnt be the same without her - which is actually ended up true - it has ended up better without her.

but that idea seemed somehow unimaginable at the time.

[lighthouse9]

I answered possibly but not likely.

Our beginning was great, but not crazy idealization, or if it was I didn't sense that. Maybe my meter is off though, because my last significant relationship before her was with someone who was BPD or possible ASPD and she took the cake for idealization. After that relationship, I was pretty aware of the whole idealization thing.

I was attracted to her in the beginning, but not drug like attraction like I had in that past relationship. I felt pretty independent and yet really connected. Therefore, it's possible she was idealizing on her end and I just had no idea.

We got married fairly quickly for reasons having to do with her career, but again nothing felt like it was moving remarkably fast or felt over the top. Everything felt pretty rational and our love felt steady.

I didn't really get bad until this last year and even still, she felt strongly committed just troubled by our life not looking like she wanted it to, but that could be blamed on her career again. The devaluation felt out of nowhere and the discard even more out of nowhere. However, I got the sense that the devaluation was happening more than I knew behind the scenes and I developed some anxiety around that. It seemed like nothing was ever right and it was my job to make it better.

So, at first, no, I didn't feel like she held the key to my happiness. As some of my pursuits started to slip away though from following her career, I think I became more invested in our marriage as my main identity. But, she seemed to be right there with me and it was a reasonable thing to do in our community. It wasn't until she started to behave like an unmarried person that I felt like I was losing myself, and only then did it feel like she held the key to my happiness. Even then though, I feel like it was her necessarily but the life we built together. I was very invested in it and our future plans and was so eager to keep building a life with her.

During our separation, I've learned that she doesn't necessarily hold the key to my happiness, but that I was very happy with the life we were building together. I miss her and we complemented each other in a lot of ways, but I can't see myself being longterm happy with someone who feels the need to live a separate life or keep so much from me. I know it was her way of protecting herself and others from her illness, but I loved her illness, too. It wasn't separate from our marriage and didn't need to be hidden or kept a secret.

When given a shot at another relationship, with her or anyone else, I've learned to keep my hobbies and not invest my whole identity into being a married person. I'd like to be in a relationship where marriage was a central identity, and she was that person for a long time, but I won't do that at the expense of losing myself ever again.