Are you holding on to fantasies about someone who has hurt you? Is your fantasy holding you back?

If you've had a relationship with a self-absorbed person, it's common to develop and hold on to fantasies of revenge, recognition, and repair that are not realistic and hold back your healing.

The most constructive and enduring strategy for lessening or eliminating negative effects of the self-absorbed [person] on you is to develop a stronger and more resilient self... .Adopting constructive strategies is more rewarding in the long run than continuing to try to get [the person] to change, as the effort you put into changing him is unlikely to be successful. Turn your time, effort, and emotional investment to developing yourself.



INSTRUCTIONS: Take the poll and comment below, addressing these questions and adding any other comments:

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

Why identify these fantasies and what's wrong with having them?

These fantasies are helping your negative feelings persist, and they reinforce these bad feelings. They are fantasies because they are unlikely to happen just because you wish they would. Neither [the person who has hurt you] nor anyone else is going to change because you want them to. [The self-absorbed person] probably perceives events and situations differently than you do, or he is unaware of or insensitive to your wounding. Your wishes, dreams, and fantasies about your [self-absorbed relative, partner, ex-partner, or friend] are not helpful at all.

Adapted from Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd edition, by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC

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See list of all romantic relationship surveys

Well it's been a year as of today.  I don't fantasize much anymore, but back then I did. Though I think it might be partial dream/nightmare, and not.  Some things I would think about being with Nicole (my close friend that lives here who... .eh, there's an 8 year history that I just can't get into on this post), and the my ex and her mother would show up. Big fight would escalate and Nicole would basically be the one pushing her out the door and saying she'd call the cops on them if they didn't leave.  The ex and her mother would sit there, challenging that and waiting for me to come out and talk to them, then the police would come and cart them away. I'd wave  Hi!

1.  I settled custody "on the courthouse steps" - less than 24 hours before trial.  Looking back, I hadn't prepared well enough, so the settlement (50/50) was based on what the CE recommended, and if we had gone to trial, it would have probably gone the same way.  My fantasy is, if I could do it over again, preparing really well, I could have gotten primary custody, and that would have been better for the kids, and better for me too.  I think about a do-over - going back to court and getting all the important information that wasn't on the table at the time, out into daylight and onto the record.

2.  Used to be 5, now about 2.

3.  Not too much.  In fact I think it is a good thing in one way:  It helps me fight my tendency to comply with my ex's orders.  By knowing that this remains an option, I hold the line better when she gets aggressive;  and I've made it clear to her that if she makes it worth my while I might do that - go back to court, with the gloves off.  But getting from 5 down to 2 was important so I can focus on more positive things.

4.  I think talking openly about it has helped - to my ex, with a mediator present, to my counselor, and here.  There is a realistic side of it - an option that I have if push comes to shove - and a much bigger fantasy part - replaying what I should have done 3 years ago.  I think it's OK to keep the real part of it alive and talk openly about the fantasy part, but not dwell on it too much.

My r/s is with my BPDDD25 and the r/s with my gd6 who has always lived with dh and I, and we have had custody since she was 18mos. and the various BF/SIL's that have drifted through our lives. Almost need a map and a time-line.

Fantasy: DD will see the harm she has done, feel remorse and make amends. Harm to me as mom, to her daughter gd6, to other extended family relationships - could just keep building this one ad naueum    She is actually making a reality out of small parts of this fantasy - so the fantasy has shifted to believing the current more stable "good" cycle will last 'forever' would be a nice fantasy!, and for me to get over the constant 'looking over my shoulder' to see when the "bad" cycle is going to crash the party. Going on four months of her self-control, following the rules to stay in our home, being supportive of gd6 in her daily routines, etc ---- the longest 'good' cycle in all the 25 years of her life that I have seen.

This had reached a number 5 strength fantasy for me - especially the ruminations about something crashing her stable place - most likely something that can be projected onto me. And this is making me ill - physically ill/exhausted, emotionally unstable - a crabbie grammi/mommi/wifey, cognitively very distracted. Have been very hypervigilant about keeping everything in the household under 'control' - DD is living here with bf along with the 'regulars' - me, dh and gd6. I ended up with a serious facial cellulitis infection and in the hospital on IV antibiotics for 5 DAYS. And came home to a perceived shift in all the power away from me into the hands of the current bf living with DD, and therefore with the family. So I was very distressed, depressed, and just wanted to go back to the hospital or get in the car and keep driving til I ran out of gas - this would be where to start a new life   :'(.

So I have been taking steps to be more aware the paradox of this fantasy - that things will continue to progress in a rosy pattern on and on concurrently with the constant fear of implosion or explosion destroying my life as I have come to know it now. I am trying to get more sleep, eat better, get more excercise (ie. walking the dog), I am working to let go of the belief that I have the power to control all the details of my household single-handed - delegating stuff to others and stopping my constant thinking about if they are doing to my standards or not (care of 2 puppies - a tiny one and a giant one; cooking and shopping for food - DD and bf are doing at least 1/2 of the family meals now and weekly grocery shopping and staying in the budget with my credit card - amazing!; limiting my time on the computer and spending more time in the evening with dh - realizing he does love me and misses my company, etc). I have also checked in with my pdoc to increase my bipolar meds and am seeing my T again - and he is supporting all the 'right' things that I have been doing and have trouble believing in, and is encouraging me to find ways to focus on my self-care while the home-front is more peaceful. So this means taking a piece of each day back for quiet pondering, meditation, reading, BREATHING. Getting away from so much thinking, thinking, thinking.

Impact:  I am doing better overall. The strength-o-meter has dropped down to about a 2. I am more aware when my thoughts get in the ruminating pattern and stop/breath/think of something else (well like driving - what color what that last stop-light  - driving is my most thought-absorbed time and boy is that dangerous and I get lost too). I set some new boundaries, with the help of a meeting with gd's school social worker that DD actually accompanied me on - that she reinforced for us that we need to keep gd feeling safe, almost like being in a 'box' of loving care. So I let everyone, esp. bf who was interfering in the dinner time routine/rules creating huge power struggles and no eating by gd, what was expected of gd. And this let gd know what was expected too. And she responded very quickly - taking control of what she eats and eating a little of everything the past few nights. I even researched online and printed off guidlines (research based - who can argue with that) for kids healthy eating habits. So it not just my random thinking. And bf/DD have stepped back from their constant pressure/criticism of gd about so many things that they see from a different perspective than dh and I have maintained with gd over the past several years that DD has been out of touch with gd's daily life.

Sorry if this is too long - appreciate the chance to share and for anyone willing to listen.

qcr  

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

Hmmmm, that I win the lotto and he reads about it and thinks, yikes she is richer than me.  That's about it as far as fantasies are concerned. Money is what he lived for, the possession of it and the power he felt accompanies wealth. I will never win the lotto so the fantasy is just that-a passing fantasy and highlights what happened in the course of our r/s. During the devaluation and discard, my low income became a factor of his scorn of me. Ouch, that hurt. I am in a field that will NEVER be a big bread winner but has blessed me with the ability to make a difference in peoples lives. For along time his comments gave me pause and then I remembered my core values.   I remembered who I am.   But yep, every now and then the lotto fantasy is there.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

I-passing thought

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

About once every four months I spend a buck on a lotto ticket.  

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

I evaluated my self esteem and core values due to how upset and crushed I felt when someone that I cared for and held in high regard was critical of my income. I am financially responsible, repay any debt I owe, and live within my means. I support my child and he does not lack any necessities of life. So what was bothering me? My own self doubts... that somehow high income is tied into success. It isn't. What money brings is a car that runs well, excellent health care and retirement... many of us are earning a living wage and may never retire. There is no shame in this.

I decided to stop allowing the exNPDbf negativity in my head. Money is his value, so be it, there is nothing wrong with his values, or mine. But, every once in awhile I do purchase the lotto ticket and think, okay-first I'll set up a foundation/center for victims of DV and then send him a picture of me laying with my millions on my satin sheets and sipping champagne.  

I used to have all kinds of fantasies about crazyx. I had millions of imaginary scenarios and conversations where I would be vindicated.

It took a long, long time... .but I don't have any fantasies about him at all now.  Don't wish him harm, don't wish him well, I have nothing to prove and I don't need/want anything from him. 

Oh wait!  I would like my money back. I could really use that $$ now, BUT... .I no longer have any fantasies about that happening or how that could/should work. The money is gone and so is he.  It was a small price to pay for my freedom and sanity.

I am grateful to be this far down the road.  I remember thining that I would never get to this place --- yet... .I did.

Now... .there's a few other people I need to deal with. .  Sigh.

turtle

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

I fantasize about S being/becoming open about the relationship with her friends and family and acknowledging that not doing so in the past has caused hurt and a lot of problems.  Though, to be honest, if the former happened, I would be fine (meaning I could move on fine) without the apology or acknowledgment. 

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

Given the relationship hinges on this more then any other issue, it's something frequently on my mind.  That said, S is very early into therapy and given that I am already seeing some positive changes, I don't constantly ruminate about it because I know this answer will take time (and because I'm just too busy to ruminate!). 

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

Well, at some level, I'm waiting for someone who may never be able to be all-in in the relationship.  Not an insignificant impact in terms of my time, energy, and emotional investment.  Also, the dynamic does impact how I socialize with her friends (ie I really don't anymore) and sometimes how I view her (ie I don't think lying to others is a very attractive trait). 

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

This is a limit for me.  I can't be in a long term relationship with someone who doesn't acknowledge it.  I'm giving this time because she's in therapy, but I'm not ridding myself of the expectation that this is the only way forward for me.  If the fantasy doesn't happen, I'll need to leave.  It's pretty simple.  In the meantime, I just accept that she has a serious mental illness that she's working on and a rough history.  I don't often get 'angry' anymore; I just observe and also implement boundaries to keep myself out of situations that I know will be triggering to me.  And I continue to live as I want to - including affirming the relationship to my own friends and family, even when she is there and it requires her to deal with some discomfort.  Between all of this - and the fact that I have so much of my stuff to work on and so much work to do day to day period - I've found a working balance for the time being.   

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

I wish she would admit she was wrong and amend, and also change.

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

When we were together - 5.

Today I do not care.

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

It was something I clinged on to maintain hope for our r/s. It also was the reason I broke nc after a month. I was extremely lucky, I got a sort of amendment and a closure which gave me a much more peaceful mind.

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

See 3, also after the breakup, when I realised she had BPD and found this site, and then understood it was not about me and my behavior.

Before I learned about BPD, I truly believed that STBXH would one day shake his head and say, out loud, "What am I doing?  This woman loves me unconditionally!  I am never going to make her cry again."

Dependance on God has saved me from some of the other fantasies, like revenge and vindication.  Now I just want to be free.  I pray that H gets the help he needs to grow past the angry, blaming, emotionally raw person that I lived with for 20 years.

When I gave up on hoping that H would change was the day I left.  No more fantasies at all that include him, unless it was a quick and relatively painless divorce.

Great Poll/thread!

Which fantasies do you have, if any?

I always hope(d) that somehow I was wrong, that she didn’t have BPD (due to its intractable nature) and would come to her senses and see that someone loves her despite her actions. A "This is Your Life" or courtroom moment where she would have to explain what she did, obliged to answer directly to those she hurt.  This would lead to her ultimately revealing who and what she is.  Validation more than vindication, her accepting and recognizing what she has done. Seeing the awful realization set in, finally recognizing the depth of the pain she knowingly inflicted on someone else. Explaining how I could once be the love of her life and now be nothing.

The irony is that she will only love those who made her the way she is.

I often want to go to sleep and never wake up. I woud love for her to know that I died of a broken heart and for her one day come to unerstand what she has done. To live a very long life with this knowledge.

2. How strong were those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations):

5 Constant ruminations, trying to understand this has consumed my life. Every second that I am awake I think about this and ache. The worst part about all of this is that I know better. I know there is no hope for her and I, yet I die a little bit each day.

3. How did the fantasy impacting your life?

It drains me, I sit at work and stare at my screen for hours. When I go home all I cant deal with anything else. Noises are too loud, lights too bright. I am stuck inside of my own head. I cant get away from any of it. I just want it to stop. I cant stand to hear her voice yet I miss her. I cant do anything else, yet I know better.

1. Which fantasies do you have, if any?

I would love to have closure.  I would love for my BPDbf to "wake up" and see that he was part of the problem and sincerely apologize for what happened between us and the pain he put me through.  

I had fleeting revenge fantasies at one point but never thought they were real or interesting. I think they came more from my frustration at not getting closure than anything else.  

2. How strong are those fantasies, on a scale of 1-5 (1 = passing thoughts; 5 = continual ruminations)

Needing closure was a 5 at one point - probably a 1 now.  In some ways, it might always be a 1.  I would like to say I could bury those feelings but I spent a significant part of my life with a BPDbf and I experience emotional upheaval for years.  Would a rape or assult victim ever turn down a sincere apology from the person who hurt them even if it came years after the event?  I think even a late apology would be better than none.  I realize it will never come and perhaps my desire for it will fade in time but I can't predict that now.

3. How is the fantasy impacting your life?

It doesn't really effect things anymore.  I am still emotionally recovering from the relationship but I don't think fantasies are holding me back.  I think the relationship uncovered old childhood stuff and I want to deal with it and put it to rest.  This has turned into a different process for me apart from the BPD relationship.

4. If you've taken steps to rid yourself of the fantasy, what have you done and what has been the impact?

Therapy has been a lifesaver for me.  I am grateful I have a wonderful and supportive T.  Getting a lot of negative events out here, in a supportive environment, has also been very helpful.  Reading lessons here has helped as well as outside reading.  Allowing myself time to mourn and grieve and be angry and anxious was necessary too.  Rebuilding my life, renewing friendships and making new friendships has also helped.  In many ways, I feel like I have started a new and better life - focusing on that life allows me to move on past old events.

I was pretty flippant in my post as it has been awhile since I have fantasies about my exNPDbf. The fantasies at first were like many on this board...

1. I wanted so much for him to seek professional help and make amends through the form of an apology. The fantasy was not so much of a recycle of the relationship as it once was, but the possibility of a friendship down the road, a long distance one. He wanted this but I could not allow one as he did not apologize, so without understanding his behavior was abusive, there was no way I could allow him back into my life. And as long as I challenged him about his abusiveness, he could not face me, either.

2. The first year, a five. Now, it is non-existent with exception of one thing, I do hope he seeks professional help for himself.

3, The first year I saw him EVERYWHERE-it was uncanny. So the it impacted my life quite a bit. Now it doesn't. I was wreck that first year, useless in many areas of my life, just one big sore of human suffering.

4. Acceptance was how I rid myself of the fantasy. I had to accept that it was his life and his choices and the best I could do was heal from the emotional and verbal abuse. I realized I didn't need his validation of my emotional pain to make the experience any more real, hurtful or eventual healed from by me. I didn't need him to make it all better-or to even explain himself. He ended the relationship on a bad note-I ended the relationship on an ugly note through my confrontation of him. It was unfortunate but now I see it as a crucial component of my healing. I faced my abuser... and lost all contact with him due to his rage. Over time I understood that the healthier part of me was standing up for myself, even if I went about it the wrong way. At the time, it was the best I could do and if I had to accept and forgive myself for this... could I not also see his suffering, too? He may have denied his suffering... but in his unguarded moments, the man was filled with shame. I didn't realize it then, I do now. Acceptance and release.

This thread is a good idea!  I'll give it a shot.  It sure can't hurt to give it some thought... .

1) I marked "Other," since I did not quite find a match on the list.  I want to trust my ubpw again. I long to be able to true forgiveness rather than excusing or forgetting.  I want my wife to express love to me, to stop getting drunk, to respect that I do not cheat on her despite her infidelities, to stop her over-zealous friendship with her ex-husband.  I want her to stop saying bad things about other people no matter who they are or how screwed up they may truly be.

2) Impact about a 5 or 6, I'd say.

3) I am bitter about being betrayed, insulted, emotionally and financially drained, put down and undermined.  And so I am angry. Often, I am wishing for a fantasy that is not going to happen.

4) I tried getting in shape, pursuing my art, cultivating my spitiruality, and making new friends, but by far the most powerful step was to get sober.  I am completely sober for more than a year now.  It is surprising how much better you feel without those few drinks.  I also changed my expectations somewhat and started to pay attention to what boundaries I expect and to communicate them or make it known to my spouse when they are violated.

when fantasy becomes reality 

my d did realize how she hurt me and asked to be forgiven... .when she makes a mistake now she usually apologizes and askes to be forgiven... .without prompting from me!  my answer is of course "yes, i forgive you" lest we create an environment of shame, self degradation or disharmony.

the thing about it is that i expected to be vindicated... .instead i was humbled and thankful that my precious d was finding a way out of the shame of BPD!

props to her!  she has worked hard!

lbjnltx

Results to date:

The other person admits his/her errors and the way he/she has hurt you and makes amends. 18.3%

The person suffers because of what was done to you. 11%

You are able to outperform the person who has hurt you and can rub his/her nose in your superiority. 7.6%

Everyone around him sees him or her as you do and rejects him or her.    11.8%

You are vindicated.  12.9%

You are able to do to the person who hurt you what he or she did to you, or someone else does that to the person. 4.2%

The person will change and regret what he or she did or said.    19%

Other: please specify in your comment.    2.3%

I used to hold one or more fantasies like this, but I have let them go.  11.4%

I do not have any fantasies like this.   1.5%

   

So that's 98.5% who hold or have held this type of fantasy. Any thoughts on that and the breakdown statistics?