I guess this was the last chance I had and it’s over now

[CryWolf]

Mod note: This is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338812.0

ColdKNIGHT, I completely agree with you. I saw your response and it honestly soothed so much of my anxiety as I also believe in that principle. It was very reassuring.

Over the weekend, one of her friends added me
On Facebook. I know this person but only because we had class before and say hi passing by. I tried not looking too much into this.

However; today I messed up..
At the end of class, I saw her by herself and I went to say “hey” and asked how she did on the homework.

This was the convo:

Me: “hey, how did you do on the homework?”
Her: “why”
Me: “just wondering, it was kind of hard and confusing”
Her: “why”
Me: “I was wondering maybe we can study together”
Her: “no”


With that said, I guess this was the last chance I had and it’s over now. I am forever painted black, and there is no chance of reconciling with her no matter what I do or time I give. I guess I have to accept my fate and let this go.

I’m hoping one of you can give me a “it’ll be okay, just be indifferent and you still have a chance”

But realistically speaking, I think it’s done. I feel empty as I was hoping she would have been receptive.

I feel like an idiot. I hate myself right now.

[ColdKnight]

Brother,

I feel terrible for you. When I read your last post my heart sank.

Do you still have a chance? Who knows. She doesn’t even know and she is the one who decides if you do or don’t. One day the wind may be blowing in the right direction and she may come to you only to discard you the next day.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for reaching out. I know it feels terrible and you have to start all over but it happens.

I did the same thing. After she didn’t return my call when she said she would I quit contacting her. I went for two weeks then broke down and texted her. I asked if we could start talking again she gave a very cold “sure, that’s cool”. The next day she told me that she had met someone.

I was so mad at myself for texting her. I knew I shouldn’t have reached out but I did. I sent a, burn it all down eff you, text a few hours later. (I believe I mentioned it earlier in this thread)That was two weeks ago and I have not seen or heard from her since.

I’m not saying you should do that, in fact you probably shouldn’t as she could get you into trouble since you are not in regular communication.

The one saving grace is, and I know it probably doesn’t help much, you know exactly how she feels now. You don’t have to try and interpret any of her actions or mannerisms.

As I said before go “grey rock” on her. Ignore her. Don’t make eye contact with her. This is not a tactic to get her back. This is a survival tactic.

[ColdKnight]

Hey Wolf,

I am going way back to the beginning of your posts last year when you first posted in Feb 2018 I believe.

I am trying to get an accurate picture of the entire situation.

Many of your posts become full and then get locked forcing you to start a new post regarding the same conversation.

Could you paste, in chronological order, the links to the beginning of each thread discussing this situation.

I don’t know if that is hard to do but it would help me a lot to be able to go from your very first post to right where we are today.

Keep strong brother...you, we, will get through this

[CryWolf]

Hey ColdKnight, I appreciate your help and comfort in this time and will be more than glad to.

Like you, I tried speaking to her end of the semester but timing was wrong as she was busy. I chose to speak to her because a week before she was happy to see me and talkative during a conference. Foolish me.

I got drunk and sent her a closure/bottled up feelings message. I thought I was blocked. No.. It went through.. A few week ago I messaged her again updating on my life, thinkign I was still blocked, and a light heartful message. it went through again after I thought I was blocked.. I need to stop reaching out. Seriously.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.msg12944198#msg12944198

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322908.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323478.msg12955040#msg12955040

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323511.msg12955006#msg12955006

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323420.msg12954612#msg12954612

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323849.msg12959487#msg12959487

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324553.msg12964239#msg12964239

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324705.msg12964216#msg12964216

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325595.msg12972283#msg12972283

Wow I was a miss before compared to now .

I want to thank everyone that has helped me. I look back, and I question, am I still in the same place again? Am I being stagnant?

I feel like I look dumb to all of you and talking about the same problems again

My emotions were all over the place. From moving on to falling back into the abyss.

[ColdKnight]

Don’t feel dumb. We’ve all been there.

After she said no to studying together what happened. Did you just walk away or did she?

[CryWolf]

Don’t feel dumb. We’ve all been there.

After she said no to studying together what happened. Did you just walk away or did she?

She walked out the door as lab/class ended. I see her Monday and Wednesday’s.

I think it’s time I accept this and let go.

My actions have been persistent but disrespectful to her wishes. No means no and I seem to not be able accept/comprehend like a child a who needs to have it his way.

I want to let go and let her be happy without me. I don’t want to hurt her anymore.

[Gemsforeyes]

I’m so sorry, Crywolf...

What if you were to re-phrase your last 2 sentences ... maybe something like this:

I want to let go and give myself an opportunity to be happy without her.  I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.

Perhaps it’s time to focus on YOUR feelings and no longer think only of what she may be feeling.  You deserve your attention, don’t you think?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ColdKnight]

Hey Wolf,

Thanks for posting all the links I read through them all.

Wow what a crazy turbulent ride you have been on.

I agree, it seems like you are in a much better position than you were when you first started posting last year.

Yes you stumbled but you didn’t fall. So she knows that you wanted to be study partners with her. Big deal. You lost a little bit of your power but as long as you recover from here you can get it back. Just go back to class today and act like nothing happened. Easier said than done but you can do it.

The key is not to start chasing her and begging again. I don’t think you will. You have come far on your journey and this really is a minor set back when I look back at everything you have been through.

As I said at least you don’t have to wonder anymore. I know that may not seem helpful right now but for me it was always the wondering that was so painful.

You got this brother. Stay strong. Walk into class today like nothing ever happened.

[nightrider121]

She walked out the door as lab/class ended. I see her Monday and Wednesday’s.

I think it’s time I accept this and let go.

My actions have been persistent but disrespectful to her wishes. No means no and I seem to not be able accept/comprehend like a child a who needs to have it his way.

I want to let go and let her be happy without me. I don’t want to hurt her anymore.

CryWolf,

I've taken one class with my bpd ex post break up and I'm unfortunately taking another one with her now. Our situation is identical in so many ways. Throughout the summer class I did not even talk to her once and I was probably the star student in my class. I was always involved in class discussions and had something to say...had friends...scored an A in that class too.

It is all because I did not give the slightest crap or give into my temptations. I know how she is and I know if I talk to her then I would be giving up any control and will probably get humiliated because that's what pbpd is likely to do. Get high of the attention and discard you after  you give it to them. pbpd's only talk to you when it is most convenient for them and when they do they will do anything to bring you down. The trick is not to give them that voice in the first place. The trick is to be indifferent and think of her as any other person in that class.  

I know it is awkward and it does bother me sometimes too. But I am proud at the fact that I did not give in once despite all the things she has tried in those class to get my attention (you can read my post).

Be yourself 100%. Be INDIFFERENT to her. Focus on your own outcomes (mine is to finish my graduate studies). Finish strong. And I promise you one thing: you're the winner if you don't give into her anymore. You tried talking to her and look at what happened. She HUMILIATED you! I give you props for trying. But honestly she will never change. She pained you black and she will do anything to put you down.

I already did one class with my pbpd ex and now I'm DETERMINED to do better in this class even while she's there.

[CryWolf]

I’m so sorry, Crywolf...

What if you were to re-phrase your last 2 sentences ... maybe something like this:

I want to let go and give myself an opportunity to be happy without her.  I don’t want to hurt like this anymore.

Perhaps it’s time to focus on YOUR feelings and no longer think only of what she may be feeling.  You deserve your attention, don’t you think?

Your thoughts?

Thank you Gem 

Yes, I agree. I spoke to my T yesterday, and It's time I put my feelings first. Not what other people think/feel as much. Me letting go is for me.

I told myself today, its my last semester of college and I will not allow myself to be sad and look back years and think about nothing but pain/sadness. I want to make the best of it.

Hey Wolf,

Thanks for posting all the links I read through them all.

Wow what a crazy turbulent ride you have been on.

I agree, it seems like you are in a much better position than you were when you first started posting last year.

Thank you so much for looking through my posts, and reading them. it means so much you did that for me.

I agree, I stumbled. I felt sad I got rejected but I know she's still the same.

And her showing bitterness still shows she cares even though it isnt the side of caring I hoped for. Whether, she reaches out or not, I have to be indifferent now.

@nightrider

Our stories are very similar! I replied on your post, but also I agree my ex exhibits so many similar behaviors. Its hard thinking of her as any other person but fake it til you make it.

Im going to rant a little about what happened these past few days:

Tuesday, I was walking in the halls, and saw her and I walked past while on facetime with a female friend. I saw she was sitting with the guy who I assumed was her bf but wasnt.. This guy started following me on instagram a few months ago, and i asked him why if hes friends with my ex and we never spoke but had class. and he replied with "i like your posts and i dont find anything wrong with following you" and i said thank you and ended it. 2 months later I messaged him if he can get my notes back from her so I would need for this class.

He told me how he can try but they dont talk much anymore. I heard from her other friends that ended up being my "friends" how she ghosted them. Then this guy invited me to a beach trip and how we should get friends to go and itll be fun... I told him "my ex might not like you hanging out with" and he said he didnt care and etc. and i helped him with questions he had about his car problems.. Me, seeing them together pissed me off. because one minute you try to be buddy buddy and then you are friends again.

over the past weekend, another one of her friends added me on facebook.. I had class with him before, and we talk occasionally passing by in the halls and hes a nice guy. but they known each other a long time and have been partners for numerous projects.

The female friend who became my friend and how my ex cut her off has been more close to me lately and wanting to hang out and do things whre before she was so nconsistant, which im not sure if im being paranoid but im starting to think they are all just keeping tabs on me for her now.


Wednesday, I saw her in the corner of my eye walking past before class started. She looked and saw me with a girl from class studying together. I went to the bathroom later and saw her sittign by herself in the corner of the building away from class. She doesnt want to be near/see me. Maybe this is hard for her. Who knows. I cant dwell or fixate.

I sat in the back of the class today, and said a joke where the whole class laughed. I believe she wanted to laugh but held it in.

after i was leaving wednesday, the guy i mentioned above^ who i saw sitting with my ex, he walked past me shoulder length apart and was staring at the floor to avoid eye contact. everytime he walks past me he does this but on social media he likes my posts, etc. fake.

I ended up deleting my facebook, starting a new one, and blocking them on instagram. I am probably being paranoid but my gut has been thinking this for a while now.

sorry for the rant .

[ColdKnight]

Don’t apologize. That’s what we and this site are here for. Rant away. Get it out of your system.

Again try not to read too much into what these other “friends” of hers or what she is doing. That will drive you bat sh** crazy.
I used to do it all the time. Still do occasionally.

She may or may not be using those people to keep tabs on you. If she is let it get back to her that you are doing well and have moved on. Don’t reference her at all.

She obviously is not emotionally mature enough to reach out to you and I think everything she is doing is to try and get your attention. Just because she is trying to get your attention doesn’t mean she wants you back. She is enjoying the power she has over you. She feeds off of it. If she is hanging out it the corner looking all sad, she WANTS you to come talk to her just so she can have the satisfaction of shooting you down. DO NOT EVER GIVE HER THAT SATISFACTION AGAIN.

You got this. Keep your head up, keep moving forward and keep posting on this board. Someday you will find you no longer nee this board as you will be healed and will have moved on.

[CryWolf]

Yea, Im trying to not think too much about it but I am trying to listen to my gut more. If im going to move on then I dont want any trace of any of her friends/minions in my life right now. I want to have healthier relationships and them being on my social media will just remind me of her. if she is so bent on not having me in her life then thats fine. i dont want her knowing what her friends tell her about me either.

I post with other girls, traveling, concerts, living my best life etc. everyone loves my posts .

im done playing games with myself and wondering who'm to trust. I just want to let go. I hate blocking people as I think I look weak but I believe this is better for my mental health and its already done.

I agree, I will be indifferent and no reactions. we break up into groups for class sometimes and I know ill probably be placed in a group with her in the future. that should be exciting .

[clvrnn]

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out the way you'd hoped, but at least (as I'm sure you know) this can be the start of moving forward. I never used to block people either, but maybe it's helpful here so that you can just enjoy social media without having to worry about what might affect you

[ColdKnight]

I haven’t blocked mine but I do avoid her so I get it.

We all have moments of weakness.

I wanted to reach out to her so bad today. We had a big lunch for work today and I didn’t go because I knew she would be there. Later on in the day I opened up the text bubble and
typed: Fu** I miss you...

I did that five times but deleted it each time and never sent it.

It was hard but I got through it...another day down...another day stronger...

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CW, Is it fair to say that you are still hoping for a recycle?  If so, that's OK, as many of us, including me, have done it, only to end up in the same place down the line, except with more pain.  What makes you think things would play out differently if you did have a recycle?  Usually it's a continuation of the same pattern.  It's hard, and a BPD r/s can take  a toll on the Non, yet in my view moving on leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

[CryWolf]

Hey CW, Is it fair to say that you are still hoping for a recycle?  If so, that's OK, as many of us, including me, have done it, only to end up in the same place down the line, except with more pain.  What makes you think things would play out differently if you did have a recycle?  Usually it's a continuation of the same pattern.  It's hard, and a BPD r/s can take  a toll on the Non, yet in my view moving on leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim

Hey Jim! Glad to get your guidance

I have this idea/hope in my head that after time has passed, we both worked on ourselves. We self reflected as adults, admit our mistakes within ourselves and shortcomings.

She is aware of her bpd now and I believe she has been working on it by seeing the school therapist, and I have been working on my anxiety by meds and seeing the school therapist too.

We didn't know about the bpd towards the last two months of the relationship. Im hoping, now that we both know the issues and tools we can make a "healthy" relationship. Im in love with the good moments and ideas with her. But..

Truth is, I dont think this is possible. Her behavior and patterns still exhibit the same behaviors. And I find myself becoming more anxious now that she is back in the "picture". Im exhibiting old behaviors again by trying to talk to her or get her attention.

This is all a fairy tail hope, and I know moving on would be the better and smart decision. Since last posting, I'm doing my best to let go. Its been enough time and if she wanted to talk to me, should would have. I have to take the loss.

I did that five times but deleted it each time and never sent it.

It was hard but I got through it...another day down...another day stronger...

I feel you man. I hope you're doing better. Continue to be strong. We can do it

[CryWolf]

Im having constant dreams where we are placed in settings we have to work together and then we both laugh and joke and reconnect. had another one last night, where we had to do computer work, and then i got pulled away and come back and she leaves her notebook behind. i contact her to give it back and we meet up and talk and she starts texting me. these dreams started again after a hiatus. had one a few days ago where we both cook together. these were all things we used to do.

[CryWolf]

We walked past another in the hall before class and her face turned angry/mad. I walked and made a small smile and avoided eye contact as much as possible and when I did look I saw the expression change to mad/annoyed.

I hate myself

[Skip]

Many of your posts become full and then get locked forcing you to start a new post regarding the same conversation.

Could you paste, in chronological order, the links to the beginning of each thread discussing this situation.

Often the first and last post of a thread contains a link.  Here is the whole history:

321630
321807
322908
323420
323478
323511
323849
324389
324553
324705
324937
325333
325595
325738
325976
326072
326166
326227
326246
326288
326307
326469
326591
327004
327403
327414
327440
327882
327891
328059
328533
329497
330350
331319
331509
331511
332916
338812
339177

[Lucky Jim]

Truth is, I dont think this is possible. Her behavior and patterns still exhibit the same behaviors.

Hey CW, Right, the old behaviors generally don't go away for a pwBPD.  There's no Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde, which is a hard thing to accept, I know.

 

I hate myself

In my view, recovery from a BPD r/s involves learning to love yourself enough that you are no longer willing to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  The place to start is by focusing on yourself with kindness.  You, of all people, deserve to be good to yourself.  If you can learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are, you will attract someone healthier in the future.  It sounds easy, but is pretty hard for us Nons to practice self-love because of the way we are built.

It's hard in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD, I know, but in my experience it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

LJ

[Skip]

Me: “hey, how did you do on the homework?”
Her: “why”
Me: “just wondering, it was kind of hard and confusing”
Her: “why”
Me: “I was wondering maybe we can study together”
Her: “no”

Wolf, not to minimize it, but isn't this simply as case of asking someone out and them saying no? Anytime any of us gets a no, its sucks.

Yes, she was a total jerk about it, but that is on her. No one deserves that.

Was this the last chance?

She sent mixed signals... you got caught.

It's OK.

Dating has these moments.

[CryWolf]

Wolf, not to minimize it, but isn't this simply as case of asking someone out and them saying no? Anytime any of us gets a no, its sucks.

Yes, she was a total jerk about it, but that is on her. No one deserves that.

Was this the last chance?

She sent mixed signals... you got caught.

It's OK.

Dating has these moments.

Hey Skip, rejection does suck. I have a problem of internalizing things, so its more me than her. The rejection, and her avoiding all forms of contact or even looking angry when it comes to me shatters me. I want to be indifferent but I cant when it comes to her being cold to me.

I wanted to know for so long if she missed me, or felt something and I never got that answer. So now im internalizing. Its not healthy, which is why I want to let go but its like a self inflicting cycle now.

 

 
 You, of all people, deserve to be good to yourself.  If you can learn to love and accept yourself just the way you are, you will attract someone healthier in the future.  It sounds easy, but is pretty hard for us Nons to practice self-love because of the way we are built.

It's hard in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD, I know, but in my experience it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

To be honest, Im not sure how to be nice to myself. Last meeting with T, my therapist said what do I love about myself and I couldnt find anything that wasnt superficial. People tell me how Im caring and funny but I hate the caring part. I feel like its my down fall.

But yea the ultimate goal is healthier relationships. In the meantime her rejection is affecting me. I wish it didn't. Im still able to complete my tasks and go about my business than earlier on during the break up.

sidenote: She cut off all her hair today, and it was short like she did after our breakup.

[Lucky Jim]

To be honest, Im not sure how to be nice to myself. Last meeting with T, my therapist said what do I love about myself and I couldnt find anything that wasnt superficial.

Sounds like you T has already picked up on this theme.  I would say that it's not so much about being nice to yourself as it is about loving yourself, for who you are and just the way you are.  You are already worthy, though you may not know it yet.

LJ

[CryWolf]

This past week has been extremely hard to do anything. I’ve been in bed since Thursday being sad and replaying memories.

I looked at her blog and she talked about me back in May. One post she was saying how guys she attracts are narcissist, uncommunicative, delusional.

Another post she put how she thought she found true love before but she was sadly wrong

I guess I internalized that. I also made a new Facebook and she popped up on friends I might know. I didn’t do anything, and today I’m blocked by her.

I’m also blaming myself heavy that back a couple months ago I got really drunk and upset and messaged her a nasty closure text. And I thought I was blocked and she wouldn’t of got it but no she unblocked me. Then I was blocked again. I felt so sorry and I messaged her almost more than a month ago saying sorry and wishing her well and I thought I was blocked again but no unblocked and she got it but I got blocked for the final time after.


I regret these things as her unblocking me could have been she missed me or just was ready to move past the hurt. But my dumb self decided to drunk text her twice.  Now I think it’s permanent and the damage I have dealt is final..

Thank you for listening. I’m just trying to get out of this dark place but I’m constantly hating and blaming myself for my actions.

[ColdKnight]

When you sent her the closure text, was that since having her in class this most recent time?

[Harri]

This thread reached to maximum post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339391.msg13075040#msg13075040

Thank you.