Im replaced...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Of course this is the natural course of events... .but it really hurts.  The last ray of light is now darkened... .funny, I still feel some hope, but I know by the end of the day this to will be gone.  It will take a few hours to sink in.

One of the hardest parts is that there is a big empty hole in my soul that she filled for a long time... .even in the bad times.  I haven't felt like a whole person since this all starting falling apart... .

And this is a reality that only I know (in this former realtionship)... .I doubt she ever felt it at all (the hole)... .and I'm sure in her glee right now, it will be months before she ever even glipses in the rear view mirror and has a passing thought of me and the life we lived.

If I had to write a description of hell... .a horrible punishment to a man... .I would describe my last two years.

I'd say more here, but it would only be as meaningless as everything I've already said.

4 years of my life... .meaningless... .erased... distilled to a few empty words on a public website... .

[Skippy]

Of course this is the natural course of events... .but it really hurts.  The last ray of light is now darkened... .funny, I still feel some hope, but I know by the end of the day this to will be gone.  It will take a few hours to sink in.

One of the hardest parts is that there is a big empty hole in my soul that she filled for a long time... .even in the bad times.  I haven't felt like a whole person since this all starting falling apart... .

And this is a reality that only I know (in this former realtionship)... .I doubt she ever felt it at all (the hole)... .and I'm sure in her glee right now, it will be months before she ever even glipses in the rear view mirror and has a passing thought of me and the life we lived.

If I had to write a description of hell... .a horrible punishment to a man... .I would describe my last two years.

I'd say more here, but it would only be as meaningless as everything I've already said.

4 years of my life... .meaningless... .erased... distilled to a few empty words on a public website... .

[lennic]

Morning Skip.

Hope is hell... it eats at us as reality unfolds. let it go,,it has not served you well.

About the meaningless of the time together... .

We all must cross the stream of life and when we embark and pick our stones to carefully step upon, the path seems clear but then it rains and rains hard. Some of the stones we had chosen disappear and we seem stuck and hopeless. We become afraid and seem stranded. But soon the rain stops and things seem different. new stones appear... .ones we never saw... .a different route becomes clear and the other side beckons...

It is the journey that embodies our life my friend Skip. The rain is stopping and the water will recede and you will see the progress you have made and where you must go. The fear was real but unnessary. There in front of you a new clean stone is rising to meet you. Step upon it... .others will rise to greet you.

All is well... .your getting there. This is living... pick your path with care, joy, and a faith that we all must make this crossing.

Lenny   

[moesha]

Skip, her entire existence is a black hole.  Bottomless pit of need.  As for her glee, it's a temporary high.  The "love drugs" will wear off soon, and she'll need a new source of supply to keep the buzz going. 

There is nothing you could do or be that would change the landscape of her soul.

[JoannaK]

((Skip))... .

I can't imagine the pain that you are in right now.

How did you hear this?

Actually, I think that the time we are most in dangered of being re-engaged is after a new person comes on the scene. ? When the BPD person and the new person start to have problems, the BPD person may attempt to pick up with those that he/she left behind. ? Remember that many people may figure out that she is messed up and not be that interested when they see how things are playing out. ? Unfortunately, of course, things generally go back to the way they were pretty quickly.

The time you were with her wasn't meaningless. ? You had good times, you did things, learned things, probably had experiences that you wouldn't have had without her. ? But I can understand why you can't see that right now.

Please take a deep breath... .and cut off contacts that keep you informed as to her comings and goings. ? If friends start to tell you what she is doing, cut them off and tell them you don't want to hear about her. ? Easier said than done, of course. ?

[goochiegirl]

Skip,

I'm so sorry to hear... .I know how much this must deeply hurt.  Even though it's "probably for the best," it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.  I only hope that somehow, it manages to speed up your healing.

One thing that has helped me, is to get REALLY REALLY ANGRY. Kind of have the attitude of "who the hell does he think he is?" Anger is so empowering.

[webster]

Hi Skip,

I ditto all above with these sincere people. But you will be positive again. I know you will post something positive again - and that day might even be tomorrow. It might be in 6 weeks. I will wait for it . And will be positive with you.

Time to start investing back in you. "Erase" this negative by slowly moving forward to start living for you. Define what it is to love you again.

I caught myself today of being really happy for the first time in 20 days. For a very short period I felt so excited about being alive and moving. This in itself is one of my biggest "victories" in the awkward time of NC.

I will wait for you to post positive again. Cause it will.

Take care, webster?  ?  ?  ?

[fghjk1111]

Skip, I am at a loss of what to say. All I can say is that I am really sorry. I can only imagine your pain right now. I know this is not much of a consolation but remember we are all in the same boat here. As sad as this may sound about my life right now, The Nook is the one thing I look foward too during my days and evenings, I have lost interest everything as everything bores me as I deal with my broken relationship.

So post away. I can guarantee I will be here day and evening for the foreseeable future.

What keeps me going is that I know in the future this will all be over with and will be only a memory.

[deeplyaffected]

I'm very sorry Skip. I know exactly how you must feel. I am in the same boat. It hurts like hell. We just have to remind ourselves over and over that the replacement will not last. We know this in our hearts. It may seem great for a few months until the true BPD traits of our exes start to show. Then their facad of happiness will unravel and the poor new victim will be treated as we were. Jut remember that. We deserve BETTER!

[Skippy]

Friends... .thanks for the kind comments... .just when I think the pain isn't going to get worse, it does.

I can't cry.  I have no tears left.

[blade]

I agree... .each passing day of NC is hell, no matter what I do... .Friends, family, new women wanting to get to know me, no matter... .pain.

More than two weeks of complete NC

[Skippy]

Well I didn't hit rock bottom in my life... . but today is rock bottom in my BPD relationship... .

She's off with another... .seems like a good catch (attractive, well established MD)... .I'm sure she is on cloud nine... .good fresh start for her... .lots of upside... .

I feel like I'm left with the carnage of my emotional being and a beating to my life, friends and businesses... .

How do they do it?   

I'm chewed up and spit out... .why did I let her do it to me.

[JoannaK]

Good fresh start for her?  Skip, it's clear from what you've written that she's got serious emotional problems... .probably as much NPD as BPD.  So... .why do you think that this relationship is going to be any better than the one she had with you?  Well, if he's a doctor, he may have more money, but so what?  She will eventually have the same problems with the way he looks at her that you did.  There is nothing about him that will keep her any happier than she was with you.  Unless, of course, he refuses to put up with her baloney.  Then she may actually try to get her act together... .as long as he does it the first time she pulls some b.s. 

But then she will probably ultimately claim that he was abusive.

I don't know why you are in such pain, skip.  I mean intellectually I do, but emotionally I don't.  If someone ever treated me again the way my exh treated me for years, he'd be out so fast and I wouldn't look back.  I'm not kidding either.  I hope that one day you will be in the same position that I am now... .that you feel so strong that you won't accept b.s. treatment for one minute.  No matter how young, beautiful, vulnerable, or whatever the woman is. 

But remember... .she is who she is.  There is no magic ending for her.  Yep, things may go well for a year or two or three, but ultimately, things will be difficult for him or her. 

And how do you know so much about this guy anyway?  Tell anyone who tells you anything about her that you aren't interested.  Don't let yourself continue to be hurt.

[lennic]

Ditto Joannak... .boy that woman knows from where she came... .

I know this is hell Skip... .most folks on this board do... .but rock bottom is a gift if that is where you are... .now the only way to go is up... .

May I get the door for you sir?

And I would be ready for some bad medicine being practiced in your neck of the woods in a few short months... .unless this MD has already gotton the lessens you and I have... .if not we know he is in for one hell of a ride... .

Lenny

[Bdawn]

hey Skip,

Sorry I couldn't post before now. I just wanted to let you know that the pain you are experiencing at this moment will fade in time. I know how much this sucks and I'm sorry that it has happened to you. Please take care of yourself now and seek out the ones that love and care for you. Time will heal and the days will get better. Don't give up your hope, just redirect it onto yourself.

take care

[webster]

Skip

Live is ticking by you man. Every day focusing on her is a day left you. SHE IS NOT WORTH IT.

Focus on healing your self-esteem. You said it in being rock- bottom. That is your Point of No Return. Build on that realization. Keep a (mind) journal of good things since the PoNR - IT WILL IMPROVE.

TIME is of your greatest assets now. You can let it by and it will take long. Take advantage of TIME by doing things for you.

- Go for a long, long run until you are totally I mean totally exhausted

- sign up for gym membership and go twice a day - resign when you helled

- read new / old autobiography of a well-know / successful person

- read a book on self awareness

- Go and do community work for the poor and needed

- think about what you did successfully achieved in live

- visit your friends / family / ex co-workers

- go to church

- go do grocery shopping

- set new personal / career objectives

- watch a DVD / Movie / Read the newspaper from "back to front"

- sit in a coffee shop and just watch the people go by

- get pissed with your best mate / play pool

- wash your car / get a dog or cat

- enroll for a course in a hobby area

- write a letter to a far far away friend

- keep a journal about all above

- make friends with you - the greatest guy in your live

- go on a hike / climb a mountain / go sailing / go camping

- Read positive stories

- Find Skip again?  

- Smile for people on the street

- go to a nursery - buy small plants and watch them grow (over time)

- Go on holiday to a foreign country

All I am saying get involved in things for you. Get a couple of new projects going. You are currently engaged with a "project" with zero value for you going into the future. Acknowledge the learning / the pain. 

But You reached PoNR - on your account. Act it out. Take control of your life. If you want to Worry, Worry about self. Let everybody else worry / live for themselves.?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ?  ?

[Skippy]

I'm sure I will survive... .but right now, my soul is just hollow... .this "familiy" was the center of my universe.  How I live, what I own is all a reflection of them... .I'm at a complete start over now.

[kathy45]

I know how you  feel Skip... .

Any day I'm sitting where you are...

anything I can do... let me know...

Kathy

[brucey]

Hey, Skip, I'm here.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I was there once too.  I got used and discarded too.  I had no one after my fiance left.  My world had crashed.  I understand precisely where you are at.  I know what's in your head and mind.  It is god-awful, horrible, rotten, stinkin', shtty crap!  It HURTS!  It is the most horrible, painful, gut-wrenching, mind-screeching pain.  It stops one cold.  I know, Skip, what you are feeling.  I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this.  I hate her.  I hate her guts for using you and discarding you.  Please don't hold out any hope of getting back together with her, or of her wanting you again.  Oh, she very well might re-engagement you for some more supply; But, Skip, be done with that user.  Be done with her.  It is over.  Like a bad dream, you wake up and it is over.  The dream is over.  Now you can go on and forget the dream.  It wasn't real.  Yes, it seemed real during the dream, but now you have awakened.

Skip, it has been a year and a half for me, and I feel much, much better.  You will get there too.  Yes, you have lost some time.  Yes, it has been a waste in many ways.  Okay, let's just accept that.  But, you did try.  You gave it a shot.  Sometimes it doesn't work out.  Okay.  Now you have to suffer for a while.  But you will get better.  How long do you think her new relationship will last?  How long will this new guy put up with her?  How long until she gets bored with him and starts her crap?  You don't know it, but the rest of us on bpdfamily know that it will not last long.  They will not be happy together.  Glee?  That's not glee.  She got a temporary fix.  She is shallow, Skip.  She is microscopically shallow.  She is not a good human being.  She is an ass.

Skip, I'm so sorry.  I know you are hurting.  I was there, and I know how awful it feels.  It aches.  It seems like the end of the world.  There is nothing left.  It stings.  Okay, so let it.  Let it hurt.  Let it burn.  It will end.  The pain will end.  You need distance from her and your memories of her.  You need time.  And, you are in luck, because time will pass.  Not fast enough, I'm sure, but time will pass.  And you will improve.  Don't expect big healing right away.  Just pretend that you've got a bad cold and need to heal.  It will take a while.  You will have to put up with the pain for a bit.  Just hang in there.  And while you are hanging in there and time is passing, write to us.  Tell us how you feel.

Skip, you are a great guy with tons of good quailites.  You are amazing at being romantic, kind, true, and at expressing yourself.  Don't forget about yourself.  You are a special and unique person.  Look at all the responses you get at bpdfamily.  Look at all the people who your words touch.  You are something, man.  You are a great guy.  Yes, you got burned.  Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of us got burned.  It is normal.  It is typical.  It is common.  We suffer like all hell.  Especially the sensitive, romantic ones, like you.  Being sensitive and romantic means you have deep, profound pain and emptiness when you get used by a cruel woman, but being sensitive and romantic also means that you are a good and special person who will know great joy when he finds someone who is not a user.  Suffer now, Skip, but remember who you are.  We like you and respect you.  Keep going, keep meeting people, remember who you are.

I am here.  I feel terrible for you.  My eyes are tearing now because I remember when I was in your place and how awful it felt.  You are not alone.  Come over Saturday night and we will talk.

[jreilly]

Skip,

When I think that 3 years ago, when I decided to get out of hell and live, I was actually on the 32nd floor balcony of my condo thinking about jumping off because of the hurt the BPDW, with the help of the court, was causing me.  Now, obviously I did not jumping, and 3 years after being falsely arrested for DV; being falsely acussed of rape by BPDW; decaliring bankruptcy at age 60; loosing my condo to forclosure because of BPDW; being homeless for 11 months because BPDW was living in my condo (with me paying for everything) while she defied a court order to get a job; having heart surgery; needing double knee replacements... .let's see, did I forget anything?  Of course I did.  And to think I entertained the thought of suicide because I didn't have this women in my life!  Boy was I one sick puppy... .but a hurting puppy.  The hurt was real, but the reason for the hurt wasn't.  I was hurting because I missed the fantasy of what could have been.  I didn't want to see what was really happening.  I was huring for the lost love of me.  Now I can see it all so clearly, but hindsight is 20/20.

Three years from now it will all be clear and you will be so glad that you didn't jump.  Oh, I was talking to myself again.  Well at least I had a good listener.  Good luck my friend.  And it's true, we've all been where you are now at one time and we've survived.

[zenguy]

Wow,

Let's see how long it takes HIM to feel like reality is slipping away, how long it takes him to give her to boot, and it will come! If he's healthy; sooner, or if he has issues, later, but it will come, and so will a re-engagement for you... .by then she will seem like a horror movie you were IN.  :P

I was there, now the horror movie is a comedy, I really do laugh! 

Dr. Ric  :-*

[sadandconfused]

jreilly!

I was huring for the lost love of me.

That was such an awesome post! And this line above is soo BEAUTIFUL and touching!

Oh, I was talking to myself again.  Well at least I had a good listener.

You are so funny!

i am thinking and praying for you, my friend... you are a strong man... .

God Bless you.

Peace,

~M.

[Bigbob]

Skip... .BEEN THERE, BEEN THERE, BEEN THERE! My God man, do I Ever know how you're melting right now.My bpwf hasn't left me for another guy---yet, but after our first couple of seperations, I wanted to end my life soo many times. That hollow,sick,empty feeling you're getting right now IS the worst of it.


This is something my sister kept pumping into me when i was manic about my life, and Skip, it's soo true... ."there is no one on God's green earth that would ever be worth giving up your life for". SHE'S x-x-x-xed up, not you, and this new dumn turd will be probably see right thru her in no time.

Don't bury your emotions in a bottle---it doesn't work (tried that) better yet, call your doctor,tell him/her how your feeling and ask for an anti-depressant... .it will cut some of this wrenching pain you're feeling.

We're here for you man... .your rewards for your love will be given back to you, I promise... .just got to somehow let that butt go and think of only yourself right now.

[TaloninTx]

Skip, I echo what others are saying here. She isn't worth it.

Please, I highly recommend going to therapy. Go twice a week if you have to! Therapy will help as therapists are trained for this kind of stuff. Your mental health is the most important thing right now.

I know it hurts, man. Believe me, we all do. I cry everyday for my exBPgf. Being here though and going to therapy is showing me it will get better. Eventually, I'll even find someone who will love me like I love them.

Just work on you, Skip. Just keep on working on you.