SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[RCA212]

13 today!  I really think alot of this has to do with the both of us seeking therapy, and me learning to love myself ALOT more.  I'm also learning to stand up for myself (which requires you to love yourself) and not allow myself to be walked all over.  Overall I feel really good! 

It really makes a huge difference when you begin to realize that there's nothing you can do to help or change them, but there IS something you can do to change yourself

[toomanyeggshells]

I got a 19, which I don't think is too bad.  I could see it being alot higher if I wasn't actively (in my mind at least) fighting against his possessiveness and enmeshment. 

[King1989]

I got about a 10/11, for counting the things I've felt recently. Unlike today, where I've been in pretty good spirits until I started talking to someone about some of the last things my ex and I talked about... .in which it was something that shook me horribly then and still does so

[aim4hope]

I was amazed that I only scored 8!  So much of it has to do with having a customer service job that I love!  When I first started this job part of the training was going out and introducing myself to other employees.  I almost quit on the spot, I thought I don't want to talk to people, but it has been so healing starting with a large group of people that don't know my BPDxh.  Life IS good!

6 months later, my score is a 4!  Whoo Hoo!  Life is great!  So much to be thankful for!

[helpinghand123]

 I got a 48. Today is a bad day. I am not thinking of harming myself just trying to move on. It's hard. I don't know what to do with myself most of the day.

[delljoy]

4

Fantastic... .only 6 months out but generally I'm a really optimistic person and try not to wallow in self pity. I spent 4 months wallowing, the last 2 months have been about getting ME together and life is mostly great. I must admit today is a particularly good day so I probably average about 10

xx

[spiralthorns]

I scored 63, but I'm not surprised.  I already had PTSD and depression before this relationship, so I wasn't exactly in an ideal spot before.

One thing I always wonder about these surveys is what to do if you weren't terribly interested in some of those things before.  I'm not a particularly sexual person and so I'm not particularly interested in sex when I'm at my best.  Actually, the more depressed I feel, the more interested I get.  I doubt I'm the only one like that.  Also, the items about not enjoying life are somewhat situation-related.  I'm stuck in a house I can barely pay for because my girlfriend abandoned me and the rent.  This house is far away from most things (even the grocery store) and my current job is not very exciting.  I'm in kind of an unpleasant situation that has a lot to do with circumstance rather than just emotion.

[diotima]

I just meditated and went to a yoga class, so I scored 31. I bet if I had taken this test yesterday at the same time the score would have been double!

Diotima

[Samuel S.]

I scored a 50 on this test, because my BPDw told me she has been abusive with me, which I totally agree.  Also, she told me that she has been pretending in our marriage, thus invalidating our entire marriage:  our good times, our bad times, and her love.  While she was pretending to love me, she even convinced me that my 2 daughters from my 1st marriage were fake.  In fact, they do have their issues, but they have never been fake, and they do love me as I love them.  The one who has been a fake has been my BPDw.  Lastly, she told me that the reason why she had been intimate with me is because she felt obligated to do so in order to keep me.  While she has been acting this way, I have been totally genuine and happy.  I have never cheated on her or anything like that.  Now, I could care less about her, and I am extremely sad.  Now that I am in the process of grieving, I am looking at my options to be self-sufficient and divorcing her.

[cinderella]

My score was a 37... .however it has only been 3 weeks since my wonderful daddy died... .and just under 3 weeks of going NC with my uBPDm... .so more time is needed I know... .

[knorkatje]

48.

but it's the first time i take the test, perhaps i'm exagerating. I don't know. I'm living on my own, I like it here, it's safe. but it is difficult to shut down my mind.

(I don't know if FM is correct, my mother has BPD, but she denies it)

have a nice evening.

[CinnamonRadio]

My score was 13 

I'm 26, and was raised for 9 years by a single BPD mom.  At 16, I think I would have been somewhere around a 50.  I feel VERY good right now, as I have been going to therapy regularly for about 2 months for the first time since '06.  I am able to cope with my anxiety, and I am feeling very motivated to work.  We have been mostly away from each other for about 7 years now, which has been really good for my health.  I still struggle a lot to say "no" to my BPmom, and coming to terms with the loss of a childhood of any kind has been tough.  Still, I have a great life, am married, plan on having kids, and am at the outset of a great professional career.  Life is good

[oceanblue]

I scored a 27 - I guess right up the middle.  Nine months ago when I first started thinking about ending the relationship because I was so worn down - it would have been much higher.  T has helped somewhat and learning to focus on myself has helped a lot more.  I am preparing my house to be sold in the spring market - packing, small repairs, painting, etc.  That process has been cathartic in some ways (although sometimes nostalgic and sad as I get rid of baby clothes, board books and other items that remind me of when my kids were very young).  I wish I could sell it now but several realtors have told me my best bet is the Spring if I can wait . . .  When I research and house hunt in my new location - I start to look forward to my new life.  My BPD is still under my roof so I am sure things will improve over time when I get finality to my situation.  Although we live separate lives - he still manages to engage me at times and that can cause anxiety attacks and the subsequent "hangover" of depression for a few days.

[kampuniform]

From ‘56’ to ‘20’ in 46 days.  Results distinctly attributable to running on the treadmill one hour per day, and absolutely murdering myself in the weight pit.

Four months out, and I’m feeling as fit as a fiddle.  Two months ago, I never thought that I’d live to see this day…literally!

[diotima]

Hmm, I know I took this awhile back (maybe a month ago or a little less) and got a 31 but I don't see it here. Anyway, I just took it again and got a 23 so I guess something is better. 

Diotima

[Colombian Chick]

I scored a 1. I am feeling a little tired right now. Not sure if I'm comintg down with something. Everyone in the office has had a cold so maybe it's my turn. Other than that I'm good. I dont' feel any of that! 

[MagentaOrchid]

I got 27... .so close to mild.  The label depression is one I so tried to resist because it reminds me of my BPDmom... .she blamed her depression and PTSD for all her BPDness.  She also called me depressed every time I was sad and would scream I needed anti-depressants.  Its one that stings.

I didn't have a secondary BPD relationship (well not recently), but I am sure that my depression score has a good deal to do with my being raised by someone with serious BPD.  But I am NC with her and it has been nearly a year, so it isnt direct.  I just started SSRIs for anxiety, I will be interested to see how it goes with the overall mood. 

[argyle]

8.  Of course, part of that is me usually checking somewhat or moderately on everything.   OTOH, I used to score pretty firmly on the happy end.

I'd actually be worried if I didn't score in the unhappy section, given that I'm married to a BPD and am working on a lot of issues.

--Argyle

[Gowest]

34 right now. It's strange because I noticed I've been feeling low but it's so different from what I used to call (mild) depression. The usual feeling of despair has been replaced with numbness, I think. It's so much better I didn't really know I could be called depressed.

[findingmyselfagain]

I scored a 20. Not too surprising as it's before lunch. The mornings still tend to be a little tough for me as I have to wrestle my thoughts away to the present. But the fight is getting easier. I probably would've scored in the "depressed" range over last weekend as it coincides with remembering some of the major events from last year. But since then there are days in which I'd probably score in the unhappy/almost happy range. I can sense that the battle is nearly over. It's like withdrawing from heroin. Mine was the quiet/waify type... .if she had been the kind who was overtly abusive... .yelling, etc., I probably wouldn't have stuck around, but she was a lot like my mom. I'm basically programmed to care for those types and feel guilty when I can't read her mind. Getting past the what if's was difficult for a long time. Wondering if there was any "reasonable" explanation, but now I know it's because of an illness. I know I don't need to be with someone like that long-term and my mind is getting past the warpy thinking and I'm learning to value myself again. I expect I'll be in the happy range before long. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can. It's not taking nearly as much strength to motivate me now as it has.

[JDoe]

Hallelujah!  I scored a 2 today!  (moderately discouraged at the snail's pace of my divorce)

What a change!  I am 7 months out of the house from my STBXH, BPD/uNPD.  He is working to delay things and project.  I am very firmly NC, despite his bizarre behavior designed to drag me back in to the pit.

May you all journey towards healing and hope!

[diotima]

Scored 26 today. I think this would vary depending on when I take it! 3 months NC and 4 months since my mother died. A lot of energy went into caring for my mother and a lot of energy went into crazyx--both ended at the same time. In a regrouping process I guess--low grade depression a lot of the time.

Diotima

[turtle]

1st time I ever took this test was long before I even knew about bpdfamily. My Therapist, back in 2001, had me reading Feeling Good and I took the test weekly for awhile.  Back then, during the worst of my depression, I was scoring around the high 70's.

First time I took the test on this board was 8/24/08. - I scored 46.

2nd time I took this test (and posted about it) was 10/26/10. - I scored 60.

Today, my score is 63.

Dammit... .Life has been very hard for the last 10 years. I'm just so exhausted.

turtle

[ennie]

I scored about a 33, maybe less depending on how I am feeling that day.  I have been feeling sad, and have not been considering it depression, although I do use the phrase "I am depressed."

I am the wife of a man who has a BPD ex, and we are involved in custody litigation, and have been for the past year.  They split 5 years ago, we have been together in a serious way for 4 years, and been married for a year. 

I deal very little with BPDex directly; most of my frustration and anger and sadness is about things I hear through the kids and through my husband.  This period has been extremely stressful and I am afraid a lot.  I also feel like BPD ex's dark lens, through which everything and everyone are viewed as evil and wrong and bad and despicable or purely good, sort of rubs off on us.  When we deal with her often, as DH does through court and I do through reading court documents and listening to the kids, it feels like I start to see that way--that something scary and horrible and bad could happen to us, like losing the kids, or having the CPS say DH is a bad parent (mom called CPS on the kids grandma), or like the kids hating their dad or me or both.  The daily feeling of the kids' anger at us for not doing what mom wants us to us so hard.  It shows up in a million ways, lots of little and big temper tantrums about basic parenting issues. Constant bizarre accusations that are impossible to disprove. 

I find myself crying a lot, waking up and dreading my life.  I feel frightened every time BPDex calls our home, or every time DH gets a text from her.  I do not want to know about it, and I want to know about it.  Dreading the every-other week the kids are here... .though I love and often really enjoy the kids, there is always some really ugly stuff that happens, and I feel critical of how I handle it. 

I injured myself recently by falling while on a walk, and that has made me feel more powerless and helpless, and provided less ability to exercise and do other things that make me feel better.  I have gained about 40 pounds in the 4 years I have been with DH (I also am 42, and was in the best shape of my life when we met an probably a little underweight, so this is partly just normal metabolism stuff, that just calls for a change in diet and more exercise--but when will I get to do that?).  I feel like stress has impacted my immune system, and I get sick more often than I ever have, though I am pretty healthy, still.  But I fear that I am stuck in a downward spiral.  I am getting older and this stuff is getting harder, and I am in this very stressful situation. 

I keep making efforts to set various boundaries, but while we are in this legal process, it feels wrong to really pull back, and my DH is just too stressed to consistently honor the changes he agrees to make.  So it feels like it is time to just hang in there, through the process of healing from my injury, through the process of the legal issue, and then to look and see where I stand.  Sometimes life is hard, and it is not depression, but just a lot of emotional distress and stress for which I have no clear solution, over a long period.  I see various therapists occasionally... .my therapist of many years died two years ago, and I have been seeing a child psychologist for help with parenting and just to deal with my role with the kids; DH and I have a couples counselor we see from time to time who is great; but I have not found someone for me, nor could I afford it right now.  I used to meditate, but have been doing it lately.  I am sort of tired of trying to make things better and am just feeling it and wallowing in it a bit right now. 

So, that is my 33. 

[oceanblue]

Today is a 15 - better than a few weeks ago. 

I joined a social club of all women so I can pursue some "me" time in a supportive atmosphere - sort of like girl scouts for 40 year olds.  I think putting myself out there has helped - I am looking forward to making new friendships, finding things I enjoy and start enjoying life again.  T has helped.  This site has been good for gettting out the garbage - so many ugly incidents I needed to admit my role in and cast away (thanks for listening guys!) and I've learned good self-care skills here which I actually never knew existed.  I came here so scarred and damaged in a relationship and I came away with more than I expected.  I still have a of work to do but at least now I am focused on me and I can see where I want my life to go.

[whiletheseasonspass]

51.  But I am not suicidal. 

If my dd were to get mentally well - at least somewhat and then if she started taking the meds she needed for a physical illness- so as to get physically improved and if she were to LEAVE BEHIND her exploitive male partner and if she rejoined our nuclear family and was her old self at least to a good degree... .I would be near 0.

I am worn out- tired - exhausted- griefstricken and so much that has taken me to the 51. 

I was told once by a T that he did not know where I ended and my dd began... .that I was so enmeshed in my trying to save her and guilt for not being able to reach her- and so on and so forth... .

Last year I might have been a 44 and the year before maybe in the 30's.  I feel myself each year as dd worsens - getting more and more depressed.  It's terrible. And I cannot tolerate meds... .

My dd is down a well- and as she drops herself lower and lower - I seem to drop with her.  I often feel inconsolable. 

If she was a sister or a parent I would be doing way better- fine actually because my FOO  - I don't have anything to do with them- or very LC... .and I feel PEACE with that.

But children... .and my only child at that- well it is different.  If it was my dh too that was trouble- like if we split- I would survive... .learn to  survive. 

But my child... .it is too much to have her so physically ill and mentally ill and she is there in her bedridden body but someone else lives in her withering body.  A child - an adult child who the law say - she is an adult and she is allowed to make poor choices... .even if it means eventually the death of her.  They won't intervene- I have tried everything.  It is her legal right... .Rights trump saving lives.  I can't accept the laws- that leave me helpless to save my child.  So maybe it is two things that are breaking me down... .my child being "gone" and the laws that are like tall walls I cannot get past. 

Too much... .just too much to accept.   

Anyway- 51.

wtsp

[Gowest]

4! I've been working through my list of stressful things and doing what I can and then one of my biggest stressors just decided very suddenly that it was time to leave the country. Looking back I'm really not sure how she managed to freak me out so much. She's not even gone yet. She's supposedly leaving today... .or was it tomorrow. Got two different stories out of her as usual. I still feel better. Even if she changes her mind on leaving (which I'm not sure she could, it sounds like she's being deported not that she'd admit to that), our business is concluded and I'm free to disappear now.

[BreadHead]

10!

July 31st it was a 12 and I guess I'm a little sad that I only went down 2 points in all that time BUT: all but one of them that had any value over 0 were about sleep patterns and interest in sex.  Overall I feel absolutely phenomenal and some of the sleeping issues may be due to my bed honestly.  I'm just going to be happy the number is going DOWN and continue to appreciate and enjoy how positive my life is going!  Last night I got the opportunity to host comedy and open for a celebrity comedian and It was an INCREDIBLE honor! 

[Simpleone]

I tested at 44 on March 15th... .today it's 38. Not much of an improvment, but at least the number is going DOWN.

[realityhurts]

61. That's depressing